I love you, but not "in" love with you, and I don't want to work things out [Archive]

seven

8th January 2010, 10:46 PM

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, over the last year we've had our ups and downs (mainly downs). This has been mainly due to us drifting apart (he works long hours, we haven't spent any quality "us" time together for nearly 6 months).

He told me a few months ago that he doesn't want children (no particular reason why - just he doesn't) which started the arguments. I couldn't accept the change of heart after all these years together planning for a future and family together. This is where the rows started. Slowly and often, the subject kept coming up, and ended in endless discussions about me begging him to change his mind, to no avail.

He asked for some time apart just before Christmas, and although it took me some time to come to terms with it, i agreed to it, but asked for him to wait until after Christmas.

We barely made it through Christmas - ended up arguing on Christmas eve (because I knew he wasn't being himself and wanted him to tell me how he was feeling about me). He said he didn't want to "do this" over Christmas, so I knew bad times were coming.

He moved out just after Christmas day, to spend time at a friends house. It's been strained and i've wanted answers about what's happening (even though i knew i needed to give him time, I was so upset that my marriage was crumbling, that I felt absolute desperation to try and make it work or try to find out what the problems were from his end).

Anyway, after I pushed for some answers, he came out with it - he loves me, but his feelings have changed, and he isn't in love with me anymore. I asked what we could do to make this right - marriage counselling perhaps? But he said no, and that he doesn't want to make it work, and wants it to be over.

I have asked why he won't try to get those feelings back, and why he won't try marriage counselling with me, or let us work on getting things good again. I've asked him to remember the good times (there were plenty of these) and try to remember how happy we were, and concentrate on getting that back. He said said he doesn't want it back, and just wants to end it. He said that he doesn't see me as part of his future anymore.

I'm absolutely devastated and am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that it's over. I knew we were having problems, but I never ever thought it would end. I always thought there'd be a way to make it work. I keep feeling hurt, then angry, then i'm ok, then the cycle starts again. I know he still cares about me because he sends texts or phones to see how i am, because he hates to see my so upset. He has never treated me badly, is such a caring person, and is my best friend. All of this is making things worse because I just can't work out why he won't give it another go. He just says all he remembers is the "bad times" and the arguments, and that's led to him losing his feelings and connection towards me.

I feel so disappointed that it's ending and we haven't tried "everything". He's since explained to me that he finds me irritating sometimes, and it makes him angry when I question him when I don't get the answer I want (don't all women..?). I've said that i'm willing to work on all of these things, and give him as much space as he wants, if we can just give it another shot. I've even said that i'll reconsider the kids issue, as I just can't face my life without him. I love him so dearly.

After all of my (sometimes desperate) attempts to get him to to reconsider, i'm not actually starting to realise that it's over. And I don't know how to deal with it.

I miss him so much, and i'm still hopelessly in love with him. I just wonder how people move on from this? When does it start to feel better? When do you stop missing that person? How can I ever even think of meeting anyone else when I love him with all of my heart and still want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do i still hold out for reconcilliation even though it seems so impossible at the moment?

Any help or advice gratefully received - feeling very low at the moment :(
p.s. no-one else involved, am 100% certain of that (i kind of wish there was, it would make this easier to deal with and move on from).

dalesman

9th January 2010, 12:32 AM

Hi Seven
Sorry to hear about your problem. From what you say, your husband obviously still cares for you in some ways and so I think all hope is not lost yet. At the moment you need answers and you need to concentrate on persuading him to talk honestly to you. If you can get him to open up you might be able to identify a way to start again. As for him not wanting children, I would suspect this was probably due to his unhappiness in the marriage and I think he would change his mind if everything was OK. Don't be clingy or needy and try not to be too over emotional when you speak to him, we men can be a bit uncomfortable with too much emotion.

rich84

9th January 2010, 12:32 AM

Hi seven and sorry to hear about your predicament... I'm going through something very similar so I can absolutely sympathise with the emotional aching and pain it causes.

Your husband obviously loved and wanted you at some point... he may be simply confused about things or depressed with how his life is turning out. There are times even when you feel your life is a success that you think... is that all there is?

So has he moved out already? If so, you giving him time to himself may be the best thing you can do for now... give him a taste of what life is really going to be like without you - he may go without the arguments but he's going to miss the things that a husband cherishes in their relationship... the warmth, the love, the passion. Hopefully he will come to realise the enormity of his decision.

What you need to do is carry on with your life and become the person you want to be - the best person you can be - and do it without him. Work on the little problems that you perceive in yourself and maybe even attend counselling without him to get a third person's perspective. Maybe further your education? Exercise. If he comes back he will notice the changes straight away. If he doesn't, you'll be a better person for someone else who truly deserves your love.

seven

9th January 2010, 10:24 AM

Wow, thanks so much for the replies - i can't tell you just how comforting it is that someone has read about my situation and taken the time to reply, thank you.

It's actually nice to hear advice from a male perspective - your words echo my thoughts and feelings. I know i've got to leave him alone for a while, and I have real hope that if i do take stock of my life and improve little things (exercise etc) he may take notice. I also know that i've got to stop being such an emotional wreck aroudn him... He said many times that he can't cope with my crying every time we argue. Although i've tried so hard to curb it, it's so difficult when i'm so filled with emotion. It's comforting to hear that it's not just him, and that males in general stuggle with that. I've been stong(ish) over the past couple of days with the crying, and trying to do it more in private - and even then, trying to pull myself together as fast as possible.

Although it's going to be hard, I feel i need to cut contact with him for a while - I really want to see if that could make him realise just how much he misses me. Or if he doesn't... then I suppose my hope will slowly fade.

Your replies have given me that "positivity" I needed to get on with my life. Although i know i'm in for some dark times ahead, I know I need to focus on myself and take care of me. It's just difficult to remember that 100% of the time when i'm feeling so low!

Hopefully the pain will ease each day. Here's hoping.
Thanks again x

Wedgewood

9th January 2010, 10:37 AM

I miss him so much, and i'm still hopelessly in love with him. I just wonder how people move on from this? When does it start to feel better? When do you stop missing that person? How can I ever even think of meeting anyone else when I love him with all of my heart and still want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do i still hold out for reconcilliation even though it seems so impossible at the moment?

Hi Seven and welcome to the forum.

First off all please don't think you are alone, there are many people in similar situations including myself. My wife asked me for space and cutting a long story short we have been separated for about 8 months. I do find it hard sometimes, but I feel like I have turned the corner a few weeks back. To answer your questions above - it is never the same for any two people. Each circumstance has too many variables, but what I will say is this - you can only influence what you do and how you behave. Your husband will do whatever he feels, so just look after your end. You have already been given some great advice - get yourself active, go and buy some new clothes, have your hair done, join a gym - start making changes to your life now. From the sound of it you are very dependant on your husband, yet I think the best thing you can do is stand on your own 2 feet and show him you can sort things out by yourself. I hope that does not sound too harsh, but having been in your situation I speak from experience. Once you have sorted yourself out then you will feel better whatever happens.

Hope this helps you in some small way x

It does get easier so hang in there and think positive (I know its cliché but that is the key to turning things around).

Mark x

Raymond

9th January 2010, 11:09 AM

seven

11th January 2010, 07:36 PM

From the sound of it you are very dependant on your husband, yet I think the best thing you can do is stand on your own 2 feet and show him you can sort things out by yourself. I hope that does not sound too harsh, but having been in your situation I speak from experience. Once you have sorted yourself out then you will feel better whatever happens.Thanks Mark. It's not harsh at all, it's weird because I didn't realise just how dependent I was on him until he left. I'm a very independent person - have a good education, successful career, lots of friends etc, but since he left, it's just made me realise how much I depended on him "just being there". I just find now i'm coming to terms with it, that i'm really dwelling on the stuff that i'm going to miss. It's not even big things, it's the little things, like him just being in my life, and sitting watching tv together etc.

In my head i still can't accept it's over, and it's like i'm expecting him to sort his head out any minute and tell me how sorry he is and what a mistake he's made. I want to stop feeling this way, but I also dont' want to give up hope "just in case". But then I think even if he did change his mind, could things ever get back to normal between us because of the things he's said, and the fact that he left me in the first place...

I'm going to get my hair done etc, and start to feel good about myself again. Hopefully that will be a good start.

seven

11th January 2010, 07:43 PM

You seem to have drifted apart because of the long hours he spent away from home and it seems you wanted to work on it but he doesn't. Men tend to be more lazy in this area until the penny hits home and then it is often too late.

I hope you are right in there being nobody else. How sure can you be?

You have received good advice which I cannot add to. I don't think you should dwell too much on your faults and get into self condemnation. That is not going to help you. We all have faults even within good marriages. It can't be just about your faults. There is more to it than that.

I don't think there is anything there that cannot be worked on together. We used to argue like mad, yes her tears as well. How do you answer tears? Over the years things improve tremendously when you are comitted and working on things so I really hope he will see that and be able to his marriage.

You have to be hoping for the best but be ready for the worse it seems.

RaymondThanks Raymond. It's comforting to read your words and know that others have been through similar experiences with the tears etc, I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me and that I was over emotional. I do feel so disappointed that i can look back on things that I think contributed to the split, and am in a position where I want to put them right, but he won't try. I just find it so difficult to accept that he has no feelings left for me at all, that's the part that hurts the most.

I know I can't be 100% sure there's nobody else, but there have been so many opportunities for him to confess if that was the case when i have pushed and pushed and pushed for explanations for the split. It just doesn't feel like this is about anyone else. I have asked him since, and said it would be easier for me to deal with if this was the case, but he insists it's not.

I just wish I believed in my head that this was the end, then I feel i could try to move on. As it stands, i'm still so hopeful that he'll give us another chance. I'm sure this feeling will subside with time...

Raymond

12th January 2010, 09:45 AM

Theres nothing wrong with you because of the tears Seven unless they were used for manipulation. My wife is a very emphathic person emotionally speaking, which is a gift. The other side is that tears can come during an argument but I am really careful these days in understanding what my words can do. Theres nothing wrong with her being like that. She says she has a Latin temperment although she is English.

I wouldn't rule out someone else. It would be a bad thing for him to admit to as it could be adultery.

As per previous advisers I would try and build yourself up and manage without him. He does sound a bit cold to me. Try and get you independence back. Men find this attractive and you might attract him back, although a part of me wants you to find someone else and raise that family which is in your heart.

Raymond

dalesman

12th January 2010, 02:09 PM

Hi Seven
Please believe me , your emotional state is normal. Dont expect to wake up one morning and feel OK about what has happened in your life. I think when this happens we are permanently scared by the experience. Its something which we eventually learn to live with and accept but we will always feel sad about , however long ago. Its like loosing a loved one through a berevement, in so much as you will always feel a sadness for the loss . Over time we do accept and move on but it is a very gradual proccess. I used to look at friends who had been in this situation and they seemed to move on very quickly in comparrison to the way I was feeling. I thourght that I was abnormal, but then I realised that people put on a front for the outside world and in reality I have yet to meet a person who has been through this who does not carry some permanent baggage. Just accept that it is OK to feel emotional about all this . In time the sadness will dull and you will rebuild.

Raymond

12th January 2010, 07:46 PM

I think we were talking about tears during arguments which hubby complained about Dalesman although your points will apply following a seperation.

Raymond

seven

12th January 2010, 11:31 PM

Hi, the tears actually apply to both situations... he always said he couldn't deal with my constant tears during arguments (they were not to manipulate, it was due to genuine sadness and frustration at the arguments, and genuine heartache about the children situation).

The tears I am dealing with at the moment are completely different - and thankfully he is not seeing me in this state, because no doubt he wouldn't be able to deal with them. I do feel like I am grieving, but worst of all I keep slipping into denial. I'm go to work and act like nothing is wrong - in a way it's a relief because I don't have to deal with what's happening. But then I get home and it hits me, like a ton of bricks. I feel overwhelmed with sadness and loss, and I feel like it's hitting me for the first time all over again.

It's now been a week since we told me he no longer is in love with me and that it's over. I was hoping that by now i'd feel at least a little bit better. As it stands, I think i'm starting to feel worse. My "loss" seems to be growing each day, and the horrible deep feeling of hurt just keeps growing in my stomach.

I'm beginning to feel incredibly lonely, and it scares me that i'm feeling like this after only one week. I've decided to go and stay with my parents for a few days, because I'm scared that i'm starting to spiral into self pity mode if I stay any longer on my own. I've already started to make excuses in my head to not go to work, see friends, attend evening class etc, because I just think I need to get home and go to bed. Thankfully before I actually cancel anything, I manage to pull myself together, and i go, and i'm fine.

Hopefully after a few days of feeling loved and in good company at my parents, i'll start on the long road to recovery.

Raymond - you made a point that really stood out to me: "Try and get your independence back. Men find this attractive and you might attract him back, although a part of me wants you to find someone else and raise that family which is in your heart" I think i've been looking at the future as somehow needing to show him what he's missing, and what a good wife i've been, made him so happy etc etc in order to win him back, but you're so right. In my heart I want all of that, AND a family. Therefore I think I need to start thinking about what exactly I want out of life (and i'm pretty sure that includes kids) and then concentrate on one day hopefully making that happen.

I hate the way i'm feeling today - i'm so low, and am desperate to start feeling at least a little bit more positive. Hopefully next time I post when i'm at my folks, i'll be in a better state of mind.

Thanks again all for the advice and kind comforting words.

Ageing Grace

13th January 2010, 12:55 AM

Glad you're going to have a few days of feeling loved and in good company at your parents, Seven :)

I appreciate why it's important for you to keep your life going - and congratulate you! But it sounds as though some head space is in order, too. Have a good trip. Take care of you.

AG

k1nazari

13th January 2010, 09:38 AM

Hi Seven;
It’s amazing how similar is your situation with mine! If you change all the “he” to “she” it would be my exact life story for last 6 months.
Unfortunately I can’t tell you when and how this feeling will end since I’m still struggling with it but I can tell you , as others well mentioned, we need to stand on our own feet and love ourselves first.
The fact is all relationships have their own ups and downs but it takes two people to cope with them and if your partner doesn’t want to make thing right there is nothing you can do alone.
As far as his reasons for acting so my experience shows me he is not honest with you. There is a big chance that he is involved with something or someone else but he is ashamed to tell you the truth.
So move on, get support from your friends, go to councilor or anything you think could ease your pain and make a better you for you. The pain we feel in our heart is the price we have to pay for loving someone who doesn’t deserve it although it’s very very hard to accept. I’m sure time will heal all the wounds someday.

