New start

[yogamad]

Happy New Year everyone.

I've started yet another thread in my 'journey'. As it's a new year, thought it seemed fitting. I've had a good Christmas, a few ups and downs along the way. H has got on my nerves a couple of times and I'm sure I've got on his but we got through the festive period without seriously falling out so that's good.

I'm sort of looking forward to going back to work next week as I have a slight case of cabin fever setting in but all in all feeling quite good.:):)

Yoga
x

[georgie]

Belated Happy Christmas & New Year YM. 2010 is the year we all decide to make the most of our lives and have fun in the process ... that's my wish for all on here xxx

[yogamad]

Yeah, me too, Georgie. Wishing you and everyone all the best for 2010:):)

[jellybean28]

Me to everyone,

Here's to 2010 being a great year for all of us and the start of a new decade of wonderful new beginnings and expieriances (spelling sorry)
:)
:p
;)

[yogamad]

Good news!! H has got a johb!! It's abit of a commute for him but he seems ok about it and starts on 1st Feb. These last four months he's been at home have seemed like a long time. He's better in himself too, although he still says he's taking each day at a time. We're going out for a meal to celebrate at the weekend.:)

We've started our dance classes together and we're both really enjoying it, it's great fun. The classes are quite late, 9-10 pm so I hope he still feels like going after a long day at work.

It will be good to have the house to myself again in the mornings before I start work and hopefully my kitchen will be put right again as I still have no table!!!!!!!!

Apart from a few bickerings, we're getting on very well. I'll have to see if anything changes once he starts work again. I'll keep you posted.

xx

[RayCub]

Ho Yoga, I'm so happy for you! You sound like you're really enjoying your life, and you deserve to!

Yay on hubby's job! That ought to take pressure off and add to his feelings of security which can only be a great thing for your relationship!

And dancing??? Oh my God, that sounds like so much fun!! What a great idea for you guys to spend close, quality time together :)

I'm SO happy for you! It's been a great New Year so far, huh??

Cheers!!
RC
XO

[Wedgewood]

Well done Yoga,

You are an inspiration to many of us here. I hope things continue on the up for you and congratulations to your H for his new job.

Mark x

[jellybean28]

Good to hear about your husbands new job and that things are going well for you Yogamad.

Like Mark says your inspiration. Thanks for keeping us updated.

JB :D

[JWD]

Hi Yoga, fab to see you are enjoying life. And great re hubbys job.

Look forward to catching up xx

[yogamad]

Well, I spoke to soon about things going well. We haven't argued as such, we just aren't speaking at the moment.

Now H has got a job lined up, he's started picking on mine again, saying I don't do enough hours, how the house is all paid for because he worked so hard in the past, blah blah blah.

He's fed up with cooking and emptying the dishwasher, etc, etc. I know it's mundane doing housework but I've encouraged him to do other things outside the house. He thinks I should do the cooking now and then but I think he should because he's not working. Whilst I'm at work he's got all the time in the world to go on the computer, watch TV, etc so I don't think it's too much to ask of him. Once he starts work next week, I'll take over all the cooking and cleaning again because I'll be doing less hours than him but the fact is that he's not working at the moment.

Just when you think you're doing well, you take one step forward and three back.

[jellybean28]

Oh dear Yoga,

Maybe your husband is worried about starting the new job and coping with it, so he's decided to have a rest before he starts working again, which is a bit unfair on you. His jibe about your work was harsh.

I agree he should be pulling his weight with the house work and cooking while you're working. Having it done for when you get home gives you both time to catch up with each other.

Hope things get better for you again Yoga, you are doing such a great job working at your marriage

Hugz JB :)

[yogamad]

Hi Jellybean, yeah I think H is worrying about his new job so I'll be glad when he gets his first day (tomorrow) over and done with.

He's definitely had a rest this week, he's done absolutely nothing. I've had a horrible cold, worked overtime, been on a hard two day course and still had to come home to a mess. I actually didn't cook one night because by the time it took me to tidy up/pack away, etc it had gone 9 pm and I wasn't going to start cooking then. It kind of backfired though because he bought a takeaway with my money. I've only done the the ironing if I really had to, otherwise it's just been packed away. He took out a pair jeans and couldn't believe they weren't ironed.

Our "honeymoon" period is definitely over, we're sort of back to bickering, not making enough time for each other, etc, etc. The sex has dropped off too (more down to him than me). I always knew we'd have to work at our marriage, it just doesn't come easily to either of us. Having said that, we're still getting on better than we have done for years.

I think it'll be easier once he's working, I'll have my mornings back to myself again and will able to get all housework done before I go to work. I won't resent him not doing anything to help because he'll have been at work all day. So hopefully now we're not going to be in each other's pockets 24/7 we'll be able to get on better. Also, more money of course!

Monday nights are good because we both enjoy our dance class and have a good giggle together.

He's still making comments about my job not being good enough, it's not the job he said but the fact I only work 28 hrs a week. I find it really unfair when I've supported him through 4 months of unemployment.

One good thing is that I definitely stick up for myself now and will never be the doormat that I was a year ago.

I feel abit low today but I think that's because I've got a cold and not feeling 100% so I'll soldier on.

Hey, who knows, I might get my kitchen sorted out at last.

[Ageing Grace]

Ho, hum, Yoga :rolleyes: He's hard work, isn't he??!

Great news about his job! My guess is he's bigging himself up at your expense; his job's better than your job, blah blah. Very childish & annoying - hope you're coping OK with your 'Adult' hat on (plus deep breaths & an extra glass of wine!)

Best wishes for tomorrow and the rest of this week :) Have treats!

