EXH taking girlfriend to sons wedding

[jellybean28]

I am in a dilema at the moment and don't know what to do.

Son is getting engaged in January and ExH will be there with OW. When son and his partner told me they'd invited her I thought I was OK with it.
She will also be going to the Wedding in November.

I am still having a hard time dealing with the break-up of my marriage and don't want meet her at such a special time for our son.

I want to tell my son and his partner that I have decided to attend neither the engagement party or the Wedding if OW is going to be there, but can't for fear of hurting my son or losing my son (and possibly my other two kids) from my life.

This whole situation is making me very very depressed. I still struggle with the fact that I have lost my H to another Woman and don't think he will ever come back no matter how hard I pray for him to come back.

[j92cool]

Oh dear. I don't know how I would cope either. I remember saying to my boys that I would not be caught dead under the same roof as their father so they had better think about it before inviting him to any family gatherings. I feel terrible for putting such pressure on them and regrett saying it but at the time I meant it.

It would hurt your son so much if you did not go. I think you will need to attend and hold you head up high. You have done nothing wrong. I am amazed that the OW is game enough to come. She will be the talk of the town and I can only imagine that it will not be nice talk either.
Be the better person and show them you cannot be pushed aside.

[jellybean28]

Thanks for your reply j92cool.

The only family that will be there is myself, ExH (+OW), my other two children and son's girlfriends sister and step dad. ExH's family have nothing to do with my kids since separation and while we can't ask my mum to go as she will make a scene and she and I don't get on (confused yet lol?).:confused:
Other guests will be son and girlfriends friends and some of her family.

If I thought OW was going to be talk of town by her presence I would have let things be. My problem is I am still very emotional about things and hurt, she is 10yrs younger than me, and very attractive, nice figure etc, which doesn't help my self esteem, as I am a bit overweight and not very confiident. I don't know maybe I should pay an excort service and find a nice toyboy to walk in with maybe I could pay him extra to hit on OW.

ExH and OW have started giving kids heaps of money for Christmas and Birthdays I feel like I am slowly losing them to ExH and OW what with their money big house and swimming pool, I just can't compete, all I have to give them is love and support, except in this case because I can't support my son's decision to invite OW to his Wedding.

Losing my kids and granddaughters would destroy me. :(

[912jws]

JB,

I sympathise with you, I had the same situation with my little boys birthday a couple of months back where I told my wife I didn't want the new bloke there that she had thrust into their lives so quickly and thought she and he should respect this.
In the end I forced myself to go purely for my son and totally ignored the new bloke as he did me ;-) it was awkward but luckily one of my best friends came and also a couple of the mums from school so I didn't feel too out of place.
If you can take someone then that will probably help your situation :)
Its still difficult for me at times, I hate going round to the exes place although luckily I see my wife very rarely as most of my exchanges are done at school or with the aupair, as for the new bloke, I have seen him twice since they got together back in August :eek: even though he's bigger than me I will tell him where to go if he ever tries to speak to me in a pally way in the near future.

Make sure you go even if its difficult.

Good luck

Jon

[Raymond]

I think if you made a stand that you will not go if the other woman is there that would be quite reasonable. Everyone should understand that you have been betrayed and that this other woman is party to breaking up your marriage. Wouldn't you son understand that? It might even be possible that he could explain it to them so that she doesn't come. That is perfectly understandable in my view.

I think that is the right thing to do personally. It's your son not hers.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

First of all JB - keep your chin up. You have helped me more than anyone since I joined this forum and it is your ExH's loss. I am sure what ever you decide to do it will be for the right reasons - and if your son is anything like you he will see your point of view.

I would suggest talking to your son about this ASAP so whatever the outcome the 'damage' will be minimal. If you do decide to go (witch I hope you do) just be yourself. Dont worry about an escort or anything like that - it may work to your advantage for that 1 night, but it will work against you in the end.

If you want me to come then I could use the company too :)

Mark x

[jellybean28]

Thanks everyone for your replys.

Mark thank you for your kind words means alot to me. Thanks for offering to come along with me, still alot of travelling for you. Tell you what if I win the lottery tomorrow night I will send you a business class ticket over here that would really get everyone talking lol. :)

Have decided that I will tell son and his partner that I am not ready to share such a special day in their lives with OW.

Emotionally I don't feel ready to cope with her being there, I'm sure they will understand, if OW doesn't understand then that's her problem.
I just hope that ExH doesn't make them choose between her or me being there.

