Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

[Wedgewood]

As the title says, I have been seperated from my wife for approximately 5 months, but I would dearly love to reunite my family.

The reason we parted was largely down to my wife contacting he real father who was out of the picture for 25 years or so (since shw was 5years old).

Since he has been on the scene her priorities have changed from the kids (we have 3), to her and her father. It seems like she is trying to re-live her childhood and nothing else matters.

I am not saying I am 100% innocent in all of this, but the breakup came as massive shock to myself, close friends and family. She did not confide in anyone as far as I know, and her mind seems to be made up. Over the last 5 months I have seen no signs of her wanting reconcilliation.

I am sure that there is nobody else involved, but it looks like I am loosing the battle to win her back. I have recently started enjoying life again and socialising, but deep down I still yearn for her.

I would be greatful for any advice you could give me on winning her back. Thanks for reading.

[Wedgewood]

Sorry to be a pain, but I am going out of my mind.

I should have mentioned that I am currently reading 'Stop your Divorce' and have now started using some of the techniques described to calm my wifes negative feelings towards me (largely done by agreeing whole heartedly and iinstantly to any of her suggestions). Its a different approach to me trying to persuade her to change her mind and tell her how much I love her etc (all the usual stuff)

Oh, the reason she gave me for spitting up was 'she didnt want it anymore'. I hope that helps.

If you need any further information then just let me know.

[Raymond]

From what you have written Wedgewood it is hard to see a reason for the breakup. Whilst the re-emergence of her father might initially take up some of her time I cannot see it is a reason for the breakup. Are you sure there is nobody else involved?

She doesn't want it anymore doesn't seem to be much of a reason to me. If she is holding it this lightly is it worth trying to keep a relationship with her? Marriage is a commitment after all and that is the only way it works.

The only other reason I can see is personal problems she might have which might affect married life so that she couldn't cope. She may have had an unsettled childhood, reading between the lines.

While it is good to confirm your love to her I would hold back from presenting yourself as a needy and dependent person on her. Maybe you are trying too hard. The best attraction would be to genuine make a good life for yourself in spite of what has happened. that would ***** her ears up I feel, if it was genuine. Okay that was censored automatically but you know what I mean.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

There is someone else involved.... her dad.... I'm in no way siding with your wife here , but having her dad back in her life after 25 years must have been a big deal for her . Perhaps she feels you resented her having a " new man " in her life ?

It must have rocked her world , and when that happens we kind of take stock and the life we've been leading sometimes seems to be lacking ...

Did you welcome her dad into your family ? Deep down did you feel resentful that he'd come back and claimed a part of his daughter that maybe you weren't used to having to share with another man in her life ?

I'm playing devil's advocate here so I apologise, just trying to see if maybe there are reasons for her walking out that can be fixed ...

Did she perhaps need some " alone time " with a dad she never really knew and felt torn because that meant taking some time away from you and the girls and so decided the only way was to leave ? Did you reassure and support her in having the time to get to know her dad again ?

If she is feeling like that then it may only be temporary and if she loves you then maybe there's hope for the future .

How do you feel about agreeing to her requests without question and putting your own feelings aside ? That's a hard thing to do without showing any residual resentment and only works if you really mean it.

Finally... what exactly is it she " doesn't want anymore " ? The marriage ? Or the marriage as it used to be ?

Helen

[Wedgewood]

First of all, thanks for responding.

I am as sure as I can be that there is nobody else involved.

She did have a bit of a troubled time, but he mother re-married when she was young so she did have a father figure for most of her life.

With regards to her dad, my advice to her was to 'take it easy' and try and stop her getting hurt, but I never once said it was a bad idea. It is possible that she may have saw that as not being 100% behind her, but my motives were to protect her and make sure she didnt get hurt.

It is hard to keep agreeing to her requests, including a divorce when its obviously not what I want.

Hope this helps.

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood

Like Helen I to wonder what your reaction was when her dad came back into her life after so long.

You are both in a difficult postion would she and you for that matter agree to some councelling together or maybe just the both of you sit down together and talk about your feelings.

Do you resent her father coming into her life after all these years?
Does she feel torn between you and her dad?
Do you and her dad get on?
Maybe you and her dad could have a chat
You mention that she has shifted her priorities from your kids to her dad, could her dad be sick or need her help?

Maybe you need to ask her some questions, just be honest, but don't be needy.

Take care wedgewood

[Wedgewood]

My reaction in the beginning was fine.

I was (and still am) glad they get along like a house on fire.

I bare no grudges towards her dad, my wife is a very independent person and any decision she has made will have been her own doing (if it is rational or not).

I have only met her Dad twice and both times we got along fine. There was one time however when I argued with my wife about removing my kids from school and taking them down the beach with her dad without me knowing (she text me about lunch time from the beach and I reacted badly to her going behind my back).

My wife is very introverted and she will not discuss her emotions openly, which is one of the reasons why we are in this mess. She would resist any attempt for me to meet up with her or discuss anything serious over the phone.

[Raymond]

It is quite normal for a parent to react as you have done regarding the beach Wedgewood. That certainly should not be grounds for seperating.

I feel she is a bit damaged from her childhood. Losing a father at five can affect you even though you cannot make logic out of it. It would have made it's mark on that child and she may still carrry the wound sub consciously without realising it. Something may have closed to make her the way she is. Perhaps that is why the father re-appearing is such a big deal. Maybe she feels deep down that she has something to be healed of through him. I can't see it happening that way after all these years. I would let it take its course. It might turn out in time that this phase will play itself out and she will come to her senses.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

I hope you are right Raymond,

It is my wifes birthday in a couple of weeks and I am debating buying her a present or not, Not long after we split it was my birthday and she got me a small gift from the kids. Given the current situation (we dont exactly speak except about kids/mediation/divorce) I was wondering the best way to handle it?

Do I

1) Follow suit and just get her a small gift from the kids (maybe something thoughtful so she realises I put some effort in?, but dont contact her.

2) Same as above but get her a card from me/text her happy birthday

3) Get her a gift and a card?


Any advice here would be welcome, I really have no idea how to handle it.

[Raymond]

Only you know that Wedgewood. I don't know if the kids are with you or her.

Surely it can't do any harm to remember her birthday. I would go ahead, so long as you don't make it a pressure to her. Just a no strings attached gift and card or whatever would be a good thing I think.

Are the children with you or her?

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

The kids stay with her, but I have them for a few hours after school on a Tuesday, and overnight on a Saturday till Sunday evening (18:00-18:00). She works weekend nights so it helps her also.

[Helen_uk]

Been giving this some thought.

How long before you and your wife separated did her dad come onto the scene ?

As to the beach incident, I'm with you on that. I'd have been very angry if my kids had been taken out of school without my knowledge or agreement beforehand. They are your children too...Suppose something had happened ( an accident of some kind ) and you hadn't even known they weren't in school ? Any good parent would have reacted the way you did, so I don't think you reacted badly on that one.

As to your wife's birthday... hmm .. I think I'd be inclined to by a token gift and a card , nothing too flowery and certainly nothing romantic . It shows you still care but without putting any pressure on. My ex husband and I still bought small birthday/ xmas gifts for each other after we split right up until we both had other people in our lives.. We still send xmas cards but to each other as couples.

You say you met your wife's dad twice and got on ok , did she encourage you to spend time with him ? Did it feel as though she wanted you to be a family ( with him) or more that she would rather have alone time and you weren't really included in that ?

I think her dad is very much being treated like a " new man " in her life,not in a romantic sense of course... but it's similar to having an affair in a way , it's still a 3rd person entering into a relationship , only instead of it being someone new it's more like meeting a very old friend that you have unfinished business with...It must have upset the balance a little ( or maybe a lot ? )

Perhaps she has unresolved hurts from her childhood and couldn't deal with them and still be the woman you knew her as and so felt she had to get away to explore this new woman...

I'm just surmising here Wedgewood, you know her best, I don't know her at all. I'm just trying to see how a scenario like this would work, to then see if there is anything you can do to restore your family.

She has a habit of repressing emotions, you have already said that so maybe she's struggling with emotions from the past , in which case you can only bide your time and see how it pans out.

Helen

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood

A couple more questions for you hope that's ok
How old is your wife and what ages are your children?
Do you know why your wifes parents split up? Is she an only child?

Reason for last two questions is.... could it be possible she feels responsible for her parents separating?
Even after so many years there may be some guilt there and this could be why she's spending so much time with her dad.

It is very difficult living with someone who wont talk about things my ExH was like that, he went to councelling twice the first time on his own the second time we both went, even the councellor couldn't get anything out of him he suspected an underlying reason which after reaching made sense of things for me. :confused:

As for your wifes birthday I would take your children shopping if thats possible and let them choose a gift for her. I would sign the card from all of you that way it would show that you still care for her without pressure.

[Wedgewood]

To Helen,

It was about 3 months after they had met that we split up. I think that looking back she never wanted me to get involved with him, saying things she felt 'awkward' when we met etc.
The only way it upset the balance is because she changed as a person, like i said before her priorities changed from the kids to him.


To Jellybean,

My wife is 32 and my kids are 11,10 and 8.
She is not an only child, she has an elder brother (35) and a younger half brother (22ish).


I hope this helps. Thanks again for your comments,

[Helen_uk]

Yes Wedgewood, that's what I mean about upsetting the balance . She obviously has changed a good deal. She's gone from being mother to being child.....

Your original post asked for advice on winning her back . To be frank I think you're doing all you can . 5 months isn't that long really and she has a lot going on so I'd be inclined to keep the lines of communication open and let her deal with things. I don't think I'd be so inclined to agree to her every request though , if it isn't something you agree with then you have to calmly let your feelings be known.

I'm assuming her dad is just a normal guy ( i.e nothing to warrant you being worried about him being round your children ) and your wife obviously feels she needs to explore this new relationship on her own ( not saying I agree that's the right way to do it ).

What more can you do than play a bit of a waiting game and hope once she has gotten to know her dad better she returns to her " normal " self ?

As long as the children are safe and being cared for properly , which I'm sure is a number one concern, then I can't see what more you can do.

Helen

[jellybean28]

I still feel there may be some guilt issues with her father, and for some reason she wants to deal with this herself and as you have said she is very independant.
Does her older brother have a realationship with her father (I'm assuming he's his dad).
Like Helen said what more can you do than play a waiting game and make sure your children are safe and being well cared for.
Given your childrens ages Wedgewood how are they dealing with things?
It may be worth your while in speaking to a councellor as they may be able to give you some reason as to why she is doing this. They could also give you some suggestions as to how to deal with things differently.
Sorry if I sound bossy or critical, just trying to help.

[Wedgewood]

Her brother is not interested in speaking to his dad (last i knew anyway).

The children are coping as well as could be expected, although my middle one is feeling it, He has become very clingy to me and he never used to be that way,

I have an appointment next week with a councilor, which I hope will help me deal with things better. Its hard going from a working marriage and a full house to living alone.

Please dont feel like you will offend me, I came here looking for peoples opinions and thats what I want. Dont tell me what i want to here, but what you really think!

[Wedgewood]

I have decided not to give anything directly to my wife for her birthday.

Hopefully she will realise that I put some effort into her gifts from the kids, even though they are inexpensive.

I dont want to put any pressure on her birthday, and at the moment I am trying to back off and give her space.

I wrote her a letter about a fortnight ago and said I accepted full responsibility for the breakup (which i do). I dont want her thinking it is some sort of stunt to get back into her good books, and dont want to give her the impression I am trying to win her back (i know that is my aim, but it is too soon to start).

I'm confused as you can probably see!

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood
I underdstand how you feel about going from a working marriage to living alone. My chidren had all left home when my ExH and I separated but I still saw alot of them. I moved about 3hrs away and don't see much of my kids, we speak on the phone alot so it's not to bad.

It is really difficult when one partner in a marriage shuts the other one out, my Ex did this to me and the more I questioned him the more he shut me out it became so bad I stopped going out with him, as the only places we went to were is work functions all the other wives knew what was going on within the office except me, even when he got promoted I would find out from them. In my case I think he has a mild form of aspergers and looking back he had cheated throughout the 27yr marriage. I suspected but could prove anything, he was very clever at hiding things. His mobile never left his hand, he even kept it by him in bed!!!:confused:

Sorry gone off track. After you saying her brother isn't intrested in having a relationship with his dad, maybe your wife feels it's her duty as his daughter to look after him for some reason.
Do you know why the marriage didn't work
Did her dad have a rough time of it after the marriage ended
Is it possible he's ill and that's why your wife is putting him first

It is hard on young children when there is separation, just keep telling them you both love them and reassure them that they have done nothing wrong make sure you take care of yourself (not always easy) for them.

When a partner doesn't want to talk it is really hard to know how to sort things out without making them feel under pressure, for now I would let her know your'e there for her and wait and see what the councilor says

Take care Gillian

[Wedgewood]

Her dad had an affair with the woman he is now married to. I know he regretted it, but dont think he had a particularly rough time.

He did have a heart attack a few years back apparently, so maybe he doesnt have long left (no idea to be honest though).

Dont worry about going off topic, if it makes you feel better to let off some steam then do so :)

[Wedgewood]

Went out last night to get back into the habit of socialising and had a great time. Got a little too drunk, but at least I forgot about my problems for a few hours. Woke up this morning feeling a bit delicate and sorry for myself.

Can't stop thinking about her this morning, need something to take my mind off her :(

Ordered her birthday presents, but I am worried they wont arrive in time due to postal strike. I really got to dtop worrying about everything.

I should also mention I am not seeing a marriage councilor, but a medical one - for my sanity.
Can marriage councilors help if one one party is willing to see them?

Thanks for reading

[Ageing Grace]

Can marriage councilors help if one one party is willing to see them?

Yes.

As you say, it's probably most important right now to take care of your own health! So it's great that you're seeing a counsellor for that :cool:

S/he may well be able to help you sort out your feelings about your marriage and your freshly-acquired father-in-law. You can always ask them if they think it'd be helpful for you to see a marriage counsellor in addition. I'd be inclined to say not, but that very much depends on how your conversation goes.

Good to hear you had a fun night out! Sorry about the hangover - that always brings misery to the fore, doesn't it? With any luck, a large fry-up and plenty of water will help you remember WHAT A GOOD TIME YOU HAD :D

Love, AG

[Wedgewood]

Had the customary fry-up earlier and I feel a lot better physically :)

My mind is made up, I am going to do everything I can to win my wife back. Even if that means backing off as much a possible (which I am trying to do). I am also going to to do everything I can to ensure my kids have the the most enjoyment when I have them. However I do think showing my wife that I can go out and enjoy myself again will help too, I used to socialise a lot when we was younger, but stopped drinking altogether at the end. It was almost as if i didnt want to enjoy myself. I will also avoid putting any pressure on her, but try and get her to notice i have changed subtly.

Hope it works :)

[Raymond]

We hope it works too.

But really you have to hope for the best but be ready for the worse.

If it is becaue of the father it seems a mighty long time.

The ball is really in her court so you are right to get on with your life as you say.

Raymond

[jellybean28]

HI Wedgewood,

You seem to be doing really well. I hope things work out for you.

[jellybean28]

One thing I have hoped for two years that my Ex and I would get back together.

I had forgiven him for hurting me, however 2yrs and 1 month later the offer no longer stands. I have forgiven him and still care for him, but it is time for me to move on with my life.

[Wedgewood]

Thanks, but even though I seem to be doing better than some, it still hurts.

I am trying to get on with my life and show my wife that I can be independent and stand on my own two feet. If the truth be known I used to lean on her way too much for things that I should have helped with (such as housework).

In this day and age it seems there is no incentive for married couples to stay together, but I cant blame society for a mess that I created.

That being said I am still going to give it my best shot. Not only for me and the kids, but for my wife too - she deserves better.

[Raymond]

What mess did you create Wedgewood? I think it is more than about housework. I do hardly any but then my wife doesn't work in a job. In what way do you think you have failed?

I think there is just the incentive to stay together as there always was. True society doesn't encourage or respect the intitution as they did but it still remains the same and the state that most of us were meant to be in.

