What's happening to me?

[jellybean28]

Some times I wonder if I am going crazy.

Life is good for me at the moment, would be better if there was someone special to share it with.
The thing is today day I was an emontional wreck, couldn't do anything useful except cry all day.
So many things to do today, got very little done.
What bought on this emotional episode I'm not sure, received a note in the mail from my Ex yesterday and had to email him to ask if he could change the address on the letter to my new address as (it was for my car insurance), as it has both our names on the policy even though the car is in my name. I can't take his name off it as it will affect our health insurance which he has to pay until the end of 2010, no reply from the email - didn't expect one, just hoped for one. For some reason all this set me off. I wrote a long letter to him expressing all of my feelings, telling how hurt and angry I felt for how he ended our marriage, in fact when I re-read the letter after I had written I was stunned by how angry I have felt towards him, what really surprised me the most was how much I still care for him and still love him

I am walking around feeling confused by all this. I thought I was over this and doing really well. I have no idea what to do. Has anyone else expericence anything similar to this. Maybe I should go and get some counciling. I just don't know.

[Raymond]

I'm no expert in these things Jellybean and only comment from the outside.

Divorce and seperation are very traumatic things and while you have done well to keep busy and make a new life we all need quite times of reflection. That is the part that is not very nice for you but it has to be faced because it is there. Maybe you have never really accepted it deep down as it a very difficult thing to accept. Yes you have accepted it in your head but we are more than just our heads. We have a soul and a spirit and you have been wounded to the roots of who you are. It has shocked you that the wounds are still there but I bet that it is better than it was and that you are being healed although not as quickly as you had hoped.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

Oh Gilly, you had to fill in some forms and write to your ex about confirming you now have separate addresses & so on ... of course it hit home! Of course you reacted emotionally!

In point of fact, it's great that you recognised your anger and great that you cried. You don't just get over this stuff like the closing credits on a film; your feelings are coming to the surface on appropriate triggers and you're 'feeling' them. You're sane and healthy!

In accordance with Amber, I'd say this is the perfect time for you to go find a counsellor. S/he can help you work along with your emotions as they arise; it's absolutely incredible how much you can learn - and how fast - with a good counsellor, when you're ready :) It can set you up for a far happier future, in every way.

How to recognise a "good" counsellor? Trust your gut ... and always choose someone who is happier than you are!

Hugs to you,
AG

[jellybean28]

Hi Everyone

Thank you all for your advice.

I'm feeling better today, took myself out for coffee this morning and met up with a friend, we ended up having lunch and chatted until she had to go and pick up her grandson from school. My son sent me a lovely txt, thanking me for his birthday present, as did his partner (her B'day tomorrow). Then my daughter rang later this evening and we had a lovely chat. I wonder if my kids have ESP they always seem to ring after I have felt down.
Treated my self to a lovely glass (OK two) of a nice local red wine.

Will go and see my GP next week for a referral to a counsellor, he has an interest in mental health so I know he wont just fob me off with anti-depressants if he feels I'll be OK with a counsellor.

Oh surprise surprise ExH replied to my email telling me he had done what I'd asked him to do.
He also added a note letting me know my dog was happy and well with her new owner, I thought that was nice of him. - I had to give her away as I just couldn't look after her properly where I am now.

Once again everyone thank you for your support, it has helped

Hugs Gillian

[jellybean28]

After spending time thinking about things over the weekend I need some advice.

I need some answers from my ExH. I have thought about writing him a letter asking him the following.

What was the reason for us separtating? (yep I don't know)
Why after being together for so long couldn't he give me a second chance?
Why couldn't he talk about his wanting to leave?
How long had he been seeing other woman?
All I want is honest answers so I can get closure and move on.

He can either talk with me face to face about this or on the phone or he can answer me in a letter.

I can't take much more of these secrets, lies and having not much idea of why it ended. We are civil to each other, but the day he helped me move into my unit as he left I got a handshake and thanks for 27yrs of marriage. I don't know what I expected. I'm sure if I had been a dog he would have put me down.

