A choice or a feeling

[Hopefull1983]

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately. My husband told me 4 months ago that he no longer feels the same way about me and we have been seperated since. Anyway, one too many evenings thinking things over and pondering of there's any future for us my mind started wondering. I was thinking about the above, I have always believed that ultimately love is a choice, now I know a lot of people on here are going to disagree with this and everyone has their own opinions which is fine but I'll explain my thoughts. Initially when you meet someone I am definately of the opinion that love is a feeling, you don't feel love towards someone that you don't like, who you're not compatable with, who you have nothing in common with etc...so love initially is definately a feeling towards that person, however, I think there comes a point once you fall in love and make the choice to get married that you have a commitment then to carry on loving that person for the rest of your lives. Now I know this sounds 'unromantic' but it's not as black and white as I make it sound. What I'm suggesting is that you have initially fallen in love with this person so they are obviously the type of person that makes you happy and so through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part you should then choose to love that person for the rest of your life. I definately feel that after you have fallen in love with someone that love becomes a verb, it is something you do and something you can control. Throughout my 9 year relationship with my husband I have to admit that times for us were (well as far as I was aware) easy, happy, carefree, fun and loving, however obviously over the years mundane life took over at times and I didn't feel 'in love' with my husband but during these times I didn't give up and think 'oh well that's it' I chose to carry on loving my husband, I greeted him with a big hug and kiss at the door each evening, I cooked romantic meals, I massaged his neck while he played poker on the computer, I spiced up our sex life, I booked us a romantic break away, I told my husband I loved him every day and low and behold a few weeks later there they were again those butterflies that I felt for my husband the day we met and the circle went on, mundane life took over so I acted in love and therefore fell back in love. I know everyone is different but what I struggle to understand is why our husbands/wives/partners have decided that they no longer want to love us, why because mundane life has taken over and their feelings aren't what they used to be have they decided to give up and start again without us. They obviously loved us once so why are they convinced that they will never love us again? I'm waffling on a lot, I am just so confused as to why it is so easy to just give up on what is supposed to be a life long commitment, to just break promises and to break someone's heart when there are ways to resolve things. Maybe they just want the single life again? Maybe they're just selfish and think that no matter what they do we'll sit in the side lines waiting while they play the field? I don't know, I'm just baffled about how blase` people are about marriage vows these days and how easy it is to just give up on a happy and healthy marriage.
To contradict my theory about love being a choice not a feeling, why can't we just stop loving someone, why can't we choose not to love them? Why can't we just turn our feelings off when we are no longer acting in love?
Sorry for waffling I'm just thinking aloud really.

"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

[Raymond]

I am sorry that your husband has separated from you Struggling but I think your post is amazing and bang on. I believe in everything you have said but have never put it as beautifully as you do. Nearly everyday we see marriages crumbling on here on the basis of "I love you but am not in love with you any more".

Funny my wife and I were talking about this before I read your post. She says you can fall in love and fall out of love, but real love goes forever.

My own thought is that it is a choice as well. In other words you love with your will as well as your feelings. It is brilliant how you put it. I can't get over it. You were certainly not waffling.

I think you are a person with a lot of insight and he will be the poorer if he ever left you. I think you have hit the nail on the head. Actually you express the normal christian view which view has sustained my happy marriage for twenty five years, but I have never heard it put so clearly on here.

God bless you.

Raymond

[Raymond]

How long have you been married for Struggling and are there any children? Sometimes the lack of feelings can be affected by something else. Were there any ongoing problems he might have mentioned which could contribute to his lack of feelings?

Raymond

[Hopefull1983]

Hi Raymond,

Thank you, good to know I wasn't waffling on. Sometimes it's just good to get things off your chest and here is a good place. I have been married for a mere 15 months, however, we've been together for 9 years. No children involved which I thank my lucky stars for at this very moment, I struggle to deal with my own grief I don't think I could deal with my childrens also. Other things involved...yes...my husband fell out of love with me so looked elsewhere and developed feelings for one of our best friends. Nothing physical happened but instead of doing all of the things that I mentioned I had done when I experienced those 'out of love' feelings he looked elsewhere and developed too close a friendship with someone else rather than focusing on me. We're close at the moment and developing a friendship (I can't deal with bitterness and anger as well as grief and heartache) but other than that he shows no signs of wanting to keep his marriage vows. Maybe I'm old fashioned but it just seems too easy for people to walk away these days, if we argued constantly and had just grown to no longer like each other I would understand but that was not the case, we got and still do get along so well and respect each other and have such fun together so he is basically taking the 'easy' way out rather than 'choosing' to love me again. There is nothing more I can do to save my marriage though other than just concentrate on myself and developing a frienship with my husband and if he realises he is being a fool then great, but if not I'll be stronger for looking after number 1 which is something I've never done while we have been together, I've always made him and 'us' priority over me.

[Raymond]

I don't think he is worthy of you. Your types are worth their weight in gold. One cannot write it off. He may come to repentance over the way he is behaving but you are right. You have to look to yourself now. You cannot wait for him to change. If he does change you may or may not be available then. For the moment you need to heal and you will be healing, as soon as you have accepted the worse, although it will take time. You are unusual in that you are developing a friendship while he is being unfaithful. Stick around. It is lovely to know you.

