muddy mudguard
18th November 2009, 06:10 PM
Ok so here’s my situation. I met my wife when I was on business in the US, she is American and I’m British. We met in April 2005 and dated across the oceans for 6months. She moved to the UK to be with me in November 2005. We lived together straight away which caused problems in itself as two people who really barely knew each other thrown together have to learn how to live with one another. I had issues from my previous marriage – my ex cheated on me and I had an 11month court battle to get to see my 9yr old son; and she had issues herself – she had never really been in a relationship – her ex was 52yrs old and married – they dated for 2yrs on and off. So she didn’t know how to be in a relationship and I was insecure. I digress though – we worked our way through these issues and became stronger for it. We had a baby boy in June 2007 and married in August 2007.
We lived in the UK together from November 2005 until June 1st of this year. Since our child was born she had become more upset over being apart from her family. Her father passed way in March of 2007 – he’d been ill for a long time with Alzheimers. She wanted to raise our child around her family. Mine is very small and they live all over the place so we had very little support around us and consequently in October of 2008 I said “Let’s go”. So we packed up and moved on June 1st. We had little money so we started off staying with her cousin. This was a problem for her because we were all in one room, I was on a blow up mattress on the floor, and her and our son was in the double bed.
We bought a car but it broke down and ended up costing us more than if we’d bought a more expensive vehicle. Money was tight and arguments ensued. Her father had left her $22,500 but this money didn’t come through until August/September, so she asked her cousin if she’d lend her some money to get out of their place. We moved into an apartment at the end of July. I got a job and started work on 20th July. My wages were going to pay the bills, her father’s money was going to furnish the apartment and provide her with a vehicle. She spent $8,000 on a vehicle and furnished our apartment but we still owe her cousin $2,500. I asked her to not spend that much on a vehicle for herself and to only spend $5K but she ignored my advice and spent it anyways.
Throughout all of this time were her family was dividing the estate, she would go out for lunches with them to meet and discuss the situation and once she went out for drinks afterwards, leaving me at home with our son. She would also occasionally go out in the evening when I’d gotten home from work and meet up with her niece (over at her house) for a few drinks. She even went out for dinner one night and I remarked on how early she came back as I thought they’d head out to a bar afterwards. I was supportive of some of this stuff but not all of it. For example I got upset that she went out for drinks afterwards, but not for the lunch as issues needed to be addressed. But I felt that I would like her company after the issues had been discussed. We were under stress in our relationship and she told me “Why would I come home to you when we’re arguing all the time”.
Things boiled to an ugly head about 6 or 7 weeks ago. She and I had both been drinking and an argument started. Things got pretty heated quite quickly and she came at me waving her finger in my face, screaming at me. I told her to back off or I would knock her out. This was very wrong of me I know. I have never been (or ever would be) violent towards any woman. She has subsequently backed me up on this to her family. She called her brothers that evening and they were on their way around to our place. Our argument continued in the meantime and she ended up hitting me – I turned to move away but she ended up scratching my neck with her nails and then pushed me into the door of our son’s bedroom. I reacted badly and called the police, firstly for her hitting me and secondly as her brother’s were on their way and I didn’t know what was going to happen. The police came and asked her to leave the apartment. Her family thinks I’m crazy for calling the police on her. I asked her brother if the boot was on the other foot – would they support her in calling the police. He said Yes but she’s a woman so she couldn’t hurt me.
Her brother who has trained to be a priest for 5yrs and is generally a reasonable man, offered to mediate. We agreed and went over to try and resolve our differences. Her issue was that as we had only one car and she was stuck in the house all day she wanted to get out once I got home as she had cabin fever. She said she felt I was controlling her as I got mad sometimes when she went out. She also said she felt I was smothering her.
I said that I just wanted my wife to want to spend time with me and show me some affection. We celebrated our 2nd Wedding Anniversary out here and she didn’t even get me a card let alone a gift. I got her some sexy underwear, some flowers, a beautiful card and some Champagne.
We both agreed that while I was adjusting to this new life that I was pulling her towards me as I need her support and love and she was pulling away as she felt smothered and controlled. So we agreed on a plan to understand one another and try to support each other better and give our marriage a good go.
Things got better for about 3 or 4 weeks – the odd row which escalated – usually alcohol fuelled but not to a screaming and shouting point. We let things lie until the morning and usually kissed and made up.
