I love you but I am not in love with you

[Printer]

not in love with you'
Hi everyone. I wish I had found this site some months ago. Let me tell you my story. I have been married to my wife for 17 years, been together 24 years. I'm 43 and she is 38, we have a beautiful 13 year old son. Like most marriages we had a few disagreements and rows, but nothing serious. I met my wife when she was only 14 turning 15. She was very mature for her age and I, like a true gent, waited for her coming of age. She had come from a broken home and a couple of years before, lost her mum to cancer( age 30 ). She was living with her gran and older sister. We got on like really well, then she was told she had to have a preventative cancer operation, as it was hereditary. For her to have such a big operation at a young age was awful. I ended up being the father figure to her as her dad had started a new life.
After the operation we got married and moved into our first house. We were so happy and started trying for a baby. This proved to be very difficult due to after effects of her operation. Finally the day came in 1996 and our son was born.
Fast forwarding to January of this year I heard the dreaded words ' I love you but I am not in love with you'. I was gutted and moved to my mums to give the space she wanted. Well as per usual I failed to give her the space, I became needy and begged and cryed. All the common mistakes.
This went on for a number of months, then we were told our son will have to have the same operation early next year. I thought that in some kind of odd way, this might bring us closer. But no, she just said we will be both there for him and he will cope. I moved back home in August after she had an accident at work and was unable to walk for three weeks. I stayed in the spare bedroom and we seemed to be getting on well. Our son was enjoying his family being together. But it clearly was not right and I kept talking about our relationship. In September, my wife switched jobs and became attracted to a customer. They dated, unknown to me. I went made when I found out. My son regrettably heard the row. She left the following day and moved to a friends house. She is about to move into her own flat soon. I miss her so much and so does my son, who is living with me. She told friends that she would never leave without her son, but that's what she's done.
I'm still in a total state of shock that she has gone. We still speak and appear to be on good terms. She tells me that the person she met is only a friend, not sure about that one. She tells me the reasons for ending our relationship was because she felt controlled and belittled by me. I never seen it coming because I cared for her so much and did'nt realizise this was affecting her. I wish she had told me and not her close friends. Lots of her friends and co-workers are either divorced or seperated and I think they are giving strength and advice. I have written a lovely letter admitting to my mistakes and how she must have felt. I have not criticised her at all and have taken responsibility for my actions. Should I send her this letter and hope that she might at some point forgive me?
I love this girl so much, me and my son desperately want our family to be reunited.

What should I do? 24 years is a long long time

[clockwork orange]

One thing that immediately comes to mind from my own experience is - menopause. Agewise she is at the lower end but not unusually so. It makes us act pretty irrationally, as my H will testify.

[Printer]

One thing that immediately comes to mind from my own experience is - menopause. Agewise she is at the lower end but not unusually so. It makes us act pretty irrationally, as my H will testify.

Do you think she could be having a midlife crisis? Her behaviour seems so odd to me. After 24 years she tells me the spark has gone and her feelings are no longer. Her so called friends are not helping, as her best friend is half way through a divorce . There are always two sides to every arguement. Myself and my son are really struggling, i'm trying to remain strong for him but it's so hard. We both want our family reunited.

[Printer]

Printer,
I may not be the best person to ask on these things, but saw that you haven't had many replies as of yet. I know how desperate one can feel firsthand :). I am on the other side of the coin kind of. I am the wife that sees all the problems and has a husband that I am trying to decide if I give him another chance or not...

However I would like to state that if you have a letter that helps to express you, I would send it. I am struggling with my own letter situation, but like I said I am on the other side!

Goodluck, Amber

Hi Amber

Thanks for your advice. I think I will send her my letter, it is very heartfelt and personal. She knows how much I love her but I feel that owning up to my mistakes will somehow makes things easier for me too. It's taken me four weeks to compose this letter and I hope to have covered pretty much everything in our long relationship. I'm hoping at the very least, she will think about myself and my son rather than her current needs.
When you say you are struggling with your letter situation, what do you mean?

