My husband left out of the blue [Archive] - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

luce

19th January 2010, 12:43 PM

11 days ago my husband moved out after telling me out of the blue that he wanted to live on his own, that he didnt love me anymore and didnt want to work it out. He was blunter than was necessary when he went on to say that i bore him, that when he looked at me he didnt feel anything, that he had no interest in anything i had to say. He firstly said this had been going on since the summer. He then went on to tell me that although he had always cared about me he had NEVER loved me. Ouch

I couldnt breathe, i was shaking and thought i was going to die with pain. I still think i am going to die with the pain but i can breathe again now. I am very up and down. I am still reeling. At this moment i find it hard to imagine i will ever carve a life for myself again. I feel slightly nauseas most of the time, not sleeping, completely off my food. All my boundaries have collapsed and i cry everywhere. In the supermarket, at the post office counter, and lots of other inappropriate places.

He has denied that there is anyone else involved but i think there must be even if it is something he hasnt acted on yet. It is the only thing i can think of. It is like he is lashing out at me to cover his guilt. He has made it about us when really it is about him. I dont buy the stuff he says about having wanted out of the relationship for a while. Now i have had time to reflect i can see that we hadnt been so close for a couple of months although i hadnt really noticed it at time. So I think whatever is going on is recent and it involves someone else (not saying it is same with your husband). This is speculation on my part but i dont see why else a 45yr old man would give up a comfortable life and walk out the door with nothing else but clothes in a bin bag.

I havent contacted him (and boy have i wanted to). The thing is that i am hurting so bad that i feel i am only just about surviving this and i am scared that if i contact him i will be setting myself up for more hurt and dont know that i can survive anymore pain - i might just melt down completely. At the moment it feels like i have lost my marriage - i cant lose my last vestiges of self too. If i do that then i might never claw me back in.

But it is so, so hard. I am so very confused as my husband has always been a kind man and has never said cruel things before. I didnt see it coming, i was completely blindsided. I have adored this man for 16yrs and thought i was luckiest gal alive to be married to my best friend. We didnt argue or anything. Now i just want answers but i can see that i am not likely to get them from my husband. I want answers because i cant stand the damn speculating - i cant stop turning everything over in my head. Over and over and over it goes.

Initially all i wanted was that he would come back and say it was all a big mistake. Now i am a little shifted from this place. I now think that even if there is no one else involved i still cant step backwards because a life not being loved is too painful. And on some level whatever has been happening he couldnt have loved me the way i have always loved him because i would never have done this. And if there someone else i dont think i could ever get past that.

But even though my perspective is shifting I am still so, so scared. I cant imagine life without my best friend. I dont know how to carve a life thats just me at 44yrs old. I live in a small village where i dont know and dont have anything in common with anyone. I am self-employed working from home. Because i have been so self-contained in my little family life i have just kept a few women friends that are scattered about the country and been content to see them a couple of times a year. I would never have chosen to be on my own in the country.

I have contacted some people that i kind of know to see if any of them want to get together but people are busy with their own lives. It is also hard to start new friendships at this time in my life when my needs are so big. I am generally very self-contained and self-sufficient but right now my needs are enormous. Enough to scare anyone away i would say!

So i am coming to conclusion that i am going to just have to get out and do things on my own. I will join the gym and maybe take a class. It is hard to get motivated right know when all i seem to do is cry, and i am tired and hurting so much. I have made an appointment for a very expensive haircut tomorrow though. :D

I have read some of the other post on this forum and see that i am lucky in the sense that i am not tied with small children. My son is 17 so i am free to come and go more.

Sorry this post is so long.

Helen_uk

19th January 2010, 12:47 PM

Are you in the uk Luce ?

jellybean28

19th January 2010, 01:29 PM

Hey luce

My heart goes out to you, I was in a similar predicament 2yrs ago, aged 48, except that I was living in the city, but still felt very lonely, with few friends. I choose to move to a small country town and have worked hard to make a new life for myself. I have made few single female friends, and have just begun to have some fun in my life.

If there is a coffee shop in town make a date with yourself twice a week to go and have a coffee (Take a book to read if necessary), you may be surprised and strike up a new friendship, it helped me.

Enjoy the haircut, doing something special for yourself will help you to feel better. As for the emotions, don't surpress them let them come and go like the tide, it will help in the healing process.

Keep posting here, lots of lovely people here willing to give good advice and offer friendship in a special way, it's helped me as well as a lot of others.

Don't worry about long posts or venting it will help. Oh and be kind and gentle to yourself, eat well and try to sleep.

Cyber hugz luce xxxx

spiderman

19th January 2010, 01:29 PM

joining a gym is an excellent idea Luce and your 44 years young (not old).

Lee

Raymond

19th January 2010, 01:59 PM

I think you are right Luce in it being about him and not about you and him. That is quite insightful. You are the innocent party in this and as such have nothing to be ashamed of, not that you are.

Nevertheless I know it still hurts dreadfully and is a big tearing away within you.

Raymond

luce

19th January 2010, 09:30 PM

Thanks so much to you all for kind and supportive words. Very much appreciated. :)

Luce (UK)

Hopefull1983

19th January 2010, 10:30 PM

Luce. I feel your pain I really do. When my husband told me that he no longer felt the same as he used to I was as shocked as you are, it came totally out of the blue. I knew things weren't 'perfect' as he had developed an inapropriately close friendship with one of our friends (nothing ever happened, nor will it, she wants nothing to do with him), however, I never knew that he was even contemplating ending things between us to live the single life again. I was in utter shock and felt exactly what you're feeling now. You definately need to concentrate on you for the time being. There's a saying: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours forever; if they don't they never were." Sounds harsh but give him his space for the time being, if he comes back with his tail between his legs and begs for forgiveness then that's great and you can work on rebuilding your marriage but if he doesn't then he was not the man that you were supposed to grow old with and you will be the winner and it will be his loss because you're the one who is willing to fight for your marriage and he isn't. If you concentrate on you while he is 'getting space' then if he returns you will be able to think more clearly and be strong while rebuilding your marriage and if he doesn't then concentrating on you now will make you stronger if the worst happens. From day one when I 'temporarily' moved out of my marital home (too many memories there for me to stay) I promised myself that I would not let the situation bring me down. My Mum suffers with depression and I didn't want to end up on tablets for the rest of my life and living the life that my Mum lives because of her depresssion, so from day one I physically had to drag myself out of bed and keep busy. I've made lots of new friends, and rebuilt friendships with friends that I had neglected a little and I've started excercising, I'm taking driving lessons within the next month, moving out of parents and in with some friends to get back my independence, I'm concentrating on my image to keep my confidence high and I'm progressing in work to give me something to focus on. I have to say that although I still have a constant pain in my chest and I do have bad days where I pray for my old life back keeping busy and concentrating on number one does help a lot. Make yourself your priority and hopefully whatever comes of your life will be your happy ending be that with or without your husband. One thing I will say though is try everything, I didn't start feeling at peace with myself and like I was 'ready' or as ready as I will ever be to move forwards until I had satisfied myself that I had tried and said everything possible to get my husband to keep the promises he made the day we married. Never regret whats said, only whats left unsaid.

Good luck and I hope you're one of the people on here who comes back with a 'we're trying to make things work' post.

RayCub

20th January 2010, 02:33 AM

Hi luce,

Just reading your thread and so wishing you didn't have to find yourself on this site; it's an emotional club to join.

I know your whole world is turned upside down right now and nothing makes sense anymore. I was exactly where you're at last February. I didn't think I'd ever have a "normal" day again. Most days I had a hard time reminding myself to just breathe...but that's what I did. I just kept breathing. Eventually those breaths became a little easier to take every day.

I promise it will get easier. That feels impossible to you right now, but I'm living proof that it's true. But you have to promise to take care of yourself in the meantime: eat, sleep, exercise, talk to people who support you both in person and on this site, and be kind to yourself right now...be gentle with yourself.

One day at a time, luce, that's all you have to do...sometimes, it'll have to be one hour at a time, but eventually it WILL get easier.

Please keep posting, and know I'm thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best.

RayCub
xo

luce

20th January 2010, 06:57 PM

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support.

Rayclub and Stan you are absolutely right that i need to put one step in front of another a day at a time, or even a minute at the time. If i start thinking more longterm i get so scared and overwhelmed. Struggling right now i dont want to be one of the people that comes back with a we made it work post - i dont think i could ever go back from this. But i do want to be one of the people that comes back with a 'i found a way to move out of this blackness into the light post'. :)

Today i took myself off for the haircut and bumped into my husband right outside the hairdressers! It was quite civil and i asked him again if there was someone else involved. Again he denied it.

So i pointed out that i knew he had lied to me when he had left here (he told me he was staying with a workmate and i found out that wasnt true) and mentioned the women's name that i believed him to have been seeing at which point he owned that he had been having a 'fling' with her but claimed it was over. So i pointed out that he was clearly still lying as he had moved himself to the same town as this women. He then tells me that he is staying with her but only as friends. I then pointed out to him that I am not that stupid to which he owned an ongoing relationship. Dragged it out of him like pulling teeth.

I am relating this matter of factly but i have been in bits all over again. I never in a million years thought my husband would have an affair and i have been left for a women that looks like a tadpole!

It has been like waves of grief, hurt, anger and pain. First i had to deal with the leaving and all the things he dumped on me, then i collapsed again when i found out he had lied about where he went, and now i am going through it all over again. How very cowardly of him not to have told me in first place and let this drag out in this way.

I am glad to know now though. I wondered if i was going mad because i had no clue but then suddenly in the week it hit me that it was her. It was like she moulded herself to be everything that he would want and interested in all the same things he was but i didnt see it until afterwards. I cant believe that i didnt see this coming. She took a job in the same town as him and i used to encourage him to meet her for lunch! I trusted him and thought it was nice they were friends. There were pictures put on facebook of her lolling all over him when a group of them went clubbing a few months back (with my blessing - how stupid am i!) and i even said how cute she looked. I just didnt give it a second bloody thought!

Arrggh! At least i know now.

RayCub

20th January 2010, 08:39 PM

Oh luce, you weren't stupid. You simply trusted that your husband loved you and was committed to you. That's not stupid at all; that's faith.

When I eventually found out my ex left for someone else, I actually felt relieved to a certain extent. I couldn't wrap my brain around him "finding himself" or just falling out of love with me or him telling me he'd loved me on and off for years. I could, however, wrap my brain around another woman. She was tangible; she was someone I could blame (along with him), instead of blaming myself, which I didn't need to do. I had been beating myself up for so long wondering what I'd done wrong and how I could have changed things somehow, when all along it was about her, about them, not me at all. It was incredibly humiliating to know he'd left me for her, but it was also something real and something I could finally understand.

And you know what? It felt a WHOLE lot better to tell people he cheated on me then to tell them he didn't know what he wanted. When I told them he needed to find himself, people pittied me and felt sorry for both of us; when they knew he cheated, they got angry for me, and I needed them to do that. I needed others to sustain that anger for me, and that hurt for me, when I wanted to cave in and beg him to come home. I needed them to remind me of how much he hurt me and that I wasn't to feel sorry for him. It made it that much easier for me for others to know what had really happened. It's funny, I should have been embarassed to admit that he'd chosen someone else over me, but I was more embarassed to tell them that he'd rather be alone and confused and not knowing what he wanted instead of being with me.

Anyway, I KNOW you are so terribly hurt right now and in shock and in mourning and wanting to shut down. But you're right: now you KNOW; you NEEDED to know. Now you know you're not imagining anything and that he is totally at fault here, not you.

Please keep posting and taking care of yourself.

I'm here, and at raycub@live.ca if ever you need to talk.

Raycub
xo

Raymond

20th January 2010, 09:11 PM

Thats brilliant.

You now know the worst Luce and can have the funeral and move forward even though you find it hard. One step at a time is a good way of putting it. Even a clock moves forward one tick at a time, but those ticks add up to a lot of years.

Raymond

seven

20th January 2010, 11:56 PM

I agree with the above Luce. I think this is a good thing. You can now raise yourself so high and look at that tadpole he's left you for and see just how much better than her you are.

I'm sure one day he will realise just what a complete and utter wrong decision he made, but by then it will be too late, and you will be over him and living such a wonderful life.

You are worth more than both of them put together. You will get through this. Take comfort and strength from everyone else on this forum, and realise that you are not alone.

hope you are ok. Definitely take one step at a time, i'm finding it a personal achievement just not thinking about my situation for half an hour at a time. I also laughed at something on the tv today, and realised that I hadn't thought about him for over an hour :)

Seven xx

luce

21st January 2010, 05:11 AM

Thanks RayCub, Raymond and Seven. I read and re-read each of your replies and took something from each of them.

You are all right that this is a good thing but i am having trouble feeling it right now. It has sealed one thing for me though. There is no going back so the only way to go is forward. It is also definitely good to know that i wasnt crazy though - it is terrible when someone denies your truths.

I am having some trouble responding beyond that though. I havent slept much since this all happened which isnt helping. I seem to be getting crazier as the days go on. RayCub you mentioned wanting to shut down and it seems thats where i am at now. I have cried a lot today and now i am numb. The idea of my husband being intimate with someone else while we were together is just so horrific that it overwhelms my mind.

Seven, not thinking about him for over an hour is progress indeed! :)

seven

21st January 2010, 08:20 AM

Hi Luce, just a quick reply as i'm just about to head off to work.

I completely understand why you are being haunted at the idea of your husband being intimate with someone else. I just wanted to offer you a little something that has helped me through the dark moments. Whum my H first left me, I was searching the internet and google for ways to stop feeling so down and how to stop crying (as I felt the tears and thoughts of him leaving me were drowning me). Something stood out on one site - it said that every time you feel you are sliding in to a deepest darkest moment, or start to physically think of the person or moment that is upsetting you - think of your favourite song, and start to sing it either in your head or outloud.

It sounds really silly, but it's actually helped me a little!! Whenever I start to recall in my head, the moments he kept repeating over and over again how much he didn't love me, and when I start to remember the moment he walked out and left me in a mess on the floor, I just start to sing my favourite song. i concentrate really hard on remembering the lyrics - and then those physical images go away.

It's not going to cure all of your pain, but it may stop for a few moments the thoughts of the tadpoles together.

And just a last thought to leave you with - tadpoles grow into very ugly frogs :) xx

Wedgewood

21st January 2010, 09:32 AM

Hi Luce,

Just a quick message to give you some support. Although your world must be upside down at the moment, just hang in there. Things do get better, but you can't rush it. Do things at your own pace, only you will know when you are ready to take each step. Myself, I have been separated from my wife for about 9 months now and I has been really difficult. There is nobody else involved and our marriage was not that bad to begin with. Maybe she is having a MLC, but it is immensely hard to draw a line under things without someone else being involved. I keep wondering if she will come back to her senses, but as each day passes it looks less likely. I have made real progress though, which surprises even myself. So what I am saying is believe in yourself, you don't know what you are capable of until the time comes.

Mark x

jellybean28

21st January 2010, 02:46 PM

Hey Luce

What you're going through is normal, I just about went mad thinking of my Exh with someone else, still as seven said "tadpoles grow into ugly frogs", or in my Ex's case toads. I saw him for the first time in 4 months last week, for someone who's in a new relationship, he don't look that happy, he's lost his boyish good looks and his hair has gone grey and he's sprouting so much hair on his chest it was all I could do not to grab a shaver (lol),:eek: the man I married has gone and the young OW well she can have him.

Hope that helps a little Luce. Try to look after yourself oh and when you have those thoughts of H with OW imagine his bits falling off :D silly I know but if nothing else it will make you smile, good standing in line at the bank or checkout. (hope I haven't offended you but helped you to smile for minute).

Hugz JB

luce

21st January 2010, 06:29 PM

Thanks so much Mark, Seven and JB. And JB i wont offend that easy. :D

I havent had such a good day today. I only slept 1 hr and have gone a little bit crazy. I ended up writing him a massive big email telling him how there was no justification for his behaviour, that it made me want to heave that he had been with another woman while with me and how ending a relationship after 16yrs was always going to be hard but ending it this way was unbearable. I told him all my pain and hurt and anger.

I really wish i hadnt done it now. For 2 weeks i have been resolutely not contacting him and then i just lost and wrote massive email and sent it. The only saving grace was i did tell him that i would never take him back. So i wasnt pleading.

Wedgewood

21st January 2010, 06:57 PM

Try not to dwell on the email - what is done is done.

Don't forget the most important thing right now is to look after yourself. Cry if you want, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Do whatever you like if it makes you feel better, but things like the email may make you feel better short term, but worse for a while after. I always found that writing stuff down helped so keep a journal or write on here. As I said in my previous post just believe in yourself. You are strong enough to cope with this, even if it does not feel like it at the moment.

Always remember we are here for you.

Mark xxx

RayCub

21st January 2010, 07:06 PM

Hey luce,

Stop beating yourself up! What could it possibly hurt for you to tell him how you feel? It's got to come out at some point. Don't regret what you did; only regret what you didn't do. Was not contacting him working for you? If not, then maybe contacting him will have the desired effect. Regardless, what you said in your email was the truth: there IS no justification for what he did, and what he's doing IS unbearable. I just hope he feels like the ass he is when he reads the message.

I wrote my ex a letter when he left...poured my heart out and begged him to come home to us when he "found" himself, and all I got in return was "Thanks for the memories". But I'll never regret writing it; at least I tried.

And like you said, you didn't plead! Good for you for telling him you would never take him back; it must have felt empowering to be able to say that to him!

You really need some sleep now. Everything seems so much worse when you're exhausted. Take care of yourself as much as you can luce; that's really, really important. Eat, sleep, relax, exercise and talk.

And go easy on yourself.

We're all here for you. Don't forget that!

Ray
xo

luce

21st January 2010, 11:29 PM

Thanks Ray and Wedgewood,
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I was very pro-active tonight and took a nieghbour up on her offer to pop round for the evening. First time i have ever socialised with a neighbour. But i have come home and there has been no response to my email. I am in grief all over again because in 16yrs he has never not responde d to me immediately. Any text, email or phone call has been immediately responded. It hurts so much that it hasnt been responded. I dont care that he is with another woman. I am his wife and he ought to respond to me immediately. I am keening now. I cant breathe agian. OMG it hurst so much.

