Wife has left

[Saxman]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have an 8 year old son. In Decmber my wife told me she was having an affair with a 62 year old woman. My wife is 47. In January she moved out (to a friends house) and says she does not want to be married anymore. I was of course was devastated and cannot understand why she feels this way. She continues to have the affiar with her frind but tells me it for emotional reasons and she has to work on herself before she can work on the marraige

She doesn't want to be married anymore she says she has changed and feels different. I asked her if she was happy in the marraige and she says it was a great marraige. I asked her if it was me and she says I am a wonderful person. I alsed her if she thinks she is a lesbain and says no she has always considered herself to be bisexual and that this is about her not me. She has never been attracted to woman before this time except for a six year relationship she had with a woman before ew were married.

The thing that confuses me is we continue to see each other every day. We are great friends and even go out on some dates together. We work together to share parenting responsibilities and finances. We go to therapy together and talk aobut ou feelings and emotions. So basically I feel we get along well togther. We still give each other hugs and light kissses but nothing more intimate than that. I love my wife but am madder than hell that she had the affair and don't want a divorce yet. I feel as thouhg the afair partner is impeding our progress to resolution. I can't believe my wife really wants a divorce as I have told her when we divorce I will spend no time with you as I will find someone else. I don't think she understands the ramificaitons of this. She also makes very little money and it will be hard for her to support my son when she has to start paying rent for a place to live. And being almost fifty years old with an 8 year old son does make her the most desirable person for a partner.

I don't know what to do? I feel it is taking a lot of energy to wait for her to see if she comes back but it woudl be more energy to divorce and try to tind someone elses. What are your thought son this whole situation? All my friends and family think I am crazy for continuing to wait but I still love her and feel that maybe she will warm up to me in time.

[Liz]

A very difficult situation for you, but it sounds as if underneath it all you want your marriage to continue. It seems different from a heterosexual affair. Few people in that situation would think to use the excuse "I'm sorting myself out emotionally through this affair". There seems an absence of any sense of having broken her vows to you and yet that is what it amounts to. You might find some of the insights in our Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) section helpful.

You might find the book, The Other Side of the Closet (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/closet/), of interest and help.

It will cost you a lot to be patient and work through this with her, but I sense your marriage is important enough to you for you to do that. I guess your son also would prefer you both to work at it and try and sort things out.

Have you talked to her about some counselling for you both? If she thinks she has issues to work through, she may be willing to do that. You might alos consider contacting one of the organisations that work in this field like the True Freedom Trust (http://www.tftrust.u-net.com/whatoffers.html).

With best wishes

Liz