i need help

[laura24]

i have been with my husband for nearly 6 years but we have only been married for the past 3 months but recently i have been having feelings 4 another man
the other man is an ex boyfriend that i have recently got back in touch with via a social website and he has told me he feels the same.
what should i do please help me i have no where else to turn

[Raymond]

You have to cut it off Laura and be faithful to your husband. These kind of things can destroy lives. Cut it off quick before it grows, no buts.

Raymond

[laura24]

i no u r right raymond and i no u said no buts, but i'm just not sure i feel the same way about my husband anymore, he never seems 2 b around he always seems 2 b going fishing. the one thing i haven't done is cheat i haven't even met up with my ex, thing is my husband cheated on me 4 years ago and i only found out this year when he came clear and told me the womans twins maybe his he only came clear because my best friend found out (or thats the reason i think) since i found out i haven't fully been able 2 trust him, i don't no why i walked up the ailse i think we should have waited.

[Ageing Grace]

Ouch, Laura, what a mess. It's hardly surprising you wonder whether you did the right thing, after he hit you with this bombshell just before you married :(

It looks like the real problem here is your broken trust. You're probably only thinking about your ex because there's quite a big issue, in your marriage, that's still unresolved. Your ex won't help solve this (even if he wanted to) - because nobody can until you've worked it through with your husband.

There are a billion threads, here in this forum, about how couples have managed to heal their relationships following something like this. You might want to see if any of them sound like you, and give you ideas to start getting rid of this problem.

It's not about your ex, I promise you. Don't even go there. What you need right now is a better marriage with the husband you chose, not another problem!

Hope you let us know how it's going :)
AG

[laura24]

i have tried 2 talk 2 my husband our the other woman he just keeps fobing me off he wo't descuss it with me, he has just said thats the past i want nothing 2 do with her and nothing 2 do with the kids, my head is such a shed right now and i just don't know where 2 turn. worst still the woman has moved her other children to the same school as my daughter so i have no way of getting away from the issue i am only 24 and i really don't no if my marriage is worth all this hassle, i no going with my ex is wrong which is why i haven't done anything about it. i realise i'm sounding selfish and only thinking of my self but me and my husband have faced so many obsticles in the past and have some how managed 2 stay together but i just don't no how much more we can survive :(:(:(

[Raymond]

Okay Laura forgetting the ex for a moment, what is the big issue now in your marriage? In a sense your husband has not been unfaithful in the marriage as you knew about this before your married him and you must of forgiven him before you married him. Has getting in touch with your ex stirred up the past hurts and magnified them? Are you inadvertantly seeking an excuse to jump ship?

Obviously you have marriage problems if your husband is not making enough time to be with you. You are more important than fishing and that needs to be moderated it seems.

Raymond

[laura24]

maybe i am just looking for an excuse 2 leave i just don't no, i don't think i did forgive my husband otherwise i wouldn't still b letting it get 2 me would i? maybe getting in touch with an ex has stirred up alot more things, but before i got in touch with him i was wondering if i had done the right thing. believe me i have spoken 2 my husband about all the fishing he does but he just doesn't listen. he does it that much he even booked 2 go on his daughters birthday which i made a big fuss over. there r so many problems right now (with the way i feel) i the relationsip i just don't no how much longer we can stick it out. as i have said in a previous post we have hit so many obsticles in our relationship that i don't no if there is room for any more, i honestly don't no how to put my feelings across 2 my husband or on here, i don't think getting in touch with my ex has done me any good but i don't think he stirred it up i was feeling out of sorts before hand now i just feel worse. i honestly don't want 2 give up on my marriage i love my husband i just don't no IF i'm in love anymore, how do i sort my head out as i never get time to myself anymore. i no that sounds stupid, but the kids r always around and by the time they go 2 bed i'm ready 2 go myself, i don't go out and don't have many friends so mayve i'm just looking for affection i just don't no anymore

[Raymond]

I think you are looking for affection and his lack of it has made you vulnerable to a possible betrayal although it does not justify it. The no. 1 thing for any husband in a marriage is to love his wife.

How to get him to step up? The only way I know is through encouragement when he is getting it right but not moaning when he is getting it wrong. I believe it is in the wifes power to do this and gradually the whole relationship can turn on this. Real encouragement only comes out of love. I know that this is a hard answer but it does work. It may mean looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. You will be supplying something that he really needs. There is a lot of truth in the saying that behind every successful man is a good woman.

The second thing is to make time for yourself and do what you need to do apart from the children sometimes. Take time to build yourself up. You are not going to be able to change him directly but you can build yourself up in your own right.