Raymond

[sean1234]

Hi friend see my post my wife has leaft after 18 years.Our stories are very familiar and i like u are suffering.Its been a month 2dat that she walked out and im still devestated.Seems no light at the end of the tunnel mate heh.My wife said the same words as yours i dont want this anymore not i dont want u any more.Im hoping we can make a start away from the home with my father.My wifes 33.She is such a sweet person and its funny how when u talk or see them they seem so different.I used to also let her do things like dentist,not all housework i did my share but only for the lasy year or so.I like u use to party and at the end hardly drank at all.Its one of the things she complained about to her mother.I went out last night for the 1st time and am also feeling blue this morning.The pain just goes on and on.My wife tried to take my boys who are 13 and 16 and they have stayed.But since she left they have not spoken to her.Her family blames me for this but i know its not doing me any favours.How can i make them.Alot of people have said at least u have the kids but it really doesnt make it any easier.The love u have for your children and ur wife is just not the same.I miss her dearly and would give it another go straight away.1 thing i admitted to myself and told her is that i myself b4 she left was not happy with the mundane life.But i would have stuck at it and never walked out as when i made my vows i meant them.I know she is missing the kids but she has to build bridges with them.Me and the boys are a package and we have never been closer than now.She has bonded us that way because we are all hurt.I tried to tell her just cos u were not happy doesnt mean they were not.She does not see this and i suppose the only person she camn blame is me instead of herself.Anyway my friend read my post let me know what u think as i know talking does help if only it takes ur mind off it for a few mins.sean

[Wedgewood]

Well the first thing I would say to you Sean is that I wish that I had handled myself differently in my break up.

About a 2 weeks ago I read a book called 'Stop your Divorce' by Homer McDonald. His background is 45 years in marriage guidance and his education is in Psychology. I only wish i had read this book sooner. Do yourself a favour and get a copy (available as an e-book also). It has made me feel 10 times better about the who scenario and provides valuabe information about seperation and divorce.

There is a small section called 'the 5 Points' that can help turn things in your favour, and improve your wifes attitude towards you. I am not saying for one moment this book works miracles or will get you back with your wife, but all I know is that I feel better in myself and my wifes attitude towards me seems to be softening.

It is really hard to motivate yourself to do some of the things he suggests, but I am comming from the point of view that my situation couldnt really get any worse, and all the conventional methods had no effect with my wife.

So if you got the time, give it a read. It will probably make you feel a bit better if nothing else.

[sean1234]

Hi mate can u give me an insight into these 5 steps.I have made all the bad mistakes such as crying,pleading,phone calls,texting and i know this is getting me no where.The children situation is hard as they get angry when i say to make contact with her.Really dont want her blaming me for that although i did manage to get my youngest to talk to her mother and he had told her he didnt want to see her till after xmas.I didnt like this but that at least came from him.She probaly wont like it more than me but at least he told this to her mum and it was not from my own mouth.What do u think mate

[Wedgewood]

Well the book is easy enough to obtain, but here is the general 5 points (need to be careful of copyright issues though)

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. P
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is. The status quo – as it is.
4. Date others. Make them jealous. Play hard-to-get. (not sure abput this one tbh)
5. Do everything instantly and happily, one hundred percent your mate’s way.


Hope it helps mate, but you really need to read the book to understand the logic behind it all.

[sean1234]

Yeah ive heard of these type of methods but s**t its gonna be hard going down those routes.Ive read tw jacksons book seems very similar.Check him out.Im finding talking to various people very helpful.At the moment for me getting different peoples views is better than wallowing in my own self pity.I also think admitting that i myself was not happy and telling her this is a start.I have made the decision to be kind because as they say that is my nature.I also know i cant meet her at the moment because i fall to peices.Ive got to be stronger.Changing my home a bit i think will help me because it seems like a museum to her at the moment.Sorting out the debt should put me in a better place and take my mind of that so then maybe just maybe i can start greiving as i think 4 weeks later im still in shock.I mstill at the why what if stage.You know the pain in your chest and stomach stage.Hope that goes sooner than later.I have also decided the kids dont want to talk to her and that is not my decision but they are my priority and instead of putting pressure on them toosee her im going to respect that.As my eldest said "your not the only one who is hurting dad,I was fine".They have said i have changed a bit since she left but ive had too as looking after them has to be my number 1 priority.Im glad they are 13 and 16 as if they were young kids im sure i would be struggling and too be honest i would probably be on my own.That has too be a possitive surely.I now look at it that i have done all i can for now and need to give her the space.Il let her know not through direct contact that we can survive but as i said to her the ball is in her court.She is the love of my life and 18 years will be hard for her too forget,i mean she is human after all.If we dont get back together ive done 4 weeks now and im still here and fighting the pain.All the time there is no one else involved il have hope but if another man became in volved i would have too draw the line as i know i could not forgive that.Im too loyal myself.I definently need to stop whining but you know mate when u see them u go to putty Its sad really that someone can do that 2 you,but oh can they.I will not TEXT.Mobile phones dont you just hate them.but as hard as i know it will be i must not do this.i know its got me nowhere so far.Time to be cruel to be kind to myself.Its going too be hard but im going to give myself at least a couple of weeks and start painting.Als i dont know if this can help u but ive set an alarm on my phones calendar of about a year for me could be different 4 u but if im still apart on that date i hope il be strong enough by then to let go.Its a long time i know but alot can happen in that time.who knows i might even be smiling by then lol.Take care friends Sean

[Ageing Grace]

Sean, this is really positive
I also think admitting that i myself was not happy and telling her this is a start.I have made the decision to be kind because as they say that is my nature.I also know i cant meet her at the moment because i fall to peices.Ive got to be stronger.Changing my home a bit i think will help me because it seems like a museum to her at the moment.Sorting out the debt should put me in a better place and take my mind of that so then maybe just maybe i can start greiving as i think 4 weeks later im still in shock.
I know you don't feel like Mr Positive at the moment, but that quote shows you're managing to be honest with your own feelings. Making decisions to deal with practical issues, as well as the house and your kids' emotional stability, is wise & rational. Good for you!

I don't trust books that lay down rules on 'How to Get / Keep / Regain Your Partner". Apart from the fact that everyone is different (and would have to be pretty dumb to fall for a set routine!), following these rules concentrates your focus on the relationship problems. Working on your own inner strength and improving your life is *guaranteed* to make you feel better, unlike those rules! Plus, let's face it, any worthwhile person is going to be more attracted to the emotionally stable individual - with a positive outlook & sorted circumstances - than to the sad git who's never looked inside themself and relies on rules in place of honesty.

Wedgewood: I'm not trying to put you down. We do need guidance when we don't know what to do, and virtually any self-help book can provide a much-needed point of reference in the worst times :) I'm glad this book is helping you right now. It is a good idea to lay off the constant contact, begging & whining: you are more dignified than that, and nobody enjoys endless hassle.

I'm not so sure about the value of turning yourself into a simpering doormat (rules 2 & 5)! Though I appreciate how those rules could help a selfish/controlling man whose partner left him: how much good will it do, really, if he's only playing a game?

Anyway, it's good that this book is helping you towards feeling more in charge of yourself. Keep going that way ... just don't let rule books take the place of genuine self-enhancement ;)

Wishing you both the best,
AG

[Wedgewood]

Yes I do see your point grace, I know the book is not the be-all and end-all. What I will say though is it has helped changed the feeling of animosity between myself and my wife. I would not go back to be a doormat, I could not do that to myself. However, my wife attitude to me seems to be getting less hostile, which can only be a good thing :)

[Wedgewood]

Well my wifes birthday has come and passed. In the end I decided not to contact her, but give presents from the kids. I got her some small, but thoughtful gifts from them.I hope it was the right thing to do, but there is no way of telling at the moment.

I'm thinking of going though a period of no contact to see if that helps the situation. I get the feeling she has got me exactly where shew wants me.

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood

I think sending gifts from the kids was a good idea, if not so much for her then for your kids.

Only you can make the decision about not having contact with your wife.
For me it was the best thing I did for myself. I would txt my ex telling him how much I loved him and missed him. Since not having contact with him for the last month I have been able to move on and to be honest I am so much happier. I have also refused to play his mind games or allow him to keep changing the rules in regard to our settlement agreement. He doesn't like not being in control anymore but that's his problem.

The hurt and anger and all the other feelings won't go away overnight. but one day Wedgewood you will feel differently. For me I noticed I had gone two days without bursting into tears, because I had thought about him heard one of our songs on the radio. Then it becme three days, then four etc. My grown up children can now tell me they've been to their dads for a meal with him and OW without be falling into a heap when I get off the phone. When I talk to the kids I no longer ask about him as I was only causing myself pain.

Hope that helps Wedgewood. :)

[Wedgewood]

Thanks jelly :)

I have some updates - first of all my councilor diagnosed me with severe depression, No surprise there, but its kind of ironic as I feel 10x better than a few months ago. I feel a lot more positive about life in general, and even though I still want my wife back, I have realised that the best thing to do is let her go and see what happens.

I have the first real test of my 'no contact month'. For some reason my wife has paid £50 less than the agreed figure into my bank account this month, I have no idea why or how to handle it. Should I contact her (and if so how do I word it) or do I let it go?

[Raymond]

If you feel better go with that. Only you know how you feel.

Can you say what the money is for Wedgewood?

If it is towards your joint house payment I wouldn't let it go. She cannot have her cake and eat it. You have to confront it and deal with it. Why should you subsidise her seperation?

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

The money is her half of the mortgage. She paid £50 less than the usual amount, but it is by standing order so I assume she has changed it permanently.

[Raymond]

That is underhand as she has not shared it with you. She has to be confronted about it. I would discuss it with her and see where you get.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

Sent her a polite text about the money but no response. I really dont want to rock the boat at the momentm but cant let her get away with it- can i?

[Helen_uk]

I'm afraid when it comes down to it you may have to rock the boat , if it comes to lawyers having to do it for you the boat will do more than rock ! She isn't showing you much respect by reducing her share toward the mortgage and not having the courtesy to tell you in advance.

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood

My Ex did something similar, although in my case he was trying to give me extra money before he was supposed to, which would end up with him paying me less than lawyers had agreed on.

I took the risk of rocking the boat, telling him to stop paying the extra, or I would contact my lawyer, and as it was him that was changing the rules, he could pay my legal fees. He stopped the extra payments that day. I also told him if he wanted to make any changes to our settement, to contact my lawyer.

Don't allow your wife to change standing orders, as she sees fit. If you allow her to do it once, she just may keep pushing. Saves alot of trouble and expensed in the long run.

[Raymond]

It was a hostile move to reduce her contribution. You either cave in trying to keep a relationship going or you fight it. In my view caving in would make you a doormat so you have to fight.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

I am so confused. My councilor says i'm in denial, but I cant give up on my wife. Even though there has been no encouragement from her about reconciling since we broke up, I just cant let her go. The £50 seems so insignificant (even though its probably not). I would do anything to get her back, but as you say I dont want to be a doormat. There must be a way we can work things out. Its just so hard to accept that it is over :(

[spiderman]

I got my divorce papers thro to sign last night ...ive filled them in and sent off this morning.....my marriage is over, it hurts but its over im still very sad tho and so is she but unfortunately life goes on !

Take care of yourself and try to stay positive

Lee

[Wedgewood]

Thanks mate.

I hope you find happiness soon, but it seems so far away for me. I am stuck, I cant move on and until my wife finds another partner then I will have difficulty in accepting it is over. Still, it seems like i am powerless to change her mind. She must realise for herself that we are better of together, the best i can do is try not to make things worse and hopefully give her some gentle nudges in the right direction.

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood,

I understand your pain as I was in your position not so long ago, there was no one else in his life (so he said) for the first 12 months, and even when he did move in with OW I still belived that he would come back to me. I was heartbroken and in a very dark place for a few months, until I changed my mindset and though about things.

My advice to you is yes you are in pain, but if you do convince your wife to come back, could you really be happy, knowing that she came back to make you happy. Treat her fairly and do the best you can to get on with your life and find the happiness that you deserve. Start doing the things that make you happy.

You probably want to tell me where to go at the moment, don't worry I've been there and done that, just think about what I just said, you have nothing to loose. ;)

If you truley love your wife, then let her go with love and wish her happiness in her life. This leaves your heart open to receiving the happiness you deserve.

Keep posting here and read other posts, they will help you to heal

[Wedgewood]

Jelly I would never insult anyones opinion on here - thats why I joined up :)

I know exactly what you are saying, but to me it seems such a waste - to throw away a good marriage and family. Still, I am sure she has reasons, but it is hard to understand when she flat refuses to speak to me. As I have said many times, I would do anything to get her back. The last thing I want to do is make her feel she is under pressure to come back to me. I want her to do it for the right reasons, i just hope the 'happiness charade' I put up in front of the kids and her family/friends is working. Yes deep inside I am hurting, but I am trying to show them all that I am coping (when really I'm not). My councilor says I should do things for my own pleasure and not for her benefit, but nothing gives me pleasure anymore. I am trying to go back into the person I was when we met (socialising etc)m but again its for her benefit, and not to enjoy myself. I hope this makes 'sense'?

[Raymond]

Apart from the problems about her father what is the reason she gave for the seperation Wedgewood? I can't see that that has been mentioned here. We have maybe assumed it was something to do with the father when that may not be the case. You could ask her how have you failed her without going into doormat mode. You have assumed it is about housework but what does she say?

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

Well the only reason I got from here is that she 'didn't want it anymore' meaning the relationship. That is all I know. I couldn't get anymore out of her than that.

Hope that helps.

[jellybean28]

I agree Wedgewood, it does seem like a waste to throw all those years away. Like you what hurt me the most was that they can't give you a real reason for them wanting out. I stuggled with that for ages. I should have done this or that, lost a bit more weight, tried harder, been a better wife etc, etc. I don't think I will ever know, sad thing is I don't think he really knows either. Now I don't let it bother me, as I know deep down I'm a good person and no one is perfect.

Yeah the going back to being the person you used to be for her benefit makes sense. I did the same thing for while.

It took me two years to get over my ExH and in coming here helped me no end. You've been separated for 5months so you're still raw and coming to terms with things. If you haven't already done so read the thread about moving on there's a good article there. I think that's the one

In the meantime Wedgewood, keep working at it, things will begin to get better slowly. Oh and if appearing happy infront of the kids, family and friends were an olympic sport I'd be a contender for gold :). One day you'll notice, that you're not faking you happiness so much.

Take care Wedgewood

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the advice Jelly, it means a lot. I am just so confused at the moment and its so hard for me just to get out of bed in the morning.

I am going out later for a few drinks so hopefully that will take my mind off things for a bit. I just wish that she would talk to me, it would make things so much easier :)

[Raymond]

I find the whole thing weird that you haven't even been given a reason. I know that she doesn't share her feelings easily but could you not ask her by letter what the reason was? I get the feeling that the reason was in her not in you although I may be wrong. If you could get her to share anything I think that will be a bonus.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

Had a good night and hardly thought about her at all, well until I got home anyway.

I wish I knew the reason Raymond, but she is unwilling to communicate with me about anything other than the kids at the moment. My plan is to try and make her fall in love with me again by being the person I should have been before, not that I was a bad husband, but I didn't take notice of her needs enough. I'm going to give it my best shot, it will be a lot of had work and could end up being more painful, but I have to do something. I'm not going to pressurize her. just hope she can see the difference in my thought her own eyes and judgment.

[spiderman]

Stand by for more pain then mate...I hope it works for you but alas she seems pretty hellbent on splitting....I would want to know the real reasons for my own peace of mind!

[Raymond]

Nothing ventured nothing gained. There is not another fellow so it is not straight forward, so it could work. Whilst hoping for the best though you have to be ready for the worst. If you can do that what is to stop you?

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

Thats exactly what I was thinking Raymond, but Spiderman could be right - I will probably get hurt. I dont want to have regrets for the rest of my life though, time to get off my backside and show her how much she means to me, without actually ramming it down her throat. I think it will make me a better person in the long run whatever happens (not that I am that bad to start with!) :)

[Raymond]

I hope it works Wedgwood and I hope eventually that she will share with you what is going on inside of her. She has had an unstable upbringing and that seems to be affecting things. It seems that she is sharing with her father now and that might help her. You say she is more friendly now so that is something. I get the feeling that she feels there are parts of her that you don't understand but that will not stop you from being a good husband. You can only do what you can do.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

I will give it my best shot - I feel that she deserves that, but I also want to respect her decision as much as possible, so I dont want to make her feel undermined.

Even though I have made up my mind to attempt to win her back, I am clueless on where to start. I feel she will resist any attempt to talk about personal things for the time being. I have been trying 'no contact' for the last few weeks and will probably keep this up for a while to give her space. I could well be setting my self up for a fall, but it is a chance that I am willing to take. I dont want to appear to be a stalker either :)

Please let me know any suggestions you have, but keep in mind that direct contact is not really an option.

Thanks in advance :)

[Raymond]

Keep it low key. Respect her space. Be kind but not a doormat. If you are relating to her somewhow without being pushy, something will be happening. Avoid manipulation though. Especially when you have put effort in and you think you are entitled to a response. Those are the times when you can blow it. If there is anything still there for you it will come out if you allow it to. If she is feeling safe with you she will eventually relax with you. To sum it up good behaviour with no strings attached.