This whole situation feels like a nightmare that I'm going to wake up from anytime now. Even after two years.

So please what do you suggest? Write a letter or just leave it be. I am so struggling with this.
I just need some answers.

[Ageing Grace]

I never got those answers, either, Gillian. Like you, I wrote a letter but his reply was merely a reiteration of what he said when he left. I started figuring it out for myself when I started therapy. Admittedly, it's been a long (ongoing!) process for me - but I did have a large bundle of lifelong issues to sort out, as well as the marriage thing.

You can't do any harm by writing your letter. I just wanted to remind you that closure is something that happens within your self: it can't be bestowed by someone else, nor even an event.

Good luck with your efforts at getting some answers ... and good luck with the counselling :)

Love, AG

[jellybean28]

Thanks for your reply AG

I wrote my ExH a letter but haven't emailed it. Strange thing is half way through writing it his Crazy Sister-in-law phoned me (Crazy is being polite here) and after hearing her tell me how wonderful EXH is and how supportive he was to her husband (who was jailed for molesting a 14yr), for his court case and jail term.

I suddenly realized the truth, he had used his brothers problems to hide behind, while he was planning his break from the marriage. I realized what a self centred coward he really is, and how as long as he's seen to be doing the right thing then his world is OK. What really hurt is he could never help our kids out of sticky situations.

I was the one to sort things out, even when one of our sons was arrested at a party and a cop used undue force on him causing him to blackout because the cop almost strangled him (no my son is no angel, but what happened that night was uncalled for). It was me who had to complain about the cop, and stick up for the girl who tried to help my son, she was badly burnt by pepper spray, Exh wanted nothing to do with the whole situation because for my ExH to have been involved in the situation could have have damaged his reputation (Ex works in Local Govt). Yet he can look after his brother who gave a 14yr (brother was 48 at the time) alcohol and molest her, visist him in jail and say that it wasn't his brother's fault, it was because his wife has problems. Oh give me a break. If they only knew at work what had gone on behind closed doors.

Thanks to the joys of insomnia I managed to answer the questions I had asked him, the answers have been there all the time, I just had to look hard to find them.

It's not ExH I love it's the idea of being in a relationship, someone to share my day with, eat with, laugh and cry with etc. Think I need to go rescue a dog from the pound lol.

The sadness and empytness have gone it's taken two years but now it's the anger that has come to the surface. Time to do myself a favour and start running again - helps me to dissolve anger or beat up a couple of pillows.

What really helps here is everyone has a different perseptive on an issue, and when they share it really does help to see the big picture. Thank you

[jellybean28]

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[spiderman]

Great positive outlook there Gillian same as me things can only get better

[jellybean28]

Thanks spiderman

I now try and take one day at a time. No more bad days, just some days are better than others.

Haven't heard back about the job, will ring them tomorrow and see whats going on.

Have the prospect of something else next week, similar but I'll be my own boss.

Had a good weekend and will be starting to play tennis again in a couple of weeks.

Have to say feeling much better again this week. I need to find a way to deal with the things that trigger me into a downward spiral. I will get there I just have to learn to be patient and kind with myself.

For the first time in years I am looking forward to Chistmas, spending it with my family, if my kids make it that will be great if not that's fine I understand that life can be busy. I even had fun Christmas shopping today. I am putting together a box of cheap things water bombs, bubbles, sweets and stuff like that for all the kids that will be there on Christmas day (big and little). When I was younger my dad used to do it and we had so much fun, for next to nothing.

[altheaespigar]

I'm not a pro in giving advices but I just want to tell you that I completely understand what you are going through. I hope you will solve this problem. I wish you all the happiness. =)

[jellybean28]

Yet another job prospect fell through and sitting here alone listening to people singing Christmas Carols in the park. Feeling really flat and miserable.

Plan B for a job looks like it might fall through so I'm really starting to worry now. If nothing comes up in Jan I'm going to have to move aagghhhhhhh doesn't anyone want to employ someone over 49 who will do the work of 3 kids under 17 and with a smile and great attitdude and increase their profits and cut out the complaints from customers. If you need staff pick me, pick me.

