My wife has left after !* years please help me

[sean1234]

i posted and accidently deleted my thread so il tell my story again.3 weeks ago yesterday my life changed.I was sitting in front of tv and my wife walked in and said she was leaving.I thought she was joking and she said she dosent want this anymore.I did not see this coming and it has absolutely destroyed me.Im in a mess.I am 38 and she is 34 we have been together 18 years.We have 2 sons age 13 and 18.She wanted to take them but have stayed with me.They at the moment are not talking to her.She says she loves me but is not in love with me and says we have drifted apart.I admit that i have been distant and have taken her for granted.I think the enviroment because my elderley father lives with us has not helped it is very manly.She got a job in a school as a cover assistant and started wearing different clothes and as the kids say talking like a teacher.I have not been happy in my job but put up with it for her and the kids.I didnt take her out much and she wont give me the chance to change.I really want to not just for her but for me as well.She took my boys to see a house the Thursday b4 she left and told them she was leaving and also said not to tell dad.I cant believe she would do this.My boys said they didnt think she would do it thats why they said nothing.The place she has got will kill her financially because she expected benefits from kids.Its 3 weeks on now and although she has tryed to contact boys they are still not talking to her and seem fed up with me trying to get them 2.At the moment she seems adamant.There is no other man involved which would make it easier for me to let go.I have been doing all the wrong things begging,cryingtexting etc.This has not happened to me b4 and i truly thought we would grow old together.I saw her and she could not look me in the eye.When she did she instantly cryed and said she could not do this now.I at the moment am a broken man.I live everydat thinking and dreaming about her i just canr imagine my life without her.She is very beautiful and has made me feel old and ugly.Please help me because at the moment i dont want 2 wake up in the morning it hurts 2 much.I know not seeing the boys is killing her and i have not given her a chance to miss me.I really dont know what 2 do.All the boys and me want is our family back together.I have asked if she wants 2 go 4 a meal with me and the boys next week and am awaiting her reply.Is this a good move.Can someone b together that long and not miss u a bit.I know i miss her and love her with all my heart.Please please help me.Ive lost 1 half stone in 3 weeks and am still not sleeping without apill.

[huting]

You said it yourself you haven't given her time to miss you, so that's a good place to start, give her some space. She will soo wonder why you aren't phoning,texting etc. She may even start to re think things as you are no longer waiting for her. Its hard I know but its your only option right now, you have tried everything else, begging, crying.
A lot of people are going through the same and all it needed was some space. Good luck mate x

[Helen_uk]

Sean

I'm not defending your wife here but you've described that she's made you feel old and ugly . Nobody can do that to us unless we allow it. It's a sad fact that when a partner leaves ( and leaves the other behind devastated ) the more you beg and plead the less inclined they are to come back. It's as if it somehow confirms on their minds that they've done the right thing.

If you're a 100 % sure nobody else is involved ( and that often proves to be the case ) then all you can do is give her some space and leave the lines of communication open for her. You've laid your heart on the line , and I'm sure she knows that . Now take a step back and try to work on being the best person you can.

As far as the boys are concerned , are they old enough to decide whether or not they want contact with their mum ? Are they feeling hurt for their own sakes or for yours ? It's hard for them to have to see you breaking down and knowing it was mum leaving that caused that....I'm not saying you should lie to them or hide your feelings necessarily , but to give them a chance to digest what's happened and then decide from there how much contact they want ( if they are of an age to do so ).

I know life feels like total c*** at the moment, but part of that is the feeling of loss of control we get when a partner walks away... By taking a step back you really do begin to regain some of that control... It works, trust me..


Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

Thanks helen i know i have always been her rock.Im the first person she has contacted when anything is wrong.I did speak to her tonight and at one moment she went very quite and said she would think about it but of couurse i pressed again and she started crying and saying how much money she has to pay out.I have said i will help her but i think her pride is getting in the way.The boys i have said from day one that they can see her whenever they like.They are also very stubborn and i think when she lost touch with me she also neglected them and they are hurting of the prospect of thier lives also never being the same.I forgot to mention that my brother is married to her sister which is also difficult.Do you think if i really sever communication that it might help.AS ive never had to deal with anything like this i just dont know what 2 do.Im hurting so much and i know she is too.We all are.

[Helen_uk]

Hi Sean

I don't think you need to sever all contact , that would be difficult anyway as you have children together . I think it's more that you need to limit the contact a little and also the tone of the contact needs to change.

I really do think you've laid heart and soul on the line and I guess your wife is probably feeling all kinds of emotion too... it's hard to think or act straight when emotion is running so high which is why I suggested ... as much for your own emotional health as for any other reason, that you take a step back.

I know it's incredibly hard when all you want to do is hold them and pour out your heart but it really doesn't help when you repeatedly do this. The sad fact is your wife made a decision to leave and at least for now that was her choice... Now you have to look at ways of getting yourself through this and allowing her the space she's asked for. The more emotional you get, the more she backs away.... and if you've been her rock then she needs to learn how hard it's going to be without you around for her to lean on... Not pleasant , but maybe a bit of a wake up call for her ?

The boys are going through the mill too but you might try not to be quite as openly emotional around them, of course they know you're hurting, they're hurting too which is natural and whilst you can't ( and in my opinion shouldn't ) force them to have contact with their mum , you should encourage them to talk about how they're feeling and let them know it's ok if / when they do want to see her ( i.e You're not going to feel they're taking her side/ or betraying you by seeing her ).

You're right in that in this kind of situation everyone hurts , but it does get better , sad but true that eventually you find yourself adapting to situations that once seemed unbelievable , takes lots of time though. You now have to show some strength, not only for the boys but also for yourself and try and get through it one day , maybe even one hour at a time.

I do think though you need to withdraw some of the support you're giving your wife... when we make grown up decisions like walking away from a marriage, we have to be grown ups and cope...Give her a chance to miss you....


Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

I know yor right helen and i am going to try.I just want to be kind as that is my nature.I openly admit to her and my boys that i have been selfish but sometimes it takes a wake up call like this to look at yourself.She is also at fault for this breakdown in communication.She said i changed the housing benefit and tax credit but i had no choice as i had been left with a lot of debt in my name.About 18 grand.So i am going down the debt management line and have my interview tommorow.She expected the boys to go with her and leave me with the dog.She said to the boys"dad will be alright he has Frank".The boys being 13 and 16 have alot in common with me and they love thier dog he is the baby.We as a family have always treated the dog as part of the family.The eldest seems very resentful towards her as he says he had been at college 1 week and chosen for the A team in rugby the week she walked out.She walked out on Sunday night at 10.30 and had the cheek to ask if i had kept the boys up allnight and "why didnt he go to college and Kyle go to school".He still says he is finding it hard to concentrate.The younger one i have just left to go out with his friends and do as he did b4.He just says boys want 2 b with thier dad and at 1st i did worry they would leave me 2.They both tell me to stop talking about her and say she should be the 1 begging to come back 2 me.They are verymature and i know they are right and i explained to them that the texting and phone calls to her are because i love her and dont know quite how to handle this as i have never been there b4.I also have told them that it was me she wants to leave but they see it as she has left the family.I really wish i could be as strong as them and i think because of her new job at the school she also neglected them.They used to say and still do that she acted like a teacher at home which they hated.oney wise for her ,her rent is 825 a month she has a loan for 250 a month she pays for 1 of the boys phones 35 a month also 50 for our new 3 peice suite she got as a suprise about 5 months ago.This is without her cost of living.She earns 1350 a month working 6 days a week.I know that she thinks the grass is greener at the moment a she said she cares and loves me but not in love.I just dont understand why she wont work on things.We have always been close and were still having sex although not long sessions.Still 2 to 3 times a week.I just dont know.Do you think i have hope or am i going to have to face it that me and the boys lives will never be the same.love 2 all sean

[sean1234]

Time is not healing anything at the moment.I feel so depressed and can not get her out of my head.All i think of is her and i dont know if i can live without her.I feel like i am at rock bottom i cant stop crying.

[Wedgewood]

Hey Dude,

I am new to this forum and like you have come here looking for help.

Although I am no relationship expert, all I can really say is that there are many people going through the same situation as yourself. You are not alone.

I have been separated from my wife for 5 months now, and I too am
finding it extremely difficult to cope, I draw strength from my children and hope that my wife and I can work things out too (but there are no signs of this).

All I can suggest is to stay strong for your kids they need you now more than ever (even if you think they dont).

Good luck mate

[Helen_uk]

Sean when I say time I mean long term... 3 weeks is nowhere near long enough to even begin to heal. You're still in shock and to be honest the situation doesn't even seem settled.

What I mean is , although your wife has left , she doesn't appear to have given it the amount of thought it needed . She's not coping financially and has left " assuming " the boys would go too and she'd have enough money to live on. As the boys are old enough to make up their own minds I would have thought she needed to take that into account. Or maybe she is just used to being in control and has been thrown by the fact it didn't work out that way ?