[Printer]

I posted my email on here in another thread for advice under christian marraige and husband doesn't want sex... so I still haven't been able to decide to hit the send button or not... mine is an email... so yeah, mine is a bit more complicated coming from a relationship with a TON of issues and trying to decided if I have the desire to stay in the relationship and the strength to put in what needs to be done if my husband comes around... or to just keep the email and go. I wish you the best! Amber

Hi Amber

I've just read some of your thread and I am really feeling for you. You sound like a lovely person, wife and mother. I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family. It must be really hard for you at this time, I just wish my wife was like you, very understanding and loyal.
I hope things work out for you.

[Printer]

Hi again

In times of struggle and heartache it's reassuring to know that there are kind and caring people in this world. I don't know who you are and I will never meet you, but I can feel you warmth and presence and that is a wonderful feeling. Take care of yourself and your family, I am thinking of you.
I will let you know how things are going at my end and I am sure you will do the same.

God bless

[clockwork orange]

Hi Printer

Yeah, it does sound like a MLC, which can be triggered by menopause in women which is why I raised that question. There are several good links on this forum concerning MLC, so it may be worth doing a search for them.

I agree with others that you do need to communicate your feelings etc with your W somehow, and writing is usually best as you can get it how you want it, and de-emotionalise it to an extent. Something I learned a while ago was to try to create word pictures using things that are important to your W to express your feelings - seems to get through better. For eg (from the aspergers thread) I wish you would caress me as lovingly as the Harley. Although it is good to expand on how I feel when X happens, rather than SHE makes ME feel......

Please do keep posting here, as the folk on here are amazingly caring and supportive regardless of their own troubles. Its a good place to meet

Karen

[Printer]

Thanks Karen

I will look into MLC information. It's sounding like it to me.
I will keep you informed.

God bless

Mark

[Printer]

The wife made contact with me this morning via text and I chose to ignore it. Later this afternoon she phoned me regarding some furniture she needed for her flat. I told her to come over and let me know what she wanted. After a cup of coffee, we started talking about our son and that she missed him so much. I decided at this point it was time for my letter.
I told her I have written her a letter for her to read later. She asked me to read it to her. I must admit it was hard work reading it, yet i've read it a thousand times before. I just about managed to reach the end and she asked if she could keep it. I gave her the letter and she said it was very honest of me and she appreicated it.
Owning up to my mistakes felt like a huge weight off my shoulders.

We discussed some of the points and she said that it could help her to forgive me in time. That sounded quite positive to me!

I'm hoping she will read it again soon.

[Raymond]

Sounds positive. What does she have to forgive you for? Is that a reason for her behaviour?

Raymond

[Printer]

I must admit that after 24 years together we did take each other for granted. I got caught in the trap of doing my own things eg. out with the guys, watching football down the pub and general socialising without considering my wife's opinion. In fact I would always say yes to the guys before I mentioned it to her. She must have felt really lonely, unloved and second best. Stupid little things clearly began to upset her, resulting in resentment and distance.
I didn't realise how hard it was to run the house, what with now being full time dad and trying to run a business. It has been a real eye opener for me and I never appriecated what hard hard work it must have been for my wife (she also worked).
My actions were causing her problems but she never really communicated them to me, only a passing comment.
Maybe I was never around enough for her to do it properly?

I now know my mistakes, which have clearly affected our marriage and have owned up to them.
I would give my right arm for another chance.