Sorry guys, I should go and find something to be grateful for instead of complaining. Just need to haul myself out of this little black hole I have fallen into. Christmas Carols does that for me.

[Ageing Grace]

Bleugh. I'm in a hole too, Jellybean :( You're doing better than me: I haven't even been out to see if there are any carollers in town!

Do you a deal - I'll get outdoors, do (a small amount of) housework and one thing towards finding more work ... if you cheer up for the rest of today :D

xx

[jellybean28]

Managed to forget my blues for a while, had a really nice day on Saturday out with a man and we went kyaking for a few hours, had a good time.

Sunday went to visist my mum and she said some really awful things about my ExH and called his new partner his Mole - this was so uncalled for and nasty, she's just trying to stir trouble.

What she doesn't realize is that if my ExH wanted to try again I would. I am spending Chrismas Eve at her place and then going to my sisters for Christmas day was supposed to be going in one car with her, my brother and his partner, she wants to take her car which is fine as it needs a good run and my brother will drive, but now I have to sit in the back with her and the boxer dog she is looking after as she insists on taking it with us. If I take my car she will get upset and accuse me of making a fuss.

Sorry for being so miserable at this time of the year, but I am so sick and tired of my mother always being such a b@#ch to me. I am the youngest and she never really wanted me.
I need to find the courage to stand up to her and do what pleases me, without being nasty but I seem to fall into a hole, because it's easier.

I feel so pathetic at the moment coplaining about such trivial stuff, but it's taking my mind off the real issue and that's how much I want my old life back, kids all home for Christmas, me cooking for everyone ExH asking me to make him some old fashioned mince pies from scratch because he loves them.

[Ageing Grace]

I suspect that, if all our mothers were perfectly sane, we wouldn't have got ourselves into problematic marriages! Mine's gone abroad for Christmas (hurrah!) so I won't be needing my 'mental poster' this year :D

You can borrow it, if you like! It's all pretty, shimmering rainbow colours and has written across the middle: EQUANIMITY. Comes in useful around mothers ;)

I want my old life back, kids all home for Christmas, me cooking for everyone ExH asking me to make him some old fashioned mince pies from scratch because he loves them.

You actually don't need me to tell you it wouldn't be like this, Gillian. Dream, if you like, but don't let your dreams put you off enjoying your reality - which is pretty good, isn't it, when you take a look at it?

Cheers :)
AG

[jellybean28]

Thanks Ag your reply was just what I needed.

Keep telling myself Christmas is nearly over and the new year is just around the corner.
I have taken on the services of a life coach next year, so I will get my act together or bust trying lol, unless I bust from all this Christmas food and drink.

I just need to get my emotions under control and stop feeling sorry for myself. Am seeing someone on Sunday, thing is I don't think I'm really ready for a new relationship, the last 2 men I dated were so much like my ExH it's not funny. Still this one is very different, so we'll see what happens.

A toast to new beginnings (the Champers is on my lol)

[Ageing Grace]

Pop, fizz ... chink, chink ... to new beginnings :)
Thanks for the champers! Think I've got another bottle somewhere ...

love,
AG x

[jellybean28]

Had a good time catching up with 2 of my kids and one of my granddaughters, we all met at my sisters, her kids and grandchildren were there as was my brother, I drove my mum up aswell.
It's very obvious that I am a thorn in my mothers side, and if I chose not to see her again, well she would be the victim, not understanding what she has done wrong. She is so manipulative, and cunning. She went back to her place with my brother, I drove back later.

I became very emotional as I was driving back as my kids won't drive down to see me, so I can't see them in my own home, do the mum thing and cook for them, plus today they were spending he day with H and OW they have a swimming pool, so they were excited about going to his place. Silly really just got very nostalgic and felt very lonely.

Got back to my mums place and they were out, so I opened a bottle of wine tried to drown my misery, didn't work to well, was a bit tidley when they got home, which was just as well as I could deal with the crap from my mum.