Hopefull1983

22nd January 2010, 12:09 AM

Luce, I'm so sorry that you're struggling at the moment. Please stay strong. We are all here to support each other through the bad days. I felt like this earlier in the week, my husband and I have been seperated a lot longer than you and yours, I felt like I was finally starting to pick myself up and be strong and then very out of the blue I had a really bad day, thinking about what's to come and how much I miss my husband. I picked myself up, called my best friend and we went to a fitness class, I've done other classes and jogging this week too and it's done me the world of good. Try and keep yourself occupied with anything other than sitting around thinking about him, if he is on your mind call up a friend and have a rant, it's good to talk. If you dont' have friends that you can just call up on the spare of the moment keep a diary, it's like letting off steam to a friend but just putting it on paper instead. Also, write down a list of all of his bad qualities and all of the ways he's made you feel since your seperation and write a list of all of your good qualities which will help your self esteem at a time like this to give you hope for your future!
Be strong and try and keep smiling. Excersise releases happy endorphines, watching comedy will make you laugh...if need be though stick love songs on and cry until you're all cried out. Get in your car and scream.
Thinking of you. x

Wedgewood

22nd January 2010, 12:53 AM

Dont read too much into the no response from your H. My wife has cut almost all forms of communication with me (for no good reason). I have racked my brains to try and justify why she ignores me, but I guess it is just her way of coping with things. Dont take it personally, it is more him than you. Just try and focus on you and keep doing what makes you feel better - even if it is only1%

It is great that you got out and socialised, but that is only a small step - keep doing it and other activities to get you moving in the right direction. You will be feeling better before you know it :)

Mark xx

luce

22nd January 2010, 05:01 PM

Ok, i am re-reading all your posts and one strong theme is coming through - to look after the basics. So i have made a commitment to myself to go to the gym this evening. I am a bit worried about it as i burst into tears everytime someone just looks at me. But i have to get my sleep sorted out and maybe the exercise will help that. Weights will also be good for working out feelings.

Today i am not having a good day again. I have spent all day crying alternalting between massive hurt and incredible rage. At one point i decided i must be on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

I still cannot get past it that my husband treated me this way. I didnt expect anyone ever to treat me this way. But my husband it is worse as he was supposed to take care of me. Ending a 16yr relationship was always going to be hard but this way it is unbearable. I feel like i am going to have a breakdown. But i guess i wont. I will start taking charge of myself soon. I will take charge of myself tonight and take me to the gym.

Interestingly my 17yr son was around today while i was crying all over the place. I told him that i am just going to be like this for a while but i am fundamentally ok. I said to him it most be very difficult for you right now with dad gone and mum like this. And he turned round and said - no it is better, the house is more relaxed with dad not in it and even though you are like this you are still less stressed and easier to be around. How weird and i kind of know what he means. My husband and i didnt fight, he was a kind man (before this happened) but it is almost like he was repressing our house in some undefinable way. Our home does seem a lighter place despite all the hurt at moment.

One thing i do know about myself is that ultimately i am a survivor. I am brighter and tougher than most people i know. But right now i am like a little girl whose daddy left her.

Wedgewood

22nd January 2010, 07:12 PM

Good on you Luce.

It is great that you have taken a strong stand and are showing such determination, but be careful not to put too much pressure on yourself. This is something that I was guilty of in the beginning so I know what I am talking about. Don't worry if you can't run a 10k or lift 100kgs, it is not about performance for you - It is about therapy. Exercise is a great way to make yourself feel better, but it may take a little time before you notice any difference. Just go with the flow and try and get into a routine. As you say it should help you sleep, but don't be afraid to get medical help. It helped me a lot in the begining to see a counselor, and now I am on SSRI's which also help. I am not saying you need these, but just keep it in mind - getting help is nothing to be ashamed of.

Take care and make sure to let us know how it goes down the gym. If there are any nice looking women there try and get a number or 2 for me xxx

Mark x

RayCub

22nd January 2010, 08:08 PM

Just do what you can, luce. And understand you're going to have a great deal of bad days, but it WILL get better. Just give it time; it's SO fresh for you. What you're going through is going to be hard to accept for a long time, but gradually you 'll come to terms with it.

It's natural to feel lost. You ARE lost; the life you knew is shaken up and it's going to take you a while to find solid footing again. But , like you said, you're strong, bright and tough!! You'll get through this, and you'll come out better and stronger on the other side of it. Just be patient.

Exercise is great. At the very least, you'll be stronger physically, so you'll have the comfort of knowing you can totally punch your exes lights out if you ever wanted to!! (kidding!)

Take care of yourself!

Ray
xo

spiderman

22nd January 2010, 08:09 PM

Mark i'll have the numbers you dont want mate........slim petite attractive athletic types for me ta !

Lee

JWD

22nd January 2010, 09:47 PM

Hi Luce,

I think you are doing pretty amazing considering its so fresh. Don't worry about crying, you're a human being and you've had an awful shock. I'll never ever forget that feeling when it first happened. Like a physical pain that you could actually touch. I read somewhere that having these feelings show us that we're alive and I now understand that.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to work out how my ex could be so cold and change literally within minutes but it not worth the anguish. i eventually had to treat my ex as a complete stranger, polite but very distant. I then began seeing him as one, he basically was a stranger but once I stopped trying to work out how he would behave they way he was, I no longer expected anything from him and virtually nothing he said or did surprised me.

I wish I could make you feel better Luce. I hope you managed to sleep. xx

luce

23rd January 2010, 09:46 AM

haha, Mark and Lee. No girlie numbers i am sorry but i did get the numbers of several pretty young men if that will do. :D

The gym was good - i am glad i went. I did cry all over the gym owner, then over his wife and then on one of the assistants. But it was ok. It was a gym i used to go to and so they know me. Lifting weights felt good and i will continue to go. It is funny but I was thinking exactly that about being able to punch his lights out when i was working out Ray.

It seemed that the physical exercise somehow put me very in touch with my anger. And now i am so angry and hating that it is horrible. I keep thinking over and over about how much i hate my husband right now. I have a strong urge to write or call and tell him what a pathetic loser he is and how much i hate him (trying to resist). So much hate is horrible and doesnt feel good at all. I have never hated like this before. How sad that 16yrs shared years should end this way. I am so angry with my husband for bringing it to this.

Hi Luce,

I used to drive myself crazy trying to work out how my ex could be so cold and change literally within minutes but it not worth the anguish. i eventually had to treat my ex as a complete stranger, polite but very distant. I then began seeing him as one, he basically was a stranger but once I stopped trying to work out how he would behave they way he was, I no longer expected anything from him and virtually nothing he said or did surprised me.

Yes, JWD that is it exactly. I have been completely unable to comprehend how the man that has always been so kind and caring to me could change into this cold monster that i dont know. I keep looking for a sign of the man i used to know and it is not coming. The man that said all those horrid things to me 2 weeks ago is not someone i know, the man that stood and lied to me in the street the other day is not someone i know and the man that could ignore my email pouring out all my feelings is definitely not someone i could recognise. It is so shocking. Your thing about treating him like a stranger seems to fit cos actually he is a stranger right now.

Thanks again to you all for being here.

RayCub

23rd January 2010, 01:46 PM

I remember hitting the anger stage....and I welcomed it with open arms. It was much easier for me to deal with and manage than the uncontrollable sad, weepy stage. The anger let me feel like I had more control over myself. I stayed inthat phaase as long as I possibly could...until I didn't feel the need to be angry anymore. Maybe that's when I hit acceptance.

JWD gives great advice! Listen to her :)

Keep your chin up!
Ray
xo

jellybean28

23rd January 2010, 02:20 PM

Hi Luce

Raycub is right welcome the anger stage with open arms. I fought the angry stage (thought it would somehow bring my ex back home :rolleyes:). So got stuck in the why me depressed stage for to long.

Do what you need to get rid of the anger, yell, scream hit a punching bag, you'll feel better for it.

Lots of have written letters to our Ex's like you, with no reply. Someone told me they don't communicate because they feel guilty and ashamed at what they've done. For me I think it's just a cowardly cop out for not facing the pain they've caused.

Take care, make the most of the good days and don't dwell on the not so good days.

Wedgewood

23rd January 2010, 03:45 PM

Shame about the no numbers, men are not really my bag so I will let you keep those to yourself.

Do yourself a favour and dont call him to start an argument. Calling him a pathetic loser.....whatever..... it will only make you feel better for a little while. If you don't want him back then fair enough, but no longterm good will come of this. Just concentrate on you. Do some things that you have been putting off for a while. There must be something that you have thought 'I would love to.......' but always made some sort of excuse not to do it. Well now is your time. Be kind to yourself. It does not have to be anything big like a holiday, but just something that would give you some happiness and be a distraction.

Hope you are keeping well and we are all here for you. You seem like a genuinely lovely person Luce, it is your husbands loss.

Mark x

luce

23rd January 2010, 07:27 PM

seven

23rd January 2010, 07:48 PM

Thanks very much for you kind responses. You are all great and i feel like i am taking so much here at the moment without having anything to give.

Ray i am glad to learn that while you stayed in that stage for as long as needed you move out of it. I cant imagine that i will ever stop being angry right now.

JB it is a cowardly cop out indeed. I had a shout in the car today taking a lead from Seven. I was suprised i could swear so loud. I was a fishwife indeed. :D

Mark, i nearly call him today to tell him how much i hate him but then i realised by doing that i would be effectively letting him off the hook. He would hear my anger and get defensive and it would allow him to justify and excuse himself some more. I am not letting him off the hook that easy. Will try to remember the numbers for you next time. :)

Tonight i am listening to Bob Dylan while waiting for old friend to come over.Doesn't it feel good luce? Hope you had a really good shout and scream. I'm actually looking forward to my next drive so I can get some more off my chest.

Just wanted to say that you need to stop feeling like you are taking from this forum without giving back. You have posted on my thread when you've been at your lowest. It may sound strange, but I feel like this forum is like free therapy - only better. I am so touched at people's responses to my situation, but I also feel like I can offer others support who are going through the same as me.

We're all in this together - we're all going through the same thing, there may be minor differences in the details, but we're all experiencing exactly the same hurt, anger and pain.

Enjoy your Bob Dylan and evening with your friend.
seven xxx

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 12:17 AM

Tonight i am listening to Bob Dylan while waiting for old friend to come over.

Wow - someone with great musical taste, you dont see that very often anymore.

Hope you have a good chin-wag with your friend and it lightens the load a little. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

Mark x

JWD

24th January 2010, 11:17 AM

How was your night Luce?

I'm glad you didn't call to say you hated him. Its so not worth it. There will come a day when you actually don't hate him anymore and you wil be so proud of yourself for not doing it. The brutal truth is, they don't care. no amout of telling them how bad they make you feel will make a difference.

You are doing so well luce. xx

luce

24th January 2010, 01:55 PM

Thanks for all the support and kind words my dear new friends. :)

My night was good. It was my oldest, closest girlfriend that came over. She was on a skiing holiday when all this kicked off so it is first time i have seen her in all this. For first time since this has happened i began to feel normal.

She was amazed as she said i was looking 10yrs younger and better than she had seen me for a long time. She said i looked like the old Luce she remembered before i was ever with him. I can see what she means too. For a while now i have been looking in the mirror and a person that i dont recognise has been looking back at me. I look in the mirror now and i see me again.

I have put the jigsaw of his affair together and see that it was probably going on for around 16mths. So i must have been living with a whole heap of negativity with him in the house. So with him gone it is like am somehow lifted from something repressive despite all the grief, hurt and anger i am in some way freed. I didnt even realise that anything was wrong when i was in it but i am beginning to see that it was actually terribly, terribly wrong even if i didnt recognise it on a conscious level.

I am beginning to understand that i am going to reel for a while, i am going to have good days and bad days for a while but i am probably going to come out of this ok. In fact i am going to be far more than ok.

This forum and all of you have helped more than i can begin to tell. :)

jellybean28

24th January 2010, 02:12 PM

Glad you had a good time with your friend Luce, she gave you some good feedback there noticing how much younger you are looking. :p

If you are also noticing you are looking better that's a good sign that you are begining to heal. Like you said you will still have good days and not so good days for a while and yes you will come though better than OK you will be stronger and wiser. :cool:

Hey Luce while we may have helped you, don't forget your story has helped lots here as well it's all part of the process, when someone shares their story and people reply we all get to look at things that may be going on in all of our lives from a different angle which can help with our own healing, so Thank You Luce for sharing your story

JB xxx :)

luce

25th January 2010, 01:53 PM

Thanks for the kind words JB. :)

I am kind of doing better now. I am still kind of shell shocked and i havent been able to warm up since this happened. I am just freezing all the time (i am not a person that feels the cold normally). I am also so angry. It is not a red hot rage, it is like a cold, cold anger that is quite frightening. But at same time that cold anger is helping me be in control and take charge.

I got through a day yesterday in my own skin. Kind of self-sufficient in the same way as i was when he was here before it all went pear shaped. I am self-employed and work from home so i am used to spending a lot of time in my own company and generally like the way i am self-sufficient. I knuckled down last night and completed my self-assessment tax return of which i am quite proud. I am still behind with my work. I am finding it hard to get motivated. But i am getting a bare minimum done and keeping some money coming in. My friend says to blast Alanis Morrisette but i find myself not in that place at all yet. Today i am listening to Leonard Cohen.

Oh yes, and i have become obsessed with the idea of wanting my door key back. I dont want to give him opportunity to cut it so i just want to turn up outside his work out of the blue and make him hand it over. But i am not sure whether i would just be setting myself up in some way by doing that. I have considered sending someone else to get it for me but i think that would make it too easy for him to just say that he doesnt have it on him. He cant pull that crap on me though.

luce

25th January 2010, 06:07 PM

On advice of someone else i am getting the lock changed rather than getting the key off him. They are coming to do it within the next 48hrs.

JWD

25th January 2010, 06:34 PM

Thats sgood Luce. prevents any stress of having to see him at all. xx

luce

25th January 2010, 11:35 PM

Thats sgood Luce. prevents any stress of having to see him at all. xx

Yeah, its a decision i am starting to feel really good about. Despite my anger i know i will only be all set back if i see him. Changing the locks also seems to symbolise claiming this as my home. :)

seven

26th January 2010, 12:42 AM

Yeah, its a decision i am starting to feel really good about. Despite my anger i know i will only be all set back if i see him. Changing the locks also seems to symbolise claiming this as my home. :)Good for you Luce, that's great to hear. I really cleaned my home and changed some things around this weekend. Bought new bright coloured bath mats, new bed covers (in girly colours!) and bought loads of candles and put them all over the place. I've cleaned and it and organised it the way I like it. It now feels like my home :)
Good on you, you sound like a different person to last week, it's great to see the change. Loads of love xxxx

luce

26th January 2010, 05:26 PM

We are doing grand Seven and i like that you are going girly. :D

Was a funny day for me today. I managed to work which i didnt yesterday. But i cried most of the day. I am still struggling to comprehend how anyone could do such a thing to me and behave in such a terrible, terribly way.

Then this afternoon it suddenly occured to me that i am trying to make sense where there is none. I dont think the behaviour of my husband is of a rational person and there is no understanding the behaviour of a person that has lost it. I started to see it is like trying to make sense of the behaviour of someone in the grips of alcoholism or drug addiction.

jellybean28

26th January 2010, 05:44 PM

Gosh seven and luce you are both doing so well.

What amazing women you both are!! :)

changing the locks was a good idea, stops him nosing around and taking stuff when you're not there.

xxxJB

luce

26th January 2010, 05:55 PM

Gosh seven and luce you are both doing so well.

What amazing women you both are!! :)

changing the locks was a good idea, stops him nosing around and taking stuff when you're not there.

xxxJB

Thanks JB. Your pretty amazing yourself. :D

And you are right re the locks. I have come to the conclusion that my husband has shown that i cant trust him. If i cant trust him in one area i cant trust him in any area of my life. :)

RayCub

26th January 2010, 08:02 PM

I changed the locks as soon as possible, luce. It gave me a little piece of mind and a sense of control, which I desperately needed. It took me much longer, and a family van never returned, however, to come to the conclusion that I couldn't trust him with anything. Good on you for realizing this so soon.

As far as trying to figure him out, STOP! NOW! He's a different person now, and you'll only drive yourself crazy wondering why he's doing what he's doing. I know; I did it for so long, and here I am almost a year later, still not able to wrap my brain around how someone I thought I knew so well turned out to be a complete stranger. I'm much happier just letting it go.

You and seven are incredible. You're handling things so well, and I just want to tell you how incredibly brave and strong you both are.

Continue doing what you're doing; you're on the right path!

Raycub
xo

GTW

26th January 2010, 09:48 PM

I dare say you are already aware of the situation with regards to changing the locks but if not your spouse is legally entitled to break into and/or change the locks if his name is on the mortgage (assuming the property is mortgaged of course). This can be a costly and irritating course of action but is worth knowing; Good luck luce ;)

luce

26th January 2010, 11:11 PM

Thanks Ray. You are always very generous and i do appreciate it.

Dont feel so strong and brave this evening. I had decided that i really dont want to be carving a new life. Just dont want to do it. I want my old life back before any of this happened. I liked my life! I have had a big tantrum about it and cried lots. I think it was always going to be up and down emotionally but the fact i work from home doesnt help. Too much time in my own head.

Thanks for the heads up GTW but it is housing association property so not a problem. At least i dont have messy financial affairs to sort out. :)

Wedgewood

26th January 2010, 11:32 PM

Thanks
Dont feel so strong and brave this evening. I had decided that i really dont want to be carving a new life. Just dont want to do it. I want my old life back before any of this happened. I liked my life! I have had a big tantrum about it and cried lots. I think it was always going to be up and down emotionally but the fact i work from home doesnt help. Too much time in my own head.

Dont sweat it Luce - this is natural. We have all been there. I hope things turn around for you, but just keep focusing on yourself. I know we keep repeating it, but YOU are what is important right now. Look after #1 and things will be better WHATEVER happens.

Mark x

seven

27th January 2010, 01:07 AM

Dont feel so strong and brave this evening. I had decided that i really dont want to be carving a new life. Just dont want to do it. I want my old life back before any of this happened. I liked my life! I have had a big tantrum about it and cried lots.Totally understand Luce, i'm feeling the same. I was feeling so strong and positive, and yesterday and today i'm just feeling crap and lonely again, and in total denial again. I just want my old life back, and don't want to be facing my future alone.

I'm sure i'll be ok again tomorrow - i'm starting to accept these cycles are going to happen. Not getting as wound up and emotional about it all anymore, but just sick of the up's and down's.

Sending lots of love your way xxx

JWD

27th January 2010, 01:09 AM

GTW

27th January 2010, 01:28 AM

Thanks for the heads up GTW but it is housing association property so not a problem. At least i dont have messy financial affairs to sort out. :)

Ironic isn't it, when all is fine and dandy owning your own property is often something prized highly by married couples but when divorce is imminent, you find yourself wishing you did not have to deal with such a heavy issue of splitting all you have worked for with both parties trying to come out of it with as much as possible to try and build two individual existence's.

luce

27th January 2010, 03:35 PM

Totally understand Luce, i'm feeling the same. I was feeling so strong and positive, and yesterday and today i'm just feeling crap and lonely again, and in total denial again. I just want my old life back, and don't want to be facing my future alone.

