Why did he do this?

[iduno]

25 years of marriage and my husband walks in the door and says he wants to separate. He says he doesn't love me anymore.

I have been a good faithful wife all these years, helping him to get to the top of his field. I bought up our kids they have all grown and left home.
So what have I done wrong. Life seems so bleak to at the moment, nothing to look forward to, no work no money and a pile of legal bills to pay.

To top it off three months ago he moved in with his new girlfriend and took her for a long holiday.

He doesn't want to try again I feel so sad and betrayed. I must be such a fool he and his GF are probaly sitting around their pool laughing their heads off at how pathetic and lonley I must be sitting in my tiny little unit with no friends or family. It would be easier if I just feel asleep and never woke up.

[Helen_uk]

First off I would say why do you have no money ? As a wife of over 25 years you're entitled to a share of the marital assets. If he can afford holidays for himself and the new girlfriend then obviously there are some assets. Have you sought good legal advice ? If you're not working then I would have thought you'd be entitled to free legal advice.. at least you would be if you're in the UK.

Are you getting any support ? From friends , family or councelling ? You shouldn't try to handle the devastation alone.

Take it from me... nobody is worth losing a life over , although it feels like that sometimes ,so please if you're feeling that low that you're thinking that way seek help.

You've taken the first giant step by posting here and I know that isn't easy , having someone to talk to is invaluable when you feel this alone so well done for that.

You've done nothing wrong and don't torture yourself wondering if he's laughing at you , you're not pathetic at all . You've worked just as hard as he has over the years being a wife and mother and supporting his career...and that's no easy task .

Helen

[iduno]

The reason for no money is because he always delt with the finances. He's an account. Because I have always trusted him I have had no reason to check what he was telling me. He had a lot of money invested in shares which he lost when the market crashed. One of the kids snooped his computer when he was staying with his dad and found out that he had been putting money into an account in OW's name. Also he took out a 2nd mortgage on our house to buy an investment unit which I'm living in now. He rents the other house out and lives with OW in her parents house - they live somewhere else. He convinced the lawyer and me that he was in financial trouble so he doesn't have to pay me out until the end of next year. He's been very sneeky with it all, Lawyer has been looking into it, but not much he can do, can't prove anything. Son has tried snooping again (he's mad at his father for what he's done) but H changed his password so he can't get into his computer.

I was working but had an accident at work and damaged my back. I was working in aged care. The place I was working in sold out to another company so they gave me a small payout. That's been used up on physio and such. I can't stand for more than two hours or sit for much longer as the muscles in my back go into spasm causing me pain. Should get better, it's just taking much longer than expected.

Have tried getting legal aid, but not eligible. Am trying to get a disability allowance, but having to go through a ton of red tape, paperwork and get Doctors reports. It's a slow and fustrating process which doesn't help my state of mind.

Family all live about 3hrs drive away, and I have just moved here to try and get away from things and seeing Husband and OW.

Have to see doctor this week, so will ask him about councilling, it's cheaper here if you get a referral from a doctor.

[georgie]

Hi, I'm so sorry about what is happening to you, it is not fair and nobody deserves it.
Firstly may i ask what country ur in - is it Australia by an chance? In my opininon counselling is a must.. it really kept me going through the worst of my experience.
2ndly - he's not getting away with this!!! ur lawyer 'looking in to it' sounds a little to laid back for me (based on my own experience). Check out Forensic Accountants - he has stolen from you, get angry and get what ur entitled to.. u have more then earned every penny of it.
R u sure ur not entitled to legal aid? if u have no money how can they turn u down, is it due to 'potential' assets?
Look on line for womens welfare sites in your country, they will provide information and support.
If he has been putting money in to accounts in her name, there will be a trail... forensic accountants will find it.
Get support, use this site, tell ur friends all that is happening... how did u end up in the unit and not the family home?
The share market has been recovering, he may have regained what he lost...
Sorry this is so disjointed but I am in a hurry as have appointment. I'm so angry at your husband, yet another selfish greedy narcisist - using and abusing people.. I just dont want anyone to stand for this any more... decent people deserve to be treated with respect and decency.
Try and find the anger within u and channel the energy towards getting back to being u and dont let him walk all over u.. u are so much better then that.
xxxxxxx hope u keep posting..I'm right behind u supporting u from here on in.

