Need Your Advice

[lee58]

I am 51, have been married for nearly 25 years, and have 4 children - 23, 21, 19, and 16. I was a stay-at-home Mom until my youngest child was in school full time. I am currently working part-time as a receptionist in a medical clinic. My husband (52) was employed for 29 years as an electrician, but was terminated over two years ago for medical reasons (diabetes), being physically "unkept" (unshaven, messy hair, unbrushed teeth, bad breath, always tired, etc.), and being found asleep in his work vehicle. He was initially put on administrative medical leave, underwent both medical and psychological tests, and was deemed not to be disabled. His employer decided to terminate him anyway. Since being put on administrative medical leave in May of 2007, then being terminated in September of 2007, he has not worked. Initially, he searched for jobs every day. He'd apply, but wouldn't get many interviews. When he did get an interview, it never went any further. Upon talking to my husband, it seemed he was telling employers what he couldn't do for them versus what he could do for them. He was shooting himself in the foot! I tried hard to help him search and apply for jobs. I tried to explain to him that he needs to "sell himself", tell an employer what he can do for them, let them know his good qualities. It seemed to go in one ear and out the other! Now, he barely job searches at all. He constantly complains of aches and pains, it's either too hot or too cold to go out job hunting, no one is hiring right now, one excuse after another. I am truly at my wits end! I have lost respect for him, and am no longer in love with him. I love him because he is the man I married and the father of my children, but I am not "in love" with him anymore. I am seeking your advice, what would you do if you were in my shoes? We cannot make it on my salary alone. We have no health insurance, which we desperately need. *Sigh*

[Raymond]

Sounds like you are ready to write him off after twenty five years.

If he has been faithful that is not the way to end it.

He obviously has problems and seems very discouraged.

I would say don't give up on him. He can't be all bad. I think you need to encourage the good that you might see and watch it grow and spread. Nagging will be a dead end but encouragement should produce life. Are you up to it or do you have so much disdain for him that you cannot do it?

Wives have tremendous power in the tongue to produce life or death in a marriage. That is the best thing you can do and only you can do it I think.

Raymond

[lee58]

I believe I have been, and can continue to be, supportive of my husband. We have been married nearly 25 years, we have had our ups and downs as every marriage has, but I did vow "for better for worse", "for richer for poorer", and "in sickness and in health". We have experienced the "worse", the "poorer", and the "sickness", yet we have managed to get through it.

I just sometimes wonder how hard my husband is actually searching for a job. I know many people are finding it difficult to find work with the economy the way it is. I am so worried about our financial situation. I'm currently working part-time, hoping for full-time hours after the new year. We are more than struggling to make ends meet. I wonder how much longer it might take my husband to find a decent job, any job! It's been over TWO years since he was terminated from his previous job.

lee58

[Raymond]

I have no doubt that you have money problems Lee but to end your marriage for it seemed a bit drastic.

Maybe your husband has got a bit lazy or maybe it's discouragement. Whatever it is you have to believe the best if you love him.

There are lots in his postion just now who have had so many turndowns they prefer to shut it out or whatever.

You are right he should be carrying on looking in an effort to meet the needs that you have as a family. Trouble is nagging will make it worse. This thing has the power to seperate you if you let it. When we start making judgments on our spouses and judge them guilty in our minds, something happens to weaken the marriage.

We all have our faults and need to bear with one another.

His best asset right now is you.

Let me ask a question. Has he worked well in the past and supplied the necessary needs or has he always been lazy? Is he going through a bad patch where your encouraging can help him? I don't know.

When I say encouragement I am not talking about encouraging wrong things only good commendable things when you see them. This is very powerful if a wife does it. Also there is a difference between criticism and speaking the truth in love. Emphasis on love. The former is destructive while the latter builds up.

I think the answer is in your words to him. A lot of women do not realise the power they have in the tongue to destroy or build up their husbands. I am not talking about flattery which gives one a false sense of importance but encouraging the good and seeing it grow and seeing him grow.

They say that behind every successful man is a good woman. There is an awful lot of truth in that.

Raymond

[jkk]

Hi

sounds like your husband is in a bit of a "rut". How long has he been diabetic? Has he always been unkept? After working for 29 years could "laziness" really be his only problem? Was he a good provider? A good dad?

There is a time in our lives - usually about fifty, when psychologically we reflect on our past, what we have achieved, what we wanted to achieve. If we have acquired our "goals", or surpassed the "goals", then we move on to the next stage of our lives peacefully and happily.

However, if we reflect, and haven't achieved what we wanted to, it causes unrest, unhappiness, feelings of inadequacy and failure - often leading to depression. It isn't a conscious, aware process of thought - most people don't realise they are going through this stage. Maybe if you look up psychological "life cycle" or "life stages", you might (or might not!), be able to see if your husband is at this stage, and get a few tips.

Just a thought.