You need support , I'm talking real time here , a chat with your GP to see if you can get some counselling , relate will also talk to you without your wife if necessary. Make your GP your first port of call if you haven't already. Talking to someone not involved can be a huge help , family and friends are great, but often biased and as bewildered as you .

You can live without her, if you have to, because you have kids and though they seem to be coping , they still need their dad.

I've been at rock bottom myself and the harm it did to my kids still haunts me, the guilt I felt will be with me forever. Like your kids, my sons were old enough to see what was happening and to feel the pain I was in. They felt helpless to support me through what developed into a major bout of depression and seeing the worry on their faces when I came round in hospital after an overdose was the shock I needed to realise I HAD to toughen up emotionally and get through it. I know you wouldn't want to put your sons through that.

You said that you were always her rock....but she's chosen to try to do it alone , she has to do that to appreciate what she's giving up. There is sometimes blame on both sides when a relationship breaks up but the big difference is you're holding your hands up to your part in it and are still there willing to work on it and put it right, for now your wife has chosen the other route.....The figures you quote indicate she hasn't enough money to maintain living in her flat....if you then offer financial help you're enabling her to continue to use you as her rock , but at the same time not letting her see what leaving her marriage is really like. It sounds like emotional blackmail, but it isn't... it's the lesson we all have to learn in life that you can't have your cake and eat it. Decisions have consequences and you have to be prepared to suffer those . That would take a lot of strength from you though.

I really hope you can find someone in " real life " to talk to.

Hugs

Helen

[Helen_uk]

Can I say also that I've been in the situation your sons are in, although at a much younger age.

My mum left when I was 4 and I stayed with dad . I dealt with the fall out of a devasted dad and supported him through years of clinical depression. It was hard .

Mum and I never had much of a relationship after she left to the point that after 41 years of trying, I ceased contact with her last year for the sake of my own mental health....Whatever I did for her, it was never enough, it was never going to be . She blames me for that . C'est la vie.

Your sons sound like well grounded, strong minded kids . Rocks in fact. A bit like their dad...

Helen

[sean1234]

Thanks helen.my wife has agreed to meet me tonight and take our dog for a walk.Im so scared.Not sure what to say to her.Im going to try not to beg.But i do want a chance to put our lives back on track.Im so scared really.I feel so stupid and soft but i am so in love with her its untrue.Hugs

[Pete2354]

I truly hope things work out for you. My wife of 22yrs walked away from me and our two teenage sons on 27 july this year , having told me in front of the boys that she didnt love me any more. she'd cleaned out all our bank accounts up to thier overdraft limit and drove off in my 54 plate saab. her new "gentleman friend" now drives it. Seems there isnt a lot I can do about it. Best part of all? said "gentleman friend" is a convicted sex offende r, having spent 12 months in prison. she (My wife) claims "it was only sexual assault.(?!) Guess that makes it ok then. not! ive nearly stopped crying, but my love for the woman i married continues. however the person that has destroyed our entire family isnt her. i despise this person for all she has done to my boys and me. I wish all things for you that i would wish for myself. be strong.

[sean1234]

Meeting wife went awful.Youre right she doesnt seem to be the same person.i tried to ask her for a chance and she says she does not want to and she wants to be her own person even if the kids are hurting.She was very cold.kept pushing me away and saying ive given her no space.Ended by me begging at her car not to go and i took keys out begging.She said give me keys back or il ring police i said youve done everything else you might as well.Anyway after begging i gave her keys and slammed her door in frustration.Got home and decided im going to sever contact.Next i get a call from her father who all of a sudden wants to be her dad.My father has been more of a father to her over the last 18 years than he ever had.He was going through divorce with her mother when we got together and he knocked her mother about.Then he left them to get on with it.Moved 300 miles away and she sees him about twice a year.He threatened me physically witch is a joke and and told me to stay away from her.He said if u didnt see this coming then ur a biggertwat than i thought you were.Not nice when i trusted her and really never thought she was capable of doing this.Kids were in house and were very upset and angry.He seems to have made things worse and i think should keep his nose out.Any advice?

[Pete2354]

been there.done that. hurts like hell! the next few weeks will be horrible for you and i sympathise, but there are more important issues than you and me. THE KIDS. keep them as happy and in as normal routine as possible. you and me can fall apart once they are tucked up in bed asleep..what ever you do, dont bad mouth thier mum to them and dont let them hear your inevitable anger boil over. easier said than done i know , but we dont have much option if we want them to grow up normally without being bitter and twisted. they will make up thier own minds eventually, they are alot more intelligent than we sometimes give them credit for. if you cave in then you run the risk of losing the lot.the kids need you,youre thier hero like most dads are dont let them see you faulter.a couple of weeks ago i very nearly took my own life because of my situation, what a fool! my boys are the most important people to me and i have to be there for them. she isnt. very soon your sadness will turn to anger and that will cast a different light over everything, but until that happens for the kids sake and your own sanity BE STRONG! dont allow yourself to have false hopes, what will be will be. hopefully , maybe she will see sense and you can get together again but dont build your hopes up. doing that will only make you feel worse. wish you well.

[Helen_uk]

Really sorry to hear that Sean... sadly it's kind of what I expected...

Pete has hit the nail on the head. It's your sons you have to concentrate on now... they've pretty much lost their mum, albeit through her own actions , and even though they seem strong, that's going to hurt them. As Pete says, allow them to talk about it if they want to, but don't bad mouth your wife to them.

Her behaviour was appalling but it's what happens when someone is determined to get away and the more you beg and plead the more determined she'll be. Sadly you have no choice but to toughen up and keep away from her , make sure you don't jump in and offer support when things go wrong for her, she won't thank you for it, she'll see you as weak.

I do have to say though that her behaviour has alarm bells ringing for me. It's unusual for someone to just up and leave of their own accord without a third party being involved somewhere along the line , your wife seems unable to cope alone so if I were you I'd be having a good think about how she's behaved in recent months and seeing if there are any clues there.

You will get through the shock stage,you'll get past being upset and you will go through the anger...Every stage is normal so don't beat yourself up .

If I were you, I'd withdraw contact as much as is possible , you need some time to heal and you need some space. Spend some time with your sons.

I know it's difficult but try to look for some positives in all this. You still have your sons ( and your dog ! ), you have your home. You can come out of this with far more than your wife and you have the knowledge that you did everything in your power to keep your family together.

You've now got to look inside and try to find the strength , read some of the stories on here from people who've been there and come out the other side...Life really does go on .

And if you find yourself sinking really low PLEASE try and get some help.

Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

Yeah i understand what your saying helen.As far as i know there is no other man involved.She was going out to her sisters with her daughter to the gym alot more later and use to come back smelling of chlorine,telling me about the water arobics and i did believe her but then again i didnt think she had iit in her to do what she done.She has told me she had been thinking about it for quite a while though.She also expected the children to live with her and she knows them as well as me.They would never accept another man and would have made her life a misery.When i look back they didnt really respect her as they should have but that was her relationship with them.I just dont know.One thing i did notice is that she shaved her privates shorter than usual and i said i liked it.She said she had done it a bit too short but it was because she was swimming alot.She was also a lifegaurd at scholl.These are the only signs i can think of.I pay for her mobile and sneakily checked all the numbers rung and texted by the provider on the day she left.I know all these numbers so again i just dont know.Your right in what u say and after this happened i thought there must be someone else but as of yet no proof.Today anyway i have felt anger and to be honest that feels better than pain but im still getting alot of anxiety.Maybe it would be easier if there was someone else cos i think i would truly hate her.She knows the kids would 2.So fed up with being sad all the time but work are being supportive and i have too admit to myself could i trust her again?Not quite sure of the answer to that.I know i didnt deserve this though.I have made the decision to not support her financially at all as she has made her own bed.I do still love my wife but i dont think she is that person anymore.Over the years we have had so many good memories and i am trying so hard to shut them out.Alot of people i know including her mother think she is making a big mistake and that she will come back one day with her tail between her legs.In a way i hope by then i have moved on myself and am happy.Hugs sean

[sean1234]

just spoke to my brother and he says that she said i thought more of the dog than her.Im sure she is going insane?

[Helen_uk]

Just bear in mind that it's amazing how crafty people can get when they don't want to get found out....

I tend to agree with her mother, I think there's a reason behind her decision to move out and that she is going to struggle alone and want to come back, but who knows ?

That's kind of a petty thing to say about you thinking more of the dog , sounds like looking for an excuse.

You should allow yourself to feel anger, it's a healthy emotion and a necessary one at times. Suppressing feelings is never good.

I'm glad you've made the decision not to offer financial support , I know that can't have been easy for you , but at least now your wife will see that you're not a pushover and that she has to take the consequences of what she does.

It sounds like all of the family are supportive of you, and that says a lot about you . They obviously think you have done all the right things, and though we can never be sure what goes on behind closed doors, they must know you and your wife pretty well...