[iduno]

I ended up in the unit because the family home was to big, he really loved the house and wanted to stay in it for longer, he had done alot of work on it, but the garden was a lot of upkeep, when we separated he offered to move out, but I didn't want to stay there on my own so the unit was the easiest choice. He ended up having to rent the house out because OW didn't want to live there. Still he has all the furniture from the house which they are using, so he still has reminders of us when we were together. I did get new furniture for the unit, so no reminders of us which is good.

Can't get legal aid tried when we first separated and he earns too much, and yes potential assets came up. Same as I can't get centre link payments because I have to much in the bank at the moment because of a work payout not much just enough to keep me going for a couple more months as long as I'm careful. So can't get any benifits until I run out of money and get into debt.

I applied to lawyer to get me spousal maintainence from H but I now have to get doctors reports and apply to centre link for a disability pension, which I cant get because I don't have a disabilty as such, just a stuffed back which stops me doing heavy work and employers don't want to take a risk of an insurance claim Agggghhh :confused:. Lawyer wants to see me when I get the paper work. Doctors reports will be no trouble, I have a sympathetic GP and have to see him this week anyway.

Why does it have to be so difficult? I want to work, don't want to rely on H for the rest of my life even if it would P#@$% him off big time, because he would still be in control if I did that. The whole system sucks, seems I missed the class for ripping off centre link (think you have to wag class and go down the beach for this one). I think he's doing what he's doing because he likes to be in control. He knows I'm really down at the moment so he thinks he's got me where he wants me, shows how well he knows me. I just need to get my head together, not sure what I can do, settlement has already gone though.

Thanks for your support Georgie I'm going to give legal aid another go and try a Forensic Account, if nothing else it will really stir him up.
Something good has come out of all of this in a strange way. H never liked my family - thought he was to good for them. So for the years we were married I was distant with my family, hardly seeing them, and not feeling comfortable when we visited, I kinda felt embarrassed (silly I know), anyway my mum told me when I got married it felt like they had lost me, hurt my dad even though he said nothing. My mum said to me the other day she was begining to see glimpses of the old me back, the fun carefree person I used to be. So that has lifted my spirits.

Sorry for the long post, writing seems to help. Thanks Helen and Georgie for your replies. Helen I'm doing much better today, everything just got on top of me yesterday need to let it all go I suppose.

PS yes I do live in Australia Georgie (west coast)

[Helen_uk]

I think Georgie is going to be a great help to you as you both live in the same country... Must admit I know nothing about legal procedures in Australia...

It is an uphill struggle iduno.. but you can and will get there , and posting here really does help. Sometimes it's easier to " confide " in total strangers than talk to family or friends... Lots of people here ( including myself ) have been dumped on and then started on the long road to regaining self esteem and making a new life.

You've already found one positive to come out of this ( your parents ) and I'm sure you'll find more as time goes on.

The OW in your H's life may think she's got a bargain ... but in reality she's got a man who displays no loyalty ( he's proved that by walking away from his marriage ) , no integrity ( he hides his money and lies about it ) . Not much of a bargain in my eyes ! Perhaps in a few months it will be you who can look at them and smile... You now have your freedom and once you're sorted financially you can ... probably for the first time in a very long time... please yourself !

Take care.

Helen

[georgie]

Hi,I'm going to be away at Lakes Entrance until next week, when i get back I'll try and look up and share some useful info. Check out your local community houses, sometimes they have nights when solictors volunteer to give free legal advice. Settlement and sale of family house should be happening? Centrlink is very complicated to navigate for the first tme, i'm dealng with 3 gov. agencies - a full time job in itself!! Get google-ing, i'll help next week. xxx

[iduno]

Feeling low went and had coffee with a couple of women I have met, really nice and both have been through marriage breakups so are understanding in a way. Although they both left their H's and have moved on, they are happy being on their own. It's was really hard trying to pretend I'm OK and coping when I'm not.
Went and saw my GP on Friday, I couldn't pluck up the courage to tell him how really down I am feeling.
I am embarrased to tell anyone that I still am in love with my husband, and want him back, so much that it hurts. My family are angry with my H for what he's done and angry with me because I want him back, they just don't understand. Everyday something reminds me of the good times we had, it might be a song, something on the TV, and at the moment with Christmas around the corner, and people making preparations for Chistmas, I'm reminded of the traditions I started for us as a family. I hate that my kids are torn, between spending time with me or their dad and then their family also.
How is it that he can be so happy with someone else and in the meantime despite what he's done I am dying inside. One day I hate him for what he's done the next day I blame myself for not being a better person.
I don't want people to tell me I'll meet someone else - I don't want someone else I want my H back. I just want all this pain and unhappiness that I'm feeling to go away.

