his he just lying to ease his guilt

[tricia]

My hubby left me today we was together for 24 yrs 25 in march 2010, we have 2 children 19 and 21. He started having an affair 15 months ago i didnt find out whilst july this yr when he left after an arguement because he was never here. Think i gave him the excuse he was looking for didnt know about her then he left for 5 wks but then came back i still didnt know about her my daughter read a text from her in my hubbys phone and told me 3 days later it destroyed her and me, we were just working things out we, we had just come back from a weekend away i didnt know at the time that my hubby was using this weekend away to see if he still loved me and apparently he did still love me, 3 days later my daughter tells me the devastating news, i told him to leave which he did for 2 wks, we talked about it a few days later he said I had not been as attentive to him as i had been i was focusing on the last yr of university which he encouraged me to do for a better life for all of us. I have now qualified dont know how, just glad i finished university before i found this out.
I have got a good job well paid and for life, we are both 40 she is 27 she is on benefits and housing benefits she as a 6 yr old child to a man who doesnt bother with the child, i have no problem with anyone on benefits what hurts is hes given up our own home and everything we worked for for her. He said to me in a text he wants to come back but needs to do this his way, is he just softening the blow, he said he does love me and wants me but how can he love me and do this how do i carry on when my heart is broken. cant get rid of the images in my head god this hurts so much.

[Raymond]

This is devastating Tricia. Thats what adultery does. I think that even if he came back there will be a lot to clear up. Walk back in after that? I feel for it to ever be how it was before there needs to be some repentance on his part and a total change around. There would be a lot of trust to win back. Would he be even up to it?

Raymond

[tricia]

Thankyou, Raymond for replying, I spoke to my son yesterday who said he asked his dad to leave whilst he sorted his head out my son said what he was doing wasnt right and he wouldnt allow for me to be hurt anymore, my hubby as been texting me all day saying once he sorts his head he wants to come home, he said hes left to give us both space to think, but he has realised he doesnt want us to finish, weve agreed he stays away for a week and if he does come back then i want proof that its finished with her, she blooming stalks him and me, she wont let go ive heard from friends whom know her that she does this all the time apparently she split up another couple before us, he was besotted with her the typical i love her and all that ive done lots of research on affairs and mistresses/otherwoman and he is in love with the fantasy of it not in love with her and he will come to realise this one day its do with the mans low self esteem and ego but he wont have that. When we first split up i went on a date this was five weeks after, my hubby found out and demanded i finish with the other guy cos he had made a mistake and still wanted me and loved me, yet he was still seeing her which i didnt know about at first (he told me it was over) the last few wks he wasnt seeing her that much very little in fact i placed a tracker on his car and knew is whereabouts. now i dont know what to do i love him and cant imagine my life without him and he says the same, im trying to get through each day by still going to work but its so hard when i come home and hes not here, i do think hes missing me cos hes the one constantly texting saying he loves me and will show me when he comes home. I asked him to stay away whilst we had this break and he as but he said today he had not been to see me cos i asked him not tobut its killing me im not sleeping ive lost 1 and half stone in weight since all this happened, ive got a good figure size 8/10 was a size 12 before im not ugly in fact i get chatted up everytime i go out but ive never been interested. ive seen her and she doesnt have a patch on me, when i said this to my husband he said she reminds him of me in everyway apart from the looks (im better looking lol) he even said he wasnt with her for the sex it was companionship, he said she didnt have a patch on me when it come to that department so why chose a tart who is nothing compared to me this is what is so hard to accept or should i say not understand. ive never hurt him ive always been there for him throughout our whole marriage apart from last year of uni when i had to concentrate on my finals (Exam), this is when it started, wish i could turn back the clock but i cant im gutted xxx

[Raymond]

You are where you Tricia and it has to be worked out. You have a good son there it seems. One who has his head screwed on right. He is right. It is wrong what your husband is doing.

There is no way things are going to go on as they did. Your wanting this too much could cause you to compromise and never get back to where you should be.