[sean1234]

Hi there mate.You should read my story which is my wife left after 18 years please help.Its all very similar.My wife is only 33 and i think she is having a midlife crisis.I too am left with my 2 boys and realise what hard work it is.I also got the words i love you but not in love with you.Im 5 weeks in now and Ive not contacted her for 3 days.Thats a miracle 4 me.Miss her so much yet enjoyed my own space b4 she went.I too took her for granted.And i also would give my right arm for a second chance.Have a read mate and let me know what u think.Like you my friend im sure would give anything to have a day where i did not think of her.Its the most painful thing i have ever encountered and i know exacly what you are going through.Take care sean

[Printer]

Hi there mate.You should read my story which is my wife left after 18 years please help.Its all very similar.My wife is only 33 and i think she is having a midlife crisis.I too am left with my 2 boys and realise what hard work it is.I also got the words i love you but not in love with you.Im 5 weeks in now and Ive not contacted her for 3 days.Thats a miracle 4 me.Miss her so much yet enjoyed my own space b4 she went.I too took her for granted.And i also would give my right arm for a second chance.Have a read mate and let me know what u think.Like you my friend im sure would give anything to have a day where i did not think of her.Its the most painful thing i have ever encountered and i know exacly what you are going through.Take care sean


Hi Sean

Just finished reading your story and it is very similar. I know exactly how you have been feeling, it is totally gut wrenching for you and your kids.
I think it is important that you try and encourage you children to talk to their mum, I have with my boy, on a regular basis. Try not to question them what they have been talking to their mum about though. Keep up the NC but I think LC is better, because you do need to talk to her about the children and only the children. When you do talk to her try and remain cheerful and not needy, I know it's hard cos I've been there.

Keeping up with the household chores and ensuring that the kids have a routine is also important. I have been trying to keep myself busy around the house and have finally finished off all the odd jobs that needed doing. This did not go unnoticed, when the wife came around, she commented on it. Make sure you look after yourself too, I went out and bought some new trendy clothes, shoes and gave myself a bit of a makeover. It felt really good when I finally went out with my brother for a drink. Again after seeing my wife, when she picked up my boy, she commented on my new wardrode to one of our friends.
Although we have been having problems since January, I've done all the begging and pleading which is a definate no no, yet your emotions for whatever reason, convince you it's right. I made the mistake of continually talking about the relationship, which was pushing her further away.
She finally moved out 6 weeks ago without our son, which i don't think was in her plan.
Like your wife, she can barely afford where she is now living, but I have tried not help her in any way. This is probably the hard part for me, part of me wants to see her get into financial trouble and fall flat on her face, yet I don't want to see this happen either. Sorry if that sounds odd!!

What I decided to do was analyze our marriage and put myself into my wifes shoes. It took some doing I must admit. I looked at all the things I have done to upset her and how she must have felt.eg I had a habit of dropping everything to help out mates so I worked out she must have felt alone, cos I wasn't there for her, and I also treated her as second best, when of course she should always come first.
As you now know, running the house and looking after the kids is bloody hard work, but have you ever thanked her for doing it? I never did either.

So I ran through everything I could think of, but never mentioned the word sorry, well not until the end and just said things like ' you must have felt so angry and hurt when I ...........

I also said:

'I cannot forgive myself for changing my wedding vows of ‘I do’ under God’s watchful eyes in church to ‘I didn’t’. I have failed both you and my son'

So take responibility for all your wrong doings, whether you felt they were right or wrong and you will feel better, I did. But do not critisize her in any way. It is your apology to her and she might start to forgive you.

I must admit I did receive a positive response from my wife today, after I read it to her. She asked to keep it, hopefully to read it again and again. I'm hoping that she might even send me one back, now that would be really positive.

I know it was only a tiny step, but for me it was huge.

Like you my friend, we both want the same thing, so we have to stay strong for ourselves and our children.
Try and keep up our spirits and God will help us through this bumpy ride.

Good Luck and God bless

Mark

[Raymond]

Printer I think there is a bit of hope there following your letter as Amber has described. I agree wholeheartedly with her comments. It may not be too late, but you have work to do if you are serious in wanting her back.

Raymond

[Printer]

A little while has passed since I last posted, so here is the latest update.

After reading her my letter we have not talked about our relationship at all. We all went out last Tuesday to watch WWE American Wrestling, something we booked last year. My wife was a tad reluctant but decided to go as it was our son's treat. We all had a fab time and the wife really enjoyed herself. I promised myself that being in her company for many hours I was not going to mention us. I was so proud that I managed to acheive this.