Raymond

[laura24]

thank u for all ur advice raymond, 1 question, how do i get past the issue with the other woman that my husband betrayed me with? i no i married him after he told me which i do believe was a stupid decision of ours we should have waited 2 see if we got through ours problems first. this woman s really trying very hard 2 destroy us, she has moved her children 2 the same 1 as my daughter so i have 2 c her nearly everyday, i have a 14 year old step-daughter whom she keeps asking to go round 2 hers 2 spend time with the twins, which my step-daughter wants to, i don't think she ever wanted 2 marry her dad, she has caused so many problems herself, she told me alot of thinks about her dad that i don't no 2 this day r true but i took his word, this was after we married, bottom line is i feel like i'm stuck in a rut that i don't no how 2 solve

[Raymond]

Hi Laura I've just cottoned on that this only happened three months ago and is obviously quite fresh in your mind. It wasn't the best idea to marry him after this as you say but you are where you are.

The key to this is really his attitude now. How sorry he was for breaking your trust. Was there any kind of sharing of this before you were married? Would you say his attitude now is to regain your trust and keep away from this woman? The very fact of marrying you does show a decision to change. I would share with him yours fears. He really needs to put your mind at rest as your husband.

Let me know what you can of his behaviour now.

I'd be careful of this woman. He needs to show you he has cut off all contact with her.

Raymond

[laura24]

i have tried to talk 2 him about it but he just says he doesn't want anything to do with her or the kids but i don't believe him as he has still got her phone number in his fone, the strangest thing is she msgd me on the social website i mentioned in a previous post and told me that 1 of the twins was going into hospital when i told my husband he said he didn't care, 10minutes later he said he was going to the shop and was gone for about a hour, long time when the shop is 5mins away from our house i believe he went round to hers but why lie 2 me about it. shame is i have no proof

[Raymond]

If he really didn't want anything to do with her or the kids that would be a good thing but obviously you have your doubts, but as you say no proof.

If he is betraying you there are grounds for divorce, not just legally but morally. There is a chance he is telling the truth so you have to be careful.

I don't think it is healthy that this other woman is having contact with your family even through you. There was a similar case on here recently where a women got through. I will try and find it for you.

I think your best bet is not to resist it or control it. Give it enough rope and it will reveal itself. Don't let on that you know anything. That way you will soon know if he is completely faithful or not. If he is not you have your answer. For the moment try and trust him until something happens which shows you he is not trustworthy.

Raymond

[laura24]

i have ttried my best 2 ignore this woman believe me but its just so hard when she has moved her kids 2 the same school as my daughter and then she pulls my step-daughter into the mess by askin her to go 2 her house so she can spend time with her "brothers". as for my husband how can i shake the feeling that he is been unfaithful i really want to trust him but i can't. i have broken all ties with my ex thank u all for ur advice i realise i was been an idiot i'm just glad i NEVER did anything.

[Raymond]

You have to work out the grounds of why you do not trust him Laura. Has he not been faithful since you were married? I know it is difficult for you. Either he is being unfaithful or you haven't forgiven him and the trust was never restored to start with. Are you able to share your concerns with him? It is quite normal for people who have been betrayed like you to feel this way, but if there has been sincere repentance by the offending party it can be mended. If there hasn't then it is possible it could happen again.

With regard to this other woman I would give her no carpet to stand on in your lives. The main thing however is the faithfulness of your husband. He has to be working with you to keep her out in view of the past history.

I think you still have to bide your time but not be suspicious and checking all the time. If there is anything untoward it will come out. Believe me on that.

Raymond

[laura24]

i don't think i ever 4gave him over his betrayal. i don't no if he has been unfaithful since we have been married thats where the problem lies now, i do think he has i ust can't prove it. i hate doubting him i really do, i just wish i could truely believe that he has been faithful. i have tried trusting him believe me i have, i just can't. i can't share my concerns with him i have tried in the past but he brushes it off and tells me i'm been stupid, which doesn't help. i have since my last post sorted out a move so that we are not in the same area as the other woman in the hope that this will shed most of my concerns and to get us away from the main route of the problem but part of me feels i'm runing away from my problems rather than facing them head on, normally i would face them but i just can't get hurt any more

[Raymond]

Unforgiveness in itself would make a blockage Laura. Then again if you are not sure he is being faithful it is hard for you to forgive. The whole thing hinges on trust really, a very essential element of a good marriage. There are cases where adultery had taken place and where the husband has been devastated and truly repententant and where the trust was recovered and forgiveness had happened and the marriage had been restored.

The real question is is your husband now trustworthy and wanting to be faithful to you? Moving away will not solve the matter as that is saying you don't trust him with this woman, so it will not increase your trust of him. If the motive for moving away is because you don't trust this woman, then that is different and could be seen as just taking a precaution. This is reasonable I think.

You say you have this instinct that he is not being faithful. Do you mean with this woman? That is quite a strain to be living under and devastating if it true, but is this just your suspicion? I think you have to work out what is real and what is just you. It would be a great shame if he was trying to be faithful but you remained suspicious and unforgiving for no reason.

Raymond

[Jackie-Jhonson]

Do you really want to sacrifice your marriage because of an old boyfriend? Listen to your brain and not to your heart in this case