Yup, it is harsh and scary and i am experiencing some resistance. The other day i was attempting to take charge and march into my new life. Today i feel like i am being dragged into it kicking and screaming.

luce

27th January 2010, 03:45 PM

I think its normal to mourn the life you once had and the future you thought you had. Part of the reason I went for EFT therapy was because I was feeling so resentful about how much m,y life had changed financially too. I know that sounds very selfish but I'm annoyed I need to go through mortages, insurance, hassle of changing names back etcAnd I resent the fact I may never have children. By the time I'm ready to get serious with someone I may be too old. Its not his fault, I know that really, The rational part of me thinks why shouldn;t he go after someone whom he is or thinks he is in love with. Why do I blame him? I would have been in a another country too. Its a big change today from where I though I would be.

I'm positive deep down that I'm going to be just fine but I don't like feelings of resentment and bitterness - even to him so althought its only a tint part left, I still want rid of it.

I'm very happy otherwise :-)

I should point put that we didn't ever plan for children so its just another thing to blame him for LOL

Nah, i think you should blame him. :D

I am not yet so sure that i am going to be just fine deep down. I pay lip service to it cos i think thats what i should say. I am very good at telling myself that i will not only be fine i will be better without him. But to be honest i am not convinced that i will ever be fine again. But it is such early days. :)

I dont know how old you are but my friend was still popping out children in her late 40s. She has far more energy for them that i ever did for mine and i was only 28 when i had my lad. It has been praying on my mind that the women my husband has gone off with is 35yrs old (i am nearly 45) and no children so i keep thinking that maybe she is pregnant already or will be soon. But it is daft for me to waste energy speculating about it.

luce

27th January 2010, 03:47 PM

Ironic isn't it, when all is fine and dandy owning your own property is often something prized highly by married couples but when divorce is imminent, you find yourself wishing you did not have to deal with such a heavy issue of splitting all you have worked for with both parties trying to come out of it with as much as possible to try and build two individual existence's.

Yup, it is funny because i had been saying to my husband that as we had now reached a point where we were on a good income between us we should look to buy. Now i read everyone elses posts and what they are going through with mortgages, houses and solicitors i am glad that i at least dont have that to deal with.

seven

27th January 2010, 03:56 PM

Yup, it is harsh and scary and i am experiencing some resistance. The other day i was attempting to take charge and march into my new life. Today i feel like i am being dragged into it kicking and screaming.I hear you luce. I think i'm accepting this is going to be the norm for a while... I must say though, this site is really helping in keeping me sane!!! I don't feel anywhere near as alone as I did 3 weeks ago when it first happened. It's amazing how you bond with people - even though the situation you meet them in is in times of sadness.
Hope you're ok xxxxxx

jellybean28

27th January 2010, 03:58 PM

crush

27th January 2010, 09:29 PM

Hi Luce and sorry you have found yourself here with the rest of us. It is always hard to imagine life without someone when you have shared so much together. You must realise that he is now a different person, the one you knew would never have hurt you so badly. It is strange how they change so fast, mine is unrecognisable to the man I new 10 months ago. He has lied so much, something he never did before and is so angry which could of course be his guilt.

It is hard to see how you are going to get through this but believe me you will. I still have bad days but at least now I am trying to look forward, something I could not even consider before I was just waiting for him to wake up and come back. He left of ow but he is now living with his parents again but is still seeing her I have no idea what is going on but it is a backwards move I do know that. He is now looking for a place of his own to start a new life.

The thing is people do not just leave for nothing there is usually something better, or so they think, to move on to but rarely is the grass greener. I do think they crave for something more and stay in the relationship until something takes their fancy. I am sure now my ex had been unhappy for ages although he was a good actor and I never suspected anything, we had been together for 20 years so I thought I knew him well. I trusted him completely as I am sure you did to. This goes with you into your future as you always look at other people and think will they hurt me too. It is a vicious cycle but you do need time to heal and come to terms with what has happened to you.

In time you will move on and you deserve to. Someone will come along when you least expect it and give you all you need. You will end up pitying your ex for all he has thrown away but at the end of the day it will be his loss.

Keep posting it really does help. Good luck.

JWD

28th January 2010, 06:04 AM

luce

28th January 2010, 09:56 AM

. You must realise that he is now a different person, the one you knew would never have hurt you so badly. It is strange how they change so fast, mine is unrecognisable to the man I new 10 months ago. He has lied so much, something he never did before and is so angry which could of course be his guilt. .

Yes, it is so strange. I am really struggling to get my head around it. I know that i need to just accept it and stop turning it over and over in my mind but i am struggling with this one. My husband has been so cold. It hurt me beyond belief when he told me that he never wanted to get married. Our marriage was one of the most precious things in my life and he says that! This morning i woke at 5am and spent 2 hrs laying there wondering how it is that this man who has always been so attentive to me can simply not contact for 3 weeks. On some level i know the reasons why but i am still filled with disbelief.

.It is hard to see how you are going to get through this but believe me you will. I still have bad days but at least now I am trying to look forward, something I could not even consider before I was just waiting for him to wake up and come back..

Can relate to all that. I am stomping around saying that i will NEVER allow him back into my life but part of me is like you say waiting for him to wake up. I really dont like that part of me either. It feels like the week and pathetic part. I am up and down hour to hour and sometimes i know i will get through and other times i dont know it. Glad to learn you are gradually looking forward. :)

.The thing is people do not just leave for nothing there is usually something better, or so they think, to move on to but rarely is the grass greener. I do think they crave for something more and stay in the relationship until something takes their fancy. I am sure now my ex had been unhappy for ages although he was a good actor and I never suspected anything, we had been together for 20 years so I thought I knew him well. I trusted him completely as I am sure you did to. .

Yes, I have had those thoughts too.

.In time you will move on and you deserve to. Someone will come along when you least expect it and give you all you need. You will end up pitying your ex for all he has thrown away but at the end of the day it will be his loss.

Keep posting it really does help. Good luck.

Thanks Crush.

luce

28th January 2010, 10:00 AM

[QUOTE=jellybean28;51445]
Your right JWD. The loss of a partner through death or a break up is in some ways the same, with death though while the grief and pain may be just as intense you don't have to deal with the Ex making a new life with someone else. There is still anger and all the other emotions and we all grieve differently and for a different amount of time.
QUOTE]

I read up on this also, after a some tactless idiot telling me at least he didn;t die. Of course it must be horrific to lose a partner through death but I was feeling guilty after that comment and I read about how it is the same grief not worse or better the difference is that when a partner dies, their love for you is never questioned.

Yes, that is one of the worst things in all this. My husband is claiming to have never loved me and that he never wanted to get married. I wish he could have just said 'i met someone else and have delevoped feeling for them and fallen out of love with you'. To say he never loved me is unbearable. He has not only taken away the future he has trashed the past.

GTW

28th January 2010, 11:07 AM

That must be terrible luce although I am sure he is talking rubbish either that or he must be some kind of nutter to have married you without having the correct feelings for you. I think he is saying these things to try and push you beyond wanting him back and this in turn makes it easier for him. The one thing that helps me deal with my situation is knowing the fact that for most of the time that my X and I were together we did experience true and real love together and for that I have to be thankful.
I am trying so hard to be philosophical about this happening in my life. We have to take whatever situation we may find ourselves in and make it work to our advantage. O.K., the one we thought we would spend the rest of our lives with has rejected us and sought to live a better life elsewhere, we can not stop them and nor should we let ourselves go to pieces trying.
Fall back, re group and make some plans.
I am 45 today and am going to spend my time considering my options with regards to a major re think on how I intend to enter the next phase of my adult life. It is a great shame regarding the demise of my marriage, or is it?
I am looking for that open door and am sure I will eventually find it/them but we just have to accept that it will take time.

luce

28th January 2010, 01:16 PM

I think he is saying these things to try and push you beyond wanting him back and this in turn makes it easier for him.

Thanks GTW. I tried to hold onto that thought too but i must own i am struggling to keep hold of that. I have spoken to some of my friends who were witness to some of the good times such as the wedding and the build up to it and they tell me that it is nonsense what he is saying. But when i bumped into him last week in town and dragged out of him about the affair i called him on it. I said to him that he had made it about me and him when really it was about someone else. I told him that i didnt buy the stuff about him not wanting to get married and for a second there he looked at me with such scepticism that i just wanted to die. He went on in to re-iterate that he had never loved me. It is so damn painful and i am trying not to buy into it but it is hard. It is good that you can hang onto the knowledge that you and your wife had something very special. :)

Today i have come to realise that all his friends in the town where he has gone will have undoubtably known about the affair. They hugged me and welcomed me into their lives and then they knew this. I started writing a email to one of them - a chap my husband has been clearly using as a smoke screen. I wanted to tell him that not only has my husband lied and hurt me but they all have. This is probably not a good idea though so i have written it but not pressed send.

GTW

28th January 2010, 01:35 PM

luce, I would not even be tempted to draft an email, even if you don't send it now you may well be tempted to at some later date when you will undoubtedly be suffering a low ebb. Put it all in a journal as many have previously suggested, read it, keep it but more importantly ecxorsise it.
It is not good to hassle their friends and family, it does not sit well with anyone nor does it serve any purpose that journaling will not equal.
You need to try and understand that the ONE single person that you have relied on for the past 16 years+ to always tell you the truth about how they are feeling is probably now the very last person on earth who is capable of giving you a straight answer - he does not even know himself or has at least subjected himself to an exclusive type of brainwashing to cope with his denial.
I KNOW everything just keeps on going round and round in your head but you really need to try and distance yourself, it is consuming you. Don't get me wrong luce, I am not preaching and am only a little further down the road than you but all of what I have said has been said to me and I can now verify it is the way forward.
Chin up luce, you can and WILL get this thing licked, the fact that so many before us have done so tells us that X.

jellybean28

28th January 2010, 01:46 PM

Luce I think your husband is saying those cruel and hurtful things to you out of guilt. Please don't send the letter I don't think it's a good idea, if those friends have supported your H while he was betraying your marriage, all it will do is justify the rubbish your H is saying about not having loved you. Their Karma will catch up with them.

after a some tactless idiot telling me at least he didn;t die. Of course it must be horrific to lose a partner through death but I was feeling guilty after that comment and I read about how it is the same grief not worse or better the difference is that when a partner dies, their love for you is never questioned.
Luce my mum said this to me rather smugly one night after I had mentioned that it was difficult to visit her as she kept reliving the night my dad passed away five years ago. We don't have a good relationship but that's another story.

Luce I would walk away from your H and his crummy friends and not bother wasting any more energy on them they are not worth it. Use that energy to re-build the wondeful life you deserve. I can't tell you how do rebuild your life, but I know you will think of a way. Only communicate with your H if it is necessary for legal, finanacial reasons.

GTW Happy Birthday, :) use the day of your birth to start a new life and leave the past behind, go through that open door and embrace your new life journey. I did it on Jan 1 and only regret not finding that dam open door sooner. You will still face challenges and setbacks along the way, but no journey is without hicups.

Namste JB

luce

28th January 2010, 02:07 PM

luce, I would not even be tempted to draft an email, even if you don't send it now you may well be tempted to at some later date when you will undoubtedly be suffering a low ebb. Put it all in a journal as many have previously suggested, read it, keep it but more importantly ecxorsise it..

Wow, GTW i am so glad you are here. You are a 100% right. I have drafted this an email and will immediately go and delete it. It would be way to easy to press send at a low moment. I will start a journal instead.

It is not good to hassle their friends and family, it does not sit well with anyone nor does it serve any purpose that journaling will not equal...

Again you are right. I am the one that would come out looking like a sad act if i do this.

I KNOW everything just keeps on going round and round in your head but you really need to try and distance yourself, it is consuming you. Don't get me wrong luce, I am not preaching and am only a little further down the road than you but all of what I have said has been said to me and I can now verify it is the way forward....

No, i dont think you are preaching. I really need people to straighten my head out right now so it very much appreciated. Thank-you.

luce

28th January 2010, 02:16 PM

Luce I think your husband is saying those cruel and hurtful things to you out of guilt. Please don't send the letter I don't think it's a good idea, if those friends have supported your H while he was betraying your marriage, all it will do is justify the rubbish your H is saying about not having loved you. Their Karma will catch up with them.

You are right. He has probably told them i am some kind of bunny boiler or something and i will definitely look like one if i do this. Wont do it.

Luce my mum said this to me rather smugly one night after I had mentioned that it was difficult to visit her as she kept reliving the night my dad passed away five years ago. We don't have a good relationship but that's another story.
.

Ouch.

Luce I would walk away from your H and his crummy friends and not bother wasting any more energy on them they are not worth it. Use that energy to re-build the wondeful life you deserve. I can't tell you how do rebuild your life, but I know you will think of a way. Only communicate with your H if it is necessary for legal, finanacial reasons. .

You are right. Bloomin facebook puts them all in my face too. I know i should just delete them all but cant quite bring myself to do it because i am obsessing somewhat. I must do it though. I must cut links and delete every one of them.

seven

28th January 2010, 02:26 PM

Hi Luce, yet again I hear you!! I have drafted emails to my H, many times just asking what is going on etc. I got too close to sending, so just opened up a word document and started typing into that instead - no danger of hitting send by accident...

Anyway, I can't say that I write in it every day (i think this forum has kinda taken its place!) but when I need to let off steam and tell him how angry I am, and ask questions about why it's happening etc, i put it down in this word document. It's become a sort of diary. In the beginning I wrote in it every day, sometimes 3 to 4 times a day. Every time I needed to put in writing what was going through my head. Then I let off steam through venting and shouting in the car - which does help!

Through finding this forum, i've written less and less in the journal, but it's still there for when I get the urge to contact him. I really do think you'll find it helpful.

As for facebook - totally understand!! I was obsessing about it a couple of weeks ago. Now, i've kind of switched off from it. I went through a stage of wanting to delete every single person on there who is also friends with him, but I know it will make me look like the manic one who's not coping. Sod that. I'm going to keep being friends with his friends for as long as it takes or until he or them feel uncomfortable. Then they're the ones who can feel like crap for deleting me as a friend. I'll hold my head high and know i've reacted in a calm and collected manner. However, if any of H's friends had acted as a smoke screen for him, I definitely think i'd be deleting them! I couldn't bear to see them on facebook or anywhere else. Just delete the ones who have lied to you. you don't need them in your life anymore.

Keep doing what you're doing Luce, you're doing FAB.
xxxxx
p.s. I don't believe the bullsh*t about him never loving you. I think he's said this out of guilt and to push you away.

GTW

28th January 2010, 02:47 PM

All you need to do when you are feeling at a loose (or luce:D ) end is to trawl through some previous threads and you will find the advice you need I am sure. I wish I had discovered this site a few months ago but on the other hand, at least I DID find it ( see, glass is half full approach, works like a charm;) ). Everyone that I have seen post on here seems so decent and genuine too; how could or why would any sane person leave people like this? The 64million dollar question.
I just got of the phone after speaking with my friend who is the male party that owns the B&B that my X is currently staying at. We spoke firstly about work as this is how I first made his acquaintance some 9 years ago and then I just couldn't help myself from mentioning the X. He said that he had confronted her about her new male friend and let her know in no uncertain terms that she was not to bring him into their establishment, which was a nice gesture I thought. He agrees with me that it is probably little more than her finding the attention welcome and that it is unlikely to grow into any more but who knows. The strange thing is that because my X and I have never had any infidelity problems and as she said the other day, we are separated and she has no intentions of returning I really do not feel devastated by the actual act but more the fact that the act itself has drawn a big black line under this whole scenario. I don't know what all this means but hope I will be able to make sense over time.

luce

29th January 2010, 02:08 PM

Thanks Seven and GTW. I am sorry that you both find yourself here but i am very glad to have you both in my life right now. :)

I have had a strange day so far. I couldnt believe that my husband had exited my life in this awful way. What a dreadful way to have an ending! And i was so sad about it that i wanted to call my husband because if i had been as sad as this about anything before it was him i would have gone to straight away. But i know it is not the way forward so havent done it. After i dropped my son to college at 8.30 this morning i entered uncontrollable crying. I had to take my car for its MOT and was sitting in waiting room with tears uncontrollably streaming down my face. The poor chaps at MOT station were pretending not to notice, haha.

This carried on until around 11.30am when i think my neighbour must have seen me walking up the path in floods of tears cos bless him he knocked on my door 'just to say hello'. He came and had a cup of tea with me and i was telling him how i didnt want to be carving a new life and how it was all too hard. Bless him, he pointed out that while it is hard i am not carving a new life - I am simply tweaking this one somewhat. He pointed out i still have my lovely son who is growing into a fine young man, that i still have a nice home, that i still have my own business and that overall all the things that were in my life before are still there.

He said that i have had major loss with my husband going but that it is only one area of my life that i will have to work to put something in place of as i still have a lot of positive things going on. He said it in such a way that didnt minimise the loss but put some perspective on what i am really facing here.

So i am feeling slightly more positive again. The weekend feels a bit daunting but i will take myself off to the gym tonight and tomorrow afternoon i have arrangements for coffee with a friend. So i have some things in place.

seven

29th January 2010, 02:20 PM

Oh luce, sending big hugs your way. It can't have been easy for you this morning, and my experience has just been to let the tears flow. I can't stop them sometimes - and I don't even try anymore, but each day they are getting less and less.

I think your neighbour is spot on. You have so many other things in your life to be positive about. I KNOW it's hard because all we can do right now is focus on our husbands, but just try for an hour at a time to NOT think about him and what's happening right now. I do sometimes just sit here feeling like i'm drowning, and the situation i'm in just seems to overwhelm me - so much so that I feel like i'm in a surreal dream and I just want to wake up. Then I just try to think about something that makes me happy, and the drowning feeling soon fades.

I'm finding it really helpful to get things in my diary to look forward to. I'm currently in the process of booking a holiday for March. I'm now thinking about that more and more each day, and it's giving me something to focus on.

I do find that even though I book little things in my diary, such as meeting friends for coffee etc, a part of me dreads it and i just want to lock myself away and not leave the house. BUt over the last 3 weeks when i've dragged myself out of the house, i've actually enjoyed meeting my friends. So stick with it, these things will all help to take your mind off what's going on.

You've got a LOT to look forward to Luce. We both started this journey around the same time, and i'll make sure we get through this together. I'm sticking to the one day at a time thing, and not putting too much pressure on myself if I get down. This week has been crap and i've felt really down, but i'm starting to come out of it again. You will too. Just focus on having a nice weekend. If you cry, that's ok, just let it out, and then do something that makes you smile - put on your favourite song, or cook your favourite meal.

BIG HUGS xxx

luce

30th January 2010, 01:44 AM

Seven, i am a bit at loss for words right now, possibly cos i drank too much with my step-dad and his new wife tonight, but i want to say that you are fab and i have grown so fond of you in such a short time. On your advice i have started journalling.

I realised later that the reason i had such a difficult day was my son was meeting with my hubs for lunch today. I want them to have a continued relationship very much but didnt realise what a toll it would take on me. It was only when my son came home and he was saying 'dad this' and 'dad that' that i realised how tough their meeting had been on me. But it went well for my son and his dad put his money where his mouth is and offered financial support with provisional licence/driving lessons etc. He is my lads step-dad (been with us since boy was only 11mths old) so i thought he was going to avoid responsibility. I am relieve d that this isnt case. One less thing for me to be angry about.