And it's ok to feel upset too , it's a grieving process . As to whether you could /would take her back should she have a change of heart... that I guess would depend on how much work she was willing to put in to show you could trust her .

I found writing things down very helpful following my split, I addressed it all to my ex but with no intention of him ever reading it... I kept those " letters " for quite a while and reading them back months later I could visually see myself healing in them. At first I was writing them more than a few times a day, but over time the need lessened until eventually it disappeared . I'd kept them on my PC as a kind of heartbreak blog. Best feeling in the world when I deleted them all without a shred of regret.

We all get there , in the end.

Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

Hi all.Not had a good day today.Why cant i stop missing her?Inside i feel like im dying.I just cant hate her.I love her with all my heart.The saying you dont know what youve got until youve lost it rings so true to me.She was my rock and im feeling lost without her.Im getting alot of different advice.Some say cut her off others are saying be kind i really dont know what to do.She is a very kind person i just dont know why she is doing this.I feel now the kids are older maybe living in a house with 4 men made her feel uneeded.and im sure she feels that i will not forget what she has done and that is why she is saying its gone too far now.She said its taken me along time to make this decision and theres no going back.Asked her if she missed me she said i havnt given her a chance and then bangs on about me not letting her see the kids.I havnt cut her mobile off as this is her only line of communication with them.I dont think she will hear whats she wants when they do talk too them i dont know?I think they miss thier family unit.So do i.I truly want to give this a go but she is the only one who can stop all this pain.When i saw her the other day she looked ill.She had lost weight and was crying more than me.When i see her i seem to go into shock then peices.Thanks for all your advice its keeping me going.Hugs sean

[Pete2354]

Have to agree with helen, people DO get crafty when they get found out. when reasons start to sound more like excuses then you have to sit back and think things thru' even harder. whatever you do tho' , if you have a clear conscience, dont beat yourself up about this, it will do your head in. NO HUGS! IM A BLOKE pete ps; check your messages friend

[Helen_uk]

You don't have to hate her Sean, you can't change your feelings over night . However you also can't change hers.

You sound very depressed to me and that's worrying, so I urge you again to seek some help.

You really do need to take a step back or you will make yourself ill.

You're in denial but you have to accept that this has happened and look for some inner strength.

Nobody knows what the future holds but if your wife came back because of the fact you'd pressured her into it, how long do you think it would last ? If she comes back it has to be because SHE wants to , it's the only way any relationship is ever truly happy..when BOTH people in it are sure that's what they want.

I'm sure the relationship you had wasn't all wine and roses , but it's easy to look back on it as though it was because it's how you'd want it to be. Whatever the reason for your wife leaving ( and there has to be one ) something ,somewhere wasn't working. Apportioning or taking blame is pointless . It's happened. You have to deal with that. You have 2 sons who need you.

I still say you need to limit contact for the sake of your own health , ok so you let her keep the mobile phone so she can contact her sons and that's kind of you , but any relationship she has with her sons from now on has to be initiated by her or them and you should make it clear from the outset to her that you're not stopping her seeing them nor would you want it that way.

From reading the experiences of countless people on here , things tend to improve and develop once they stop pleading , it's not about not being kind it's about giving her the space she's asked for . She said it herself , you haven't given her the chance to miss her....

Helen

[sean1234]

Hi Helen.I understand what you are saying.I have told everyone that i cant and would not stop her seeing them.I think i am still in shock after 3 weeks.I am going to give her space and the mobile is the only help il give her.Problem is through all this im finding it very hard to let go.If noone else is involved i still think we could fix things.Maybe i became boring to her but if im truthful when i look back i wasnt that happy myself.I stuck my job to pay the bills and at times i was bored.I think we had a total lack of communication.If she couldnt tell me she was so unhappy there must have been problems.Being together at such a young age and i suppose growing up together i thought she would always be there.She keeps bringing up 15 16 years ago when i was a bit aof a s**t and was out with my friends alot but i dont think i was ready for kids then.Ive grown up a hell of alot since then.I cant seem to enjoy the things i did b4.I used to like computer games and music,tv homelife in general but somehow i blame all of these things for this.Im not even fussing my dog half as much although i love him dearly.Sound stupid doesnt it.Im trying so hard to fight this in my head but i cant stop thinking of the good times we had together.We went on holiday to her fathers in devon in august and seemed very happy.Long walks cream teas,lots of laughing and joking,sex on the beach a general good time.I just dont understand her.Ive looked at pictures of us down there and she seemed so happy.It doesnt make sense.No one in the family saw this coming and all our friends seem shocked.Yesterday was the 1st day i did not cry but had a little one earlier.On my own i try not to do it in front of the boys.Problem is when someone you think was your soul mate walks it makes you paranoid.Her family seem to turn more against me the longer the kids dont talk to her.Being that my brother is married to her sister it is already making things very difficulIt was our godaughters birthday 2day she was 1.They were having a party for her.I had to write a card from just me and the boys and that was very hard.Obviously we couldnt go to the party as all her family was there.Asked the boys if they wanted to go and they point blank refused.As we were such a close family the fall out is going to be huge.I asked her what about xmas and she said she hadnt Thought that far ahead.Shows how much she was thinking of the boys.I am trying Helen taking day by day.Feels like a rollercoaster that i cant get off at the moment.Hugs Sean

[Helen_uk]

I do know what you're going through Sean, I was in the same position myself 3 years ago.

The man I thought was my soul mate changed overnight, or at least that's what I thought at the time... In hindsight the changes were happeneing, I just hadn't noticed them.

When we love someone we open ourselves and our hearts and trust them to be gentle with them. It's human nature , if we don't then we don't experience love.

You really do have to be kinder to yourself and stop expecting to heal quickly . You've got to stop driving yourself mad worrying about why it's happened and accept that it has. You've got to know you can't be responsible for her behaviours . It's all devastating, like being in a nightmare where you can't wake up....... Oh believe me I know exactly how you feel....

You won't believe me when I say it will get better , I heard all that myself and I couldn't see how things could EVER get better. It did... eventually abnormality becomes normality because you're doing it every day.

We can offer support.. advice..words of comfort on here, but we can't do anything practical to help you . There isn't one answer and what works for some doesn't for others .... you have to take your pick of the advice or experiences offered here and do what suits or helps you best .

I'd say stop trying to understand her , stop trying to analyze why , it doesn't help and nothing will make sense right now. I dreaded the first xmas and in all honesty it was pretty bad, but from then on I told myself it couldn't get any worse...each special day that came and went it got that little bit easier.

I don't know what else to say to you Sean , as I said before it's a grieving process and until such time your wife decides to tell you the reasons for her leaving , you're going to stay in the dark.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this :-(

Helen

[sean1234]

Hi.Ive had a better day today.Im going to clear all her belongings out this weekend.Im going to paint mine and the boys room next week to keep me busy.I look at myself 3 weeks ago and yeah i still have my moments but im definently not crying as much.Silly things trigger me off.Hopefull by changing things around the home this will help.Boys said they will help.Thinking about things she said she never said she didnt want me but she didnt want this.Im sure all the men in the house did her in and blamed it on me.Im trying to block out the memories as much as possible and i am getting support which is nice.I wish i didnt love her so much but i cant help the way i feel.After 18 years sometimes i call my dad or the kids her name,i wonder if she does the same and lets not forget she also has good memories and im sure her anger will subside one day and she has realised she has made a mistake.By that time i hope im strong enough to say hang on love no what im fine without you.That would not happen now but anything is possible.Worst times for me at the moment is the mornings after dreaming but i suppose you cant control them.Im going to give her the space she craves for and i hope she finds that the grass is not greener.Thier is no such thing as mr or mrs perfect.New relationship new problems.The boys seem ok and are getting on with it.The 13 year old told me he would not know what to say to her if he saw her.I think hes scared,She has put him in a terrible position.Dont know if i can forgive her for being so selfish.She did admit to me she did it all wrong but ithink that is because things did not go quite to plan 4 her.I try to look as myself as better off really.I have everything i had,even a better relationship with my boys and as she has said to me by text she has nothing.Tell me what u think.sean

[Helen_uk]

From what you've said previously though it was her who made things awkward with the boys. You said she treated them like a school teacher . If she wasn't happy with the way things were then didn't you deserve a chance to try and sort things out ? How does her walking out make things better ?

I have 2 sons myself and so my house was a male environment... Even the dogs were male !... I didn't walk away.

Anything you can do right now to take your mind off things is a good plan.

Know what you mean about mornings , you wake up and for that brief few seconds you think it's all ok... then you have to face it all over again . I can recall being glad when I'd had a nightmare , it was the only time waking up seemed a relief. That passes.

You're doing all you can, you can't hurry things along , you just have to get through it as best you can. Not easy .

No relationship is perfect but providing the love is there most things can be worked on , once one of you decides to leave though it leaves scars.

