Next Move

[Braveheart2009]

Hi,

I have been married for 2 years almost and I have had hundreds of incidents where I could of blown up over comments my wife has said. The times I have made my feelings known we end up in a fight and she doesn't talk to me for few days which I hate living in this way. I feel she is trying to control me by not talking like trying to punish me. I keep a diary of everything she says which hurts my feelings from speaking to my mother in a bad way to tell me make my own cup of tea. My question is how do I put it across to her that she is not what I always thought in a wife and she is not met my expectation to a minimum. How do I tell her that I found her intimidating, bad behaved, ill speaking, swear so much, temper manic, and wanting all fame and class. I am confused. If you read my other posts you may understand the whole situation more. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks.

[Ageing Grace]

I keep a diary of everything she says which hurts my feelings from speaking to my mother in a bad way to tell me make my own cup of tea.

Keeping a grievance diary isn't a usual way of working towards a happier relationship. What are you aiming for by doing this?

Also, how often do you make her a cup of tea?

I confess, Braveheart, I've been mystified by your viewpoint ever since you started writing here. In the beginning you complained that married life was not what the films had led you to expect. I sympathise with that.

You're certainly not alone, lots of young men & women who were brought up on Bollywood have felt like this. Most of them try and get their heads around real-life love, however, where you seem to have got stuck at the point of resenting your wife for not being a fictional film character. I imagine things have, indeed, got worse since you married: I can picture how I'd feel if I were married to somebody who didn't like me, and I wouldn't be feeling full of hope and love!

A couple of things you might want to ask yourself: Do you love your wife? Do you want to stay married?

And one more thing I'd like to ask you: Are you still living with your parents and your brother?

Thanks,
AG

[Braveheart2009]

Keeping a grievance diary isn't a usual way of working towards a happier relationship. What are you aiming for by doing this?

The reason I do this is because every time we get into a fight she defends herself and says when did I every do or say that and thinking about a specific date and time and place it happened is difficult then I can refer to it. She at least makes a couple of comments per day which I could blow up and say why did you say that? That was rude? Which she will completely deny and say what's wrong with that?

Also, how often do you make her a cup of tea?

Well if we are in my bedroom she will request me to make things for her and she claims she can't walk she always complains about how ill she is and she is just being lazy.

I confess, Braveheart, I've been mystified by your viewpoint ever since you started writing here. In the beginning you complained that married life was not what the films had led you to expect. I sympathise with that.

Not just films but what I have seen before marriage through other married couples, films, books etc.

A couple of things you might want to ask yourself: Do you love your wife? Do you want to stay married?

To be honest I don't know if I love my wife I can't tell we don't have much sex and romance we have tried but it fails to develop. I see her as someone who wants attention, perfectionist and error free.

I do want to stay married I don't want to go through a divorce I never imagined it I would rather separate if things continue see if we can live without each other.

And one more thing I'd like to ask you: Are you still living with your parents and your brother?

Yes, I am as I can't afford to live on my own at the moment and wife was aware of that before marriage. I don't know if having our own place would make marriage better?

Thanks for your help.