The bottom line is for him to have nothing to do with this woman. To cut off all contact. Then you need that repentance from him and the will to make it up to you and regain your trust which has been shattered.

Without this you are going nowhere I'm afraid regardless of his words of love. You need to see proof of this love in the above acts otherwise he is deceiving himself and you could be deceived.

In your woundedness you could be compromised to be with a husband who is in adultery. The marriage cannot be mended until it is all dealt with properly.

Raymond

[tricia]

Thankyou Raymond yes i know you are right its just so hard last night i was strong today i feel weak and helpless again, its xmas soon and i dont know how i will get through it, i know they say take each day as comes but how do you do that when your head keeps looking forward and its nout but misery, i also know they say time is a great healer wish i had a fast forward button, but then if that happened how would i get stronger i suppose.Only a few know what is happening hes not told anyone, i have just my sister and best freind is mates are my best friends too and would go mad if they found out what he was doing he avoids them as much as he can guilty i suppose, his family dont know i get on great with them and his mum and dad would be devastated if they knew she asked to name me in her will to sort thins out if she passes away, i said yes how can i tell people whats going on i dont want them to laugh at me or feel sorry me or jeopadise things with my husband if we get back together again, dont know where to go from here feel like im living in limbo. love xxxxxx

[Raymond]

You are in Limbo Tricia, marriagewise. Really the most consistent attitude in that postion which comes up again and again is "Hope for the best but be ready for the worse".

On the bright side you have a good job and are not financially relying on him as a lot of people in your position are. You have a great son by the sound of it and you have to be your best for him. He is worth it.

You talked about strength. You will be getting stronger through this funny enough. You have to. So you must look up and not down.

I expect you feel a rending or tearing deep within you as being married is a joining of souls. The tearing away is very painful but the staying together while he is doing adultery will be meaningless. You need to go for all or nothing. If it turns out to be nothing and you accept it you will be healing from that day on, believe me. The most dangerous place is halfway house. Not one thing or the other. That could lead to wasted years. Half a marriage is not worth anything.

Raymond

[tricia]

Hi Raymond thankyou, why do i allow him to it, why cant i just walk away, if it wasnt for going to work i think i would go insane, believe me im just managing to go, how long does it take for this pain to go, i feel like i need to get revenge on the both of them to make myself feel better, they have ripped my world apart and their living happily ever after whilst im devastated, my hubby is still texting me saying he wants to come back but if he did wouldnt he be here now god it hurts so much. Why would he choose her over me ive done nothing wrong??? it doesnt matter what i say he sticks up for her something keeps telling me hes having a midlife crisis hes changed in to someone i dont recognise (hes 40 same as me) even when he was at home he was here in body but not in mind and i know thats no way to live but i still want him back. how long will this pain last before it turns to anger i say forget it, she is on benefits and what she is doing when hes there is breaking the law and i so want to say something to spoil it for them why should she be happy when shes hounded him and made my life a misery with phonecalls, texts etc. Going to work now so speak soon thankyou xxxx

[Raymond]

Tricia he will not be happily ever after with her believe me. He should see her as she is, the enemy of your marriage and not stick up for her. A mid life crisis is a good excuse for adultery but it is still adultery.

Forget revenge. Leave that to God. You could waste the rest of your life in bitterness Tricia.That is not the way to go for your own benefit even if it feels it is. That way he will always have something over you.

I know you are going through pain. One has only only read through some of the stories on here to understand that. You are certainly in a limbo. Is it going to work or isn't it. Your core instincts are to want him back. The reality is this other woman is involved. While it is like that I cannot see any future in your marriage even if he is back.

Really the ball is in his court. If he wants you then he has to deal with it properly. Hanging on to this woman will not produce any future with him for you.

The other fallout is what it is doing to you and you really need to be strong and cope with the damage that is being done. There will be light at the end of the tunnel if that is the route it takes, even though it takes time.

