Complete Mess

[sadnlonely]

Hi All,
Not sure what to say.
Married for around 10 years but living as a married couple for 18 years.
Got 4 children 10 to 16.
around 4 weeks ago, sat in front room and my wife said she was going out which she did with our eldest aas she needed air.
I waas confused as this was not normal for her, she returned after a few hours and few texts and said, she doesn't love me and is not attracted me me anymore and wants us to split, she would not do councilling and to try to ask just gets her mad as I wont acceot what she says according to her.
Not even going to try and put it into words how I did and still do feel, I love her more than life itself, the thought of her and no us is sickening.
There is no one else as there simply is no time, seriously.
We run a business together and yes have to work together due to lack of staff.
Things have just been awful, I have moved into parents after a week because she said there was no other option, luckily my parents are away for several months, as me and my father dont get on and i cannot live with them.
I am 38 and wife 36, I love her so much it is mad.
She has said she is 100% sure it is over and i must move on, I said fair enough if this is what both parties want but I dont want this and nor do my kids who are living with her.
Done the needy rubbish, couldnt help it, still cry everyday.
I have no friends literally due to dedicating life to her and kids and our business, and no family either that I know or speak to.
We are very heavily in debt both home, loans etc and with the business.
We cannot sell and cleqr due to the level and complexities of the loans etc there simply isnt enough equity in anything to clear the home side of debts.
Due to the downturn in retail we are not taking enough for us both or in fact either of us to take a proper wage so seperate finances do not exist.
We get tax credits but this even if we go seperate makes not much difference and means me trying to live on 100 per week to pay rent and everything and the local rents are at least 550 a month for a **** hole which would give nowhere for kids to stay if they come to me.
This is such a complete complicated mess.
We cannot get rid of the business and house etc as this would end up making us bankrupt, the thought of any of it without her makes me wanna die seriously.
She just keeps saying you have to let me go and move on or neither of us will be able to move forward, but as I say I don't want this and love her with my complete being.
I don't want to give up I just cannot, I know having read this tends not to work out for the good and one ends up being bitter hurt and an emotional wreck for years.
I know yes am totally sure I cannot stop loving her like this, nor can I think or look at another woman, for one I don't want to and 2 the thought of another makes me wanna puke sorry it just does.
She is goergeous and my soulmate, whereas my I am now tired through supporting them all, absolutely zero self esteem know I am not good looking and am shocked she ever went for me, and no I am serious not feling sorry for myself.
I have tried OD'ing yes I know stupid but it failed, this is the only way I can see the pain ending.
I think that if and when she gets into a relationship I KNOW that it will just tear me to pieces, especially knowing she will be there wherever that may be with a guy who is taking MY family.
Sorry this is so long, but to be honest this is a lot shorter than it could be.
Please help I am at the end of my tether.
Thanks.
M

[Raymond]

You have to find hope here SD. At the moment all your hope seems to be in your wife staying with you. You need to be able to envision life without her. If you can that might even help you stay together. It seems you have become too dependent on her which might be a burden to her. You say you have no other friends apart from your family, so your whole life was only your family. That is good in one sense but working and living with her all the time without outside interests may have become claustrophobic for her. I don't know. We can become boring people if we don't have any other interests. Just fishing here you understand.

You haven't said what went wrong in your marriage from your wife's point of view. She must have been experiencing problems which led to her saying what she said. It is vital you find out how she viewed it. You only got the end result of a process which may have started years ago.

I am not saying marriage is not important. It is very important. We do need our wives, but we also need to look to ourselves as individuals as that is the part we are bringing to the marriage if you get my drift. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to build yourself up and show you can survive. That is attractive in itself. I really hope you find the answer here but I don't think it is going to come by pining, more in using the opportunities you now have. Your children still need a father don't forget so you have a lot of incentive to get it together.

I don't really understand why you had to move out as that is your home and your children. Are you sure there is nobody else, even online or something?

Raymond

[sadnlonely]

Hi Raymond,
Thanks for replying.
I was totally shocked at the split as I truly think we have a good relationship, I would move the world for her never argued like a lot of couple do I never sexually abused or anything like that as I totally respect her as a woman.
She really wont say much about the why's which is making it all harder.
All she does say is it has been over a while that her feelings have gone, and I said surely she could have talked to me about it but she obviously felt she couldn't talk to me which is awful.
The trouble is the money side of things well this is one of the many issues.
I simply cannot afford to find somewhere to live due t the debts.
I feel like I have no options.
Yes I love her and always willl but see it from her side.
I just see no way forward apart from the streets for home.

I am at the point where there is nothing yes I know I have kids but they are suffering in this too and they are scared at loosing there home and the lack of being able tooffer them things to do and places to go especially when the weather is bad means they feel awkward I can see it in them as we have nothing.

And the fact we still will be working full time in each others pockets at the shop means no space for her or me not that I want any.7Thanks.
M

[Raymond]

I wouldn't leave your home or your kids. You can live in such a way as to give her space if she needs it. I would work on your own life. Try and be loving. That will express itself in different ways depending on the circumstances.

It looks like she is giving up because her feelings aren't there. I don't know how this happened but there was a reason for it. Marriages can be worked on and restored if the couple are willing to work at it. I know you would work at it but will she? If she won't it will be nigh on impossible. Have you asked her if she is willing to have marriage counseling?

Are you sure there is no chance of her being into another relationship even online?

I would still ask her what it is she thinks was missing. None of us are perfect but there may be particular things that she thinks should be vital to a marriage. I would create an atmosphere of working at it, listening to her and being willing to change a few things. Don't be a doormat but try and get her to express her feelings in this, the things that are really going on beneath.

By the way take the children out and do things. Not everything costs money. All you need is a sense of fun.

Raymond