I don't know I've never been much of a Christmas person, started out looking forward to it, but when it came down to, I ended up feeling really down, funny my mum, brother and his partner started talking about people commiting suicide and what it does to the family. Mum really got on her soapbox, good job I'd had a bit to drink, or I would have told her a mother like you it's enough to drive anyone over the edge. So close yet so far. Had to ring the Samaritans when I got home today.

H is coming down tomorrow to see his parents, good thing I had planned to see someone, as I think I would have done something stupid, just to get him to come around. I really am not coping with the failure of my marriage, still love H deeply despite all the pain and hurt he given me. I'm not crazy just a little unwell (line from a song just popped into my head).
Gotta find a way to put all this behind me.

Hurry up and find that other bottle of Champers AG, I need a bit of Fizz to lift me out of my mood.
Only have a few more days to the new year, before I have to give up th self-pity, poor me crap.
Still I have my life coach to work with next year, hopefully she can help to shape up.
P.S AG I couldn't find your EQUANIMITY poster on your site.

[georgie]

Hey JB, i've only just found ur thread in this coffee shop area. I'm hoping things are looking up on the job front for you by now, I'd hire you in an instant.
Yes - you have had that insomniac driven inspired moment where you suddenly realise your X is not worth your time, you are too good for him. Congrats to you on that JB - it is so so so true. Now, to find that worthy someone... I've decided i'm ready to contemplate that now. Not necessarily ready to act on it yet, but I'm going to form a view on what kind of person i think would actuallly make me happy, what values they must have, they must of course be open hearted and prepared to love my children and accept my love for my children as being the biggest part of me. I dont think I ever had a firm view about such things before, I just took people at face value and I think was grateful for their attention.
I'm wishing us all a happy new year, and happy rest of our lives. Wish I could whisk you up a rewarding job, but I'll send you my love and positive thoughts instead.
Our X's just are not nice people, we have to stop covering for them and making allowances for them - they are what they are. xxx

[jellybean28]

Just realized something crazy!! Think the reason I am hanging on to my feelings for my ExH is because my mum dislikes him so much (no he has OW).

Weird thing is if she told me how wonderful she thought he was I would give her a piece of my mind!! My Ex couldn't stand her with good reason. I was thinking about them both the other day and realized that in lots of ways they are both similar, and have treated me in similar ways, both of them have abused me emotionally and I've clung on to them for fear of rejection. Mum loves to have drama in her life so she can tell her few friends I'm either sad and lonely and need her or that I'm the world's most negletful daughter. No wonder I've been so confused.

Have found lots of stuff on emotionally abusive mother's and husbands seems my husband does what is called gas lamping - does and says things then denies it so I think I'm going mad.
Has helped explain alot.

On the job front Georgie, have got a part time job one day a week doing what I love, may lead to more work in the meantime the ExH can just front up with some spousal maintainance, wish I could see his face when he gets the letter from my lawyer.

I've dated a couple of men and it's been an experiance I can tell you. Still one of them I've gone out with a couple of times and he seems nice. Was hurt by his ExW so I think thats why he's being a bit cautious. He wanted to go out with me NYrs Eve, but I had made other arrangements so had to turn him down. Sent him a txt message asking him if he wants to meet on Thursday, so we shall see what happens. Still have discovered lots of single female friends, to go out with and have some fun and be myself.

I'm determined to put the last two years behind me and stop covering for people who really don't deserve it. As for my mum well if she doesn't like my new attitude she will have to deal with it I am over allowing myself to be manipulated for fear of being rejected.

Sorry for a long post and rambling on, I'm taking cold and flu tablets at the moment for a bad cold so my head feels like it's been stuffed with cotton wool.

