New here...need help...falling apart.

[NESmith63]

My husband and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary in January. We have had a long 5 years but things were finally getting better the last 2 years or so. We have 2 kids ages almost 5 and almost 1. We got married young...very young and I was pregnant with our son when we did. I have always known that we only got married because i was pregnant but I have always loved him. We had many financial troubles and even relationship troubles in the beginning but they really have gotten so much better. In 2008 we started trying for another baby and she was born Feb 2009. Things have been so good. We barely fight, our finances are really good (I even became a stay at home mom when my daughter was born). I felt like we had connected on a whole new level...it was great. My husband had also mentioned feeling great about us a couple months ago. He isn't the most uber romantic guy but I think hes great. He always wrote the most amazing notes in birthday/anniversary cards and always did really thoughtful things for me. Anyways...a little over a week ago totally out of the blue he tells me that he doesn't love me and never has....he is tired of pretending and just can't do it anymore. I literally just started shaking....I couldn't believe it. I am so upset. Here I just find out that not only does my husband not love me but the last 5 years of my life has been a lie! Everytime he told me he loved me....every romantic thing he wrote in a card....everytime he cheered me up was all lies. He has left our house and is staying at his parents house in town. He hasn't taken any of his stuff with him though...he comes home in the morning to get ready for work and then at night to see the kids. We have talked a few times and he is very sure about his feelings. In the beginning he had agreed to counseling but now he says he probably won't go. I am so upset. I break out crying in random places at random times, I have no desire or drive to get up and out and do anything and I can barely eat. My first thought is that he is seeing somebody else. He really isn't the cheating type but I never thought he would leave us either. He swears that he is not and he has not even met anybody. I just don't know how I am going to do this. I am a stay at home mom with nothing of my own. How am I supposed to raise two little kids while trying to get over heartbreak? I really love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do......

[seven]

Oh NESmith my heart goes out to you. I was in a very similar situation to you just 5 weeks ago. The only thing i can say at the moment is to let your feelings out. The hurt, anger, grief, pain will try to consume you. Let the tears flow, as you need to let them out.

Please read through other people's threads on here (mine included) as you will see that everyone on here has or is experiencing what you are right now. Although you will be feeling incredibly raw at the moment, just try to stay strong for both you and your children.

I seriously doubt that your husband has never loved you, it just sounds like he is incredibly confused and mixed up right now (my H said very similar things). For the next few days you really do need to concentrate on you, please try not to focus on this horrible thing he has said to you (although I absolutely know how hard it is not to).

You will receive some amazing advice on here. I'm only 5 weeks ahead of you darling, but I can PROMISE you it gets better.

Sending you all my love and hugs. Please keep posting, we are all here for you.
Seven xxxxxx

[luce]

I am so, so sorry. I hear your pain, i really do.

Your story is very similar to mine. Four weeks ago my husband told me the same. He said that he had never loved me and never wanted to get married. Like you i had all the texts, cards, messages that had told me otherwise. I had always adored him. 16yrs of being lied to. 16yrs of not being loved. I couldnt breathe. I still cry in random places at random times.

One of the things that i have learnt in this is that this is pretty classic behaviour and a fairly typical way for a chap to behave when he wants out of a relationship for whatever reason. They re-write history to make it all our fault and justify their behaviour. I mean if they never loved us then they can walk away feeling that they are doing the right thing. I think they convince themselves of this in their own heads. But because my husband has never been uber romantic or particularily demonstrative either it is very easy for me to buy into his nonsense about never having loved me and it find it hard to hang on to anything different. It hurts like hell. Everyone keeps telling me not to buy it. That it is simply not true. But i know how hard it is not to take that on board.

I dont know how old your husband is and as you have small children i guess that he is probably much younger than mine. I found this stuff on mid-life crisis that i found helpful. The midlife crisis bit may not be relevant for your husband but i think it is still useful in seeing that this is fairly typical and not about you. It is about him and his stuff.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/f/midlifecrisis.htm

In terms of how you are going to get through it. It seems to be a case of taking tiny baby steps through the tears. To start with i couldnt function at all and i had a friend on the phone helping me plan the basics like how i was going to get out of bed in the morning. I have had to let the grief come and try to take care of myself the best i can in the middle of it. It is only 4 weeks in for me but it does get easier i promise. This forum has been a lifesaver.