All the best
K1

Hopefull1983

13th January 2010, 10:34 PM

Seven, this is almost identical to my situation. With me it was slightly different, my marriage didn't collapse because of arguments (although there were some of these towards the end) mine was because my husband developed feelings (nothing physical happened) but he developed feelings for a friend of ours. I could see this happening for months and tried to prevent it by discussing it with him but he brushed it off and said that they were just friends and I was worrying over nothing (I think he actually believed this at the time) but anyway it turned out like I thought I knew my husband better than he knows himself and this was actually what was happening. Anyway, my husband then had the classic 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', this then developed into 'I don't feel the same about you as I used to' which then developed into 'we probably could work on our marriage but I dont' want to' then the classic 'we've been together since we were so young, we've just drifted apart' (we hadn't, by no stretch of the imagination). I've heard all of the classic lines over the past 4 months and each one has broken another little bit of my heart because it's made me feel like my entire 9 year relationship and 15 month marriage, our wedding vows, all of the times he's told me he adores me, loves me with all of his heart...everything, I just fele like it's all be lies. I know deep down that that's not true and that people sometimes do just fall out of love and that's just life but when you really feel that you're married to your soul mate you just don't ever expect them to lose their feelings for you.
I know exactly how you're feeling. Over the past 4 months I've shopped a lot, changed my hair style/colour, bought new make up, lost a lot of weight, carried on going to work (my husband sits a desk away from me in work so this has been particularly tough), took a mini break to clear my head, I've pretty much done it all and yet I still have the classic scenario of feeling 'ok, I'm alright I havent cried for a whole day you're doing good' and then bam, it'll hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm 26 and on the way to a divorce and all I want is to be back living the 'fairytale' life with my 'wonderful' husband that I thought was forever. My husband and I are on really good terms at the moment and that's not to say that I respect what he's doing or I agree with it or I don't want him back but I've decided that ultimately I can't imagine having him not in my life at all, I always want him to at least be my best friend, his family are my family and so I'm moving forwards with our friendship rather than trying desperately to change what I can't controll, the only thing I can control is my life and my happiness and I would very much suggest that you do what you've said and start looking after number one because if you don't no one else will. People keep telling me that time is a healer and initially I didn't take too kindly to this and still now on my 'down days' I feel like I'm never going to get through this but then on my 'up days' I think back to 4 months ago and I feel like I've come much further than I ever expected to at that time so as cliche as it sounds 'time does heal'. You'll never fully recover, you say those vows and truly mean them (well most of us do) and so to even contemplate that it's not actually going to be forever is heartbraking but I am a true believer in the saying 'everything happens for a reason' so hopefully our reason will be tall, dark, handsome, rich and will love us the way we love our husbands. It kills me to even think this but if they were really the 'one' then they wouldn't hurt us like this and maybe this is something we need to realise, I know how hard that is to come to terms with though because the thought that my husband isn't the one for me just seems absolutely ridiculous but unfortunately it could be true.
I hope that your seperation doesn't last as long as mine and that the outcome for you is more positive than it seems mine is going to be but ultimately just look after yourself and that way if he returns then you'll be stronger together rather than just being a quivering mess and if he doesn't then you'll be better prepared for this.

koliver0821

17th January 2010, 03:00 AM

From all the soul searching I've done in the past few days, I've learned a few things. Some of this is probably in some relationship text book and in the next few counseling sessions I will have. I think that most relationships work in terms of wells. Im speaking from a male perspective. But Im fairly certain that the reason you are crying besides the obvious hurting is that your love is not being returned. Your emotional well of love is not being re-supplied. My wife and I have been talking. I have good days and bad days. She's told me that she loves me but not sure she's in love with me. Obviously it hurt. So I decide to give her even more love. Thinking that it will be better off if I show her how important she is. I looked at her statement as my failure to show how much she meant to me. I've never been good at sharing my feelings. Its a struggle and would rather internalize that as much as possible but I know that its killing me inside. So, Ive become a fountain of gooey emotion. Sometimes its good, sometimes it bad, but its all cleansing for me right now. I guess what Im going to say, is what hurts me right now is that my wife could still love me but not be able to return the love Im giving her. At which point, I will be devastated, but for a different reason. Im hurting now because I know I can do better. If it happens later, then I know I was too late.

In your situation, space may be the best thing but I wont tell you it will be easy. None oif it easy. Im sure your guy is worth the mess he is putting you through. But take a step back and look at what you are doing. If hes putting in an effort at all, then by all means hang in there. If not, I suggest you prepare your heart to love again. By the way you write about your situation, you deserve a lot better.

seven

17th January 2010, 11:35 PM

Hi all, and thanks for the replies. It amazes me just how many people are sharing the same pain and emotional hell that I am going through. Although I feel bad for anyone going through this, it is quite comforting to know i'm not alone.

Past few days have been up and down - started to feel so much better about things after a few days at my folks. He called me last week to say hi and to see how I am, which confused me. I said that if he doesn't want to be with me and if definite about ending things, then he shouldn't be contacting me to say hi, because it makes me think he still cares. He said he does still care. I asked if he had changed his mind about ending our marriage, and he said no. I asked him to stop contacting me because i'm not dealing with it very well.

Last night I attended an event which I was originally supposed to be at with my husband. It took a lot for me to go (carrying on with life and all that...) but when I got there I just felt like a spare part. Although it was nice to catch up with people (only a couple of people there actually know about the split, anyone else who asked about him, I just told them he wasn't able to make it) I just felt like I didn't belong. I felt crippled by loneliness when I got home. Being in the house on my own just filled me with sadness that this is how my life is going to be from now on. I got into bed and felt very very sad and empty.

I woke up this morning feeling so low again, and very disappointed that I was starting to feel ok about everything, and now feel back to square one again. I know i've got to expect this, but even though i'm expecting it, it's not easy!

Today I have missed him so much, more than I actually thought possible. I really hope this feeling goes away soon. I started to regret telling him not to contact me - almost texted him just to tell him how much I miss him, but I know that any sort of reply from him will just make me think about him more.

Is there a point at which i'll start to accept this? I just want these feelings of hurt and emptiness to go away, if they carry on for months i'm not sure how i'll cope.

RayCub

18th January 2010, 02:05 AM

Raymond

18th January 2010, 04:24 PM

Raycub speaks a lot of truth Seven. She has been through this.

I think you made the right decision to not have him contact you even though you regretted it afterwards. That took strength and showed you wanted a life based on truth. I can understand how confusing it would be with him trying to help you when he is the one causing this. The tearing after being joined is very painful and was never meant to be.

Raymond

luce

19th January 2010, 02:05 AM

Hi Seven,
I just wanted to say i hear you.

10 days ago my husband moved out after telling me out of the blue that he wanted to live on his own, that he didnt love me anymore and didnt want to work it out. He was blunter than was necessary when he went on to say that i bore him, that when he looked at me he didnt feel anything, that he had no interest in anything i had to say. He firstly said this had been going on since the summer. He then went on to tell me that although he had always cared about me he had NEVER loved me. Ouch

I couldnt breathe, i was shaking and thought i was going to die with pain. I still think i am going to die with the pain but i can breathe again now. I am very up and down. I am still reeling. At this moment i find it hard to imagine i will ever carve a life for myself again. I feel slightly nauseas most of the time, not sleeping, completely off my food. All my boundaries have collapsed and i cry everywhere. In the supermarket, at the post office counter, and lots of other inappropriate places.

He has denied that there is anyone else involved but i think there must be even if it is something he hasnt acted on yet. It is the only thing i can think of. It is like he is lashing out at me to cover his guilt. He has made it about us when really it is about him. I dont buy the stuff he says about having wanted out of the relationship for a while. Now i have had time to reflect i can see that we hadnt been so close for a couple of months although i hadnt really noticed it at time. So I think whatever is going on is recent and it involves someone else (not saying it is same with your husband).

Like you i havent contacted (and boy have i wanted to). The thing is that i am hurting so bad that i feel i am only just about surviving this and i am scared that if i contact him i will be setting myself up for more hurt and dont know that i can survive anymore pain - i might just melt down completely. At the moment it feels like i have lost my marriage - i cant lose my last vestiges of self too. If i do that then i might never claw me back in.

But it is so, so hard. I am so very confused as my husband has always been a kind man and has never said cruel things before. I didnt see it coming, i was completely blindsided. I have adored this man for 16yrs and thought i was luckiest gal alive to be married to my best friend. Now i just want answers but i can see that i am not likely to get them from my husband.

I will look back to see how you are going on.

Hugs Luce

spiderman

19th January 2010, 08:29 AM

Luce id copy and paste this into a new thread of your own to gain some advice and answers.

Its lost in this thread as it stands ?

In the meantime I feel for you, just try to eat sensibly and get plenty of sleep (difficult I know in the circumstances).

Lee

luce

19th January 2010, 08:43 AM

Thanks Lee. Will do. :)

Seven, my apologies. I didnt mean to hi-jack your thread with my stuff.

How are you doing today? :)

Raymond

19th January 2010, 09:30 AM

He has made it about us when really it is about him.

I think there is an awful lot of truth in that statement. I think Struggles first post revealed what is going on in a lot of these cases.

Our thoughts are with you Luce.

Raymond

seven

19th January 2010, 03:27 PM

Hi Luce, first of all you haven't hi-jacked my thread at all, our circumstances seem so very similar - I hope you have taken some comfort from the kind words of others who have replied. It's certainly helped me reading people's words of support, and their own experiences in how they're dealing with the pain.

Secondly, i'm so sorry you're going through this too. 2 weeks on and I still can't believe this is happening. Everything you have written just echoes exactly how I am feeling. My husband was also a very kind and gentle man, and when I remember some of the things he said about how he doesn't love me anymore, and wants to "get rid" of the relationship, it fills me with despair. It's like I'm not believing that he actually said those things - part of my didn't, until he looked me right in the eye and said with certainty that he absolutely doesn't love me anymore.

So I also feel your pain darling, and I really hope we manage to get to a place where all of this feels like a distant memory. I have read other people's threads (notably RayCub) and seen just how much they have moved on over time. In my heart I know i'll get there one day, but it's so hard to even think about that right now.

I, like you, keep going so up and down. One minute I think i'm starting to cope a little better, and start to feel a teeny tiny bit better about everything. Then it takes something so small to drop my mood slightly, and that's it. I'm a mess. Unfortunatley this happened to me over the weekend (see one of my posts above re the event I went to). I felt so low all weekend. Thankfully my parents have been unbelievable and have been there for me. I had another wobbly moment last night - thought I was on top of it all again, then completely melted and felt like it had all just happened all over again. I cried, then cried some more, then went to bed. This morning is a little easier again.

After my strength in not contacting him, I thought it would get easier, but then I got a text from him this morning to say he's opened a new bank account, and wants to talk finances. It hit me like a sledgehammer AGAIN. I'm getting angry at myself for not getting over the tears, i'm getting even angrier that he seems to be dealing with it just fine, and even moving on. I want to scream at him "HOW DARE YOU MOVE ON FROM ME" but he seems to be getting on with it all just fine without a care in the world for me or my feelings.

Underneath, I truly thought he'd wake up one day and realise he's made the biggest mistake of his life, and would ring me and beg me to take him back. I've now been waiting 2 weeks for that phone call, and each day I realise a little bit more, that the call isn't going to happen.

After reading his text about a thousand times this morning, and it really sinking in that he's moving on, i know i've got to move on too. So I replied saying we need to meet to discuss splitting of finances etc and to let me know when he's free. I can't tell you just how much i'm dreading that meet up, but maybe I need to put myself through that in order to accept and believe this is real.

I'm now in the process of booking a holiday - I absolutely need something to focus on and look forward to. At the moment, each day is merging into one, I have no idea what day it is, what i'm doing tomorrow, the weekend, next week. I don't want to carry on like this, and I don't want to feel this hurt anymore.

I know absolutely what you're going through, and will be here whenever you need to talk. As will everyone else on here - they've been amazing to me so far, and this forum is fast becoming a real help in my road to recovery.
xxx

luce

19th January 2010, 09:35 PM

seven

20th January 2010, 11:48 PM

Hi Seven,

I've been reading your thread; I've been on this site for ten months now, after my ex left me last spring telling me he wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't willing to work on anything and had to find himself. Turns out he found his old girlfriend on Facebook which ended our 15 years together.

I'm not going to lie; it's hard. It's so incredibly hard, and some days it's going to feel like you can't even breathe. I missed him and our marriage so much I didn't think I'd ever get through. And, of my god, the tears...I thought I'd never stop crying.

But one day I woke up and I felt better. Not good, not great, but better...like I could actually manage that day...and the next day and the one after that. You're going to feel that too, Seven. You will. You'll have a morning when you wake up and know you can face that day. You'll have a tear-free day. Then you'll laugh one day - not a fake one - it will feel amazing. And one day, you'll actually go for a certain length of time without thinking about him. And then those days will become more frequent, until you're thinking about yourself instead of him.

All these things will happen in time. But...

The feelings of hurt and emptiness ARE going to last for awhile; please don't deny them. Let those feelings come, and deal with them: cry, get angry, yell, smash something (not valuable), scream into a pillow...do it all when you need to. And keep talking to people and posting on here. We KNOW what you're going through. I KNOW...I've been there. It's been almost a year for me, and while my life is so much better now, I still have really hard moments..ones that creep up on me and almost knock the wind out of me. But overall? SO MUCH BETTER!!

It DOES get better, Seven, I promise you that. It just takes time.....

Anytime you need to talk......

Lots of hugs and positive vibes.
Raycub
xoHi there raycub - so sorry, i missed your post and never replied. Thanks so much for the encouraging words. I've read most of your thread, and it's so comforting to see how you've got through all of the crap and got to where you are now. I just hope I can take a little piece of that and keep it in my head to remind myself of where i'll hopefully be in a few months.

I felt rubbish again today, then started to get angry with myself. i feel like i've not moved on in the 2 weeks since it happened, and that got me annoyed. I think it dawned on me yesterday that he's moving on (since the "i've opened a new bank account" text) and although in my head I know I need to move on too, i'm finding is so incredibly difficult. Every minute of every day I find myself thinking about our marriage, and in total disbelief that this is actually happening.

Then tonight I was driving home from work and I got angry at him. I got angry because I was wondering what I have done wrong, and all i could think of was all the things HE did wrong in the marriage. He was a loving and very kind husband, but he always got everything he dreamed of. I made sure of that. I put him first all of the time, and I didn't get that returned. Don't get me wrong, he was never a terrible husband, but there were many times when I didn't feel like I was being put first, and on several occasions this would upset me, but i'd brush it aside.

Tonight it all came out. I must have looked like a loony in the car whilst driving. I was shouting out loud - telling him (although he wasn't there!) just how much he's hurt me, and how many times i've felt second best. I got pretty upset, but it was quite nice to do it alone without anyone there (I really do sound like an idiot don't I?). Anyway, this went on for the entire journey home, and I think I was basically telling him everything I wanted to tell him about how hurtful and ungrateful he's been, and what an idiot he is for leaving me, and just how much I hope he wakes up one day and bitterly regrets what he's done. Pity he wasn't there to hear it all really... But it was quite therapeutic for me in all honesty.

I feel better for it tonight, although i wasn't telling him to his face, it was good to get things off my chest. I think i've justified to myself that it's ok to be angry at him. i've never said a lot of these things to his face because I didn't want to hurt him... sounds strange I know.

Raycub - i've just been reading your reply to luce about how it feels better telling people that your husband left you for someone else, and how it's more embarassing to tell people that he's left because he doesn't love you anymore. I completely know how that feels. I've not told everyone simply for that reason. I am soooo embarassed and HATE the fact that people are starting to pity me. My best friends have been great because they automatically dislike him just for putting me through this hurt, but no-one can believe it. Everyone i've told so far have just said how gobsmacked they are, and that they thought we were inseparable (as did I...). I can tell everyone is wondering what is "really" going on. I also imagine that people are proabably talking behind my back wondering if he's with someone else. I just wish he was - or if he is and hasn't told me, I wish he would say!!

i'm finding all of this so difficult because in all honesty I actually don't think he's got someone else. I'm not being naive in thinking that, I actually think he is telling the truth when he says there isn't anyone else. I really wish there was - and have told him to put me out of my misery and just admit it, but he keeps insisting there isn't. One of the main reasons i don't think he's with someone else, is because he's from another country - and said he has nothing left here anymore, and is thinking of moving back home. Surely if he'd left me for someone else he would want to stay here? I really wish I had that someone to hate, someone to blame for all of this. As it stands, i just have him to hate/love all at the same time. It's really beginning to annoy the crap out of me.

Oh well, at least today is getting slightly easier now i've had my first loony episode and talked, shouted and cried to myself the whole drive home. Beats listening to the radio anyway.
xx

seven

20th January 2010, 11:51 PM

Thanks for kind words Seven. We are both still standing and doing terrific. This forum seems to be full of wonderful giving people too.

I can imagine how the message to meet must have knocked you for six again. Do you need to meet to sort the finances out right now or is that his need?