Then Friday just gone happened. Friday 13th!!! We had made plans for the Saturday for her niece to come over and her cousin – I was to cook for them all. But my wife came in from work (she started work 2 weeks ago) and called her niece, she asked me if I had a problem with her going over to see her niece tonight. I said No Problem at all. She said she’d be a couple of hours. Off she went at 7pm. I called her 5mins later and said “Hey, you know why I didn’t have a problem?” she said “No”, I said “well I thought that maybe I might get a reward when you get home” – I was trying to facilitate some intimacy between us - as our sex life is non-existent. She has told me that that is due to her not feeling an emotional connection with me – so all this last week, I’ve really tried hard to connect with her again so bearing in mind she’s been upset at leaving our son to start her job, I’ve dropped him off at day care later than she would and picked him up earlier. When I’ve done that, I’ve gotten home and cleaned up the apartment so it’s nice and tidy when she gets home, I’ve made dinners for when she gets back and presented her with a glass of wine – stuff to make her know I’m thinking of her and trying to make things easier on her.
Anyways, she went out and said she’d be a couple of hours. At 10:15pm she called, she sounded very drunk and admitted she was. She said she was finishing a bottle of wine and that she’d call me later. I said OK. She then called at 11:15pm and said she’d finished that wine, was opening some beer as they’d run out of wine and that she was too drunk to drive so wasn’t coming home. I got upset and told her I was upset as I wanted her to come home and her and I to be intimate. She went beserk and started screaming at me down the phone that I always have a problem with her hanging out with her family, that I was being controlling and why couldn’t I just chill out. I lost my temper then too and told her not to bother coming back at all, that if she wanted to see her son again she’d have to take me to court. Her niece comes on the phone and calls me a “f**king a**hole”, all the good stuff. So 20mins later she arrives at the apartment having drunk driven the 7miles back. I told her she wasn’t coming in and she’d better go back to her niece’s as planned. She went mad again and called all her family to tell them I’d locked her out of her apartment. I called her brother who told me in no uncertain terms to let her in. So I did and we went to bed – separately.
The next morning she kind of admitted that the last night was her fault and she said she just can’t go out with her family at all as I get upset. This is not the case at all – I just want her to do what she says she will do.
If anyone has any advice at all on my situation – then please feel free to give it. I don’t know where to turn anymore. The woman I’m with now is not the woman I married. She involves her family in almost all of our arguments and this is now turning them against me. I’m isolated enough over here without having none of her family to talk to either.
Thanks for reading and sorry it took so long to write.
Muddy
We lived in the UK together from November 2005 until June 1st of this year. Since our child was born she had become more upset over being apart from her family. Her father passed way in March of 2007 – he’d been ill for a long time with Alzheimers. She wanted to raise our child around her family. Mine is very small and they live all over the place so we had very little support around us and consequently in October of 2008 I said “Let’s go”. So we packed up and moved on June 1st. We had little money so we started off staying with her cousin. This was a problem for her because we were all in one room, I was on a blow up mattress on the floor, and her and our son was in the double bed.
We bought a car but it broke down and ended up costing us more than if we’d bought a more expensive vehicle. Money was tight and arguments ensued. Her father had left her $22,500 but this money didn’t come through until August/September, so she asked her cousin if she’d lend her some money to get out of their place. We moved into an apartment at the end of July. I got a job and started work on 20th July. My wages were going to pay the bills, her father’s money was going to furnish the apartment and provide her with a vehicle. She spent $8,000 on a vehicle and furnished our apartment but we still owe her cousin $2,500. I asked her to not spend that much on a vehicle for herself and to only spend $5K but she ignored my advice and spent it anyways.
Throughout all of this time were her family was dividing the estate, she would go out for lunches with them to meet and discuss the situation and once she went out for drinks afterwards, leaving me at home with our son. She would also occasionally go out in the evening when I’d gotten home from work and meet up with her niece (over at her house) for a few drinks. She even went out for dinner one night and I remarked on how early she came back as I thought they’d head out to a bar afterwards. I was supportive of some of this stuff but not all of it. For example I got upset that she went out for drinks afterwards, but not for the lunch as issues needed to be addressed. But I felt that I would like her company after the issues had been discussed. We were under stress in our relationship and she told me “Why would I come home to you when we’re arguing all the time”.
