How to make a new marriage work

[Asil]

Hi everyone - I'm new here - searching for some impartial and honest advice.

Basic info about my relationship is - met hubby when I was 22, we are now 30 and married in April this year. We have a beautiful baby girl and generally we are a happy family unit

BUT there are underlying issues in our relationship that I thought we had ironed out when we attended counselling about two years ago.

We have two very different ways of approaching career and money - I am dedicated and hard working, hubby can be lazy. I have to be honest and say that I may have helped skew his effort / reward perception - I have for the most part of our relationship been a higher earner than him (not unusual in this day and age I think?).

We sat down and talked a few months ago and made a plan for our family's future which meant we agreed to fully focus on saving for a bigger family home - however yesterday we had an argument as hubby wants to further his photography hobby which means more expensive equipment.

I feel let down and disappointed but not surprised which altogether has left me feeling quite sad.

To sum it up I would say I want us to want the same things at the same time but I don't know if I am fighting a losing battle. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

PS

I am sorry if any of this is unclear and if this is more on the trivial side of things - help is required!:)

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Asil - welcome :)

Congratulations on your marriage and baby! Congratulations, too, on making the effort to resolve potentially divisive issues before they develop a life of their own.

I think you will receive as many points of view as you do replies - ideally, you'll be able to make a selection of comments, which add up to a workable approach for you personally.

You're right to set out your shared financial plans from the beginning. People often muddle along with the idea that "love is enough" - true in many ways, but hard to remember when the money runs out. But be careful of over-emphasising the material side of your marriage.

Some marriages are created primarily as a business partnership, but that doesn't seem to be the case with you two (or you wouldn't have chosen a man you describe as lazy!) Love is more important, when push comes to shove - and loving means respecting your partner's views, needs and aspirations.

With this in mind, I'd suggest it's the right time for you both to start honing your in-couple negotiation skills. When you constructed your home-buying plan, did you build in enough flexibility for other interests, holidays, emergencies and so on? Maybe you thought so. Maybe it's an idea to revisit the plan, with a wider set of criteria and more flexible parameters.

When you say he wants to further his photography hobby, does that mean he's thinking of taking it to a more professional level? Is there earning potential here, albeit unquantifiable right now? Perhaps the pair of you could look into it a little more closely, seeing if the equipment can be viewed as an investment against the future.

You didn't say how you handle your family life - does your husband do most of the home & child care? This often becomes a sticking point, nowadays, when one or both partners finds their expectations are actually more traditional than they'd thought. One of my friends is a business heavy hitter, with lots of children and a lovely husband who does a "little" job (and most of the shopping, school stuff & so on). It works absolutely brilliantly for them: they love and respect each other for who they are and what they do. Sadly, they're fairly unusual. If either of you is starting to feel insecure with your earnings mismatch, you really need to pull those issues out now - not five years and another baby down the line!

Okay, that's enough thoughts from me. Let's see what some others have to say ...

AG

[Asil]

Thank you AG

Sadly there it now turns out there is a twist - I have just discovered that my husband has once again gotten himself into financial difficulties. This time he owes money to the tax man and I am devastated.

We have been here before and I am starting to feel like no matter what we both we do this cycle repeats itself. I am starting to wonder if we would be happier apart.

We obviously have a child to consider now and I never thought marriage would be easy but likewise I never thought it would be so hard - I am struggling to find positives.

Well that's not true he is a wonderful father and can be very thoughful but recently there seems to more often than not be a sting in the tale.

I am completely at a loss as to what to do next - I can't help but feel angry and disappointed.

Just as an FYI regarding the photography hobby I have also asked if there was a possibility of future earning potential - the response I received was that it is a very saturated market. He has however taken up "jobs" for nightclubs where he gets free entry and to hang out with his friends.

It has now just dawned on me that this is a way for hubby to escape.

[Ageing Grace]

He has however taken up "jobs" for nightclubs where he gets free entry and to hang out with his friends.

It has now just dawned on me that this is a way for hubby to escape.

Ouch, Asil :(

I wondered whether you would post back after having this thought - if you're still here?