Love, AG

[yogamad]

You're not kidding AG, he's VERY hard work but I find it alot easier than I used to. He'd love me to work full time and I think, no I know, that he'll put my job down again because he's that sort of bloke. But now I've learnt how to put him in his place, life's alot easier all round. Compared to this time last year, life's great!!!!!!

H had a good first day at work and is feeling positive. I had a lovely morning at home ON MY OWN and I got so much done. Went to work feeling on top of things for the first time in ages.

We went to our dance class tonight and as usual had a really good time and both came home in a good mood.

Hope things are good with you AG.

Love Yoga
x

[Raymond]

You are doing great Yoga. How you've moved on.

I'm glad that you are making a stand and not doing an extra job. You have enough on your plate. My wife has only worked about six hours a week for the last fifteen years. I'm not intending to pressure her. The atmosphere is beautiful when I come home. You have learned some lessons which you are putting into practice.

It's great about the dancing. I think you both really need that.

Sad about some of his words, but we all have negative traits. Try and see the good and encourage it as you have been doing. Usually when someone is negative an opportunity comes to speak a word of wisdom at some point, usually not at the time they are being negative, often much later.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Hi Raymond

H is actually quite enjoying his new job, it's a long way to travel from Somerset to Gloucester but he doesn't seem to mind the commuting. It's done us the world of good because he's no longer hanging about the house doing nothing and we can talk about our day when he gets home.

Also, now that he's working again I don't mind doing everything around the house and hopefully he'll begin to appreciate coming home to a nice meal and everything tidy.

Our little bickers don't seem to come to anything as they used to a year ago and so we just talk about it, sort it out and move on which we've never been able to do in the past. It's hard work but little by little, I think we're getting there.

[Raymond]

I think you are Yogamad and it's great to see. We never let the sun go down on our wrath so to speak. We don't argue much these days but it can happen out of the blue if you are not careful. On the last one I was totally convinced I was right and over the coming days I realised she had very good points and I wasn't as right as I thought. Such is life.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Last night when we got home from work, H had booked a table at a restaurant and took me out for a meal which was a lovely surprise. It was to celebrate his first week at work and we had a lovely evening.

Thanks for your advice Raymond, it always makes sense.
x

[Johnee S]

Yogamad, Hun I am happy and proud for you! I hope he realizes whom he has and how lucky he is to have you in his life. You have great strength, patience, understanding, a big heart, and great wisdom. Stay on your course and make sure he understands how his words can cut into you and make you feel. Hopefully he will realize how that can affect you over time. He needs to empower you and give you some good good lovin' (words of Bob Marley).

My GF sang to me a couple times, once was to sleep. I loved it! I'd always hoped my Ex would have sang to me, but she never did. Not comparing them, I just love being sung to, it makes my heart skip a beat and flutter.

[Johnee S]

P.S. You should youtube "Turn the Lights Down Low" Bob Marley & Lauryn Hill cover.

That is my GFs fav song, she sings it to me a lot. since I can't sing I remix music and write poetry. I am hoping to do more singing lessons with my roomies and take up guitar again. My GF plays guitar as do her sisters who also sing.

[Raymond]

That's very positive Yoga your husband booking a restaurant and celebrating his new job with you. That speaks volumes to me.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Johnee and Raymond for your positive comments.

There are things that we can both work on still. I need to make sure that I sit down enough and make time for him and to communicate which I try to do. He's so much more laid back than he used to be which is great as I don't have to worry if he's going to fly off the handle or sulk like he used to which means I'm more open with him.

Hope all is well is everyone.

Luv Yoga
x

[Raymond]

That's a problem I had. Not sitting down to talk. Nowadays I can talk and excercise at the same time although obviously some things need one's undivided attention. Personally I think your encouragement is working wonders. It's true you have a way to go as we all do. You will find it's gets even better. You have found a few keys I think.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond. We're quite different, my H and I. He's more the couch potato type, whereas I'm the active one as you know. I find it easier than I used to to sit down more and chat and I know my H likes it when I do. Sometimes, I find myself being busy all evening and simply don't have time to sit down but I've learnt to leave the housework that doesn't need doing and just do the jobs that really need to be done and I must admit I'm happier for it.

One thing that's upsetting me at the moment is that my H hasn't been invited to my sister's wedding in May. I didn't think he would and I don't think he would've gone even if he had been invited. My sister's only chatted to him twice in 5 years and her partner has never met him so it's not surprising really. I'll be going with my boys and I know I'll have a good time but I'm not looking forward to all my family (aunts, uncles, cousins - all the people I haven't seen in ages) knowing that I've come on my own but I guess I'll just have to deal with it. I'm not going to let it spoil my day.

Other than that I'm fine. My job and H's job are going well, our boys are doing really well at school/college. My oldest son went to Cambridge University last weekend and had a great time and he's going again in a couple of weeks because he's got to the final of a debating competion so I'm very proud of him. It's half term next week so I've go the week off which I'm looking forward to.

[j92cool]

Hi Yogamad

Good to hear you and your H are doing so well :). I find it strange that your sister has only invited you and your boys and not your H to the wedding. I would always invite a couple regardless of wheter I knew the partner or not. As you said he probably would not have gone and maybe she knew that. Thanks for the update Ilove to hear how everyone is progressing.

Cheers

Janine:D

[yogamad]

Hi Janine, it's complicated and goes back over 8 years. To try and keep a long story short, my H fell out with my parents and sister and although they've tried over the years, he doesn't really want to know. He's been especially horrible to my sister and she's been nothing but lovely to him in return and it's got her nowhere. Her wedding is her special day and I don't want anything to ruin it for her so if she'd rather he wasn't there, then I have to respect her decision. Her partner quite rightly is siding with her and doesn't want my H there so I have to respect his decision too.