Just keep on doing what you're doing and make those changes to your home. Keep looking for the positives, the good things you still have and as Raymond is fond of saying, hope for the best but expect the worst . He's right.

Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

Hi Helen.Im so up and down at the minute.One minute i feel strong the next really down.This is driving me insane.Im so tired want 2 sleep but cant.Got bad headache.I understand what u say about a nightmare being better.Never thought happy dreams would be nighhtmares.I wish i did not love this women she is slowly eating me away day by day.Music is killing me at the moment and as i dont get paid find myself alone alot.I think u drive people mad talking about it but they dont understand how bad this is.Im so frightened of prospect of life without her.She was my rock 2.I put all my eggs in 1 basket but that is me 2 a tee.Finding it hard not contacting her.I am not going to suppory her apart from the phone.Like u say its her decision.I know ive got 2 wait 4 her 2 think.My uncle said she turned up at our godaughters party last night and could hardly look him in the eye.He said she had lost alot of weight and heard her telling her mum she was in dire staights financially.Also she said no point rushing home theres no one there.I think she is messed up and we know how that feels eh lol.I really think she feels i could not forgive her for this.I know i have to stop thinking what she thinks but i love and miss her so much it hurts.Im still in pain.I dont know this sucks.hugs sean

[Helen_uk]

Have you thought about writing down how you're feeling ?

Do you think if you wrote to her , told her that you're not going to beg but that the door is open if she wants to come home and that you'll listen if she feels like talking she would read it ? I mean , not too emotional but a letter from the heart ? Maybe seeing things in black and white and her having a chance to read it alone might work better than trying on the phone or face to face ?

It's just a thought and bear in mind it might backfire... but you could also put in the letter that you are leaving the ball in her court , that you've tried everything in your power to ask her to come home but that you can't keep doing that and so the letter is one last try to find out what went wrong.....Letters are normally less confrontational and she doesn't have to face you whilst reading it , she can even choose not to read it if she wishes...It might give her pause for thought if she thinks you can handle things less emotionally and have accepted that there must be a reason for her leaving.... that you're trying to understand...

I'm not sure it would work , lots would depend on the wording and I know other's on here have tried this approach with limited or no success. Have a think about it .

Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

hi went out with my brother and friend 2 pub last night.It was ok but nothing feels the same without my wife.I felt very nervous but did it.Got a heavy head this morning as im not a drinker.Did think of her all night but laughed a few times too.Met my boys at the curry house which was nice.I feel very sorry for them i know this is hurting them 2.Will they 4give her,i dont know.Asked my brother too ask her if she wanted her wardrobe desk and chairs out of our bedroom.He said she did but was not happy about moving the kids and decorating the room.Maybe she is human after all.Still love her as much though and am still frightened about this new start.Hangover not helping i bet but i did go out and she would be suprised i did.Did it 4 me not her though.Life can be cruel but i know she is very un happy 2 and maybe this will be sorted 1 day.Dont think we could be friends if she never gave me a chance though.What does she expect.hugs sean

[sean1234]

had a really down day today.No contact at all and facing the fact i may have lost her 4ever is still killing me.She hasnt contacted me since we met.Ive just got her phone bill which is way over usually 25 now 85.I cant afford this but this is my only way to contact her.I didnt want to contact her to give her space but i dont know what 2 do.feeling terrible Need 2 do so many things but 4 weeks on the stuffing is still knocked out of me and i feel so tired.I wish i did not love her so much,

[Helen_uk]

I'm sorry I can't offer any more advice Sean, it seems I may have inadvertantly upset another of the forum's members. This place is great for offering advice and support though so I'm sure someone can help you out.

Stay strong.

Helen

[jonny]

Sean, i am/have been in your position not very long ago, i stopped eating lost alot of weight, felt sick all the time it is the worst thing i have ever felt, we went on to counsling and thought things were getting better, but 4 weeks on she has not changed and is leaving on friday, i feel better about this as i think/hope nothing will change until this happens, belevie me things will change and you will feel better, look after yourself concentrate on anything else other than your wife/relationship for now. i hope this is of some help

[JWD]

sean, I remember exactly how you are feeling, exhausted, drained, your mind working overtime trying to figure out what has happened to these soul mates who have become monsters overnight. It's awful, no doubt about it and it's the most painful, helpless experience I've ever encountered but soon you will get so tired trying to work it all out that you'll eventually just let go and let whatever happens happen. You have no choice, you just need to accept that she is going to behave how she does and that you can't change that. You can't make someone see what they are throwing away and how cruel they behave because they will do as they please anyway. They are on a different wave length. Once I stopped trying to work out his next moves, analysing everything he said or did and just began to accept that he was doing things his way, it got a little better. Once I knew there was nothing I could do, noting I could say to him to point out way he was doing as it have no effect whatsoever I let go a little.

It's interesting that your wife is bringing up things from years and years ago. My husband did this too. It's them trying to blame you and its an excuse. My husband brought ridiculous things up before we were even married.

I promise you you will feel better soon enough.

[sean1234]

Hi i got a letter from her yesterday.It was like she was firing bullets at me.Blaming me for everything over the last 18 years.She had the cheek to say it was very wrong for me to keep the kids up all night after she left.Is she mad.Do u think they would be ok then dad mums split our family in 2 night then.Seems so selfish to me and i think she is trying to justify her actions in her own mind.She sent the kids a letter 2.Same as normal saying she had had enough of dad and we both love them blah blah.She just cant see what this is doing to them.I can im still with them.She is scared il never forgive her.I have wrote a letter back saying 3 years ago i lost 70 pounds in weight in a year and a half.If im strong enough to do this i am strong enough to do anything if i want 2.The letter is very heart wrenching and was difficult for me to write.I read her letter and talked about the similar things as her giving her my side of things.Apparantly her sister said she had thought of coming home but i sent her a text and it made her angry again.What a tw*t.But then again was she coming back for me or the kids.I have told her the door is open to her and the kids still have not made contact even after her letter.I miss her badly and have told her our marriage is worth a second chance.Im giving her the letter on saturday and then im going to let her get on with it.I just cant do any more than that as its making me ill.Hard to concentrate at work Still got that bad feeling in my chest and stomach.Just wont go away.I would truly give anything for that feeling to go.She has that much hold over me.Crazy really but it hurts.I think its a mixture of sadness and fear.Thanks for any feedback it really helps to know your not on your own.sean

[sean1234]

Hi thought id give an update as it does seem 2 help.Well things are really quite bad.Im 6 weeks in now.Children still havnt spoken 2 her.Im still anylising everything in my head and have had some oh so low dayss.I really would give anything 4 a day to goby without thinking and longing 4 her.I went 5 days without contact then i cracked.Everytime we talk she seems to get so angry and says im stopping her seeing the children.She said in a text "is your way of trying to get me back making me starve and stopping me seeing my children"none of this is the case.I seem to get so down and my head hurts alot.Today i posted 50 pounds in her door with a short note saying i didnt want her to starve and i cared for her.She also found out i have put me and the boys on the housing list as living with my father was a problem.Im doing this 4 myself as well as 4 my family.She said to me the only reason the children are with me is because im needy at the moment and that this is there home.I said i was doing this 4 all of us and she snapped well il never be a part of that.She is hurting me so much and im trying just 2 get by each day.my dreams are killing me and i wake up so miserable.I fear that because im so depressed im upsetting the boys but i just cant seem 2 get her out of my head.It truly is so miserable and im still crying everyday.Work is very hard and i find im going out of the house at night because of the memories here.Because ive never expeirienced anything like this i just dont know what 2 do.I know i have 2 give her space but i find it so hard.I have not seen her face 2 face for 3 weeks it hurts so much.Its funny the boys seem 2 cope better than me.They loved the family 2gether and are resenting her 4 this.I have said she loves them but they are not interested at all.Please can someone give me some clues as to what 2 do as im dreading each day and i cannot let go.I still have hope and although she is being cold i feel how could i win her back by being horrible 2 her.HELP

[Printer]

Hi Sean

I know how tough it is for you and the boys right now. It is still very early days for you, mine's been going on 10 months now and it still hurts like hell.
I'm just like you, where you don't want to let go of your wife and see the family destroyed.
I've tried everything in the last 10 months and made all the common mistakes. If I could have those 10 months back I would have implemented Limited Contact immediately and only speak to the wife about my son and my son only.

My wife moved out 7 weeks ago and has recently, last week, moved into her own flat.
I am currently in LC with her, but recently wrote her a letter, acknowledging my mistakes in our marriage and accepting how she must have felt. She responed quite well to that letter and only tonight we all went out together as a family to watch WWE wrestling. Although this was booked prior to our seperation and she could have said no, I'm not going. She even stopped at my house for a coffee afterwards. I know this is only a tiny step but I never mentioned our relationship once tonight which I think helped.

I think you should just sit back, try and not think about everything, I know it is very hard, I still cry some nights, in fact I don't think I've had a decent night's sleep in the last 10 months. Don't call her, let her call you about the children and keep the conversation short. Whatever you do DON'T mention the relationship or your emotional state.