Since that day I have recuited a life coach, to help me to start looking forward to life and not backwards.
This is something I have done for me and me only.
After only 1.5 hours with him, I now understand how my brain works and why I've made rash and distructive decisions in the past. I am really looking forward to my next session next week where we will be using hypnotherpy to help clear my scrambled thoughts.

My best friend commented only today that I seem different person and more positive about things. I'm hoping that my wife, at some point in the future will also notice these chances.

Although my ulimate goal to get my wife back and start a new and improved marriage, I have no way affecting this.
If it is not to be, then it is not to be, but I know I am now becoming a better and stronger person for me and my son.

God bless

[Ageing Grace]

What a positive post, Printer - thank you!

I love hypnotherapy; the practitioners always leave you feeling really great! It's a very quick way to access some of your deeply-ingrained thought patterns. Since you've already spotted those and decided you want to change them, my guess is you'll respond incredibly well. Good on you :)

Have a nice week.
AG

[rich84]

how are you progressing, printer?

[Printer]

how are you progressing, printer?

Hi Rich84

I have been reading your thread, which is very sad and will post later.

It has been a little while since I last posted and not an awful lot has changed. The hypnotherpy and life coaching is going very well. I feel a lot better in myself which other people have picked up on. I now have a more positive outlook on life for myself and my son. I have been spending some time socialising and catching up with old friends which has been nice. I have also been brave enough to talk to other woman whilst out. It has been such a long time for me given that we were together for 24 years.

I have spoken to the wife on a few occasions regarding our son and our marriage. She tells me she has also been catching up with old friends, as she felt she gave up a lot when she met me so young, which I do understand.
She tells me her new flat does not feel homely and she is struggling with the bills. She is rapidly eating into her savings which wont last long, but alas, a bit of hardship wont do her any harm.

I'm now looking forward to the New Year in a positive frame of mind. I am going to set up goals and targets for homelife with my son, work and my social life. Although I am not interested in a new relationship yet, I intend to continue working on myself knowing that it will make me a much better person. I really would love for my wife to come back, but it can only happen if she wants too.
My life coach and I have spent time talking about our marriage and have both agreed that my wife would benefit from coaching herself. I hope that she see's the improvements in me and thinks maybe it could help her too. She still seems very insecure and confused and has made a few odd statements like " I know we can save this marriage, but I don't want too".

I now just intend to sit back and enjoy the holiday season with my son and what will be, will be.


God Bless

Mark

[Ageing Grace]

I now just intend to sit back and enjoy the holiday season with my son and what will be, will be.


God Bless

Mark

Thank you for your post and your blessings, Mark :)

Hope everything stays on course with you - have a lovely Christmas.

AG x

[jellybean28]

Hi Printer,

What a lovely positive update and inspirational too. :p

I too am seeing a life coach but due to distance we mostly have to have phone sessions. But after AG and your comments about hypnotherapy I will book a session with her face to face in the new year the 3hr drive will be worth it. Hopefully it will help me to move on and stop reduce the times I take a backwards dive.

May the new year be filled with positive changes

Take care and please update us when you have time

Gillian :):):)

[Printer]

Hi all

As always, thanks for your comments.

Spoke to the wife earlier today regarding the Christmas arrangements. She tells me she would like to have Christmas dinner with our son and me. She says not to read anything into it, as she is doing it for our son.
It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but a least we will spend some time together as a family.
I made the error of bringing up our relationship and she tells me that she has no desire to reconcile. She is enjoying her own space and freedom to do as she pleases. I must admit it really hurt me when she said that, but I am much stronger now and allowed it to go above my head.

Does anybody out there have any ideas how to make this Christmas Day the most memorable one ever? I really want to impress her and make her feel welcome and special without going overboard.