[mangonpineapple]

Hi NESmith,
I am really sorry that you are going through this, especially with two little children. As Seven and Luce have said, we are in similar situations. My H did it to me mid last year when I was expecting. I ended up miscarrying and now he wants the D and has never expressed remorse or sorrow at our loss. It will get better for you, as days go by and I do know that the hardest thing is to function normally every day, trying to put on a brave face and not burst into tears all the time. Your husband is probably overwhelmed by responsibility and is afraid, feels trapped and thinks that walking away will make things better. The destruction left behind by this act is devastating. However, please know and believe that you will feel better, and that on day you will back upon what has happened and not feel the pain. You will smile again, I promise you.
The tears and the sorrow can be overwhelming. Do not be embarrassed to cry if you need to. I am surprised by how much people identify and offer comfort when I feel overwhelmed. Please cry when you need to. Each one of us on this earth knows what pain is.
Your husband sounds like mine. He basically trashed all our life together. He also denied that he was seeing someone else. I know that he was and is seeing someone else. They don't just walk away for nothing. There is usually a potential interest elsewhere and so they don't care about who or what they are leaving behind.
You will raise your babies and you will manage. Believe me, somehow, you will. WE are incredibly resilient and the survival instinct kicks in when we think we can't take anymore. I went and am going through so much pain yet somehow, sometimes I manage to forget for some moments what has happended to me and I smile. I still have a long way to go but I am getting bettter and you will too.
I soo feel for you as you sound just like me when I found out. I was shaking and hurting so much I couldn't talk. Try and just breathe into it and if you can have someone, family or friend with you if at all possible, then lean on them. I know it is difficult because the pain and the hurt feels like it is trapped inside you and that it will never go away. It will. Please look into trying some therapy for the relief of trauma - hypnosis, etc. It does help to release the pain.
I do not believe that he never loved you. He is lost and confused and right now, it is only negative things about your relationship that he is seeing. Do not believe that your life together was a lie. What is love anyway? I believe it is a decision. If you were both attracted to each other and had children, then there was something there. I am sure he cares for you but he is very scared right now. As the days go by, he might begin to realise the consequences of his actions and want to come back home. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Eat properly, sleep, and love yourself. Try to make the effort.
We are all here for you. Post as much as you like, vent, cry, rage..everything We understand and will be here to comfort you. This forum is a lifesaver. Remember, when you are hurting, remember that the hurt will end and you will feel better. Hold on to that thought.
Sending you lots of hugs. Take care.

[crush]

Hi and I am sorry you find yourself here. Reading other threads will help you many are similar to yours. I have been here for 10 months now and yes it does get easier but it does take a lot of time. As others have mentioned they rarely leave for nothing so please prepare yourself for the fact there may be someone else.

I also do not believe he has never loved you but it does ease their guilt if they can convince themselves of that. You will also find that he will change so much so that you will hardly recognise him. I do hope that he will contine to see his children as they do need him. He sounds very confused to me and in time may come to realise he has made the biggest mistake of his life, they usually do but you will become stronger day by day I promise you.

Please keep posting on here it was a lifeline for me in the early days and I still vent things when events happen as they do. Stay strong and believe in yourself. x

[sean1234]

It's strange how many of us are going through similar stories. I'm 4 months in now. Sounds like a prison sentence. In alot of ways it's harder. Usually in prison you will see light at the end of the tunnel. Iknow how you feel when you just don't see the light. But thereis you just can't see it straight away. That takes alot of tears, heartache and time. Hell I'm only just starting to heal and have a long way to go but please know it will get better. It has too you have no choice in what has happened. But you do have lots of choices for your future. You are special remember that. It's hard to believe it when u feel so rejected. But our xs. Are just one person and it is there loss. What goes around comes around. I truly believe that. You are already a better person than them as your views onloyalty are a hundred miles away from theirs. That's a special thing initself and nothing to be ashamed of. Let your emotions out, it's for the best. Take care and keep posting. There are. Some really good people on here. Not bad for a load of rejects lol. Seriously though please keep posting it does help to know. Your not alone. Hugs sean