Moving On

[georgie]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1223774/Moving-Average-divorcee-takes-18-months-split.html

This article may be of interest to some

[Raymond]

Ties up with what we are seeing on here. If 17 months is the average time to get over a divorce some will be less and others more, probably over two years.

Raymond

[georgie]

Yes, I think it depends on how quickly one accepts what has happened and how many tools you use to repair the damage ie an honest assessment of the relationship as it actually was, and your partner as the person they have become or maybe always were, counselling, opening up to friends, getting up and showing up etc. I dont think it should be viewed as 2 years of unhappiness it can be 2 years of redeveloping, re-assessing, rediscovering etc. until u finally get to a point where u are happy with who u are. It's been 9 months for me and I already feel a lot better - but that I am on a journey of discovery.

[jellybean28]

Thanks georgie for sharing that article:)

It look me 2yrs to get over the loss of my marriage, the change ended up happening almost overnight well over a month anyway.

Funny my mum and I were talking last night and she said while she misses my dad 5yrs after she died it must be harder to lose a marriage and see the other partner move on so quickly with somone else as mine did.
Looking back now the last two years I have grown as a person, discovered the old me. Lost my husband to someone else lost his family who I was very close to, but on the positive I have found me again and am beginining to understand my mother and see her in a different light (we never got on).

I needed the two years to grieve, find myself regain, my self esteem and start a new journey and if I am truley honest I am grateful that my husband pulled the plug on my marriage, because if we had still been together I would have become an empty shell of a person.:confused:

I think grieving is necessary to heal and we all need to grieve in our own time, the only time it's unhealthy is when we get so stuck in grief we can't move on, this almost happened in my case, but I made a choice move on or go and meet my maker. I decided that moving on and finding happiness was a good choice because I had nothing to loose.

Long rant sorry but I would be really interested to hear others here tell how they managed to move on. Also the support I have had on this site by all the amazing people who come here has been incredible, so hopefully my story may help someone.

Bless you all :):):)

[yogamad]

Really pleased that life is getting better for you Georgie, you deserve it.:)

[JWD]

Georgie, Ray is right! you really have a gift for putting in words and text exactly what everyone else must be feeling and thinking but unable to say it so easily. I don't think I realised this is exactly how i feel about the whole situation until I just read your words. You truly are an inspiration. xxxxxxxxx

Jelly bean.. again, exactly how I feel. I know exactly what I have lost, I loved him dearly but on the positive side, I have never, ever felt so close to my mother, brother and cousins. Although I loved him, I know I too would have become an empty shell of a person because I totally worshipped him. I thought he was amazing, smart, hilarious, confident, everything I ever wanted to be. I loved or maybe obsessed over just how perfect he was and that probably isn't healthy because everything became about how to keep him happy and live up to 'deserving' this magnificent man who actually turned out to be someone I despise and that is a liar. He didn't have courage like I thought he did, he didn't end up being this moralistic man whom knew right form wrong. I find it so difficult to judge him though because I know that what he did to me is actually understandable. Does that make sense? It's like I've basically worshipped him and when I really think about it, all he has actually done is either fall out of love with me or fall deeply in love with someone else and can I really expect such emotion and conflict of morals really end up in a civilised divorce where no one get hurt?

I try to put myself in his shoes and I can honestly see how horrible it must have been for him, maybe he felt he just made a massive mistake but he had been married before and didn't want to admit to a second mistake? maybe I was the 'get over the ex girl? maybe I made him forget his ex so much that he felt he owed me and should love me? maybe he just got pissed off being married and realised that there was so much more fun out there? I'll never know and I'm not sure I want to know.

I'm actually glad there was another woman involved because I think if he had done the decent thing and admitted that he no longer loved me that I would have been tortured more than I thought was possible but, because someone else was involved and I could then blame not being pretty enough, young enough or good enough to compete thatI have somehow, managed to disassociate myself with it, I'm not sure if it's pride or just giving up but I just know and always did know that I could never be a woman who tries to compete with someone else. I just don't feel I should need to because I know I'm worth so much more and I'm not saying that he has to realise this and that I'm so great that he should do, I just mean that I can't get myself in the mind frame that I wasn't good enough and will always have to prove my worth in order to keep him.