Concentrate on your boys, keep them in a routine and do as many activity's as you can with them. Encourage them to talk to their mum, it's really important for them and also you, she wont think you are using them as pawns.

Like you mate, I still hope we can reconcile our marriages, but I know it is out of our hands. All we can be is great dad's for our kids, look after ourselves and just go with the flow when it comes to our wives and bite our lips!

What will be will be.


Take care mate

[Ageing Grace]

Sean, this is really hard for you. I'm sorry you're going through so much misery.

Pardon me for asking, but have you seen your doctor? Crying every day for so long takes it out of you. Some antidepressants might help you cope with everyday stuff a little better (they take a few weeks to kick in, but they do help). Try to make sure you're getting good exercise, too, because it stabilises your mood. Your kids need you to set a good example, of how to cope when there are problems.

Sean, she's taking your money but not your calls - so she's not thanking you, giving back the cash, or showing she cares. She's taken your gift, but not in the way you meant it. So I don't think you should give her any more. Also, it's a good idea to write her a letter explaining that you always give your kids the option of visiting her but, so far, they haven't chosen to. And keep a copy of that letter.

You HAVE TO start dealing with this like a man. Sorry to sound harsh, but it's crucial for your own future and your children's emotional health! Nothing is going to make time go backwards. You have your reality; it's horrible and of course you wouldn't choose it ... but you can face it, and take a few small steps to make it a little bit more bearable.

Please remember, you matter and so do your kids. They need you to show them you're handling the situation positively.

Good luck! And a virtual hug,
AG

[crossmaid]

Sean
I think you have missed the point here somewhere. Your message openly admits that you have neglected your wife and thereby your marriage and in your words taken your wife for granted. She has not taken the decision to move out lightly or leave her children but because she is plainly very unhappy with the situation she was living in and was unable to express it to you or communicate her feelings to you. You thought it was enough that your wife was dependent on you - well it is not! From your posts it sounds like you are trying to turn her children against her - a move likely to alienate her further and not a way to win back her love and affection. You talk about her new job and clothes. Perhaps she has found some confidence and self esteem and does not wish to treated as a doormat anymore. If you are to succead in rejuvenating your marriage then your relatonship needs to be based on mutual respect and understanding. You are plainly threatened by her new found confidence. It sounds to me like she has not left her children but is trying to work out ways of making her life better. I think you need to consider more deeply why she has left.

[sean1234]

i can assure you iam not using my children against her.i have given them every oppertunity to see her yet they just seem very angry.we were always close and now i have started counceling.I am very deppressed at the moment and am struggling coping with work and looking after the 2 boys.i think at least it does say something for me that my boys decided to stay with me.she has been sending the children texts but they are the same.she is not treating them as individuals.maybe your right about her new confidence but it has made the 3 of us very unhappy in the process.remember as well as my tears i have also mopped up the tears of my children.I would truly love to get my family back together but i know it takes 2.

[Ageing Grace]

now i have started counceling.
That's the best news from you so far, Sean. Good for you.

As much as you can, try to focus less on the struggling & the mopping up ... switch your thoughts round to look at what you're doing well. You've posted quite a few things about how well you're doing with the household care, childcare and your own health.

This is GOOD!!

Next time you 'hear' yourself thinking "Oh God, this is so hard", tell yourself straight away "Yeah, but I made a great meal / made my children laugh / got everyone brushed & fed in time .... I'm doing okay!"

Oddly enough, this'll rub off on your kids, too :)

Don't underestimate yourself; you are doing okay.

Cheers!
AG

[MSC71]

a good start is to make it happen so she can see the kids. Don't use them against her. Tell the kids they need to see their mother. The less she see's the kids, the more she will resent you. Seems like they are taking sides which isn't a good thing for them......And you have to stop begging and crying all the time around her. I know it's easier said than done, but you MUST stop that or you have ZERO chance. You MUST put on a happy face (even if it's fake) and carry on as if you are doing fine.

If she calls you or texts you and you sound depressed and sad, she will never come back. But start telling her everything is fine. Tell her you are doing well. Arrange it so the kids see her. Even if you have to leave and let her come over there to see them.

[sean1234]

Im having real probs with the 16 year old.He seems so angry not just at her but at me 2.Im certain i can do my best with the younger one.Your dead right thoughn she does resent me for not seeing them.I have told them from the start i would never stop them seeing her and i couldnt.She is only a walk away from where we live.Seems the longer apart from her the more nervous they are.Very hard not to sound depressed when i really feel so low.Thing is whenever we do see each other she crys as much as me if not more.I think she may feel i would hold this against her 4ever,but i truly know i would and could not do that.Seeing the boys i know has to be the starting point as its been 9 weeks since she has seen them.I did not think this would happen at all.Its a living nightmare and what i would give for a decent nights sleep.The longest ive gone without contact is 5 days.Pretty hopeless eh.I am going to make it my priority to try harder .The older boy is a real problem.I only have to mention it and he is straight on the defencive.

[Helen_uk]

I don't see how you can force your sons to see their mum... Especially the eldest .At 16 he's old enough to make up his own mind . All you can do is keep trying with them and hope that eventually they'll get over the hurt they're feeling .

I don't think even a court would force a 16 year old to see a parent because they do take the child's feelings and opinion into account at that age.... He seems pretty determined.

You could arrange for your wife to turn up at the house but it could go pear shaped and harm your relationship with the boys if you engineer a meeting they don't want. Do you think your younger son is taking his cue from his elder brother ? Or does he genuinely feel he doesn't want to see his mum ?

Perhaps they need to see evidence that you've forgiven her , which must be pretty hard for them if they see you constantly upset . Perhaps if you could regain your status quo they might then see things differently ? I'm not saying you haven't forgiven her , maybe you feel there is nothing to forgive , but all the time they see you hurting so much I think they'll find it pretty difficult to forgive her themselves... Just a thought.

Helen

[sean1234]

Hi all I'm back. Hope you are all as good as can be expected. I'm not doing too well at all. I've been on anti depressants for 7 weeks now even doubling the dose but I still seem to cry alot. I cut my wifes phone off as I knew I was driving her further away bit since them I've had no contact and I'm finding it very hard. The boys are still with me and have only seen her once since this has happened. She still insists I've brainwashed them but I havnt. I've tried to make them see her but it just ends in us arguing so i'm letting them work it out. I'm spending more te at home now to be closer to them bit the memories are hard to deal with. She us paying zero towards the children and I'm struggling with all the bills. I won't go to csa as u don't want to drive her any further away. I still love her so much. Iuss her terribly and it's been 4 months now. She sent the boys a parcel through the post 2 days ago.

[koliver0821]

Sean- First let me say Im truly sorry for the experience you are having. You are doing incredible so keep up the good work. Remember to take care of yourself and those kids.

My wife and I recently had a separation. It lasted for about 4 weeks though, we had constant contact. I have 4 kids under the age of 10 so a lot of it was working with her and the kids schedule.

In my first day away, I had a come to jesus moment. I also realized my wife was stressed beyond belief. I truly believe the stress she was under was partly caused by me but also because of somethings that had gone on this year.

We sound a lot a like. I realized I was not happy with myself. In fact, I was probably depressed longer than my wife was. Not because of her, but because of me. I realized that I wasn't communicating to anyone really. I mean sure I talked but not sure I really listened to anybody. Inertia took over my body. I stopped doing things I liked doing and became increasingly irritable.

My wife dealt with my issues but unfortunately, she didnt communicate with me how she was feeling. If she did, I was probably in a bad place to understand it. I felt like she was attacking me all the time. I just didnt hear her own cries for help too. I think your wife is doing the same. I am betting that she is depressed.

[luce]

I am so sorry that you are going through this Sean.

[sean1234]

I am so sorry that you are going through this Sean.

Thanksyou two. Woke up this morning very down. Seems to be getting harder for me since I'm having no contact. Missing her terribly.after 4 months I thought it would be easier and I have had my days but the last week has been awful and I find myself slipping back to being tired all the time and crying alot to myself. She is so nasty when we do talk and that hurts so much. I know she is hurting because of the kids and she blames this on me. I thioght by texting her all the time she would see how much I care and want to save our marriage but it seems to have had the opposite effect. If I'd left her alone I think she would have thought that I didn't care at all so I don't think I could win either way. She said I've wasted my life but u think that is her saying she has wasted hers. I've brought up 2 healthy lovely boys and I don't think that is a waste. I really think your right about her being depressed but she won't do anything about it. I've mentioned councilling and she laughed at me. I'm having councilling, taking anti depressants, going to the gym so I am trying but life without her is unbearable for me.she said il burn in hell for what I've done to the children which has really hurt me as since she's been gone I am trying so hard to do everything for them. I'm supporting them financially as she hasn't given them a penny since she left. I want them to see her so much as I know they need there mum.it's not like it's doing me any good them not seeing her, plus I could do with the help. They can be hard work at times. She brings up do much from the past that I have to rack my brain to remember as it was so long long ago. Just little things but they obviously bothered her and she said nothing.I'm lost as to what to do but I really want to see her.