If only everyone could get on, how much easier life would be!!

[Raymond]

It speaks to me of how far you have come with him Yoga. He seems to have changed some. No doubt through your encouraging the good in him. You have done wonders and turned it around for all to see. I know there is a long way to go. We all have a long way to go, but so long as we are going we will be improving. We may not always see it but others will.

Raymond

[jellybean28]

Yoga you never cease to amaze me.

The way you handle each thing as it comes up with such insight is inspirational.

Glad your husband is enjoying his new job and you enjoyed your evening out together. :)

Take Care

JB xxxx

[GTW]

Yes, I second that.
It is amazing how some on here just seem to handle their situation in such a correct way and for others, it just turns to dust.

[yogamad]

Aaah thanks all of you, I don't really deserve all your wonderful comments. I honestly can't see what I'm doing that all of you seem to see in me but I appreciate what you say, it makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

We do have a slight problem at the moment. After getting back together we had sex quite a lot but now we don't have it so often (H is the one who doesn't seem to want it). His sex drive has gone down a lot lately. He wants it in the morning, I prefer it at night and so we go round in circles. Yesterday, with it being Valentines Day, I brought him breakfast in bed with a few presents and then suggested we had sex but no, he didn't feel like it so I was left feeling upset. He's suggested I wear a skirt more often, rather than jeans as he likes me in a skirt but I don't see that I should have to wear a skirt for him to fancy me??? I'm confused.

xx

[GTW]

...I don't see that I should have to wear a skirt for him to fancy me...

Hey Yoga, how are ya doin,OK.
I am no sex therapist but I can relate a little here being a man (and I am ALL man :D) When my X and I were together I always found I was more aroused when she wore a skirt, haven't a clue why though :confused:
Now she was/is a gorgeous woman and just because I was more keen on her hitching up her skirt than taking down her strides was not a reflection on how much I fancied her but the skirt scenario just made her seem more feminine that's all. I can't explain it but that is the best I can do so I guess what I am trying to say here is don't take it so personally, it's a guy hang up ;)

[Raymond]

I like jeans on my wife personally but that's by the way.

With regard to the sex it could be that the new job is taking it out of him. There's usually a lot to learn starting a new one and this could sort itself out naturally eventually.

I am a bit miffed that he didn't agree to sex as I don't believe either should refuse especially as you picked his time. But consideration has to be given of course to the others frame of mind at the time.

What about wearing a skirt sometimes and trousers at other times? I think you have to try the skirt idea sometimes. Men are generally more visual when it comes to sex. You have to find his keys and I am sure he has them.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks for your advice guys and thanks for being miffed on my behalf Raymond. I've given the skirt situation some thought .....

If you remember a while back, I asked my H to lose a stone in weight so that I would find him more attractive. He said that I had to take him as I find him so I accepted that and haven't mentioned it since. So he walks round the house in his old tracksuit bottoms whilst I have to wear a skirt for him ... I don't think so. He will also have to take me as he finds me. You know those films where woman is cooking the dinner in a nice outfit, jewellery, high shoes, etc, well that's how my H would like me to dress round the house.

I've just been speaking to my sister and she's got 2 small children and dresses in jeans day in, day out and her partner fancies her like mad. Why is my H so complicated? I think it's been about a month now since we've had sex and I want us to get back on track.

[spiderman]

Yoga

I does seem a little odd that he doesnt want sex with you I must say?

Skirts are more feminine and sexy but a pair of sprayed on jeans are also very sexy ???

Just a comment hun !

Lee

[yogamad]

Hi Lee

I think he's just being his usual awkward self to be honest. I think it's because when I went out recently with some friends I wore a skirt and when i went out with him, I wore jeans. He takes this as some sort of sign that I've put them and not him first. It all seems so childish to be but that's the sort of person he is.

Also, I'm going out with some friends this Friday (I'll be sure to wear jeans lol) and when I told him he said "how did you know I didn't want us to go out?" I said that we could go out on Saturday instead and he said "oh it nice that you're putting me first". You get the drift ...........

Sometimes I think he's really 2 years old, not 42!!!!!!!!:mad:

xx

[yogamad]

Hi, I've found them but I warn you it's a long read:

Husband hates my family page 12
He's leaving me page 6
He's kissed me after 1 1/2 yrs page 4
and then this one

Let me know what you think?

Best wishes
xx

[yogamad]

Just thought I'd let you all know that I have now had sex with my H not once this morning, but twice ... lucky me :):):) And not a skirt in sight. He's had the day off work today and we've had a really nice time together.

[Raymond]

Wow! Thank you for that information. He couldn't keep his hands off you for long. Seriously it is very healthy. I hope he keeps enjoying it. It must do him and you good to share the intimacy. I hope you didn't leave your jeans on though.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Ha ha, no I was naked at the time fortunately!! We had a bit of a chat about it and he said late at night when he's tired isn't a good time. Also, like many other women I'm sure, I lead a busy life and have stuff to get done in the evenings and he has pictures in his head of me doing the ironing, etc which can't be much of a turn on lol. As usual with me, he said I need to relax more, chill out and maybe he'd be more in the mood.

I'm much better than I was, I guess I just like being busy. I'll take on board what he's said though and see what happens.

[RayCub]

WooooooHooooooooooooo!!!!! You GO Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yogamad]

Ha ha thanks Ray:)

[spiderman]

wow twice....you'll be walking like John Wayne....lol

Lee

[Raymond]

What have you started Yoga?

