In love with you but....

[openminded]

Timing wasn't great but I guess it had to be done sometime...wife was particularly quiet a few days before chistmas and finally told me that she thought it would be best to separate and she loves me very much but not in love with me and sees me now as a best friend. We've been married just over 9 yrs (know each other for nearly 12 yrs) and 2 young children. This is not first time she has felt like this, this also happened about 7 months back and between then and now we've still joked, had fun, the odd argument and sex. Thought then to give it time and things will somehow reach a tipping point, for better or worse. To be honest she has been struggling with these sorts of feelings for a while. The first 2 yrs were great, then 2 yrs of marriage were great, but the last 7 have been tough. We got married and our daughter pretty much arrived 10 months later, we lived in the house we were in for a little while but it was small and wanted another baby so moved to a bigger house. Things were fine until she got pregnant and then found out at the 3 month scan that the baby had died and then she had to go through a post-op procedure to remove...well i leave you to guess the rest. We were both numb with grief and for me i couldn't even talk about it it was too painful and only recently can i now mention it, so I guess at the time I wasn't the emotional rock that she needed!! From the stress she got ill and was off work for a while but somehow we managed to bring our 2nd one into the world which seemed like something more special because of what had happened before. But again after going back to work she fell ill again and was pretty much housebound for 5 yrs. During those 5 yrs i also went through 10 rounds of redudancy, which i survived, so managed to hold to my job but still very stressful. Plus because she could hardly get out of bed we could never do anything together, i started working at home so I could do pick ups and drop offs to/from the kid's nursery, she lost a social life and to an extent so did I. Everthing was just a rollacoaster, never felt i had the time to stop and think about nice things, just a constant battle. We finally decided we needed to get away to a new house, new life, which we have done (although we suffered much stress with various house sales falling through), kids are happy and unaffected, my wife is now on a her feet and enjoying life for 1 year now.
I'm not surprised all this hasn't changed us in a big way, most people go through a lot less and somehow we've managed to get this far with great kids in a great part of world, we still talk, laugh, cry, etc. and even now we have warm affectionate cuddles just none of the intimate/sexy stuff, she sees me as a very special friend but nothing more. As she says "A very attractive special friend!!"
Just wanted to share this as it's big off load and also I've kind of reached the point where of course I wish things were different (as does she) but if she's positive she can never get those get those feeling back then maybe I should just let her go and enjoy what we have as it is. We still have a bond and a strong commitment to bringing up the children together and I'm looking for a new flat and she's looking for a female housemate she can share evenings with or at least not feel stuck in the family house on her own. Would be nice to hear from others who have gone through similar things and any positive outcomes that have come from similar situations. Forgot to mention I'm 39 and she is 35, if that makes any difference at all.

Many thanks.

[Raymond]

Something tells me that this does not need to happen.

That phrase I love you but am not in love with you is breaking up more marriages than I care to mention. Marriage is built on comittment and love is more than feelings. We can love with our wills as well which eventually increases the feelings. If the marriage is totally built on the feeling of being in love then it is likely to collapse at some point and will not have the wherewithal to overcome the problems.

This doesn't help you just now though. Reading between the lines it may be that here is a sexual problem. This can be worked on as well and shouldn't just be left to feelings either. Having good sex increases the closeness tremendously and should be worked on.

After all that you have come through together you should have enough there to be married forever. What is so important that everything has to end and the children have seperated parents?

I would say that she is still being healed from the past as well. Like I said I'm sure that your marriage can be healed although that would take work. I think perhaps the enemy is the image we have of being in love which we are continually being fed from films etc. In real life it is a balance of many things but I would put comittment and love as number one.

Raymond

[openminded]

Thanks for the reply Raymond. Whether this needs to happen or not, who knows what the future holds. Feeling are very personal thing, put 100 people in the same situation and you'll probably get 100 different answers on how they feel. We've always had good sex and always found each other attractive but she says she has no deep romantic or intimate feelings when we do have sex, although when we were she always enjoyed it.

She did say during one of our chats that she's tried to get those feelings back for a long time but not that she doesn't want to try it's just she hasn't got it in her more to do it.

We still cuddle before going to sleep before one of us goes back to 'our own room', and when I mean cuddle this can be anything from 10mins to 30mins, depending on if one of us is starting to fall asleep.

Strange thing is I don't feel deeply unhappy, I'm pretty positive person and just think trying to change someones mind only leads to more negative thoughts and becomes draining, for you and them. To be honest, I love her deeply enough to let her go if thats what she needs and wants as trying to hold on is a selfish thing to do as you're trying to change someone to feel a way they can't.