Raymond

[tricia]

Hi Raymond, I actually feel stronger today????? he called in knowing i went out after work for a few drinks and i am going out tonight, I refuse now to sit and mope. I told him if he comes back then things with her after be finished fullstop and if he cant do that then theres no point in coming back i told him hes broke my heart since july and i need to go forwards not backwards. I want proof that its definatelty over, i said i cant sit and grieve anymore. i actually laughed to myself when he left i think he expected tears but there were none i said ok see ya later he approached me twice for a kiss, he looked rough he hasnt had a shave since tues, he looks really stressed whilst i despite in the beginning forced myself to eat i dont want to lose anymore weight, my hair was nice i looked nice and he must have thought oh she hasnt gone to pieces this time, he even had the cheek to tell me not to go drinking in a certain pub cos thats where i met the guy i spoke about in my earlier post what a joke.
i know if its not sorted by xmas it will be hard cos its the first one in 24 yrs i will have spent without him but my brain keeps telling me at least next yr i will either be stronger for this or even in a better relationship either way like you said its his loss. I may feel down again tomorrow but for now im enjoying the peace i feel from not hurting. thankyou for keeping me sane xxxx

[Raymond]

Well done Tricia. You put it to him straight. That took a lot of strength. Yes you may weaken today but you did the right thing while you had the strength. You must stick to it.

It is up to him now to finish this business and win your trust back. If he doesn't then he knows where you will stand. What you are looking for is repentance not remorse that he got caught or had to end it. Repentance means that he wants you and is truly sorry about what happened and will want to win your trust back. Remorse is being sorry he had to end it which is not the same and could lead to secret liasons. You don't want that. The difference is important.

I really hope he sees it. Faithfulness is so important in marriage. Presumably he made vows which he has now broken. I think what you said will make him think about this.

Raymond

[tricia]

I am finding it so hard i want to curl up in bed and never get up i was strong now i feel so helpless wish someone would take this pain away its killing me xxx

[Raymond]

Trish you have done the right thing. You have to hang on and try and encourage yourself. You cannot make his decisions for him even though you want to. You had the strength to do the right thing and even though you are in the valley now you will rise. The potential loss is hitting you hard as you have been married a long time. You have been betrayed and it is not nice. He will be thinking hard about what you said. Am praying for you right now. Things will be happening in you if you hang on and clarity will come. You haven't rejected him. You have layed down the terms for coming back together. You know it will not work if he is hanging on to her in his mind. No marriage can work that way.

You have to try and ease the emotional pain. Through others perhaps, your son your friends? Maybe the thought of someone new in the future? He just might turn round but if he doesn't you must be ready. Why should he ruin the rest of your life although he is causing pain now?

Make sure you get enough sleep and enough to eat. Sounds trite but you need to keep your strength up. Look after yourself and even treat yourself at this time.

Let us know how it is going and what is happening. Right now try and keep going. Am thinking of you. A big hug down the line.

Raymond

[tricia]

Hi Raymond and thankyou, he called yesterday i finally lost it with him he still hadnt decided what he wanted, we talked i cried (wish i didnt now) think everything came to an head yesterday my emotions were undiscribable he left he said trust me (WHAT A JOKE) he wants me to trust him and what he is doing after everything hes done. I told him if he wanted me he would be back home he said he needs to finish it with her on his terms not mine, yes i can understand that I dont want him to do it if its not what he wants otherwise like you said i will be living in a halfway house. when he left he sent a text saying i need you to be strong and when i come back i promise it will have ended for good. I went shopping with my daughter bought xmas presents and treated myself. I felt much better this morning and sent him a text saying I do love you but your problem is not mine and whilst you decide what your doing i willl give you the space you need, but not to text or call home again. He pays some bills at this address and i said to meet my daughter and give the money to her, he texted back and said ok i will and then said ok i wont bother you again bye, i told him i dont want to fall out with you but you calling and then leaving is just knocking me backwards, i didnt get a reply.
Anyway whilst at work this morning my sister whom works on a different ward called to tell me some bad news my brother had an accident last night he works nights and got his hand mangled in a machine i just broke down and phoned hubby straight away thats what i used to do, forgot hes not the that person anymore, however he rung my other brother and informed him whilst i rung my mum to find out what had happened and what the outcome was, he may lose his right hand if not definately two fingers his bone in his wrist his protruding out of his skin, he had to be rushed to a specialist hospital hes in theatre has i write this, it doesnt rain but it pours. They let me leave work to go to my mums, hubby picked me up from there and was willing to take me to the hospital which is far away but they said theres no point because he will still be in theatre and will be out of it when he goes back to the ward, hubby dropped me home i just said see ya and came straight into the house i didnt look back at him and he waited untill i got in before he drove off think he was expecting me to ask him in but i didnt. I need to be strong now i even told my mum everything she was gutted but said she would stand by me with what ever decision i chose, it felt good to tell her as i had been avoiding alot of people because of it her included think she wanted to fatten me up she made me a big sandwich and told me to eat it.
My hubby doesnt know she knows. I said to my mum today heres me crying over my husband and my brother may lose his hand, i said can replace my husband but my brother cant replace his hand. Oh god my brother as recently split up from his wife and three kids and now this hes such a gentle giant and doesnt deserve this, why is it that people who should get their commupance dont yet the innocents ones suffer.

