How do you know when to go/stay?

[Unregistered]

My partner and I have been together for 7.5 years, since I was just 19 yrs old, and he is 12 years older than me 40 now

I have been gradually falling out of love with him for the last 2.5 years, because he is always shouting, criticising, telling me I'm immature, etc. He will ring me at work, shout, and then hang up. I have tried talking to him, saying that he cannot behave like that, as it is starting to have such an effect on my self esteem, and I am tense when I am around him, in case I do something wrong, as the slightest thing seems to upset him.

Because of this, I enjoy my time away from him, eg at work, more than being at home (and work really isn't that great!) I have tried telling him this, I have asked him to stop & told him how much it upsets me. Each time he appologises and says it won't happen again, but he has a very stressful job/live, and always vents his spleen at me at the next opportunity.

I tried to break up with him a few days ago, and then yesterday he took an overdose, because he said he said he'd nothing to live for now. Fortunatley he didn't take enough to kill himself, but this isn't the first time, and I'm worried that he'll be successful next time.

Is it selfish of me to want to leave? We can't be intimate any more as I don't feel close to him, and I keep thinking that perhaps I should go while I am still young enough to start again. However, my family are so fond of him they'd all be devastated, and all my single friends are just desperate to find any decent man, so perhaps I should just put up with my lot, and not try to ask for so much from life. He feels to old to start again, so why should I just run off an leave him?

How can you know? What is right? Is it selfish or practical?

[Kate]

Your man needs some help, if he is trying to commit suicide. If this isn't a serious attempt then it is a cry for help. You also need help, because you can't carry the responsibility on your own.

Can you get him to see a doctor and explain some of the pressures he is under? He may well be depressed and need some help with that.

I don't think it's a good idea just to let things go on as they are, but abandong him may not be the answer either, because you would live with questions and concerns for the rest of your life.

You alone know what your commitment is to this man. Since you aren't married you presumably haven't made any formal or public promises or commitment to each other, which you can use to guide you now, but he obviously means a lot to you and you want to help him.

If you can get him help with his stress and depression there may come a time when you can consider together what sort of future you want to have and seek counselling help or make more permanent plans.

[Unregistered]

Thanks, yes, you're right, he does need help from someone other than me. Trouble is, he is a doctor, so there is no hope of getting him to go and see one of his colleagues. He has been treated for depression before though, and I know that he has been taking preparatory steps to taking his life again.

The trouble is, he wants commitment from me, and I can't give it to him while he is like this. He tells me that if I leave him he will end his life, but that makes me want to be away from his trauma even more - I have been with him for so long now, I can't cope with his ups and downs any more as they can make him so emotionally cruel and ruthless which is why I won't marry him although I do care.

I'm afraid that if I do manage to break free, he will commit suicide, the only way to avoid this is at my expense - staying with someone who makes me depressed or afraid nearly all the time.

Thanks very much for your support though, it would all be so much simpler if he would go back to his shrink.

[Dave]

I believe it is time for you to leave this man!

In threatening suicide he is desparately trying to make you responsible - you are not!! I would actually take a look at the secton on abusive relationships (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/), because although your situation is not yet physically abusive, it is certainly emotionally abusive and you may find some useful ideas there.

Unlike many vistors here you have not taken the promises of marriage, and commited yourself to him for better or for worse. Of course you have a responsibility as a compassionate human being towards him, but actually by staying you are probably simply re-inforcing his dependence.

I would look to see who there is around as a support network potentially for him - it might include his work colleagues, parents, other friends etc. There may also be agencies like social services that you want to involve. I would carefully plan when to leave him, alerting as much of the support as you can as you do so that you are concerned for his safety. You have then taken as much responsible action as I believe you can, and should walk away to re-build your life.

I know that some who come here will find this advice hard, but there is a real and decisive difference between the decisions appropriate in a cohabiting relationship, and those required by the marriage vows.

Best wishes
Dave