Things boiled to an ugly head about 6 or 7 weeks ago. She and I had both been drinking and an argument started. Things got pretty heated quite quickly and she came at me waving her finger in my face, screaming at me. I told her to back off or I would knock her out. This was very wrong of me I know. I have never been (or ever would be) violent towards any woman. She has subsequently backed me up on this to her family. She called her brothers that evening and they were on their way around to our place. Our argument continued in the meantime and she ended up hitting me – I turned to move away but she ended up scratching my neck with her nails and then pushed me into the door of our son’s bedroom. I reacted badly and called the police, firstly for her hitting me and secondly as her brother’s were on their way and I didn’t know what was going to happen. The police came and asked her to leave the apartment. Her family thinks I’m crazy for calling the police on her. I asked her brother if the boot was on the other foot – would they support her in calling the police. He said Yes but she’s a woman so she couldn’t hurt me.
Her brother who has trained to be a priest for 5yrs and is generally a reasonable man, offered to mediate. We agreed and went over to try and resolve our differences. Her issue was that as we had only one car and she was stuck in the house all day she wanted to get out once I got home as she had cabin fever. She said she felt I was controlling her as I got mad sometimes when she went out. She also said she felt I was smothering her.
I said that I just wanted my wife to want to spend time with me and show me some affection. We celebrated our 2nd Wedding Anniversary out here and she didn’t even get me a card let alone a gift. I got her some sexy underwear, some flowers, a beautiful card and some Champagne.
We both agreed that while I was adjusting to this new life that I was pulling her towards me as I need her support and love and she was pulling away as she felt smothered and controlled. So we agreed on a plan to understand one another and try to support each other better and give our marriage a good go.
Things got better for about 3 or 4 weeks – the odd row which escalated – usually alcohol fuelled but not to a screaming and shouting point. We let things lie until the morning and usually kissed and made up.
Then Friday just gone happened. Friday 13th!!! We had made plans for the Saturday for her niece to come over and her cousin – I was to cook for them all. But my wife came in from work (she started work 2 weeks ago) and called her niece, she asked me if I had a problem with her going over to see her niece tonight. I said No Problem at all. She said she’d be a couple of hours. Off she went at 7pm. I called her 5mins later and said “Hey, you know why I didn’t have a problem?” she said “No”, I said “well I thought that maybe I might get a reward when you get home” – I was trying to facilitate some intimacy between us - as our sex life is non-existent. She has told me that that is due to her not feeling an emotional connection with me – so all this last week, I’ve really tried hard to connect with her again so bearing in mind she’s been upset at leaving our son to start her job, I’ve dropped him off at day care later than she would and picked him up earlier. When I’ve done that, I’ve gotten home and cleaned up the apartment so it’s nice and tidy when she gets home, I’ve made dinners for when she gets back and presented her with a glass of wine – stuff to make her know I’m thinking of her and trying to make things easier on her.
Anyways, she went out and said she’d be a couple of hours. At 10:15pm she called, she sounded very drunk and admitted she was. She said she was finishing a bottle of wine and that she’d call me later. I said OK. She then called at 11:15pm and said she’d finished that wine, was opening some beer as they’d run out of wine and that she was too drunk to drive so wasn’t coming home. I got upset and told her I was upset as I wanted her to come home and her and I to be intimate. She went beserk and started screaming at me down the phone that I always have a problem with her hanging out with her family, that I was being controlling and why couldn’t I just chill out. I lost my temper then too and told her not to bother coming back at all, that if she wanted to see her son again she’d have to take me to court. Her niece comes on the phone and calls me a “f**king a**hole”, all the good stuff. So 20mins later she arrives at the apartment having drunk driven the 7miles back. I told her she wasn’t coming in and she’d better go back to her niece’s as planned. She went mad again and called all her family to tell them I’d locked her out of her apartment. I called her brother who told me in no uncertain terms to let her in. So I did and we went to bed – separately.
The next morning she kind of admitted that the last night was her fault and she said she just can’t go out with her family at all as I get upset. This is not the case at all – I just want her to do what she says she will do.
If anyone has any advice at all on my situation – then please feel free to give it. I don’t know where to turn anymore. The woman I’m with now is not the woman I married. She involves her family in almost all of our arguments and this is now turning them against me. I’m isolated enough over here without having none of her family to talk to either.
Thanks for reading and sorry it took so long to write.
Muddy