[tricia]

I texted begging him to come home whats wrong with me, i was doing so well but he wont, i cant function i dont want to celebrate xmas its too hard wish someone could take this pain away sorry for wining but i feel helpless. xxxx

[j92cool]

Dear Tricia

It's just not fair is it. So much to deal with all at once. I know what it is like my year has been terrible I don't know how I stayed sane but I did. What is the old saying "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger". Well it has proved true for me and I'm sure it will be the same for you. Just take it one day at a time and allow yourself to work through your emotions. Keep strong and stick to you guns. Christmas will be hard but try and make the best of it. I have been a bit anti christmas this year too but I know my sister would not want it that way so I making an effort.

Sending you positive vibes for christmas. Be strong but be kind to yourself too.

Hugs

Janine

[Raymond]

Good advice Janine. You are going through a lot Trish.

I am sorry about your brother. I hope they are able to redeem as much use of his hand as possible.

Your husband is a bit of an enigma. The words that stick with me are "I will finish it in my way". What does that mean? You are wise to let him do it as it has to be freewill or it is worth nothing. There is hope in that he said when he comes back he promises he would have ended it for good. Thats pretty straight forward. You wouldn't want him back unless that were the case. Does that mean he is severing the relationship now?

What I find difficult is the assumption that you will automatically be there when his relationship has finished. When you begged him to come back it does sort of put you in the position of a doormat. I know you regret this now. You don't want to put him into the position of having committed adultery he comes home to a hero's welcome. I think some repentance is necessary but that will be affected in how strong you feel. He ought to feel some risk that he may lose you otherwise the relationship will be one sided.

If he gets the idea that you are totally dependent on him regardless I don't think that will be a good thing. We all need our spouses but this dependency when they are doing adultery can send the wrong message.

Whatever I suppose now you just have to wait. I would try and get some independence in the meantime and build up you own life. He is coming back on your terms not his. I would make it harder not easier if you have the strength to do that.

Raymond

[tricia]

j92cool and Raymond thankyou my brother had plastic surgery now we after wait and see if its worked fingers crossed. I understand what you are both saying and at times i convince my self i can do it then i crumble this as been going on since july (since i found out its been on and off) however the last 2 wks have been the worst since he moved out. To top off i went to get some last minute things and i saw her the tramp in question i really wanted to go and rip her head off but i didnt. how can a man leave his family at such a special time of the year, xmas will be forever tainted because of him. He still keeps telling me not to tell his family and friends???? what do you think i feel so guilty when his parents ring and i have to pretend things are ok, is he hiding the affair cos he is ashamed or he wants to come back and would look like a fool if he did what are is motives for this. Is he just stringing me along, he did say he loved her GOD THAT HURT, is it a fantasy and he thinks hes in love, hes been seeing her for over year from my reckoning (thats when he changed) can he build up these sorts of feelings in that time it took us yrs to get where we are, so many questions, i am sorry but it feels better knowing someone is listening and understands thankyou xxxx

[jellybean28]

HI Tricia,

Sorry to hear about your brother, I hope his surgery will be a success.