Thanks to you Raymond for the affirmation that i am not going crazy. :)Hi luce, hope you're doing ok. Just seen your thread about finding out about your husband's affair. I'll post on yours, but just wanted to say "hope you're ok" and we'll get through this. I know we will.

An in answer to the above, yes i think I do need to get the finances sorted. Once i've done that and taken my share of the debt/savings then at least i'll hopefully start to feel more independent. And maybe just seeing my own wages coming in each month will make me realise that i'm on my own... hopefully it will make it more real.

Thinking of you and hope you're not hurting too much xx

RayCub

21st January 2010, 03:31 AM

Hi seven,

Glad something on my thread could offer you some hope and comfort. I got A LOT of exceptional advice from some very wise people while I was going through the toughest of times.

One of the things someone said to me once was when I was talking about him moving on so much more quickly than I was, how I seemed to be suffering much longer than he was, was that he'd had so much more time to accept what was happening: he KNEW he was leaving, so he had time to think about what his future would be like without me in it, where he would go, what he would do, how it would feel to be out of our marriage. All I could do, once he dropped the bomb, was scramble to catch up. He didn't have to go through the "shock" of it all and deal with that emotion first. His realization came to him gradually, so he had all the time in the world to adjust to his new life before he even started it. He PLANNED for it. So did your H. You and I - and so many on here - were forced into this new life, and it's all we can do to keep up with the constant roller coaster of emotions.

Your episode in your car today sounds like JUST what you needed! Get it all out there!! Let him have it, even if he will never hear what you have to say. The very worst thing you can do is keep it inside you. So yell in your car every chance you get. I'm sure the other drivers will appreciate the show, and you've got to be more entertaining than the idiotic announcers on the radio!

As far as being embarassed, don't be!!! And that's an order! HE'S the one who should feel ashamed for what he's doing, for what he's putting you through. YOU hold your head high and be proud of who you are. You're going to get through this with class and style (and several vodkas, but who's counting?), and you're going to end up stronger and better at the end of this journey. It's HIS loss! He's leaving a wonderful woman, and I'm sure he'll wake up one day and realize that, and kick his a$$ for his behaviour.

Keep posting, and if you ever want to talk more privately, you can email me at raycub@live.ca.

I'm sending oodles of positive vibes your way!
RC
xo

luce

21st January 2010, 04:45 AM

Wedgewood

21st January 2010, 10:16 AM

jellybean28

21st January 2010, 03:01 PM

Lesley

23rd January 2010, 09:12 AM

seven

23rd January 2010, 07:16 PM

seven

23rd January 2010, 07:18 PM

Hi Seven,
You really are terrific - you are going through all this yet you still reach out to me. Even if you dont feel it right now it shines out to me that you are a very strong woman.

I have read your every word. It will be 2 weeks for me tomorrow too and like you i dont feel i have moved on at all. But i guess 2 weeks is no time at all compared to how much time we invested in these relationships. And as RayCub said they had time to process it while we were blindsided.

I am sure you are right we will get through this. One of my favourite sayings is when one door closes another one opens but its bloody uncomfortable in the corridor.

Warmest Wishes
Luce.Luce - hang in there, just read your thread and will post on yours. Just wanted to say we're both strong women (like a lot of others on here!). Each day is going to get better - dont' beat yourself up over the odd breakdown day... just embrace it, let the tears out, and start the road to recovery again.

I agree about the "one door closes" phrase. I believe in my heart it's true. I've just think we need to find the radiator in the corridor to keep warm and comfortable :) xx

seven

23rd January 2010, 07:21 PM

Hi Seven,

Just wondering how you are feeling today? There are many people out there in cyberland who care about you and your well-being. Please don't ever think you are alone. Post on here as much as you need to. There are many forum stalkers errm I mean 'friends' :D who will be willing to give you a shoulder and share problems.

Hang in there. There are good things just waiting to happen to us all - I am sure of that!

Mark xHi Mark, thanks so much for your support. Like I have with raycub, I also take inspiration from your personal journey. I just hope i'm as strong as you in a few months time!!

Here's hoping for those good moments - i feel a bit of relief that my dark moments are getting less frequent. I'm now trying to be realistic about my road to recovery - i know it's going to be slow, but i'm hoping things can only get better from here xx

seven

23rd January 2010, 07:24 PM

Hi Seven,

You've had some wonderful advice, which I can't really add to.

Well done for letting off steam in your car, good place to do it when you're alone as no one can hear you. I vent often in the car it helps to pass the time (I have lots of 3hr drives), and these days people just think you're talking on your phone, amazing how many people you see talking when the're alone in the car. ;)

Venting is so much better for your health than bottling things up so go for it if you need to.

I totally agree with Raycub, he's the one who should be embarrassed for what he's done to you, he'll probably kick his own ass when he realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

Take care of yourself.

Hugz JB xxxHi JB, thanks for the hugs :) I can't tell you how much better I felt after venting. I'm definitely going to do it again when the mood takes me!

I do agree that my H should be the one who's embarrassed, but it doesn't help that I feel so crap about it. I keep thinking i wish he'd got someone else, but not sure how i'd deal with that either...

Just trying to concentrate on me for a while :) xx

seven

23rd January 2010, 07:25 PM

Hi Seven

Just read your posts and you're right our story's are painfully similar, which hurts because I kept wanting to read that he had phoned you and told you he was an idiot and wanted to try again :(

I don't really know what else to say - I want to say I hope things get easier and you get over this - but that's like admitting things aren't going to change .... arghh sorry I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

I'll reply more when I can think!!

L
xxHi lesley - i replied on your thread earlier - STAY STRONG!! Don't even worry about what you're writing on here, even if it doesn't make any sense, it's still amazing that you even put your fingers to the keyboard and took the time to reply. Keep taking care of you and let us know how you're getting on xx

seven

23rd January 2010, 07:38 PM

Hi all
Sorry I replied to everyone individually, just really wanted to personally say thanks to all and not do a blanket reply. Each post really makes me feel like i'm not alone. I can't thank everyone enough for their words and support. I feel like i've actually become a little bit obsessed with this forum!! Oh well, as long as it's helping my recovery, i'm not going to worry!

I'm feeling a lot stronger today - not sure if my ranting episode on the car made a difference on Wed night. Thurs night I stayed at a friends house, and then last night I went over to another friend's house for a few glasses of wine. I'm amazed at just how my friends have rallied around me since this happened.

I feel like i'm over the shock and disbelief now (ok "over it" might be a slight exaggeration) I do keep wondering why it's happened, but it definitely feels real now. His message about bank account etc really make me realise that i need to get my own finances sorted (his wages didn't appear in our joint account this week, so he's definitely sorting himself out financially). Therefore i've moved out of my parents, and am now back in our home to get my bills/papers sorted through, and to see what I can afford etc. I was so nervous driving home - how silly. When I got home (not been here for about a week) I looked round looking for evidence to see if he's been here. He has - lots of bits have gone - mainly more of his clothes, and a suitcase. Definitely not planning on coming back then....

So, i changed the sheets on the bed, vaccumed, dusted and lit some candles. Made the place feel more like home :) Tomorrow i'm going to move some furniture around to make it look a bit different and put my stamp on it!

I realised last night that since I texted him on Tues saying we should get together to discuss finances, he hasn't replied. I left the text with a question of "let me know when you're free" and haven't heard a peep from him since. I think this is the longest time ever that i've not heard from him. I'm disappointed, but also quite glad. I suppose it's because I asked him not to contact me - but at the same time I asked to discuss money and now he's gone silent. In a way i suppose it's for the best, because if I carry on being as strong as I feel right now, then when I see him i'll not turn into a wobbly mess! Also it's giving me time to go through all of the finances - so when we do get together i'll know exactly what's what and will hopefully have my own plan.

So all in all, today's a good day. Well, as good as good can be bearing in my my husband left me nearly 3 weeks ago!

I'm starting to plan small things in my diary which is helping - tomorrow is my neice's birthday, so going to see her for a few hours. Next week i've planned to see a friend one night. Small steps!!

Thanks everyone again - i'm really hoping I keep this positive frame of mind. I upset myself thinking about what a wreck I was 3 weeks ago, so i'm trying not to think about it anymore, and keep planning these small steps.

A slightly smiling seven xx

luce

23rd January 2010, 07:47 PM

Good on you Seven! love Luce. x

seven

23rd January 2010, 11:52 PM

Good on you Seven! love Luce. xThanks Luce! Hope you're feeling a bit better tonight.
i've just blitzed the house - cleaned and tidied everything the way I like it :)
Now just about to have a little glass of wine before bed. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow with a lovely clean and tidy house, i'll feel ready to tackle the finances...

S xx

Wedgewood

23rd January 2010, 11:58 PM

Thanks Luce! Hope you're feeling a bit better tonight.
Now just about to have a little glass of wine before bed.

Sounds like a plan!

Be kind to yourself,you have alot going on at the moment and it is great to see you meeting things head-on - but dont ever forget to have some 'me time'.

Mark x

seven

24th January 2010, 12:37 AM

Sounds like a plan!

Be kind to yourself,you have alot going on at the moment and it is great to see you meeting things head-on - but dont ever forget to have some 'me time'.

Mark xThanks Mark, I hear you. I think these past 2 days i've been trying to stay really positive, and am so busy trying to keep this train of thought, that I suppose underneath I am a little scared that it could all come crashing down at any moment. I really do think i'm only feeling good(ish) because I haven't heard from him. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. I'm sure the moment he texts me next, i'll start to feel down again, so i'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts!

Lost of things scaring me about the future, but i'm really trying to just concentrate on this week for now, and take each day/week etc at a time. I really hate the feeling of uncertainty that comes with this, but i've got no option but to just get on with it.

I'm hoping tonight is the first night I sleep through the night without waking up in the early hours. Hopefully the glass of wine will help.

Thanks for your kind words, you've been really great to me and everyone else on here - you really should know that. I hope you're doing ok too xx

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 12:59 AM

I am fine thanks for asking.

In the begining i was unable to convince myself that i could handle things alone. Now i have to say that the tables have turned and i genuinely believe that i am happier than my ex. I do want a woman in my life and i would 'prefer' if it was her, but i dont NEED anyone. I know now i can cope alone with a little help from friends and family.

I hope you sleep ok. It does help tremendously when you can. Having a glass of wine or two is a good idea, but not to many as alcohol disturbs sleep in lots of people.

I am quite lucky in a way as i never really missed out on much sleep, the trouble i have is with anxiety. I got ssri's from the doctor for this (and my depression) and it helped me no end. I am happier now than i have been for a few years, i just wish it didnt take the breakup of my marriage for me to get help. Still, got to look forwards and not backwards.

Mark xxx

seven

24th January 2010, 01:40 AM

That's so wonderful to hear Mark. Forget that it took the marriage breakup to get to where you are now, the most important this is that you're actually where you are.

You do seem very happy from your posts - and incredibly positive. I'm just hoping in a few months time i'll be feeling the same as you. i don't want to move on yet, and i'm not going to get down about that, because i'm pretty sure it's normal.

It's great to hear that you believe you're happier than your ex - I truly think you probably are. I think when people leave a marriage, they must be thinking that life on the other side will be so much better (and in some cases i'm sure it is). In our situations where there isn't really a specific reason, it's hard to contemplate what is so appealing about "the other side". I can't even begin to think what my H was thinking when he left me. I have been spending a lot of time wondering if he is relieved or glad it's over. I'd like to think he's missing me terribly and can't get the last 8 years of being with me out of his head. Instead he's opening bank accounts and sorting his "new" life out. One day, just one day, I hope he realises what a mistake he's made. I know i'm a bloody good catch, and I know i've been an incredible wife, and I just can't help wondering why he's not thinking that he was so lucky to have me (can you tell i've had a couple of glasses of wine..?! It's all me me me now!).

i've been very guilty of every so often, shouting "BLOODY MEN!" when the mood takes me. However, I'm going to stop doing that now, because reading some of the incredibly kind and sympathetic comments on here from you and some of the other guys, I realise not all men are the same. Thanks for reassuring me that there are good ones out there!!

Keep your positive journey going Mark - you've come a long way, and it's all going to be good from here.
S xx

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 01:54 AM

Well i am not being funny, but i did find the need to stand up for my sex, they have been given a bit of a bashing on here lol

I am glad you still have a sense of humor, it will serve you well in the time to come.

You are right not to give up yet, but just see reality for what it is. Dont look for answers or hidden meaning, just keep focusing on you. I am sure one day your H will realise what he has thrown away, by which time it maybe too late. Who knows, you may meet Brad Pitt down in tescos.....

Mark

JWD

24th January 2010, 10:34 AM

It's great to hear that you believe you're happier than your ex - I truly think you probably are. I think when people leave a marriage, they must be thinking that life on the other side will be so much better (and in some cases i'm sure it is). In our situations where there isn't really a specific reason, it's hard to contemplate what is so appealing about "the other side". I can't even begin to think what my H was thinking when he left me. I have been spending a lot of time wondering if he is relieved or glad it's over. I'd like to think he's missing me terribly and can't get the last 8 years of being with me out of his head. Instead he's opening bank accounts and sorting his "new" life out. One day, just one day, I hope he realises what a mistake he's made. I know i'm a bloody good catch, and I know i've been an incredible wife, and I just can't help wondering why he's not thinking that he was so lucky to have me (can you tell i've had a couple of glasses of wine..?! It's all me me me now!).

i've been very guilty of every so often, shouting "BLOODY MEN!" when the mood takes me. However, I'm going to stop doing that now, because reading some of the incredibly kind and sympathetic comments on here from you and some of the other guys, I realise not all men are the same. Thanks for reassuring me that there are good ones out there!!

How brilliant are you Seven!

You are so calm and rational and taking everything in your stride. I'm so pleased that you are sorting out finances. I think women take much longer on the emotional side of divorce and end up getting financially screwed.

Whay you say re our partners makes sense to me. I think they get so carried away planning their new life that they are basically avoiding what they have and are doing. Its all planning, like they planned for god knows how long to leave before letting us know so we are constantly catching up. As you say, they think the grass is greener, I think its immaturity on their part.

I think you're going to be just fine Seven and your husband is a very silly man. xx

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 10:42 AM

I could not agree more with JWD, you are doing fantastic A* for you x

I am sure that my wife thought the grass was greener, but it rarely turns out that way.

Keep doing what you are doing and keep us posted xx

Mark

seven

24th January 2010, 11:09 AM

Thanks JWD! I do feel surprisingly calm - although I can assure you I wasn't feeling like this 2 weeks ago. If i'm completely honest I think I scared myself with just how low I got, and how the crying turned to desperation. I scared myself with the very irrational thoughts that kept going through my head when I believed my life was over. I thought I couldn't exist without him. I absolutely never EVER want to feel like that again.

Now I'm starting to accept this is real - gone are the initial moments when I thought I could change his mind. Although I hate that this is happening, i'm not in denial anymore. It was probably the kick up the backside I needed when he told me about his bank account etc.

I do wonder if he's any idea what i'm going through - but in reality I dont' think so. I think he moved on months ago, and that's possibly why he couldn't understand why i've been such an emotional wreck recently. i gave him more credit than he deserved - I thought underneath he wanted this to work too. I do torture myself wondering when he decided it was over in his head though. And i'm still searching for the "reason" and keep niggling myself about if there's someone else - even though in reality I really don't think there is. Mind's are great at playing tricks sometimes when you need it the least.

The other thing that's really helped me is this forum. One of the problems I had, was that every time I wanted to tell him how low I was feeling, and how desperate I was to work things out, he just got angry (mainly at my crying) and we'd end up rowing. On this forum i've been able to pour out my inner most feelings, and when someone's actually listened to me, and given advice based on what i've written - specifically to my feelings, it's been incredibly therapeutic. It's been like having a whole host of people responding to ME. And for that I thank you all. I also thank you all in advance, because I know i'm going to be on here a lot more - however long it takes me to get to the other side!

