mmh
22nd October 2009, 02:21 AM
I don't know if there is already a forum discussion on this topic, as I am new to this site. So, if there is, I apologize for starting a new one. I am 35 years old and have been married for 8 years to a man who was married before and has two children. In the years we've been married, I can think of 3 times he initiated sex. I am a very affectionate, "touchy-feely" type of person and he is not. I get no affection- we don't even kiss unless we're going to have sex because he does not "see the point". We have fought about his lack of affection and initiation throughout our marriage, but recently, it seems to be getting worse. I never thought I would cheat, but began an affair with a co-worker a few months ago. That's over, but I have to admit that I enjoyed the attention and feeling like I was attractive and desirable. My husband never compliments me and does not act like he's still attracted to me. I almost left him a few weeks ago, but he asked me to stay, so I did. Last Sunday marked the two-week point of us not having sex. I initiated it last night because I was tired of waiting on him. I don't want to want other men, but it's becoming extremely tempting.
My husband and I have a good sex life- when we have sex. However, he's not one to let me know what he likes and seems uncomfortable opening up in the bedroom. At times, he makes me feel as if being with me physically is a chore. His ex-wife was verbally abusive and put him down in front of others. I feel that his first marriage and things he went through as a child explain why he is as he is. But, he won't deal with anything. He refuses to go to a doctor to see if he has a hormone imbalance and will not attend therapy with me. He says that he does not want other people knowing our business.
I am a counselor/therapist, so I have tried to figure out what has happened since we married. For years (even during th 3.5 years we were dating), so much of our focus was on his children and the problems caused by his ex-wife (she no longer wanted to be his ex-wife). Since the girls have gotten older (young adults), the situation with his ex-wife has gotten somewhat better. I feel that she was the focus for so long, and now he and I have to concentrate on what has been missing all along. We have absolutely nothing in common anymore and spend little time together. He tells me that he loves me and wants us to stay married, but last night when I suggested we start having a "date night", he said, "we're together every night". WHAT? I usually watch something on TV that he doesn't want to watch, so he gets on the computer. I sleep in the bed and he sleeps on the couch because I snore. (Yet, when we go out of town, he can sleep in the bed with me.)
I know that he loves me. Yet, I don't think that he's capable of loving me as much as I am able to love him. He has never made me a priority, and now that the girls aren't dependent on him as much anymore, I feel that I should be. I don't like to nag, and I'm tired of discussing these issues with him. He "deals" with things by not dealing with anything. If he doesn't think about it or talk about it, he thinks it will just go away. He also says that people who have been together as long as we have, no longer have that "passion". But, I know couples who have been married alot longer than we have, who are very affectionate and loving towards each other, and who have a regular sex life. I don't want to think about spending the next 40 years of my life like this. I love him very much, but I'm starting to resent him and get frustrated with everything he does (or doesn't do).
Please, somebody help me. I know that there are things I need to do for myself (work on my self esteem, get back in Church, etc.) But, I don't know what else I can do to make him understand just how unhappy I am and how much I need these things in my life.
Thanks y'all, and I'm sorry this is so long.
My husband and I have a good sex life- when we have sex. However, he's not one to let me know what he likes and seems uncomfortable opening up in the bedroom. At times, he makes me feel as if being with me physically is a chore. His ex-wife was verbally abusive and put him down in front of others. I feel that his first marriage and things he went through as a child explain why he is as he is. But, he won't deal with anything. He refuses to go to a doctor to see if he has a hormone imbalance and will not attend therapy with me. He says that he does not want other people knowing our business.
I am a counselor/therapist, so I have tried to figure out what has happened since we married. For years (even during th 3.5 years we were dating), so much of our focus was on his children and the problems caused by his ex-wife (she no longer wanted to be his ex-wife). Since the girls have gotten older (young adults), the situation with his ex-wife has gotten somewhat better. I feel that she was the focus for so long, and now he and I have to concentrate on what has been missing all along. We have absolutely nothing in common anymore and spend little time together. He tells me that he loves me and wants us to stay married, but last night when I suggested we start having a "date night", he said, "we're together every night". WHAT? I usually watch something on TV that he doesn't want to watch, so he gets on the computer. I sleep in the bed and he sleeps on the couch because I snore. (Yet, when we go out of town, he can sleep in the bed with me.)
I know that he loves me. Yet, I don't think that he's capable of loving me as much as I am able to love him. He has never made me a priority, and now that the girls aren't dependent on him as much anymore, I feel that I should be. I don't like to nag, and I'm tired of discussing these issues with him. He "deals" with things by not dealing with anything. If he doesn't think about it or talk about it, he thinks it will just go away. He also says that people who have been together as long as we have, no longer have that "passion". But, I know couples who have been married alot longer than we have, who are very affectionate and loving towards each other, and who have a regular sex life. I don't want to think about spending the next 40 years of my life like this. I love him very much, but I'm starting to resent him and get frustrated with everything he does (or doesn't do).
Please, somebody help me. I know that there are things I need to do for myself (work on my self esteem, get back in Church, etc.) But, I don't know what else I can do to make him understand just how unhappy I am and how much I need these things in my life.
Thanks y'all, and I'm sorry this is so long.