Now onto you. You Husband sounds like my ExH being to gutless to tell anyone or let you tell anyone, this is because you have been wronged and have nothing to hide.

I made the mistake of doing everything my ExH asked of me, keeping it a secret, from family and friends, oh and his work, because heaven forbid, it might affect his contract and pay rise. I went along with his SELFISH SECRET because I wanted him to give us a second chance.

While you are letting him call the shots, and pretend all is well, it's not.
Tricia you have a lot on your plate at the moment and my advice to you, is to stop pretending all is well, you need to look after your needs at this time and if that means having a good cry, and telling friends and family what's going on then so be it.

You are right your husband is stringing you along. Do what is right for you.
Don't do the needy, dependant thing,I've been there and done that and it doesn't work. Raymond and J92cool have given you some good advice

Stay strong, be kind to yourself you deserve it.
Hugz Gillian

[tricia]

Thankyou Gillian i know i should learn to control myself but when i see him its so hard when he goes and if he ignores my text i get angry, how do i control this, how do i get the images of him and her out of my head??? what has she got that i havent, i know i just need to make it through xmas. Ive got another dilemma my daughter has invited him for xmas dinner shes cooking it with a lot of help from me, how do i play happy families when my heart is breaking and i cant bare to see him go later on. Any advice on how to get rid of the images and thoughts in my head of the both of them together will be truley appreciated thankyou.

[jellybean28]

Oh Tricia

2 years ago I had to play happy families with my Kids on Christmas Day,
we had just broken it to them that we had separated, we were still living in the same house at the time. All I wanted to do was crawl into a corner and cry, but I got through the day OK.

One thing my H told everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, I told family it wasn't true and he had broken my heart. He was sneaky in hiding OW for nearly a year, before youngest son caught them out. I knew he had been cheating, but couldn't (or didn't want to) prove it. :eek:

How do you get images of them together out of your head? I have no idea, I'm still trying to come to terms with things and get images of us together during happier times out of my head.

Wish I could say more to help.

Remember you are not alone here, there are plenty of good people who have been though similar things, with some good advice.

Posting can be of great help.
Take care Tricia I am thinking of you

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Tricia. Just wanted to add my good wishes to you, as well. I'm glad you told your mother as there is no reason on this earth why you should be carrying the burden of HIS GUILT for him!! Tell as many people as you want - you need the support, and hiding something doesn't make it go away.

I don't know what I'd do about the Christmas dinner. You're emotionally very fragile (understandably) and it may be horribly difficult to force yourself through a jolly Christmas Day with him in the same room. Can you discuss this with your daughter and your mum; see if you can come up with a compromise to protect your feelings on the day?

You're absolutely right to leave hm to sort himself out. I know how you reach for him when stuff goes wrong - out of habit, more than anything else. We all do it; don't beat yourself up over it but slowly try to replace him as your first port of call. Put your family & friends on auto-dial instead of him!

Remember YOU are important :) Take the best care of yourself ... Gather good people around you, and leave him to get himself out of his own silly mess. After a short while, you will be stronger if you love your self.

Best of luck, and good wishes for your brother too.
AG x

[tricia]