I know i'm not over it, by any means, but my major first hurdle was to stop the crying and desperation and the absolute shock. And I think i've now jumped over that hurdle. I think i've got a whole marathon of hurdles to come, but i'm so proud of myself for getting over that first one.

Thanks for the A* Mark! In fact I think we need A*'s all round.
I'm off to Tesco's later - hopefully i'll bump into Brad Pitt, any ideas which aisle he'll be on?
S xx

JWD

24th January 2010, 11:26 AM

He got angry because he felt guilty. When you feel guity, you feel the need to defend yourself and therefore you attack.

I so know exactly what you mean. My very first thought was ok I'll just need to kill myself now. Why? how did I manage for 28 years to live and breathe without him, why did I think I'd die without him. I got myself into an awful state and I think once you spiral like that, the only way to go is up. I knew I was going crazy and I knew that i just needed to feel better again.

I no longer wonder why, mainly because he is such a liar that if he told me it was raining I'd have to look out the window. I'm probably not facing it but thats ok, I don;t want to know just how much he may have hated me at that point and I don't really think I care any longer.

There is a whole new world out there with plenty of nicer people.

JWD

24th January 2010, 11:27 AM

Brad will be in the creche with all those kids - not even brad makes my standards these days lol

seven

24th January 2010, 11:45 AM

jellybean28

24th January 2010, 01:11 PM

Oh JWD - that's exactly how I felt. I can't believe the thoughts of not wanting to live went through my head. And like you say - when you've managed to live quite happily for so many years without him, why do you react like that? I suppose it's because I forgot who I was back then before I met him. That's the bit i'm now hoping i'll start to rediscover. i don't want to go back to how dark I was feeling, but I think i was desperate to know if he was feeling that way too - that's why I couldn't let go. I'll never know if he was feeling that desperate, but looking back, I now think he was going through that some months ago.

So glad to hear I wasn't the only one who felt like that. I can remember feeling so broken that I came so close to not being here. I had an appointment with my GP for something else and as I was leaving he asked me if I was Okay, well I just lost it and told him how I was feeling, he asked why I hadn't done anything silly at which point I began to laugh and told him I hadn't changed my will and there was no way that b@3%#$D was going to get out of paying me my settlement. :rolleyes: My GP smiled at me and reasurred me that I was a survivior and would be OK. Don't know why I shared that with you seven, hopefully it will help you in some way. I do feel embarrased that I got so low, but it did make me realize just how strong and capable I am.

I took Bradd Pitt out of my little black book, too many kids for me.:eek:

If I was up for a challenge HOUSE would be an intresting project, have to get rid of What's her name who he's in love with. :D

JWD

24th January 2010, 01:22 PM

Yeah its normal. i even bought paracetamol but like you couldn't stand the thought of him getting insurance money LOL. i then began wishing him dead, hated that but again its normal to feel like that.

Ohj I love house. A mixture of Quincy md, david attenborough and bear grylls - that the man I'm after lol

luce

24th January 2010, 01:38 PM

I know it's a long way off, but the main thing is that i KNOWi i'm capable of feeling that way - I just need to get through the next few months in order to get there.

With you there Seven. I am quite quickly getting a sense of will be simply stunning without him. You sound so different now that it is incredibly to witness. Love Luce.

seven

24th January 2010, 09:24 PM

Hey all. Jellybean, thanks for sharing that - takes guts to share something like that.

Jellybean & JWD - Isn't it funny how we're embarrased about moments like that. I thought I was completely alone in feeling so stupid for getting that low, but seems like it's more common than I thought. I hate to remember how low I felt, until mentioning it on here, i'd actually blocked it from my mind because it was too painful to think about. It's actually good to get it out in the open because it makes me realise that i'm certain i'll never ever get like that again.

Luce - thanks so much. I actually feel different. I'm still having wobbly moments, but somewhere inside i've developed and found some strength. I don't know where it's come from, but i'm hanging on to it, and it's getting stronger and stronger each minute.

Today was a bit hard. It's my niece's birthday so all of the family were together - parents, sisters - their husbands, and all their kids. It was wonderful to see them all, but the first time we've all been together since the split, and I did feel like the "one on her own". My brothers in law were great and simply asked how I am without asking or delving any further. I later found out that one of them said to my mum that my H is an idiot for leaving because i'm beautiful, successful, and have a great personality :) and my other brother in law said that there's only one loser in all of this - my H. That made me smile. Although it was really hard being there today on my own, I realise that next time will be easier, and the time after that even easier etc etc.

Hope everyone's ok tonight xx

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 09:29 PM

I am great thanks for asking :)

It is hard first time around to go to any engagement, but as you rightly say - each time gets easier. Keep up the good work and rememeber you are #1

Mark x

RayCub

24th January 2010, 09:32 PM

Hi Seven,

ALL of the firsts are unbearable! You just get though them the best way you know how, and hopefully the people around you will act appropriately! I'm still going through firsts too, and probably will be for awhile because of our kids.

You're doing sooo well, Seven!! Be VERY proud of yourself!

Ray
xo

JWD

24th January 2010, 09:33 PM

your mind is a strange thing. I blocked many bad memories out, then had to deal with the flash backs. I even stopped remembering my dreams for months and months.

You stay stong and you are a beautiful, successful woman with a great personality. You deserve so much better and you know what? you'll get it xx

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 09:39 PM

I later found out that one of them said to my mum that my H is an idiot for leaving because i'm beautiful, successful, and have a great personality :)

Are you doing anything on Friday? :D;):p

Mark x

JWD

24th January 2010, 09:43 PM

LOL MARK ahahahahahah

RayCub

24th January 2010, 09:55 PM

Mark!! hahahahaahahaha!!!!!!!!!

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 10:14 PM

Why are you both laughing? you are so cruel, I was serious..... :)

RayCub

24th January 2010, 10:30 PM

I have no doubt that you were serious!!!! THAT'S why we're laughing!!!!

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 10:34 PM

D'oh... Oh well :(

RayCub

24th January 2010, 10:40 PM

No, no......good laughing!! We're behind you all the way!!!!!! Way to go for it!!!

seven

24th January 2010, 10:47 PM

That's the first time i've had a proper HUGE grin on my face in a LONG time :):):)

Mark, you really know how to make a girl feel good!!!

You guys are amazing :)

Wedgewood

24th January 2010, 10:49 PM

Mark, you really know how to make a girl feel good!!!

No, actually I REALLY know how to make a girl feel good :D;):p

Mark x

Lesley

24th January 2010, 10:50 PM

haha Thanks for putting a smile on my face too :)

You guys make a cute couple lol

spiderman

24th January 2010, 11:57 PM

Mark you are getting the hang of this online dating now.....go straight for the jugular ha ha lol

Wedgewood

25th January 2010, 12:16 AM

Lol another thread hijacked - oh well, at least I made Seven smile. Thats got to be worth something :) anything to make a woman happy :)

spiderman

25th January 2010, 12:33 AM

Mark you really do say the right things mate....im impressed :cool:

Wedgewood

25th January 2010, 12:40 AM

Must be pure luck. Still, at least it is good practice for my dating :)

seven

25th January 2010, 08:49 PM

AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH feeling down again tonight :( I've been doing so well, and been so positive, and tonight i'm feeling poo. Can't stand this being so up and down! I just want to be UP!

Been to the hospital today. I'll not go into detail on here, it's nothing sinister, but consultant said i probably have 2 choices - I can either opt for medication (probably for life) or surgery. I don't want either :(
If I opt for nothing, the condition could lead to me being infertile. Oh the irony... The reason my H first started acting differently was because he changed his mind about kids, and I didn't.

I just want to talk to him. He knew just before he left that i'd been referred to the hospital, but he's not been in contact to ask how i've got on. I just want to talk to him and tell him and have him here with me to talk this through.

I haven't cried in days, and i'm getting close to it tonight. Early night and a hot chocolate is in order me thinks.
xx

JWD

25th January 2010, 08:54 PM

Cry if you need to seven. you can email me if you need to. xxxxxxx

Wedgewood

25th January 2010, 09:05 PM

We are here for you Seven - as JWD said - crying is theraputic too.

You can always email us - we are happy to help.

An early night sounds like a great idea, if you are not too emotional to sleep.

I had to go to the docs earlier about my depression and I told him for the last few days I have felt down and he said something great to me 'How does a person know if they are happy if they have never been sad?' It made me realise that even 'normal' people have ups and downs - so just take the rough with the smooth. Some days I get up and I just feel crappy for no reason, not my X, not anything in particular - it just happens.

I dont want to write a load of negative stuff, but I guess what I am saying is use the way you are feeling now as a reference point. Then when things get better (which they no doubt will), you can look back and see how far you have come (and it is a long way already dont forget).

Mark x

seven

25th January 2010, 10:10 PM

Thanks guys, stopped crying - didn't really have a big weeping session, just a couple of tears. The buggers just crept up on me.

Mark I like what your doc said. I can't wait for the day i can look back on this and see how far i've come. I'm at snails pace at the mo, hopefully next week i'll become the tortoise :)

xx

luce

26th January 2010, 11:16 PM

It is terribly up and down i know Seven. Not just from day to day but from hour to hour. How have you been today? :)

Wedgewood

26th January 2010, 11:26 PM

Just checking in to see how y'all are doing :)

No news is good news I hope.

Thinking of you x

Mark

seven

27th January 2010, 12:18 AM

Hey guys, thanks for the messages. Still bloody up and down, been a bit crap yesterday and today, but i'm doing ok. Few tears, but not the weepy sessions i've been used to.

I hate the fact that i'm missing him terribly still, and what's getting me down is that i'm constantly wondering what he's up to and if he's missing me. I'm also pretty devastated that he hasn't contacted me to see how I got on at hospital, but I suppose realising what an arse he is, is probably doing me good in the long term.

Possibly wondering if I came back from my folks to the house a little too early.. the company was doing me good. I may go back for the weekend for a bit of a boost.

Hope everyone else is doing ok xx

GTW

27th January 2010, 12:35 AM

....tortoise.... :)

This reminded me of my X and I talking about going to a fancy dress party one time, we thought we might go as a tortoise......her name is Michelle so you can pretty much guess the rest :D

It is strange how we deal with our own individual situations differently isn't it. seven, you say that you can't help wondering if your X is thinking of you and was hurt because he failed to inquire about your hospital visit but I seem unable to wonder what my X might be thinking and don't seem to yearn for similar attentions. Not in any way having a pop, just interesting that two different people in similar circumstances suffering in opposite plights.

seven

27th January 2010, 12:59 AM

Love the fancy dress idea :)

I hear what you're saying GTW - I just wonder if it depends how far into this you are. This is all still really new to me, only 3 weeks ago tomorrow did he actually tell me he didn't love me and ended our marriage. Even though it's not as raw anymore, it's still incredibly fresh in my mind. Stuff like the hospital visit, even though not serious, but has it's implications, was something he knew about, as I went to the GP over xmas, and he was here for that, and knew how worried I was about it (and he seemed pretty concerned for me too..)

I'm hoping in a few more months i'll be too busy thinking about myself to think about him. I suppose it's pretty normal to still be thinking of him at this stage. But the more he's away, the more it'll become "out of sight out of mind" i suppose? Here's hoping anyway.

GTW

27th January 2010, 01:18 AM

3 weeks is not long at all, I was a mess at that point in my proceedings. As time goes by I just get tired of thinking about it, kind of 'shut down' I suppose. Talking and writing about it has been a powerful tool in dismantling the hurt, for me at least.

seven

27th January 2010, 01:23 AM

I agree, talking and writing about it has been immense in my healing so far. I can't believe I found this forum and the wonderful heart warming souls that come with it. The support I have received on here has helped me through my darkest moments so far. I never knew that i would gain so much just from observing how others have survived through similar times. Also, just feeling other people's support has helped me to share more on here, and the advice i've received has been amazing.

Sometimes I don't even think I need advice, I just feel better for writing down how i'm feeling. So thanks again everyone just for listening :)

GTW

27th January 2010, 01:35 AM

One thing I have noticed is that us, the 'dumpees' if you like, seem to like/need to talk about our situations where as the 'dumpers' seem to keep it more to themselves. I wonder if it is because they are more often further advanced emotionally or that people don't seem to be sympathetic to their cause? Just a thought.

JWD

27th January 2010, 02:32 AM

I can only speak from the experience of being dumped for another person, but yes, I think its because they feel guilty, judged by others and most probably trip themselves up with all the lies.

Also I can imagine how irritating it must be to just want away from us, the dumpees, they donlt want to look at our wee sad faces and feel responsible for all the upset so they just run from it or turn it around in many cases to being our fault?

I think the the people rejected tend to beat themself up for their reactions and behaviour towards it too.

I probably have an unhealthy 'need' to undertand why I took it so badly. Its partly due to embarrassment. I'm embarrassed that I didn't cope with it and I'm embarrassed that he knew I didn't cope. The thoughts of his repeating to anyone what happened in the first few days does kind of torture me.

I'll get over it soon enough but I do find it strangely fascinating my reactions to the whole situation.

pitbull

27th January 2010, 12:47 PM

From talking to a family law solicitor they said to me that the person that says the ILYB (I love you but) is further advanced emotionally, they already had the decision in their head months ago and therefore we (dumpees) are playing catch up.

seven

27th January 2010, 01:01 PM

hi pitbull, the more i'm thinking about my situation, and the more i'm attempting to come to terms with it, this really does ring true.

At no stage throughout him ending it, did I ever see him heartbroken or upset. For the majority of our relationship we were inseparable and whenever i was away with work for a few nights, he would miss me terribly and be so happy to see me when I got back. he's now lived away for just over 3 weeks, and i've only heard one time where he got a little upset when he called me and i told him that i'd informed my parents about the split. He got upset because he couldn't cope with the idea of them being angry with him

It's almost laughable now that I realise he never ever shed a tear for me (not that i know about) but showed emotion about my parents... I do believe he emtionally moved on from me months ago. Shame he didn't want to do anything about it and took the cowards way out and left.

This is a bit of a revelation to me though, because I couldn't understand why there wasn't any emotion in him when he left, and was beating myself up over it. Now I truly believe his emotion had already gone, and now i'm concentrating on playing a huge amount of catch up

Helen_uk

27th January 2010, 01:17 PM

It's form of self protection too I think. A kind of denial That way they can *feel * they've done nothing wrong.

seven

27th January 2010, 01:26 PM

that's an interesting point helen. I often wonder if he feels what he did was wrong... but i keep thinking he probably told himself it was the "right" thing to do. <insert rude word about him here>

Wedgewood

27th January 2010, 01:37 PM

Hey Seven,

I know its natural to wonder about other peoples actions and feelings, but ultimately it doesn't change anything, nor does it accomplish anything. Just focus on you, you are doing so great - much better than I did in the beginning. I'm kind of busy in work at the moment, but will catch up with you later. Just felt the need to post and give some support.

Go you - your doing great, just a minor setback :)

Mark x

Helen_uk

27th January 2010, 01:40 PM

I think they know deep down that the way they've gone about things isn't right... but the less they talk about it , especially to you, the more they can convince themselves they were right..

Plus I also strongly believe they haven't the guts to see how much hurt they've caused..so it's easier on them not to be drawn into emotional discussions and having as little contact as they can manage stops them having to face your pain.

My ex is very strong emotionally and showed little sign outwardly of caring at all . 3 years down the line he did admit that he hated himself for what he'd done but saw no point in showing it. I told him that was fine cos at the time I hated him too . :)

seven

27th January 2010, 01:55 PM

I told him that was fine cos at the time I hated him too . :)that just made me laugh out loud helen :)

i completely agree with everything you've said. My H is also incredibly strong emotionally - he see's displaying emotion as a weakness, which is why i suppose he got so angry when I cried during the past few months. He would keep saying "you're stronger than this" but I felt like I was dying inside, and couldn't find any strength to stop crying. I think I cried more at the time because he wasn't showing any emotion - and I really couldn't understand that. There were a couple of times he texted when he first ended it a couple of weeks ago saying he couldn't bare the thought of me being so upset, and how the vision of me being so devastated and shaking with hurt and panic was haunting him. I felt like screaming "TRY EXPERIENCING IT RATHER THAN JUST WATCHING IT".

