Advice needed re: X and childcare related issues

[georgie]

Hi All,
I'd really appreciate some feedback/advice re: one of my current Separation dilemas.

My X and I have agreed that he will have the children on Monday and Tuesdays overnight and on Saturdays from 9 to 5pm. This has been documented and signed off on by him with the CSA and Family Assistance office.

He has on a number of occasions emailed me to say e.g. I have to work in Sydney at the weekend (translate going to Sydney with girlfriend to run in the city to surf min marathon.. both seen clearly on the worldwideweb after the race!!).

Now that he realises that I am not just rolling over re: the Financial Settlement he has taken to passing me messages via the children e.g. Last week I was informed via the kids that he wasnt having them on Monday night because he was going to work early on Tuesday. I let that one pass..
This weekend is an extended weekend in Melbourne - it's a public holiday on Tuesday due to the Melbourne Cup horse race (yes good reason for a day off).. so now he's ringing the kids asking them would they rather stay with me instead of him.. no consultation with me whatsoever. (u can bet he has great plans for the free time)

I texted him and said "It is not acceptable or fair to discuss or arrange changes to childcare arrangements with or via the children and not with me. If u wish to change arrangements pls consult me first before accepting work or personal commitments."
He responded with "It is perfectly acceptable to ask the children what they wish to do. I will pick them up at 6"
I then txted back "clearly it is not acceptable to change agreed and documented arrangments that will impact me without consulting me".

That's it so far. I am in a bind here. I feel too guilty to say No I wont have the kids, but he is treating me like a doormat in my opinion. He really has so much animosity against me becuase I did not agree to his financial terms. You would think that I was the one that had the affair and walked as he sees himself as the 'victim' and I'm the evil woman getting in the way of his plans all the time.

It is so hard not to deteriorate in to anger and say well if we are allowing the kids to determine childcare arranagments does that mean I can drop them off at your place at short notice on a Saturday night if that is "what they wish to do".

As discussed on other threads he has a personality which can only be described as a narcisistic asperger cocktail! He is very good at manipulation and sales double talk and I often find myself conned, and needing some reflection time after our encounters to realise I've been had again.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to handle this. I struggle to stay unemotional about it, the more calculating and cold he is the more I tend to vere towards the other end of the spectrum. God in reading that I am so glad we're not together any more, but now I still have years of child rearing with him to contend with.. what to do what to do..

[jellybean28]

Oh Georgie

What an inconsiderate B@#$*%d he is. Not only is he being totally selfish towards you but your children aswell. Also what a coward using the children to convey the messages to you.

This is so unfair on you. You have a right to have a life and make plans for when you don't have the children and by saying he can't have them and asking them what they want to do before consulting you is making you look like the bad guy. Does he not realize that he is using your children as pawns to get back at you? Stick to your guns geogie and don't back down.

I can't really give you any advice, maybe you could get some legal advice on the matter.

Sorry I know I havn't offered you any advice, but am sending you hugs and support your way:).

Gillian

[georgie]

Thank you so much. You gave me what I needed which is reassurance that I'm not actually being unreasonable or unfair. Somehow I always feel guilty for not just letting all this stuff pass. That was a pattern in our relationship I would put up with one thing after another until finally I would reach boiling point and erupt.. not a healthy way to deal with life and respond. Now that I am trying to address each thing as it occurs I'm finding it so hard to steel myself to stand up to him. I am so afraid of being disaproved of I think, I'm not quite sure what it is. He puts me in the position of being the bad guy all the time, his mother is a master at that - she'd feed the kids lollies at breakfast time when they were babies and then I'd be the baddie that had to take them away, no matter how diplomatically I tried to do it she would disolve in to tears and make me feel like a monster, I'd try asking her not to do stuff like that and give her the reasons why but it would just be repeated complete with waterworks from her all the time. I cant actually have a conversation with him because he refuses to talk about anything other then bullying me in to accepting his financial proposal, any attempt by me to discuss the kids is steered back towards money by him immediately i.e.
I feel better as ususal for airing my grievances on here. This is such a complicated phase to work through and nothing on earth can prepare us for it really. I've worked through so much so far, but still a way to go. At least now I can see the breakdown components of what I've got to deal with, and tackle all the individual issues instead of being faced with this overwhelming insurmountable mass of problems.xx Thanks so much again Gillianx

[MSC71]

you are not being unreasonabler at all. He is the one causing the problems. Seems like he wants the kids on those days unless something better comes up and then he dumps them on you. I know you probably feel guilty because you don't want to say no to your kids either. He signed the papers and he should stick to it no matter what. I would talk to the CSA or Family Assistance office and ask them what you should do. I think it is best for the kids to have some type of structure and routine but he is making that really hard to do !

[Ageing Grace]

Georgie, you are SO not being unreasonable! What he's doing is selfish, overbearing and emotionally cruel to the children :mad:

From what you wrote, you're doing pretty well at the assertive responses! Okay, you might feel like an emotional wreck but, if you're coming over as rationally determined, that's a job done well :)

I agree you need official advice as soon as possible. Do call the CSA/FA, also there are quite a few websites offering support & advice to parents in this (unfortunately common) type of situation. In the UK we have charitable bodies, which help you find your way around officialdom; you probably have similar in Australia. They're not easy to find, but searching the Web - and asking the officials themselves - should yield names & numbers in the end.