Thankyou everyone this site is keeping me sane at the minute. Ive decided I am not goner text or call him if he wants to talk then he can text/call first, i did find that for a few days when i ignored him he was asking if i was ok and then telling me he loved me, when i hound him with texts or calls he ignores me.
Im not goner ask if hes still coming for xmas dinner, however he did send a text and ask if their was anything i wanted for xmas or would i like the money (I love the sales) i told him that xmas day was about the kids and if things get sorted then we can have our xmas day another time, i didnt want him to take the stuff i had bought him to impress her. He did actually agree to buying me presents and keeping them here unopened until things were sorted.
Im working tomorrow on a late shift so ive wrapped everything cleaned the house from top to bottom, he is dropping some money off tomorrow for bills, i asked him to post it as im going out, he wont like this but he should be here then shouldnt he.
Im trying to keep the other woman out of my head as i cried today when i said to my sister i bet hes bought her and her child presents and shes bought him. My sister told me not to think about her or him to think of myself.
She had a good talk to hubby a wk ago and said what he was doing wasnt right and he should stay away until hes sure, my sisters ex-partner did the same to her they had been together about 11 yrs, she was distraught like me, he was the same telling her he was coming back and then not, but three months later she met the man shes with now, her ex-partner regrets it to this day.
She said to my husband dont leave your decision too long or you will lose her, he said i know this.
Im goner try and be miss happy go lucky even ifs its just a front for his benefit i will not act needy/desperate around him again thankyou everyone again xxxx
Just edited this post lol
Just been in the bath and her face came into view (I had seen her pics on facebook) so i focused on the image i saw today when i saw her in town. when i looked at her pics on facebook she was a size 12/14 quite a fattish face, today however she looked a size 10 and her face looked drawn, she seemed to be in a rush and i thought god that was me, whenever i went shopping i wouldnt stay in town any longer than necessary as i was scared of hubby disappearing to hers now the shoes on the other foot and she will be worried, i laughed to myself and said ah now its your turn. She doesnt know me cos i blocked her when i found out about her and if she had seen the pic on facebook well that was when i had blonde hightlights and i straightened my hair, i now have brown naturally curly hair.
ive decided to focus on me by putting my weight back on, pampering myself and making myself look my best, she however will continue to look drawn cos now she will be worrying if hes coming to see me, so then she will start nagging him and hopefully he will realise the that the green grass is starting to fade, me however will look incredible ha ha ha xxx

[tricia]

Here are some words i found which are so true:

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn...

[Raymond]

Thats good stuff Tricia. Reminds me a bit about Jesus words about not having worry about tomorrow. Todays concerns are sufficient. Doesn't mean you can't plan though.

I hope you have taken Jellybean's and AG's advcice about not keeping his dirty secret. I think you you share with your close friends and relatives and let it go. You are afraid that it will spoil his route back to you. I think the opposite might be true. Letting it out could bring him to the end of himself and make him face up to the truth about his adulterous actions. There is no good reason why you must keep it a secret.

I think you have a danger in wanting the worse and getting revenge on the other woman. That could be why you keep thinking of her. You must leave her to God and not try and take revenge as that binds you to her in the wrong way. Two wrongs do not make a right. As you say focus on what you have to do.

Everything you say is right about the field being greener on the other side. It will come to nothing but try not to get involved with it in your thoughts. The ball is in his court really. You cannot control it as it says more or less in the words that you quoted.

Raymond

[tricia]

Thankyou raymond, well i did something really stupid last night. i went to bed and was woken up in the early hours to my husband knocking on the door, he had been out and because of the heavy snow we are having he could not get a taxi, a friend of his saw him and offered to drop him home, therefore he turned up here, i asked why he was here he said he wanted to come home so he spent the night (God I could kick myself) however this morning he gets up and leaves telling me he will see me xmas day, i was devastated felt used and told him so, he said he loved me and he would be coming home and he left. That cant and will not happen again i felt like the mistress i remembered thinking this morning god this is what used to happen when he lived here, he would go out and return home at 7 and 8 in the morning occasionally and say he had been to the night club which now opens while 10am once a month when really he had been with her. i texted him when he had gone and told him how i felt, i didnt get a text back until 5pm this evening, saying he knows things are not good right now but once i come back i will make you so happyxxxx love you. why is he doing this is it because im being the doormat, its so easy to give in when you miss someone and just want them home. I know that wont happen again because it made me feel cheap and i am not. I have got some sleeping tablets today, i cant sleep with constant knot and butterflies in my stomach if i do manage to get some sleep as soon as i wake up the knot and butterflies are back. I know this is a process we after go threw in order to get through it but why cant we switch off our feelings when they so easily can???? It pains me to know he wont be here xmas morning and will be with her and her 6 yr old child, what about his own family how can he be so uncaring or not think about what affect this as on me and our kids. I am glad xmas is only a day and when i get through it hopefully i will feel better. thankyou for listening and replying xxx

[Raymond]

When I come home I will make you really happy? Something hollow about that Trish. If you have something in your power to give by your hand you give it now, not say tomorrow. It sounds to me like he is still taking his fill of her and he is going to come back to you when he is finished. That is absolutely awful and shows no repentance at all. I think he is living in cloud cuckoo land. It just doesn't work that way.