I've no doubt he feels guilt, but because he's not seeing or speaking to me, i'm sure that feeling for him has faded over the last 3 weeks. He's not seeing any of my weak moments, and is clearly thinking about shaping his future, rather than looking back on the marriage and thinking about what he has lost.

Mark - thanks for your message. It means a lot. I'm ok, couple of days of being miserable, but i'll bounce back i'm sure. I'm accepting that i'm going to feel like this. Taking everyone's advice and just taking one day at a time!!

xxx

jellybean28

27th January 2010, 02:30 PM

I have to say I don't always think not showing emotions is a sign of being emotionally strong, in my Ex' case I think he's just emotionally cold.

The first time I saw him cry in the 30+years I've been with him was the night he told me he wanted to separate, I think he realized how deeply he had hurt me as he watched me collapse onto my knees sobbing uncontrollably. To be honest in some mad way I enjoyed making him cry.
The last time I got that upset was at his nephews funeral (he was stillborn), it was a few weeks after I had misscarried my youngest son's twin. No one knew about the misscarriage, except him so they all blamed it on pregancy hormones thankfully. My Ex was the onlyone out of his three brothers who didn't shed a tear, his mum is like it to, when someone gets upset she gets a funny look as if she's terrified she's going to catch something. Stong be buggered just cold hearted and weak.

Sorry for that little outburst, I spent years holding in my emotions for fear of my ex seeing me as being weak.

Hey seven I hope your'e feeling better, hey girl enjoy a good cry or emotional outburst it's so good for the health. Emotional constipation is awful and makes you age just ask my Ex. :D

Helen_uk

27th January 2010, 02:40 PM

The strange thing is JB my ex is not that way with other people... A few years ago on a trip to Brighton I saw him get quite upset over a young teenage girl who'd obviously been " stood up " by friends quite late at night.. it really worried him that a young girl was out on her own that late...He never seemed to have a problem showing his emotion in strange situations, but when we split it was like he'd flicked a switch and turned all emotion off..

He'd had a very lonely childhood with parents who were abusive to each other and their kids and had developed away of withdrawing into himself.. guess that came in handy while he convinced himself it was fine to have an affair with an 18 year old !

He watched me cry with no flicker of emotion and then basically just walked away.. One of the things I love about present guy is he has no problem showing emotions , he can be a big softy . I always went for the strong silent types before , this time I got a bit of an open book.. it makes a nice change .

Sorry for the hi-jack seven ... Come on here and let off steam as much as you like .. I still do at times :)

seven

27th January 2010, 02:56 PM

Hey ladies - no need for apologies, the hijacking is so good for me. Reading your stories honestly helps like you wouldn't believe.

I'm not sure what my H is emotionally to be honest. He can be cold about things, but then the next minute get quite emotional about miniscule things. One thing he couldn't control brilliantly was his temper. He never used it on me, and I never for one minute ever felt scared by it, because he always used it against himself. Over the SMALLEST things. Big things he seemed to deal with very well without a flicker of emotion (see marriage breakup...) but I recall one day when he dropped his mobile phone and it smashed on the floor. Bloody hell i've never seen someone so angry...

When my nephew was getting bullied at school, my H got quite upset about it, and felt so helpless that he couldn't do anything about it. So he must have emotion in there somewhere... just not for me obviously!

Thankfully i'm nowhere near as upset as I thought i'd be today. I think the past couple of days have been a strain because of the hospital thing and the possibility of finding out i could be infertile. Life does well and truly suck sometimes. But hey, i haven't got many wrinkles (yet) so i'd better keep up with the emtional laxitives :) on a side note, everyone always thought my H was much older than me (he's 18 months younger) so if your theory is correct JB, he maybe could pass as my dad now... :)

luce

27th January 2010, 02:56 PM

I'm ok, couple of days of being miserable, but i'll bounce back i'm sure. I'm accepting that i'm going to feel like this. Taking everyone's advice and just taking one day at a time!!

xxx

Ah bless you Seven. It is soooo damn hard. Know that i am thinking of you and sending a hug through cyberspace right at ya. :)

jellybean28

27th January 2010, 03:28 PM

Seven the fertility thing is a drain, both physically and emotionally.From someone who been there my heart goes out to you. On the rare occasions I had to go into hospital my Ex dumped at the hospital entrance and left me to make my own way home after. I even apoligized to him when I miscarried my youngest son's twin because work wise it was inconvieniant for him.

"When my nephew was getting bullied at school, my H got quite upset about it, and felt so helpless that he couldn't do anything about it. So he must have emotion in there somewhere... just not for me obviously!

The strange thing is JB my ex is not that way with other people... A few years ago on a trip to Brighton I saw him get quite upset over a young teenage girl who'd obviously been " stood up " by friends quite late at night.. it really worried him that a young girl was out on her own that late...He never seemed to have a problem showing his emotion in strange situations, but when we split it was like he'd flicked a switch and turned all emotion off.."

It makes you wonder doesn't it.

seven

27th January 2010, 03:51 PM

Thanks Luce :) sending big hugs right back at you :) Hope you're doing ok too - i know we're all going through this crap at the same time. I do keep checking back to see how you're getting on.

JB my heart goes out to you, that is absolutely awful what you have experienced, and especially what he put you through. I totally know what you mean about saying sorry for the STUPIDEST of things. Looking back I apologised for just about everything that was going wrong in the whole world. It became a stupid habit that I would apologise hoping that he would tell me it's not my fault and that everything would be alright. He once accused me of playing "the victim" I suppose he was right.

it does make you wonder what goes on in their heads - i'm beginning to realise i'll never know, and not to waste precious time trying to understand.

Helen_uk

27th January 2010, 03:59 PM

Hmm a common vein appearing her.. We all seemed to spend quite a bit of time apologizing to them , when in fact it should have been them apologizing to us....

From now on I think we need to make a pact NOT to apologize for being ourselves .

I even found myself apologizing to *dearest *ex for checking his phone despite the fact it was full of explicit texts AND he'd run up a gigantic mobile bill phoning ow ( oops I mean girl , not woman ! )!

seven

27th January 2010, 04:07 PM

What a great idea Helen. From this day forth... I promise NEVER to apologise for being ME :)

jellybean28

27th January 2010, 04:12 PM

Thanks for your kind words seven.

When we first separated and I needed to ask my Ex anything I would start of with "I'm sorry" :rolleyes:.

My Ex always made the decisions or worse still told me what I should have. The other day when I was out at the Pub with a friend I apologized for to her because I don't drink beer and asked if it was Ok if I had a southern comfort and coke instead of wine. Thank goodness she understands where I was coming from having been there herself she's 10yrs post divorce.

I know I'm moving on when I sent him an email today. No I'm sorry, just a polite thank you at the end, as I would do with anyone. Baby steps.

BTW I don't think all men are like this, I know some wonderful kind and considerate men just have to visit here to see that, they have been through just as much with their ExW's as we have with our Ex's. When you think about it, it must be harder for them as men are just expected to pick themselves up and get on with it.

signing the pact Helen I won't apologize for being myself JB

seven

27th January 2010, 04:17 PM

JB & Helen - I can't tell you what a relief it is to know it wasn't just me who said sorry for the stupidest of things. Even though I knew I was saying it, I still kept on bloody apologising for everything. At one point he did actually tell me to stop apologising for everything. My answer? "I'm sorry..."

Never again x

Wedgewood

27th January 2010, 04:19 PM

Just skimming over the posts and it is great to see such solidarity between you ladies.

GIRL POWER!

Mark x

Helen_uk

27th January 2010, 04:30 PM

Thanks Mark.. but it's not a "them and us " thing.. it's for anyone who's sorry about always saying sorry ...:)

Wedgewood

27th January 2010, 04:41 PM

I didn't mean it that way, I just thought it was nice you all rallying around each other x

jellybean28

27th January 2010, 04:51 PM

I agree Helen it's not a them and us thing.

It would be interesting if we could have a man's perspective on having a wife he feels he has to say sorry to all the time.

I knew a man ages ago a really nice guy who's wife abused him, she made his life hell. He couldn't talk to anyone as the few mates he still had left were policemen and he was to embarrassed to say anything.

My heart went out to him so much worse for a man to be in this situation, rare but it happens.

Mark I have the same empathy anyone going though a rough time

jellybean28

27th January 2010, 04:56 PM

Hey Mark you just managed to get in before me. Happy give you all the support you need just ask and I'll be there. :)

Helen_uk

27th January 2010, 04:58 PM

I know Mark.. just wanted to be clear.. I don't think apologizing all the time is just a woman thing , anyone can be co-dependant or made to feel " in the wrong " all the time.

Just letting all you boys know it's a pact for all .
x

Wedgewood

27th January 2010, 05:03 PM

Well the good thing I suppose is I don't need so much support anymore :) There is strength in numbers, and you are all doing a great job of helping each other (after all that is what we are all about right). I have recieved a lot of help since I joined this forum, but now I plan to turn the tables and give something back.

I am not on here to defend my sex, just compliment the people who take the time to help someone else out. I know how invaluable this is. Make no mistake about it, I probably would not be here without it!

MArk x

spiderman

27th January 2010, 05:13 PM

i was forever saying sorry to my ex wife even if it wasnt my fault :(:(:(

jellybean28

27th January 2010, 05:16 PM

Mark don't feel you have to defend your sex, there is good and bad in both males and females.

Like you Mark I probably wouldn't be here without this site. Nor would I have managed to turn my life around. Mark from when you first came here you were giving something back (to me anyway). Just don't ask me to explain. Maybe your wife and my H have something in common in there abitly to walk away from us and then avoid communicating.

Your wife let a good one get away Mark. :p

Helen_uk

27th January 2010, 05:28 PM

Ditto what JB said .

Sometimes we do it to keep the peace Lee.. and sometimes that's just how we're made to feel.

Enough of my waffle for now boys and girls .. spent far too much time here the last few days . Best go catch up and see if I still have a life lol.

Play nicely and no squabbling ...;)

seven

27th January 2010, 05:59 PM

Sorry I brought the subject up :):):)

Wedgewood

27th January 2010, 06:43 PM

Sorry I brought the subject up :):):)

Lol no need to worry - just a lack of communication skills on my part at the beginning. I was never offended, quite the opposite :D

crush

27th January 2010, 09:50 PM

Hi Seven and after reading your thread I must say I admire your strength even if you think you have none right now. You mentioned earlier about sorting out finances, I am 10 months in and only now feel I can do this. I have today closed down our joint account and will be opening up in my own name now. This is a bit of control one thing I have not had for a very long time.

All of the people on here are in the same situation more or less so understand what you are going through. You must expect to have good days and bad ones gradually the bad become less, believe me I never thought I would ever get over this but as time has gone on I am starting to feel a bit more positive.

Our ex's change so much, mine definately has he is unrecognisable to the person I knew and I don't like him at all. They always think the grass is greener but not usually is. Acting dignified scares them as they expect you to be the screaming banchee.

You have had some great advice on here from people who have been healing for a long time and this must give you so much encouragement, it always has with me and kept me sane in the early days.

Good luck I am sure you will become a much stronger and confident person after all of this.

xx

seven

27th January 2010, 11:15 PM

Hi Crush, thanks so much for your post. It's comforting to read that you are healing and feeling more positive. I can't wait to get to that stage. I am longing for the day when I wake up and feel comfortable with what is happening. At the moment i'm still wondering if this really is it, even though underneath I know it is. I still feel like i'm wading through mud, but i'm putting little things here and there in my diary to keep me having things to focus on - this does help to pass the days.

I do like what you said about acting dignified - that's one thing that time is helping me to do. Last time my H saw me, I absolutely was the screaming banchee. I know that next time I see him I won't be. I have definitely found strength in that department.

I don't feel like i've been strong re finances, if it was up to me i wouldn't have done anything about it yet. But thanks for the support - it gives me more confidence that i'm handling this the right way.

I really appreciate yours and everyone elses words - having you all here makes me feel much less alone.

Thanks xx

Wedgewood

27th January 2010, 11:25 PM

You are never alone - we are always with you ;) if you want us to be or not!

You are doing great seven, just keep going as you are. Dont do anything unless you are ready, but sometimes you may need a nudge in the right direction. If you know that it is over then you should try and motivate to plan in that direction. I know that is a lot easier said than done, but you need something to focus on. Do it in baby steps, change something here or there. Just remember that lots of small changes add up to one big change, so if you cant face any massive issues, just do something little every day. You will be surprised how good it will make you feel in a short space of time.

Mark x

seven

27th January 2010, 11:58 PM

Thanks Mark :) I'm ok, I think i'm just having a rough couple of days. i felt like i was doing so great last week, and am just a little disappointed i've gone backwards a few steps.

Tomorrow is another day and i'm going to keep focussing on those baby steps and small changes. Hopefully i'll be back on here this weekend saying just how positive i'm feeling!!
xxx

Wedgewood

27th January 2010, 11:59 PM

Just remember not to push yourself too hard, but do try and make some progress. You are doing just fine xxxx

Wedgewood

29th January 2010, 10:28 AM

How is your hangover? x

seven

29th January 2010, 01:04 PM

:) not too bad thankfully :)

You'll be pleased to hear that i've woken up a bit more positive today too. I have that feeling back that i'll be OK. I think over the past couple of days i've been thinking SO much about wondering what he's doing, where he's going, if he's thinking about me etc. Today i'm not going to waste my precious energy on that. I'm going to focus on what i'm doing, where i'm going and what i'm thinking about (not him!!).

I'm v glad it's the weekend :)

luce

29th January 2010, 01:54 PM

Glad to learn that you are feeling a more positive today. It is so hard to keep the focus on yourself i know. I think that is rather impressive that you are glad it is the weekend as i have been rather dreading it. It is horrid that you are here Seven but I am glad to have you around in my life. Warm wishes Luce. x

seven

29th January 2010, 02:09 PM

Oh Luce, what a really lovely thing to say. I absolutely feel the same. It's horrible that we are here, but having you all in my life is helping like I didn't even know was possible. I feel like we all have a special bond, and i wouldn't give that up for anything.

I'm going to my parents this weekend, looking forward to spending time eating lots and chatting with my folks. I'm also seeing my nieces and nephews who never fail to put a smile on my face.

I hope you manage to have a nice weekend, keep yourself busy, but have time to relax too. I'll be around if you need to talk Luce. My email is seven.777@live.co.uk
Lots of love xxx

RayCub

29th January 2010, 04:18 PM

I'm here if you want to talk too, luce. Feel free anytime!!

Been there, done that!!!

raycub@live.ca

xo

JWD

29th January 2010, 09:06 PM

me too luce - the sad society we have formed has an opening lol. xx

crush

31st January 2010, 07:15 PM

Hi Seven. You must accept you will have good days and bad times but time is a great healer and in time the good will outweigh the bad. You cannot help but keep thinking of ex it is only understandable. I am sure you have so many questions and it does your head in it really does. You should think of yourself and what you want for the rest of your life and try not to worry about what he is up to. He is very selfish and will not be giving you a second thought, this is really hard I know but they change so much it is frightening.

Keep your chin up it does get better I promise x

luce

1st February 2010, 06:41 PM

Hope you had nice weekend at your parents Seven? Thinking of you. x

seven

1st February 2010, 08:45 PM

Hi all, well i had a nice weekend at my folks. Took my mind of things for a couple of days!
Was a bit down again last night, but realised it's because i feel like i'm now in limbo. over the crying/shock stage, not quite at the ready to move on stage. So I took the bull by the horns today and decided to contact him to sort out finances etc... We're meeting later this week - it will be the first time i've seen him in over a month.

