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Claire
10th January 2001, 09:08 PM
Last New Year my boyfriend's dad died. He seemed to be coping OK, although he rarely spoke about it, but over the past couple of months he has become increasingly depressed and recently told me that he doesn't know if he wants to stay with me. We have been together for 14 years, and lived together for the past 4. He has now gone back to his mum's for some 'space' but I'm afraid he'll realise he doesn't need me in his life anymore. He's not the kind of man to accept help from a stranger, or even his friends and family, so counselling is not an option. I love him so much, and he says he still loves me, but it hurts that he doesn't know if he wants us to stay together. I'm at my wits end. Please help.

sani
11th January 2001, 10:50 AM
Hi Claire,
I know how bad your feeling because I am in a simular situation, with my husband. He has been very down lately and he too needed some "space" and went off for a week. I was left feeling lost, unhappy and very insecure, with no control over the situation. He has come back since but I still don't know where we stand, hopefully we are going to go to counselling.
It's not easy for you though if as you say your boyfriend wouldn't go to anything like that, it sounds like he needs to talk to someone though, perhaps you could persuade him to go to his doctor for the depression.
I wish you luck though Claire, when someone is in love with you one minuite and then is unsure of their feelings the next it leaves you feeling very empty and uncertain of the future, I guess we just have to be patient and hope they find their way back to us.
All the Best, Sani.

[This message has been edited by sani (edited 11 January 2001).]

[This message has been edited by sani (edited 11 January 2001).]

Claire
11th January 2001, 03:58 PM
Hi Sani - thanks for the advice. It's nice to someone knows how I feel, though I'm not glad that you're in the same boat, of course. He's unlikely to go to the doctor though because as I said, he won't talk to anyone about it. He says he should be ready to come home at the weekend, and although I'd prefer a bit more of a commitment, I'll take what I can get at the moment. I really hope things work out for both of us

take care,

Claire

Kate
12th January 2001, 06:29 AM
Do you think that your boyfriend is depressed because of his father’s death? Has he been able to grieve or express his emotions? Is there something in the past that he regrets or didn't sort out with his father that might be preying on his mind?

Do encourage him to go and talk to a doctor if you can. Depression can have many causes including changes in body chemistry as well as mental stress and there is no shame in admitting we need help. You might like to look at the two links on depression in the Pressures in Marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/) area of the site, because they contain useful information for those who care for people suffering from depression as well as those who are themselves depressed.

In the longer term, when your boyfriend is stronger, (but not the minute he comes back!) it might be wise to explore what you both want from your relationship in the future and what commitment means to each of you. Although marriage can have it's problems and difficulties as you can see from this forum, it also changes the dynamics of a relationship , which can bring stability, security, a sense of commitment and joy, which aren't always there when two people are living together. Statistically the pressures on people in cohabiting relationships are much higher and cause much more stress, ill-health and relationship breakdown.

If you want some tips on communication to help you know how best to talk to him when he comes home and the opportunity arises then you might look in the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) part of the site. As Sani has said patience is probably what is going to help you win through together.