My son is wonderful. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. Tonight i was crying again and he came and gave me a hug and said 'mum you do know you were too good for him right? You are really warm and caring and dad has always been cold and emotionaless'.
I said 'no, i didnt know that and love you for saying it' at which point he said 'i cant believe you didnt know that mum, i have always known it and it really shocks me that you didnt know that'. What a wonderful son i have!

I feel so much better for hearing this. I also spoke to my accountant last week and told him what happened. He immediately went to work and juggled my books in the perfectly legitimate ways that accountants can. The upshot is that i have a lump sum of money left over that i wasnt expecting. I am considering taking off too Thailand in 2 weeks. I have never done anything like this before - i have only done holidays where i know what i am doing and where i am staying. This would be a real back-packer adventure with nothing but flights booked. But i am a little scared that maybe i am too vunerable for this right now - then again it may be just what i need to find my strength.

jellybean28

30th January 2010, 06:08 AM

Hi Luce

I found journalling helped me. I've looked back over some of what I'd written and from that can see how much I've moved on and how much happier I am. :)

Great idea about your holiday. If Thailand is somewhere you've always wanted to then go for it. I'm flying from the West coast of Australia to the East coast next weekend for a course I've always wanted to. Huge step for me as I've never had to make travel and accomodation arrangements myself, my Ex took care of all that. I just went and did as I was told.
At the end of the day it's about creating a new life and future for yourself. The holiday will give you some happy memories, to talk about with family and friends as your plan your future.

Don't forget Luce you have lot's of love and support here.

Hope you do something nice over the weekend. Take care JB

luce

30th January 2010, 09:48 AM

Hi Luce

. I'm flying from the West coast of Australia to the East coast next weekend for a course I've always wanted to.

JB that is so exciting and brave! I am excited for you. :D

And Seven where are you going on holiday? :D

crush

31st January 2010, 07:10 PM

Hi Luce glad you are trying to look positive it is hard and does take time. Writing a journal is a good idea it helps try to make sense of all that is happening as is writing on here. I know when I look back at my old threads I know I have come a long way. In the beginning I would sit in my lounge looking out of the window for hours on end not having the inclination to do anything and would find myself just thinking of ex, so much time and energy spent on someone who did not deserve it.

I am glad you are looking to get away it will do you the world of good will give you time to reflect and see where to go next. I have just booked a holiday with my friend and her family we went away last year which was our "family holiday" but of course ex wasn't there. It just helps to have things to look forward to. I must admit I do tend to live for today as it scares me to plan to far into the future anymore.

I also find it hard that your ex said he had never loved you, why get married in the first place was he stupid or something!! My guess is his guilt it makes him feel better if you can hate him anymore than you already do. My ex has been vile to me saying some really hurtful things and in turn I have retaliated and this has given him the ammunition to fire back again but I know he is guilty and will be so for the rest of his life, this he has told me when he has been in "nice" mode.

We will move on, all of us, you are still in the very early stages so I can empathise exactly how you are feeling and all the emotions that go with it. I still have days when I cry something will just set me off or I will hear a song on the radio etc and it all comes flooding back to me. I have to admit that the bad days are lessening to a degree time is a great healer but getting to that point is the hardest part.

Keep your chin up and stay strong x

luce

1st February 2010, 10:21 AM

Thanks for kind words and re-assurance Crush. Glad to learn your bad days are lessening.

If what he says about never having loved me and never wanting to get married is true then i can only think 'what does that say about him'. How weak, spineless and pathetic. I never ever do anything that i dont want to do so clearly i am much stronger person.

But i am still going through it quite badly. I still cant stop crying, had a mini panic attack in the supermarket yesterday and am again so angry. I really, really want to tell him how much i hate him right now, how i dont care anymore that he has been screwing someone else but i will never get past the lies and deciept. When he left he said all those horrid things that totally crushed me and kept repeating 'well you asked for the truth' but thing is it still wasnt the truth was it. The truth was that he has been a lying scumbag. Certainly lying for duration of affair and if what he says is true then lying for 16yrs. My gawd i hate him. I so want to tell him. But for now i have only journalled it.

I have so much anger that i really want to let him have it but i know that by doing this i will only be giving him another justification for his behaviour. I dont want to give him any get out clauses but my gawd it is hard holding onto this anger. It is breaking me up.

I am in the middle of booking flights to leave for Thailand in 2 weeks but i keep going to press send and stopping. I am in so many bits right now. Sometimes i think i am having nervous breakdown. If i get on a plane and fly long haul i will be so far from the women friends that are helping pick me up off the floor everytime i end up face down. It may be just the distraction i need but it could be disaster. Of my closest friends one says it is too much for me right now and it will be too isolated so far away from home and the other thinks it is just distraction i need. Myself i dont know - i am just all broken up right now. But if i do this thing which will be a very big thing for me to do - just getting on a plane with nothing booked the other end - then i will know that i am unbreakable.

I am sorry to be in such a state. I am usually a super-strong person. But right now i am cracking. I am not even sure what i am cracking about anymore.

JWD

1st February 2010, 01:18 PM

Its a major, life changing event Luce, strongest person in the world would still crack. Don't give yourself a hard time for reacting as you are.

Have you been to the doctors for something to help with panic attacks? They are so frightening. I used to think people were being dramatic until I had three.

Do you have any female friends that would go away for a week with you?

jellybean28

1st February 2010, 02:02 PM

Hi Luce,

Keep hanging there girl. You are doing well, so when you have setbacks don't be hard on yourself. As JWD asked have you been to the drs for something for your panic attacts? I used to think the same as JWD untill I had a couple of panic attacts, now if we were genteel victorian ladies we would have quietly swooned nice and lady like :rolleyes: yeah right. Thank goodness we are in the 21st centry and can express ourselves. With out being accused of being delicate because we are women. You are strong and once you get through the other side of this you will be even stronger than your pathetic cowardly ex could ever hope to be.

Luce find a couple of pillows and beat the crap out of them, they won't mind, hey draw a face on one it'll help realease the anger. Don't give him the satisifaction of seeing your anger, he's just not worth it.

Now for your getting away, maybe your trip to thailand alone may be a bit much for you right now, only you can decide. Could you maybe visit a spa for a weekend with a friend, a couple of days of pampering might do just the trick, then in a while have your thailand trip.

Don't appologize for the way you are feeling at the moment Luce most of us have been there and understand. Keep posting it helps

Sending you hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

luce

1st February 2010, 04:58 PM

Its a major, life changing event Luce, strongest person in the world would still crack. Don't give yourself a hard time for reacting as you are.

Thanks JWD - i really needed to hear that. Perfectly timed. :)

Have you been to the doctors for something to help with panic attacks? They are so frightening. I used to think people were being dramatic until I had three.

Do you have any female friends that would go away for a week with you?

A few people have suggested that i go to Dr but i am a little bit resistant to visiting Dr. unless i have too. But i have got some sessions lined up with the counsellor attached to Dr's surgery so hopefully that will help (first one tomorrow)

I dont have any female friends that are in position just to drop everything and go. But my 17yr old son has agreed to come and i have booked the tickets now. We leave for Thailand on Valentines day. :eek:

luce

1st February 2010, 05:07 PM

Hi Luce,

Keep hanging there girl. You are doing well, so when you have setbacks don't be hard on yourself. As JWD asked have you been to the drs for something for your panic attacts? I used to think the same as JWD untill I had a couple of panic attacts, now if we were genteel victorian ladies we would have quietly swooned nice and lady like :rolleyes: yeah right. Thank goodness we are in the 21st centry and can express ourselves. With out being accused of being delicate because we are women. You are strong and once you get through the other side of this you will be even stronger than your pathetic cowardly ex could ever hope to be.

Yeah, you are right. I didnt realise i was beating myself up for having a hard time and i am. I guess i really need to be being kind to me and not giving myself a kicking right now. As above re: drs.

Luce find a couple of pillows and beat the crap out of them, they won't mind, hey draw a face on one it'll help realease the anger. Don't give him the satisifaction of seeing your anger, he's just not worth it. .

haha, will give it a go. He doesnt deserve to see any of my feelings really does he. Not my vulnerable ones, not my angry ones, not any of them.

Now for your getting away, maybe your trip to thailand alone may be a bit much for you right now, only you can decide. Could you maybe visit a spa for a weekend with a friend, a couple of days of pampering might do just the trick, then in a while have your thailand trip.

Oops there is the voice of reason - pity i didnt read your post before i went off half-cocked and booked the tickets. :D

jellybean28

1st February 2010, 05:15 PM

Hey Luce,

I'm so glad your son can go with you, it will be good for both of you.
Good day to go Valentines day, sign of good things to come, and you won't be at home thinking about things. You'll be to excited and looking forward to your trip. :D

As for my spa suggestion, coming up after you'd booked you plane tickets, just shows the Thailand trip is meant to be Luce. If not it would have been posted before now.

luce

1st February 2010, 06:24 PM

JB, thank-you for being such a wonderful person. :)

I think it is good day to go too. :D

GTW

1st February 2010, 08:18 PM

Hey luce, I think that it is great that you and your Son are going away on an adventure/break, it will give you (both) a huge boost during this hideous time for sure.
I am thinking of taking a year or so off and touring the U.S.A. once I have my finances in order (although it wont be for a long while yet I reckon), but because of the vast time scale of this possible escapade, I am already thinking that it may be to large a task. A quick adventure holiday like you have planned sounds like it might be just the ticket (no pun intended).
I know I will converse with you before you go but may I take this opportunity to wish you both a very happy and rewarding experience.

seven

1st February 2010, 08:57 PM

Luce - I am SO proud of you. Sorry I haven't replied sooner, wasn't on much over weekend, but have just caught up on your thread. I've also grown very fond of you :) it's heartwarming to know that others are going through things at the same time, but are still able to reach out and open their heart to a complete stranger. I thank you for that :)

I cannot believe the change in tone of your replies. You are doing SO well. I am so pleased you're going to Thailand. I honestly thing it will change your life. The fact that you even thought of going so soon and almost booked it for 2 weeks time just shows me how strong you truly are. If you couldn't mentally cope with it, you wouldn't have even thought of it. I truly believe this is going to be life changing for you.

About 10 years ago I was going through a really tough time in my life, and I did a similar thing and left for a trip to australia. I didn't come back until a year later :)

I wouldn't worry too much about the anxiety/panic attacks if you think you are in control of them. I have had 3 similar experiences since the split, thankfully they were all in private so I managed to sit there and cry them out. They are getting so much easier to deal with now. More of a fleeting feeling, rather than a full on attack. I often thought about going to the doctors, but promised myself that I would only go if I felt like I had no other option (i'm not saying this would work for everyone, but it worked for me).

You sound like you have come a LONG way since this first happened Luce. If you don't think so, just read back through your story. He is the loser in all of this, and will live to regret all of the things he has said and done.

All you need to do now is concentrate on what you're going to drink on the plane :)
xxx

GTW

3rd February 2010, 01:36 AM

Hey luce, I see you are on here at the moment, how are you holding up?

mangonpineapple

3rd February 2010, 08:38 AM

luce

3rd February 2010, 11:17 AM

luce

3rd February 2010, 11:20 AM

Hey luce, I see you are on here at the moment, how are you holding up?

Sorry, GTW i missed this last night. I am still very up and down but beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. The upcoming trip is giving me another focus which is cool. You have grown important in my life in such a short time. GTW, you are a definite treasure. :)

luce

3rd February 2010, 11:26 AM

Hi Luce,
I just visiting to see how you are doing. I had written a long reply but just lost it as I was going to post! I will just summarise what I had said. You are dong very well. The holdiay is a good idea and I'm glad you are going with your son. I can get overwhelming when all alone in a strange country while going through emotional turmoil. Do consider getting a prescription for the anxiety, to take with you, just in case. It may be tricky getting to prescription whilst there if you needed it quickly. I found that I wasn't embarrassed to cry or tell what had happened to me to people who were complete strangers. In fact I was touched by the generosity and empathy of human beings in general. I was reminded that people in gneneral are generous and kind despite all the pain and betrayal caused by a loved one. Keep it up and you will get there. You are taking the right steps. Cyber hugs xx

Thanks for the much needed cyber hugs Mango. I think you are right that there will be people when i need them where-ever i am in the world. The amazing thing in all this is that there have been people coming out of the woodwork to reach out a hand. Most of these hands are being offered via the internet but they are holding me in ways i cant explain. I know about myself that i will talk to anyone so but i hadnt really thought about that in terms of your my upcoming adventure. But i think you are right if i need people i will reach out and they will be there. And i can still come online if i need it. :)

GTW

3rd February 2010, 12:48 PM

Sorry, GTW i missed this last night. I am still very up and down but beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. The upcoming trip is giving me another focus which is cool. You have grown important in my life in such a short time. GTW, you are a definite treasure. :)

No worries luce, the up and down aspect of the predicament we find ourselves in is really tiring isn't it but I am truly glad that you have at least discovered that the tunnel even has an end, and there is light there too, BRILLIANT! At least for you, there is the expectation of your up and coming trip to raise your spirits, even I am looking forward to it! :D
I feel humbled by your last comment luce but can relate as the feeling is mutual I can assure you.

luce

3rd February 2010, 01:07 PM

haha, i have been obsessing since my last posts. I wrote this in my journal and really want to send it to him.When i wrote it in my journal there were a few choice words edited out for public forum posting. I really want to send it to him. I am so angry and just dont know what to do with it;

Nearly one month on i find that i don’t give a toss that you have been screwing some stupid little girl for god knows how long and she is a stupid little girl, real grown up women would not behave as she has done.

What wakes me up in a cold sweats is the lies and the deciept. The complicated stories you made up – the fact that this didn’t just happen spontaneously – you planned and schemed your time with her sometimes way in advance. You even flaunted your relationship right in from of me on facebook – me looking at the pictures of you together not realising what i was seeing. How bloody naive of me!

Every lie you told to me you also told to our son. You even went as far as making him get the bus home and walk in the snow so you could be with her telling me that he was the one that was lying when really it was you. How disgustingly low.

But worst still you lied to me for 16 years and you lied to me on the most important day of my life, our wedding day. I see now that you used me. You used me until you could stand on your own 2 feet. How pathetic that it took you so long. To learn that you lied for 16yrs was a truth I didn’t need to know.

As you were telling me that you had never loved me and how you had never wanted to get married you kept saying ‘well, you wanted the truth so i am giving you the truth’. But you knew damn well that it wasn’t the truth I was asking for. Your behaviour had been of someone that was seeing someone else and I was asking you if there was someone else. That’s all I needed to know.

But instead you were too cowardly to own that truth so instead you chose to crush me with other truths that I hadn’t asked you for. I never needed to know those things in any lifetime and I will never forgive you as long as I live. What sort of person says those things to another human being!

Don’t think because I don’t forgive you that any of this has been easy for me because it hasn’t. It has been the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. You knew you were going ages before it happened. I was completely blindsided. I hate you.

GTW

3rd February 2010, 01:31 PM

My goodness luce :eek:, I can't believe how you kept it so calm and dignified, very impressed.
You must try and get your head around the fact that there is no way on this earth that he has spent the last 16 years married to you and did not love you from the off, I just don't buy it. He knows he has messed up and regardless of his feelings for you now says these poisonous things to try and blame you for his despicable behaviour; He has blown it and he knows it.
Don't send the above to him, as much as you really want to; DON'T SEND IT!
I know it sounds a bit weird but try physically writing it down and put it in an addressed envelope and burn it, I have not tried it myself but it is supposed to be very liberating.

Cuddles to you luce (a variation on your big hugs) :D, and concentrate on your impending trip.

luce

3rd February 2010, 02:13 PM

You must try and get your head around the fact that there is no way on this earth that he has spent the last 16 years married to you and did not love you from the off, I just don't buy it.

Thank-you GTW. I am reading your response with tears streaming down my face. This is the bit that really hurts in all this. I am trying to not take it on board but the thing is that in a lot of ways it rings true. Up until this he was always a good, kind caring man but i always felt like i adored him in a way that he did not feel for me. But i ignored that feeling and looked instead at his behaviour. His behaviour was always that of someone that loved me. I settled for a good man that was kind to me but deep down i didnt feel he loved me in same way as i did him. It is like i just didnt trust my gut - my gut said one thing, he said it wasnt true and he loved me, his behaviour said the same. So i thought that i was just too needy or something and ignored my gut feeling. He now says this and it confirms what my gut said always.

Just for today i wont send it. I will try your suggestion of writing it and burning it. Thanks for the much needed cuddles. :)

GTW

3rd February 2010, 05:50 PM

seven

3rd February 2010, 06:52 PM

Luce - WELL DONE YOU for getting that off your chest. Such an articulate few paragrahs. I don't think i could post any of my journal on here because it's too full of swear words.

I agree with GTW, your H is a liar. He could NEVER have stayed for so long or even married you in the first place if he didn't feel love for you. He is obviously suffering from an enormous amount of guilt for what he has done to you (and rightly so) but is looking for a way to offload some of this guilt, so is trying to "free" himself from it.

I really think that by saying he never loved you is justifying in his own mind that it was ok to have an affair. It obviously frees him from thinking he did anything wrong, if he justifies it by saying he didn't love you in the first place. What a pile of dog poo.

Don't waste your precious energy on this imbecile any longer. From reading your posts I can tell that you are an incredibly warm, loving, fun, amazing person. You deserve better and you know it. That's the stage i'm at now - i miss my H so much, and every day I hate that this is happening to me, but 4 weeks on i realise that i deserve better. What these H's have done to us is unforgivable.

I know just how much you want to tell him how much you're hurting and what he's done to you (believe me I want to tell my H every day just how much hurt he's put me through) but i'm trying to focus my energy on ME now. You have made the most fantastic start in doing that with yourself by booking the holiday.

When you feel like you want to write to him and tell him what a <insert worst word you know> he is, try going on the internet first and looking up things to do in Thailand.

Here is a link for you :)
http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=fun+things+to+do+in+thailand&meta=&aq=0&oq=fun+things+to+do+in+tha

When you've finished looking at all the amazing things that you're going to experience, you might not want to write to him anymore, because your head will be full of sun, beautiful beaches, cheap cocktails... however, if you do still want to write, then do so, but I bet your mind will be less full of hurt.

Luce, remember that you are doing AMAZING. You have started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's dim, but just keep focussing on it, and every day it will get brighter and brighter.

So anyway. What ARE you going to drink on the plane??!!
LOADS of love and hugs to an amazing woman - keep finding strength and don't let this beat you xxxxxxxxxxxx

luce

3rd February 2010, 07:44 PM

luce, I feel your sadness, really I do, but it is doing you no good at all. Your H is lying about never having loved you, end off. He is merely praying on the insecurities that you have challenged him about in the past.
He is a weak character trying to be strong to protect his own insecurities.
You, on the other hand, are a strong character being made to feel weak by your partners disgraceful behaviour and hurtful words.
This trend will turn around full circle you watch. Why? you may ask, because you are the one on a quest for knowledge and answers and as a direct result will come out of this a enlightened, wiser and more complete human being whilst your H, will not.