I thought i'd be more nervous, but to be honest i'm actually quite looking forward to it. part of me is wondering if there is going to be anything there to work on, but the other part of me accepts that there more than likely won't be. I think i'm ok with that. I'm glad i'm not banking on us working things out. It's at the back of my mind that even if anything positive did happen, I still want kids and he doesn't, and I won't compromise on that any more. So at the back of my mind I DO know it's over, and I feel that after sorting finances, i may be properly ready to move on.

I'll read this back later this week to remind myself of this!! Hope everyone's well. Thanks for the lovely messages xx

GTW

1st February 2010, 09:05 PM

Hello seven, well done for taking the initiative but be careful, don't meet your X with any intention other than to sort out your finances. Be calm and indifferent towards him if at all possible. It won't be easy, of course it won't, but stay focused and at least try and give the impression that you have moved on, if there is a chance, ANY tiny little glimmer of a chance then this is the way forward.
I found myself in a similar predicament last week and blew it because I am an impatient male but you have one distinct advantage here; you are not! Play to your strengths and repress your weaknesses, good luck.

seven

1st February 2010, 09:48 PM

Thanks GTW, i agree. Although in my heart i'll be screaming things I want to say to him, asking for reasons why it happened, if he still feels anything etc etc, i'm not going to say any of that. I'm just going to talk about money, our house, splitting of finances etc.

Thing is, when I first arranged to meet, I was worried that i was banking on it and would be desperate to make a good impression etc. Since the day's gone on, I realise just how "not bothered" by the whole thing i am. If he wants me back, he's the one who's got all the work to do. If he doesn't want me back i haven't lost anything because i'm already going through the greiving stage, so hopefully I won't be going through it again.

Not sure if any of that makes sense, but all that matters is i'm ok!

GTW

1st February 2010, 10:25 PM

I hear what you are saying 7 but trust me, you will need to demonstrate such self control on the day it will amaze you. Unless you genuinely have no love for the man, this will be a very hard task but be strong, you can do it.
Guess what? My X just called and asked some questions about getting her car serviced. She knows absolutely nothing about this sort of thing as I have always taken care of such affairs. It was really difficult because one part of me wanted to help but the other was saying hang on a mo, you wanted to be independent, SO BE INDEPENDANT!, and leave me be.
We talked briefly about selling the house as we are having it valued tomorrow but she was a bit bewildered when I told her that she will have to arrange everything as it is her that wants this and not me. I am not trying to cause her grief but she needs to learn which way is up. I know she will handle it, she is an intelligent woman, but I will be damned if she is going to reject me and then I am going to do all of the hard work with regards to settling our affairs.

seven

1st February 2010, 11:00 PM

Good for you GTW - i think you're doing this the right way.

I know i'm going to have to exercise some incredible self control when I see him, but I also don't want to hurt any more, so I dont' want to sit there discussing the in's and out's of our marriage. We're also meeting in an independent place - so my fear of getting emtional isn't as high, i'm pretty sure I don't want to be a dribbling mess in public! Besides, I don't feel like a dribbling mess anymore. This past 4 weeks I have become so much stronger than I ever felt possible. I definitely still have love for my H, i'm pretty sure I always will do, but i've proved to myself that I can live without him. I know there is a future out there for me somewhere - i might not be ready for it yet, but i'm accepting that I will be ready one day.

Plus, seeing all these people on this forum who are happier now than they've ever been, fills me with hope.

GTW

1st February 2010, 11:24 PM

We will all be rooting for you; walk tall and good luck with the meeting

georgie

2nd February 2010, 07:28 AM

Hey 7, the future is out there!! You're such a great person I'm sure it looks forward to greeting u.

I think u may hopefully be over the worst humps in this roller coaster, when the word 'future' re enters our vocabulary, I think 'recovery' is on the way.
xxx (c u on msn soon x)

luce

2nd February 2010, 12:03 PM

Hi Seven,
Glad to learn you had good weekend at your folks. Good luck with your meeting and know that i will be right there with you in spirit. You have such incredible dignity Seven and i am also grown very fond of you.
Warm wishes Luce.

seven

6th February 2010, 12:19 AM

Hi all, thanks for your incredibly warm wishes and kind replies.
I met with H this evening, and although difficult, it wasn't too bad. It was very amicable and neither of us talked about the split. It was quite nice just to talk about other stuff without it being too awkward.

I came home feeling both up and down. Up because it was nice to see him, as it's been over a month now. Down because I felt sad that he isn't "mine" anymore and is no longer part of my life.

I had a few tears driving home, and then let myself cry when I got home. After that I was quite surprised at how ok I was. I think i've accepted that this is happening now, as it felt quite comfortable coming home on my own. I wasn't pining for him to be here or anything, as I realise that i've now got quite used to my own company (and if truth be told, i'm quite enjoying it some of the time). I only miss him when I think about the good times, but now i'm learning to look on those as good experiences, and try not to think too much about 'we're not going to do that again together... or experience that again together...' etc.

hopefully i've turned a corner tonight. I can't help thinking that it can only get better from here. The 'first' of everything is always going to be hard, and tonight was the 'first' time i've seen him. Hopefully next time will be easier.

I was strong, and i'm proud of that. I now just need to keep focussing on me. I accept that my feelings for him won't go away over night, but I also accept that I can't make him love me back anymore. So back to taking each day at a time in this journey of recovery and healing.

It's not going to be easy, or a quick recovery, but i'm very thankful for having you guys here - i wouldn't have been as strong as I was tonight if it wasn't for you. Thank you xx

GTW

6th February 2010, 12:38 AM

Well done 7
As you know, I have only been here for a couple of weeks but have seen supportive and encouraging posts (some on my thread too) from you time and time again and think that it is wonderful that you have so much to give but in turn have gratefully taken what has been offered by others and found strength and encouragement in the communal support offered here.
I really do think you are right, you have turned a corner, and although it may not be all downhill from here, you are definitely on the right road.
I am truly pleased for you and wish you well on your journey, thank you.

Wedgewood

6th February 2010, 11:39 AM

Well done babe,

I am really proud of you, but it does not surprise me the way you handled it. I was very confident after speaking to you throughout the week that it would be worthwhile for you, but I wanted to be sure.

You know where I am if you need anything and I still want to drink my beers you got me!

Speak soon hun., and WELL DONE again!

Mark xx

georgie

6th February 2010, 04:46 PM

Well done 7! It was quite a milestone to reach. You're an inspiration x

luce

7th February 2010, 12:07 AM

I was strong, and i'm proud of that.

I'm proud of you too my lovely Seven. :)

seven

7th February 2010, 02:12 AM

Thanks everyone. You truly are such wonderful and special people. I just wish I could tell you all personally just how much you've all helped me through all of this and find some way to thank you.

Feeling strong again today. Hope this is a sign of how things are going to be...

Thanks again everyone, i'll keep you updated with progress :)
xxx

JWD

7th February 2010, 04:19 AM

You're going to be just fine. So proud of you. xxxxxxxx

seven

17th February 2010, 10:51 PM

Hi gang, not been on here in a while (ok, only days, but feels like an eternity!).

Just thought i'd update on where I am at the moment. I've had a few down moments since I last posted, more than likely with Valentines Day coming and going and all that... V day wasn't actually half as bad as I thought - didn't put too much pressure on the day itself as we never really celebrated it much during our marriage anyway. I celebrated Chinese New Year instead with a friend :)

Over the past week or so, i've started to feel much more "ok" with the split, but certain feelings and memories keep coming back at random times to slap me in the face.

I feel like i'm starting to accept it all a bit more (it's now been 6 weeks) and i'm starting to remember so much about the last 6 months of our marriage, and starting to see the cracks that I didn't see at the time. I think what's haunting me though is the fact that I still believe we could have worked through them all. I still feel "shortchanged" for want of a better word, that he walked away without a second thought (or so it seemed at the time). I can't help wondering over and over again how and why he did that. Even though it's easier now to see the problems we were having, I still think there was so much more we could have done to salvage things.

I've also looked back over the journal I wrote during the 2 weeks prior to the split, and the stuff I wrote on the night he left. It was so heart wrenching to read, and I really cried re-living the hurt. Thankfully once I finished crying I realised that i'm not in that place anymore, and even though it was hard to read my deepest inner most thoughts of hurt and anguish, I soon realised that i'm actually ok, and have come a long way in 6 weeks.

After seeing him almost 2 weeks ago, we've been in touch on and off to discuss bits and bobs about finance etc. He's been the one to initiate contact each time we've been in touch - at first I was reading lots into that, but now as time goes on, i'm glad to say i'm not reading anything into it anymore.

I've still not told some people, and i'm not sure why I still feel uncomfortable telling everyone. I'm trying not to beat myself up over that, and am just hoping that i'll know when I feel comfortable enough to tell everyone. It's not that i'm worried about getting upset, because I know I won't, it just doesn't feel right telling everyone yet - it's more the people who i'm friends with, but aren't "close" with. I've told all of my close friends now.

So, on the whole, i'm doing ok. I've got a holiday to look forward to and focus on, and work is still keeping me busy. I just want the split to stop consuming my every thought. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it etc etc. It's not that i'm thinking specific thoughts, it's just the overall "thing" that just hangs over me ALL of the time. I feel like the last 6 weeks have been an absolute blur. If you asked me what I did last week i'd have no idea. I'm not sure how long this will go on for, but it's pretty exhausting. I do feel that some days I just exsist. I know that will go away in time, and in a way i'm a bit scared about when it does... as that will perhaps be when I know it's definitely definitely over.

Sorry for the ramble, just thought i'd check back in and see if any of your experiences are similar to mine. Then i won't feel like i'm going insane and will just know it's a normal part of this!!

Seven x

Hopefull1983

17th February 2010, 11:22 PM

Seven I'm so proud of you you're doing brilliantly! The fact that you've stopped reading into things is a very good sign I've only recently go to this stage myself. It's hard to not think 'if he's texting he's thinking of me' etc...etc... but the fact that you're not thinking that as much is great news. I understand what you mean about seeing the cracks also, I've recently had some 'revelations' myself and like you it still frustrates me that I think we could have worked through things together rather than this.

With regards to telling people, you'll know when the time is right. People still don't know about me and my husband, we work together and people talk to me in work and are under the impression that we're still together, I don't correct them because at the end of the day, those who I care about and I need to know I have told, those who I haven't told it's because it's none of their business, I'm sure they'll find out through the grapevine in time but for the time being I've not felt the need to blurt it out to someone who is a stranger to me. My husband and I still both wear our wedding rings and we're still set as 'married to....' on facebook because at the end of the day we are still married and I never knew when the right time to change these things was so I just kind of came to the conclusion that I'd change them when the time comes that I'm no longer married.

I agree, it hangs over you, it still will, 5 months on and I still spend most waking moments with it at the back of my mind. I don't necesarily stress about it as much as I used to but it is there, I do often think of the why's and what if's but that's normal hun it really is.

Crying is good too, not only does it let it all out, it reminds you of the pain you have been put through and it's always good to be reminded of that because it helps to build your strength.

Keep progressing like this sweetie, you're doing great and even though some things you think you're doing or thinking or not doing are wrong, they're not they're good because they're helping with your healing.

Be strong, keep smiling and take one day at at a time. x

seven

18th February 2010, 12:29 AM

Thanks so much hopefull, it's nice to know i'm going through normal emotions that other people have experienced.

I agree with what you said about not stressing about it as much - that's exactly where I am at the moment. I'm not panicking about it like I was, it's more of just dull ache that's just constantly there. I know it will take an awful long time for that to go, and as I said, i'm not quite sure I even want it to go at the moment anyway. not sure if that even makes sense!

I'm starting to laugh more now and enjoy myself a bit more. I was feeling guilty at first whenever something made me smile, now i'm embracing it and looking for things just to make me laugh and smile.

A couple of people i've not seen in a while asked in conversation about my H the other day (they've no idea about the split). I just said he's ok thanks and then changed the subject in a very subtle way. I then felt guilty about it afterwards.. but the other option of telling them just seems a bit daunting at the mo. I don't want it to be a conversation killer e.g.
Them : "hi, how are you? how's H..?"
Me: "oh we split up at xmas"
Them: "oh"
Me: "er.. anyway..."

It just feels too uncomfortable! I'm sure there will be a time when I feel comfortable about it, so i'll just wait until then. It occured to me today that i've got nothing to feel guilty about. I suppose it's just that i feel like i'm lying to people. I just need to stop worrying about it I suppose.

Thanks again for the reassurance :)
xx

mangonpineapple

18th February 2010, 06:48 AM

Hi Seven, you are doing so well! It is still early days yet but you have made remarkable progresss. I like the part about smiling and laughing and embracing the spontaneity of it. You are beginning to enjoy things again. Continue being strong and keep smiling. :) x

RayCub

18th February 2010, 04:15 PM

Hi my lovely!

You KNOW how proud I am of you!! I don't even have to say it!!

When I think of where I was at the six-week period, I'm pretty sure I remember still being in a complete state of shock and denial. You've come so far, so fast!!!!

Keep up the good work, Seven. You're doing remarkable well!!!

Love ya!
Ray
xo

jellybean28

18th February 2010, 05:57 PM

Oh Seven you are doing so well.

I know we were still living in the marital home at the six week period, with me hoping that he would change his mind. Instead he was just pushing papers at me to sign, what I might have signed I have no idea, he did forge my signature on the offer on my house, just to get me out of the marital home!!!

One day you will re-read your journal and notice that you don't feel anything much, it will be as if you are reading someone elses story. I read some letters I had written to my Ex (didn't send them) and thought what was I thinking, I had written how much I loved him, what he meant to me yadda yadda. Thank goodness for the delete button on the computer lol.

Give yourself a pat on the back, you really are doing well seven :)

Hugs JB

luce

20th February 2010, 05:18 PM

I've still not told some people, and i'm not sure why I still feel uncomfortable telling everyone. I'm trying not to beat myself up over that, and am just hoping that i'll know when I feel comfortable enough to tell everyone. It's not that i'm worried about getting upset, because I know I won't, it just doesn't feel right telling everyone yet - it's more the people who i'm friends with, but aren't "close" with. I've told all of my close friends now.

I think this is a good thing my lovely. You are holding your boundaries. That is important. :)

So, on the whole, i'm doing ok. I've got a holiday to look forward to and focus on, and work is still keeping me busy. I just want the split to stop consuming my every thought. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it etc etc. It's not that i'm thinking specific thoughts, it's just the overall "thing" that just hangs over me ALL of the time. I feel like the last 6 weeks have been an absolute blur. If you asked me what I did last week i'd have no idea. I'm not sure how long this will go on for, but it's pretty exhausting. I do feel that some days I just exsist. I know that will go away in time, and in a way i'm a bit scared about when it does... as that will perhaps be when I know it's definitely definitely over.

Seven x

Can identify with you there. Even in Thailand it occupies my mind. I am also scared about when the madness is over - i am scared i will go into depression. Something has shifted for me here though and will talk to you about that when i get home.

I miss you and everyone from this forum. :)

Helen_uk

20th February 2010, 06:12 PM

Don't worry Luce.. we're all there with you in a * virtual * way ;)

Hope you have a great time and come back refreshed.

Hugs

Helen x

seven

30th March 2010, 04:11 PM

Hi all, haven't been on here in quite a while, but feel like I need some help, and you guys have been so incredibly supportive since the start of this horrendous journey.

Basically I just don't feel like I am moving on AT ALL, and it will be 3 months tomorrow since he ended our marriage.

I thought I was getting there, starting to feel more positive etc, and I truly was, but now i'm back to crying lots again, and feeling like my life is spiraling out of control, and I hate it.