However, he does sound a bit depressed, and seems to have low self-esteem. Both of which can exhibit themselves in general feelings of lethargy, and ill-health.

It is hard to be in love with someone that we do not respect. Maybe he doesn't respect himself much either. Hopefully, you will find a way though this difficult time, and get the respect and feelings of love back in your relationship.

I think that his problems lay deeper than "laziness". Get to the root of his problems, what triggered them, learn how to help him, maybe get some counselling.

jkk

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Lee. Thank you for writing here.

I'm afraid I'm only going to add to what Raymond and JKK have said ... all of which you know yourself, really :rolleyes:

It's more a matter of helping you to feel more optimistic & motivated, isn't it? I can well understand how frustrated - and worn out - you must be feeling. The last thing you need is to sink into hopelessness yourself, though that must sometimes seem like the only remaining option. Apart from leaving, that is - and I think you'd see yourself as a failure if you did that. So let's try a few alternative approaches.

Firstly, your husband really is ill. Although the diabetes has blighted both your lives for two years, I wonder whether the pair of you have really faced up to this fact? Let me try & explain.

I have CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) which, even more frustratingly than diabetes, isn't seen as a 'real' illness ... even by myself, until very recently. I'm sure your husband would identify with my exasperation at people constantly telling me how to cure myself with some freakish diet, myriad alternative therapies, energising exercise routines and so on. Every magazine I open seems to feature a radiant evangelist for yet another self-help regime.

All of this is well-meant. But the problem is ... it assumes I'd be back up & bouncing, if only I took the right approach. As it happens, I didn't choose to abandon my extremely comfortable, exciting lifestyle in favour of poverty on the sofa. If a few lifestyle changes could get my old life back, I would have damn well made them!

The net result of all this was to confirm - in my own mind: subconsciously, if you like - that I was 'useless'; 'wrong'; a failure as a person. Naturally, such feelings aren't conducive to good health or self-confidence. But the effect is a natural consequence of falling victim to a condition that really does make you less useful, and worth less. It's a nasty thing to get your head round.

But failing (or refusing) to get your head round it makes things worse: much worse.

Diabetes is a life-threatening illness. Before it kills you it can make you blind, cripple you, paralyse you, damage your brain and cause incremental organ failure.

Additionally, diabetes is one of the most common CAUSES of depression.

So your husband not only has an illness that makes him depressed, it also makes him less 'useful' and worth less - piling depression on depression. It's an egregious cycle, and it goes on for as long as you continue to think of yourself in terms of what you have lost :(
What you've got - now - is an illness.

If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest the pair of you address the facts of his illness together. He is depressed; he can't work as hard as a man such as he, who is not ill. Fact.

Okay, so what to do about it? First off, get help. I totally appreciate why you say you wish you had private health insurance! Mind you, I did have it - it stops paying out after 12-18 months, so you'd be back exploring the resources of our wonderful social support system by now anyway.

I've posted, several times, that I'm grateful for the system - and I mean it. Getting it to work as intended is a full-time job in itself, though! This is a job your husband can apply himself to. Never mind miracle cures: finding and using the available resources really will help him to start getting it back together.

I'm not a benefits adviser - wish I were! I did, however, manage to get an adviser assigned to me (not easy, but it's possible) and she taught me many valuable things. I'll pass on a few:
1. Disability, as defined by doctors, has nothing to do with disability as defined by the DWP.
2. Read up on [1] at http://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk
3. You're allowed to earn up to £90 a week on top of benefit, as long as you've cleared it with "them".
4. You should apply for every benefit that could conceivably fit your situation, for two reasons: "they" often say no the first time, as a matter of course; being registered with the system opens up many support resources, even if you don't get money - those resources can help you get better, boost your confidence, extend your network and even find suitable work :)

First: face up to it. Next: go for it!

Has any of this clicked? What do you think so far??

Cheers, and don't forget to enjoy Christmas -
AG

[Helen_uk]

What AG said !

I have a condition called Fybro Myalgia on top of another condition called Sjogrens Syndrome . Neither of which are easy to treat and leave me worn out and totally fed up. Haven't been able to work for many years and sometimes I just don't have the energy for ANYTHING . Add depression to the mix and it can sometimes feel like a miserable existence.

It's sometimes VERY difficult for my partner to support me ( we've only been together a year ) and neither of my ex husbands could cope with it so I know how hard it is for you when it appears your H isn't trying .

As AG said, first have a benefits check and see if you're getting your full entitlement , costs nowt to apply and you may be surprised. Try to look after your own emotional health, that's very important when you're supporting someone, know matter how much you love them. You're human and have needs too.

See if there is any support network you can get help from and if your H is still applying for jobs, try to get him to the local job club, where he can not only mix with people but get advice on how best to apply for jobs/attend interviews.

Be kind to yourself and you may find it's then easier to cope... Feeling guilty about everything doesn't help... I found that out for myself.

Helen