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Openminded :)

You guys have been through a lot, haven't you? Personally I feel she's still recovering from the horrendous 5 years that have gone before. She's got to put herself back together, and sexuality tends to take a back seat when there are more life-and-death issues to attend to.

You sound like a very lovely guy, and there is clearly much love between you. This is one of the rare occasions where I feel a semi-separation plan, like the one you have outlined, may really work.

It'd be nice to hear back on this!
AG

[dalesman]

Hi Openminded
I have found myself reading your post over and over again and I have spent quite a few hours thinking before replying. I had exactly the same happen to me although many years ago now. In fact its spooky how similar , I could have written your post myself. I don't want to give you advice either way , only you can make the decision , but you said you were interested in other peoples outcomes. In my case I persuaded my wife to stay and it was a big mistake. Once you have become a "special friend" as opposed to sexual partner it is very difficult to change this ( my wife said she loved me like a brother ) Eventually my wife had an affair and we separated after 15 years together. We remained close friends after the divorce and 16 years later we are still good friends. However this has presented its own challenges as I am not sure I have truly moved on. Whats more the friendship has definitely caused problems with later partners . If you do decide to split don't be surprised if a future partner wants to derail your good relationship.
Whatever you decide my thoughts are with you.

[openminded]

Thanks to Ageing Grace and dalesman for their replies.

To Ageing Grace, prior to 'the chat' the sex kept us going, kept us interested in each other but also it can also go on for so long without true intimacy i.e. you can have deep intimacy with out having sex. You are right about putting yourself back together after such bad time, this goes for her and me. Having my own room currently is actually ok, seems bad initially but that depends on how you want to look at things. I'm quite independent and like my space when I want or need it, as does my wife, and after the last 5-7yrs of being forced under the same roof day after day it's quite liberating to have somewhere where you can listen to music, read, etc. without affecting the other person. Maybe you're right this is what we both need whether it causes us to drift further apart or somehow brings us back together. I guess what I'm saying something needed to change the cycle and all this is breaking that cycle to feel like the person i/she once was.

To dalesman, I stopped myself from persuading her to stay, i just let it be known that I loved her very much but at the sametime willing to accept what she wanted and needed. Knowing her like I do, trying to push my way back in would have just meant her pushing back just as hard, and as for what happened to you only makes it seem the right thing to do. As to what the future holds and how the relationship develops, even if it's just a deep friendship, remains to be seen. I can imagine others having a problem with it but I guess can only deal with it at the time.

[Ageing Grace]

I know of quite a few married couples who live in separate houses! It's not the norm, obviously, but as we know every couple has their own, unique marriage - and every marriage is a changing, living thing. All of the couples started off living conventionally but, often following a 'chat' like yours, ended up having happy marriages with individual homes.

I don't want to sound as if I'm trying to predict your future! It does look, though, as if you both desperately need your own spaces in which to heal. The direction in which you go forward remains to be seen. But love, mutual respect and understanding are precious enough qualities; you have those.

Wouldn't everybody like their marital home to be more of a mansion, where you could retreat to "your wing" of the house?? It's not so different!

Wishing you both the best :)
AG

[openminded]

For anybody reading these posts and going through the same thing I thought I might post some thoughts as they may help others, or may not :)

When someone tells you they love you but not in love with you it does hit you for six, and all sorts of things race through your mind but at the end of the day "being in love" is feeling and means different things to different people. "being in love" is a feeling which initially brings 2 people together, to get married, to have children, etc. but is not permanent, it's a feeling and feelings change as we change. What keeps people together is true love, a deeper love and for me this encompasses many things; love, friendship, trust, respect for each other in terms of which each other needs and want, accepting them for who they are, intimacy without needing/wanting sex, intimacy with sex, using life experiences of bad and good times to learn from and too strive to be a better person for them so you can support and love the other person without conditions. If you feel none or only some of these things then they can be worked on but it takes time and patience but don't expect it all to work as its a two way thing. For example, if they/you can't ever trust you/them then there will always be a barrier which is unlikely to be removed.

At the end of the day "I love you but not in love with you" is not the end of the world, you're still the same person they "fell in love" with if not better due life experiences you've shared as long as you've learned from them. If they walk away or you let them go someone else is just as likely to "fall in love with you" provided you love yourself too. Know your own self-worth too is important from all this, because if you don't love you, why should anyone else?

[dalesman]

Hi there Openminded,
I congratulate you. Considering how recent this has happened to you it seems you are coping well . You have already realised the danger all this poses to your self esteem and self image. You also seem to be very logical and analytical about your situation. For what its worth I agree that every relationship is unique and individual relationships work on very different levels. I for instance have had relationships that relied totally on the sex and others which were almost platonic in nature. After I split up with my wife and started another relationship I remember been delighted by all the things that had been lacking in the relationship with my wife.