I think things started to go downhill for me when we agreed to meet up again - this was around a month ago. We met for lunch, and in a nutshell it was great. We laughed, chatted, really enjoyed seeing eachother. He said he missed the laughing and the chatting. He also said a couple of things that made me think it wasn't so final after all. He said he hasn't told anyone at work, and asked me not to tell some aquaintances of ours about the split (they work in the same circles as him). I asked why, and he just said he didn't want people at work knowing his business.

I asked if he'd told anyone else about the split (i've now told most people I know) and he just said some mutual friends of ours - a couple we've spent time with in the past. I asked what he'd told them (because when we first split I was mortified that he'd be telling people that he left me because he doesn't love me anymore) and his words were "I just told them that things weren't working out between us, and that we've separated... for a while". I couldn't help but wonder what this meant - "for a while"??? I didn't pick him up on it because i was too busy thinking this was the beginning of reconcilliation.

We agreed to see eachother again as it had been really lovely spending time together again - even though it had only been lunch. A few days later it was our 6 year wedding anniversary - a date I had been dreading. We spoke about it and we agreed to meet up for a couple of drinks and to talk. I said that if he found it too weird that I wouldn't be offended if he didn't want to meet, but he said he wanted to.

On the day of our anniversary, he texted me early hours in the morning to say something like "don't know how to say this, but happy anniversary".

He said he'd pick me up (as he's now living about 15 miles away, so had to drive anyway) and turned up at the house with flowers. I was really touched, and took it as another sign that reconcilliation was on the cards.

The evening wasn't as great as the lunch had been. He was tired and wasn't as happy or chatty as he'd been a few days previously. We talked a little about telling people, and his attitude had shifted. He didn't seem bothered anymore about people finding out - i couldn't understand how his attitude had changed so much in the space of a few days. There were moments when I felt a little uncomfortable, as during dinner, I kept remembering a lot of the hurtful things he said to me during the final weeks before he left. I can't help thinking it's because this was only the 3rd time i've seen him since he left at new year - and seeing him in the flesh again, brought back some of the memories. He also talked more about moving back to his native country, and seemed very blase about the whole thing without a thought about how it may affect me.

When he dropped me home, I asked if we could talk about "us" and where, if anywhere, this was headed. He quite bluntly said it wasn't, and that he's made the decision in his head and his heart that it's over. I asked why he's been giving me mixed messages - meeting up, telling me he misses me, sending me random texts about little things about us that he's been thinking about, texting me early hours about our anniversary, bringing me roses... He just said sorry, and that he hadn't meant to send out the wrong signals. I said that seeing him again, laughing, joking, chatting, has brought back some of the feelings for me, and I asked if he felt the same. He didn't answer. I asked why he didn't want to give things another go, and he said he didn't want to go through the reasons again for why he left. I asked if he regretted what had happened, and he said yes he regretted the way things turned out and that he felt guilty, and has been pushing himself into physical exercise as a result of the guilt (he is training around 10 times a week I think... - as a side note, his constant need to put exercise as a priority was sometimes an issue in our marriage, especially when it came before me, which it frequently did). I asked him if he felt relieved that it was over, and his words were "not relief as such, but I suppose some sort of freedom".

I was gutted. Absolutely gutted. I got out of the car without saying another word and left. I was so upset that i'd allowed myself to believe that we had another shot. I blamed myself for reading the signs completely wrong, but how are you supposed to read your husband bringing you flowers on your anniversary? I know now that meeting up was a stupid idea, but it all seemed to be going so well.

Well it hurt like hell, I went back to being a wreck and crying a lot. Thankfully I had a holiday booked for a week and a half later. I thought i'd hear from him at least to say sorry for the way the evening had turned out, but nothing. The day before I flew a couple of weeks ago, he texted to say have a good holiday.

I got back yesterday and can see that he's been here to take more of his stuff. In a way I feel a bit annoyed because i asked him to let me know if he planned on coming round, but then again I know I have no right to stop him because we both still pay the mortgage.

He's texted me a couple of times yesterday and today about some financial issues he's having. That's all he seems to be bothered about now. He called me controlling financially during the marrige (I wasn't, it's just that he never had time to do it, and when i did ask him to, he'd fall behind with payments because he'd forget to do them - hence why i took on the responsibility). I find this ironic now that he's turning to me for support about what to do about his financial issues...

Since coming home from a wonderful 2 week holiday, I realise that I just put the whole thing "on hold" whilst i was away. i've come back and started crying again. Last night and this morning i've felt the same panic and despair that i felt when it all first happened. I feel like I haven't moved on one bit. I still miss him terribly, I still love him deeply, and i still sit here wishing that we were back together.

I'm having moments of strength where I start to think about what I want out of life (happiness, children, companionship) and I'm beginning to accept that he won't (not can't - won't) give me that. I wonder if that's why i'm getting upset all over again, because i'm starting to realise that? I wonder if i'm starting to accept that it's final and over, and I didn't believe that before?

I now realise that up until the anniversary, I had hope. I had a huge amount of hope that he would come to his senses and love me back again. As it stands, I have to accept that he doesn't love me. I just don't know how to accept that. In a very non conceited way, I just can't understand WHY he doesn't love me. I gave him everything I could, I loved him unconditionally and did everything in my power to make him happy. He's often said he wouldn't me the man he is, or wouldn't be as happy/successful/where he is without me. So why is he throwing this away?

I can't help but think about how he said he feels a sense of freedom... That hurts like hell. Does he look upon our marriage as it he was a prisoner? I know for certain that I never treated him that way. Our friends have often commented on just how much freedom he's had in our marriage. I've never stopped him from doing anything, going anywhere etc. I've never been a jealous person, so i've never had an issue with his female friends, or his lads nights out. If anything he had too much freedom.

I think the main reason I'm crying again is because I still feel like my life is out of control and I can't stop it. I want to feel secure again, protected, happy and loved. I hate that i feel like it was ripped right from under me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I hate that i feel like i've had no say in this whatsoever, that it was 100% his choice, and sod my feelings. I hate that he didn't attempt to work on the marriage with me, and ended it so quickly without some real hard work. If he'd done that, i'm sure i'd be sat here now saying "it hurts, but we tried everything to sort things out, and it just didn't work out". I can't say that because we didn't try ANYTHING. He didn't give it enough time, and wasn't honest enough about the way he was feeling early enough.

Someone on here did say that he will have "left" the marriage earlier in his head. I believe that now. But it's hard to know that he was feeling that way and didn't do anything about it.

I'm sick of the tears, i want them to stop, but I don't know how. It hurts that i'm still crying, and I know that he's probably fine. I got upset on holiday and my mum said to remember that he more than likely wasn't getting upset about me every day. I agree, and although I know that, it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't stop the tears. If anything it makes it worse - to know that i'm still greiving and he's enoying his new found freedom...

When will this start to feel better? When will I start to actually get over him? When will I stop constantly wondering what it is that he actually wants, and why that isn't me. I'm sick of it consuming my every thought. I'm sick of panicking about it. Most of all, i'm annoyed because i've just had the holiday of a life time, and i'm come back to THIS. I really hoped the holiday would help, and in a way it has, I had an amazing time, and it really helped to take my mind off things for a couple of weeks.

Sorry for the very long ramble, just need to get this out. I need to move on and just need to know how you all did it, or how you're all doing it. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Thanks for listening xx

seven

30th March 2010, 09:37 PM

Thanks mdmquincy, your reply is much appreciated.

I'm still full of hope - don't know if that's plain stupid after everything that's happened, or if it's just natural after being with someone for so long and it ending so abruptly. I'm guessing it will just fade with time...

On a more positive note, I just blew a fuse in the house. This is something my H would have just dealt with without a second thought, so i've never needed to know how to fix things like this before. I surprised myself by not panicking, and going straight to the fuse box and resetting the switch. Woohoo to a small step in realising i'm able to survive on my own without a man in the house :)

Seven x

Helen_uk

30th March 2010, 09:42 PM

Hi Seven

I think having contact with them after a period of quiet is bound to stir all the feelings up again. I know I went from wanting desperately to see him to being scared of stirring it all up again. No contact gave me time to heal a little .

He definitely is giving out mixed messages though so perhaps he isn't as sure as he says.

Well done on sorting the fuse box.. I know who to call next time I need someone to reset mine ( I can do it in theory ) but it means braving the ENORMOUS spiders who live in the cupboard ! ):D

Wedgewood

30th March 2010, 10:04 PM

Hey 7,

Glad to hear you had a great holiday! I for one enjoyed your updates on facebook. You also made me laugh several times with your 'colourful' humour!

I cant really comment on contact bringing back old emotions because my X has refused to speak to me since day one. However, I can imagine it would stir things up. What you mustn't loose sight of are the facts:

1) You are still very early on in the healing process (don't forget I didn't start positing till 5 months after my split). I was obviously still in a mess, so dont put too much pressure on yourself to hurry things. It can be frustrating to want to fast forward time, but healing is a slow process unfortunately.

2) You just had a great holiday. I feel there is obviously going to be a come-down afterwards. I had it after going to Amsterdam a few weeks after my breakup. There will be peaks and troughs for a while, but they slowly even themselves out.

I hope this makes you look at things in perspective. There are many people who feel your pain both empathetically and as a friend. From a personal point of view I am far better off for knowing you, so get your butt on MSN or something so we can have a proper natter x

I came out of retirement to post this! So consider yourself honoured!

Love Mark x

seven

31st March 2010, 12:01 AM

Thanks Helen and Mark - you've cheered me up no end :)

Helen - definitely the contact stirred up old feelings. I made myself distant from him for the first month or so, and it definitely helped with the healing, but now I'm craving the contact with him, but I know it's too late. I can't help wondering what it would have been like had i contacted him more during the initial split? I hate that our only contact now is about finances. He knows i've been having some health issues, and hasn't even bothered to ask how I am. Heck, even his mother has contacted me more to ask how I'm doing and how my health is, she seems to care more than him.

Mark - it's hard to not want to fast forward all of the hurt, i'm absolutely sick of it and don't know what to do with it anymore. At first I wallowed in self pity for a while, and didn't mind feeling sorry for myself, because I felt I had so much to pity myself for. Now I feel like I should be moving on, like I expect he is. I just can't bare the thought that he's not feeling this pain like I am. I hate that he's just cut me out of his life. How can a person do that? I know that you of all people experienced that, and I admire you so much for coping with it the way you have. I just need to invent that time machine so I can fast forward a few months and stop the damn crying.

Also Mark, thanks for the post - it means the world that you made the effort to reply to this. You're a true friend. I promise i'll be in touch on MSN :)

7 x

luce

31st March 2010, 02:53 AM

My darling Seven. How f**king horrid it all is. I am so sorry for all this pain darling.

Mark is right about the coming down after the holiday too. I hit a real low when i came back. I always hit a flat spot coming home from a holiday but with everything going on and the long haul journey it was worse. I think it was also a shock to come back and find it all right there in my head and my heart still. I dont know why i expected it would be gone - it was there when i went away, it was there while i was away (even in my best moments) and so i guess i should have anticipated it would be there when i got back but i didnt. I didnt anticipate it at all. I felt kind of ashamed too to have come back from what would have been a dream holiday for many people and still feel so much pain. The whole holiday experience is kind of more empowering for me than it was initially when i returned.

This is still in my head all the time too sweetie. All the things you say up there fly around my head too and i do mean ALL of them. I am still so baffled and confused by it all. I know that sometime soon i am going to have to find a strategy to stop trying to make sense of the nonsense before i drive myself crazy.

I now have Hilda Ogden sitting in my brain. When i catch myself turning it over and over i set her about sweep, sweep, sweeping. It only helps for the shortest while but even a few seconds respite is precious. I think i am going to have to start retraining my brain before it gets stuck in a circular pattern of thought that never ever stops.

It is still such early days and so raw. Know i love you bundles. I think we should actually put a date in our diary for that get together too. xxxx

seven

31st March 2010, 08:07 AM

Thanks Luce - it's comforting to know you experienced the same when coming back from Thailand, and you too with Amsterdam Mark. I just feel like an absolute wreck. I haven't slept much at all in 3 days - today is my first day back at work and i slept 2 hours last night. I woke up in an absolute state at 4am this morning because I dreamt my dad died. I was in floods of uncontrolable tears and I haven't been back to sleep. What on earth triggered that? Why would I dream about something so horrible and devastating as that? I just can't stop crying and don't know how to sort myself out and go to work.

I really feel like i've taken a massive massive step back - in fact i don't think I was this much of a wreck when it first happened. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard now, 3 months on. I'm so worried that i'm slipping into depression - i've never experienced it before so I don't know what the signs are, but I feel so totally helpless, and I have no idea how to move forward.

I've felt physically sick since flying home, not sure if it's a combination of jetlag and what's going on, but I can't keep much food down, so coupled with lack of sleep I feel absolutely terrible. I'm sure that's affecting my state of mind.

I just feel totally out of control. I'm usually such a strong person, and can snap out of feeling down quite quickly - i'm just not sure why it's not working this time, and why i'm spiralling further and further down. I know people are going through so much worse than me, so I hate it even more that i'm not finding the strenth that I see in others.

Sorry for rambling, just feel like I need to talk to people who know what i'm going through, as I know that even though friends and family have been so incredible, they won't understand, and will expect me to pull myself together.

xx

UpandDown

31st March 2010, 09:39 AM

Hi Seven

I've just read your whole thread - lots of good advice and blimey you're a strong lady! I find it all very inspirational.

My husband also suddenly said he didn't love me. Our situation is quite different, but I totally feel for you. I especially know what you mean about the contact thing. I have to see my H every day as we have small children and in a way I can't wait for the official seperation so I don't have to have that any more.

H is taking one of the children away over Easter weekend and I'm staying here with the other one. I'm devastated as I would obviously prefer us all to be together in one place, but he can't handle being around us for too long (probably the guilt!) so we would definitely fall out over the four days. Needless to say I'm dreading the loneliness though.

So much of the feelings part of your thread I could have written. Things like being in shock and then being angry that you gave him everything. I hope you get back on track soon. I think the feeling reconcilliation might be on the cards thing is awful. I have that feeling every day as my husband acts completely like normal and texts me all the time but I know it's a dangerous place to go....

I really hope things improve for you asap. You've got through bad points before - I guess it's true it really is a roller coaster ride, even months on.

Love Kathryn
x

luce

31st March 2010, 12:13 PM

I really feel like i've taken a massive massive step back - in fact i don't think I was this much of a wreck when it first happened. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard now, 3 months on. I'm so worried that i'm slipping into depression - i've never experienced it before so I don't know what the signs are, but I feel so totally helpless, and I have no idea how to move forward.

xx

My lovely Seven. You are a strong person. You are incredible. You are also tired and sounds like you have hit a wall of grief. Grieving is a process. It is crappy but it is normal. I know you and i are really resistant to the whole idea of depression. Maybe we think it is a place we will get stuck and never come out of. Maybe we associate it with weakness - i dont know. But i have been reading and it seems that depression is an entirely normal part of grief. Being as it is 'part of the process' then it IS NOT somewhere that we are going to get stuck. It sounds like a bit of depression must be necessary if it is part of the process eh? But i tell you right now honeylicious this is not a place that you are going to get stay. Nor is it a place that you are going to be in all the time. You wont allow that to happen. I know that about you. I wont allow it either. Maybe we should reframe that word depression into something like sadness. It is all so sad.

I was looking up on grief and came across this;
http://www.york-united-kingdom.co.uk/funerals/grief/

Most doctors surgeries have a counsellor attached which is free. I have been to 6 sessions. It is has been good to have that space for me each week. Some weeks i sit and cry for the whole hour - somehow it helps to have someone witness my pain. It also helps me to have that ringfenced time that is completely mine. I cant remember if that is something you have explored or not?

