Mid life crisis?

[Kay]

My husband is 42, I am 43 and we have been married for 19 years. Last year, he lost his job in a high level management position. In the two years prior to this, his sister committed suicide, my father died suddenly and we moved into a new house. All stress factors, I realize.

As a result of these life changing events, I sought help for depression and am currently on medication and in therapy. My husband's response to these emotional events was completely opposite of mine - he went into a "manic" state, working out, wearing different clothes, acting like he was a 20 year old (really silly, crazy) which didn't help my emotional state at all. Then, 3 months ago, he told me he didn't love me anymore, and that he had been lying to me about a relationship he was having with my best friend of 15 years. He swears up and down that it was not physical at all. She was a willing "ear" and was trying to help him sort out his feelings, according to him.

I think that this "emotional affair" only drew him further away from me, and I am devastated at both of them. They no longer talk, and my husband wants to remain in our marriage, but still says he doesn't love me and wants time to figure out what he is going through and what he wants. I'm just not sure if I'm making a big mistake, or how long I can wait. We tried counseling twice, but he said he wants to "talk" things out together instead. Sure sounds like a midlife crisis to me, but what do others think? Thank you all in advance for caring enough to respond.

[Liz]

Hi Kay,

Just wanted to share something of our experience with redundancy. David was made redundant from a really good job and he found it very tough at first. I remember one day sitting at the table sticking postage stamps on envelopes. He had decided that he would build a kit car while he had time on his hands so we sent of for lots and lots of catalogues! To me it seemed a bizarre way to respond when our finances were so uncertain, but I went along with it, because of a gut reaction that he needed to do this. He later shared with me what a challenge it was to lose his job which he had put so much into. He felt angry and unsure of himself and needed a project to work on. It was one of the toughest times in our marriage, because I couldn't get very close at times - he was using most of his emotional energy just coping with life. It was very scary.

I was reasonably stable at the time myself so I was able to stay alongside him while he worked through things, but it's hard if you're shaken or depressed yourself. I think many men and increasing numbers of women have a lot of their self worth tied up in their careers and feel very vulnerable if they are made redundant.

It's sad he didn't think he could turn to you and turned elsewhere, because I'm sure you would have done your best to understand him. Surely it's good now that he wants to talk things through with you - isn't that the way forward to try and understand his concerns and doubts. Many marriage partners struggle when "loving feelings" are absent. Those loving feelings can return and much more, when we are able to accept the disappointments in marriage and go on choosing to love and act lovingly to one another.

There is an area on the site about disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) and an article there about love - "All you need is love" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/loveis/) which looks at what we really mean by love. Perhpas you might find something helpful there.

I hope you can fidn a way forward together.

Liz

[Unregistered]

Kay, I think that the fact the affair was not a physical one is evidence of the fact that your husband and you do really care for you. It does really sound like a mid life crisis, I think, and no wonder with all the stresses that must have been building up - while you were seeking therapy and help, he was probably throwing himself into his work, and now that's gone too. It is good that he has been able to talk about it to someone, at least it shows he is aware he needs to talk about it and is capable of doing so - you just need to try to get to be that person he talks to.

He has probably avoided this in the past as he will have been aware that you were struggling to deal with your own problems, and didn't want to burden you with his, so somehow you need to let him know that you are stronger, and there for him now, in his hour of confusion.

Midlife crises can, for some people, indicate a turning point or major change in their life, so I think it's really important to get close to him again asap or he could drift away.