[openminded]

Hi back again.

Well I was hoping to have my place by now and moved on a bit further i.e. have my own space and time but it hasn't worked out that way. Still living in the family house while being separated. Reason for not moving yet is she wants to find a female housemate first so she's not on her own. I had found a great flat that had everything i wanted but she said she needed me to be here as she didn't want to be left on her own. Although I kind of understand what she means I have a mental battle between wanting to move on but also making sure she is OK. I care for her very much and want her to be happy, but i need to feel physically separated. Although I'm not remotely thinking of seeing other people, if I did i couldn't while under the same roof, doesn't seem right, and so feel trapped i.e. can't move on and do what i want to do. anybody else in a similar situation? or have been? any thoughts would be useful?

[Hopefull1983]

Openminded, I've read your post and I admire your strength and positivity. I know it's hard to change someone's mind but would it be worth showing this post to your wife: http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=6509 It was my first post on here. It is just my views on the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' that a lot of us on here have heard. I hope you can work through things before it's too late like many of us on here.

[Raymond]

That post is a classic. If you can get her to read that it will be a good move.

Raymond

[openminded]

Well, it's a been a while since I've added to the thread but here's an update, and of course any helpful advice is always good plus to get this all off my chest is major thing.

In March got myself a flat and moved out, during that time it was weird but I felt better in my own space at the time but as time went on around April the suddenly realisation that the my marriage was over, and as with everyone else in the same situation, the grief sent in. Decided something had to give so went to the doctor who thought it was best to give me 2 weeks off which the fell nicely into 2 week holiday I had already booked, so 4 weeks off!!! Went away for some of it, had my own space and time, and came back relaxed and refreshed. Before going away the ex suddenly said to me "lets forget all the bad stuff that's happened and just start afresh when we come back from our breaks", she was taking the kids to see grandparents, etc. This lifted a big weight off my shoulders and was a big help during my break. Never assumed anything i.e. getting back together but it was a start, a new beginning, no walls, regrets or guilt about the past.
When we came back, i picked up ex and kids from the station we were so pleased to see each other, missed each other, etc. Since that time we spent time together and time apart i.e. still living separatly, and when we have been together at times we have been very together and very intimate. Again, never tried to assume anything, just enjoying those moments, letting her have a space and not pushing for anything more, basically let nature take it's course. I never want to separate, I would have liked to at least try and work things out via councellor, etc. so I guess my view was it was too early to give up now and just go with the flow and enjoy life.
This went on for a 3-4 weeks but then found out she had joined a dating website but was still very affectionate towards me at times. I pushed the website thing to one side because I put my trust that she we do the right thing i.e. not actually meet anyone until she decided one way of the other. Just felt this was someone who didn't truely knew what they wanted and couldn't go one way or other, so let her be and just enjoyed any time we have together.
But since then she's been seeing other people, not sure how many, doesn't really matter but never actually said she want to move on and stop the more intimate stuff between us at the time while this was happening. In the end I decided to tell her that I wanted to be just friends and have no more emotional or initimate contact because I could see that if I didn't the resentment would only build and didn't want to get to point of hating or have a bad relationship with her.
I've made the right decision but now feel very used and that trust I had has gone because I put my trust in her but feel she took advantage of the situation and my trust. This may be just a current state of mind and will pass over time, but just want to wash the last two months away because they just seem meaningless, the things she said and did which made me feel special seem to be meaningless considering what was going on in background when I was giving her space and time. From my point of view, while I was still emotionally involved with her there was no way I could 'date' other people, just didn't seem right and was being 'faithfull' to the relationship as it was, plus would not be fair to the other person on the date. Can you imagine "Yeh, i'm separated, dating but still having sex with my ex", hmmm, not my thing!!

Any thoughts or anyone been in similar situations?

[koliver0821]

One word. She is cake-eating. She is getting the best of both worlds. Also for someone to "love you like a brother", it seems odd that your still intimate. Time to be a man. You almost have it.

You told you dont want it. If you want her, tell her you do and that its unacceptable for her to see other people. You may be separated, but you are still married, No?

Since you have made it this far, why not take that additional step. You have nothing to lose. Basically, she knows you would always be there for her. I hate to say this, but I'd guess that she was intimate with other people before the separation.

[openminded]

Thanks for the reply. Obviously it hurts but working towards slowly pushing this out of my head and getting on with life, positive thing i get from this is at least i know now and not in few months time, and at least i know now how she really feels about me.

[Raymond]

It is sad but you are not able to trust your wife while she is messing around with dating etc. If she is not going to put it right and be faithful only to you which is the bedrock of marriage then how can the marriage succeed? Basic really.

Raymond