I promise you that this wont feel so bloody overwhelming when you have caught up on some sleep Seven. The sadness will get balanced with excitment, hope and sense of adventure. We are at the start of a journey Seven. It is going to be wondrous journey and we shall witness each others miracles. Route 66 - i am witnessing yours already! x

seven

31st March 2010, 10:42 PM

Hi Kathryn. Thanks for reading my story, and taking the time to post. I don't feel very inspirational, in all honesty I feel like a bit of a failure to myself. I thought I was stronger than this, but as you said, this is going to be a roller coaster so i've just got to accept the bad times. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you going through this with children, especially splitting them over easter. Your pain must be so deep, and i'm sorry you're going through this too. You sound incredibly switched on and realistic - I admire you for this. I hope to learn from you, especially around the resisting reconcillation... Thanks for your support, you've really helped me to take stock of myself again today. Don't dread the loneliness this weekend, you still have one of your wonderful children to enjoy easter eggs with. Plus you'll be able to look forward to having your family back together again next week :)

Luce - I don't know what else to say apart from thankyou (again). I read the link about grief, and I can relate to each step of it (apart from acceptance - yet!). I completely agree that I hit a wall of grief these past few days. i think the dream about my dad this morning just topped it all off, and sent me spiralling out of control again. I've done nothing but cry since the last day of my holiday, on and off nearly every waking hour - I think I just lost focus of my recovery and allowed the grief to consume me again.

I think because i've been feeling like crap (picked up a sickness bug in the last 2 days) and have slept about 10 hours in 3 days, i lost myself.

I took your advice Luce and got some sleep. I left work early because I was feeling crap, and came home to bed for a few hours. i've woken up in a different frame of mind. It doesn't feel so overwhelming after all. Put it this way, i've not cried in the last 3 hours, and I don't feel the need to either. You are wonderful and always know exactly what to say at the right time. Thankyou.

So, i'm taking control again. Thanks to you all for keeping me on track. I honestly have no idea what I would do without you all. I feel completely honoured to have found this place.
Here's to getting over my little blip, and continuing with my recovery. xx

UpandDown

31st March 2010, 11:10 PM

You poor thing - I didn't realise you had a bug. At the first sign of any illness we must all take to our beds I have decided!!! It's up to us to be extra kind to ourselves. Noone's going to give us a medal for carrying on.

Glad you're feeling better.

x

seven

1st April 2010, 01:11 PM

Ok, so the taking control thing isn't going as easily as I anticipated...

Got some results this morning from the hospital for some tests i've been having - won't go into detail on here, but although it's nothing sinister or life threatening, its confirmed something they suspected, so i've now got medication to look forward to, and whatever crap is about to come with that (i've read up on the meds, and side effects sound crap). i go back to hospital in 3 weeks to talk about what to do next.

Then I went to the docs later this morning because i've got constant headaches and can't sleep. In the middle of telling doc about the headaches I burst into tears and told her that i'm going through separation. What the **** is wrong with me? I'm so annoyed and embarassed. I just don't know how to hold it together at the moment. Unsurprisingly, she wanted to prescribe me antidepressants, and said the sleep patterns i'm describing could be a symptom of depression. I don't know why, but I don't want to take them, so I told her i'd go away and think about it. I said i'd wait until after my hospital appointment in 3 weeks, and decide then.

I just don't know what to do. I drove home from doctors in tears, looking like an absolute idiot. I know why i'm upset, because i'm having to deal with all of this ALONE. If he hadn't selfishly left me, i'd have my best friend and my husband to turn to and help me through this.

Right. I'm going to wash my face and clean up my mascara which is currently making me look ridiculous, then i'm going to make a cup of tea, then i'm going to take control again.

Please reassure me that i'm going to get through this, and that the tears will stop. I'm not sure how much more of these uncontrolable tears I can take anymore. I'm worried who i'm going to breakdown infront of next. I just want to have my husband here to cry on until I feel better. I don't want to phone my mum or sisters and cry on them because I dont' want to upset them.

Life really sucks sometimes. I'm going to pull myself together now, and i'll post again this afternoon when i'm in control again.

Thanks for allowing me to ramble - again! x

UpandDown

1st April 2010, 02:05 PM

Am having a cuppa with you as solidarity! Hope you are feeling a bit better.

Do you know what anti depressants your doc was suggesting? if so, you could look up about them.

I'm for people taking anti depressants in the very very short term, but against people being made to feel like it's their only option and then becoming dependant on them (this is based on the experience of my sister and a close friend.)

You should really consider the ant depressants alongside talking therapies just to help you over this time. As you rightly say, you've not only lost your husband but you've lost your best friend too. Taking the medication could just help you cope alone.

That said, if you're against it then listen to yourself. But just check your reasons. It could be that you see taking medication as a sign of weakness i.e. you should be able to do it without and be stronger. If that's the case, I'm sure you will realise logically that actually noone can be expected to be able to cope in your hideous situation.

I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of line.....I'm only saying this because with a lot of the meds it takes a few weeks to build up in your system so if you wait three weeks to start you might not feel the benfits for a long while.

Please feel free to ignore any of this - I realise it's a sensitive subject. I don't know you personally so all i'm going on is my own experiences.

I'll be thinking of you.
Love Kathryn
x

PS I think crying everywhere is absolutely fine. I know it sucks to break down all the time but you can't help what you're feeling and its very rubbish at the mo. I have cried in most places!
x

koliver0821

1st April 2010, 02:59 PM

I agree with Kathryn is saying for the most part. I did believe that taking medication was a weakness. NOW, I'm saying "Better living through Chemistry"

I was afraid to take any medications for depression. Mostly because I thought I would turn into some zombie. I suppose I thought I would end up drooling on myself. I know that its sad to think that way but thats the way it was with me. I thought it would keep me from feeling things. Anything....

When I first started taking it, I was doubtful that it would help. By the end of the week, I felt like a totally new person. Heck, Even my wife could see the change in me emotionally. It also pushed my wife to getting help too. She said she was jealous of how good I felt and looked. It really was a good thing for me. It didnt stop me from crying, but at times made it more manageable. It did stop some of the panic attacks I would get.

It really helped me in terms that I didnt think were possible. It made me realize I was the one that controlled my own happiness. (maybe with some help from the medication) I didnt need my wayward wife to make me happy. Once I really believed that, my relationship with my wife changed in a way I didnt expect. She started getting closer to me. I would openly tell her that it didnt matter what happened between us because I know Im getting better and that Im feeling happy already.

NOW FOR THE BAD PART. If you are to take any medication for anti-depressants, take them as indicated and journal anything you feel. Be honest about any past medical issues or even concerns you may have. Some medications have side-effects. Some are actually quite good. Heck, on Welbutrin, I lost 12 pounds. I was eating, but didnt need to eat as much. I actually weighed less than what I graduated college at. (My wife certainly took notice to that as well). I recently had an issue that may or may not have been caused by the medication I took. I had a seizure. At the dosage I am at, its a .01% chance of the medication causing this. (its the type of lottery I would win :)....)I have since stopped taking it (Under doctors orders) but already sense the irritability that I was having before coming back. (short fuse, lower tolerance for BS etc)

Kathryn is right about the length of time it can take before you notice benefits. That's why the first few weeks are critical. Ideally, they want to keep you on the lowest dose possible. If after taking it for awhile, the doctor can determine if you need more or less or none at all.

RayCub

1st April 2010, 03:41 PM

Please reassure me that i'm going to get through this, and that the tears will stop. I'm not sure how much more of these uncontrolable tears I can take anymore. I'm worried who i'm going to breakdown infront of next. I just want to have my husband here to cry on until I feel better. I don't want to phone my mum or sisters and cry on them because I dont' want to upset them.

Seven, my sweet, sweet love....You are DEFINITELY going to get through this. Of this, I have no doubt whatsoever! You have been so incredibly strong, and you are just having one of several setbacks. You'll have more unfortunately, but each time, you'll reach into that reserve of hope and pride and strength you have and you'll pull yourself back up again. And each step-back will get fewer and farther between, and you'll find you don't need to pull so hard to come out of them.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite for aoffering advice right now with what's going on with me, but I DO know what you're going through, and I understand completely. I've been where you are, and I got through, ans so will you.

And you've always got all of us to help you along your journey...:)

Don't worry about crying everywhere...been there, done that, mopped up the tears with the T-shirt. Do what you have to do to get yourself through...and if you don't feel like taking the meds, then don't....or do...whatever you decide...we'll support you no matter what.

Love you like crazy, Seven!!!
Oodles of hugs coming your way!!!
xxx

seven

1st April 2010, 07:53 PM

Hi all
thanks for the support. I'm picking myself up again this afternoon. I think i was just quite embarrassed about crying on the doc, but seems that's quite normal too!

I'm going to see if i can beat this without the pills first. I suppose my perception is that I think I can and should be able do this without medical help, but i'll not write it off - I think i'll keep it in reserve as an option, and stop being so dismissive about it. Thanks for the advice guys about keeping it as a short term option - that seems much more appealing to me.

Thing is, one minute i'm in tears, but this afternoon i'm so much more in control - i just can't stand the yo-yo'ing inbetween. Again, I know this is normal, as I know you've all experienced it or are experiencing it. I think i've just been more sensitive to it because i'm tried, feeling crap, and have post holiday blues.

Another cup of tea is in order I think! here's to taking control again, and not being so hard on myself about the setbacks.

Thanks to you all again, you're AMAZING xxx
p.s. raycub, you could never be hypocritical. I don't feel like i can offer advice to anyone, but sometimes it's easier to support other people than yourself. You are amazing and always have a supporting word to say, no matter what you're going through - as do many people on here. love you back xxx

UpandDown

6th April 2010, 12:09 AM

Hi Seven

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hope you're back on the up!

Love Kathryn
x

Hopefull1983

6th April 2010, 12:11 AM

How you doing Seven? Things getting any easier? Hope you're realising your strength and how amazing you are. xxx

mdmquincy

6th April 2010, 04:30 AM

Me, too. How's it going Seven?

I wouldn't feel bad about crying at the doc, I'm sure it is a part of their daily routine. Caregiver/patient relationships and all....
As far as being alone, you are not. We are all here with you.... chat away, say whatever crazy thing you can think of, nothing but support for you. We know how bad it sucks, and how unfair, and how the pain comes out of nowhere like a sneak attack, how an innocent word from a total stranger can be an instant stab in the gut. How it feels like no one can comprehend your pain.
It is going to get better. Has to, right? Litlle by little, drop by drop, tear by tear, and smile by smile, you will find a better place to be in the future. You will look back here and say it was b* of a time, but it made me that much more fabulous.
I have a suggestion, something I am thinking of myself at the moment. Make yourself a goal. Not a relationship goal, but a personal improvement goal. Visualize, focus on it. It can be as big or small as fits you; it can be time-consuming as you need. I'm thinking something simple for myself... something like going to the movie by myself. Maybe doing it often enough, that I feel comfortable with going by myself. I don't know, but I am enjoying thinking about it. What would you like to do... Do you have a bucket list?

Love and healing and companionship,
J

dazed and confused

6th April 2010, 02:27 PM

Hi Seven
I'm not sure this will help you but I found it helps me.I was told the mind can only focus on 3 to 4 things at a time.'So what you do is focus on your breathing ,then also focus on the air going in your nose,then at the same time feel your heart beat then finally feel the air on your arms.I was shaky all day today when I did that when I got home I felt so much better.
Hope it works for you.

Take Care Val

seven

6th April 2010, 10:31 PM

Hello you wonderful people you.
Thanks for the incredibly supportive messages. It touches me deeply that you are all here for me and offering advice and support. Thank you so much.

I met with my H tonight. I wasn't sure what to expect, but we had a heart to heart and I got a lot of unanswered questions answered. I also told him how hurt i've been and explained why i've been feeling the way I have.

At the end of the day, I now have to accept that regardless of the anger, hurt, upset, tears etc, I love him, but he doesn't love me anymore. I can't change his mind, or force him to love me. All the time I've wanted and yearned for him to try again, I now realise there is little point, because he doesn't feel that connection that I do. I could scream until i'm blue in the face and ask over and over again to give it another go, but I now realise it's pointless because he doesn't love me, and that's not going to change.

So now I will continue to grieve for the loss of my marriage and my companion, but i'm going to continue healing. No longer am I going to waste precious time and energy being angry or hurt or repeatedly asking why - it can't or won't change what has happened. I am going to work on accepting that it's finally over, and that nothing i could have said or done could have prevented it.

Thanks for the little ideas to keep my mind focussed, I will try them when i'm having one of my down moments. Hopefully they'll be less and less from now on :)

I appreciate you all so much.
Seven xx

UpandDown

6th April 2010, 10:42 PM

Well done, Seven. You sound really strong and together. I'm glad you got some answers and that you're able to accept it really is the end.

I hope you get a good night's sleep and have a brilliant day tomorrow.

Love Kathryn
x

seven

7th April 2010, 08:00 AM

Thanks Kathryn. It's hard in a way, because I feel like i'm starting the grieving process all over again. I always believed there was hope for my marriage (and I hate that underneath it all, I still do).
I've cried a lot during the night, because the hope is really dying. I hate that i can't do anything to change his mind. Accepting it's the end is bringing up fresh feelings of pain.

I have to find a way to fall out of love with him and move on. I really don't know how to do that, but that's my primary focus - moving on. I don't want to sit here loving a man who doesn't love me for the rest of my life.

I was up during the night just hoping and praying that I could just find a way to stop loving him. This feeling of unrequited love is the most painful thing i have ever experienced. Even though I had a lot questions answered, I still can't move on from the fact that I don't understand why he doesn't love me.

I wish he had met someone else, or was being a complete b*stard so that i could have a reason to move on. Because whilst ever he is being like this with me, I still love him.

I dont' know whether to cut myself off from him completely, or remain friends. Although I know that if I see him the way i did last night, i will still believe there is hope, and i know it's not good for me to continue doing this to myself.

But, I don't want to keep crying like this, so back to finding strength!
Thank god for 4 day weeks... a little something to keep me going :)
x

Hopefull1983

7th April 2010, 10:05 PM

Hi Seven.

Ok, I know exactly how you're feeling (like many of us on here do). I'm trying to find the best way to advise/guide you. It's hard. I don't know where to start with providing guidance....

After the initial shock and denial, limbo was the absolute worst stage of this heartache for me because no matter how much I cried and no matter how much effort I put into trying to get my husband to fall back in love with me and no matter what he said or did because I was in limbo I was therefor still in love with him and holding onto the hope that we would have our happily ever after.

I maybe only last month started to realise that unless by some miracle my husband has a complete personality transplant and absolutely begs and pleads with me to go back home and unless he does everything possible to win me over and we go to counselling to overcome everything that has been said and done over the past 7 months then we won't be getting back together. This seems to be the stage you're at right now, I call it the 'acceptance' stage. It's when you accept that your marriage is over (unless that miracle happens) and you start really moving forwards, this stage for me was when I finally fell out of love with my husband (I still love him unconditionally) but I'm no longer in love with him. This was also the stage when I realised that I need to back off from my husband for a while, in the past when I had said to my husband that we should take some time away from each other to help me get over him I in the same breath organised to do something with him because I was so weak and so in love with him that I just wanted to spend time with him regardless of his feelings. It's only now that I'm not in love with him I'm actually strong in what I'm saying when I say that we shouldn't spend quality time together for the time being, I'll admit I'm still struggling to cut ties totally for the time being, maybe that's because we work together, maybe it's because I'm not that strong yet. I do know though that what you're feeling now is a stage and it'll pass and you will fall out of love with him. You may always love him, in fact, I'm pretty certain you will, however, you won't always be 'in love' with him and when you get to this stage this is when it all starts getting easier.

Be strong sweetie, it will get easier, think back to how you were in January when this all started and look at you now, this should be a reflection on how much easier it gets!

Thinking of you and I hope you keep getting stronger like you seemingly do. Hugs. xxx