Anyway I was going to say that I have similar trouble with my wife in that area. I'm more of an early bird and she seems a late bird. Often when I get to bed I am feeling aroused while she is pottering around downstairs banging around forever whatever she is doing. I am thinking is she ever going to come up? I used to go down there and cuddle her but then she said you only cuddle me when you want sex. So it was catch 22. Many times I have dozed off and she never appeared.

Nowadays I cuddle at any time and if I want it I have to be very direct verbally. It seems to work that way. If I let it drift it never happens unless it is a leisurely weekend and we have been out somewhere. So I have learned to be very direct and not be embarassed otherwise it doesn't happen.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond. I was very direct on that Valentines morning but H didn't like me just asking for it. It's like I'm the man and he's the woman if you know what I mean, I've got to tread carefully incase I upset him but usually it's the other way around. I would have liked it again last night but even though he'd had the day off, he was too tired, saying he had to get up for work the next day. It seems like we only have sex on his terms but a year ago I wasn't having it at all so I suppose I can't moan too much.

How you described your wife and you, her pottering about downstairs and you dozing off upstairs, that's sort of what we're like. Then I come bounding up the stairs at 11 pm and he's either not interested or asleep.

We found it was easier it have sex when our boys were little because a) they were in bed earlier and b) even if they were awake they didn't know what we were up to. Nowadays both the boys are always up and certainly know what we're up to. A few months back my youngest son came into our room and H and I were both naked and he asked why we had no clothes on. I told him we were hot and he was like ok. My older son said oh for gods sake, they've been having sex, can't you tell? We all laughed at the time but it's not nice for kids to hear/see/know their parents are having sex is it?

[Raymond]

No it is embarrassing especially a son in the next room knowing what the noises mean. Ugh! We have one married recently and one at Uni so we have got a lot more freedom now, until Easter Term anyway. I think you have to get a lock on your bedroom door which is usually the answer.

I suppose I am a bit like your husband. It used to tire me for the next day then it seemed not to affect me any more for some reason. On a working week I am up early and even on Sat it's tennis at nine am and church on a Sunday.

It's a shame he doesn't like you initiating. I'd love that but have accepted that it always has to be me. I don't think he should ever refuse without a good reason mind you. He's falling down there. You need to encourage him somehow. I envy these marriages where the wife initiates sometimes.

How did we get on to this subject? Oh yes I remember.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Yeah, I do seem to have gone off track somewhat but sex or lack of it can be a real cause for resentment in a marriage. It's good to get advice/feedback which I'll definitely use.

Thanks Raymond.

[Raymond]

No you are right. Sex is extremely important. I'm glad it came up.

I find the breakthroughs come when you are able to talk about it with your spouse. It can take years to get to that place, but frank talk in love can yield huge dividends. If you don't say it how can I know seems to be a good thing to remember. It's all part of growing closer I think.

Raymond

[yogamad]

My sister just brought round her wedding invite and it was just to me and the boys. At first I didn't know whether to feel upset or relieved but you know what, I actually think stuff it, they're all adults, let them sort it out, I'm not going to let it bother me.

I've had a really good weekend, hope everyone else has too.
xxxxxxxxxxx

[Raymond]

Good for you Yoga. It's their problem. You have tried to help but one cannot always fix it.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

At first I didn't know whether to feel upset or relieved but you know what, I actually think stuff it, they're all adults, let them sort it out, I'm not going to let it bother me.

Whoo-hoo! Yoga, how you've changed!!

Brilliant :) :cool: ;)
xxxxx

[yogamad]

Ha ha I know, great isn't it!!!:):):)

[jellybean28]

I love your new attitude Yoga! :D

[Brotan]

Hehe Yoga - like you I also wish my husband was more turned on - he never will tell me though what does turn him on, maybe he's scared I'll get offended.

Lately I have been thinking that I need to stop caring so much about chores and things that need to be done and care more about being healthy first and then spending time with my family and enjoying the time - be it sexual or otherwise. Same with my daughter. Things still need to be done, but they always do. And they tend to get done better and faster when my need for companionship and love and quality time are met first. Plus then sometimes my husband actually helps me.

Heres to three times tomorrow then lol.

Well done on the attitude - it really is their problem not yours.

[yogamad]

Thanks Gillian, so do I :)

You sound like me Brotan, I'm very tidy around the house but I've come to realise that if you look there will always be something that needs doing. Compromise I think is the word. All work and no play and all that ......

[yogamad]

Just realised it's been ages since I last posted, not a lot to report really, we're just ticking along quite nicely, still have ups and downs but the downs don't last nearly as long as before.

I have some exciting news (for us anyway). Some of you may remember last year all the problems H and I had with our neighbour over the boundary and garden, well, she moved yesterday. I'm ecstatic and sooooooo pleased. It's caused so many arguments between H and I and alot of tension and now she's gone :-)

Sorry ......... not much of an update but it's major news in our household xx

[RayCub]

Hey Yoga,

It's always good news when a source of tension and unhappiness is removed! Congratulations!

You sound really happy; I'm thrilled for you!! You surely deserve it:)

Thanks for all your support, by the way...

Hugs,
Ray
xo

[yogamad]

Yeah I'm alot happier these days Ray. We still have arguments of course but it's the way we deal with them now that's better ...... no sulking, shouting, silences, just talking it over and then moving on ......

Hope you're doing ok, must check your thread and Georgie's and Jellybean's and Mark's, well everyone's really :) You know I'll always help if I can :) xxx

[Raymond]

You show it can be done when you work at it a little. I know there is a long way to go. None of us are perfect but we can enjoy unity, love, sex and whatever in marriage which are great plusses in life.

Raymond

[yogamad]

I couldn't have done it without all your help and advice Raymond :)

[Raymond]

Thank you Yoga. You have encouraged him into this position although I know there is a way to go. How is his job going?