[Helen_uk]

I've given this quite a bit of thought jb...I wondered what I would do if it were me. I'd like to think I'd walk in, head held high and say " s*d them "... But you know what ? I wouldn't.

Firstly I couldn't trust myself to stay calm and be pleasant.. and it's not really the right time or place to lose it , secondly I couldn't trust myself not to break down and lose my dignity and I would HATE for ex or the OW to witness me in tears or upset...Lastly it would be my son's special day and unless I was 100 % sure I could handle it , I wouldn't want to spoil it for him...

I've not been in the situation myself, but I do know my limitations.

I think you're right, be honest with your son. It's not a case of " her or me " . You have the right not to put yourself through the emotional distress it would cause. If your son then decides he wants you there and not her, that's not your fault so don't feel guilty.

Failing that take Mark up on his offer hehehe ... Might be a long journey but worth it !


Hugs

Helen x

[jools]

Hi JB
This is one that I just HAD to reply to. I also have strong feelings about this. Your H's OW has no right being there. You gave birth to your son and raised him along with your ex. You are the people that should see him on the next stage of the journey. She's had no part in his upbringing - apart from the destruction of his family - so why should she be there? Don't threaten, just explain how hard it will be for you and how it will ruin what should be a happy occasion for you. If your ex makes them chose between her and you then that just shows him up to be very selfish. I hope everyone sees your point because you DO have a point on this one. Good luck.
Jools XXX

[georgie]

Hi JB, I think you have wonderful instincts and are a very sensitive empathetic person. Just be your honest self with your son. As Helen says Marks offer is a goodie - dont discount it!

[jellybean28]

Thanks everyone for your replies

Will be talking to Son tomorrow night and will let you know what happens.
Have a funny feeling I will have to tell ExH on behalf of Son oh well thank goodness for email and txt messages.

[Wedgewood]

Good luck with that. I am sure it will be ok with your son - he might even defend your corner. I am sure that things will work out for the best and, even though it is a special day with them, your relationship with your son is ongiong and not just about one day :)

It is what you do long term that counts!

[jellybean28]

Well as it ended up I put off phoning my son, and today decided to txt EXH was in the middle of the TXT when daughter in law to be rang and said EXh had just rang her to say OW wouldn't be at engagement party as her father had died.

I do feel very sad for OW for the sudden loss of her dad, it has freaked me out. I feel as if the universe is telling me something.

I mean OW could have grown horns or have all her hair fall out or better still she could have put on about 50KG over Christmas (EXH would have been freaked out and run for the hills :eek:), but instead her father dies, which has now put the wind up me so to speak.

[georgie]

The universe took fairly drastic action on your request - obviously u have more influence the u realised, use your power wisely from here on in!

[spiderman]

spooky Gillian !

[jellybean28]

That's not something I would ever request not even for my worst enemy.

Strange thing is I've had a strange feeling about the engagement party for a few days, thought it was to do with sons' partner posting it on facebook. Still have that feeling. Will let you know next week if anything else happens.

[georgie]

I'll be thinking positive thoughts !

[Ageing Grace]

Crikey! What freaky timing!

(Grace sneaks in a nasty hope that the funeral & engagement party coincide - XH may have to go to the funeral :p )


Gillian - about your 'feeling': Are you sure you're not just waiting for the other three weddings (and Hugh Grant)? :D

[jellybean28]

Thanks AG

Not waiting for more weddings but Hugh Grant there's a thought. Things are looking better already lol :)

I think XH would still come to the engagement if the funeral conicided, anything to avoid having to deal with emotions. Funny thing is had we still been together, he would have gone to the funeral instead of attend a special occasion of one of our kids.!!!! Makes you wonder sometimes.

[dalesman]

Hi jellybean,
15 or 20 years ago I went through a period when I was best man at quite a few weddings. The reason I was so popular was I am quite a well built chap and my main duties was to keep apart feuding parents who were divorced and were forced to spend the day together at their offspring's weddings. The combination of ex partners , new partners and too much alcohol was a dangerous combination. There were some very funny incidents although I'm not sure the brides saw the funny side.