I also dearly miss my mother-in-law, I loved her so much and I know she was so fond of me but she cut me dead. I find this very hard because she still keeps in touch with his 1st ex who left him for another man????? honestly? is it guilt or possibly embarrassment? I fear that it's because I just wasn't worth mentioning, I honestly do. That is exactly how O feel or possibly fear that I was to them all. A second marriage which was his 'crisis point' or some joke to be told in the pub, oh XXXXX remember her he jumped into a second marriage again with... what was her name again? It actually haunts me. I really don't think I meant anything to him and that is what totally disgusts me that I was so easily disposed of.

In saying all of the above, I promise that I'm glad now that it happened because I have found so much more to be happy about and I know there is so much more to look forward to. I almost feel like I have finally grown up and realised how powerful and capable I actually am. This sound pathetic but I honestly feel lie I view the whole world differently and better now. How ridiculous when you think of the awful things that happen to people all over the world but this is all it took for me to become a better person and I really am a better person for this happening. I appreciate and am grateful for everything now that happens.

I'm very tipsy on wine so please excuse the spelling, grammar and pure drivel :-)

[j92cool]

I think the time frame on recovery and moving on from a divorce is affected by how long the settlement takes and if you still see your ex much.
I feel that I accepted that my marraige was over fairly quickly although I did't really have much choice if you have read my thread. :). I am still trying to sort out the financial mess. One day when that has been sorted I will feel truly liberated. I am selling cars now and I don't feel very comfortable with it. If nothing else I have been pushed out of my comfort zone and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. (or so they say).

Everyones situation is different so everyones recovery is different.

I am so pleased to see that many that were posting the same time as me have made huge steps to a new happiness. The support we have both received and offered from this site has been mutually beneifical.

Thank you

[georgie]

No matter how grown up we all are about it, we can't just rationalise the hurt away - it has to heal slowly. I totally understand where ur coming from JWD when u try to work out what was going on from his perspective, and how all the other significant people viewed the situation while we apparantly had our heads in the clouds or elsewhere..I have those thoughts too. It doesn't really matter or make a difference for most intents and purposes. I think it makes us wary about how and who to trust in the future. I think these thoughts are like a psychologicial spider weaving away at repairing the hole in the web that is our egos/hearts.
Planning a future for yourself is an important step to take. I am still in limbo to an extent, trying to sort out a settlement and still do not handle face to face contact with my ex well. I realise how much in control of our relationship he was now because I find it so draining to stand up to him. He wasnt overtly aggressive at all, but quiety controlling and I was quietly compliant.. now that I am not complying I do see traces of aggression combined with disbelief in him. So I see that he always saw me as a pushover. His parents saw me as a hotelier, meal ticket, tour guide etc. and his mum also saw me as a pushover. I dont think the conciously thought this, but that was the pattern of behaviour we fell in to. Even now I test myself - I have chatted to people online and find that I have to fight against my own nature which is to be compliant in order to stick by my own principles.. which Iam getting better at. My assertiveness course helped a little. I think I've learned that I need to change the patterns learnt in my childhood to move on, the tactics employed to survive my mother do not serve me wel as an adult.
I dont want to hate my X, I have to maintain my anger to keep myself strong through settlement, then Ihave to lay some firmer rules about his child care as he opts out whenever he feels like it now assuming that I am on standby to pick up his slack forever. Once thats resolved I can just see him as a person that no longer wanted to be with me, and that handed the exit very poorly.. but he was taught that lieing and cheating were normal and totally justifiable by his own mother so he is a product of his upbringing as well.
Sorry this was meant to be a quick oneliner! Hope it makes sense.. we all get better as soon as we're ready toxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[j92cool]

We are all getting better and that is all that matters how long it takes to fully recovery is up to the individual. I suppose the important thing is to keep moving forward at our own pace.

[jellybean28]

I agree j92cool.

For me it took 2 years then almost as if by magic I somehow changed my mindset, started looking deep inside of myself and found peace.

Just before I changed my thinking I heard someone tell a story of how one of his friends asked him how he could manage to stay so positive all the time.He replied that he had tried depression and didn't like it, so he no longer does it so he chooses to be positive. For some reason this struck a cord in me. Just before I heard that I found this site. Like they say when the student is ready the teacher/s appear.

I think the hardest thing about moving on is finding the right help and support. That's why sites such as this are a God send and I wish councellors would recomend them as the stories shared here and the support given help us to realize we are not the only ones going through the pain of relationship problems.