My instinct is to write him off as a husband until you see real repentance. Accept that it is ended and live a new life without the knots in your stomach. This business seems full of lies and deceit to me. Marriage only works with faithfulness. Without that it does not work at all. It is showing no respect for you.

I think you have to be careful of his words that seem to me like empty promises. They have the power to knot you up if you let them. You are hoping for the best and could be in danger of accepting empty words instead.

Until you see the real McCoy, genuine repentance and a desire to rebuild your trust (you will know it when you see it) don't accept this halfway house business. I think you ought to have a funeral for him and not turn until you see the genuine article otherwise there could be a lot of needless pain for you.

Raymond

[tricia]

Hi Raymond xmas wasnt too bad felt quite cheerful, he came for xmas dinner even helped my daughter to cook it he bought me a nice card and put some money (I prefer money for the sales and something to open) in it and said he has got me some presents for when we have our xmas day (when he comes back?????). Anyway havent seen him until today it was too hard spoke to him on the phone he rung we had a good talk without crying and argueing. Told him straight I dont want him back if hes not finishing it with her for good i said i cant have my heart broken all over again, so lets see. Any way he called i went out to the club last night a club he had been trying to get me to go for yrs but i couldnt because when i was at university i worked every weekend, he asked why i went when i wouldnt go with him, i told him what i said whilst at uni when i finish my studying my life will start again and i ment it. Im doing the things i missed out on whilst studying and working at the time my exams etc were more important. Dont think things are what he thought they would be when he left, he looked stressed today (felt sorry for him didnt tell him though) we talked about every day things and whats goner happen with us he said he doesnt want to lose me, the cheekie pig even asked me to lend him some money to go the football match i told him no, i said if the circumstances were different you could have had it but i dont want to feel used, took alot for me to say no normally i would have give it him cos i was scared that i would push him further away. I didnt cry and make a fuss when he left he gave me a cuddle and a kiss and told me he loved me. Didnt feel upset either today must be one of my strong days. Ive give myself whilst the new year and if nothings changed then i know i will have to move on, trying to get myself prepared now although my brains willing my heart isnt yet. everything you say Raymond makes so much sense and slowly its starting to sink in. i thought i would die when he left but im still here 2 and half wks later and probably getting stronger although not quite sure how yet??? love Tricia

[MarkHenley]

Hi Tricia
It's the first time that I've replied to somebody else's thread - I've got my head so far up my own backside that I can't see the light! All you can do at the moment is try to hold on to your emotions enough to avoid doing anything which you know you'll regret. A lot easier said than done. Is there nowhere you can get away to, even if only for a few days? A little change of perspective might help.

[tricia]

Hi Mark thanks for replying if i could get away i would, at the minute dont feel too bad now but as you know i could be an emotional wreck tomorrow.
On another note i actually thought of telling his family whom Im extremely close to but didnt i dont see why i should be one to tell them, he did the dirty he should be man enough to tell them, even if he does and lies they will know that what i tell them afterwards will be the truth, ive stood by him through a lot of things and they know this, i am respected by each and everyone of them. think they know somethings not right ive not been to see them this xmas, neither has he so they keep ringing me to see if im alright, hubby is panicking at this so lets see how this pans out.
He knows his family will never accept her for splitting our family up especially at this time of yr (his mum was cheated on and he left for the other woman, she took overdose and was a wreck for months but her husband did eventually come back and hes so different now a better man to her than he was so she will understand the pain im in).
My cousin is married to my husbands brother we are really close she would make the girls life hell if she even thought about attending family occasions ect, i sort of get some peace knowing this.
Sorry to hear your in the same boat but knowing I have someone to help me through this gives me great comfort, although i do wish were all communicating through happier circumstances, i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy, however i do hope that the karma bus does eventually knock her down and she gets what she deserves. I say this because of the texts and rude phonecalls i had been getting from her previous to my husband leaving.
Wish there was fast forward button but if there was what we learn or take away from this ??? Has a friend of mine said you cant see the light yet but she will carry that light and eventually for us it will come in to view thankyou for replying Tricia xxxxx