You might find the DVD "Fireproof" helpful.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the tips mate. Will definitely look at that DVD and try everything to work things out. As I said before, I think she will resist any direct contact at the moment, so I think a long and slow process of building up trust in me sounds a good place to start. Maybe it will help to let her guard down, but the last thing I want is more pain and confusion for the kids, so I have to be extremely careful.

If anyone else has any good ideas then please let me know, or you know of any people who have been apart as long as me and go back together then that might also help :) I may be giving myself false hope, but I am prepared to put the effort inm and hopefully get the right result.

I am starting from the position of her not speaking to me or most op my family, so its a pretty tough base to build from :( but i am prepared to start from the bottom, she is worth it :)

[Raymond]

You are starting from scratch it seems but you chose each other in the beginning so there must be something there. I think if you can get her talking in a safe place that would be a good start. Taking it slowly as you say is a good idea. She has still not shared with you her reasons for opting out so you are walking in the dark hoping for a bit of light.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

Somehow I feel a lot better in myself today, hope its not false hope but more a realisation of that I dont actually 'Need' her back, but would 'prefer' it. I'm going to make some major changes to my lifestyle which should improve my self confidence and health whatever happens. Its time for me to grow up and realise what life is all about. I just hope it is not too late. It is time to start thinking positive and knuckle down to some hard work.

[Raymond]

Your in a good place I think Wedgewood.

Raymond

[Wedgewood]

Thanks mate.

I have been thinking about why my wife decided to end our marriage and the reason that fits best is that I was making her life miserable with my own unhappiness. Since the breakup I have been to counseling and have been diagnosed with severe depression, but this in a strange way has helped me in dealing with things. Apparently I have suffered with this for a long time, way before the breakup, and I can understand why my wife wanted things to be over. Nobody wants to live with a burden, but I didn't realise how sad I had become.

Now that I have a better understanding of the problem, I believe there is more chance in turning things around. From now on I am going to concentrate on making myself better, and enjoying my life (especially when I have my children). I plan to tell some close mutual friends all of this, and that should help me feel a little better by sharing the load. Also if word gets back to my wife then good, but I dont want to start using them as messengers due to my lack of communication with my wife. I hope that if I can improve myself and my happiness then that will speak louder than any words from me or anyone else.

[jellybean28]

Wedgewood, what a great new attitude!!!

So many people will benift from your making life better for yourself, friends, family and most importantly your children.

Sharing with a few close friends is a great idea, ask for their support if they see you slipping backwards.

[Jenn]

Wow, Wedgewood! What a very nice place to be in. Good for you!

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the encouragement! I am under no illusion how difficult this is going to be. My thinking is most of the answers I am looking for regarding the breakup are inside myself, and even if things turn out to be final, I will at least feel better in myself and live a happier life :)

I have an appointment with my shrink this afternoon, I wonder what she will make of it all :)

[Wedgewood]

Well the appointment with my councilor was a bit upsetting. Came out feeling worse than when I entered, but I think it will do me good in the long run. I have been thinking about myself all morning and how I can improve the way I feel, which makes a change from thinking of her and what I can do to rectify things, I know the answers are inside me somewhere and I am determined to improve my quality of life and happiness. She wont come back to a miserable git so I need to find genuine happiness if there is to be any chance. Game on!

[Wedgewood]

Got invited out yesterday for a few frames of snooker by the 'mutual friends' I mentioned earlier, which was kind of spooky as I haven't heared from them for a few weeks. Anyway, decided to use the opportunity to tell them my situation with counseling/depression. It felt good to share the load a little. If word gets back to my wife I hope she realises that I have identified my problem and am getting treatment for it. It is kind of guesswork at the moment because I am only assuming the reason for the split is related to this. The friends are close to me and I hope they dont think that this is an ulterior motive, I did genuinely want them to know.

It made me feel better and that is what I am concentrating on right now. Thursday is my night out , so I got something to look forwards to today. Life doesn't seem so bad anymore, and even though I would love to get back with my wife, I am not so desperate now, which again can only be a good thing.

[jellybean28]

That's great to hear Wedgewood,

Enjoy your night out with your friends :p Will this become a regular thing?
That way you will have something to plan and look forward to.

[Wedgewood]

Yeah its regular - signed up to play for my local pool team, which I used to do when I met my wife. Its great for me to look forward to it, plus I get to socialise. The other thing is my wife can see that I have re-established my social life which i think can only be a good thing, and that I am enjoying myself too. I dont want her thinking she has me where she wants me. I'm not great at interpreting the female psyche but being happy and socialising cant harm my chances can they? :)

[Wedgewood]

Had another good day yesterday, didn't think about her once when I was out, which is probably the first time in 6 months. I have a gut feeling that things are not going as well for he as she planned, but maybe that is just wishful thinking. The problem I have is getting her to notice me again when we are not communicating. I dont want to rush anything, but the longer this goes on the more we will drift apart. Its a catch 22 at the moment as space from me is probably what she really needs right now. I am struggling to understand why she chooses not to speak to me, but I plan to respect her decision, which I didn't do initially. As I said before it will be hard work, and this is just the beginning. Still, at least I have started putting my life back together which can only be good for us both.

[Wedgewood]

OK So i have decided to change my image a little by going to a hairdressers and getting a different style/colour to my usual barbers buzz cut. The idea is to reflect the way I am thinking of the world right now, which is not to take it too seriously. I have had the same haircut for almost 5 years now and have been using the same barbers for 15years. If my hair turns out to look odd or even a bit of a disaster then its no loss, It will just make me smile when I look in the mirror - which cant be a bad thing. My ex might think I have lost the plot or something, but who cares? not me right now, all I want is to enjoy myself - I think I deserve that much at least.

[jellybean28]

:D You go Wedgewood.

From a women's perspective, it's great to see a man updating his image.
My ExH has had the same hair cut since he was 17 (now50). Sad thing is a modern cut would have made him look really sexy.

My boys make me laugh as they are always chaning their hair styles and on occasion colour. They've had dreadlocks, undercuts, mullets, oh and one chirstmas the oldest dyed on half of his hair red the other green. Looked terrible, but he put a smile on peoples faces.

Enjoy your new look, maybe your wife will see what she's missing. ;)

[Wedgewood]

Ok, Had my hair done yesterday and went out to watch the rugby with a few mates. Had a good day in general, but kind of went downhill in the evening when my (ex?)wife dropped the kids off.

My daughter randomly said in conversation 'What is Magaluf?'. I put 2 and 2 together and come up with 22, next thing I know I have gone from being positive to feeling like I had a swift kick in the groin. My daughter also mentioned that my wife had a stack of £50 notes in a neighbours safe for Christmas (probably why the mortgage was in arrears), and to add ontop of it all she didn't go to work last night, she was out on the tiles.

I have no idea if my daughter dropped a clanger by mentioning Magaluf, or if my wife has deliberately said it in earshot of her so she will relay it to me. Either way, a condition of my depression is to fear the worst. It all seemed to be going well when this happened (if anything has happened?).

It kind of spoiled my weekend with the kids, but i still tried to put on a brave face. I cooked some stew and a pie with my daughter, which for me is an achievement (being a typical undomesticated male). We also watched 'Bedtime Stories' which ironically has my favourite song of the moment as its theme (Journey - Dont Stop Believing)

On the up side I have had some positive messages/body language from women with my new image and my self confidence is growing. Still want her back as much as ever, but I got to remain positive and believe.

[jellybean28]

Well done Wedgewood. Glad to hear about the positive results from new hair cut. Maybe that's what I need I change my hair so often that I'd need to do something like shave my head, mmm save money on the hair dressers. Not sure what it would do for my image though.

If you find a cure for putting 2 and 2 together and fearing the worst, please pass it on, coz I have a tendency to do that all the time. That's half my problem, I think it come from my childhood and over protective parents and a mother who told me awful things happen girls if there bad.

Here's to remaining positive and believing in ourselves.
Take care :):)

[Wedgewood]

Went to hospital yesterday to try and determine the cause of my tiredness and anger/stress. They could find nothing physically wrong with me (well nothing on ECG and general M.O.T). Had to have more blood tests and they said I have jaundice, but my liver is a concern also (lack of Billirubin). Got to go back in 6 weeks for a stomach biopsy and scan. It may all be caused by Coelicas which my Dad suffers from.

If they find nothing then the problem is between my ears, which suggests the depression is causing it. While I am 'hoping' for something physical at the moment, it may just be mental. Either way I need it fixed so I can live my life fully again :)

[Wedgewood]

Having a little downer so far today. Work may be the cause of my depression and I am debating telling them I need a change of direction. Given the current climate I am not sure its a great idea, but I would give anything to feel truly happy right now, rather than 'superficially' happy.

Still have not given up on working things out with my wife, but been no contact for basically all this month so its hard to tell if there is any effect right now. I am going out on Saturday with some mutual friends and hopefully they will see the effort I have been making with myself, and that I am 'Happy'. I have no idea if this will even get relayed back to her and what effect it will have. Everything is a long shot right now, but I have to keep believing in myself to get out of this. I just pray that it makes a difference to her as well as myself.

[Helen_uk]

Reading through your thread one thing strikes me. You seem to be doing pretty much everything in the hope it will get back to your wife and have an effect on her. It's a fact though that the best way to deal with this is to do things for YOU.. and if it does then happen to have a positive effect on your relationship then that's a bonus.

I've had clinical depression now for almost 20 years and the one thing I've learned from it is that you need to be kind to yourself. That means putting yourself first at times without wondering and worrying about how someone else ( i.e your wife in this case )is going to view it.

Do you think your depression was caused by the break up of your marriage or was the break up caused because you were depressed ? Having depression can make one self centred because it's an incredibly time consuming disorder and by necessity lots of other stuff has to take a back seat while you deal with it. That can be hard for a partner to deal with . Or is it reactive depression where it's brought about by circumstance ?

It's amazing isn't it how a mental disorder such as depression can have such a huge effect on physical health ? Tiredness, aches and pains, sleeplessness, anger , frustration loss of appetite... depression encompasses them all. And on top trying to be a crowd pleaser ( for your wife's benefit ) and mend a relationship is putting yourself under huge stress.

I feel for you wedgewood , hope things change for you soon.

[Wedgewood]

Thanks Helen,

I think you have hit the nail on the head, Everything you said rings true, but I have never put myself first for as long as I can remember. It appears the depression has been around long before my breakup, but I didnt know it.
Maybe my wife knew something was up but was not sure how to handle things. My councilor says that it has been with me for years, but don't know how they can tell.

Thanks for your comments, it allways feels better when you hear things from someone else's view.

[Helen_uk]

Certainly from your wife's comment that she " didn't want it any more " it may be that your depression was something she couldn't handle... it can be very difficult for the partner of someone with depression to cope....and when her dad came along she saw an escape route , but to be honest you could keep wondering about the why's and the wherefore's for ever and still never know.

The thing you have to deal with is the way things are now and getting through the depression will be a major factor. I think you also need to shift your focus slightly and start doing things for you and not because you're hoping it will filter through to your wife. Getting yourself strong mentally can only improve life whatever happens with your relationship .Sounds like you're doing all you should, getting checked physically, having counselling, getting out and about and looking at improving your image. If you can keep that up but still allow yourself to have your " bad " days without letting them become a focus I think that's a great start to recovery... for you and maybe even your relationship.

But do it for YOU , you're important too .

[Wedgewood]

Again you are right, but I find it extremely hard to take any real pleasure out of life at the moment. I am certainly on the road to recovery, but it is a long road I feel. I know that the bad days will be with me for a while, possibly for life, but I am determined to give it my best shot. Although my motives are towards my wife (and kids obviously), I have had to use this because I don't value myself enough to do it for me. This attitude has to change (and it is slowly), but it is going to be a gradual shift of focus.

Life is tough enough in general, but I do have more than most on my plate right now. No excuses, but running a house alone (don't forget I am un-domesticated), being a father and holding down a full-time job is not easy when you add the mental issues as well. I am sure you know this far better than me Helen and that is why your comments are so much appreciated.

Anyway, on a positive note - tonight i make my debut for the local pool side after 10 years of self-enforced retirement. Here is to going out, having fun and forgetting life's troubles (at least till I am on the walk home!)

Thanks again Helen, you have no idea how much you have helped me over the last few days. That is what is so great about this forum and community.

Mark x

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood

I don't know if this will help but as someone who has been where you are. I did the same tried to make improvements to myself to try and get H back because I didn't value myself enough but as time gradually passed I realized the things I was doing were to please myself. I am now happier, yes there are times when I fall in a heap, you can read my other threads to find out more.

I come here post get replys read other threads and it helps, it's like having a heap of great councillors with life experience all in one room together. :)

I still need outside help and probably will for a while, but I have other peoples stories which are similar to mine to draw from. I really appriecate the people who come back and let us know how things are working out for them gives me hope.

Your story has helped me Wedgewood, because I got no answers from my ExH, but now realize I have had depression for years (mine started after the birth of my youngest 20yrs ago). It would have been difficult for him to cope as he has his own problems. I can now forgive him and myself and begin to rebuild and move on with my life. Oh and thanks to good friends and family I am slowly begining to value myself. I have a lot to give just as you do.

You are doing well, things are still raw for you. Keep doing what you are doing to help yourself. I try not to have bad days in other words some days are just better than others

Enjoy your pool tonight. Afterwards try and think of the fun you had playing pool and the company of your friends, try and keep those thoughts for as long as you can, so you don't reply the tapes in your mind which make you feel sad. Now I must go and practice what I preach. So going to have a glass of red and watch the Friday night movie, lounge like a slob and leave the dishes in the sink till morning lol :rolleyes:

Take care and thank you

[Helen_uk]

Hi Mark

Just wondered what type of counselling you're having ? I only ask because you mentioned you don't value yourself and have problems putting yourself first . There are different types of counselling and if you feel very negative toward yourself or life in general CBT can help change your mind set . Person centred counselling is more empathetic and much more " listening " based .

Hope the pool went well....and that you had some fun !

Helen x

[Wedgewood]

Last nights pool turned out to be a bit of a dissapointment:(. Turns out that the league has been delayed and will start next week (fingers crossed). Still, had a good night with the lads - which is something I cherish right now.:)

I have told my bosses in work about my current mental state and have asked them about the possibility of changing roles within the company. At the moment I am clueless about the source of my depression, but as I hate my job (yes hate), it is a good place to start. This ilness may well have cost my marriage, but I wont let it beat me - not by a long chalk. They were kind of understanding, but given the current economical climate I wonder how much help they will give me. Still, I am glad that I have mentioned it. Another step to changing my life.

I am delighted that my story is helping you Jelly, although I am unsure how. All I do is come on here and type nonsense, but it makes me feel better, so it looks like you are stuck with it!

As for my type of counselling, I have no idea what it is called. My GP recommended me to someone and that is all I know. A usual session involves me talking for the majority of the time, with the counsellor challenging me on my decisions and thoughts. Does that give you any clue? :)

The more I read about the syptoms of depression, I am sure that this is what caused my marriage to breakup. Conquering it is the key to getting back with my wife, it there is any hope at all. Still, got to start thinking of myself (slaps himself around the head).

[Helen_uk]

Conquering it is the key to getting your LIFE back !

Sounds to me like it's person centred , which is pretty standard therapy . That's what's normally offered via the NHS as it's the most errrm... cost effective :-) . It's a good therapy if all you need is to talk things through but to get to the root cause of depression it's sometimes worth while finding a psychotherapist and seeing if they can offer a deeper form of therapy. Costly though if your GP is not forthcoming !

Tackling work about a change of direction is a positive step to, and even if nothing comes of it ..you tried . It all might feel like an uphill struggle but it's all a step forward and small steps are better than none ( or reverse ...! )

I think getting your confidence back will have a positive effect on your wife too... though of course that would be the icing on the cake and not the primary reason to do it !

Helen x

Hey, at least you can look forward to the pool league starting next week.. and you had a good night out with the lads !

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Wedgewood

It's fantastic to see you getting to grips with things - and making moves towards a better life for yourself. I'm loving yours & Helen's replies! Thanks :)

Dunno if this will be of interest to you (now or later, maybe) but, after years of fighting for decent treatment from the NHS, I found out the key to getting it started is for your GP to refer you to the CMHU. Try not to freak out - it's the community mental health unit :p

They are, of course, underfunded and the quality of treatment you receive does depend on where you live (sigh). Once you've got a proper psychiatric diagnosis, however, you qualify for higher-level therapy ... and can support your representations to your employer.

I am by no means suggesting you start defining yourself by your illness!! You seem to be doing very well at present (really!). I just thought it might be comforting to know there is more support available, should you need it.