On another note, I went to a relationship seminar last week. It really opened up my mind to how a relationship should work. If only we had gone to one of these some years ago whilst things were going well.

I spoke to the experts regarding my position and they said that one partner falling out of love with the other is so so common. And it is such a shame that after 17 years of marriage, she will not consider some coaching to discover both our needs and begin the road to reconnection and true love.
They told me a few stories regarding couples who pretty much hated each other, yet they managed to turn their marriage around and rediscover their love.
They have offered to help us, both on a one to one basis and also as a couple and are confident of reconnection and hopefully reconcilation, but that is not guaranteed. I know that I have finally found the right people to help us. I am sure my wife would feel very comfortable and at ease with them, as they are straight forward, down to earth people, who explain things extremely well and also the female coach reminds me of one of our friends.

I truely believe that our marrige can be saved, but how do I convince her to try? I know it has to be her decision and she cannot be forced into doing something she doesn't want to do.
I just pray that 'she wakes up and realises' before it's to late.

God Bless

Mark

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Mark :)

You asked two questions: here are my thoughts. Others may give you better advice than me ...

Does anybody out there have any ideas how to make this Christmas Day the most memorable one ever? I really want to impress her and make her feel welcome and special without going overboard.

Don't go overboard!!!

I imagine the best Christmas will be relaxed, warm and easy-going.

Given that you're a married man, I'm going to assume you don't know how to do it. Apologies in advance, if I'm wrong!


Decorate the house.
Get a real tree. Decorate it. If you already have tree decorations, use those. If buying new, go for mid-range (or even budget) baubles & lights. Only go 'designer' if that's what you always do; otherwise use traditional red, green, gold & silver.
Remember to get crackers and mince pies (or make them), plus something snacky for before dinner.
Decorate the table. Do this on the night of the 24th, or very early Christmas day.
Wrap the presents neatly & put them under the tree. It takes MUCH longer than you think, start on the 23rd latest.
Don't buy your wife anything flashy, it'll go down the wrong way.
Do put a lot of thought into what you get your son.
Plan your menu NOW. Choose the Christmas dinner you usually have, not something exotic by Raymond le Blanc. Have you got a Delia Smith cookery book? If so, use it. Failing that, buy a 'housewifey' magazine like Good Housekeeping, Woman's Journal or She, which has a Christmas planner in it.
Shop for everything except the veg in advance. Start tomorrow; it takes longer than you think & the shops sell out close to the day ;)
Shop-bought Christmas puddings are very OK (and you can microwave them). All the ones called "finest" or "luxury" are good.
If you want to do the flame thing with the pudding, you'll need some brandy. Offer brandy cream and/or rum butter and/or ice cream with it - all can be bought ready-made, or make in advance & freeze them.
Packet stuffings & bread sauce are fine, too - home-made are better, but don't go there unless you're already a confident cook.
Buy cranberry sauce but don't use instant gravy. You must make it from the pan juices (your recipe will tell you how).
Buy the veg on the 22nd or 23rd. Fresh, of course, not frozen.
It's only a roast dinner. It is actually very easy to cook! The brain damage comes from timing all the veg, sauces, stuffings & so on to be ready at the same time. Christmas planners include time charts. Plan your times right, and you'll do all the impressing you need :D
What time is she coming? Make sure the house is warm & clean, you've got the right drinks to hand, and plan your cooking so there's a lull when she arrives and you can join in the family fun.
If she's coming for breakfast, plan & shop that in advance, too.
If you've looked at the Christmas planners and had a meltdown ... buy the whole caboodle, ready prepared, from Marks & Spencers or Waitrose :D
Time it right and you'll have a wonderful day That's what will impress your wife!


I truely believe that our marrige can be saved, but how do I convince her to try?

You can't push this at her, Mark. Don't raise the reconciliation issue at Christmas, there's too much random emotion in the air anyway. What you could do - preferably some time after you've provided a relaxed, pampered & pain-free Christmas - is let her know you went on a self-help course, really enjoyed it and wondered if she'd like a copy of the brochure? Something like that.