Raymond

[yogamad]

His job is still going fine thanks Raymond but we're not.

As his confidence is coming back, so are the nasty comments, remarks, bullying, etc although he can still be nice when he wants to be. Unfortunately for him because I'm now much more confident, I'm not taking any of his crap. I swore the other day and he slapped me and said I was common. There have been many other instances and I'm just not prepared to put up with it any longer.

I just feel after all we've been through, we're never going to be happy and I don't know what to do?? My sister and some friends are trying to persuade me to leave him but I saw another friend today and she tried to persuade me to stay. I'm confused as to what to do for the best.

[UpandDown]

Hi Yoga

Have just read your thread (well the "new start" bit anyway) and I am shocked he slapped you. This is how it started being very unhealthy in my relationship. It happened a lot and I ended up hitting/kicking him back. With us it was a sign of deep fraustration and look at us now. At the time I thought it was okay but it really isn't acceptable at all. What did he say after he slapped you? Did he show any remorse? Not that that should make any difference really.....

Sorry things aren't working out so well for you at the moment.

Love Kathryn
x

[yogamad]

Hi Kathryn, he didn't say anything, I actually apologised for swearing. He used to hit me badly when we met over 20 yrs ago but it gradually stopped when we got married and he has only done it occasionally over the years. It is more emotional abuse these days, putting me down, calling me a slut and I know it all comes from his low self esteem.

His slap didn't hurt but it's the fact that he did it plus all the put downs lately that I'm finding hard to handle.

Thanks for your reply.
xx

[UpandDown]

I can understand the low self-esteem thing as that is what my H's main problem is. It has impacted hugely on our relationship and with us I was in a lose lose situation as there was nothing I could do to help him. He is going through life on self destruct and I can't stop him.

If your husband is putting you down and calling you awful names I do wonder why you are still with him.....from reading your thread you have had ups and downs and you have had to work really hard to make it work. If he's still bullying and abusing you, however, it doesn't seem like there's much of a future in it. But that's just the impression i'm getting as an outsider.....

Also saw your post on Seven's thread. You mustn't worry about your H being an emotional wreck. I know you care about him, but your first priority must be you in this situation. He is an adult and he must wear it - he has been terrible to you but I imagine if you left him you would do it as kindly as possible because it seems like that's the kind of person you are.

I'm so sorry you're going through this after you've put so much into turning it around.

x

[Wedgewood]

Hey,

Ok I just had to post something.......

You should leave him, no doubt about it. This sort of thing is totally unacceptable. You deserve better than this, MUCH better.:mad: It is time you started thinking of yourself and put your feelings above everyone else's

If there is anything I can do to help then just ask (and I mean anything). There are 2 spare rooms if you (and kids) need somewhere to stay for a little while to clear your head.

I'm sorry Yoga, it is my nature to give my honest opinion and this guy is clearly a waste of space. It is your call, but I hate to see you going through these things will little prospect of anything changing.:(

Mark

p.s. I dont do FB anymore, but you can email me or get my mobile number of Georgie, Seven or JWD. I would love to here off you and know that you are safe.

[UpandDown]

Oh yes, Yoga. What Mark said is what I wanted to say but didn't want to upset you as I don't know you....

I wholeheartedly agree. It isn't acceptable.

x

[georgie]

I agree with Mark. I have hoped for so long that you would one day decide enough was enough and chose to make a better life for yourself and a better model for your boys. You re such a wonderful person, you have worked so so hard at this marriage and your husband has only appeared to offer the occasional token gesture in between unbelievable acts of controlling selfishness.
You deserve so much better, and I really want to see you get it.
I'm sorry I dont have much time. The people that love you all know you would be better off without him imho. xxx

[yogamad]

Thanks all of you for all your comments, I really do appreciate them all and I agree with everything you've said.

I know deep down that even after all my efforts and hard work, he's still that same bullying person underneath and that's never going to change. It did appear to a few months back but the 'old' him is slowly re-emerging.

We haven't spoken much since Saturday. I left the house and went to my sister's and had a good cry and she told me that I've got to leave him but the truth is I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the house, I'm scared for the boys and how upset they'll be, I'm scared that I'll have no money. I'll be walking away from a house with no mortgage in a lovely area that's near the boys' school/college and wonder if I'll be able to manage on my own. But I've only got to read all the other threads to know that you all do manage but that at the same time it is hard.

I think I might look up a solicitor and just see what they say, what my options are. My older son is in the middle of his A levels and they don't finish until June so I'm here til then because I don't want to ruin his studies. Funny, I was in this position last year if you remember, except it was H who told me he was leaving.

I think now I'm 40, I've realised life is to short to spend it with someone who treats me like that when there are so many decent men out there who I could be happy with. Otherwise, before I know it, another 5 yrs will have slipped by and I'll be 45 and more than likely still unhappy. I've been going backwards and forwards saying to myself ... do I put myself first for the first time in 20 years or the boys again and it keeps swinging round to me each time as the boys are nearly 13 and 16.

Mark, how come you're not on fb anymore, thought I hadn't heard from you in a while ..... I'll miss your funny posts. I'll definitely get your mob no off Georgie.

Sorry for the long post but as always, it helps to get everything off your chest. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for your support, hope that everyone else is ok.

xxxxxxx

[Wiggle]

Hi Yogamad,

Sorry, had to respond to this - slapping or anything like that is never acceptable. The idiot in my life has spent the last 3 -4 years putting me down & criticising me constantly and we all deserve better than that, it really knocks your confidence.