Raymond

[Hopefull1983]

Thank you Raymond, if there is one thing I know now and I didn't throughout our entire relationship is that he certainly is not worthy of me and my heart and in the long run, this is certainly going to be his loss. I know it's strange that we are developing a frienship while he has turned his back on our marriage (he's not being unfaithful in the sense that he's with anyone else...he cut contact with our friend a couple of months ago and she doesn't really want much to do with him anyway) but he is being unfaithful to us and the vows that he took by just giving up, however, he has been the biggest part of my life for all of my adult life and ultimately I'd rather have him as my best friend than nothign at all, as well as the fact that his family are my family, I absolutely adore his parents and brothers and sisters and our neice and nephew are also our God Children, there are just so many reasons for me to keep him as a big part of my life than to just cut him out. This may change if we both meet someone else, in this case it may not be as easy to be good friends then but that will just have to be a bridge we cross as and when we come to it. Thanks for listening and replying Raymond, it's good to get things off my chest so I will definately be sticking around. I hope one day I have a happy and healthy long lasting marriage like yours whether that is with my husband or someone else.

[912jws]

An excellent first post struggling! As Raymond said it is spot on, as to why people give up on relationships, only your partners know.
I never gave up on my relationship/marraige despite first affair and a longish separation over a year back.
Sadly I think my wife gave up on our relationship long ago and things haven't been right for a long time now that I have had time to reflect on the past.
I would say that you still need to love that person always, even if its not the same type of intense love that you had when you first met.
I agree that you still need to do all of the things you have said, the little bits of tlc, showing you care etc, spicing up your love life, just trying to show that you still think of that person as I think it shows that you are still in love with them.
I know that is certainly what is needed after an affair and when that person doesn't do this it will create doubt.
I hope you get a chance to sort things out with your husband, you are lucky in some respects that you don't have children as that is difficult to deal with when you have been mucked around by the other party and you still have to deal with them on a regular basis.

Good luck for the future!

Jon

[Hopefull1983]

Thanks for your reply Jon. One thing you said in your post really hit home to me and I think you got absolutely right, and that is that we will always love our current spouse. I know that deep down no matter what happens even if in 20 years time I'm married to someone else with beautiful children that there will always be a space in my heart for my husband. I'll never regret my marriage (I regret how it has turned out and I do feel kind of embarrassed that I'm just 26 and on the way to a divorce) but I don't for one second regret marrying the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and for that reason there will always be a part of me that will love him, he's helped me become the woman that I am today and has given me so many wonderful memories and 9 blissfully happy years and for that I will always love him. They say everything happens for a reason so lets just hope our 'reason' for this heartache and pain are as loving, committed, devoted and special as we are and give us the true happiness that we deserve.

Good luck to you too.

[ron uk]

Hi hopeful 1983,I have just read your posts and I am blown away by what you are saying.It could not have been put any more perfectlyThese days it seems happiness,being in love is a consumer commodity.Needs effort to maintain it? -never mind try someone else its off the shelf!If only I was ?? years younger I would be looking you up!!.

[Hopefull1983]

Thanks Ron. I don't know, I guess it's just my view on marriage. You don't walk away 'for better for worse', what's confusing for a lot of us on here is that our marriages didn't seem like they were at the 'worse' stage and our spouses still walked away. I guess like you say, they've watched too much TV, saw an hour film where life is rosy and romantic and expected their own life to be like this. On another side of things some of our partners have had an affair emotional or physical affair and been naive enough to think that the initial attraction they have to this other man/woman will not turn into 'mundane life' at some point. Relationships/marriages/freindships, they all take work even if it is just a little thing like listening so that you know what the other person wants from the relationship, and unless both parties are willing to put in the effort then this is where we end up. I think a selfless act for someone else brings much more joy and feelings of being 'in love' than the opposite way around. Although I loved my husband being romantic, writing me a letter, buying me a gift, cooking me a romantic meal etc...I always felt more in love with him when I did these things for him. I think the problem many of us on here have encountered is that our husbands/wives/partners have become lazy and stopped doing these things for us (maybe because there has been someone else they're doing these things for or maybe just mundane life has taken it's toll) thus have fallen out of love.

[yogamad]

Hi Hopeful, I've just read your posts and found them to be interesting and inspiring. You're right, after being married for a number of years it's hard to keep the 'love' going and stop the mundane life from taking over. It's probably something that everyone needs to do to keep their marriage happy and to stop them getting in a rut.

I'm now going up to bed for a cuddle with my H.

Good luck and thanks.
x

[Raymond]

Stop bragging Yoga.

Raymond

[Raymond]

Hopeful I think you have some of the main keys to what success in a marriage is. Don't ever lose that hope. I know scores of happy marriages that live by the principles you espouse. My own marriage is like that and it works. Somehow you seem to explain the christian view of marriage in a clear way without perhaps being a christian. Where did you pick it up from because it's everything I believe in regarding marriage? You are quite unusual and bang on in my view. It is a shame that your husband didn’t think in terms of committal. All you need is for the right one to have that same view. One of the ways that the scripture urges us men to love their wives is as their own bodies. Nobody ever hated their own body but nourishes it and cherishes it. Talk about being one flesh. Because we are told to do this from scripture doesn’t take away from the romantic which is part of love but it does put it into the area of loving with our wills as well as out feelings.

Raymond