Hang tough luce, you have the power.

GTW you are so wise and clever! You are a 100% right about him preying on my insecurities. Wow, i have not seen it but yes it makes perfect sense. When my son was going through his most horrible teenage years he used to do this. If we were having a show down he would home straight in on things i was already vulnerable/insecure about. Because he lived with me he knew my weaknesses. But he was just a child and here we have a grown man lashing out like a child.

And yes, it makes sense about him being a weak character while i am a strong character being made to feel weak by his actions and words. I have always been the stronger of the two of us. Anything we have ever done and acheived has been down to me. Gosh, yes you are so right. It is like i was lost in the woods and you have just shown me the way out.

I must be careful that all this gratitude doesnt go to your head. :p:D

luce

3rd February 2010, 07:52 PM

Luce - WELL DONE YOU for getting that off your chest. Such an articulate few paragrahs. I don't think i could post any of my journal on here because it's too full of swear words.

haha, i edited them out. :D

I agree with GTW, your H is a liar. He could NEVER have stayed for so long or even married you in the first place if he didn't feel love for you. He is obviously suffering from an enormous amount of guilt for what he has done to you (and rightly so) but is looking for a way to offload some of this guilt, so is trying to "free" himself from it.

I really think that by saying he never loved you is justifying in his own mind that it was ok to have an affair. It obviously frees him from thinking he did anything wrong, if he justifies it by saying he didn't love you in the first place. What a pile of dog poo. .

Yes, i think that there is an element of him having to lie to himself here to make it ok. And while i had doubts over the years i didnt have any on our wedding day. I think i would have had them if it had been wrong.

Don't waste your precious energy on this imbecile any longer. From reading your posts I can tell that you are an incredibly warm, loving, fun, amazing person. You deserve better and you know it. That's the stage i'm at now - i miss my H so much, and every day I hate that this is happening to me, but 4 weeks on i realise that i deserve better. What these H's have done to us is unforgivable. .

It is unforgivable Seven and in my stronger moments i know that. But i seem to lose sight of it often. So good to be reminded.

I know just how much you want to tell him how much you're hurting and what he's done to you (believe me I want to tell my H every day just how much hurt he's put me through) but i'm trying to focus my energy on ME now. You have made the most fantastic start in doing that with yourself by booking the holiday.

When you feel like you want to write to him and tell him what a <insert worst word you know> he is, try going on the internet first and looking up things to do in Thailand.

Here is a link for you :)
http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=fun+things+to+do+in+thailand&meta=&aq=0&oq=fun+things+to+do+in+tha

When you've finished looking at all the amazing things that you're going to experience, you might not want to write to him anymore, because your head will be full of sun, beautiful beaches, cheap cocktails... however, if you do still want to write, then do so, but I bet your mind will be less full of hurt..

Fantastic plan. I will try it and thanks for the link. I bought The Lonely Planet guide today too. :D

.

So anyway. What ARE you going to drink on the plane??!!
LOADS of love and hugs to an amazing woman - keep finding strength and don't let this beat you xxxxxxxxxxxx

haha, i think the situation warrants Vodka. :D

Thank-you for being such a warm, special person - you manage to life my spirits in most amazing way. Love Luce. :)

seven

3rd February 2010, 07:59 PM

haha, i think the situation warrants Vodka. :D

Thank-you for being such a warm, special person - you manage to life my spirits in most amazing way. Love Luce. :)Vodka! Sounds GREAT.

And ditto - you have always lifted my spirits when you've offered me great advice, or even just commented on how strong i'm being.

Don't beat yourself up about the weak moments, just "tolerate" them. They will become less frequent. Mine certainly are.

We're not out of the woods yet Luce, but i've got a big fat chainsaw and i'm chopping down the trees for us :D
xxxxxxx

Wedgewood

3rd February 2010, 08:42 PM

We're not out of the woods yet Luce, but i've got a big fat chainsaw and i'm chopping down the trees for us :D
xxxxxxx

Go girl! :D:D:D:D

luce

3rd February 2010, 10:33 PM

We're not out of the woods yet Luce, but i've got a big fat chainsaw and i'm chopping down the trees for us :D
xxxxxxx

I love it! :D

GTW

3rd February 2010, 11:57 PM

I must be careful that all this gratitude doesnt go to your head. :p:D

luce, there is no need for gratitude, you amongst others on here have given me such insight and hope, not only with your advice and suggestions but telling of your own predicaments and situations.

Besides, I like to keep gratitude in an air tight container of some kind, my head is to full of sawdust ;)

luce

7th February 2010, 08:30 AM

Still struggling somewhat here. I have a chest infection and still not sleeping more than 2 hrs a night. I got some Nytol stuff but doesnt help. Dont want anything stronger as i think one day the pattern will just break.

I am still sobbing a lot and some of my friends are starting to suggest that i should see the Dr to talk about anti-depressents. This is something i am determined not to do, not yet at least. It is only just over 4 weeks so i will ride it out longer. If i am still this way in 8-12 weeks then maybe but 4 weeks isnt really that long. It is only 7 days until i go to Thailand anyway and it maybe that the sun and new stuff will be better than any anti-depressent. Although at the moment i am painfully aware that i will be taking me with me.

Yesterday was a funny day. When i bumped into my husband in town a few weeks ago he mentioned that he would need to make arrangements to collect his belongings. I told him that I needed not to see him right now and would let him know when it was ok. I came to realise that it was never going to be okay for him to come to my home. So i boxed up all his belongings and took them to his dads yesterday (with exception of 15 Smiths/Morrisey cds which i took outside in the street and jumped on. Some of my nieghbours heard the rumpus and came out and joined in :D )

Then later in the day i noticed that he had been into facebook and removed 'married to xxxx xxxx' from his profile information. He had also removed photos of her and him together (about time - how very thoughtless and cruel leaving them there under the circumstances anyway). Photos of us had also all been removed. When i saw he had removed the married information i ended up facedown on my kitchen floor sobbing. It really, really hurt.

Eventually i rang my friend who pointed out that he hadnt used his facebook account for a month and that it had clearly connected with my having gone to his dads. He would have had the call from his dad telling him to collect his stuff and was probably angry. Angry that i had moved his stuff without consulting him, angry that i had put him out of the home even though it was what he had chosen, and above all angry that i had been speaking to his dad.

Now he is in a situation of having to face his father if he wants his stuff. I know that he wont want to face his dad - his dad is a man of big moral fibre. He hasnt contacted any of his family since this happened and now he is forced to see his dad knowing he cant hide behind lies because his father and i have spoken. My friend reckons that he will be raging and have no way of telling me this but will know me well enough to know that i will look at his facebook page and see the marriage status removed. She says that it is his only way of lashing back at me for today. It suddenly made perfect sense and didnt hurt so much anymore.

So i took a second big step for me and removed him from my facebook friends list along with all his friends that are in the town where he has gone to live. So now i cant keep torturing myself or trying to follow his life through theirs (they had all been pretty careful not to give anything away but i was aware that given a month or two they wouldnt think about it anymore and i was hanging onto them obsessively as my last links to him). So today i have done 2 major things - i have removed his stuff from the house and i have removed all facebook connections.

I woke up in the early hours in a cold sweat having dreamed that the other women was 3 months pregnant and that he had know of her pregnancy for 2 months while living with me. It seemed so real that i have not been able to get back to sleep because i decided it was not a dream but gut intuition.

I guess because she is 35yrs old without children i have been kind of aware that her bodyclock is probably ticking over and it is a real likelihood. That would devastate me and be hard for my son. But at same time i know that as a 45yr old in midlife crisis he is going to make a lousy partner and father if it happens so she is not going to be the winner there.

But i guess i am getting really ahead of myself here, lol.

GTW

7th February 2010, 10:15 AM

Morning luce, sorry to hear that things have momentarily relapsed.
4 weeks is indeed early days and I know what you are saying about the reluctance to take medication but if that is the only answer then there is no shame in going down that road but I totally can relate to your outlook on the situation, I feel exactly the same.
You are fortunate that you were able to box up all of your H's stuff, I am having trouble doing the same but not with her personal stuff, that is already nearly all gone, but the shared goods, stuff we both jointly own and use from day to day.
I know you can not control your dreams but you must try not to think about your X or his situation, over analysing is one of the biggest stumbling blocks affecting recovery in my opinion. Whatever you imagine their situation to be is likely to be wrong in any case so why waste the energy?
Anyway, with your holiday just around the corner you will be not only be in a different place physically but mentally also: my thoughts are with you luce, stay strong.

georgie

7th February 2010, 11:52 AM

Oh Luce your story is so similar to mine in so many ways. Your husband sounds like a cowardly narcisist just like mine. They want to perpetuate a certain image about themselves, as 'Mr Nice Guys' etc., but when you dare expose them for what they actually are you suddenlly encounter the more vindictive side of their personalities.
My X has cheated on me, taken my redundancy payment, fought me tooth and nail about having to pay minimum child support, terrorised me to try an force me to agree to his settlement terms to the point where I had to threaten an intervention order to stop him from coming around, and the amazing thing is that in his mind he is a victim and I'm this horrible unreasonable person that is stopping him from moving on without going backwards financially.
They all justify their actions in the same way, but once we get past the despair phase were we seem happier to blame ourselves then admit that they are just louses, we realise that there is no justification for their behaviour, its simply wrong. They lied, cheated on and betrayed people that trusted them absolutely - thats NOT RIGHT!.
You will feel better, little by little I promise you. Dont feel you have to do it the hard way, there are no extra points awarded for this! If you're not sleeping, and you're feeling anxious and stressed dont feel that getting help from your GP is a sign of weakness, its simply a sign that you are adding a few more weapons to your armoury in the fight for recovery. xxxxxxxxxxxx
Enjoy that holiday Luce, you deserve it. Pity your not coming a hop skip and a jump further to Melbourne, i'm looking for playmates to go out with !
Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxx

seven

7th February 2010, 11:55 AM

Blummin heck Luce, you say you're still struggling somewhat, but from what i've just read, I think you've turned a massive corner, and i'm sat here with a big grin on my face for you. The CDs... I actually just laughed out loud as that is SO the type of thing I would do. Oh isn't it sometimes the little things that give us such sweet satisfaction :):)

Anyway, 3 things:

1 - putting his things into a box and dropping them off at his dads is fantastic. YOU took control of the situation. You have stopped waiting for HIM to call the shots and dictate what's happening in your life. To sit down and go through his stuff and have the strength to pack them all, then physically take them to his dads - well i'm in awe. I've been worrying about my H coming to the house to collect his things, i've not had the strength to pack all of his things up, but after reading what you've done, i'm going to do the same!! What an incredible step in taking control of your recovery. Well done.

2 - removing him and his freinds from facebook. Yet again i'm in awe. I understand just how much we rely on silly things like facebook to hang on to aspects of our lives. I was absolutely gutted when my H stopped me from having access to his facebook page. He didn't remove me as a friend, or as married, but I realised that I was looking at his page over and over again to look for clues to see if i could work out what was going on. A few days later he removed himself from facebook altogether - the only way I realised was because my relationship status went from "7 is married to...." to "7 is married". The shock which went through my entire body was awful. The link to him, his life, his thoughts etc had been ripped from me.

After a few days I just got used to it, and actually not having him as a friend on facebook is actually now quite nice. I don't worry about him looking at my profile anymore etc, but more importantly i'm not torturing myself by constantly looking on his profile for photos, status updates, posts from his friends etc.

Again i am inspired by you. I just wish I had been more like you and been the instigator in removing my H from facebook, rather than waiting for it to be done to me. You have yet again taken complete control away from your H. He will have known that you will have checked facebook over and over again - and I totally agree with your friend that your H changed his relationship status to twist the knife because of his belongings... The fact that YOU have now cut HIS contact from your profile etc is an amazing step in putting yourself first.

Believe me Luce, after a few days you'll love having facebook back to yourself! There will be no worries about what you write as neither him or his friends will be able to see it, so it will be lovely to have it back to yourself :)

3 - the dream... Since my split (4 and a half weeks and counting...) I have been dreaming so vividly. My subconcious seems to be in overdrive because i'm torturing myself with dreams about my H and another woman. The dreams have been so real that i've woken up in a cold sweat wondering if it was a dream or reality. So I feel your pain. Just remember that it is JUST a dream. I know it then goes on to provoke thoughts about the what if's, but when i've been getting those thoughts, i've just "parked" them because otherwise i'm torturing myself about things which haven't even happened yet (or if they have at least I don't know about them!).

Whatever happens between your H and 'it' (i can't think of a polite term to use) you will deal with. Don't waste precious time and energy worrying about how you will deal with possibly eventualities when you don't even know if they're going to happen or not.

Don't beat yourself up about the tears Luce. I'm at exactly the same stage as you time wise - even though 4 and a half weeks seems like a long time, it isn't. I'm still crying too, and even though I want it to stop now, i know it will eventually. It will get less and less each day.

I can't believe it's only a week until you go to Thailand. I can't wait to read your posts when you get back, i think it will be like a different Luce :) I really do think that being in a totally foreign environment will take your mind off your H and all the horribleness you've experienced over the last month. I'm not saying it will completely take your mind off it, but you couldn't be further from it - there will be NO memories of him there. Just you and your son having the ultimate adventure. Just embrace it Luce. Don't beat yourself up if you have the odd wobbly moment, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. For each wobbly moment, make sure you do something to counter act it - have a dip in the sea, or (another) cocktail :)

Luce you have come such a long way and are visibly getting stronger each day. I'm very proud of you and very inspired. I just hope I can take more control of my life like you are with yours.

Love, hugs and broken stamped on CDs :) xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hopefull1983

7th February 2010, 12:20 PM

Seven, can I just say you admiring Luce so much and aspring to do all of these things too is a sign of strength on your part. We're all proud of you too, you've come a long way. Be srong. x

luce

7th February 2010, 12:54 PM

Wow, i am reading responses on this thread and now i think i am a superstar and doing terrific. Thank-you all and Seven you are a diamond. Yesterday i did take some real letting go steps without really realising it until i read your words. :D:D

I wish i was taking you ALL to Thailand with me. Georgie, you never know now i am a world wide traveller i may end up in Melbourne before too long. :)

seven

7th February 2010, 01:20 PM

Thanks Hopefull, that's a really kind thing to say. I'm going to continue trying to be strong, and if I doubt that, i'm going to read my thread from the beginning. Then i'll know i've come a long way :)

Luce - you've done some MASSIVE letting go steps, and i'm so glad you're starting to realise that. Keep up the amazing work.

I've been looking up Thailand on the internet and i'm so jealous! Yesterday I was shoe shopping and saw some beautiful sandles. My first thought was "ooh I bet Luce would look lovely in them on the beach in Thailand" hahaha I forget that we've only known eachother a short few weeks, and only then through cyperspace. Just thought i'd share that with you and let you know that you are in my thoughts.

Now go and make sure you've got a nice pair of sandles for the beach!!!
xxx

luce

9th February 2010, 01:24 PM

Last couple of days i have really been doing better. I dont cry so much and am finally looking forward to my trip. I am definitely more comfortable in my own skin and space. I have caught myself spontaneously dancing while cooking yesterday. And Seven i am liking having my facebook back.

But last night a mutual acquaintance said that she has run into my husband a few times recently and he isnt doing too well. She said that he looks a mess, appears to be drinking heavily and smells of alcohol. She said that he said that he isnt ok although he didnt elaborate on that apparently. She also said that he is in danger of losing his job (she is kind of vaguely involved with organisation he works for).

On hearing this my head went into complete denial about what is happening here. I was like 'oh, so it isnt over after all then'.
- But that is such rubbish. It is over if i say it is over and anyway he hasnt contacted to say that anything is different. The whole thing about him not doing well could just be a rumour as it seems that other people have lost trust in him too. I guess when a person betrays their spouse it makes a lot of people suspicious of them - makes them think that they are not the person they thought they were. Also it may be just that he looks rough cos he is trying to keep up with a younger woman lol. Or potentially she has thrown him out and he is crying/drinking over her and still doesnt give a damn about us. There is nothing to indicate that he regrets his decision to leave - he hasnt contacted to say that.

The last time i saw him was 3 weeks ago when he was very, very cold and still saying that he had never loved me/never wanted to get married. The message i have had all through this loud and clear is it is over, it is definitely over and thats what i was dealing with. It is really not very helpful to me to hear stuff from random people, not really know what that is about and go into a little fantasy world where we work it all out with marriage counselling. I have been to hell and back the last month and now i am getting better - why would i even consider going backwards! I have lost capacity for rational thought just over some stupid 5 min conversation with some woman i barely know. Get a grip!

By the time i get back from Thailand it will be 7 weeks since this happened and i hope i will come back with a real resolve. I want to be able to say that i will never, ever allow him back into my life even if he comes crawling and 100% mean it ,100% of the time.

But despite this little glitch i am doing so much better and you all have been such a large part in that. :)

JWD

9th February 2010, 01:37 PM

You're doing fab Luce.

People used to tell me things all the time about my ex. They thought by saying things like he was a mess that I would feel better but every time someone mentioned him my heart would lurch because I was afraid they were going to tell me something about seeing him with other woman. I still have problems with people asking about him. I've told so many people not to tell me if they see him but people are cruel and love a bit of drama so I am prepared for the time someone does tell me.

I can;t believe you are going to Thailand. So much guts good for you. My cousin is not long back and said it was fantastic.

luce

9th February 2010, 01:42 PM

They thought by saying things like he was a mess that I would feel better

Actually that makes perfect sense JWD. What i know about my husband is that he is a very reserved and private man. So even if he was a mess on the inside he would be most unlikely to show that to random acquaintences on the outside. So with that in view it would seem quite plausible that it was just said to make me feel better.

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words also. :)

crush

10th February 2010, 10:51 AM

Hi Luce sorry things have not been good for you lately, this you must expect the ups and downs of emotions. It is good to write down your feelings it gets them out in the open but agree keep this to yourself it only gives him ammunition to fire at you later which you don't need. Glad you packed all his stuff up too, I did this but was further down the line probably about 4 months in just did not want it hanging around the house anymore. He was gobsmacked to say the least I had it all in bin bags waiting for him when he called to see the kids one day..... it made me feel good for a few minutes anyway lol.

Don't crucify yourself about ow getting pregnant it may never happen but like you say he is definately in no frame of mind to be a good father at this stage he needs to sort his life out and if she is stupid enough to allow it to happen I guarantee she will be posting on here soon herself.

Enjoy that holiday let your hair down forget about life for a while and concentrate on yourself you deserve it. Take care x

luce

10th February 2010, 11:24 AM

Thanks Crush. I am very proud of packing up his stuff. It felt very good to take charge. I no longer have to wait on that call that says 'i want to arrange to get my things'. Thankfully, i dont have to deal with him coming to see kids.