Here's to a few more normal nights out with the lads. Just what the doctor ordered :D

AG x

[Helen_uk]

You're right AG mental health care is VERY under funded and a bit of a post code lottery . In my area we have a fantastic child and adolescent mental health unit but for adults it's pretty appalling . We have a large population of drug users who eat into the budget and I was told ( off the record by my PDN ) that there is little left to tackle depressive illnesses... and also sadly that the only way to get pushed up the queue was to be considered a danger to yourself... or others.. Neither of which is very appealing ! The only other way to climb the queue here is to opt for a 10 week group therapy assessment first and then hope you're considered " bad " enough to be offered 1 to 1 treatment !

Mark.. you're doing better than you think and just being able to put these feelings into words is a big move forward, take my word for it !

Helen x

[jellybean28]

Hi Mark,

Glad you had a good night out with the boys.

You asked how your posts were helping, well to start off with there not nonsense. As I see them it's a guy going through a tough time and expressing what he's feeling in his heart.

I can relate to what you are saying as what's happening with you is similar to my circumstances in some ways. So from reading your posts has helped me put my own life into perspective.

Jellybean :)

[Wedgewood]

Had a great weekend (apart from Wales getting thrashed in the rugby ).Went out with some of my old 'mutual' friends/couples to watch the match yesterday and enjoyed myself almost all night. Had a bit of a rocky spell for half an hour, but tried not to let it show. Started talking to my 2 oldest friends later on in the night when I was a little worse for wear. Spilled most of the beans about my depression, counseling and treatment. I also told them that I am happier now than I have been for a few years, to which they agreed amazingly. This made me feel 10 feet tall because not only am I putting up a convincing exterior, but just maybe I am that 'happy'. Told them there is no bitterness towards my wife and I hope everything works out for her, but my priority now was to get myself better. They both agreed that I seem to be on the mend and getting back to my old self.

This seemed to translate into a better mood when I got up today. I was a lot more at ease around the childern. Usually I would be quick to jump on them for any small misbehaviors, but today I was able to control myself a little better. It all points to an improvement in my mood and general attitude to life. Although I have never really felt suicidal, my problem has always been trying to find a good enough reason to live, or even get out of bed. It looks like slowly, but surely I am lifting this blanket off my brain and starting to see the sunshine again.

Still no contact will my wife, but even that seems to be taking a back seat right now. Although she did take the time to get me a ticket to see my daughters Christmas concert, albeit a different showing to the one she is attending.


I have arranged to meet my friends again on Tuesday to tell them the full story, without any beer talk. It is so comforting to know that I have such good friends on here and in real life.

Mark x

[Wedgewood]

Its been a bit rough today, had an emotional day in work and felt a bit down before going in. Not sure if I mentioned it, but told my supervisior on Friday about my issues and asked what the company could do to help me. Had 2 more meetings today, one with HR and one with my department manager, again discussing how I move forward from here. I told them that I find my job unsatisfying and this could be related to my depression. They tried to convince me that it was due to my breakup and it is 'normal'. They said they will 'do whatever they can' to help, but there are no other positions available at the moment. I kind of expected that and will start looking for alternative employment.

Meanwhile, I feel shattered at the moment and nearly broke down emotionally on the drive home. I managed to keep it together, but I have missed my wife alot today. I would dearly like to sit her down and tell her about the changes I am making, but I think that would defeat the point, not that she would listen at the moment anyway.

I have also decided to start exercising regularly again as I have read that it helps depression. I wont be overdoing it, but I plan to run 5k everyother day starting next week. I am going to try and do at least one thing positive per day to try and turn my life around. As there are no magic wands available then its going to be hard work all the way, but hopefully the reward at the end will be worth it.

[Jenn]

Hi Wedgewood:

Without going back and reading all of your posts, I have to ask, has your wife said that, if you made changes, she would consider reuniting? just curious...

Sorry to hear that you are having such a rotten day, but at least you have the energy to think about exercising... I should take this up myself!

Jenn

[Wedgewood]

No - there has been no encouragement from my wife since we split. it has been about 6 months now since we seperated and much has changed for me personally. The problem I have is communicating with her as she will not speak to me. The was no defining moment to our relationship ending, more of a gradual decline. This I feel was due to my poor mood and generally being not much fun to be around. I was diagnosed with severe depression a few months ago(not caused by breakup, it had been around prior to)and I am determined to get better and start enjoying life again. I have made some good progression since and some of my closest friends have recently commented on how happy I appear. Deep inside I still yearn for my wife, but I want her to know (even if it is through the grapevine), that the 'old me' is back and the only thing I need to be completly happy is to re-unite with my wife and children. Things are not so bad for me at the moment, just had a bit of a bad day today. I am trying to focus on myself now rather than trying to please my wife, but at the end of the day I can't seem to let her go.

[Jenn]

Why won't she talk to you? Sorry, If you've covered this already in your post.

[Wedgewood]

Well I dont really know. That is one of the questions I came here looking for an answer to. She has no real reason not to talk to me, she will only speak with me via text message and onlt if it regards the children. I dont think I have done anything to warrant this silent treatment, but there is not much I can do about it. I am trying to get her to see that things have changed, but its hard when everything has to happen indirectly.

Maybe it is to hard emotionally for her to speak with me, I really dont know. She is not very forthcomming with her emotions, so it is really a guessing game. I think that maybe deep down there are some emotions still there, but it is a question of 1) me proving I have changed emotionally and 2) if she will allow herself to possibly get hurt again. I have been as civil as possible though the breakup, to try and make things as easy as possible. I dont know, maybe it would be easier for her if we were arguing to cut me off alltogether. I have no idea how women think, and I am getting tired of searching for answers. I will try my utmost to win her back, but I need to get myself in order first.

[Helen_uk]

Hi Mark, sorry to hear you're going through a low point..it's the nature of the beast with depression though so accept that that's the way it is.. for today .. and that tomorrow may be better , day by day is the only way to tackle it.

You're quite right in thinking exercise is great for lifting spirits so well done you. Depression generally has a cause either an emotional trigger , sometimes a hormonal one, even sometimes a physical one and it IS an illness as real as any physical one and sometimes much more difficult to find a cause and treat. So if you feel yours isn't being dealt with go back to the GP .

As to your wife , if she has problems dealing with her own emotions she probably finds it even more difficult to deal with yours and may feel guilty for feeling this way . people who struggle with expressing emotion often bottle it all up until they can't take it any more... and then run away from the problem rather than talking about it.. Do you think this is her ?

Regardless though you do need to sort yourself out before trying to understand what happened with your marriage . You've done - and continue to do - everything you can to show your wife you want her back , what more can you do ?

Take care.

Helen x

[Wedgewood]

Well I have always had the feeling that my wife never really expressed her true feelings and even now, though she puts on a convincing exterior (kind of like me), maybe she does still miss me, but it would take a lot for her to back down and 'lose face' in front of her family/friends. I just hope that if this is true she does come to her senses. All I want for her is to be happy, and I would hate to think that she is not, and just too stubborn to say so. If she is happy then good for her, I still love her and thats what makes me feel sad, but I will just have to see what happens

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood

I couldn't have said what you have said any better, my husband and your wife seem very similar.
Like you all I want is for my husband to be happy.

You are doing great Wedgewood how's the exercise going? I have been walking and find that it helps to lift my mood. I'm going to play social tennis in a couple of weeks and learn lawn bowls, anything to get out and have some fun. :p

Take care
Gillian

[Wedgewood]

I will probably start the running next week. I have some appointments this week after work with the doctors, and then hospital next Tuesday. So I am targetting next Wednesday. Feeling down again today, my friends can mke tonight (was going to tell them full story), maybe I am putting too much on them. I hope they understand where I am at, and by telling them helps me, but I dont want to dread everytime the see me. Was also hoping some information might filter back to my wife through them, but I guess that the best way to 'show' my wife is to enjoy life and she will get to hear about it naturally.

[Wedgewood]

Still feeling down, starting to doubt myself and if anything with bring her back. I keep thinking I am missing something. I dont know why, but I just get the feeling she is waiting for something. Some of my friends say my wife is acting 'bitter' towards me, but I dont know. I cannot see anything for her to be bitter about, but then again I can't explain why she will not speak to me and is avoiding me like the plague. maybe things are still raw for her, even if you is puuting up a good smoke screen. I am going out later to try and improve my mood, but I cant keep using alcohol and pool as my saviours as I will soon get bored of them, or end up a drunk (not to mention the financial implications).

So if anyone out there has any bright ideas on how to improve my chances of a re-union then I am all ears. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself and expecting to see results straight away, but I am going to stick with it - no matter how hard things get. I am not about to start giving up on her.

[jellybean28]

Don't be to hard on yourself Wedgewood there will be days when you will doubt yourself. As I am not working at the moment(due to ill health and lack of work in the area). I spend time at the local coffee shops drinking coffee - not good for the health, but I sit there for a couple of hours with a good book or the paper, helps me to feel less lonely.

Do you think that you may have put your wife on a bit of a pedastal? and that if you looked at her from a different angle, maybe your need to win her back maybe lessoned?

What I'm trying to say is that I still love my husband, would like him back but probably more for the comfort of being in a familiar relationship. I will always love him and care about him, but in reality he's been a total
ba@#$$d to me. Not that I'm trying to say that about your wife as I don't know her, just what you've told us.

Looking at my husband in a different light is helping to move on slowly, at the same time I have totally shut the door on him so to speak, but I now do things for me, not to try and win him back.

It's great that you are determined not to give up on your wife, but don't give up on yourself either. Could you maybe do a course at night school? Or take up a hobby of some sort? Just some ideas to help take your mind off things.

Take care Gillian

[Ageing Grace]

Jellybean gave you good advice there, Wedgewood!

All your good works will be in vain if you keep on thinking you're doing it "for her".

You're not, you're doing it so that - whatever happens in the future - you will be a better Wedgewood and your kids will have a superb role model. Keep that in mind, even if you have to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror every day :D

Joining stuff - classes, courses, the library, a new gym, a book or film club - is the classic way to broaden out your scope. Because it works. Go for it!

By the way, I was so impressed that your "starting small" features a 5km run (I used to run, but couldn't catch a bus these days) - I've started re-training my poor, flabby legs! So there, you've enhanced one person's life already :p Give yourself a high five.

Cheers,
AG

[Wedgewood]

Thanks both for the kind comments and the advice. A hobby sounds like a great idea, but once I start the gym again that will be my hobby. 3 times a week down there and pool on Thursdays is about all the spare time I have. Dealing with the mental tiredness of depression is also very difficult for me, so I probably have more spare time than I think, but once the lethargy sets in the hours just pass un-noticed. Again, I wont let it win.

I have had my latest blood results, which were all clear and negative for Coeliacs. Good news in a way, but probably points to depression being the sole reason for my symptoms. Thus, making me more determinded to beat it, as the reward is greater and more tangible.

As for putting my wife on a pedastal, I guess you are right jelly, but I would bet everyone does the same in my position. Point taken about looking at things from a different perspective, but at this moment in time she is the only woman for me. I am not ready to start dating again and certainly not ready to give up on my marriage. My wife has been on the whole, the best thing that happened to me, but for the last few years I forgot that. I'm not going to blame the depression for everything as ultimately the buck stops with me. I still dont understand the bitterness and silent treatment though, but I could be wondering about these things till my end.

Thanks again both, you help me no-end. Got pool tomorrow, first game is confirmed so no let down this week!

I wont give up on myself either, I am going to change the way I live my life forever - for MYSELF (and hopefully hers too :) )

[sean1234]

hi mate.as u know our stories are similar.ive also been diagnosed as depressed b4 my marriage split.My aunt committed suicide day after my mother died .she was an alcohlic.maybe it all started then.Ive been getting abuse from her family,calling me names such as fatty.truth is when i met my wife i was 18 stone 18 years later im 12 stone.My wife is giving me the silent treatment 2.I know how frustrating this is and lets be honest it hurts like hell.ive been put on pro zac,no improvement yet although im not crying as much.To be honest i think you are in the same boat as me.We are scared of the future and cannot imagine life without our wifes closeness.That i think is a fact and is very frightening.Been nearly 10 weeks 4 me now.10 weeks of hell.These women we think we know just seem 2 change.My boys still have not seen mum which is not helping my cause but i dont want 2 drive them away from me continually harrasssing them.They will in thier own time.Anyway my friend i know this is going to be a really tough time of year.I cant even bring myself to put up decorations as 2 many memories for me.Maybe a ne tree for the boys but thats it.Im sure your dreading xmas as much as me.Anyway take care and stay strong.I know how hard it is and my thoughts are with everyone going through this same hell as me.Sean

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Sean :)

Glad you got yourself on antidepressants. Long-term depression actually wrecks your whole system - physical and mental - because your neurotransmitters stop working properly. If nothing else, SSRIs (like Prozac) help with that so your health won't be so badly impacted. This is obviously important for your overall recovery, whatever happens.

I think you should do something about Christmas, if only to show your kids and neighbours (and yourself?) you're not completely out of the loop. My first Christmas after divorce, I couldn't face using my designer decorations, which I'd collected during my marriage, so I gave them all away & bought some cheap lights & stuff in a very different style from 'my' usual Christmas. I still remember how chuffed I was when I switched them all on, even though I was there by myself!!

Did you follow through with the counselling? I think it might help you.

Remember to do something nice for your self every day :D

Best wishes,
AG

[Wedgewood]

Ok here is a little update.

Went to pool on Thursday and duely lost my game, and the team lost the match 6-3. Tried not to let it bother me too much as I used to get so hung up on winning when I was younger. It wasn't a great night from the beginning as I had to force myself to go out. Kind of strange as I was really looking forward to it a few days beforehand, but I guess that is the nature of the beast with depression. Even though it did not turn out as planned, I am still glad I made the effort. I have broken the ice now and got the monkey off my back with regards to making my debut for a new team, with a lot on unfamiliar people. Still, I have got to know them over the last few weeks of practice, and I am sure that even though I feel socially retarded sometimes, it wont be long before they class me as a friend.

I took some of your sagely advice and started doing one thing for myself everyday, so yesterday I had a lazy day and just did what I wanted :) Got to clean up the mess and dishes this morning though :(

Still feeling a little blue, but that is mainly to not putting in much effort with improving myself over the last few days I feel, so I am going to experiment with some cooking this afternoon. Maybe invite a few test subjects errm I mean friends around as taste testers!

Still trying to keep my chin up, but it seems like a lead weight is attached to it at the moment. Still no contact with my wife, I have sent only 1 message in November and that was regarding the £50 missing from last months payment. Still havnt received this months yet, which is kind of worrying as it is Christmas after all and presents need to be purchased.

Hope things get better for you Sean, all I can say is even though I am no closer to re-uniting with my wife at the moment, I definately feel better than 10weeks after the split.


Mark x

[Wedgewood]

Managed to have a great weekend and improve my mood - don't really know how. Had Saturday off work for the first time in a few weeks and managed to get my chores all sorted without having to rush around like a headless chicken. Got to say that my anxiety is definitely getting better, hardly even raised my voice to the kids even when they were misbehaving.

Took them to see 'A Christmas Carol' and let them play some pool in the local bowlplex. Also spent a lot of quality time with my daughter cooking gingerbread men and home made french bread pizzas. Not quite Michelin star yet, but its turning out to be quite 'fun' as a father/daughter activity, as long as I can keep my nerves in check.

The enjoyment the kids had this weekend with me seemed tangible, which is a first for me. I usually have difficulty in interpreting other peoples feelings unless they are backed up with words, but this time I could feel it. There does seem to be some sort of breakthrough happening to me emotionally and physically.

My wife is going to Magaluf in the new year, but I have decided to use this as a positive. Firstly because she is going on a girly holiday, which means that there is no-one else in her life at the moment. Secondly, I took the opportunity and offered to have the children when she goes away. Just to show there is no hard feelings and I actually encourage her to enjoy herself. I need to break down the concept that we are fighting each-other and try and create a notion of that we want the same things in life.

[Wedgewood]

Feeling really depressed today - for no apparent reason. As I have said, had a great weekend with the kids, yet today seems like a million years away from yesterday. Had some suicidal thoughts, but they were only passing. I'm not about to do anything silly, but just emphasizing how my mood has changed. I am considering taking some medication for my depression, but I dont want to rely on medication for the rest of my life. Still trying to remain positive, but sometimes I dont seem to get much of a choice. I am trying to remember the good times I had on the weekend, but all I can think about right now is my wife and how to get her back. I am starting to sound like a broken record. I know many of you have told me the best thing to do is sort myself out, so maybe I will make an appointment with my GP and get help for my depression - not just councilling, by medication too.

Still no sign of any money being transferred for this months mortgage, initially the payment was on the 3rd of the month but it seems to vary. Last month was the 6th - is this normal or is she messing me around?