[koliver0821]

Sean- Im in the same boat with you my man. I mean, at first, I could actually see some anger in my wife about our situation. I know it seems odd, but I just took all the blame. When she gave it to me, I told she was right. Scarier to me was that I really did believe I was the issue. That I was the failure in our marriage. It went on like this for 2-3 weeks.

During that time, I wasn't truly separated. My wifes schedule for work meant I had to be at the house. During which time I was with the kids and cleaning around the house like heck. I kept telling her How much I loved her and really started talking to her about my insecurities. I also let her know how special she was. Not in just words, but I tried to make her feel how special she was to me. That probably had the biggest effect.

My wife also said she didnt blame me. However, each time, I made it my fault. She wouldn't have done that if I hadnt done this. etc. In truth, it was killing me inside. But what it was also doing was showing her how much I loved her. Finally, 4 weeks after all this started, she admitted to an affair. I thoght for sure that would kill me, but the strangest thing happened. I even talked to my wife about it last night. I hugged her. and Kissed her on the lips. (ok maybe 2 minutes of shock before that happened LOL) And in that moment, i asked one basic question. Is it over? She said its been over for awhile. It changed my life hearing about the affair. mainly because I could see something in my wife that was causing her pain. I could see things leading up to the holidays and I told her the same. My wife stopped doing the things she really enjoyed. She was tired all the time. I used to take it personally (still do a little) but I thought she didnt want to spend time with me. Actually part of that is true. She didnt want to spend that time with me. I know I wanted to spend that time with her.

The best thing I can say to you is read about depression and supporting people that are depressed. I told my wife that Im there for her.

I do have a question for you. And maybe it was in some of the earlier post. Family history stuff actually. Did either of you have alcoholism in your family? Come from a family with divorce or depression? Do either of you have problems with your parents?

[sean1234]

When we were first together her mum and dad were going through divorce. Her mum cheated on her dad and he was violent. She has said to my dons she is scared of me which I can't understand as I have never laid a hand on her or my children. I have said to her I'm not your dad and I under any circumstances would never hit a women. While they were going through divorce we said we would never do this to our kids. I said this to her and she said maybe that's the difference between me and you. She was the same age as my eldest when her mum and dad had the bad times and she always resented them for it. As for alcohlism, my mum died aged 48 an alcoholic. It took just 5 years to kill her. She started drinking when her mother died. I stopped drinking when mine died. I don't think I ever really dealt with her death you know. One of the things my wife said to me was that I didn't even drink and we never argued. I just don't understand her. 3 weeks before she left we were away in Devon together. I asked her why she acted like she did down there ie. Making love in the beach , walking everywhere hand in hand going on long clifftop walks together. She said that's what married couples do isn't it. It really hurts as I'm left with these memories of us together. She was laughing her head off down there. We saw old couples hand in hand and she said that is what we will be like when we are old. I just can't take it. I'm so depressed. I just miss my family together so much. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this I really don't

[sean1234]

Oh forgot to mention the day before my mother died my aunt commuted suicide by jumping in front of a train. I know , I struggle to believe this too. She was 64 years old married to a barrister and was a very strong women. To this day nobody knows why she dud it. I was meant to identify the body , that morning I got a phone call telling me mum had been taken to hospital. She died that evening. I had two funerals in a week. It's funny but what I am going through now feels 100 times worse than what I went through before. I suppose she was my rock and I just feel lost without her. She has not been heartbroken or had any deaths in her immediate family.

[Johnee S]

Ok Sean, You want some advice, allow me to offer some tough love to you because you seriously need it my friend. The following are things you must do for yourself first, then for your kids. Screw everyone else they do not matter at the moment. Don't drop them all just focus on you and your boys!

1. Get you're butt into a gym and start working out, you benefit with emotional release. You're body anf mind will feel much better for it, which has the added bonus of you emotionally fel better. best of all you get in better shape and often imptrove other areas in your life such as your diet.

2. Do some hobbies you've always wanted to do, but made the excuses you are too busy, or too involved with this or that. Well guess what bud, no more excuses.

3. Stop feeling depressed and sorry for yourself. This does not get you're woman back so stop being a whimp and take control of your emotional content.

4. Read a lot of books on things you feel you personally need to improve on for yourself. Example if you have been meglectful of your Wife, Pop is calling you out on how you should have seen this coming, you need to take a step back and challenge yourself with what he ment by this. Don't get into it with him and don't psyco analize yourself to death either.

5. Take better care of your boys, make sure they know they can come to you and talk with you in times of need. don't insult their mother or put her down. You need to show them you have accepted her need to be alone and that you are wanting to grant her time because true love is having to courage to let her go especially when you don't want to. If she needs space to be on her own then grant her that.

6. Minimize contact, only be in touch when she either engages it or when you have to contact her. When you do contact her, never say you miss her, never say "love You", never mention how crappy you feel, don't display anger, depression, sadness or clingy clingy. tel her you accept her choice and you will focus on yourself in the meantime.

7. She once fell in love with you because you took better care of yourself were more attractiv entally and emotionally. So you need to do a mental make over and get your self respect and confidence back. Trust me Sean I was there.

8. decide right now, make the choice for yourself. if you cannot love and respect yourself you cannot love and respect another. If you cannot tak good care of yourself, you will be incapable of taking care of another. Whether it be your kids, your Wife, or anyone else... everything starts with the self. it took me many years to figre this one out.

9. Hang out with friends more often, buy some new clothes, make new friends. Go out! Don't dwell on your Wife leaving and talk about it all the time, don't bring your circle of support down with you all the time, once ina while when you need to is fine. But understand they have their own challenges too, try getting into things that bring you joy and happiness.

10. Dare yourself to be persistantly consistant in your actions. What you think and feel is what manifests into your reality. If you loath and self pity that's all you're going to have in your life. Focus on self improvement and respecting your Wife's choice for space on her own. If she loves you as much as you hope, and if you love her as much as you claim. Then she will come around it may be longer then you want but trust me Sean, you both need the time apart and you need to do damage control on your kids.

11. Respect hat your kids are going through and make sure you love and support them; even if they refuse to talk to their Mother, make sure you instill how important it is to you they stay in touch with her. let them know how important they are to her, and how much it will mean to her if they came around. Let them know they are still men if they break down, and it takes courage to see through this ordeal.

12. Treat yourself with dignaty and resect, treat your Wife with the same respect and dignaty. Treat your kids with the same. if any friends or family tries to knock you down, they are not worthy of supporting you through this. Only surround yourself with people who will respect and encourage you. With people who will listen to what you are going through and offer unbiased honest and helpful advice and suggestions.

[sean1234]

I've had a breakthrough with my youngest son tonight. I persuaded him to go and see her. I dropped him off waited for him to go inside and drove away. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. This must be a good thing. A while ago I would have gone to the door with him just to try and talk to her. I did ask my older son but he didn't want to go. At least she will hear this from my boy and maybe stop blaming me for her not seeing them. I told him just that I asked if she was well and neede anything and that next time he can take the dog with him as he was her baby too. Anyway I hope I've done the right thing and I'm not going to ring to see when she's dropping him off I'm going to just let what will be be. I've no choice and I've finally realised that only she can make the decision to reconcile. I'm prepared to do what I have to as I love her so much. I'm going back to the gym Tuesday. Oh well I hope he comes back home.I won't question him other than to ask if she is ok and if she wants to see the puppy. Love to all sean

[sean1234]

My boy came home and started talking about her. I found this very hard indeed. I pit this hard front on when inside I'm dying. He's seeing her again after school today and I don't know why but I've mixed feelings about it. He said we are both very unhappy but she also said to him that I treated her like s..t.I did use to get my own way but I always loved her so much. I have told her she should have given me a kick up the backside and have admitted my wrongdoings. I always felt she never really gave me much fuss. I really never realised how much she meant to me unroll she left and now I'm struggling just to live. I'm tired all the time. I torture myself with thoughts. It's awful.I'm in denial and I don't know if this is savable. You can't make someone love you and now I wonder how long she hasn't loved me for. This is hell.

[Wedgewood]

Hey Sean,

Its been a while since I posted on your thread, but I read your last few posts and felt compelled to respond.

I can completely empathise with you, I have been there myself - all but the crying. I never cry and maybe that does not help me. After 4 months of the split I went to my GP because I still could not cope. I was referred for counseling and had the 7 sessions or whatever it is - that REALLY helped me, but still it was not enough.
A few weeks later I went back to the doctors because I was scared I would hurt myself and I was put on anti-depressants, that helped me too. However this forum has helped me more than anything. I have met some great people on here and 9 months after the split i have started to develop feelings for someone else. I rarely if ever think of my X and am happier than I can recall for a long time. I am almost at peace with myself, which i dont think I ever have been, even before I was married.