I'm talking as an outsider here - but why should it be you leaving the house? He's the one who's been violent and abusive?

xx

[georgie]

yes Yoga - dont be so nice to him to your own detriment - i think he should be getting his marching orders!! if you can find a way to keep that house do it! you and th boys should not be disrupted any more by this selfish masogonist (sp sorry)

[j92cool]

Hi Yoga

I am sorry to hear that things are not going well. One slap is too much. No one deserves to be hit EVER!. I would leave him. I think it is time to look after yourself and make YOU number 1 priority.

Hugz

Janine:eek:

[yogamad]

I keep trying to tell myself that the slap was only on my leg, not my face or anything and it didn't hurt, it just took me by surprise but because he has a violent past, I didn't like it nor the fact that he said I was common.

It's the comments that I don't like, it's like finally something has snapped inside me and I've decided enough's enough. Although we were happier than we'd been in a long while, I still wasn't happy deep inside because we're so different, come from different backgrounds, he's still not willing to talk to my family, I'm starting to go over lots of different reasons. The one thing I will miss is our dance lessons because we really did have a lot of fun but then the next day he could ruin it by being nasty. On Sunday, because he was bored, he said he felt like picking on me because it gave him something to do.

For some reason though I feel incredibly sorry for him because I don't hate him, I love him because I've been with him a long time, he's the father of my children but I'm not in love with him if that makes sense.

Friends and family say I should go to the solicitors straight away and see where I stand with the house but whatever happens I'm here for the next couple of months because of my son's A Levels. I didn't really want to talk to him about it but I guess I should really because we can't go on as we are. We were due to book a holiday so if I don't say something, the holiday will go ahead and I really don't want to go and I would rather tell the boys that there's no holiday this year rather than cancel it at the last minute.

It's H b'day tomorrow so I've got some presents and I'm still gonna make a cake and make it a special day, for the boys' sakes if nothing else. Can't say I'm looking forward to it though but i'll do the best I can.

Thanks for listening guys.

Luv Yoga
xx

[Wiggle]

Hi Yoga,


I didn't like it nor the fact that he said I was common

That's not the way you treat someone you love. You deserve better.


On Sunday, because he was bored, he said he felt like picking on me because it gave him something to do.



WHAT?! Yoga, I want to give you a massive hug - that man is a bully. I think feeling sorry for him is a good place to start. Somebody who is deserving of pity is rarely an attractive proposition (sorry if I got a little heated there, but that's just sooo nasty.)

I admire you for putting your sons first, and I think you're incredible for making your H a cake etc. despite how he's behaved. No-one can ever accuse you of not trying.

Good luck tomorrow,

Hazel xx

[UpandDown]

So sorry Yoga
x

[yogamad]

Thanks again all of you for listening and for your comments which I wholeheartedly agree with.

Sometimes I end up wondering if it's me because when he said about picking on me, he said he was joking and that I don't understand his sense of humour. We've been through this before and if he is joking, then no I don't get it but is that just me??? I also feel that we still weren't communicating properly and more and more I wasn't sitting down to talk with him but I think that was me rather than him. But the truth is I find him very hard to talk to, we hardly ever just chatted, it always had to be a discussion, I always had to give my views and opinions and I'm not an opinionated person so he always made me feel like I was put on the spot. Both my sister and I don't pick things up straight away but while my sister's partner finds it funny and endearing my H said he finds it irritating and that's just the way I am so I don't suppose I'll ever change!

You obviously feel the same as me then Amber. It's quite scary to think that 5 years goes by so quickly and by then I'll be 45 and I'll be even more scared to go so I feel like it's now or never really. I know if I don't go then I'll regret it and I can't put my boys through all this again another time.

It's now or never .......

xxxxx

[jellybean28]

Hi Yoga,
Just been catching up with your recent posts, sorry to hear how things are for you.
Your H sounds a bit like my Ex although there was no physical abuse there was plenty of emotional abuse.
I can't really give you much advice, because I felt the same as you. I loved my Ex not in love with him, but we had so much history together, and our 3 amazing kids. I just couldn't let him, as I always thought if I found the right solution to our problems, then things would work out and everything would be OK. I was just fooling myself.

In hindsight Yoga, I wish I had left years ago, as I would have been so much better off, along with the kids instead I stayed until he strayed (he was OK he had been planning for years). At 48 (now 50) starting again has been so hard in all aspects of my life. Think about it Yoga, you have done everything you can to save your marriage.

If you need to talk to me I'm here for you, here or on FB.

Hugs JBxxxx

[Raymond]

Hi Yoga. Sorry I missed all this but had to go away for a week.

I am shocked really as things had been going so well between you. Personally I wouldn't start thinking about the end of the marriage. He is still faithful although he is being a bit of a pig lately. I think it's another stage you have to go through. More adjustment while he is working. Yours might be a case of don't end it mend it.

Don't lose control. You have achieved a lot and have virtually put him back together when he most needed it. I would just ignore some of this bad behaviour and try not to get angry. Remember, still only encourage good behaviour not bad. You are still in control. Some of what he is saying has no grounds and is unkind and shortsighted but I don't think it is fatal.

I have the humour problem myself as it happens. I can think some things are very funny and make clever remarks but my wife doesn't see the funny side. I think she doesn't appreciate my humour. She thinks it's over the top. The answer is in the middle somewhere. You get this with lots of things. Doesn't mean instant divorce. Amber your situation is completely different.