My boy is older so they can make their own arrangements independently of me. They have met once but my lad seems to be not very interested right now and has made excuses to his dad not to meet since. I guess he is angry/hurt too and doesnt much want to deal with him either (i have not interfered with this either way - he is old enough to make his own choices).

I am still very up and down. I still find it hard to think about anything else other than what happened. It is my waking thought. But overall I am much better than i was. I still cry a lot but in the last few days not so much as it was. I have also stopped waking up in a cold sweat for last 2 nights and have managed a good 5hrs sleep for 2 nights in a row. For last month i have only slept 1-2 hours a night so this is real breakthrough. I feel much saner for it!

I read these words that you wrote in someone elses thread too;
'You will also find that he will change so much so that you will hardly recognise him.'

That seems to be the hardest thing to get ones head around in all of this. I guess that it is probably something that we might never get our head around but just have to come to some acceptance of in time.

But overall much better here thanks Crush. Only 4 days until i am on a jet plane. :)

GTW

13th February 2010, 12:34 PM

Hello luce,
I know this is not a private messaging service but I don't know how else to talk to you.
Just wanted to say I really hope that your son and you have the most superb time possible in Thailand and I am sure I speak for us all here on that score.
You are a very special and sensitive human being.
Stay strong and be happy X

luce

13th February 2010, 04:24 PM

Thanks very much Wayne. Your thoughts and well wishes are appreciated. Will speak to you very soon. love Luce. x

mangonpineapple

14th February 2010, 08:30 AM

Just popping in to wish you a nice today wherever you are. Enjoy and celebrate being alive! Happy Velentine's x

luce

1st March 2010, 07:28 AM

Back from Thailand. To start with it was very hard and i was in bits 6000 miles from home. Then it got better and i ended up having lots of good times. Met lots of new people and had a blast with my son. Still couldnt shake this whole thing from my head but it did shift somewhat.

I can now say 'i will never allow him back into my life' and mean it. I am beginning to see that maybe i wrote a fairytale script around my husband that was simply wrong. That maybe he was never the Georgette Heyer novel i wrote in my head. I am beginning to see that maybe, just maybe this is a good thing and i am freed.

But the way it came about is not a good thing. It still really baffles me that any of this happened in the way it did. I simply cant understand how someone can do such a terrible thing as lie, cheat and betray for extended period and not even say sorry for being such a ****. It baffles me that someone can walk away from 16yrs of living together and say nothing but horrible stuff and thats it - no more contact, nothing. I am just completely baffled by it all.

I am rather disappointed that i get back into the UK and it is still right there in my head. Dont know why i expected different though as it was right there in my head when i was away too. But i did i expect different. I think that some of my friends are having expectation that i am over it now too. Partly i tend to give my friends that impression and maybe that is a good thing. Have to fake it to make it and all that. I dunno. But i think partly that those that havent been there simply dont understand what this is like and that it is going to be rather a long haul. They are just relieved i have stopped wailing, haha.

But overall i am much improved and i feel the trip did me good. I dont cry so much anymore and i feel ready to move on with my life.

GTW

1st March 2010, 09:20 AM

LUCE :D, great to see you back girl, going away was a necessary step even though it may not feel like it right now. As you know things have taken a turn in my life (whilst you have been away funnily enough) and I did have a period where I had to do some heavy soul searching (it wasn't my soul that was heavy but the searching;)) and found myself processing hypothetical scenarios like 'if my X was to intimate that she would like to attempt a reconciliation, what would I say' and many more such similar. I can now honestly say that I really do feel indifferent towards her, I have no feelings other than appreciation for the time we spent together, respect for who she is and thanks for the good times we had and our two beautiful daughters. I actually owe her a debt of gratitude as I feel her actions have set both of us free.
I know your situation and background are a little different luce but the pattern of the dumpee's behaviour seems similar from case to case.
I hasten to add that I came to this conclusion before meeting my new interest, in fact , it was this conclusion that enabled me to move forward. I have to say that my current situation has indeed inspired and encouraged me and had things not turned out quite so rosey I may feel a little differently but as you have read in my post, many have spelled it out and once you can get on top of things you will see it too luce: YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE, LIVE IT! xxx

luce

1st March 2010, 05:53 PM

It made me smile to see the changes in your life since i have been away GTW.

You are perfectly correct that the dumpee's behaviour does seem to show a remarkable consistancy from case to case. I have read a hundred articles on it and know that it is very typical behaviour but still struggle with it. This was one of the articles i read that put it into words quite nicely;
http://heshistory.com/2009/11/infidelity-as-aggression/

I feel that i am making good progress in living my life it is just that i am just dragging this stuff around as i go. I have just got back from Thailand, off to a gig with a girlfriend in 10 days, then in April i am going to stay with a friend in London for a few days then to an overnight party in Southampton. Hopefully if i keep doing the right things then the 'in the head' stuff will gradually get less over time and one day i will notice i havent thought of it for a whole day and i will celebrate with vodka. :D

luce

5th March 2010, 02:44 PM

Oh gawd, the crying has started again. Today and yesterday i am just sitting sobbing. I just want this to end and for me to be able to stop it going around in my head. Round and round and round. Today i realised that despite everything that has happened and despite all my big words i still love him and it still hurts like hell. I always loved him. I have been so angry since this happened that i had lost touch with that one. Oh christ i cant stand it. Infidelity is a terrible, terrible thing to do to another person. I feel like i am drowning.

I keep doing all the right things but it isnt getting better. I went 6000 miles from home to try and make it better! I go to the gym most days, i speak to people, am going for counselling, i walk my dog, i put dates in my diary to visit friends. But despite this i cry and cry. It doesnt help that i am self-employed working from home so i have all day to rattle.

A friend of mine pointed out today that i am like this and he wont even be thinking about me. That he is in his new life, living with someone else and it was his choice. That i am the one left behind in our home with everything the same apart from him gone. That was such a shock to me but i realise that she is most likely right. He had already left emotionally a long time before he left physically anyway. I am not sure what this means right now but her saying it had a big impact on me. It hurts like hell but i think maybe the implication is that i need to find a way to move on to. But honestly i dont know what else to do - i am already doing so much positive stuff but still i feel like i am breaking.

I really have had enough of this.

Helen_uk

5th March 2010, 03:26 PM

Working from the home you shared and so being there almost 24/7 must be making things a lot harder for you . Is there any way you could think about moving ? I know it's a huge step and may not be financially viable but it would go a long way to enabling you to move on.

People say time heals - and in a way that's true - but it's making * new * memories that helps most and moves things along. That can be meeting new friends/ new dates/ visiting new places you never went to as a couple etc. Anything that doesn't hold memories of your old life together will help. Gradually the new memories repalce the old.. or at least lessen the pain. Being surrounded by the memories of your * old * life is bound to slow that down. If you can't move , could you redecorate ? Buy a few new things for your place, things you've always liked that you maybe know he wouldn't ?

Your friend is right, when someone knows they are going to leave they have time to prepare emotionally and distance themselves. Those of us left behind don't have that luxury and that hurts like hell. You don't just stop loving someone because they fall out of love with you. If only it were that easy !

Really though Luce it is still raw and fressh for you, it's not been much time at all to even start to recover properly. Be kind to yourself , you're doing ok and you'll continue to do ok til one day you realise you're doing fine...

If you find things going round in your head til you could scream try a few tricks my psych taught me . Force yourself to repeat a limerick or anything really... I use the alphabet ... out loud or tap the inside of your wrist , try to concentrate on just that for a few minutes until it breaks the thought pattern. You feel a bit daft doing it but it does work. Then get up and walk around, make a coffee , whatever it takes until you feel calmer.

Write down everything you wish you could say to him if he were standing in front of you and then burn it , it's quite therapeutic .

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Big virtual hugs.

Helen

crush

7th March 2010, 06:54 PM

Hi Luce I can understand how hard all of this is for you, you take one step forward and three back, it happens. I too still live in "our" home as I cannot afford to move but the memories just kill me. It has nearly been 12 months for me in April and I have only just started to try to make changes, I redecorated MY bedroom just to get rid of the reminders but apart from that I really have had no incentive to do anything.

They say time is a great healer but I cannot see it yet, you so however seem really strong in your attitude which is very positive so keep it up. Good days will come and eventually outweigh the bad but everyone is different I suppose in how they deal with things.

I guess you have friends you can see on a regular basis and this is always a pick me up. Stay strong you will get there. x

sean1234

7th March 2010, 10:19 PM

Hi luce I really feel for you I do.read my thread babe and youl see how up and down I am. I really do know how you feel. I still don't think I have the truth from my wife and that is killing me. Then if the truth is what I think it is will I be any better. At the start no doubt I will, as the anger kicks in then after that I'm sure that dark cloud will come rolling in again . That's how it is eh. One day you feel human , even manage a real smile. The next you can't imagine life without your so called soul mate. It's terrible . Believe me I know .you seem to be ahead of mecas your doing so many right things. I want to join the gym but I just have no energy left after work and can't be bothered. I must do it I know. I don't know about you but Im terrified of dating. I mean, what do we talk about. It's going to be so hard blocking out all those years with our exes. I used to talk about her all the time. I used to be so happy go lucky. Before we met so many years ago I was such a jack the lad and was confident. Now I can feel this shield around me and I am so scared. So luce you really are not alone. You ever need anyone to talk too just let me know as I don't know about you but I get very lonely. People who havnt experienced this much pain just don't understand what a dark place it puts you in, but we will come through it , we have no choice.like you I think part of us will always live our exes it's just the way were built. Let me know if you want a chat and well sort something out. You take care of yourself and chin up. Seanx

luce

9th March 2010, 11:50 AM

Helen, Crush and Sean - thank-you all so much for your understanding and kindness. Many of my friends seem to think i should be over it by now and are starting to say things to me 'like i thought you were stronger than this' when they know i am weeping again. My neighbours see me still crying and they say the same. I swing from thinking i am terrifically strong because despite being in so much pain i am still standing and i am still working to carve a life, to thinking that i am pathetic to still be crying and obsessing about this 2 months on.

It doesnt help anything that both him and her seem to have decided a couple of weeks ago that it is all back to normal again now and they can come out of hiding. They have both started using their facebook pages again and even though i have removed them both from my page and set my privacy i still tend to see what is going on through mutual friends pages. Also other people dont seem to be able to help themselves but tell me what it says on his facebook wall. I can even tell you what their plans are for this Saturday night for chrissakes! The only reason he ever opened a facebook account was to keep in touch with her when he changed jobs, they carried their affair on right in front of me on facebook and i didnt realise what I was looking at. Now they are still posting on facebook despite living together. It seems to me to be so cruel. It is like having them living in the same street. They clearly dont seem to think it is an issue. They are both moved on and living their lives while i am still curled up on the kitchen floor hyperventillating and unable to move past the hurt and anger wrought by the lies.

I hate him so much. I have been so dignified throughout but i really feel i am being pushed to the limit by it being in my face like this and want to hurt them back. The worst thing is they probably dont even see they are doing anything wrong. Two months on and it is history to him. They have probably been talking and justifying their behaviour to each other too and making it all ok for themselves. If they are all moved on they probably think i am too.

He also really hurt my son recently (he is effectively dad as he has been their since my lad was a baby). He told the lad that he would buy his provisional licence for his birthday. I told my son to leave it with me and i would do it but he kept saying 'no, dads doing it for my birthday'. So he gave the form with his photograph already filled in to my scumbag adulterous husband who said he would write a cheque and send it off. No licence appeared so my son rings him and he says that he sent it but it takes time. So we gave it some more time and i rang the DVLA and they have never had it. The scumbag is lying again. I texted him to ask him to send form and photograph back to me so i could sort it - i was hoping never to let my son know he had been let down but he ignored me. I have had to tell my son as we have to get more photographs down, form signed etc and he is crying and shouting at me. He is so hurt that he is taking it out on me. I tried to minimise the damage for him by saying perhaps dad did send it and it got lost in post - but at 17yrs old he knows different really even if he doesnt want to believe it.

Sorry for the long post. Also what happened to private messaging on this forum? I cant find my pm box.

Helen_uk

9th March 2010, 01:47 PM

Aww luce, what an absolute A1 bast**d .

Ok firstly, if you click on your name it should take you to your message box, but don't forget it's not private messaging as such, anyone who clicks on your name can read it.

The facebook thing is awful . When my ex and I split he took it upon himself to * talk * to me one day about his relationship with the ow ( I say woman, I mean girl really, she was 18 )... He even went into their sex life.. I don't know why but I couldn't stop him, felt frozen to the spot and sick to my stomach..I think that was probably the lowest point I reached, so I can fully empathise with you having to hear details of their life. It's just horrible.

I'm not going to tell you to be strong, but I think you have been incredibly strong so far to put up with this much crap and stay sane.

As to what he's done to your son , that's unforgiveable. My ex husband wasn't the natural father of either of my 2 lads but he'd brought them up and he was the only dad they knew. When we split he made a big song and dance about how much he missed them and how unfair that he wouldn't see them as much... 6 months later he was living with someone else and her kids and my 2 rarely saw or heard from him after that . It's like they just emotionally detach.. I could NEVER do that to my kids regardless of circumstances and I just can't understand how some people seem to be able to walk away so easily. I don't know what to say really, except allow your son to know the truth and to be able to express his feelings , I'm sure you do that anyway. I know it cuts like a knife when they treat the kids that way, bad enough they can do it to you .

It's only been 2 months luce , you were together a long time...it's nowhere near enough time to " get over it "... I can't understand why people think you're going to cry for a few days and then move on, you're grieving . It took me 2 years to be back to anything like normal and I still have the occasional wobbly day now 3 years later. Don't beat yourself up.

We all go through each stage and we all move on at different rates, but while we still have them in our lives - for whatever reason, children together, finances - it makes it so much more difficult. How much simpler would it be if we had a delete and erase button ? But we don't sadly so we carry on as best we can.

Sending a virtual hug and thinking about you.

Helen xx

crush

9th March 2010, 04:54 PM

sean1234

9th March 2010, 04:57 PM

luce

10th March 2010, 12:18 PM

Aww luce, what an absolute A1 bast**d .

What a wonderfully appropriate response Helen. Thank-you! :)

Ok firstly, if you click on your name it should take you to your message box, but don't forget it's not private messaging as such, anyone who clicks on your name can read it.

The facebook thing is awful . When my ex and I split he took it upon himself to * talk * to me one day about his relationship with the ow ( I say woman, I mean girl really, she was 18 )... He even went into their sex life.. I don't know why but I couldn't stop him, felt frozen to the spot and sick to my stomach..I think that was probably the lowest point I reached, so I can fully empathise with you having to hear details of their life. It's just horrible.

I'm not going to tell you to be strong, but I think you have been incredibly strong so far to put up with this much crap and stay sane.

As to what he's done to your son , that's unforgiveable. My ex husband wasn't the natural father of either of my 2 lads but he'd brought them up and he was the only dad they knew. When we split he made a big song and dance about how much he missed them and how unfair that he wouldn't see them as much... 6 months later he was living with someone else and her kids and my 2 rarely saw or heard from him after that . It's like they just emotionally detach.. I could NEVER do that to my kids regardless of circumstances and I just can't understand how some people seem to be able to walk away so easily. I don't know what to say really, except allow your son to know the truth and to be able to express his feelings , I'm sure you do that anyway. I know it cuts like a knife when they treat the kids that way, bad enough they can do it to you .

It's only been 2 months luce , you were together a long time...it's nowhere near enough time to " get over it "... I can't understand why people think you're going to cry for a few days and then move on, you're grieving . It took me 2 years to be back to anything like normal and I still have the occasional wobbly day now 3 years later. Don't beat yourself up.

We all go through each stage and we all move on at different rates, but while we still have them in our lives - for whatever reason, children together, finances - it makes it so much more difficult. How much simpler would it be if we had a delete and erase button ? But we don't sadly so we carry on as best we can.

Sending a virtual hug and thinking about you.

Helen xx

Arrghh, they really are pigs arent they Helen. I would just die if my husband started talking to me about his new relationship. That is so shocking that happened to you.

As for the kids i find it really hard to understand how someone just doesnt step up and do the right thing. I have always put my feelings on hold to be a grown up and do the right thing in situations. Seems that they dont have the capacity to do this. They are like self-obsessed children.

As it is my husband doesnt talk to me at all. From what you have been through it sounds like i might be better off that way! I have tried to ring him regarding my sons driving license and he doesnt pick up the phone. As you know he also ignored my text.

He has one of these blasted i-phones (got it as it was safer to conduct the affair on the i-phone than the laptop i reckon) and he is joined at hip with it so i know he is just ignoring me. Didnt answer my text either. It is weird it is like he has done this terrible thing to me and then turns it on his head and ignores me like i did something wrong.

luce

10th March 2010, 12:35 PM

Oh Luce don't think you should be over all the heartache already it has only been 2 months, as I said it has nearly been a year for me and I know I am nowhere near there yet. My parents keep asking me "WHY" I feel this way and why I cannot just get on with life but we both know it isn't that easy. Everyone deals with this at their own speed but you have to give it time I can only say the good days will outweight the bad.

I also understand about being dignified I was too, completely, I could have done lots but didn't now am glad I acted that way you can look at yourself and see your self worth why bring yourself down to their levels. And yes I had it all thrown in my face too, many times I had to witness them together and it was just sickening so he had no respect or thought for my feelings whatsoever, he could have waited till I was out of the way but no always felt it was for my benefit especially on ow part.

It is so sad what we have to endure through times like these, we did not ask to be put into this situation and yet we are the ones left suffering.

Thanks Crush. I look forward to the day when good days outweigh the bad. At moment i cant imagine ever getting through it. I know i am much better than i was - but it is hard to hold onto that when 2 months in i can still find myself hyperventillating on the kitchen floor.

I can only begin to imagine how dreadful for you to have to witness them together. I am not sure i could have survived that. Yet you handled it with dignity - you are amazing and an inspiration.

There are so many times when i think i am so sick of being dignified and want to lash back. Everytime i have to think about that thing of not taking myself down to my levels. Somehow this thing has left me feeling like they are the adults and i am a really less than person, a kind of stupid freak. But the truth is that i am the adult, i would have never done what either of them did and i am the better person. I need to stay with that and make sure my behaviour reflects it for my own well-being.

luce

10th March 2010, 12:43 PM

I know what your going through with your son. Mine. Is 17 this year andhe shouts at me alot. He has cut his mum off point blank and whenever I try and talk about her he shouts at me. I also know about the facebook thing too. I check her relatives just to see latest photos of her. I'm totrturing myself , I don't know why I do it. I know it will hurt yet I can't help myself. Problem is I still love her very much. The last 3 days have been a real backward turn for me. The reality and no contact at all is slowly killing me. Find myself going over it all driving myself mad with worry. Of course also been crying alot again. I thought I'd come through the worse but it's funny how it all comes crashing down again when you least expect it. Everyone around me are saying the same things, I thought you were stronger, you should be over this, forget about her and move on but no natter how hard I try I can't. I just miss her and my old life and would give anything to have her and it back but I truly don't know if this will happen.so know you really are not alone. It's been 5 months for me now and I'm starting to struggle. People think I'm a tough cookie but they are very wrong. I'm soft as s.. T I'm afraid. Thinking of you and all seanx

Situation with your son sounds just like mine. He doesnt really want to know his dad and it very hurt but wont admit that so he shouts at me instead. He gets really angry if i mention my husband and if i am talking to other people walks off until conversation is over. I probably shouldnt talk in front of him at all but i have just been surviving Sean. So i am not going to beat myself up about that one as it is necessary for my lad that i survive too.