Hey Georgie, thanks for what you wrote your support and advice is appriecated
Gillian

[JWD]

Just found this post Jelly. My God my mum does that too. All about the drama. I just knew she would try turn what was happening to me around to her and she did. All I got was oh, how will I cope at my age and having to worry about you, URGHHHHHHHHHH. In the last year I really stood up to both my parents, mum doesn;t even get a chance to start manipulating me now as I just don't put up with it anymore. Its great! She couldn't believe that no, not everything comes back you how she is feeling. Mind you i do tend to go too far these days hehehe. Also my dad, our relationship has always been awful. He is another one, got to be the centre of attention and his mood determined how everyone else's day would go. Nope, don't put up with that crap anymore either. In fact, haven't seen him for nearly a year and its been fantastic. No longer allow him to wind me up. Of course he has no idea this is how I feel, any time I have every tried to explain he would just brush it off, I was to sensitive, I couldn't take a joke blah blah blah. I used to feel so guilty for being disappointed in my mum and to be honest, ashamed of my dad. He was a bully and my mum just allowed him to walk all over her and that's bad enough, but she would blame my brother and I too.

Look, he's done it again, has me ranting like a spoilt five year old lol and I haven't even spoken to him for months lol.

You are an inspiration Jelly. xxxxx

[jellybean28]

Just when I've been doing so well I feel like I've taken about 6steps backwards.

Just three little things all happened within a couple of days.

First my Ex's sister in law rang me to tell me that her youngest daughter had given birth to a daughter, only rang me not my ex, but kinda rubbed things in anyway.

Second my Ex's mum rang me wanting to meet for coffee. I don't really want to go, but don't have an excuse, funny thing is I think something is going on. She didn't mention her new grand-daughter when she rang, just asked about my kids which she never does normally

Then today a good friend let me down at the last minute. I know she couldn't help it, but it hurt anyway.

Tomorrow I'm meeting a man I met online for a coffee, I was looking forward to it until yesterday when he sent me an email, he was worried that I'd changed my mind because I hadn't emailed him for a couple of days - the last time I did was to confirm when and where we were meeting, he included so many details, his car, colour, make, model, reggo, and his phone number incase I changed my mind. I'm not sure what to think. I mean has he changed his mind, and is hoping I will let him off or what? Or could it be that's he's being insecure?
Until he sent me the email I was looking forward to meeting him.

Thanks for reading, I'm just feeling a bit lost and confused at the moment.

JB

[Helen_uk]

Hi JB.. Long time no chat !

Sounds like a little insecurity on his part to me , he isn't sounding like he's thinking of backing out ( although of course it's hard to tell with some people ). Is he new to internet dating ? If he is it may just be that he's not sure of the protocol , if he's not then he may have been stood up a few times !

As to your ex's family , sounds like your gut instinct's alarm bells are jangling . Perhaps it's all totally innocent but proceed with just a little caution ? As for not having an excuse not to go.. you don't need one honey, you are allowed to just say no ! One good thing about no longer being part of that couple is that you get to please yourself !

Hugs

Helen x

[jellybean28]

Thanks Helen

I just felt like everything came all at once and I was over reacting. Where the Ex's family are concerned I will be following my instincts. Something I shold of done when I was with my Ex, instead letting him convince me I was being silly and occasionally paraniod.

What I know of the date is that he's been married twice before and living on his own for a long time.

I'm not sure how long he's been doing the internet dating for. I don't know maybe he's just one of those people who worry about all the little details. I'll find out tomorrow and let you know, we're just having coffee in the morning.

[Helen_uk]

Good luck JB hope it goes well.
x

[jellybean28]

Hi Helen

Well coffee turned into lunch and a lovely walk, I had a really nice time. He is a really nice man, and you're right I think he's got a few insecurities, from being hurt a couple of times.

He sent me a lovely email as soon as he got home, and said he would like to see me again if that's what I want, which I think is a bit of self protection on his part. He's been internet dating for a while, but it seems that when some women see his photo they lose interest. I think it the walrus moustache which puts them off, I have to say I'm not keen, but hey I'm no oil painting either.

No just have to get past coffee with MIL next Friday, decided to go, I will just be very guarded and not tell her anything.