Thanks

Mark x

[jellybean28]

Hi Mark

I also go from being OK (even happy) too feeling down for no apparent reason. My depression got so bad for a while at the begininng of the year that I had suicidal thoughts that scared the s@#t out of me. I knew I wouldn't do anything stupid, but saw my GP and worked out how to deal with it. So it would be good to see your GP, if medication is going to help you there is nothin wrong with that. Do you have a friend that you can call when you're feeling down? For me I phone a help line, they are really good, none judgemental, they just listen while you talk, it really does help.

What a great dad you are for doing the things you did with your kids yesterday, father and daughter cooking together whatever you made I would have given you a michelin star or too for being a great dad. :):):)

This time of the year can be hard in your situation. Can I suggest that you plan something for yourself a few days after the new year, that way you have something to look forward to and plan. It might be something as simple as a movie with or without the kids - with them it can help take their mind off Xmas. I borrow a kid or two just so I can go and see a kids movie as I often enjoy kids movies they make life seem less complicated for a while errm now my secret is out.

Can't think of what else I can suggest that may or may not help.
Keep posting and take one day at a time - and look after yourself, eat well, exercise, rest and ask friends for support, one day you may be able to offer help to them.

As for the money issue with your wife sorry can't help, having issues with my H on that one. :confused:

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the advice Jelly, it always helps me when I read your posts. I don't know what is wrong with me today, just seems like after such a good weekend I have to punish myself somehow, The time of year doesn't help, but I think its more frustration at the moment, I know how much I have changed in recent months, but I can't show it to my wife as she wont communicate with me. Deep down I feel that she may be totally isolating me because she still has feelings for me and she finds this the easiest method of dealing with things.

My problem is a catch 22 situation - I 'need' her to feel truly happy, yet I must show her that I am happy to have any chance of winning her back. I just don't get it - I know now she has/had her reasons for breaking up with me, which I could not see in the beginning. Now I realise what the problem was - I feel that I have won half the battle, but overcoming this illness when the thing you covet most wants nothing to do with you is nigh-on impossible. I won't give up though, I can't - just got to work out how to open communication again. I have to do it subtly and innocuously.

Got to look at myself also - lots of hard work ahead, maybe I am expecting things too soon.

Thanks again x

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Wedgwood - sorry you're having a 'Monday'. After your great weekend, it's natural to feel the slump when it's over ... Far from being a sign of depression, I think this is an indication that you're feeling a healthy range of emotions! Go you :D congrats on everything you achieved at the weekend. Give yourself a Monday treat, we all need them ... Xx

[Wedgewood]

Thanks - maybe I am being to quick to blame things on my depression and expecting too much from myself. I expect 'normal' people are happy all the time - when in fact this is probably not the case.

I will give myself a treat today - going to watch the DVD Raymond recommended Fireproof. He said that may help me and I'm all up for help at the moment :) A lazy day with a movie and a nice cup of tea sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

[Helen_uk]

Hi Mark.

You did really well at the weekend , feeling the range of emotions you're going through is pretty normal . Don't know what it's like where you are but it's wet, windy and Monday here...enough to make anyone feel down ! I do think you need to go back and talk to your GP though - and there is no shame in taking anti-dpressants short term if necessary. They can kick start a regime of getting better and these days they don't have to be a long term option.

As to the lack of forthcoming mortgage payment from your wife , that does need to be addressed so I think you're going to have to tackle her about it , especially as she's off on holiday soon . As you said , Christmas is coming and that's an expensive time for anyone with children... But not only that she has to honour her responsibilities even if that does interfere with her new lifestyle. If the tables were turned and it was you ( as a male ) withholding financial support the whole weight of her wrath ( and the law's ! ) would come down on you !

I'm not sure you need your wife to see you as being happy per se , it's more about letting her see that you're not going to beg and plead ... Difficult when that's what you feel like doing I know. It's also about her seeing that you're doing your best to sort out your own problems and letting her know the door is open for her if she chooses to communicate . I don't think you can realistically do more than that.

Sometimes though, if you act happy , over a length of time you become happy , kind of fools the mind into a different state and perhaps that's what you need to achieve .

As with anything, if you try to tackle it all at once it becomes an overwhelming task and then you just want to give up... So go at your own pace , share the load by posting here and getting support from friends and family if it's offered , ask if it isn't ...And allow yourself to know that your feelings are your own, are valuable and most of all you ARE allowed to have them !


Helen x

[Ageing Grace]

There was a saying when I was a kid: "If the sun never set, we wouldn't know how beautiful it is." Meaning: if you never had any downs, you wouldn't know you were happy!
Enjoy your day off :)

[Wedgewood]

Thanks all for your comments.

I know that my chances are slim with re-uniting with my wife, but if there is a chance then I want to do my utmost to maximise it. I don't think she is really looking to start a relationship with anyone yet, just enjoy herself and her freedom. The problem is I used to spoil a lot of her fun by getting tired/depressed whenever we went on a night out or had friends over for a BBQ or party. She is a bit of a party animal for want of a better expression and I have to somehow eliminate the idea that I would do the same thing again. I may be getting ahead of myself here, but the plan is to try softening her defenses by word of mouth from others such as my kids and mutual friends.

I have improved myself in many ways (image, domestication and to some extent happiness), I also put a lot more effort in with my kids than I used too. I just wish that she would allow herself to see all this, as I feel she is deliberately ignoring any good things she hears about me.

There are some positives - my dad and step-mum are still in contact with her (not regular, but they do speak/visit). A small crumb, but maybe something can come of this.

The other problem is now that I have recognised my depression as a large factor in us splitting (I still take the rest of the responsibility), I can't explain it to her. She must feel that when I used to spoil her fun it was aimed at her, but I was basically doing this sub-consciously. Really what I was doing was spoiling my own fun through her.

I am off now to try and draw some inspiration for myself and hopefully have a better day tomorrow. I'm going to hospital for another part of my MOT an ultrasound scan of my stomach. Again, once all physically possibilities are eliminated, and I know that the depression is causing my problems then it will be easier for me to tackle.

Thanks again all.

[Helen_uk]

That may be true Mark... but unless you were " spoiling her fun " deliberately then beating yourself up over it now won't help .

The truth is, nobody knows what the future holds and you have no way of knowing if your wife will ever want to come back or not. Meantime though life goes on, you have your lovely children . It's great that you're tackling your depression , not just for you but for your children too but I can't help thinking that if the only reason you do anything is so that your wife will hear about it , it just won't work . If she gets to hear about all the life changing things you've done then great but even if she doesn't then you've got to carry on and do it for you.

You could write her a letter and explain that you think your depression played a part in the marriage break up and say that you're doing everything you can to tackle it , but you have to prepare yourself for the fact she may not be interested. In your present state of mind could you handle that ? Seems to me you both had things going on that contributed to your split , the only way to fix that is if you both want to work to fix it. You can't do it alone.

It's coming up to an emotional time of year now and it's hard , sort of amplifies things I guess. get through that and things look brighter.

Take care.

Helen

[Wedgewood]

realise that my marriage cannot be fixed by myself, but I can dispel some of the problems that I have caused. I have no idea if my wife will ever forgive me, but the least I can do is try. I don't want to upset her anymore than I already have. She may well have closed her mind to me, but I know deep down inside me the person that she fell in love with is still there. I have been caged for too long by depression and am starting to live life the way I used to when I was a teenager. Helen, you are right, most of the things I do are not to help myself, but some are. I have to work on improving the percentages, so I can slowly but surely prepare myself for whatever the outcome is.

I have real difficulty in understanding how someone can go from loving you to not with out any real major events. I guess it was more of a gradual decline for her, but just maybe there is something left for me to work with.

I do feel a lot better now, well a lot better than this morning. I watched the fireproof video recommended by Raymond and found it quite inspiring. Although I am not a religious person, a lot of the story applies to my current situation.

I know there is no magic want to repair my marriage, but I cant help feeling there is some golden nuggets out there that I am missing. Maybe that is desperation, but I still keep looking.

I am not too sure about writing a letter - I wrote one before, basically saying I agreed with her decision to break-up and I held no grudges to her or her family. She started answering my messages more and even texting me about the kids (when she could have avoided it). Somehow I managed to blow it though, probably by putting pressure on her.

I need to back off if there is any chance of moving forwards, but I guess that is the most difficult part.

[Wedgewood]

Feeling a lot better today - must have been due to having a good cry yesterday watching Fireproof.It seemed go get some of the emotion out of me that has been bottled up.

Having said that, I still have the dilemma of no money for this months mortgage payment off my wife. I am going to check in the bank later to see if anything is visible down the wire, but have the feeling that nothing will be there. I will have to confront my wife over this, but I have no idea how to do it. If I knock the door she probably wont open it to me, if I ring she wont answer. If she does communicate I have no idea on what to say or how to say it. If you could suggest something then it would be much appreciated. I need to be firm, but I really don't want to fight or argue with her. It seems like every time I contact her it's bad news, I need to get out of this habit and get her wanting me to contact her.

Thanks in advance.

[Ageing Grace]

Write. Make it a flat, unemotional letter such as you might send to anyone who was late with a payment. Keep a copy.

I know you're still in a state of turmoil, Wedgwood, but you really do seem to be on more of an even keel just lately. Keep it up, it's working!

All the best,
AG :)

[Wedgewood]

Due to the lack of mortgage payment this month I have instructed my solicitor to send my wife a letter letting her know I will be returning to the marital home by the end of January. I can't take anymore, been bending over backwards to keep her sweet and its got me nowhere. She just keeps taking advantage of my good nature. Well Not anymore - time for some tough love.:)

[jellybean28]

Well done Wedgewood.

You are being more than fair by giving her until the end of January.
Going through your lawyer is a good idea, it shows your not going lay down and let her take advantage of you.

With your depression, I've just finished read a great book easy to read and in comic book format it's called "Taming the black Dog" by Bev Aisbett.
The authour is Australian, if you intrested and can't find a copy, I would be happy to send you one. For some reason I found it easy to relate to.

Be proud of yourself you really are doing well. :):)

[Wedgewood]

Ok bit of an update,

I rang my wife imidiately after getting of the phone to my solicitor. Told her I would be moving back in in January as she has defaulted on her part of the deal. Anyway, conversation was pretty short, but most annoyingly her signal must have been poor as she kept cutting out. I kept my cool throught the conversation, but she was getting irate. Made me feel as if I was in control for the first time.

2 minutes after the phone call her mother is on the phone (havn't heared off her in months). Anyway, she said 'just to let you know my wife is contacting the CSA and you will loose half your wages. Just warning you thats all.' I responded in the same controlled manner by saying 'yes that's fine and I expected it'. Then she starts saying stuff like ' I dont contribute to the kids' and 'She already has a rented house sorted'.

So thats it so far, I remained calm and got my message accross, but they both seemed to be loosing thier temper by the end of the conversation.

A letter from my solicitor will be with her shortly...

[Ageing Grace]

I love it when a worm turns :D

xxx

[Rothwell Benny]

Hi Wedgewood ive have been following your story with great interest has it has alot of similarities with whats gone on with my wife.

My wife left 6 months ago after a few months of problems she is also 32 & we have been together 13 years 9 married. I have suffered depression on & off for the last 3 & a bit years & most of that time she was very supportive. Ive always liked to socialise & have a drink with friends but this increased & got out of hand looking back i was doing this to block out the depression. Since shes gone my depression has got worse panic attacks anxiety etc.

My wife said it was not the the depression that drove her away if it was she would have gone 3 years ago but looking back it was a factor.

I also used to be in a pool team before i met my wife after reading your posts iam thinking about starting again but at the moment ive lost all interest in the things i enjoy doing they seem a chore.

Good luck i hope you come thru this has i hope i do because i know exactly what you are feeling iam stuck at the moment & the pain just wont go away.

[Wedgewood]

Benny,

Do yourself a favour and go out and start pool again. I am only 10% the player I used to be, but it's not about winning or loosing. Just use it as a tool to help yourself. I joned a team run by my cousin and when we used to play regular together he could not hold a candle to me, now he beats me regularly, but it makes me focus on practicing and not my problems. Sometimes it is hard to motivate myself to go out, but I cannot remember one time when I have regretted it. Sure, I have the odd half-hour when feel down, but there are some infectious characters in my team and I am sure it would be the same for you.

I am still a bit on edge about todays events and probably wont sleep that well due to my anxiety, but almost everyone I have told about me moving back in have said 'you are doing exactly the right thing'. Which is just the reassurance I need in these crazy times. I will probably sleep better than my wife though ;)

[Wedgewood]

I was thinking of texting/ringing her later to say that I will be moving in sooner than expected and I need a key ASAP. Also that I will offer her a 1 time only chance to meet in person beforehand and establish some ground rules. What do you think?

[Wedgewood]

Just left an answer message saying I would like my key today and if I dont hear anything by 1pm them I will change the locks and she can get her key off me. I have had enough now, time to play hardball.

I am sure she will give me as little cooperation as possible, but its time to take control of the situation. I just hope I am strong enough to cope.

[Ageing Grace]

At the moment, Wedgwood, you're doing an excellent job of treading the line of reason - in between acting vengefully and acting like a doormat!

Regarding the change of timescale: I guess it depends on a lot of variables, but don't insist if you're only doing it to prove a point. What does your solicitor think?

Obviously, if she's liable to trash the house or something you need her out yesterday ... If you really want to be home by Christmas, that puts a 10-day time limit in place ... and so on.

It's fantastic to see you acknowledging YOUR rights & wishes for a change! Well done you :)
Stay on that line of reason!

All the best,
AG x

[Wedgewood]

OK Here goes...

Had a text conversation with her regarding the key, she said I can have house and key next week. I got it in my head that I wanted it today, and took a locksmith to the house. He could not change locks because it was a 'dispute'. Anyway, my wife is moving 4 doors up the street. Had to put up with her family saying 'i'm throwing kids out before christmas' and 'i dony pay anything towards kids'. I tried not to let it bother me, but I am pretty cut up about it now.

Anyway, I have a gut feeling that wmy wife was moving out in january, but words hurt. and with my depression and anxiety it will take me a while to forgive myself.

[Ageing Grace]

OK. You flipped a bit - that's not a crime, it's a normal human error. You can always apologise for losing your cool. Just make sure you don't try explaining or anything! "I lost my cool, I'm sorry for the extra hassle" is enough :)

Next week is a good compromise. She'll have time to settle the kids in before Christmas and, as they're so nearby, it will be easier for you to see them - and to sort out your access.

Assuming you do pay towards the kids, those accusations may be like water off a duck's back :D Just accept that she's confused, angry and upset - people lash out when they feel like that, and say the wrong things (as you know, heh). So treat it for what it is ... an emotional thunderstorm, which really has very little do with you. Like a thunderstorm, the loud noises are only side-effects of electrical activity!

If it's hard for you to ignore the 'noises' & wait for them to pass, your counsellor can definitely help. Mine sorted me out for good - nobody can believe how calm I am now, in the face of verbal attacks ;)

So you're all good. Have a relaxed evening, Wedgwood.
AG x

[ken94]

Anyway, my wife is moving 4 doors up the street.

That is a sign !
Who wants to separate for good don't go next door. So she must be very lost and confused as AG said.

The thunderstorm in a great analogy.

[Wedgewood]

I don't know if it was clear ken, but she is moving 4 doors up from the marital home, not from where I live.

The trouble I have now is that I will have to give up my rented house and pay the mortgage on the marital house, and possibly move 4 doors away from her (and the kids).

Don't know if I am strong enough to cope with that.

[spiderman]

At least you may see more of the kids Wedgewood ???????????

Lee

[ken94]

Yes and she isn't clever enough to find out she moved away next door of the marital house ?

To me she hasn't made her mind up yet.

Personnaly I am moving and that's 1000kms from where I use to live and from her.
OK they are the kids but the town must be large enough so she could move further than that.

I seems you don't welcome this sign ?
Am I wrong to think that ?
Are you clear in your mind ?
The theme of your thread isn't it a sign to believe ?
Did you move away from this original thought ?

Ken

[Wedgewood]

Well I hope you are right ken, there is a part of me that says why move 4 doors up,but I dont want to read too much into it as I have had my fingers burned in the past doing the same thing. She has a lot of friends and family in the area so that could be the reason pure and simple.

One thing I would say is that when we had an argument on the doorstep, I had a feeling for a moment that there was some sort of connection. I cant really explain it, but she could have easily have gone inside and shut the door on me. Not sure of what to make of that if anything at all.

I am not giving up, but I also have to look at reality - she is moving out because I am moving in - if she wanted me they why move out? or maybe it is just too much too soon. I am so confused right now, I have to stand up for myself, but it seems I drive her further way. Maybe she thinks that I wont return to the house, I dont really know.

As expected depression is really giving me a bad time today. I feel dreadful after yesterdays incidents and feel that I have blown any miniscule chance I had, but almost everyone I speak to says I did the right thing - except for her family ofcourse.