[jellybean28]

Hi Everyone,

I'm back from the engagement party. If that's what you can call it. Sorry more like a Friday night backyard party for friends. With daughter in law to be very stressed Saying she didn't know why she had bothered and totallly disorganized, which made me feel very uncomfortable. She got herself totally drunk and by 10pm was almost involved in a fight out the front with some neighbours who had come down to congratulate them.
This girl has got some big problems!!!

As I was leaving D in Law to be told be Ex H wants all his family to be at wedding. This is not what the kids originally wanted, they just wanted brother and sister ex and I. He will pay costs for his family to be at wedding. As usual Ex H didn't have the balls to speak to me about it. :mad:

I made it very clear to D in Law to be (my daughter was also there) that if Ex's family attend I will not be there end of converstation. Son has been with girlfriend for six years and Ex H's family have not met her except his youngest sister and partner who was staying with him at Christmas, she met her once before when ex and I were together. His family haven't met my other two kids partners either. :rolleyes:

Onto Ex he hardley said two words to me, the whole night, even when I was sitting with the kids and their partners, kept looking at me as if I were a piece of trash. (mind you he looks like that at people who don't meet his expectations). He as aged so much since I last saw him or spoke to him four months ago. He's beginning to get excess hair on his body like some men do when they age Oh so sexy NOT!!! Had a nice man hit on me at the hotel where I was staying!!! which made me feel great:p

The good news is finally I am so over him and the Wedding, well it's my son's decision Ex's family or me and I will accept the decision one way or the other. Life is to short!! Especially with OW's father dropping dead, preventing her going to engagement party when I didn't want her there anyway.

I've rambled for long enough and I so need to get some sleep

[912jws]

Good for you JB!

I think you sometimes need difficult situations like this to move you forward even if its a slow process some times.

One step forward, two steps forward as they say ;) I am waiting for the one giant leap for mankind step forward, hopefully sometime this year fingers crossed :)

Jon

[jellybean28]

Well guys
A fathers money means more to my son and daughter-law to be than the love and support of his mum. The fact that son and DIL are hopeless with money and will run out before said wedding in November says alot.
Still I have made my decision on this one and have decided to send my EX the following message. Please feel free to give me your oppinion before I send it. In two weeks time I am supposed to be going to look after my granddaugters while they go off on a holiday. I am in two minds about even doing this as I feel son and DIL are using me as EXH and OW won't do it.

Thanks for Giving C and B the money for their wedding, because of your paying for the wedding they have chosen to invite your brothers who have barely bothered with Craig for years. I did explain to Bianca that I wouldn’t be attending the wedding if they came – especially G and D.

A while ago I explained to T that I had been advised by my counselor not to attend family functions with your family as not only do I find it awkward I also find it to be upsetting for me.

All I can conceive of from all of this is that I must be a really lousy mother for my son to prefer to have his father pay for his family to be at his wedding in place of his mother.
If I could take back or apologize for whatever it was I said or did to make you hate me so much I would do so in an instant so that if nothing else we could at least continue to be friends for the sake of the kids. As I have done or said a terrible thing, maybe it would be better for me just to walk away from the kids. I did my best, to be a good mum and love them seems it wasn’t good enough.

I give up Nl, I don’t know how to fix whatever it is that I’ve done to cause you to hate me, when all I tried to do was to love you the best way I could. For some reason I still do love you and always will, I always thought you would try and work things out with me, the fact that you never bothered will hurt me forever.

No matter what I will always love the kids and our grandchildren. Please pass this on to them

Yours (I wish it could have been forever)

Sorry for the huge post, but I am really hurting on this, don't think I can keep up the fight for much longer. I feel like a fifth wheel where my family is concerned. Done my job, got em to adulthood, tossed out now am no longer needed.

[Wedgewood]

OMG JB,

This is total BS, talk to me on FB or something!

I cant tell you how much I disagree with everyting in this post - I will probably get banned if I say what I am thinking right now!