I know the thing on facebook. It really is torture but i cant stop myself doing it either. I know what you mean about loving them. I really loved my husband. I adored him, for years i adored him. Right now though i hate him so much and i am so saddened that all those years loving have accumulated in the most terrible hatred ever.

You are right that it does seem to come crushing down when you are not expecting it. I just start to think that i am getting better when i find myself doubled over in pain again. I imagine that their is a while in the middle there when it is probably harder to live with than ever. That seems to be what you are describing to me. I am not looking forward to reaching that stage.

I am thinking of you too Sean. :)

Helen_uk

10th March 2010, 03:01 PM

Yeah... it wasn't much fun listening to that ! He tried to qualify it by saying he was only telling me so that I could see it wasn't a serious relationship ? ! Hello ? So breaking up our relationship for a fling was supposed to make me feel better ? !

In a strange way though, I was glad I finally had the whole story, what was most painful was it leaking out bit by bit. The lies and deceit almost killed me.

The ignoring your calls/texts part is childish, my ex was master of the mind games. I think they do it simply because they have a problem facing up to the hurt they've caused , if they can stay out of contact they can kid themseves it's ok. Ignoring your son and not even getting his licence as he promised though is so cruel , he may not be his biological father but he is his dad. Disgusting. I think you'd be justified in letting rip on that one ( I'll even hold your coat ! ).

I can tell you it does get better ( it does but you won't feel able to believe it right now ), I can tell you you WILL get through it ( ditto ) but just know for now, you have every right to feel hurt, to cry and he really DOES NOT deserve you or your son. You are worth more.

Helen x

sean1234

10th March 2010, 04:51 PM

Hi aGain. Still feeling a bit rubbish today but back at work soldiering on. Now I must say through this I have had pure hatred for my ex but somehow it fades and I end up feeling guilty for feeling that way. I put this down to the fact that maybe I'm just a better person than she is. It's just the way I am and I can honestly say before this nightmare I didn't hate anyone. My mates would always come to me with problems, my door was always open. Although my hatred for her fades and also comes, I keep telling myself to try and hate her because to be honest it feels alot easier than loving her as I do. Helen is so right about him letting your son down. That is disgusting. I can relate to this when it cones to my exes parents, now I can honestly say I truly hate them and it will be a shame for my boys in the future but I will never be in the same room as them as long as I live. They have behaved totally out of order considering they have been through divorce and have witnessed first hand what it can do to the kids although whilst they were going through it they didn't care about them. At Christmas I can understand them not sending me anything or wishing me happy christmas but they didn't send my so much as a card , nothing. No present at all. The boys are their first 2 grandchildren and because they stayed with me they now blank them. It was my sons birthday 2 weeks ago, my wife sent him a present through the post along with a letter saying how hard up she is and also slagging me off in it. This was his birthday , he didn't need to hear any of that.but her parents again sent him nothing , not even a card. The boy had just turned 14.he is innocent in this and I can and will never forgive them for that. Nor will I ever forget. They are good boys and just wanted to stay with me at home. They didn't want to be uprooted away from me. It was her decision to leave the family home and something she will live with. Now if I was in her shoes and I knew my parents were treating my sons like this I would not have it. They are number 1 .just goes to show what she has become in my eyes. So I really can emphasise with you and yes it is a long long hard road but we are all here for you and I hope you can see you are not alone. Their are people who know what your going through first hand. I hope the ups get better for you , just accept the downs and think to youself am I as down as the beggining.9 times out of 10 I hope your not hugs seanx

luce

11th March 2010, 02:01 AM

Hi everyone,
Mad day today.

I spoke to my husband about my sons provisional licence. He finally answered the phone. He was lying to me again (about licence this time) and i lost the plot. This is only the 2nd time i spoke to him since he left. I ended up calling him scum, telling him that i would never forgive him, calling him a pathetic loser, saying i hated him. I really lost it and after 20 minutes of this he hung up on me. Being hung up on made me lose it even more and i tried to call him back. He ignored the calls to his mobile so got really, really mad and i rang his work. I asked the receptionist to put me through to his extension and she came back and said that he said to tell me that he is unavailable. She asked with a snigger if i wanted to leave a message. So i told her to tell him that if he didnt want me to turn up at the house of his mistress or his work then he best not ignore my calls.

After i did this i was in bits. I have kept my dignity so well through this and not contacted him or let him know how i was feeling (apart from one email in the early days when i spilt out all my feelings upon finding out he was having an affair). I have not threatened or made a fuss until today. I was gutted that i have held it together for 2 months and then completely lost it. My dignity is the only thing i have left to hold onto for chrissakes. I was sobbing like a baby down the phone to my brother and sister in law. Then i was so much in bits i thought i was going to die and not survive this. I am really going crazy with lack of sleep and lack of food.

Then he phoned me back later (only cos of the threats i had made) and we ended up talking for over an hour. It was awful because he really seems to have no understanding of the enormity of what he has done. He seemed to think it would have been exactly the same however we split up. In a way he is sort of right. I always loved him so much it would have never have been easy and i would have always been angry. But then again it would not have been like this. There seemed to be no way of conveying to him what an awful thing infidelity is and how it crushes the person left behind. He just didnt seem to get it at all. He was also very cold.

I told him over and over that he was scum and i hated him. And i told him that i didnt miss him at all and he just seemed relieved at that one - it let him off the hook. Said it was good i didnt miss him, the patronising ****. I also told him that it had been hell here for me and that i had lost over 2 1/2 stone in two months, still wasnt sleeping and was still ending up on kitchen floor hyperventillating. I explained that this was not because i love him cos i dont, i hate him, but it was because i was in so much shock that anyone could end 16yrs in this terrible, terrible way and because i have so much anger and hatred i dont know what to do with it. As conversation went on he still didnt seem to understand any better but he did seem to start defrosting.

I asked how he could have given me no sign that anything was wrong right up until the day he left and how he could have an affair while pretending everything was as ever. He said that he thought he did let me know that something was up, that he had been distant and thought that would have told me! What am i supposed to be f***ing pyschic! I was aware that he was distant but just thought he was over-tired with work and a little depressed. I had no bloody clue it was anything to do with me and him (or rather him and someone else).

I also told him how difficult it was for me having him on facebook still and asked him to de-activate his account. This was a really hard thing for me and afterwards i wanted to ring him up and tell him to leave it after all as it is a kind of link to him. But i didnt and he has de-activated now. He didnt seem to understand much about privacy settings so i could still see a lot of his stuff - all his friends have really tight privacy though so no more spying on facebook for me. This has to be a good thing in long run for my mental health but right now i am a little shocked that i asked him to do it. It is yet another link cut.

Anyway the worst thing of all this is that i feel f***king better for having talked to him. How can i feel better for talking to the person that has caused me all this damn pain!!! Especially as it is really obvious that he still doesnt understand what he has done and doesnt really have any feeling around any of it. It is as though this is the person that i have been speaking to everyday for 16yrs and i just needed to speak to him to feel ok. How crap is that! He says he is going to ring me again Monday or Tuesday of next week. He also sent me a text message saying it was good to talk to me. I know now that i am going to be gutted and wound up and angry if he doesnt call when he said he will. I also see that he is unlikely to do what he said he would. So i have effectively just handed all the power about how i feel over to him.

I can see that i am slipping into denial. I have gone into fantasy land about how i am going to take my husband back off this stupid girl and i am going to do her head in just as she has done mine in. It is ridiculous! What would i want him back for anyway!!! He never enriched our lives in any way whatsoever and i could tell quite clearly talking to him on the phone that actually he really doesnt love me. I think it is possible that i could get him back from her simply on the grounds of familiarity and shared history. But that is madness. Why would i possibly even consider going to the effort of trying to take him off her when he doesnt love me. Familiarity and shared history is not bloody enough! And what would be the outcome of that? There is only one possible outcome - i get hurt all over again.

Arrgghh. I was better off with no contact. I feel that i will sleep a little better tonight but for all the wrong reasons. He didnt give me anything on the phone tonight that was worth having. He still didnt hold his hands up to what he had done, he still never really said sorry for having an affair and treating me so terribly, he still maintained that he hadnt ever really loved me or wanted to marry me. So altogether this is not someone that i should even consider talking to again. Crap, crap, crap - how can i let him still have this amount of power over me???? How can talking to him again be so bloody important to me???? I am truly pathetic sometimes.

luce

11th March 2010, 02:51 AM

Oh my goodness, what a lot of crap i wrote above. I am not going to sleep better tonight. Talking to him has NOT made me feel better. He has rationalised and justified and doesnt think he has done anything much wrong and in some way i enabled him to do that tonight. I have also ended up feeling needy around him again. Christ. I am generally not doing well and this hasnt helped. I was feeling crap before and i still feel crap.

Think he lied about de-activating his facebook account to. Think he just blocked me and tightened security settings as i can still see his profile when i log in on another id. (slept 2 hours, no wonder i am cracking up - long term lack of sleep)

Helen_uk

11th March 2010, 12:22 PM

Aww luce... is it any wonder you lost it with him after the cavalier way he's treated you and your son? I'm no psychiatrist but I think maybe all that needed to come out . It's easy to say but try not to feel guilty, you were carrying all that pent up inside you and now it's out.

You had a perfect right to feel that way and you NEEDED to say those things to him. Now that you've gotten it out perhaps you need to step away and take some time to recover though . I can well remember how I longed for the ex to contact me and how gutted I was if he didn't when he said he would ( which was often ) , eventually I took the decision not to respond to him ( God that was so hard ) and took back any control he had.

Truth is, he's going to want as easy a life as possible, so he IS going to lie to get that. Seems they can't deal with the fall out so use avoidance tactics. Telling you want you want to hear is common.

Sometimes I look back and physically cringe at some of the things I did , I'm not talking revenge but behaviours -but I look at it this way. My reactions were honest ones and came from the heart . His were acts of pure deception and lies , done with a callous disregard for me. You've had a huge shock , he had time to prepare while you knew nothing about it, he detached emotionally, you didn't even know you were supposed to. He walks away and you are left trying to pick up the pieces. I'm surprised you've not lost it with him before this.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this , I wish there was more I could say or do... I know what a lonely process it is. Have you visited your G P ?

Hugs

Helen

luce

11th March 2010, 03:52 PM

Oh Helen, i read your response and it doesnt feel like such a lonely process anymore. Thanks for being so warm, kind and lovely. :)

You are so right - i have been holding it together and trying to behave so well for so long. And actually, why the bloody hell should i - i wasnt the one in the wrong in the first place! Wouldnt want to make a habit of it because it was hard on me but today i actually feel a little glad i said some of those things to him. I didnt want to give him any reasons to justify his behaviour but actually he has rationalised it so well already it probably didnt matter.

What i realised today is that he has convinced himself so wholly that his actions were justified that he doesnt really see that he did a great deal wrong. I would be banging my head against a wall if were to try and change that. I think it will be years before he can hold up his hands to what a total arse he has been, if ever. He has lied all the way through this to me and to other people and again you are right - he just wants to avoid confrontation. He seems a rather pathological to me right now and i wonder if he has always been that way and i just didnt notice so much before. I am never going to get honesty or the ownership of this that i want from him.

I dont think my ex will contact me next week. He hasnt done anything that he has said he would since this happened so cant see that he will start now. But i imagine that even though it will be hard it will also be pretty empowering to ignore him if he does. And i might as well because i am not going to get anything from him that i need. I will try to heed your advice about stepping away. I cant really say much more to him anyway.

I am having counselling sessions at my Drs surgery. At the moment once a week feels like such a long time apart. I need them everyday. :D

Tomorrow night i am meeting some very old friends - two of whom i havent seen for 26yrs so i am looking forward to that - we are going to see a band from our youth.

Thanks again for being a trooper Helen. Cant tell you how much i appreciate it. :)

luce

12th March 2010, 03:25 PM

Just reporting in: feeling better today than i have done in ages, still a bit weepy, but not doubled over - looking forward to seeing the band with old friends tonight.

luce

17th March 2010, 11:44 AM

I can well remember how I longed for the ex to contact me and how gutted I was if he didn't when he said he would ( which was often ) , eventually I took the decision not to respond to him ( God that was so hard ) and took back any control he had.

Truth is, he's going to want as easy a life as possible, so he IS going to lie to get that. Seems they can't deal with the fall out so use avoidance tactics. Telling you want you want to hear is common.

Well, he didnt call despite the last thing i said being that if you tell me you are going to call then i really need you to do what you say you will. Dont tell me you will call and then not do it cos i cant handle anymore hurt and anger right now. Of course, no call. So i am left to conclude that it was that easy life thing - he didnt want to continue the conversation last week - and so it was a way to get me off the phone without being blatant and causing more ructions.

I was completely gutted when he didnt call. All over again i was so hurt. Whatever else he says about never having loved me etc he cant take away from me that we were family for 16yrs. That much is undisputable. I dont understand how that alone doesnt see me extended some kind of courtesy and consideration.

I am so sick that i handed my power back over to him in this way. When he told me that he didnt love me i tried to take back my power in someway by telling him that he needed to leave and needed to leave immediately. Then i tried to further take back power by telling him not to contact me, by taking all his stuff to his dad, removing him from my facebook contacts and going to Thailand. And then in one phone call i give him all the power back - unbelievable!

Rang my friend in tears when he didnt call and she was shouting at me down the phone that he doesnt care about me anymore and that i needed to understand that. She wasnt being unkind, she was just trying to get me to comprehend and stop torturing myself i know. She is right too - for some unfathomable reason he doesnt care anymore. I cant get my head around it - i can understand that he doesnt love me or want to be with me but i cant understand he how he doesnt care after a lifetime together.

Not only does he not care but he also seems to be playing some kind of game with me. He has now de-activated his facebook account as requested but up until last week while he couldnt see my facebook page he could see our mutual friend's pages. I went down to Cormwall on 6th March to see some girfriends, we went to see a band and pictures of us having a great time where posted on her facebook on the 7th March. I have just discovered that on the 8th March he posted on a car forum about how he had spent the weekend in Cornwall, what a fantastic time he had and what a great summer it was going to be. Because of my work he knows i read the car forums and must know that there is a good chance i will see the post. Again my friend says that there is no way that this is co-incidence, that he has retaliated against me for whatever reason.

Again i dont understand why he would want to play games with me or hurt me deliberately by letting me know that he is going to have a great summer (with another woman). I didnt do this thing to him. He did it to me. It doesnt make any sense in my mind whatsoever. I can only think that he is furious because i didnt behave as he anticipated. I have been making every show of getting on with my life and i have exposed his dirty little secret to everyone. He had been hiding his affair for ages and i have told everyone. Its not my secret to keep.

Helen_uk

17th March 2010, 12:29 PM

I know luce, I really do. It's as if they mutate into some other being over night . It's not like this for everyone, but for some it seems they can make a decision and then obliterate everything to do with the past, it no longer exists for them - and just move on . When the person left behind is still around to remind them they just don't like it. They're so damned impatient to forge ahead with this new, wonderful life they envisage that they are irritated with anything that stops them.

Well uh huh.. you can't just say to someone " I don't love you " , walk away and not bear some responsibility for the damage you've done and I'm a firm believer that one day it will come back and bite them on the bum.

When you love and trust someone, spend years of your life with them, you can't just stop loving them because they say so ! I don't think they get that... but I tell you this luce , that makes you the better person, because you have a heart.

It does sound like he's playing mind games for some imagined slur against him... did he think he was going to come out of this without a blemish ? That people would think it's ok to dump his partner of 16 years , the son he'd brought up as his own and waltz off into the sunset with his floosie ? I don't think so ! No, it shows what kind of person he is. He doesn't like that . Makes him look untrustworthy and heartless. My ex repeatedly asked me not to talk to my own family ( even my sons ) about what he'd done , kept saying it was " our " business . There was no " our " anymore !

I'm trying hard not to let my bitterness show here , but hell ! Actions have consequences... it's bloody time they learned that !

I've never believed that it's right to keep a marriage or relationship together if both people aren't willing to try . What pees me off big time is people who don't bother trying, then think they can improve their lives by involving a third party... and then lie about it. If there's a problem, how can you know if they don't talk to you ?

It's very true luce that the best revenge is to get on with your life and be happy ( or at least appear to be ) must be a bit of a dent to his pride if you're not wailing into your hankie in front of all and sundry 24/7 :-)

luce

17th March 2010, 01:23 PM

Oh Helen, you just get it so well. I am so sorry that you find yourself in a position where you understand all too well but also I am so grateful to you that you 'get it'. You put into words for me stuff that i struggle to articulate and that helps me so much.

I came across this the other day on my internet travels which resonates with me rather;
http://www.runawayhusbands.com/learning_place.html

I think i might even buy the book.

I spend a lot of time reading on the internet just trying to make sense of what has happened. It has helped me somewhat to see it is so typical but i also think i am spending a lot of time trying to make sense of nonsense.

Helen, i am more grateful to have you in my life that i can begin to tell you. So thank-you!

Helen_uk

17th March 2010, 02:51 PM

Wedgewood

17th March 2010, 07:07 PM

Hey Luce,

I dont get on here so much anymore, but you are welcome to MSN me at mark.wiegold@hotmail.co.uk thats presuming you use hotmail ofcourse! Most of the members are on there, we use it as a support network too

Thinking of you hun x

Mark x

Wedgewood

17th March 2010, 07:13 PM

You can give me your number then too x

Anyone else is welcome to add me ofcourse!

Mark

luce

18th March 2010, 01:36 AM

You can give me your number then too x

Anyone else is welcome to add me ofcourse!

Mark

haha, thanks for making me smile. It is going to cost you a fortune to chat me up on phone from Alantis. Isnt that like 60,000 leagues under the sea or something. So i have compromised and instead of giving you my phone number i have sent you facebook request. Bloody hell you didnt even know i had your facebook details did you! haha, now you can be scared - maybe you have bunny boiling internet stalker. :eek::D

luce

18th March 2010, 01:43 AM

You're very welcome Luce.. I'm just so sorry that ANYONE has to go through this . It sucks.

One of the things I struggled to cope with was that it went from being *we* to * me and him * so suddenly. As a couple you're kind of defining yourself in one way and suddenly it feels like part of the definition is missing, and then you've got to define yourself all over again ( does that make sense ? ) . I hadn't been truly single since I was 15 and there I was, alone . Big shock.