Deferring to people with directly relevant experience, I wonder if it would be a good idea to write him a letter making the points you expressed above? Without the emotions, of course ... Not in the expectation of making a difference to him, but so that you can show it to the officials.

You're doing really well, Georgie! You're an intelligent, talented, capable woman and don't you forget it :D

AG

[RayCub]

Hey Georgie,

As you can well imagine, my prince of an ex pulls that crap with me all the time. A of today, he's seen the girls twice...once for 80 minutes,and the other for five minutes outside my car at a mall while he was handing over child-support payment...since September 28th. Nice, huh? He's called them eight times since then. The girls have stopped expecting him to contact them. He stopped at my new house last night to drop off more money (late and only after I called him about it) and didn't even ask to see the kids. He had an appointment to get to, but still...The girls are supposed to go with him this weekend, but I'm not holding my breath.

When he DOES see them, Iend up accommodating him by dropping them off to him or picking them up so he won't have to drive the extra distance to my house. See, he doesn't work on Fridays...he drives two hours on Thursday night after work to her house (and child). Then, on Fridays, he's supposed to drive back the two hours to get the gisl after school, but what ends up happening is that I drive them half way to meet him while I am on my way out of town. It gives me extra time with the kids, but I still feel like I'm always trying to make things easier on him. Yet, he feels no guilt about cancelling visits, delaying phone calls, holding our on child support for a few days...everything is always at HIS convenience, and I'm tired of it. Last night I finally said no when he tried to delay paying the child support and demanded he drop it off.

I'll be so relieved when all the legalities are finalized.

So, no, you aren't being unreasonable. Stick to your guns and force him to be what he signed up to be so long ago: a responsible father.

My fingers are crossed for you!

Love ya!
Raycub

[georgie]

Hi RC - Thanks a million.
I realise now that this is not just about how he is behaving, its about how I choose to respond to his behaviour. If he is not man enough to be a good father then that is his fault and I have no control over that. I can control how I allow him to treat me though. Epiphany - yeahh! I will be a great mother and surround my children with people that love and appreciate them.
I dont want to see my children let down by him, but letting them see him treat me like a doormat and continue to get away with it would really be letting them down.
This is the life lesson for all of us RC - we already know it but we have not fully corrected it yet. People treat us they way we let them treat us.
Can you get a Government Department take over the collection of your child support? Here what u can do (which I've now done) is you contact the CSA and tell them u want them to collect it for you, they contact him find out his last years tax return and base the child support % on that, (I had to have it amended because last year I was paid a big redundancy package which distorted my income and which was paid off our mortgage which he is now claiming half of!! ) or you can agree more (if your H is not a money obsessed narcisist). Then he has to pay them the money by a certain date, if he fails to do that they can go directly to his employer and take it from them. You should not have to chase him for this,it's a legal obligation, you are not a bailif - your the mother of his children for Gods sake. What goes on in their heads!! My X is now appealing the amount of child care he has to pay (the legal minimum!!), he told me the CSA told him to do it, I corrected him that they in fact told him he 'COULD' appeal it - it was his choice not theirs.
He is still trying to bully and boss me about my finances, sale of the house, sale of the car.. it's almost laughable. At one point he said to me "I don't lie to you...errr...emm any more" that really made me laugh, then later on he announced "I'm moving on and and I want u to know that".. gee, I wondered what to read in to the fact that we were communicating largely through solicitors and I dont even know where he really lives anymore -nor do I care! what a dork!
So lets get some 'Girl Power' or 'Boy Power' for men in this type of situation..
Lets not be 'good ol Georgie' or 'good ol RC' they'll pay the bills if the X's cant be bothered.. lets stand up and make em know we're not gonna take it anymore!!xxxxxxxxxx

[jellybean28]

You go Georgie girl :)

What is it with these partners and the fight for maintence. I'm going through that with my H at the moment, not for child maintence ours have all left home, but spousal maintence (I hate that word spouse). It was drawn up in my settlement, trouble is I have to go through my lawyer, wait for him to contact my H, in the meantime I can't claim benifts, till the settlment is sorted, and have lawyers fees on top of it. Just because I can't work due to a work accident and an over protective GP who wont give me a health clearance. Must admit the GP is working at making life difficult for H for what he's put me through in the past, so in a way he's being supportive so I'm grateful for that. Not like the H can't afford it on his wage. AggggHHHHHH

As for your H not being a good father Georgie that's his loss and one day he will regret it. My kids only see there dad if they want something. Yet with me I get photos of my grandchild in the mail, cards and little gifts and txt messages just because. My kids make the effort to see me because they want to. Yep your H's loss

Funny my H has done me a favour leaving me took me a while to work it out, but I have some great people in my life right now who wouldn't be there if we were still together.

You're doing great Georgie :p

[huting]

If this arrangement has been agreed legally for him to have the children then he his breaking the contract and so probably owes u money for csa as they calculate how many days he has them and work it out from there. You should definatley seek legal advice or at least csa to see what they say on the matter. He seems like an inconsiderate dick, ur much better off wivout him, good luck!