Mark x

[georgie]

Hi JB
In my opinion you will regret sending this. It is probably good that you have expressed it and put it on paper, now I would suggest that you tear it up ceremonially.
Contacting your ex is a waste of our time and emotional energy, as i said in my post he's just a b'tard and it's not your fault.
To your kids he will always be 50% of their parents. I understand how you feel on this, I go through it all the time, no matter how indifferent my ex is to his kids and their needs, they continue to love him just the same.
DIL/MIL relationships are always difficult - even the best are bloody hard work.
Your son is probably trying to do the right thing and it's possible he may to some extent be influenced by the money, but it is probably more trying to keep his dad happy and hoping you will come around.
You may feel used by your son and DIL about looking after your grand kids, but on the other hand they are your grand kids and they will love to see you and have unconditional love for you and that is a gift that you can return to them.
You dont have to fix you exe's feelings for you. He may display hatred for you, but we all know that that is the tool these people use to justify their own actions. It is not true hatred, and he will not be talked out of it... that would mean taking responsibility for his own actions, and they NEVER EVER do that, so dont waste your time waiting for him to do the right thing, he simply WILL NOT.
You move on and be your truly wonderful self JB.
Be bigger then all of this, you are the better person. He had to resort to cash bribes to people he knows need the money. That made it difficult for them because it is combined with their emotional attachment to him.

You do not need to send this letter. It will not make you feel better. By sending it to him you are just throwing more of your feelings in to an emotional void. He doesnt care, it doesnt suit him to care, that would open a whole big can of worms for him and it's not going to happen.

I empathise with you totally, I'm waiting on permission from my X for my sisster to take my kids to Qld for a couple of days - he doesnt bother responding at all. I am so tempted to say that's fine, she can take them on the day before your wedding instead..and stay there until the day after... but who would that hurt ultimately? the kids and then of course as a consequence me.

we can never ask our children to chose between their parents any more then we can be asked to chose between our children.

Please dont send the letter. See your counsellor, meditate, see your GP. This is hard, hard stuff, some of the hardest life can throw at you. Dont make it harder for yourself.

Who cares about Neil or his brothers - they are your history.. stuff them!

Your kids love you there is no doubt about that at all. xxx

[jellybean28]

Thanks for your support guys, computer keeps crashing today so please don't be concerned if I suddenly go off line or don't answer.

Just got off the phone to my daughter, seems DIL has organized for her to come and help me look after the Kids, now I'm really p!##ed off. It seems she doesn't want me involved in the wedding except to look after the girls at the reception (that is if I go).Funny how a while back she wanted me to be involved because her own mum died a few years ago. But organizing my daughter to come look after the girls with me, without asking me first is pushing me too far. She also told daughter that she asked me because she couldn't get anyone else.

Stuff em I just don't care anymore. One day they will come to their senses and see just what they've lost.

Oh as for the email, don't know what has happended to it as my computer crashed, hadn't sent it, was just sitting there, will go and see if it went later.

[georgie]

hello again JB
Check out itunes - free podcast - Roy Masters Be still be now guided meditation - it's i think item number 17 on the list ... I think it will help clear your mind

I dont know anything about Roy Mastrs - he appears to be a fundamentalist christian - which is not my thing, but this is a good meditation. xxx

[jellybean28]

Hi guys thought I would update you all on the Wedding fiasco.

I just spent a week looking after my granddaughters while Son and DIL to be went away for a week. Boy did I get my eyes opened.

The wedding money is in cheque form for each person who needs to be paid. Good idea as they went away with very little money, and left big debts behind. I had to buy a vacum cleaner for them as they haven't had one since before Christmas, the girls had no winter clothes to fit them, so I bought 3 outfits each for them and shoes for the youngest - DIL didn't like what I had bought when they got back.

DIL spends any money presents given to the girls on herself (son's not really aware I think). Infact she would rather spend money on herself/friends and entertainment than pay for the basics, clothes, rent, electricty etc. The only reason they eat good food is because my son insists they eat well.

Have realized that DIL to be is manipulative and expects everyone else to pay her way. Ha she may have the EX sucked in but not me.

As for the Wedding I am only being invited to babysit the girls along with my daugther (son's sister) Ex, BOW his parents and youngest son are all are all sitting next to the bridal table, daughter and I along with a couple of other people and girls have been relegated some where at the back of the room.

I will go to the wedding along with my daughter. I will be nice, polite and sociable. As for DIL to be, I really don't care about her attitude. It doesn't change the fact that I love my son and his daughter and never will. What she doesn't realize is how bad this is making her look, just wish my son would wake up to her, his fear is he will lose his daughter if he doesn't go through with this whole fiasco.

In the meantime I am so grateful that I had a wonderful week with my granddaughter. She is such a delight and I will cherish that week always, my daughter came up and spent time with us also, our relationship is getting stronger each day and I am so proud of her.

As for my Ex - I've seen him for the lying, cheating B@#@ard that he really is, glad I didn't send the email he's not worth it.