But you know Luce , 3 years later I have a much better understanding of who I am . That man brought me to the brink of suicide . Although my marriage had ended when we met , I walked away from everything I owned for him. I took mine and the kid's clothes and stuff and left my house and everything I'd built up during my marriage ...left it all behind because my new house was so much smaller and it didn't fit .... plus my ex hubby and I were still living in the marital home until it sold when we met..... and new partner was sooooo eager for us to start a life together..... and he threw it all away for an affair with a school girl !

It still makes me angry when I see people going through the same thing, the blatant disregard for the person left behind. The hurt it causes.

Helen x

Oh Helen, you always say the right thing.

I have felt so suicidal through this - reading your post i hear that it is normal to feel that way, thank-you. I would NEVER act on it but i do feel it. I guess really when we get these wrist slashing thoughts it is simply an expression of 'i cant stand feeling like this anymore, i am so scared and dont think i will ever get through'.

And you are right the whole thing is such a massive shock. I think that is the worst thing about it all. It helps to know you get angry for me too.

I will give you his address and you claw his eyes out for me. Please, pretty please, please with cherry on top. In fact we could do it like momma on a train - you do mine and i'll do yours. :D:D

luce

18th March 2010, 04:01 AM

It is so awful isnt it Jennifer. I read and read on the internet trying to make sense of it because i am so baffled. But i think i am trying to make sense of nonsense and one day i am going to have to stop before i drive myself crazy. You are right - it sucks bigtime.

luce

18th March 2010, 08:41 AM

Thanks Jennifer but i am not so sure the Save My Marriage set would be right for me. My marriage is way beyond saving. Not only is he living with another woman but too much damage has been done. :(

Helen_uk

18th March 2010, 11:45 AM

Luce, the suicidal thing is normal . It's not so much wanting to die, it's wanting to stop the pain , I used to go to sleep ( when I did manage to get some sleep ! ) and wish I wouldn't wake up. I used to enjoy it if I had a bad dream ! At least when I woke up it then gave me some relief than waking up to the nightmare !

A few months after we split, I was diagnosed with an auto immune condition that affects the joints, making them painful. My consultant was surprised when I reacted with a smile. I tried to explain to him that after all the months of mental pain and anguish it was a relief to have a physical pain to deal with ! I was far more able to deal with it !! Just shows how demoralising emotional pain can be I guess . I think the consultant thought I was loopy lol.

Hey , I just read your answer to Jen above... I can see the positive in what you just said. You're thinking in terms of recovery.. without your ex , getting to a point where wanting him back isn't your first thought . I don't mean that in a horrible or negative way so I hope you won't feel offended . It just shows your strength .

You are more than welcome to give my ex a good slap hehehe.. And I'm more than happy to give yours the benefit of the side of my hand lol. I think he might benefit more from a verbal tongue lashing from me though , I'm famed for it lol.

H

luce

18th March 2010, 01:20 PM

Nope, not in the least offended Helen. I like it that you saw that. I also like it that you are loopy in the very best of ways. :D

And i do really wish that someone would give my ex a verbal tongue lashing. I am so much disabilitated around him right now that i cant do it. Anyone else could wipe the floor with him though. Some of my women friends would if they ever saw him but i cant persuade them to hunt him down just for the purpose. They are so mean. :D:D

Helen_uk

18th March 2010, 02:16 PM

I'm sure he'll bump into one of them at some point ... Just make sure they always carry a camera to record the moment for prosperity lol.

I really do believe that they will get their come-uppance at some point Luce and the best revenge I had so far was being dressed up to the nines and looking good whilst out on a date and bumping into the ex ....... Revenge truly is a dish best served cold.. his face was not a happy one !

I can honestly say I rarely give him a thought now, I can listen to * our tune * and not be sad and I can even see that actually he did me a favour because I'm a much stronger person now and I don't allow anyone to push me around . He still has his sleazy little porn sites, his lusting over barely legal girls and his inability to hold down a relationship. I have peace of mind and don't have to worry about what he's up to or who with.

You will get to that point too, and as long as you let yourself move through the process of grieving and then healing, don't deny yourself the feelings and don't bottle things up, you'll get there quicker than you think.

Would I have my ex back ? Not on your nelly !!

luce

18th March 2010, 04:39 PM

Oh i really hope he gets his come-uppance Helen. I dont know if it makes me a bad person but i really, really want him to hurt and to have a totally miserable life. I like the thought of you all dressed up on a date and bumping into X. I have fantasized about that one, lol.

My ex has moved to a town some 50-60 miles away but is still working in local city. I just found out that he is going to be moving job to the town where he is living. To be expected i suppose and really i should be glad as it means i dont have to worry about bumping into him/ or hearing news of him anymore but i was gutted.

It was like 'oh, so i am never going to see you again then' and it was a further sinking in of just how important his new life and new relationship are too him. Then i hate myself for not being quite as over him as i thought. Part of me cant bear the thought of never seeing him again and it just makes me want to wail. I also feel robbed. I feel robbed of that opportunity to run into him when i am with some handsome and younger man, lol.

I really want to get to that point of having peace of mind and not worrying about what he is up to. Right now i am still quite obsessed with his movements which is madness because i know this isnt fixable. I only have to take responsibility for me and my son being alright.

Thanks for the words of encouragement Helen. What you have gone through is so awful that i can only think that if you can get through it so can i. :)

luce

22nd March 2010, 11:42 AM

Quick update; last week i had one of my worse weeks to date. I was back to crying all the time. My X did eventually ring several days later than he said he would. By which time my anger levels had esculated. He said he was couldnt ring on Monday cos he was too angry with me for badmouthing him to people. He said 'i would never badmouth you'. Can you believe it!!! No, he wouldnt badmouth me but he would lie, cheat, decieve, betray and break me into 1000 tiny pieces that i am left to try and pull back in a tiny piece at the time. Blooming hell i couldnt believe what was coming out of his mouth - he would never badmouth me indeed!

So i went off the deep end and lost it with him all over again. I told him that as far as badmouthing him was going i was only just warming up. I got so angry that even went as far as posting on a public internet forum that he uses telling everyone what he did. And if you could see his original posting you would understand why i lost it. He was saying that it was going to be a great summer for him (ouch!) and lying saying that he had bought some equipment from X online shop but actually it was stuff that i had bought for him for Xmas (completely oblivious to his affair). But it is not good for me to follow him around internet forums so i need to not do that again. Entering realm of crazy bunny boiler bitch there.

I hadnt badmouthed him anyway i had simply let everyone know what he had done. I didnt want hiim to give people the idea that he had left his wife in a decent manner and then sometime later found a new relationship. I wanted people to know that he wasnt the good moral upright man he always presented himself to be. He works in a kind of social work type job to he is able to present himself as decent, honest, kind, caring new man type but he is not those things really.

But the upshot of that 10 days or so when i spoke with him twice was that i was in pieces with not only my emotions running riot but my behaviours going out the window. I can see now that i simply cannot speak to him for a long time. Speaking to him sends me crazy. Partly it is because he is crazy. His perceptions of everything are so warped and he is so far rationalised and justified that it does my nut in and i spirall out of control. So no more speaking to him for me, no more visiting internet forums he uses and i have Hilda Ogden sitting in my brain to sweep out thoughts of him when they occur.

Saturday was a break through for me - i got through my first day in 2 and 1/2 months without tears. It is still right there in my head nearly all the time but i am beginning to experience short spells of time when i realise i have been thinking about something else entirely. It is getting better i think. :D

luce

31st March 2010, 10:21 PM

Having a difficult time again. It seems we are all struggling at the moment doesnt it! Perhaps the holiday period looming accentuates it too.

I am doubled over in tears again asking myself how anyone could have done such a terrible thing to me? I dont understand how ANYONE could treat me this way. People just dont treat me badly, they really dont. So I really, really dont understand how my husband could treat me this way. He was my husband damn it! He was my family! I thought he was my best friend. How can someone that was my family do this to me???? I just dont get it. I could never treat another living soul this way let alone someone that is meant to be my best friend.

I think this is accentuated for me right now because i am acutely aware that him and the OW are going to India with a group of friends on Saturday. We were supposed to go with them some months ago and then when it came to time to book tickets my H got all moody about it and said that he would really resent it if we spent our holiday money going away with a group of other people. He said that our alone time on holiday time was really important to him and that he needed for us to keep this. I was upset about India cos i really wanted to go but was also really touched that he was saying our family time was so important to him that he wanted to keep it exclusive. Of course, what i didnt know at the time was that a) it would be rather difficult for him to be on a hillside with both his wife and his mistress and b) that he was planning to leave before then anyway. What a ****ing bastard!!!

I really want to call him and ask him to meet for lunch. I want to ask him face-to-face how he could have behaved in this terrible way. I know i mustnt see him because i might not survive it and because i am going to get no different result face-to-face that i have done on telephone anyway. I just keep thinking that if he has too look me, the person he lived with for 16yrs, in the face then maybe the facade will crack but i know that it is just fantasy - that he never, ever going to acknowledge the awfulness of what he has done. My friends keep telling me that he is in a totally different place to me right now anyway and i know that they are right. He is not going to get it, i will look like a bunny boiler. I hate this - i even feel like a bloody bunny boiler still obsessing about this 3 months on. The thing is though that i am not obsessing about him per se, i am obsessing about how he could have done what he did. I just dont get it. I dont get how any of them can do this to any of us.

Oh my gawd I hate him so much but underneath all this i know that the hating only hides how bloody much i was hurt. This hurts so damn much.

luce

31st March 2010, 10:50 PM

hahaha, i just realised that i sound like a blooming stuck record! Sort it out gal.

UpandDown

31st March 2010, 11:04 PM

Bless you. Three months is nothing... You're doing amazing. I totally hear what you're saying about the bunny boiler thing. It's just so shocking and incomprehensible what they've done isn't it? Yet there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Also the friend/just being a decent human being thing...my H keeps telling me how good we are as "friends" but since he's started this he's been more horrible and uncaring to me than ever. With friends like these who needs enemies.

Grr, I can't believe they are going to India!!! You must be so p'd off about that. My H is taking my one year old to his parents 5 hours away. I'm feeling really low about it as I have already started missing him (the kid I mean!) I think you have definitely hit the nail on the head with the holiday thing. Sundays are bad enough, but this is like 4 Sundays in a row.

So sorry he's done this to you. Haven't read your story fully yet but will do asap now I have my new computer.

La, la la. Where do you live? Is it a secret? I don't know how to find out.... I mean what country not your full address -don't worry, i'm not some crazy mad stalker, just a little high on chocolate right now!

Stay strong, you're amazing.
Love Kathryn
x

seven

31st March 2010, 11:50 PM

Luce - you and me both girl. I think we must be experiencing the 3 month "bitch". I said that because itch just doesn't suffice.

What you say about not obsessing about him, but about what he's done is exactly what i'm feeling too. I too want to meet my H and ask him outright why he did this, and HOW he could do it. After meeting him a few weeks ago though, I absolutely know that it wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference to him. As your friends have said, he is in a different place to you. I think the "deserters" as I like to call them, always are. They mentally left a long time before we even knew about it, so they've already justified it in their heads and made every excuse they'll ever need to. They must rationalise it so much that it gets to a point where they feel they are doing the right thing, and then they wonder why we argue with it?

What he's done about India is outright cruel and unforgivable. I feel your pain and want to punch his ****ing lights out on your behalf.

India, or somewhere else you'd like to go, can be YOUR next adventure. You don't need him to have an adventure - he'd have just been a misery guts if you'd have gone anyway. At least it's saved you the agony of going away with him :)

I can't bloomin wait for the next month, then the next month, then the next month to pass so that we can start feeling better. The feelings of wanting to chase him around the internet are normal. Every few days or so I google my H just incase something comes up - god knows what i'm looking for, but it feeds my desire to check up on him. I hang off every word his mother in law emails me, looking for clues as to what he's up to etc.

What keeps coming back to me Luce is that he doesn't give a **** about me anymore. He's not searching for me on google or facebook. He doesn't even ask how I am these days, so he can't care about me the way i cared about him. He doesn't deserve my time or my thoughts. I was sad all over again when I realised i'd come home from holiday and he's been to collect more of his things. I cried when I opened his wardrobe and saw it completely empty. Tonight i'm in a different frame of mine (mainly due to YOU!) and i'm now thinking that i'm pissed off because there are still a few items of clothing of his still in the drawers. Before I was seeing his things in the wardrobe and using them as a subsitute for him - seeing them made me think part of him was still here. When I saw the wardrobe empty I felt like i'd lost part of him again. Tonight though, i'm wishing he'd taken ALL of his stuff, so that I can now put MY stuff in the wardrobe and stop thinking of it as his space.

So, i've taken a stand tonight and sent him an email. I've told him to sort his finances, and i've said we need to talk about splitting our belongings, and what we do next about the house. I've also asked what he wants me to do with his post, as he has never given me a forwarding address since he left. The ball is now completely in my court. I've taken control again, and it feels good. I'm sick of feeling like crap each day, wondering when he'll contact me about little things, but no more.

No more for you either Luce. However much you are hurting, he's not hurting back. He's not crying any tears for you. So get angry again, not upset. But don't let it consume you. You are an amazing woman, you truly are. You have no idea just how inspirational you are. He is an absolute fool, but you need to flip it and think of yourself as better off without him. We both do.

ALWAYS here for you xxxxxx

UpandDown

31st March 2010, 11:57 PM

Seven - do you have a garage or similar? I'd be tempted to bag up the reminder of his clothes and get them out of the house so you can move on a bit. It's not fair you have to wait for him to do it when it suits him.
x

seven

1st April 2010, 01:24 AM

No garage :( But a very big loft - at least i can keep them out of sight eh?

How you doin Luce? Ok I hope xxx

luce

1st April 2010, 01:50 AM

Kathryn, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! Your words were just what i needed to hear 'Three months is nothing... You're doing amazing' and i love that you acknowledged the horribleness of them going to India. I was thinking that maybe i was being really obsessive again. I mean what should it matter to me where they go? But it does matter to me. It matters a lot. On reflection if it wasnt so tragic it would be laughable. We were invited on this trip and i was all excited not realising that my husband was having an affair with one of the women going on it. He was put right on the spot and had to agree to go. Then had to find a way to wiggle out. What he used to wiggle out was 'us'. He knew damn well that 'us' was really, really important to me and that it would melt me so much that i would accept his reason for not going. What a see you next tuesday he is!

Seven, thank-god for you and for your honesty. I google my husband every day. I google the OW every day. I have been so ashamed of this and havent told anyone that i do this. I know it is something i need to STOP doing for my own sanity but it is so hard. The internet is freaky like that. It is like someone is living in your street. The only person i hurt by doing this is myself too but i just cant seem to stop. I keep promising myself that i will stop and then i am doing it again.

It is good that you are taking control hon. I am so proud of you. It felt good when i took control and packed my H's stuff up and took it to his dads house. I gave control back to him for a while when i found myself sitting waiting for his phone calls but i took it back again thankfully. It is hard because it is like as the dumpee all the power seems to be in his hands and as the dumped i feel like i have no power. But it is not true. I have always been quite a powerful woman - i just need to reclaim it.

Thank goodness you see think the India thing is cruel too. I thought it was just me being a pyscho bitch until i got the confirmation from Katherine and yourself that this is ghastly. Why am i calling myself names like bunny boiler and pyscho bitch here too? Why did he do this ****ty stuff and then i end up feeling like it is me that is a mad cow? I am not. I truly am not.

I cant believe your husband snuck in and took his stuff while you were away. That is horrible. No wonder you have been struggling since you came home! What a welcome home that must have been! You did say this in another post and i didnt register the enormity of what had happened. That would have had me in bits. I am so sorry that this happened to you honey

t is shocking that he hasnt given you a forwarding address. My H hasnt given me a forwarding address either - it is unbelievable. I cant imagine leaving someone after all those years and not saying 'oh by the way this is my address if you need to contact me'.

We will be okay. We will all be ok. We are all amazing and fabulous.

luce

1st April 2010, 02:12 AM

Oh yes, sorry Kathryn - i live in the UK, in South West. :)

What about you?

UpandDown

1st April 2010, 11:07 AM

Ah-ha! I live in Surrey. I get confused because everyone writes at different times, but then none of us are sleeping well are we??!!

I haven't googled my H yet, but I have gone into his facebook twice really quickly which I'm very ashamed of! I worry someone will see he's there but know he can't be. I wanted to see if he had any dodgy messages but none so far. I'm really bad at spying though as i'm so jumpy! I want to look at his phone but he always has it in his pocket........trying not to think about it other than that. I don't know how I would cope if there was someone else.

Seven and Luce you are both doing so great. I totally agree it's great to be angry rather than sad but not to let it consume you and become bitter. What's that saying, don't get mad, get even? The best way to get back at him is to go on and have a wonderful life. We are all so much better off than our OH's as we have faced up to the truth head on wheras they have run away and will carry all their problems with them. We have a chance at a better tomorrow, they really don't. They might seem better off than us at the moment, but believe me, it's only temporary.

Wishing you both lots of love and luck.
Love Kathryn
x

ps think of me today, potty training a toddler who doesn't want to sit on potty! Been at it three hours and already on 7th pair of pants! Give me strength!
x

luce

3rd January 2011, 01:21 AM

Wow! Been struggling a bit lately and thought i would come back and take a look at this thread.

Only read the very beginning but it was
a) revealing - the struggles i have experienced lately are echoes of what i felt last Jan.
a) encouraging - i have come so far this year

The echoes - Scared - i am scared again. Not like before but still scared and feeling overwhelmed. Am almost 46yrs old, i want to move town, my business is in trouble - it all feels scary.

BUT it is only echoes - they need acknowledging. But so do the positives. When this happened a year ago i didnt think i would ever be happy again but i have had so many happy times this year. I was isolated then and thought i was too old to make new friends. Not true - i have made many new wonderful friends this year and some from this forum. Met some of the ladies who were posting right at start of this thread for weekend in london in Sept - how fab is that! I thought i would never be attracted to another man as long as i lived - not true....DEFINITELY NOT TRUE haha. I have done more in this past year than i have for years. I have been to Thailand, festivals, camping, Tunisia, gigs, comedy nights, lectures and more. Am off to Rome with a girlfriend in couple of weeks. I have lost 4 stone - i have SO MUCH MORE CONFIDENCE. I am 45 years old and definitely NOT invisible. I turn heads again - something i hadnt done for years. My relationship with my son is better now it is just the two of us in the house.

Best of all i rarely think about my ex these days - the relentless anger, the body-doubling hurt and the non-stop thinking all stopped somewhere along the way. I never thought it would cease - but it is all quiet now. And the echoes are only echoes. I have come further than i would have ever imagined.

Just been back through some of my old threads and came across one in April where i was breaking down at 4am in the morning after calling my ex drunk. And none of us were sleeping and i was getting responses from people i met on this forum in middle of night. Each of those ladies is still my friend now. How awesome this forum is!