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood,

Don't beat yourself up the incidents of yesterday try not to dwell on it too much easy to say I know.

Think of the positives you will be able to see more of your kids as they are only a few doors away. :)

By taking a stance your wife will see that you will not be used as a door mat, instead what she may see is that you are becoming solid and reliable, which is probably what she needs.

You are making progress, I noticed how you shared some good advice with Benny. ;)

[Wedgewood]

Been to the doctors today as depression/anxiety getting too much to cope with. As soon as I stick up for myself I beat myself back down. He put me on Anti-Depressant and Anxiety med Citalopram. Just been reading some forums and there can be some serious side effects over the first weeks. Hope it does not spoil my Christmas too much. Got to try and be positive, but I dont think I could live 4 doors away without medical help. I pray that it works.

[Ageing Grace]

Hi, Wedgwood. I'm glad you got some meds as they may help keep you on an even keel :)

Antidepressants take several WEEKS to start working, but Citalopram can reduce anxiety within a week or so.

Finding the right ones for you is a bit of a trial-and-error exercise, though the one you've got gives good results for most people. The only side effect you're likely to experience is feeling spaced out for the first few days.

Proven natural serotonin enhancers (as opposed to the ones you see advertised!) are celery, chicken, cocoa and - er, nicotine. There's a slight problem with the last one - best stick to chicken & celery soup, plus chocolate :p

Well done on facing up to it and going for help! Hope it helps you keep your cool. You ARE doing well, you know! Keep reminding yourself of the fact ...

All the best, Wedgwood.
AG

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the tips AG, I know a few people who take Citalopram so thats kind of reassuring.

Had a good chat with my parents yesterday and they both agree I have done the right thing (must be a first since they separated lol).

I still feel guilty and slightly sad about the hurtful words from my mother-in-law, but my dad has convinced me that things could not have worked out better.

He said 'What is so bad? you will be living 4 doors away from your kids so you can see them everyday. Sure things will be a bit frosty in the beginning with my wife, but you cant live that close and ignore eachother like you have been doing. I am not saying you will get back together, but you have not hurt your chances. You have shown her that you will not be messed around and when the dust settles, she will respect it - even if it does not lead anywhere.'

Hope the tablets have some effect before I have to move in (by end of Jan) as I dont think I could cope, but I must give the impression that everything is great and I am happy. Maybe decorating the house over the next few weeks will give me something to take my mind off things. I wonder what state the house will be in and if any of our mutual possessions will be left. Could be a hard time for me because my rental house is fully furnished and if she takes everything I will be starting from scracth - with no money.

Still... I am trying not to worry about things that I have no control over - that is half the reason why I am in this mess.

[Beahotwife]

Don't go at this alone...

[Beahotwife]

Midlife issues:
When they come they seem to arrive in waves! My husband and I separated for 7 months and it was the most difficult thing we've done.

Sometimes time away is a good thing to motivate a person to reflect and be more introspective. Be sure to stay in touch, give her space and when the time is right (especially for the kids) get together and openly discuss how life would be in the two paths before you.

Be open, non-judgmental and extremely honest. That is the only way to peace

I found this article helpful for me "What Women Want" http://bit.ly/qbJh1
Talk to a counselor, too. Ours was very helpful and focused on the individual in order for the couple to come together.

[Wedgewood]

Meds seem to be making me lethargic - but was in bed most of Friday so maybe not just the meds. I keep questioning myself, am I doing the right thing? Is it what is best for reconciliation?, I may never know, but I question myself all the same.

Got a meeting with my councillor on Tuesday and may ask to be referred for psychotherapy instead. I was getting better, but the events over the last few days have set me back a bit. Don't know if I can cope with living in such close proximity, if that is the way things turn out.

Mark x

[Ageing Grace]

As your dad pointed out, Wedgwood, you'll also be living in close proximity to your children! This has to be a good thing, surely?

:confused:

AG

[Wedgewood]

Starting to feel more optimistic about things. Firstly I will be living much nearer the kids so the contact will be much more regular and I will be able to offer them better support. Also, even though things will be frosty in the beginning, it will be nigh-on impossible for my wife and I to continue ignoring eachother. I dont want to rush things, especially given the fact she blames me for throwing her out of the house. If there is any chance it wont happen while we aren't communicating.

I think my meds are just starting to work - only been on them 4 days, but I can feel the edge coming off my nerves. This is just the start I hope, but the tingling I have in my hands and arms is definately calming down. I can still feel it, but it was almost unbareable at one stage.

Still trying not to read too much into my wife moving 4 doors away, but I have to try and use it to my advantage. It will be incredibly tough, but I said it wont be easy to get her back, and this is just another test.

Got to remember to work on myself too, but the problem is now I can't really drink on my meds as it nullifies the effects. So how to I enjoy myself now? well I will have decorating and christmas to keep my mind off things for a while at least :)

[ken94]

Mark,

It takes only one to make the relationship better in term of communication.
At some point one of you have to make the first step. And this means to be nice to the other one wahtever the answer of the other one. And this person will have to drop its ego and breakdown its wall.

My god my weekend was not easy but it was nice to make my Ex laugh and please her. She was nice to me too. But the tensions are still there because I love her still.

Ken

[Wedgewood]

Yes mate I will do that once the dust settles from the move.

I been thinking of sending her an anonymous bunch of flowers/balloons, something for Christmas. I don't think putting my name on it would be a good idea, but I just want her to feel special again. It's really difficult for me right now, two lots of emotions, but I have to do what it takes to make her happy again. I can only think that she avoids me deliberately because she still has feelings for me, whatever they may be. I have to reverse the trend somehow and reverse myself also. Life feels good today - I have no idea why :)

[ken94]

She will know the flowers are from you and from a woman perspective she won't like it especially if she knows it is from you.
And be prepared for the wors about the flowers ...

Mine went straight into the bin.
But because I have been consistantly nice to her and didn't say anything when I discovered the flowers in the bin then now I can give her some flowers and she won't put them in the bin.

I always let her know it was from me.

[Wedgewood]

Maybe the flowers were a dumb idea. I just wish she would communicate with me, but after recent events things could be setback a while. Trying hard not to give up hope, but things dont look so good at the moment.

There must be something still inside her, but if it ever comes to the surface again god only knows. I got to make myself stronger mentally and prepare for the move. Got a councilling session tomorrow and hopefully that will help.

[Ageing Grace]

I agree the flowers probably aren't the best idea, Wedgwood - I didn't want to knock you back, but am relieved Ken advised against it.

Gifts like that come from somebody you're already seeing - or someone who wants to be with you. I realise you see yourself as the latter, but the fact is you're her estranged husband. Flowers are inappropriate unless she's in hospital.
The other category of senders is creepy stalkers :eek: - and they send gifts anonymously!!

The only sane & rational route for you to take is the path of self-enhancement, Wedgwood. Please carry on making your efforts to improve your life, your outlook and your sense of perspective :)

Thinking up ways to influence your wife is distracting, pointless, and - it could be said - interfering / controlling. If she wants to reconcile with you, it will be her free choice and it will be because you're a sane, healthy & positive individual.

I'm worried about seeming harsh with you, Wedgwood, as I know you're emotionally fragile. Just, please, focus on adding shine & brilliance your own life - and spread that goodness around you. I hope your counselling session goes well!

All my best,
AG

[Wedgewood]

Ok thanks AG point taken. You are right, I am fragile at the moment, but your words always help. Don't worry about tiptoeing around me, just say what you feel. I may be on edge right now, but far from falling of it. I got to learn to influence myself rather than anyone else, but I cant help feeling down, The meds are definately helping with my anxiety, but not yet the depression.

I hope things dont turn nasty living in such close proximity, and I will do everything in my power to avoid confrontation. The trouble is my wife will probably think it is 'funny' to play silly games when she has been drinking. I just got to try and keep a level head and focus in the right direction.

Mark x

[ken94]

"I hope things dont turn nasty living in such close proximity."

If you think that it isn't good like the sport guy who thinks he is going to fall .... and ... he falls.

Just try to be nice whatever happens. I slept in my cars many nights outside her door to see my kids and even for Christmas she told me to but had a second thought and I slept inside her house. I always kept a kind of happy face. I was always nice to her. People can say I was a doormat but I feel so great about it looking back.

You will have some blow from her but always keep in mind to be nice to her. Even when you argue be nice. So when you argue don't accuse her or other ... please be prepared ... read a book about how to argue, how to express difficult feelings and it helps and it works ...
Do your work.

As well if you want a chance to her come back, she won't if she see you sad. But if she does that is pity. So she has to come back for the right reasons because you're happy.
As we say, a woman you make laugh is a step closer to your bed !
:-)
I made my ex laugh this weekend ! Not to get her in bed but how good it is to have a laugh with the one you love !
Sure at the begining you were laughing quite a lot I bet.

Keep faith.
Courage !

Ken

[ken94]

"The trouble is my wife will probably think it is 'funny' to play silly games when she has been drinking."

What do you mean ?

[Wedgewood]

Well do things like let my tyres down on the car or that sort of thing. Maybe she wont, but I dont think she will take me moving back into the house lying down. There will be some sort of fallout I am sure. Maybe I am misjudging her, but at the moment I think she is going to be very bitter.

The bitterness is an emotion that I could possibly handle, being indifferent with me would be awful. I read somewhere that hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. Hate implies there is still emotion involved.

[Ageing Grace]

Well do things like let my tyres down on the car or that sort of thing.

Good lord, how old is she??!

[Wedgewood]

33, but I know her and it will stick in her throat to think I have the upper hand with anything. Trouble is I am fully prepared to be adult and proper about things, but by the way she has behaved during this breakup I dont hold much hope of that being mutual. Don't forget this is a person who has refused to communicate or meet with me, and avoids me at all costs. I don't know for sure if this is the way she will react, but it would not suprise me.

Just got out of my penultimate session with my councillor. She seemed concerned for me over the recent events and moving myself into a 'dangerous' environment. Every time I leave a session my confidence increases and my purpose becomes more clear.

Still feeling tired, my medication has improved my anxiety but I have lost my nervous energy because of it. Now the depression is taking over and hopefully in a few weeks the meds with effect that too.

Mark x

[Wedgewood]

Supposed to be having the key back today from my wife. Rang her solicitor (we agreed the key would be dropped off there) and they know nothing of the arrangement. I also text her saying 'rang the solicitor but no key, what is happening' but no response...

I know events over recent days have obviously upset the applecart, but I find it really difficult to understand why she is behaving like this, like she is bitter, like I have wronged her. I don't get it, am I missing something? Why make every little thing awkward if this is what you want?

I expect I will have to break the door in to get access to the house. Another expense which I cannot afford, more money that will come out of the christmas present pot. How am I supposed to explain to my kids that my wife didnt pay me the money and therefore you have no presents?

[Helen_uk]

The whole thing seems totally unacceptable to me. I know you don't want to inflame the situation and are doing your best not to upset your wife but I think the financial aspects need to be put on a legal footing.

Basically Mark, from where I'm standing, she's playing you for a fool and you are in danger of becoming her doormat...That doesn't seem like a good basis for getting a marriage back together .

Sorry if that sounds harsh but the more I hear the more angry it makes me feel...

Helen

[Wedgewood]

What action would you advise Helen? Was thinking of going around her new house later and asking for the key face to face, If she refuses then contacting my solicitor in the morning.

How does that sound?

[Helen_uk]

To be honest Mark, I'm wary of advising anything because I know you're not in the best place emotionally and could do without the added hassle , I also know you don't want to rock the boat with her...

However, from what I can see she is not being fair or adult about things and one of you has to be.. for the sake of the children if nothing else.

If it were me I'd start being firm whilst remaining pleasant but also letting her know things can't continue this way . The whole thing started with her saying she couldn't do this any more.. maybe you should now echo this and start laying down a few rules of your own.

I'd start with a message to her saying you'll be round to pick up the key at a certain time, give her an hour or so to respond and if you don't get a reply, contact your solicitor and see what your legal rights are , inform her you're doing so. If she gives you the chance, then explain that whilst you've done everything in your power to make life easy for her , you're now at breaking point financially and she's left you with no choice... in person would be best , but if she won't talk to you , then do it by text or voicemail.

I really don't know Mark, the situation is frustrating and she seems determined to turn you into the " bad guy ". Your feelings for her put you in a very vulnerable position .

[Wedgewood]

I dont want to ruin my chances, but maybe the key is getting her to respect me again. If she thinks of me as a doormat then that will never work for me. I will try being firm and fair, but I have my doubts. Emotionally I am not in a good place, but if I have a 'plan' then that will help to keep me focused.

Any ideas how to get her to respect me again? I have nothing to lose at the moment so suggest away :) My emotions are brittle, but I am determined to win this battle.

[Helen_uk]

I think you've just said it yourself.... Be fim but fair.

Pretty much all the way through this, you've bowed to her wishes to try to not upset her. Where has that got you ? From what you've described , your wife is not emotionally very mature. So you have to be.

Start laying out a few demands of your own, be pleasant but let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the way it is...Going back on agreements i.e saying you can have the key and then not producing it.. just isn't an option.

Once you're back in the house make it clear she's welcome anytime...but playing mind games isn't going to happen. If you bump into her be friendly but reserved . I think she needs to see you in a different light.

In other words. Don't take any crap !

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the tips. I was thinking along those lines but my emotional involvement was preventing me. I am at the stage now where I have nothing to lose, so it has got to be worth a shot. I may even feel better about myself in the long run whatever happens.

Thanks again

Mark x

[Wedgewood]

Shock horror - Just had a call from my wifes solicitor and the keys are there waiting to be picked up. I am amazed if things are that simple, probably find that the house is thrashed or something,... Anyway a step in the right direction!

[Helen_uk]

Well done Mark....... Lets hope things turn out better than expected !

[Wedgewood]

My mother has been to collect the keys as I would not make it from work in time. Will post later the assessment of the house, as you say - lets hope there is something left for me to start from x

[Helen_uk]

Think positive as they say ( or hope for the best and expect the worst ! ).

[Wedgewood]

Went to the house and as expected almost everything is gone. All that was left is the boiler, cooker and an old TV. All the kids stuff (beds, toys, electrical equipment) is gone, along with the furnature from my bedroom, all the furnature from downstairs (leather sofa etc) as well as the electrical stuff (dishwasher, washing machine, dryer).

So basically starting from scratch. I have little or no possesions at the moment so I have to build them up over the next few weeks. It will be a case of beg, steal and borrow as there is no money in the pot. One option is to remortgage and generate some funds, but not sure how that works legally. Maybe a good idea to ring my solicitor tomorrow.

I still want her back though - I must be some sort of idiot. Most people would not want to set eyes on her again. I am nit that bothered though. I understand taking the kids stuff, the only thing I am annoyed about is the dishwasher - I hate dishes!

[Ageing Grace]

Mark, have you heard of freecycle? http://freecycle.org - find your local group and sign up.
Also, I got my dishwasher from a local search on ebay (£60).

Good luck!

AG

[Wedgewood]

I have heard of Freecycle, but it all seems like too much trouble right now. I suppose I should contact my solicitor and make a list of all the items that are missing, but I am not sure if it is worth it. I can't let her win, yet I can't see what good all this is doing. It is just making matters worse, I think she will hate me forever.

I got to snap out of this thinking, but it is just so hard... I said it would be difficult and it certainly is!

[Helen_uk]

Mark... you can't live in an empty house so I'm afraid you're going to have to draw on any energy you can find or enlist the help of people to do it...

Signing up for free cycle is easy , just takes a quick yahoo search and a sign up. Try preloved too for second hand furniture , some good bargains to be had and you can set search to local area first . www.preloved.co.uk . Takes a couple of minutes to join.You can place an ad for the things you need or just search for items you want. See if there is an emmaus in your area , they sell goods that have been donated and the money raised helps out homeless people...

Ebay is worth a look too....... I know it's difficult when you just want to slink into bed and pull the covers over your head... but you can't do that til you've bought one !

You knew it wasn't going to be easy and it isn't... time to find some fighting spirit .
x

[Raymond]

I wouldn't recommend a second mortgage in this day an age. Better not to borrow. You'll be surprised what bargains are around with a little patience. Right now think camping, Lilo, sleeping bag, campstove. Don't get down. Think adventure.

Raymond

[spiderman]

Also Mark dont buy a 2nd hand mattress.....you dont know what trials and tribulations have happened on it .... lol

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the advice. It is going to be really tough, but I have to stand on my own 2 feet someday. I think one of the issues with my wife is that I was too reliant on her, so showing I can cope on my own will be a bonus. Again, I think of her over myself, got to stop that.