It seems to be something to do with this job. He seems irritable and frustrated. You are obviously very different in some ways but this is normal. Because of that you have to find your common communication and not let it slip. You are like my wife in some ways and I am like him in some ways. I wan't ever good at chit chat but am having to learn that it's not just the words but body language and attitude which can be the vehicle of love in a different vital way. I put it down to my background but I am changing all the time and he can if he wants to. I wouldn't throw in the towel as you have so many examples where you worked it out.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

I think picking on Yoga , slapping her and trying to erode her confidence constitutes more than being a bit of a pig Raymond ! There is more to a marriage than being faithful.. what about respect ?

Whether it be physical, sexual or emotional.. NOBODY should have to put up with any kind of abuse.

How much time then should Yoga give him to change his ways ? And what if he doesn't want to .... ?

[UpandDown]

Raymond - what is your stance on physical abuse?
Thanks
Kathryn
x

[Raymond]

Hi Helen and Upside down. Physical abuse is always wrong for a man as they were never meant to dominate a woman in that way. I didn't mention that as I was trying to concentrate on the positives which have happened in the marriage. We are talking about one slap which didn't hurt. If it was a return to the old ways then that would be very serious but Yoga has experienced a lot of good since the old days and I am hoping and believing for something better. We have no evidence that this will continue but if it did then there will be a problem which Yoga will need rescuing from.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Any abuse is wrong Raymond.....emotional abuse and eroding a person's self esteem can be just as damaging . I'm not saying there are no positives in yoga's marriage.. but..her H has to want to change, and he has to make the change permanent. One slap that didn't hurt is still one slap too many.

It sounds to me having re-read the thread that yoga has put lots of effort into getting her marriage to work , my question is how long should she keep trying if her H doesn't want things to change or doesn't put the work into achieving that change - for good.

Trust and respect are just as important as love in a relationship, in fact they form the basis of lasting love , yoga needs to be able to trust that her H won't damage her, emotionally or physically to be able to experience a long and happy marriage.

I know from what you've said previously, you've experienced abuse yourself. I was just surprised at your comment .

Helen

[Raymond]

These are all things Yoga has to decide Helen, not us. My view is that it is easy to get into the leave him syndrome when what would happen is really the break up of a family and children without a father on hand. I feel that there are enough positives there not to be at that stage. Granted there are problems but I don't think they are insurmountable. We can all have moments of abusing someone if we shout at them or criticise them wrongfully. This doesn't necessarily make us serial abusers. If love, apologies and forgiveness are working then these things can be dealt with and overcome. This behaviour has not been apparent in any of Yoga's threads until now so it doesn't necessarily signal the death knell of the marriage in my view.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Exactly Raymond, which is why I would neither encourage yoga to leave nor to stay . It is indeed her decision. I would support her either way though.

[yogamad]

Hi everyone, haven't been on since last week but thanks for all the comments.

I've done nothing but go over and over and over things in my head, I've talked to my sister, her partner, my parents, friends and I'm still confused and have a permanent headache. My parents both told me they've been waiting for the day when I told them that I was thinking of leaving H as they know what he's put me through over the years and how unhappy I've been. But I know they'll support me either way, they just want me to be happy. They feel they've missed out on seeing their grandchildren grow up because my H never lets them in the house so they have to wait until I take them over.

I've been going over the pros and cons of my marriage:

Pros:

1. Own our own house with mortgage paid off so financially secure.

2. Children near school/college, can cycle with friends.

3. Children live with both parents.

4. H is generous with money/gifts.

5. H is a good dad.

6. H helps round the house, cooks, good at DIY.

7. H and I are both able to work part-time.

8. Our house is near where I work so I'm able to cycle.

Cons:

1. Puts me and my family down in front of our children.

2. Won't let my family into our house but still expects me to see his family.

3. Puts my job down and makes me feel inadequate.

4. Tells our children to marry a career woman or someone with money so they don't have to be the main breadwinner.

5. H is bossy and argumentative

6. Tells me I'm vain and shouldn't be bothered with how I look and when am I going to give up.

7. Very opinionated and because I'm not, picks on me.

8. Doesn't have any friends and never goes out.

9. We have nothing in common to talk about.

10. Thinks his family are all better than mine because they're privately educated and now doctors, dentists, thinks my family are common.

11. I don't find him attractive.

12. He's controlling and a bully.

Well, that helped putting all that down but I'm still confused. It's weird that I feel like this considering we've been getting on so well. As JB said, if I don't do it now at 40, it'll be even harder in a few years time. All I can think of is how badly he's treated me over the years and he really has treated me badly. And now we're getting on, it's like it's too late.

My sister gets married next month and I know I've said it before and I'm sorry I'm repeating myself but my whole family and loads of friends will be there, its a great big event and I wanted him to be there. Before Christmas when we first 'got back together' he told me he was going to put things right with my family and I believed he would but I now realise he has no intention of doing that. I want both sets of grandparents to come over, to have BBQs and fun and no one ever comes over, it's just me, him and the boys and I hate it when I see other families together. And that's the way it will always be and it will be even worse when the boys have left home because it will just be the two of us and that scares me. I think he's happy with it being the two of us but I want more than that.

I am actually going to contact a solicitor to see where I stand but I feel such a bitch for even thinking that because I feel sorry for him. Underneath all the horridness, he's insecure with low self esteem. He had a card from a mate who was best man at our wedding and who he's known since he was 14 saying he'd like to go out for a drink but when I asked him if he was going to contact him, he said he's done all that in his youth and is happy at home. I think all couples need time away from each other but he's always here and I don't think it's natural.

Anyway, I think I'm waffling on. What do people think????

[Raymond]

You have positives and negatives there Yoga. Same as all of us really. We have to dwell on the postives like they say the glass is half full not half empty. While we should always go for the best if we can there are things that can get in the way which we may not always be able to change instantly or if ever.

