mal
30th December 2009, 08:34 AM
Hi,
I need some advice on how to handle the next couple of days. We have been together for 15 years, married for 9. We are childless, we did try for some time but my wife was forced to have a hysterectomy 1.5 years ago. I am a young 49, she 42. Both attractive, fit professionals and financially ok.
I have known that our relationship is a little unsteady for some time, not that we argue or fight, just maybe lack of intimacy, I'm usually too busy or disinterested to talk. Our sex life is almost non existant. Otherwise we have a good life, not too many stresses, live in nice place.
Anyway In the past month I found my wife to be more irritable generally but I assumed that it was the stress of building work going on in our house for the past 2 months, although a part of me suspected that there were other reasons for her unhappiness. The problem seemed to get worse after she spent the weekend with her best friend (female) in London 2 weeks ago. (We live in Scotland) On Christmas Eve my wife went to bed early, taking her mobile telephone with her. Now this is completely out of charactor and did the same on Christmas day when she went upstairs for a cat nap. This prompted me to check calls and of course I found a strange number called by her everday. I rang it of course and got a mans answer service.
We have family guests for christmas and so I had to wait until they had retired before sitting down with my wife. She told me that she is very unhappy, we never talk, our sex life doesnt exist, she admitted (when confronted) that she has been talking to this 3rd person (male) who is a friend of her female friend whom she visited. That they are "just friends" and that nothing had happened between them although she liked him and could talk to him. I explained how hurt I was that she had decieved me, that I knew there were problems but loved her. She has repeatedlyapologised for her behaviour but feels a "blackness regarding her future" She also said that following the hysterectomy she felt very depressed and that at the time hoped not to recover from the surgery. This was a complete shock to me. I suggested seeing a therapist for that problem but she dismissed that saying that she had dealt with that problem. My initial reaction was to express my feeling of hurt and loss of trust in her and that it would be a difficult thing to deal with in the future. She immediately accused me of giving up on the marriage. I thought afterwards that it could be that she wants me to finish things? I dont know.
We have had to put further discussions on hold until Friday when our guests leave. In the meantime I have left the marital bed as it was just too much to be lying with someone who may not want you there. Her behaviour is up and down, one minute calling me darling, giving me a peck on the cheek and acting as though nothing were wrong and the next being clearly irritated by having to be with me. Lots of brave faces are going on at the moment due to our guests.
How should I deal with this? She has not mentioned it but I suspect that she will want some space and this might include a trip to her friend. How do I respond to this, my gut reaction will be to give her an ultimatum, "go and we seperate". I'm sure that she would promise not to have contact with the 3rd person but I will be driven out of my mind knowing that it could be happening. I have had one previous marriage which ended due to her unfathfullness and know how people can decieve. I didnt really deal well with that break down and suspect that if I had behaved with more dignity that things could have turned out differently. I am holding it together, sleepless nights and private tears. I dont want to spoil my chances of coming through this by my behaviour over the next few days.
I love my wife very much and would like to heal this rift, if possible and would go to therapist and make life changes to help the relationship.
I don't really have anyone to talk to so please, some advice
I need some advice on how to handle the next couple of days. We have been together for 15 years, married for 9. We are childless, we did try for some time but my wife was forced to have a hysterectomy 1.5 years ago. I am a young 49, she 42. Both attractive, fit professionals and financially ok.
I have known that our relationship is a little unsteady for some time, not that we argue or fight, just maybe lack of intimacy, I'm usually too busy or disinterested to talk. Our sex life is almost non existant. Otherwise we have a good life, not too many stresses, live in nice place.
Anyway In the past month I found my wife to be more irritable generally but I assumed that it was the stress of building work going on in our house for the past 2 months, although a part of me suspected that there were other reasons for her unhappiness. The problem seemed to get worse after she spent the weekend with her best friend (female) in London 2 weeks ago. (We live in Scotland) On Christmas Eve my wife went to bed early, taking her mobile telephone with her. Now this is completely out of charactor and did the same on Christmas day when she went upstairs for a cat nap. This prompted me to check calls and of course I found a strange number called by her everday. I rang it of course and got a mans answer service.
We have family guests for christmas and so I had to wait until they had retired before sitting down with my wife. She told me that she is very unhappy, we never talk, our sex life doesnt exist, she admitted (when confronted) that she has been talking to this 3rd person (male) who is a friend of her female friend whom she visited. That they are "just friends" and that nothing had happened between them although she liked him and could talk to him. I explained how hurt I was that she had decieved me, that I knew there were problems but loved her. She has repeatedlyapologised for her behaviour but feels a "blackness regarding her future" She also said that following the hysterectomy she felt very depressed and that at the time hoped not to recover from the surgery. This was a complete shock to me. I suggested seeing a therapist for that problem but she dismissed that saying that she had dealt with that problem. My initial reaction was to express my feeling of hurt and loss of trust in her and that it would be a difficult thing to deal with in the future. She immediately accused me of giving up on the marriage. I thought afterwards that it could be that she wants me to finish things? I dont know.
We have had to put further discussions on hold until Friday when our guests leave. In the meantime I have left the marital bed as it was just too much to be lying with someone who may not want you there. Her behaviour is up and down, one minute calling me darling, giving me a peck on the cheek and acting as though nothing were wrong and the next being clearly irritated by having to be with me. Lots of brave faces are going on at the moment due to our guests.
How should I deal with this? She has not mentioned it but I suspect that she will want some space and this might include a trip to her friend. How do I respond to this, my gut reaction will be to give her an ultimatum, "go and we seperate". I'm sure that she would promise not to have contact with the 3rd person but I will be driven out of my mind knowing that it could be happening. I have had one previous marriage which ended due to her unfathfullness and know how people can decieve. I didnt really deal well with that break down and suspect that if I had behaved with more dignity that things could have turned out differently. I am holding it together, sleepless nights and private tears. I dont want to spoil my chances of coming through this by my behaviour over the next few days.
I love my wife very much and would like to heal this rift, if possible and would go to therapist and make life changes to help the relationship.
I don't really have anyone to talk to so please, some advice