Happy Christmas ;)
AG

[Ageing Grace]

I didn't realise how hard it was to run the house. It has been a real eye opener for me and I never appriecated what hard hard work it must have been for my wife (she also worked).

I now know my mistakes, which have clearly affected our marriage and have owned up to them.
I would give my right arm for another chance.

Just in case the point isn't strong enough ... We talk about "giving people a good Christmas".

[Printer]

Hi AG

Thanks for your tips regarding Christmas. I can almost smell the turkey cooking now!

I just hope that I don't mess things up as I just want it to be perfect in every way. Both myself and my son want to make it the best Christmas ever, but we know it will be a very trying day.

I will definitely not mention our relationship, but will just relax and go with the flow. I hope she notices all the effort myself and my son will put into the big day.

You are so right about Christmas, it is all about giving and not expecting anything in return. Although a Christmas kiss from her would be just fantastic.

I am planning a big New Year Celebration at home with around 30 friends. It will be a great chance to see the back of this awful year and hopefully be the start of a new beginning for me and my son and who knows, maybe my wife too. Now that would be fairytale ending.


Take care

Mark

[Ageing Grace]

Great news :)

Good luck!

[Jackie-Jhonson]

It hurts but if you see no hope maybe it's better to move on with your life!

Sorry...

[Printer]

It hurts but if you see no hope maybe it's better to move on with your life!

Sorry...


Hi JJ

Not ready to give up yet. Although it has been nearly one year now, I still have huge feelings for my wife. The thought of moving on really scares me.
I am so sure her friends, who are mostly divorced, are not helping our situation as she now has very little contact with our 'sitting on the fence' friends. It's all to easy to find friends who will agree with her every statement whether it is right or wrong. I'm sure she is just looking for validation from them.

The sad thing is, that all the people we know were really shocked when they heard about us, stating that they thought we would be the last couple to have marriage problems.
We must have been doing something right all these years or were we just good actors!!

[Printer]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I last posted so I thought I will update you.

Well, Christmas Day turned out to be absolutely fantastic, my wife came over early and helped prepare our dinner, she was impressed with the effort me and my son put into it, big thanks to Ageing Grace, and I just knew it would turn out well. During the course of the day my son wanted to visit his cousins, who were at my mums for the day, along with the rest of my family and we decided, including my wife, to surprise them all. Well my mum, four brothers and their families were stunned when all three of us walked through the door. The day went on and I offered to put up my wife for an overnight stop which she happily accepted, which was great for our son.
Well we spent all of boxing day together and it seemed like old times again, it was brilliant.
Since that day we have spent time and some overnight stops together and are now seriously talking about reconcillation, which would be just fab. I am trying not to rush things but the signs are looking really positive.

Although 2009 was the worst year of my life, I think 2010 could be one of the best, fingers crossed for me!!!!!:):):):):)

[jellybean28]

Thanks for the update printer

Glad to hear you had a good Christmas, and things are going well for you.
Will keep my fingers crossed that all goes well.

:p:p:p

[Ageing Grace]

OMG, Mark, what a brilliant update! Well done, you! :) :)

As you say: early days yet. You both have my very best wishes.

AG
xx

[spiderman]

Brilliant mate good luck hope it works out as you wish !

Lee

[Printer]

Thanks guys and gals for your ongoing support, I don't quite know what I would have done without you.
Your comments and encouragement have certainly helped me through many tough times and I applaud you all.
Although things appear to be going in the right direction for me, still a long way to go, I really do feel for you all. This past year has been the most traumatic time for both me and my son and we can finally see a glowing glimmer of hope.
I know that I am in the minority as many of you also wish for eventual reconcillation, but hopefully you can gain some strength from my situation as living proof that things can change.
I really hope that you all can get your relationships back on track and enjoy a peaceful and happy life together.

I will keep you posted on any developments.

God bless you all

Mark xx