Please Help!!!!

[Babygirl]

It seems that it is hopeless. The harder I try to please him,makes more things go wrong. We've been married for almost a year now,and we've been together for almost three. We had our first child about a year ago. There is a 7 year age difference between us. He tells me that I don't do anything to show him that I appreciate him. I know that all the material things in life don't matter, but I thought that just me loving him and giving my heart and soul to him would be enough. He says that if I don't know what to do to show him that I love and appreciate him, then we were'nt ment to be. He don't want to hear that I love him, He wants to see. How else besides devoting my whole life to him do I show him? How can I make him see that I'm here to love him and not to hurt him. It's really hard to talk to him,because he either turns everything I say around,or just blows up and wont listen to reason at all. I know he is a good man and, I love him with all my heart. I'm willing to stick by him and our family no matter what, but I'm afraid its going to dive both of us to the nut house. Please help me!!!!!!

[Kate]

The first years of marriage can be really tough, as you learn to adjust to each other. Having a little baby demanding attention can bring even more pressures. There may be articles in Adjusting to Married Life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffadjust/) and Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) that you may find helpful.

Building up your communication is very important. Your husband may say “you ought to know”, but mind reading is not one of the first qualifications for a happy marriage. He also has a responsibility to share with you what matters to him, what makes him feel valued and appreciated. How would he “see” that you love him? Ask him!

You can make some educated guesses, but talking it through would be better. Does he value possessions highly, perhaps a surprise gift occasionally is what he is after? Is he romantic – would a note tucked in his briefcase or lunch box be appreciated, or a special candlelit meal as a surprise one night?

Have you been struggling with your new responsibilities as a mother and not had much time for him, or is he struggling with what it means to be a father? Does he feel left out sharing you with a child, some men do struggle with the transition from two to three in the family?

Have you shared with him how you are feeling and asked him how he is feeling? Try and avoid seeming to blame him for how your feeling. Have a look at some of the articles we mentioned above and see if there is anything there that helps.


[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 11 January 2001).]