It's not unusual for a 30-year-old guy to still be a 'boy' in his head, and I wonder if the reality of having an actual family of his own has freaked him out a bit? He'd hardly be unique amongst his peers, if so :rolleyes:

Whether you can stand it or not is up to you. In the 25 years that separate you & me, I can tell you that half of my pals chose to stick with what they could trust (their own career and their own baby; goodbye man-boy) and half chose to assume the role of saintly nag :eek: There were also a few who married family-minded, financially secure, Lovely Blokes. The multinational director I told you about, above, is a remarkable exception.

A generation has passed and, although I could (and do!) rant in other places about persistent inequality, I think couples' expectations are as far out of kilter as they were in my day. What it comes down to - still - is what YOU expect and / or will settle for.

He's a lovely man and a great dad. Don't take this for granted. The most significant change between my generation and yours has been - it often seems - that boys are now more confused! I'd say it's always been a bonus to find a man who actually enjoys & participates in the family routine. Worse, now: survey after survey shows men feeling more like eternal youths.

Your least-preferred option - subsidising his pursuits, plus setting a few boundaries - offers the benefits of a sharing co-parent and a fun partner. Those benefits are less likely to be available with your other obvious choices:-

You could dump your husband, in preference for an Asil-directed existence in which you provide, sort out childcare and, we hope, meet a more like-minded man later. I can't find any practical flaws in this. However, you're the one whose time will be always 200% committed and who will always, always, feel stressed and guilty. It can work (when you're a mother you will MAKE it work, whatever "it" is!). Just don't kid yourself you'll be floating around on dates with hard-working, caring, sexy, step-child-loving millionaires. You won't have the time to change into your little black dress.

Mid-point, there's the unattractive option of sticking with the man you married - the father of your baby - and PUSHING him to choose the grown-up role. He'll probably hate you for it. You will undoubtedly hate yourself for it. But this is what most women do.

Raymond puts it much more nicely: he says stuff like "a man can be many things, but it takes a wife to show him the best he can be". Which is lovely and - much as I wish it weren't so - true. The reality of being that wife is what drives many to forums like this one!

It means playing multiple roles as friend, partner, lover, boss and [eek] mother - while simultaneously doing your job, bringing home the bacon and getting promoted. It means whining, encouraging and poking your husband's ego with pointy sticks. It's what makes men grow up.

In the long run, I've seen that this works. I wouldn't be recommending it otherwise, because I don't like it!

I should also admit that I could never have done it. In my own defence, I'll also tell you I never expected a knight in shining armour ... just as well, eh? Before you make any big decisions, Asil, make sure you're not still dreaming of the Mills & Boon hero. That's being juvenile - just as surely as the married father, who still dreams of his big break happening at 3am in some club, is being juvenile.

At least one of you has to be a grown-up. 9 times out of 10, the grown-up is the woman.

You're fortunate to have choices, Asil - and you do have them :) Be grateful. I'd advise you to talk to as many wiser people (mine were my great-aunts; you'll know who yours are) as possible. Do not base your permanent decisions on pure feeling. Get wider input.

And good luck!

Heartfelt wishes,
Ageing (dis)Grace(fully)

[Asil]

Once again thank you AG.

It's been a couple of days since the I first posted and H and I have had a few quite frank and honest chats.

I have to be honest and tell you that I never intended to leave H, I was reaching out here in order to vent and also get some advice from people removed from the situation.

H came home from work on Thursday with four pages of a notebook filled with ideas and his perception of things. I didn't prompt him to do this like I may have done in the past. He has come up with a plan on two fronts - to put effort in and be a husband to me and also he has found himself a second job to help fix his messy financial situation.

After eight years and one baby together we are still very much a work in progress. But we both want so much for this marriage to work.

:)

[Ageing Grace]

Thank you for such a lovely reply, Asil!

Wishing the very best for both of you, and all the help you need :)

AG

[Jackie-Jhonson]

Well, he needs to grow up a little...have you trid to compromise with him? Lets say he will by not so expensive camera to save more money for the new house?