[Raymond]

Well done for not lending him the money Tricia. You don't want to encourage any of this lifestyle he has chosen. It's a good thing you have family behind you regarding the other woman. That can be a strength in the long run and help him to see the error of his ways.

I'd still hold out for true repentance if it ever does come. Well done for letting him know you don't want him back unless the thing is totally finished. He has to have clear choices. That way you are not allowing him to have his cake and eat it, which seems to be what he is trying to do. I think the more you are able to face up to a total break the more you will have the courage to do the right thing, otherwise fear controls things. There are signs that you are beginning to do that. Whatever way it falls it is the right thing to do.

Don't get involved in her come uppance. As I said leave that to God. You do what you have to do. You don't want to let bitterness in as that will affect your life in a negative way.

I know you are finding it hard but I see the strength coming even if you still get weak days. Believe me I want to see marriages prosper and thrive but certain things have to be in place. Faithfulness is one of those things without which a marriage cannot function in the joy it was meant to.

Raymond

[tricia]

Well husband rung and said he loves and misses me and wants to come home???? he said he woke up yesterday and realised how much and rung me to tell me so lets see what happens now??? he wants to come home were going on a date tonight so we will see what transpires from that!!!!! he said he has finished it with the other woman??? well actions speak louder than words, i believe me backing off and leaving him to it made him realise that i will get through this with or without him and that im a lot stronger than i was 3 wks ago. never thought id get out of bed again but just goes to show, i know theres a lot of work involved but he said that too so hopefully it begins tonight, will let you know how it goes. Tricia xxxxx

[Raymond]

I think your actions have worked to a certain extent Trish.

We will see what becomes of this. I hope he treats it with the weight it deserves. It's not like coming back from a holiday.

I am rooting for you and do want things to be right.

Raymond

[tricia]

Well he is back home, feels a bit strange i sort of feel like where do we go from here, do i back off and let him talk to me, dont want to not talk in case he thinks im not interested, how do we make things between us interesting again, i suppose we have to take each day as it comes and slowly begin to communicate properly and continue to do so thankyou xxxx

[Raymond]

The picture will become clearer as you go Tricia. It's not really a situation for a big welcome back considering what has happened. You are wise to tread carefully until the picture becomes clearer.

After you are relating properly again the trust issue will be there to sort in you. This will take some time. He needs to have the will to win that back.

I won't say too much just now. For the moment you need time to take in what has happened, relate again and see where you are now marriagewise. There will also be a lot of healing happening in you that needs time also.

Keep in touch.

Raymond

[tricia]

hi just a quick update, things seem to be going well, feel scared to say that in case i jinx us but yes they are, i was poorly for 3 days so could not work but back to work tomorrow. Me and hubby are going to a fancy dress tomorrow night and had a brilliant night on news yrs eve, were communicating alot better than we ever did even discussing things from his affair, such as why and where we go from here, he said he knows its goner be hard for me to trust him again but we are goner do it one day at time, im trying desperately not to ask too many questions feel he should be the one to eventually open up to me for now were spending time together and enjoying it thankyou will keep you updated xxxxx

[jellybean28]

Glad to hear things are going well for you Tiricia. :)

Not asking to many questions is a good idea you have so many other things to work out that if you keep asking about the affair he may clam up.

Take Care xx

[Raymond]

Thanks for your update Trish.

There are good signs that he wants to restore your trust from what you have said. This is so important.

I am glad that it is going well. The way you are relating will give you the foundation to work on. His idea of one day at a time is a good one for now.

Raymond