Debz

[debz]

My hubby had an affair two yrs ago, its been so hard for me to get ova. It took place where he works and the girl was 30yrs his junior. Im the type of person who, when i get hurt badly, i cant let it go. Alot of lies were told to me continually after i discovered the affair by my hubby, He says to try and 'protect' me from more hurt. I dont think he has seen her since but they do still work on the same factory but on seperate shifts, and its so hard knowing he goes there when everyone knows what went on between them. Over the last 2yrs, because of the lies, iv resorted to finding out things myself. Iv had two yrs of pure hell, im making some mistakes in my findings so its causing arguments for nothing. Im paranoid evryone was laughing at me when he was seeing her and r still laughing at me now. Its wearing me and my hubby down. How can i move on. How can i behave different, How can i stop hurting. Does anyone really get ova this type of thing. Apart from this stupid 'thing' we r great together but i desperately want to get my old self back, i want to laugh again, i want to stop seeing everybody as a threat to me. His bit on the side called me Psycho, is she right. Im so lonely in all this but i think im my own worst enemy. Im allowing the BITCH to win in a way. ANY ADVISE PLEASE XXXX

[DEBZ]

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[Raymond]

You are definitely not phsycho Debs. What a terrible thing to say while she is making out with your husband who should only be faithful to you.

I see three main points here.

The first is trust. Your trust in him has taken a real battering because he has been unfaithful. Trust is the thing that takes the longest to build but can be broken the quickest, but it is vital in a marriage. If you cannot trust him you can never rest. Has he restored your trust or has he attempted to regain your trust? Although this does take time he should be working on this and giving you the assurance that he regrets and is sorry for the past but wants to make it up to you. As I said this will take time and doesn't happen in a day. Provided all that has happened the next thing is my second point forgiveness.

If he has tried to make it up and win back you trust or assurance there will come a time when you need to forgive in order to move on. Some people find this a difficult one and can't seem to get over it. Forgiveness means cancelling the debt he owes you and not continually holding it over him. It means stopping the playback in your head and putting it behind you. It is difficult to do this if he has not repented over it or given his assurance to you that he was dreadfully wrong, but whatever happens the bridge of forgiveness needs to be crossed at some stage in order to put it behind you.

The third thing is the other woman. If you hold bitterness against her then she has something over you. If it is there in you you have to let it go and not think about revenge or her downfall. You can safely leave this with God. It is not our business to get revenge. I sense you have got into this but you must let it go in order to be free. If you don't let it go you have a tie to this woman which can affect your life negatively. You have to let her go as well as painful as this is.

If you are able to get all of the above in place then you should be able to put all of this behind you. It was not your fault that all this happened but nevertheless you have been wounded and the above steps are the way forward and the way for you to be healed.

Raymond

[William]

hello Debz
I agree with Raymond on this dear.
You did nothing to cause him to stray. He did this and only he can win your trust. If he is not seeing the other women any longer than that alone is a start, however I think he should be looking for ways to distance himself from her ASAP.
That would include a new job if thats what it takes. lets get real here as long as she is even in site the thought process takes place.
Im sorry you have been hurt but lets face it God really does have control and gives only what we can handle. Im not saying this is from God,and I know it sounds harsh. Move on by first taking care of you and that may mean doing things alone or with girlfriends that are real friends not someone that will say things that lead you astray from your goal.

1 do you want to stay?
2 do you think you can let go of this?
# If you let go are you willing to leave it in the past at all costs?
Will your husband go to counciling for HIS FAULTS and CONDITION?
As to the Bit.. she is a garbage can and was most likly used as such and does not know it yet,as well as has a very low self asteem and can not see it.
Yes I am with you on this and feel your pain.
I hope you will seek out help for yourself and let hubby find his own help if he truely wants the marriage to work.
Just another Joe in the crowd.
Bill

[debz]

Thanks Raymond and Bill for your reply. We tried councilling once but didnt go back, he hated every bit of it and couldnt understand why the past kept coming up and that me and the councilor were ganging up on him. I think he just couldnt take it. He wont leave his job, he says hes worried we will split up and hes got nothing, besides not being able to get other employment at his age (53). I do recognise that he is making an effort, he is trying his best. I sometimes think its just me, like iv said i know she doesnt work the same shifts as him, she works on his days off, but its just this nagging thought in my head that they are still working on the same place. Its the not knowing if anythings still going on. I now understand how a woman feels when her other half goes with a younger woman, its devastating. I dont feel good enough or pretty enough. What is it with men that they always have to lust after young girls, its sick, after all what eva posesses a 21yr old to fancy a 53yr old. Im a pretty good looking woman, i get fancied by alot of men but would never in this world do anything about it because i love my husband. The texts i found on his phone were also disturbing, they said they loved eachother, that they couldnt wait to be together,that they couldnt wait to be alone for kisses and cuddles. He says they mean nothing and that it was just the attention he was getting from a 21yr old girl, he said he never thought a 21yr old would fancy him so i guess basically he just went for it. The text seemed so serious to me and i just need to know if they were real feelings but i suppose ill never know that cause no man would be honest when asked would they. I just need to know if im just second best? cause he was caught out.

[Raymond]

Debs you have either got a good marriage or you haven't. Either he is alright now until the next time or he isn't. On the other hand if he has repented and has now set his heart on being faithful only to you then you need to forgive and allow the trust to be built up.

The true picture lies in his attitude. Your worrying about it all the time will not change what are the facts and you will not be able to manipulate him. If you have truly forgiven him, then the past does not need to be dragged up, continually gone into or replayed in your head. Forgiveness mean forgetting. That is the nature of it. I know you will never really forget it in one sense but what I am saying is that you should make an effort to forget and not keep raking it up in your mind. If he has really repented then you may be preventing him from moving on and building up your marriage again.

I think you really need to make an effort to move on now and put this behind you as difficult as you find it. Otherwise you are in limbo going round and round.

Raymond

[debz]

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[Raymond]

Debz his desire to renew the vows does show commitment to me.

You sound as if you have rejection because of a lack of nurture in your childhood perhaps and haven't learned how to forgive. You have to realise that forgiveness is not saying there was nothing wrong with the offence. There was a lot wrong with it. Forgiveness is overlooking the offence. In this case because your husband is sorry about it and wants to make amends. We all need forgiveness everyday for wrongs and mistakes we make simply because we are not perfect. It would be different if we didn't care but when we want to do well we will need forgiveness now and again.

I also grew up with rejection. I was put into various orphanages practically as a baby on my parents divorce. I was also sexually abused in one of these places.

You sound quite desperate in wanting to know why he did it. How can we explain sin or lust? We know it is wrong but there is something in us that goes ahead anyway. Don't take it too personally.

Personally I find it easy to forgive because I know that Christ has forgiven me and paid the price of my sin. I deserved condemnation but He offers forgiveness if I come to Him. When I did that and asked Him into my life I have never looked back. How can I not extend this to others who need it when I have been forgiven for everything? When he forgives he puts a sign up which says "no fishing". That is the greatest example of forgiveness. By the way He is also the answer to rejection. If God accepts us we are secure in our being and it is pretty plain that he will accept us if we come and receive His forgiveness.

Sorry to preach debz but sometimes it seems appropriate because it is good news.

Raymond