[daydream believer]

I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. Never doubt in yourself as a person. You sound absolutely lovely to me.

I have a friend that went through a similar situation. She had a son of 3 years old and was 16 weeks pregnant with her daughter when her husband said he didn't love her anymore and walked out on her. There was no warning. As far as others were concerned they had one of the happiest marriages in the world. It turned out he had met someone else and within weeks of walking away from his pregnant wife and child he was moving in with the OW. My friend was desperately in love with her husband.

But as the months went by her husband changed. His looks, his behaviour, his personality. He became colder and more distant. I remember one day she told me on the phone that she still loved him and would try and make their marriage work if he gave her the chance. I asked her simply do you love the man you were married to or the man he has become. My friend's answer was the man she was married to. As the months went by after this conversation she realised that she had to grieve for the relationship she had and the man that she married as he was gone and she had no desire to be married to the new man he had become since entering a relationship with the OW.

Don't be embarrassed to share your feelings. This forum is the ideal place to do so, as people here are honest, don't judge and simply care and support you.

It is an awful time of year to be going through this, but make sure you take care and love yourself and be honest with your GP.

Keep posting it really helps.

Take care.

[iduno]

Thanks Daydream

Good advice, trouble is things hadn't been great before we parted, he going through a tough time, he was pretty mean towards me when we went away with his work. H made some not very nice comments when we were out with dinner with his work mates a couple of times. I let it go coz I knew he was under stress (probably had started affair by this time). :rolleyes:
Anyway a few days before he dropped the bombshell, I was looking at him while he was sleeping and realized that I really loved him and was going to find the right time to talk things through - cept it was too late.

He has changed, when we were together it was all about work, work and more work, no time for me or kids, now he's doing things with OW that he never wanted to do or was interested in when we were together. When we first separated he would send me txt messages telling me how work was going and if I was OK - don't sure if he really cared, felt guilty for what he'd done or if he was doing it so people thought he was being really nice to me which is most likely, thing is in the state of mind I was in I thought maybe there was a chance of us getting back together.

:mad:Just had a thought, I had to take some stuff to him a while ago, as I was going to be driving past where he works I rang him to say I would drop off the stuff at his work. He said no to meet him at a Service station near where he works as he was about to head out of the office for a meeting. After I gave him the stuff, I went and got my self a drink when I came out I could see his car heading back to the office, can see his building from where I was parked. I know most of the staff at the office now I wonder if the b+*#@d was worried I would tell someone what really happened. :mad:

Maybe I should go to the office again, drop in some more of his stuff, but this time without warning, see what he does. Yep I think I have to turn the tables here and stop being so nice and compliant. So far I have been nice and not made things difficult for him or OW. Maybe the only way I can get my life sorted is to start to show him I am my own woman and a strong one at that, who is not someone to be used and then tossed aside like a piece of rubbish. :rolleyes:

The mortage of our house is still in both our names I rang the bank and asked if I could have a statement sent to my address, can't do that but they did give info so I could look online. Over the last 6 months he has drawn out nearly $15thousand with no explanation. Time to talk to my lawyer and get this stopped. I can't take my name off the mortgage for another year as it will cost a huge amount of money, but in the meantime I can't get a loan coz of the mortgage.

Hey I think I'm beginnig to wake up to myself. Thanks again Daydream what you said has really made me think.

Sorry I'm rambling and my thinking is all over the place, just writing as things pop into my head.

So anyone reads this and posts a comment, thank you, for spending time sifting though my nonsense. But posting is helping me. :)

[georgie]

Hi how r u? Is there anything you need help with? If you r in Melbourne I can give you the name of two solicitors (one mine) that were recomended to me.
This situation does not define you, this incredibly tough time will pass. If there is anything you think I can do please let me know.

x

[Jackie-Jhonson]

Hey, the life is n't over yet. What's with this "fall asleep and never wake up again"? Sitting home with no personal life will not attract your husband back. You have to show him you are strong, confident and happy if you want to get him interested in you...and about his girlfriend, it's a girlfriend and their relationship will be probably short so don't think about her. Concentrate on yourself...

[BB2009]

I can completely understand I am 2 years out of a horrible relationship. It's hard healing from infidelity but it can be done. Good luck and keep your head up. Bless