You want all your family to come over and be in unity with your husband which is a good desire, but if it is not going to happen you perhaps need to accept that for the moment and adjust your life to what it is. Make the most of the times you do have with your family.

With regard to this control thing obviously you do not submit to that. In your past posts you were standing up to it and being independent which was a good thing. I think you need more of the same regarding this. You need to win that battle permantly as control is unhealthy for you and for him.

Your husband is far from perfect (unlike me who is practically perfect - joke) and he has faults which you are well aware of. On the plus side you have been creating relationship (even though you seem to be going through a down patch at the moment) and you need to continue that as you will be together when your children leave home. You need to invest in that now. It happened to us. One got married and the other is at Uni. I made up my mind to accept again that she is my wife and we are going to be happy together purposely cultivating closer relationship.

Everyone is different and if you need to get out and make a life for yourself, other friends etc. then that is not a bad thing. You cannot accept control over this. You can respond in love when he needs you without accepting the control and hopefully you will need him sometimes.

A lot of things that concern you seem to be in the past and perhaps you need to forgive and move on. I know that there are current problems.

As we said these are your decisions. You have a faithful husband albeit he does have issues which you have to work with.

Raymond

[georgie]

I think most of the issues you mention are in the present as none of them were ever resolved by him. I think he seems to be an emotional vacumn.
Mortgages etc. I hear what you are saying, I'm working through my own personal economic downturn, but these are small ticket items compared with love, happiness and fulfillment.
I say CHOOSE HAPPINESS!
Also, how can he be a good dad while modelling such abominal behaviour for his sons? so I think that one should be removed from the pro's list personally.
xxx
I so understand your parents sentiments, i've waited for you to come to this point since I saw your first post. I too will support whatever you decide to do, as only you can decide, but i'd be lieing if I said i thought you should stay and slog on.

[Raymond]

How it going Yoga? I'm getting a bit worried about you.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

The one thing that strikes me yoga about the " pro " list is that half of it is pro living where you are rather than being married.

Only you can make the decision but it seems there has to be some big, permanent changes in your H's attitude and the way he treats you if the marriage is going to work.

To be a good father you first have to support and not put down their mum , kids should be taught respect and it's disrespectful of him to make you feel inadequate.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope happiness finds you.

Helen x

[Raymond]

Trouble is we can't speak directly to him on here and there are ways of doing it when you are married. Criticism should always be in love and constructive and even then one doesn't always get a legitimate opening.

Personally I cultivate no criticism unless it is for my wife's benefit or where it gets to the stage of negatively affecting my life. Then it is a matter of saying how you feel without giving the impression of negative criticism. Many times it isn't even her fault, such are the complexities of being human.

I think the best approach is "I feel" rather that "you" followed by a negative. That way it gives the other a chance to see if the problem is being caused by them. We are so often very wrong when we become judgemental.

I think the best approach is to talk about problems one has rather than attacking the other.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Hi everyone, I'm fine, don't worry :)

I've come to the decision that my marriage is over and once my son's exams are finished, I'll be contacting a solicitor to see where I stand regarding the house, etc.

I've gone through a period of feeling sad, feeling sorry for my H, sad for my boys, worried about mine and the boys' futures but I really do feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I'm going on my sister's hen night this weekend and when I talked to H about it, his only comment was "what a waste of time, it won't be long til they get divorced" ... not hope you have a good time or anything. I've put up with comments like that for years and years, she's my identical twin and I love her and it hurts that he says these things.

My mum texted me today to say have a good time and not to drink too much (she still worries even though I'm 40 lol). When I told H this, he said "she's a fine one to talk living with an alcoholic". He believes my dad is an alcoholic because he drinks more than he should. He does drink a few too many but I love my dad and I find comments that that so hurtful.

Each time he comes out with something like that, I just walk out the room, I don't even bother trying to discuss it with him because I know deep down he's never going to change. I know I can put up with the comments because I've been doing it for years but I shouldn't have to.

I've been texting a mutual friend who was best man at our wedding and who H and I have known for 20 yrs. He said "You and H are both my friends but if I had to choose, it would definitely be you. I would love to see you both happy but I realise H is too stubborn to be a loving, caring partner. He's always been a bit odd and we have all tried to help him be a bit more normal and agreeable but without success." This is someone H went to school with and has known since he was 14. The friend wrote in H's b'day card that he'd love to go out for a beer but when I asked H if he was gonna go, he said he was too old for all that now.

Thanks for all your support and for supporting whatever decision I've made. I know I couldn't have got where I am without all your advice and help, I'm a much more confident, outgoing person than I was a year ago and perhaps this is why I feel I've got the courage to leave.:):):):)

Lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxx

[luce]

Of all people it was my sister-in-law that said to me recently that my H is a dark soul and i need light. That seems to fit for you too. I am glad you are finding yourself.
love Luce.

[Raymond]

I am glad that you are sure about this Yoga and that you believe it is the right thing to do. Nobody can say you never tried in the marriage. It is sad but I fully understand your position. It is hard for love to flourish with the type of criticism you had to live with.

I really hope it works out for you.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Yeah it is sad but I actually feel ok about it. When I was on the hen night I had a fab time and didn't think about him or miss him at all. Still abit scary but I think I'm gonna be a lot happier in the long run.

The atmosphere in the house is a bit tense, H hasn't even asked why or tried to talk about it.

I've got lots of things to look forward to, mostly my sister's wedding in 3 weeks. I feel like I've got lots of support from friends and family and I feel confident and strong at the moment.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks guys.
xx

[Raymond]

I am amazed that he han't said anything. No doubt he will. It took a lot of courage for you to do what you did and I can understand it from what you have had to go through. You really tried to make it work but it does take two.

Raymond