I am going to try and join a group therapy session in my area so I can get out and meet people as well as get some of lifes porblems off my chest. Still dont know what to do about the possessions, I think I will ring my solicitor and see what they advise.

Mark x

[Helen_uk]

You could try the solicitor ( maybe already have ? ) , I'm not sure what your legal standing would be on this.

I think perhaps you need to try and break down the problems into smaller bites... Think about what you need urgently ( i.e something to cook with / somewhere to sleep etc ) and deal with these first .

Do something about the things you CAN do something about and try not to fret too much about the things you can't or it will all get overwhelming and you won't cope.

A group therapy session ( or anywhere you can get support and get your feelings out ) sounds like a good idea to me ... I've been known to phone The Samaritans when I was at rock bottom, and just being able to talk without fear of judgement helped me get my head straight.... You can get through this.
x

[Ageing Grace]

Just backing Helen up here, Wedgwood. Samaritans are a godsend when you feel like you can't cope. I've rung them at really bad times, too. It's funny how just talking, to someone with no opinions about what you should do, can help you get back up again!

A new mattress, a duvet and a kettle would be my first purchases. Good luck :)

AG

[Ageing Grace]

I think she will hate me forever.

Wedgwood, she's not exactly acting in your best interests right now.

How much more could she hate you??? :eek:

As much as you believe you want your marriage back, you have nothing to lose right now by demanding some of your stuff back. This is ridiculous.

She's not just taking the p*, she's taking every single thing she can get away with. You need to make sure she doesn't also get what little remains of your pride, sanity and health.

(Obviously I'm not in Samaritans mode today!)

Buy & borrow some basics to keep yourself comfortable. Eat a large, hot meal for your strength. Talk to some friends, and a Samaritan if you still need more listening-to. Then talk to your lawyer.

YOU MATTER!! Take care of you.
(Or I'll be round to sort you out :p)

AG

[Helen_uk]

And I'll be joining you AG !

[Wedgewood]

I think what I will do is make a list of all the stuff that was taken and put an estimated value of it all. Tell my solicitor about it, then see what she recommends.

The nearest group therapy is a 20 minute drive away and is on a Tuesday when I have the kids, so it doesn;t look possible at the moment. What I may do is have my mum look after them once and give it a try, if I think it will be benifical, get the day changed when I have them.

As far as you two comming around to 'sort me out' is that a promise? :D

Mark x

[spiderman]

Mark you have pulled :D:D:D

Brace yourself.....:eek:

[Helen_uk]

It's more of a threat than a promise Mark... hehehe .

See ? You're already starting to regain control and think straight . Brilliant ! I'm proud of you lad !

My nan always said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... by the end of this you'll be ready to enter the world's strongest man competition !
x

[spiderman]

by the end of this you'll be ready to enter the world's strongest man competition !
x

Not when you two have finished with him he wont.....:eek::rolleyes::D;)

Lee

[Wedgewood]

LoL somehow things seem on the up already!

x

[Ageing Grace]

Trust me, Mark, you wouldn't like it :p

On the other hand, if we can make you laugh that's a win all round!
Great to see that sense of humour showing up again :D

Gudonya!!
AG x

[Wedgewood]

Had a good look around the house earlier and the enormity of the situation really hit home. It will take me several months to transform the house into a suitable living place. She took everything, even the lightbulbs lol

Managed to negotiate with my mortgage provider a zero payment for Jan so at least I can have a little financial breathing space. I just dont get it, she doesn't seem any happier to me now than before we split up and yet she is treating me like I got caught with my trousers down. She just seems so bitter, but she don't care about hurting me at the moment. Still, if I can come through this I will come through anything.

My solicitor said I have 2 options when it comes to the contents of the house that are missing 1) make a list of what is gone and argue the toss for it or 2) buy new stuff and keep the bills, which will be taken into account when any capitol is due to be paid on selling the house.

There doesnt seem to be a clear choice as both have advantages, but either way I have to show her that I am not going to be messed around with anymore!

Sorry to put a downer on the thread - I was quite enjoying the light-hearted banter!

Mark x

[Ageing Grace]

Nah, you're showing a bit of focus now, Mark - it's quite a relief to see it!

As you're going to need 2 houses furnished by the end of all this, the choice is really whether you get all new stuff - or you each have half new, half old. She probably didn't think of that when she decided to make a point by taking everything!

So why not go for buying new things, which you'll be happy to live with for a long time. You'll still have to budget, as it costs a fortune to buy the whole lot from new (lucky the sales are coming along!). But you can still furnish the place adequately for now, and maybe add a few things each month.

Have you managed to borrow what you need immediately? Where are you going for Xmas?

Chin up ;)

xx

[Wedgewood]

I havn't got anything yet, but got my mother on the case. She is a bit of a wheeler-dealer so it should not take too long. Got to toughen up a bit as it was quite emotional when I returned to the house again yesterday. It will be a bit of a mammoth task to start from virtually zero, but I will try and look on it as not only a challenge, but also a learning experience.

I am going to my brothers for xmas dinner (a 3pm) but dont have any arrangements for the morning. My dad alwys goes on holiday with my younger brothers and sisters (I am one of 7 kids), so it looks like 'It will be lonely this Christmas' unless I can arrange something soon. I am not to bothered about it at the moment, but that will probably change when the time comes. 'Luckily' because I have had a lot of time off work for medical/personal reasons I have to work over the Christmas period, so I wont have too much time to dwell on it. The only real trouble is I could use a few days to really get the ball rolling with the move.

Mark x

[Wedgewood]

Just phoned my solicitor and told her to send a letter to my wife telling her about how I plan to refurbish the house and settle up when the house is sold. Was going to start moving my meager possessions today, but I think the snow has taken care of that! I'll probably just box some stuff and mentally prepare myself.

[Helen_uk]

Sounds like a good plan to me...

We've had our first dumping of snow tonight... of course I'd planned to do the rest of the food shopping tomorrow ! I hate the stuff.. I know it's seasonal and great for the kids, but I always feel hemmed in !

Don't work too hard over Christmas and look after YOU.

Helen x

[Wedgewood]

I will be working hard unfortunately. Got to sort out the move, decorate, and also work, as I have had too much time off with hospital/counseling. I have my last session tomorrow, which will be a bit of an eye-opener. I think some sort of review will be done, and hopefully a plan will be made for me to follow.

I dont have many presents for my kids to open, but I can't bring myself to tell them. I have to try and do some last minute shopping or maybe give them some cash. I'm not exactly sure what my wife is buying. Got to knuckle down and get myself back on track, had a few lazy days recently and slipped back a bit. My mood seems ti be a lot more stable now I am on the meds, but no real increase in 'happiness'. My anxiety is almost gone, which is making me feel tired. Got to find the energy to do all the tasks over Christmas, but motivation is a real issue. Seems strange to say as I know it is something I want to do, but it all seems like too much work.

[Helen_uk]

Mark.... it actually is a lot of work so don't beat yourself up.Try and break things down into small bits and decide what's urgent,what's necessary and what can wait.

Can't recall how old your children are but if they are young then they'll have fun with any small bits you buy and if they're older just be honest and tell them money is tight. Giving gifts doesn't have to be a competition and children come to no harm by realising that from a young age... mine had to !

Why do you have to decorate right now ? Can it not wait a few weeks ? As to moving back in...there are a few things that are essential , something to cook with and eat and drink from and somewhere to sleep / keep warm etc... Most of the rest can wait til you can afford it and even then doesn't have to cost the earth... Try to summon up a little anger over it rather than getting down, anger can be a great motivator !

Use your last counselling session as a starting point rather than an ending. Try to take what you learn from it and keep applying it and if necessary see what other free or cheap counselling services are available in your area.. I found one that worked purely on charitable contributions and they were really good... at the end of the session they gave you an envelope and you out in what you could afford, there was no pressure from them and although they worked from a church they didn't use any form of religious counselling and you didn't have to be a christian to use them. I found them by searching online.

It's also important, even though you will be busy at work , that you take some time out to rest and relax and don't put yourself under undue pressure to " get things done ". Enlist the help of anyone who's willing and try to keep a bit of a social life going if you can. Staying home alone isn't healthy !

Take care and chin up.

Helen x

[jellybean28]

Hi Wedgewood

Helen has given you some great advice couldn't have put it better myself.

:):)

[Wedgewood]

Thanks both, it is truly great advice and I will do my best to follow it. When I read the post it made a lot of sense, but the difficulty will be carrying it out. I will of course endeavor to stick with the program, but I have a tendency to put a lot of pressure on myself. I will use your words to comfort myself over what may be a difficult time. It should be about having fun and spending some quality time with the kids - I will try and remember that too :)

[Wedgewood]

OK - had a bit of a mad rush of blood yesterday. Went to the local mobile phone dealer and signed a new contract for £30/month, which came with a new phone and Playstation 3. It was the only way I could afford to give my boys something reasonable for Christmas. I know that in the long run it will work out expensive, but I had to do something. Usually I would run a mile from this sort of thing, but needs must.

Maybe I will e-bay the phone to recover some of the money and carry on using my 'brick'.

So at least for the moment I feel better about Christmas, but we will see how things work out in the long run :)

[Helen_uk]

I did the same last year to get a laptop.. although I did actually need mobile broadband ( well I convinced myself I did :-) ) > Needs must sometimes ( even though we KNOW we shouldn't ) so don't feel too bad about it !

If you can sell the phone to recoup some money then great, if not then look on it as a treat for yourself... And yes Mark you DO deserve one !!

Helen

[spiderman]

Mark dont beat yourself up about it mate...just enjoy the phone as well as the kids enjoying the PS-3.

Lee

[Wedgewood]

Had my last session with the councilor who was very encouraged by my progress. She seemed genuinely pleased for me, and I was surprised when she listed the steps I had taken recently. I think I have detected a change within myself, especially with my attitude towards my ex.

Yesterday I text her asking what time on xmas will I be having the kids, but up until now there has been no response. Usually this would have worried me a great deal, but I have hardly thought about it. I will however text her again soon, and if I dont hear anything back by 12:00 I will go down her house and sort it out face to face. I am not going to let her get away with things like this, its pure childishness and bitterness. The kids will suffer as much as me, and I must protect them and be there for them, even if she is their mother.

[Wedgewood]

Update: She replied to my text, I will be having the kids at 4pm - suits me fine. Maybe she just wanted to jerk me around a bit, but maybe her conscience got the better of her - I dont know and dont particularly care anymore, As long as I can seem my kids, or more importantly - they can see me.

[Helen_uk]

She can only get her kicks from "jerking you around " if you react. As it's Xmas lets give her the benefit of the doubt. You get to see the kids and they get to see you.

Have a great time tomorrow, relax and enjoy.

Merry Christmas.

Helen x

[Wedgewood]

She can only get her kicks from "jerking you around " if you react.

I did react a little yesterday, turns out I could only have the kids for 2 hours. My daughter got a little upset when I said I would be taking them back late as she thought my wife would blame her. I felt terrible, but decided to take them back on time. This kind of worked in my favour as my 2 boys wanted to stay with me, but they knew it was not my fault they had to go back so soon. I dont want to use the kids against her, but the point I am making is they will be itching to come back and see me, rather than wanting to go home.

Christmas went as well as could be expected. The only real problem was my wife got my one son the same present as me - due to lack of communication. I have told him he can exchange it for something else, so no harm done - just it was completely avoidable.

Anyways, a belated merry Christmas to you all!

Mark x

[Helen_uk]

Hi Mark,

I'm sorry to hear you only saw your kids for such a short time yesterday . I guess that's better than not at all though.. Did your W have a genuine reason ( i.e had made arrangements to go visit family ) or do you think she was just being controlling or vindictive ? If it's the latter then maybe it's time to sort out some legal access arrangements ?

You're right though, your kids will respect you for acting like an adult and not making an issue out of it, and WILL be dying to spend time with you. Kids are pretty savvy creatures ! I think you behaved remarkably well !

Had I known, you could have borrowed my kids... but at 20 and 26 you'd have soon sent them back lol. They are basically human eating machines !

I felt quite sad myself yesterday , I'm not an Xmas lover and for some reason this year got a little nostalgic.. but hey it's over now and a whole new year beckons.

Lets hope we all have a good 2010.

Helen x

[Wedgewood]

I'm not sure what the reason was for the kids having to go back so early, but according to them they had to 'move all their presents upstairs into the bedrooms'. Sounds pretty lame to me, but I took the high ground and let it slide in the end.

Had a great few days with and without the kids. I am really bonding with them now since my meds have kicked in. They are opening up to me a lot more and also there is a closeness that seemed to be missing. My eldest who is 11 is at that age where it is not cool to show affection, but even he put his arms around me and gave me a big hug in a room full of people. I don't know if I am just noticing these things more, or they have genuinely changed, but there is definitely an improvement.

Also I am almost nonchalant about moving 4 doors away from the ex now, somehow it doesn't seem to matter anymore. Maybe I am kidding myself a little, but compared to a few weeks ago I could not care less. I have a feeling that she may come to her senses soon, whilst I don't mean a reunion, but more her growing up and being a lot more mature about the situation. It will be hard for her to ignore me when the children are running back and forth between the houses.

Anyway, thats enough about her - I am thinking of me now and what I want :D

Mark x

[jellybean28]

HI Mark

Sorry you only got to see your kids for a short time on Christmas day.
Still it seems like you handled the whole situation really well, be proud of yourself Mark, it takes courage and strength to handle a situation like that so well.

Hope 2010 is a good year for all of us

Gillian :)

[Wedgewood]

Thanks for the encouragement Gillian :)

Started to decorate the old marital home a few days ago. It is amazing what you can do in a short space of time with a few tins of paint. I found the process very therapeutic. It was almost as if I was erasing my old memories/lifestyle with each stroke of the brush. I plan on doing a major overhaul of the house, but due to the financial constraints it will just be painting and wallpapering at the moment. Eventually I may have to sell the house anyway, but I need to do this for several reasons. Firstly the house is in desperate need of a facelift (something I neglected), but also to prove to myself that I can do it. I can turn my hand to most things, but never really had the desire to when it comes to DIY. Even though it is not my motivation any longer, I think my wife will be surprised by my approach. I know I got to think about what I want (which I have not started), but my mind does wonder sometimes about her and what she thinks of the whole scenario. I know the house she has moved into needs some work (which I dont intend to do!), but maybe it will be another small chip into the iceberg if she realises I am not the lazy bum I used to be! (even if it was being caused by depression)

Wish you all a happy and prosperous new year x

Mark

[Helen_uk]

That's good news Mark. You're starting to look forward .... it's a step in the right direction . Quite difficult to achieve at this time of the year too... So a gold star for you my boy !

Decorating is hard work but soothing on the mind and once you're done you'll feel like you're getting somewhere !

A new year beckons and I truely hope your 2010 brings some happiness back into your life.

x

[Wedgewood]

I am starting to notice that my happiness is increasing. I had an appointment with the doctor yesterday, in which he asked me how the medication was going. I responded by saying it was helping with the anxiety, but not the depression. He said what do your family think of your mood since you been on the meds as they are the best judge? My mother has already commented that I appear to be improving and getting back to my old self, and today I am starting to believe it.

I didn't find the whole Christmas thing too bad to be honest, but I did stay up my mums on 24th so that helped. The doctor also pointed out if I can get though this time of year with no major setbacks then this can only be good for the future :)

Mark x

[Helen_uk]

Exactly Mark.. The fact that you've gotten through Christmas with no major problems means you're on the mend emotionally.. Helped by the meds no doubt but hey , that's what they're for !

You've kept busy, which is always good. You've been adult when your W tried to play you, you've seen your kids , gotten started on improving your home... all in all you've done an excellent job.

It can take up to 6 weeks for meds for depression to kick in properly as I'm sure you've been told. But you don't wake up one morning and it's all better , it's gradual ... which means you're already getting there .

Reading back through your posts I can see the more positive you coming out...This site makes a good journal I find.


There may be set backs along the way but don't let them get you down too much, just accept they happen, and keep going forward.

I'd give you a hand with the painting but I'm dangerous with a paint brush hehehe.
x

[Ageing Grace]

Mark, you're brilliant :p

It's great to hear your mum's noticing an improvement - mothers usually pick up on how we're feeling, so you can trust her opinion!

As Helen told you, recovery may be a bit up-and-down. But the overall trend will be 'up' and you're already well on the way :)

Wishing you a peaceful few days, and a not-too-bad New Year ..
AG x

[Wedgewood]

Well I am no Picasso either :) but I think because there is no real time-frame for the work, there is no pressure. One of my flaws is to put a lot of pressure on myself, which adds to my anxiety, but I am now concious of this. All these small details seem to be adding up into a general improvement in my happiness and quality of life. Once the decorating is finished and the move is completed, I will start running again as I promised. This will help me feel good about myself physically and mentally. Still, lets not get carried away - one step at a time.