All I am saying mate is dont give up on yourself. What will be will be with your relationship, but look after yourself and see how the chips fall. Mine fell the wrong way and I am better off, Ironic?

Mark

[sean1234]

Cheers mark I need all the help I can get at the moment I'm going down a dark road.all my confidence is shot. At the start I couldn't bear being in the house now I spend alot of time in my room alone . I came back to the forum cos it also helped me at the start. My wife won't even communicate with me which is driving me insane. She was always the person I confided in yet the last time I met her she seemed alien. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but I'm starting to hate myself.

[Wedgewood]

I spend alot of time in my room alone .

DONT DO THIS - Being alone fosters depression and only makes things worse. I could not stand to be around anyone, but I MADE MYSELF.


I'm trying so hard to keep it together but I'm starting to hate myself.

AGAIN WRONG - Its not your fault. Do not think if I did this or that things would be different, it does not work that way. Make sure you go get help - It was only my kids that kept me here in the beginning and then the help of the people on here.

Know that we are here for you 24/7 - but please keep posting.

Mark

[sean1234]

Having a real down day. Just seem to come down with a bang. I seem to be sinking into myself since I've had no contact. My wife is truly beautiful and the thought of someone else touching her destroys me. I know I should not think this way but we were always so close and I'm missing her so so much. What a fool I have been. I should have given her space from the start but didn't listen . I just panicked.I think I'm still in shock. She means the world to me. I'm lost.

[Wedgewood]

Go to the doctors mate and tell him all this, if they dont listen then go to another one. You need help, you cant deal with this alone. It was the best thing that I did, even though it was very tough at the time. I just swallowed my pride and went on the advice of JB or AG i cant remember, but it saved me - no doubt. I have nearly got my sanity back too (if I ever had any lol)

Go mate, go and get some help.

Mark

[Helen_uk]

Sean... Please listen to Mark , he's talking sense. You're displaying symptoms of depression and you really need some help to handle all this , you're trying to do it alone and that's not good.

Helen

[koliver0821]

Sean, they are correct. Even before my wife asked for a separation I was showing signs of depression. I have since been to therapy a few times and I feel a million times better. Though part of it is the status of my relationship with my wife. But I've made affirmations a part of my life. Hit the gym or just go out for a slow walk. Anything.

I just got this from another thread on this forum. Please read it and practice it.

An affirmation is not just a sentence; it represents a way of life…a way of seeing, feeling, believing, and acting. It helps transport us from the weakest part of who we are to the most powerful part of who we are.

[sean1234]

Hi all it's nice to know people care. I actually am on anti depessants. Prozac. Have been for 8 weeks now. I have had 13 councilling sessions. Tonight I went to the Samaritans who are close to me just to talk to someone. It does help. I know I am very depressed. I asked my boy to ask his mum to ring me just to talk and she flatly refused saying to him I don't want to talk to him. It hurts so much this so called soul mate treating me like the scrapings off her shoe. She took my boy and 3 of his friends to burger king while I am struggling to put petrol in my car bcos I am supporting my two sons on just my money now. I also have to pay all the debts which cleverley by her are in my name.22000 pounds of them. I don't know what to do next. There is a massive weight on my shoulders and I find it hard enough just to go to work. So tired all the time from thinking. Any advice would be cool as I'm at my wits end.

[Wedgewood]

I am not sure of youw working situation mate, but if I was you I would try and get some time off and deal with some of the things in your life like the finances. If you go to the GP, I am sure they would give you some sick leave for stress. Ring the people who you owe the money too and explain the situation, it is still half her debts anyway - dont feel you have to pay everything. Also get the docs to check your dosage and maybe even switch you to a different drug. 8 weeks is long enough to notice a difference on antidepressants. I am on Citalopram and it took about 2 weeks for me to notice a difference, but it is gradual.

I am not sure what else to suggest, but dont take time off if it is not going to be constructive. As I said before being alone is bad, dont stay home if you are not prepared to deal with the side issues.

Stay in touch mate and try to deal with each problem in stages, dont try and do everything at once or it will be too much to handle.

Mark

[koliver0821]

Mark is right. Focus on the hear and now. I was about to suggest the same thing about the medication. Therapy is good. Keep going. Support groups are great. Writing is good as well. I tend to do the same thing. Good or bad days, Im writing on these forums. Its helped me deal with some of the issues I've been working through. Its also given me some practical things to consider as part of this process.

You need to start with positive thoughts. Believe that your situation will get better. It will! That I can promise you. I know it doesnt feel that way now. But you will feel better.

[sean1234]

Cheers mark. I have asked her about the bills she said she won't pay a penny as her rent is so high. I will sort the bills out but I don't think il take any more time off work as I can't afford to lose my job for the sake of my boys. It weird that when my boy was with her I felt funny about it but I just think I'm being protective as I know she will try to get him to live with her. She's been saying she's scared of me etc even though I've never laid a hand on her in 18 years and never would. This does annoy me but I can't do much about it . My boy knows the truth. The only thing I'm worried about is how much stronger than me she is emotionally. She's the one who left and by her own admission had been thinking about it for a long time. I had no time to think about it , it was a bolt out of the blue for me. She's real bitter at the moment so why can't I be angry. I just don't.

[Wedgewood]

Sean,

Your situation seems very similar to how mine was, but I have come through the worst. I am nearly out the other side. My X was/is stronger than me emotionally too, but I put myself back together piece by piece. Its just something that you have to do when your back is against the wall. I surprised myself, but it is amazing what you can do in adversity.

Keep posting and just try and tackle one thing at a time and chip away, it wont be long before you start to notice a difference. I now live 4 doors from my ex, and it does not bother me at all. She seems to be the one with the issues now, its funny how things turn out.

Hang in there mate.

Mark

[sean1234]

Woke up this morning very down. Gonna go to work but I know it's gonna be a long hard day. I don't know whether I should send her flowers for valentines day. Another difficult decision. How can she not talk to me. She's not made things easier at all and no matter what anyone says I still can't get the idea of asn involved somewhere along the way out of my mind.

[sean1234]

Everything seems to go on as normal around me but for me I'm living a nightmare. Put this brave face on when inside I'm crying out for help. Evryone says it gets better. It gets easier. For me each day seems to get harder. I'm suffering from bad anxiety . Stomach churns. She seems to be coping well compared.
18 years of my life with her and it seems to mean nothing to her. Unlike her icant stop loving her. I still can't imagine life without her. Am I normal or shoulld I go and seek real help. I feel like I'm going insane.

[JWD]

Everything seems to go on as normal around me but for me I'm living a nightmare..

I can remember walking around the shops seeing people being 'normal' and thinking how can you be normal when this is happening to me.

Everything you are experiencing is normal but you need a little help. Go to your doctor, they can give you something to calm your nerves and help you sleep. There is nothing to be ashamed of for needing a little help. If you are in the UK call the samaratans http://www.samaritans.org/

If you are anxious and suffering lack of sleep you are not functioning properly and everything will appear worse.

keep posting Sean

[Wedgewood]

Everything you are experiencing is normal but you need a little help. Go to your doctor, they can give you something to calm your nerves and help you sleep. There is nothing to be ashamed of for needing a little help. If you are in the UK call the samaratans http://www.samaritans.org/


Worth repeating, it is normal - just effects some more than others. Get as much help as you can mate, it will make you a better person in the end.

Mark

[Helen_uk]

Sean

Your anti depressants are obviously not working as you are still feeling down, go back to your GP and tell him/her. They can't help if you don't talk to them. They can also offer anxiety meds short term because it sounds to me as if you're suffering from anxiety as much as depression.

Counselling is great but it has to be the right kind so make sure you know what type you're getting.

Now the hard part. You are going to have to do some work to help yourself, meds can't do it all. You are going to have to accept things the way they are with your wife and come to terms with them, if you keep dwelling on the might-have-beens and if only's , life is not going to improve.

Shutting yourself away is not going to help. You've had some good suggestions from people who are going through the same as you , go to the gymn , release some endorphines to try to kick start that feel good feeling. Your recovery and indeed the life you have from this day on is in YOUR hands now .

You can choose to sit and mope and hope and wait... or you can choose to get out there and make the best of what you have ...you have 2 sons who need you .


I kind of get the feeling that you're looking for someone to wave a magic wand and make it better, but you have to know that there is only a certain amount we can do on here and you really do need to find support - proper support - offline.

I'm sorry if all of this sounds harsh but I am starting to worry about you.

Helen

[sean1234]

Thanks everyone I'm going to go to the doctors to talk. I'm worrying myself Helen. Having some real bad thoughts. I've just had the stuffing knocked out of me. I know I'm in denial and I'm living in hope all the time. My hands shake. Never did before.I think it's nerves. Finding it hard to concentrate at the moment. Really tired from stress.love my family somuch and I want to be strong. I feel totally ashamed and embarassed to be such a wreck. I'm pretty pathetic. She's even doing more things at work whilst I'm struggling to do what I could before. Will it ever end.

