paul
12th May 2002, 09:16 PM
Hi! Can somebody please help me as I'm desperate for some guidance?
I am 40 and have been living with my wife Helen (aged 42) since 1997 and we got married in Nov last year.
This is our 2nd marriage for both of us and I have 2 children aged 10 and 8 from my first which finished in 1996 after 10 years (Helen's finished after 15 years) when we left our ex's to be together. Helen has no children. I visit my children every week and go to collect my children from their mother's every other weekend to come to our house without fail (190 mile round trip).
Helen & I met where we work (we're both full time managerial) but we do not see each other during the day.
Helen's interests and mine are almost completely different and I cannot for the life of me see why I was attracted to her in the first place (there was no physical attraction and we did not make love until we had been together for more than 6 months - restraint!!!).
Our conversation more or less revolves around work as this is a) what she likes to talk about most and b) it's nearly all we have in common, and I am getting sick to death of it.
Helen's interests are as follows:
1. Reading
2. Watching TV
3. Eating out
My interests, in order, are:
=1. Computer
=1. Running
=1. Listening to 70's music
4. Eating out
The Problems:
1. Helen is forever moaning that I don't spend enough time with her, but when I do, I end up listening to her moaning about work. As an employee of the same company I know that it isn't that bad but she can't see that, and won't do anything to help herself such as change job. There is no space in Helen's mind for any problems I might have. The conversation just ends up being turned around to her problems again.
2. Helen is the moodiest, most miserable, self-pitying female I have ever met in my life, and I'm afraid 1 day I'll end up telling her this. At this point I must tell you that she suffers from Crohn's Disease (a chronic bowel inflamatory illness which tends to flare up when she's highly stressed - moving house/wedding etc) so I really don't know if it's the disease which causes the moods or not, but then I see people with physical disorders who seem happy (yes, smiling, laughing, something Helen hasn't done for MONTHS). She has not suffered a flare-up of this for over 18 months and is not at the moment.
3. Helen and I cannot share a joke - we do laugh at the TV sometimes though, but never with each other - if I do, Helen says I'm making a fool of her which anyone else would see as utter rubbish. I am the one who looks for 'reasons to be cheerful', Helen looks for reasons to be moody and unhappy.
4. Helen is very selfish sexually. She literally lies back and lets me do foreplay on her and everything else a caring partner would want to do, which I enjoy, and it leads on from there - but Helen does nothing for me, the only the pleasure I get is from what I do to Helen - Helen gives me nothing at all, no caressing etc, nothing. It would just be nice once in a while to have some attention given to me, that's all.
The whole thing came to breaking point during the week when she had another of her moods (frequently ending in a tantrum and spending the next day or so in silence, usually ending in my apologising for something I don't even know what I've done, just to break the deadlock). She said she almost left me because of the time I spend 'on that bloody computer'. I spend about 1.5 hrs after work on it and maybe another hour just before we go to bed. The first session is spent on it because Helen's watching soaps which I can't stand, but she (falsely) says she only watches soaps because I'm on the PC. I tested her theory the other night and I was right, the TV was still on and I didn't want to sit with her in front of it getting bored stiff.
Helen refuses to take any interest in any of my hobbies. I don't resent this as such, but do find it difficult to relate any good things that happen (runs etc) as she really is only interested in her own (imaginery) unhappy plight.
Helen also does not like being sociable e.g. she went APE**** because I THOUGHT of inviting (not invited) a lonely neighbour round for some company because she was trying to get him evicted from his own house. Also, I can't just go round to my neighbours to say hello or have them round until it's convenient with Helen. For some reason she needs a few days' notice for this - they only want to pop round to see me, they're not expecting a 3 course meal for G-d's sake!
This woman of mine (I am in denial that I am actually married to her) is bringing me down. Please give some guidance before I do something stupid!
BTW, I went with Helen to Relate about 5 years ago and hated every minute of the patronising counseller's session so please please don't suggest this again.
I am 40 and have been living with my wife Helen (aged 42) since 1997 and we got married in Nov last year.
This is our 2nd marriage for both of us and I have 2 children aged 10 and 8 from my first which finished in 1996 after 10 years (Helen's finished after 15 years) when we left our ex's to be together. Helen has no children. I visit my children every week and go to collect my children from their mother's every other weekend to come to our house without fail (190 mile round trip).
Helen & I met where we work (we're both full time managerial) but we do not see each other during the day.
Helen's interests and mine are almost completely different and I cannot for the life of me see why I was attracted to her in the first place (there was no physical attraction and we did not make love until we had been together for more than 6 months - restraint!!!).
Our conversation more or less revolves around work as this is a) what she likes to talk about most and b) it's nearly all we have in common, and I am getting sick to death of it.
Helen's interests are as follows:
1. Reading
2. Watching TV
3. Eating out
My interests, in order, are:
=1. Computer
=1. Running
=1. Listening to 70's music
4. Eating out
The Problems:
1. Helen is forever moaning that I don't spend enough time with her, but when I do, I end up listening to her moaning about work. As an employee of the same company I know that it isn't that bad but she can't see that, and won't do anything to help herself such as change job. There is no space in Helen's mind for any problems I might have. The conversation just ends up being turned around to her problems again.
2. Helen is the moodiest, most miserable, self-pitying female I have ever met in my life, and I'm afraid 1 day I'll end up telling her this. At this point I must tell you that she suffers from Crohn's Disease (a chronic bowel inflamatory illness which tends to flare up when she's highly stressed - moving house/wedding etc) so I really don't know if it's the disease which causes the moods or not, but then I see people with physical disorders who seem happy (yes, smiling, laughing, something Helen hasn't done for MONTHS). She has not suffered a flare-up of this for over 18 months and is not at the moment.
3. Helen and I cannot share a joke - we do laugh at the TV sometimes though, but never with each other - if I do, Helen says I'm making a fool of her which anyone else would see as utter rubbish. I am the one who looks for 'reasons to be cheerful', Helen looks for reasons to be moody and unhappy.
4. Helen is very selfish sexually. She literally lies back and lets me do foreplay on her and everything else a caring partner would want to do, which I enjoy, and it leads on from there - but Helen does nothing for me, the only the pleasure I get is from what I do to Helen - Helen gives me nothing at all, no caressing etc, nothing. It would just be nice once in a while to have some attention given to me, that's all.
The whole thing came to breaking point during the week when she had another of her moods (frequently ending in a tantrum and spending the next day or so in silence, usually ending in my apologising for something I don't even know what I've done, just to break the deadlock). She said she almost left me because of the time I spend 'on that bloody computer'. I spend about 1.5 hrs after work on it and maybe another hour just before we go to bed. The first session is spent on it because Helen's watching soaps which I can't stand, but she (falsely) says she only watches soaps because I'm on the PC. I tested her theory the other night and I was right, the TV was still on and I didn't want to sit with her in front of it getting bored stiff.
Helen refuses to take any interest in any of my hobbies. I don't resent this as such, but do find it difficult to relate any good things that happen (runs etc) as she really is only interested in her own (imaginery) unhappy plight.
Helen also does not like being sociable e.g. she went APE**** because I THOUGHT of inviting (not invited) a lonely neighbour round for some company because she was trying to get him evicted from his own house. Also, I can't just go round to my neighbours to say hello or have them round until it's convenient with Helen. For some reason she needs a few days' notice for this - they only want to pop round to see me, they're not expecting a 3 course meal for G-d's sake!
This woman of mine (I am in denial that I am actually married to her) is bringing me down. Please give some guidance before I do something stupid!
BTW, I went with Helen to Relate about 5 years ago and hated every minute of the patronising counseller's session so please please don't suggest this again.