Mark x

[Helen_uk]

It's more body ( hands , face , hair and anything that sticks out lol ) painting than wall painting when I wield a paintbrush !!

Pressure... yep I know that feeling, I was brought up to be " responsible " . Always stressed myself out to keep up to my own ( and ex husband's ) standards...I learned the hard way that it does you no good long term.

Recognising your own freaks and foibles is a good start to sorting them out .

Good luck with the running.. I find lifting me tea cup is quite exhausting enough these days lol.
x

[Wedgewood]

MMMMMMM Tea - I would do almost anything for a nice cuppa right now. Being stuck in work is bad enough, but the instant tea is unbearable. Time to buy a flask me thinks :)

[jellybean28]

Hi Mark
Re painting your house is a good move, helps you to move on and if things turn out differently for you, a freshly painted house gives you a new start.
Instant tea, wow I haven't seen it for years. Will have to look in the supermarket tomorrow to see if they still sell it here. Not that I will buy some if I remember it tasted terrible.
Yep go and get yourself a flask and some tea bags, now remember just fill the flask up with hot water, milk and sugar if you take it. Put in a tea bag after you've poured the water into your cup otherwise it will be really stewed and instant tea will taste like nectar lol.

BTW enjoy the running, I feel guilty now as I started getting up early in the morning and going for a walk/run while its still cool, have been really slack in the last couple of weeks, so thanks for the reminder.

Off to make a cuppa, who wants one?

[Wedgewood]

Milk 1 sugar please.

[jellybean28]

No problem,

Would you like a couple of biscuits with it too?

[Helen_uk]

Tea... I'm awash with the stuff ! It's my universal panacea !

If I HAVE to have tea in a flask I just take a flask of hot water... otherwise it tastes rank !

If there's biscuits going jb can I have a custard cream please ? :-)

[Wedgewood]

Custard Creams mmmmm now you are talking :) My mouth is watering already.... I will bake some Welsh cakes too :)

[Helen_uk]

Oooo I've never tried Welsh cakes Mark.... What's in them ? And if you're baking I fancy a nice apple crumble... Comfort food, it's dismal out . All this food though, you're going to need to run twice as far lol.
x

[Wedgewood]

Ingredients:

* 8 oz/ 225g self rising flour
* 4 oz/ 100g butter
* 3 oz/ 75g fine or caster sugar
* 3 oz/75g mixed currants and sultanas
* 1 tsp mixed spice
* 1 large egg, beaten
* A pinch salt
* A little milk to blend
* Rind of half a lemon, grated

Thats basically it, but I eat mine with no currants - its basically a scone :)

[Helen_uk]

Scones... yum ! I do prefer mine without currants though ( and with clotted cream and jam lol ) My hips are sighing at the very thought ! Making my stomach rumble though hehehe.

I'm going in search of the kettle and the biscuit barrel now . No instant tea here !
x

[jellybean28]

Custard creams for you Helen.

Mark I'm impressed with a man who makes Welsh Cakes, now if you can make a Bakewell tart I would have to do some serious exercise :D

Goodness Mark with all this baking for Helen when are you going to get time to paint?

I'm off now I have to get up early in the morning for a walk
:):):)

[Wedgewood]

The painting can wait :) entertaining and socialising is much more important!

[Helen_uk]

I don't think he's baking for me jb.. I think he's taking requests lol.. Get your order in early before he goes back to the painting ;-)

[Wedgewood]

I am debating what to do when I get home from work - Either paint the house or watch 'house' :) I'm up to the begining of series 5 at the moment and it's gripping me. I know the painting needs to be done, but I just dont feel up to it today. Maybe I will be kind to myself and have an evening off :)

[Helen_uk]

Watch House.. definitely . I love a good medical puzzle myself . The painting will still be there tomorrow !

[Wedgewood]

I ended up doing the painting - I know watching TV would have been a nice treat for myself, but I decided it is best to do the decorating whilst I have the bug (and also an empty house!). I am really glad I did, I feel content this morning with my efforts yesterday and the Hall/Stairs/Landing is almost finished. The difference is quite striking as soon as you enter the house.

Going to take the next day or so off to have some time to myself. I may do the odd bit here and there - but if I have learned anything from you lot it is to be kind to myself :)

Hope you all have a great new years bash (quiet or not :) ) and I wish you all the best for the future!

Mark x

[Ageing Grace]

Thank you, Mark. You're motivating me to finish my decorating!

I'm staying in tonight, Jools Holland is going to bring loads of musical geniuses over to play in my living room :D Hope everyone has a warm & fuzzy New Years Eve ... bring on 2010!

love,
AG

[Wedgewood]

I have watched many Hootenanny's in my time - might do it again tonight. I love live music so it could be on the cards, I haven't seen the line-up though.

Maybe I will go out for a few quiet ones this evening and come back to watch Jools, sounds like a plan, but knowing me, my plans always go a bit wonky :D

[Helen_uk]

Quiet night in for me and my partner tonight . My son's have gone home now and will be out partying no doubt ... Ah the joys of youth !

I'm happy to toast the new year in with a glass of something tasty in front of the TV and look forward to Saturday... when the world regains some normality !

Here's to 2010 .. whatever it may bring.

[jellybean28]

Hope you have a great night Mark and Helen.

I've just got back from the pub with a friend, had to leave early coz she had night shift. Still we got hit on a by a couple of young men, if only my son wasn't their age and I wasn't so conservative. :rolleyes:

Oh well, I'm happy and had a good time, great chinese meal and maybe a bit much wine.
Enjoying a coffe a some chocolate, will be off soon to watch the fireworks from around the country on TV

Here's to a fantastic New Year.
Be safe, well and may 2010 be the start of new things to come
Chin Chin Gillian

[Helen_uk]

Happy New Year to you Gillian.

Go girl ! I'm so glad you had a great time... Onwards and upwards into 2010 !
x

[Wedgewood]

Hope you all had a great New Years - mine was :)

Went over to my sisters local for a few (at 4 in the avo) and ended up staying till 23:30. I was a little worse for wear by then :D, but was still coherent enough to play pool. I surprised the locals by beating tiher entire pool team 3 time in a row! My practice is starting to pay off. I was a little embarrassing though, they kept calling some guy from the lounge to play me who is apparently the best player in the pub. I kind of felt sorry for him in a way because after beating him 4 times I decided to stop and go on the karaoke (something I am not so good at!). Still it was nice to have some people appreciate me for a few hours, I taught them as much as I could about pool after several hours drinking!

Yesterday was also good - went to my local for a few drinks and socialise with my pool team. think I am starting to fit in now, well not as isolated as I felt in the beginning anyway.

Going to do some decor this afternoon and then I have the kids at 6 - keeping busy is also helping. I haven't had a bad day for a few weeks now so I must be on the mend. Time to sort the house out, move then find a new woman :) If you know anyone who is interested in a 33 year old with no money and 3 kids then send them my details :) it will probably be a short list!

Love you all x

Mark

[jellybean28]

Good to hear you are enjoying yourself Mark, sounds like you had a great time. Me I went to my local for a drinkor four with a friend, don't know where all the people our age were, still lots of young male tourists who were trying to hit on us had a good night though.

Pity your only 33 or I'd send you my Resume. I love kids and you make Welsh Cakes what more does a girl of some maturity want? lol :D:D

Wonder what Helen and AG got up to, they've been a bit quiet :)

[Wedgewood]

Pity your only 33 or I'd send you my Resume.

Well I feel old at 33 so it seems funny how you see it as a pity :) Still I will take it as a compliment :D I take it you never won the lottery? Shame, i could do with a break!

As far as the others go, they must be having a good time not to be on here 24/7 ;)

Mark x

[Ageing Grace]

Thanks for asking :) Mark, I'm loving your posts - and Jelly, of course!

I stayed in - in a good way. Cooked myself such an amazing meal, I ate it twice :eek: had plenty of wine, kept the house nice & hot & watched all the telly, dancing round the living room. Went outside to watch the fireworks, which was beautiful with the church bells pealing at the same time. Slept like a baby.

I've been doing some heavy work on my "ishoos", with fantastic help from another forum. All in all, I'm a good place right now.

Here's to a new decade ...

AG x

[jellybean28]

Yeah didn't win the lottery, not even close, oh well had a nice drive in the countryside today with a friend, was going to go out tonight, but have come down with tonsilitis so not feeling very social, so thought I would come here and see who's here.

Nothing good on TV so I'm going to go to bed soon, hope my neighbours are quiet tonight, they were coming and going at all hours last night so didn't get much sleep.

By the way the comment about pity you're only 33 was a compliment.
Funny when I was in my 30's I felt old, but as I've gone beyond 30, I feel no older than I did when I was in my 20's just wiser :rolleyes:.

Take care Mark

[Wedgewood]

Glad to hear you had a good time AG.

I have been putting of the painting today, but will do an hour or so just to keep things ticking over.

Started picking up some small things for the house, but still got to find 2 beds and a sofa. Maybe I will check what I can get on interest free in the sales :D

Going to cook a stew later and maybe watch a film with the kids. I dont have much planned for them this weekend, just going to wing it and see what they want to do.

Mark x

[Wedgewood]

Had a bit of a strange weekend. For the first time for as long as I can remember I wasn't as excited to see the kids as I should have been. I cant really put my finger on why, because my feelings for them are unquestionable. Maybe it is because other aspects of my life are starting to fall in to place and thus smoothing out my emotions. The high of seeing the kids is made less by everything else catching up (I hope that makes sense). I am trying not to let it bother me, but am a little worried that I could be falling back into old habbits. The kids enjoyed themselves and we did a few things together, but it just seemed like something was missing.

Anyway, I am not going to beat myself up over it, those days are gone (hopefully!).

I also got my 'final' hospital appointment tomorrow when I get all my results back. They probably will be clear and I am physically ok, but at least I will know the depression is causing my symptoms.


Mark x

[Helen_uk]

The anti depressants take the edge of most things so that maybe why... They tend to make you a little numb....

Good luck for tomorrow , let us know how it goes :-)
x

[georgie]

Hey Mark,
I've caught up on your posts, you seem to be doing well. I agree with Helen, don't be too harsh on yourself. I think it's very important that you have a happy fulfilled life at all times, not just when you're with your kids. Our kids are a great gift to us and we should value and cherish them, but you are going through a lot and you have been senstive to your children and kept them out of what is essentially between you and your X. I appreciate your post on my thread, it is always good to be reminded that there are all kinds of people in this world, especially when someone not so nice is occupying a big space in our lives.
I envy you all popping down to the local, Australia is a wonderful place to live, but right now out of a relationship when most of my friends are still couples, I really miss having that pub culture as an outlet to pot out to and catch up with a few familiar faces from around the traps. It must sound awful to complain, I drove down to Bell's beach yesterday with the kids (its where a lot of surfing world championships are held), it was a beautiful drive on a beatiful day and I recognised that I have a lot to be grateful for, but I do feel isolated here. Sorry, I'm hi-jacking your thread for an impromptu pity party!!
This was just about u and to say give yourself time, your a good person and a great dad, we'd all be lieing if we said we jumped through hoops and broke out a brass band every time we got to see our kids.. there is no doubt that you love them and as long as they know that and that it's unconditional - your doing your job as a father well. x

[Wedgewood]

I got my results back from the hospital and everything is fine - well everything is 'excellent' is the word they used. This all points to the depression causing my symptoms, so I am declaring all out war on it!!!! RAWR!!!

At least I know where I stand and can focus on beating this monster. I have been on the mend for a little while and am starting to notice it for myself, rather than listening to others. The source of my depression is caused by 'A lack of self-worth and a core sense of failure' - so my councillor said. This is why I dont comment on other peoples posts.

Anyway, it is time to mend my broken head (and heart) and enjoy life again. Alot of hard work and effort is needed but I am more than up to the challenge :D

Thank you all for the help thought the difficult times and I am sure that the worst is over now. There will be a few bumps in the road no doubt, but the future looks a lot brighter now :)

Mark x

[Helen_uk]

I'm so pleased to hear that Mark ! I guess that it's onwards and upwards for you now ( with maybe a few rocky bits in the middle ! ). Make it your task now to grab life by the errrrrm horns !

You've come a long way and now you're getting control over the " black dog " I'm sure you'll find it much easier to deal with things... and a clean bill of health too eh ? Not to be sniffed at !

Helen x

[jellybean28]

Well said Helen

Good news about your test results Mark. :)

You're making great progess Mark and I'm sure you'll get that "black dog" under control.

Was going to say more but lost what I'd written, am going off to bed now as the cold meds I'm taking have kicked in.

[spiderman]

Good news there Mark.....2010 onwards and upwards mate !

Lee

[Wedgewood]

Feeling a little blue today and I cant put my finger in why. Maybe the hospital/doctors thing was serving as a distraction, but I don't really know. It would be nice if there was a reason for feeling down - at least I could justify it somehow. I need to find a way of breaking my negative thought cycle, but I have been doing well lately so I will not be too hard on myself.

One thing I forgot to mention - I ordered my son some presents off the internet which he asked for (after Christmas). Anyway, he said to phone/text him when the arrive as he was really keen to play with them. I phoned him as requested but no answer on his mobile, so I text him and my daughter, still no response. Turns out that my wife has told them they can only see me on the arranged days (even though they had no plans and he was really eager to have said gifts). I don't know what her motivation is for doing things like this, but the only person who was being punished was my son. I did not react to it, but there just seems to be no reason for her to act like this. Not only that her motives are probably to hurt me, yet it is the kids who feel it the most.

Mark x

[Helen_uk]

Bad days happen but you're dealing with it Mark , look at it as one day and tomorrow may be different again. Easy to say , I know.

Sounds like your wife is using the kids as a weapon. Not fair, but quite common. You're being the better person here and putting the kids first.

She's most probably hitting back at you for some imagined slight.. maybe because she ( in her version of things ) feels she's been pushed out of the house. I'm sure she's justifying it to herself this way or something similar... You ( and more than likely she ) know that's not the case. I think all you can do is try and rise above it and make it up to your son when you do see him.

That kind of behaviour is pretty low ( childish ? ), the kids should be everyone's main concern in any break up , but it doesn't always happen that way.

Have you got some legal access in place ? If not I really think you should consider it. Rocking the boat or not, sometimes you have to fight your corner.

Helen x

[jellybean28]

Sorry to hear that Mark.

Sad how our Exs think that by punishing us more often than not they are punishing the kids.

You've done the right thing by not reacting, kids are smart and they will work out what she's doing.

Have just spoken to my daughter which has left me feeling a bit blue, I live 3 hrs away from her and miss her terribly. Her dad has started to make a big effort with her and the boys which doesn't help.

Discussed her brother's wedding and not want OW there, she understands and has offered to tell her dad.

Sorry Hi jacked your thread with my problems
Here's to tomorrow being a better day xx

[Wedgewood]

Dont worry about hijacking my thread - if venting in here helps then please do so :)

I dont have any legal access at the moment mainly because she has been 'fair' up unitll now by sticking to the days we had arranged. I will see how things go when I move to the same street. If I find out she is stopping then visiting me, then I will do something about it. My gut feeling is that pretty soon she will snap out of it and realise the kids are the ones being punished, but I wont bet on that.

Thanks again for the comments.

Mark x

[georgie]

This is so tough for you Mark. From my perspective the irony is quite painful. I've bent over backwards to try to maintain the relationship between my kids and their Dad, because during my own parents separation my mother used her control of us as a weapon against my Dad. My X has treated our kids like a chore/inconvenience and its getting to the point where i think it's emotional abuse and I'm wondering how to extricate them from it. I think if I allow him a little more time that he will remove himself from their lives as he is just focused on his own future with his new partner and their future children.
I so feel for u in your situation. I dont understand how parents can have so little empathy for their own children, how they cannot see them as separate human beings with feelings and needs of their own. The kids need emotional nourishment, they need to feel loved by both of you, not that they are pawns in a power struggle.
I think u need to formalise your arrangements for peace of mind. I think u need to be honest with your kids and explain to them how these things work in a separation situation and that you would like to see them more if allowed. It is sad to feel so powerless, I think I understand how you are feeling.
This is one of the waves we have to ride out on this journey to recovery Mark, it's really really
tough, but you will get through it. As awful as this sounds its comendable that you feel down, it shows that you are a feeling/caring person and that you are processing the emotions stirred up by these situations.
Things will get better. Keep the faith - primarily in yourself. You've been doing great in the circumstances and you will continue to do so. It is hard so dont be hard on yourself. xxx
JB - ultimately your children will recognise the difference between your solid/loving/ consistant parenting and the fair weather bribery that is coming from their dad and his partner. They will always love their dad, but they are no fools and they can see who the rock in their family is and that is you! xxx