So all in all I had a nice day. Hope you had a nice day also Helen

[Helen_uk]

Hi Gillian

Glad to hear you had a good time. Internet dating is so focused on looks isn't it ? People go into it with a tick list and if you don't measure up they don't even give you a chance, so it's understandable the guy feels a little insecure. I found men my age were all looking for women in their 20's and 30's ( and they weren't necessarily oil paintings themselves ! ) and were quite dismissive of me because I was over 40 ( and therefore past it in their eyes !! ). Sweetie shop syndrome , so many on offer . I'm guessing men feel the same way and are made to feel that they don't measure up .

Hope things go well with the m-i-l next week , you've got me wondering if she has an ulterior motive now !

[jellybean28]

What a week.

I've given the internet date the brush off, discovered he was stalking me online - he used to work in IT and had used that knowlege to get into my facebook page. Not a nice feeling.

Today I spent about 1 1/2 hrs having coffee with EX's m and his sister also came along - don't know if my ex put her up to it, but first they asked questions about my health - as my lawyer is in the process of trying to get me spousal maintenence (hard to get work due to back injury).
Then they started on about son's wedding in November, as Ex wants all his family plus OW there as well. I've said no as he's offered to pay for them to be there, and I can't afford to pay for my family to go. What really sucks is son and partner have been together for 6yrs and partner has only met his sister. EX is having a lunch this weekend and invited the kids as his parents are visisting - his parents haven't even met their G.Gdaughter who is 18months old. Conclusion Coffee was really nice, but it was obvious that it was arranged so I will back down over the wedding - Thats not going to happen. Ex is about to get a txt message from me. Ex is such a lowlife, he's going to force our son into either me being at the wedding or him.

Sorry for rant, but with all that's gone on this week, plus having to deal with govt departments, lawyers and the above I'm at boiling point. At least I'm not having to try and support my kids as they are all adults.

[Helen_uk]

What an ass ! In that case then he's destined to remain single , can't see any woman putting up with being spied on in this way by someone she barely knows.

You were right about the meeting with the in laws then. Pretty despicable of her to do her son's dirty work that way.

Well done you for standing your ground, it's hurtful when someone you were once close to turns on you like that.

I hope one day your ex realises that throwing money at everything doesn't guarantee you get your own way.

[jellybean28]

Thanks for your comments Helen.

After today, I've formed a whole new opinion about my Ex's mother, not a very nice one at that, I didn't realise how manipulative she is. Now know where the ex gets it from.

Oh well at least I don't have to bother with them to much.

[jellybean28]

Venting today just feeling angry and sad at the moment

Tried to do the right thing by a friend, by letting her stay with me as she had to leave where she was living. Now I know why, she has taken advantage of me, tried to cause an upset between our mutual friends and all in all been a right cow. Has lied to me, her cat which came to stay after she had moved her stuff in, it supposdly a good cat. Yeah well after it peed on my carpets and clawed both my lounges (he doesn't like using a scratching post), I'd hate to see her definination of a bad cat. So I get the silent treatment from her and her friends - I've now become the local cat hater. Next she doesn't come home for two days, when I rang her because I was worried about her she lied to me, the reason she is doing this is so she can refuse to pay her rent money, while leaving her stuff at my place for free as her so-called friends don't want her to live with them for more than a couple of days at a time. I've told her to move her stuff out of my house by Friday lunch time, she's upset as she has no where to go, well I really don't care it's her problem, this is the third time she had to move, telling us all the same things about the last person she stayed with. Someone needs to lock her up and throw away the key.
Why don't I learn and stop being so nice?

I've become so down because of all of this, I told a lovely man I've just started seeing that I don't think it will work between us as I'm just too complicated to be with. His sister a close friend is trying to help the both of us, she got us together in the first place, even she could see the chemistry between us the first time we met. I really don't want to loose him, before I've given the relationship a chance, but at the same time I'm back feeling down because of my almost Ex cow of a flatmate. I really don't know which is worse at the moment Ex flatmates or Ex spouses.

blah blah blah vent vent vent. Sorry guys just needed a huge vent and here is the only place I can do it for now.