[Wedgewood]

Go get the help you need mate. It is normal, dont feel weak. Get something for your anxiety, my nerves got better within 2 days of taking citalopram (it treats anxiety and depression). You will will find that once you start to sleep better things improve rapidly.

Mark

[Helen_uk]

You're not pathetic Sean , just someone in need of some help and support, even the strongest of us need that at times.

I know it can be much harder for men to let emotions out and they then feel guilty for doing so.. but trying to cope alone and bottling things up will have you heading for a nervous breakdown.

Don't try to be strong or try and put up a front.. get help. To cope you need to eat and you need to sleep and you need to find SOMETHING to stop the constant things going round and round in your head. It sounds daft but a trick my psychologist taught me was to find a silly limerick or phrase and when I found my thoughts spiraling out of control to force myself to repeat it to stop the thought pattern. It sounds daft but it works, you have to concentrate on the phrase and keep repeating it ( either out loud or silently ).. it forces your mind away from less constructive thoughts. Give it a try. For the record I chose reciting the alphabet !

Helen

[JWD]

I click my fingers sean when things start to spiral and feel myself getting out of control. Its a hypnosis thing I read about in a book and every time i click my fingers it reminds me to stop... focus on my breathing, and acknowledge I'm upset and then try see the situation differently, more calmly.

You are def not pathetic but i understand exactly what you mean. You just hate to feel the way you're feeling and its difficult to imagine that you will ever feel good again. And also you will be be having thought and feeling that you never even knew existed. Its strange and frightening but also normal. Perfectly normal.

Sean I actually wanted to die in the first few weeks. Anything to take away the pain. I had horrible thoughts about my ex which only made me feel worse about myself and the vicious cycle began.

I can;t tell you enough how much the samaratans helped me. You can email them just like you post here if you'd rather not talk to them on the phone.

I think survival instincts kick in sooner or later and little by little, you accept the situation. Don;t ever be embarrassed about this. Its a massive life changing experience and if we all knew how to deal with it perfectly websites like this wouldn't exist.

[sean1234]

Oh thanks so much everyone. I get alot of people around me including my father and oldest son who have a go at me for feeling so low. I get told she doesn't love you anymore deal with it. Or it's been 4 months now u should be better. Go out and have some fun. I feel like screaming at them that I feel my lifes over. I'm absolutely terrified of life without her. I meant my wedding vows and now to her they mean nothing. She won't even talk to me now and that hurts. I think it's bcos I cry and she feels guilty although when I do cry she can be so cold and callous. It's so unlike the person I've shared my life with. My eldest still refuses to see her and she still blames me for this. He is not and has not helped matters but he will be seventeen soon. I am giving her the space she asked for and I'm very tied as to whether to send her flowers for valentines day. She loves flowers. I don't know what to do. I feel a tense feeling in my chest again. That feeling had subsided somewhat but now it's back with a vengance. I still wonder if she had or is having an affair but she seared she is not. In the letter she sent my eldest she made a promise to him in her words,the only men that will ever be in my life will be you two boys. That's a very strong promise to make to a sixteen year old. I just. Don't get her at all.

[sean1234]

Another thing I'd like to tell you all is i asked her why when we were on holiday 3 weeks before she left was she so happy. Laughing and joking, going everywhere hand in hand, going out making love after midnight on the beach. Her exact words were that's what married couples do isn't it. I was stunned. She then told me she was moving her clothes out upto 2 weeks before she left and that I didn't even notice. I didn't use to go through her clothes or drawers so why would I. Things I did notice that was when I went to bed the lights and tv were off when I came up. Tv was always on normally. She was later home from work and spent time with her sister alot more so she told me. These ate reasons why my mind is working overtime. I hate this so much.

[koliver0821]

Sean, there is one thing that I've learned in all my experience. If you are not giving someone attention that they are wanting, they will look for it elsewhere. Now, that doesnt necessarily mean an affair but it could be something else.

The no contact thing will be hard but truthfully, if she wants to have the kids be a part of her life, that obviously can't happen. She may have made up her mind about your relationship. That is a possibility.

However, one thing that is definitely needed is you need to work on you. I know the feeling of being abandoned. Alone. Lonely. This is an important time for you. I'm not suggesting you just snap out of it. In some respect, the attention your wife needed in the past few months, is probably the exact same attention you needed prior.

You need to stop blaming yourself. It may not be easy to believe but it does take two for a relationship to work and the opposite is true. She is very much a part of the problem. Always remember that!

Again, all I can say is FOCUS ON YOU. You are the number one priority. do a full check up on yourself healthwise. be very honest with your friends and family. Your boys are supporting you. We are supporting you. remember there are always people willing to lend a hand.

[sean1234]

Thanks for your responces everybody it means alot. Just to know other people have gotten through this type of thing helps. We handle things in different ways. I'm a very loyal type of person and the feeling of being betrayed by the person I thought was closest to me is a very hard burden to bear . You cannot believe your so called soul mate can turn into someone u do not recognise. I think because of the change I have seen in her I have been nervous about my son finally seeing her. What poison will she be feeding him. She has already told him how scared she is of me which is totally outragous. I think maybe she's thinking of her dad and maybe what she would have done to me if I had done the same to her. It just isn't fair to say that .I really don't know if I can save this. That's all I want but you can't make someone love you. It's so hard when you thought and obviously told you they would always love you. Isn't that why you get married? Are marriages supposed to be worked on? I'm not saying I'm not to blame. I was just stuck in a bit of a rut . I'm sure it happens to alot of people. If she had said something , I would have sorted things out. I'm not a mindreader. She seemed fine, normal. One things for sure is that I always loved her. She moaned that I didn't drink, we never even argued. I'm just so devastated. I know it's all in your mind but my bodys been hurting for4 months. Can't seem to help myself. I feel so ashamed.

[koliver0821]

You both sound like conflict avoiders to me. Thats not a bad thing but I think the communication that you may have had was superficial. It wasn't deep enough.

You said yourself that you were in a rut. Man, Im telling you I was just like you. It nearly cost me my marriage as well. without realizing it, my wife was slowly withdrawing from me. I love my wife as well. But I think I wasn't speaking the same language. I said the words but she didnt feel love from me. So she started looking elsewhere for that attention. Sadly, she found it. At the time I was probably feeling as low as I possibly could, she was getting attention from another man. I talked to her about it as well. I told her I trusted her. She told me I had nothing to worry about. So I felt like we were connecting at that level. Truth be told, she was avoiding conflict. She didnt tell me she wasn't getting enough attention. My wife had her affair right under my nose. Even though i questioned their relationship. I didnt ask myself one very important question at the time. What am I doing that is causing her to talk to this guy online? I was very trusting of my wife but maybe she needed me to scream at her. Tell her that it was ridiculous that she was talking to him that much. It was done in front of me so I thought nothing of it. I mean, why would she talk to this guy right in front of me if she was hiding something. (sadly, maybe she had that little respect for me at the time that it didnt matter. Or perhaps she wanted me to see it and say stuff. I did, but I didnt get angry. I thought that would cause her to be secretive.)

Why is all this important. Like I said, im not suggesting that your wife had an affair. But you were in all respects "numb" to what was going on. Just like I was. That "rut" feeling that you were dealing with was actually you in depression. (Just like I was) I wouldnt be surprised if she is depressed too. Depression can play some nasty tricks on your mind. Especially when it comes to the love department.

You are right, we are not mindreaders but perhaps you need to question more. I'll be honest, my wife challenges me in ways I never thought possible. we have period of spice where we are bickering all the time. But I love it. Unfortunately, my wife doesnt. So I need to work on being more communicative with her. In a more real and deep way. Start by expressing your feelings. Start by doing it here. Start by talking about what you love. Not just in your spouse, but specifically what you love.

[sean1234]

Hi all thanks for the advice. I've been to the doctors had blood tests and am changing meds. Doctor says I have gone through a massive shock and I need to think about taking a holiday to relax if I can. I'm suffering from anxiety and stress. I totally broke down when I got home in front of everyone. I apologized to the all telling them how ashamed I am but they all seemed to understand and we all cuddled. I think they needed to hear howbad I amfeeling and having a go at me just doesn't help. Unfortunately I can't hide my emotions. I am living in the same house with all the reminders. Going to work everyday to support them all. Have no money left to do anything at the end of the month. I need to cry and let it out. I'm sorry but I still love her and that's not going to change. I think I've been bottling it too much. I don't know how I'm feeling now. My poor kids and dog looked so sad. I am so ashamed. I feel weak. I was always the strong man of the house. The problem solver.I've only cryed in front of them twice before. I think I became too content with home life. Maybe it wasn't enough?

[sean1234]

Hi all thanks for the advice. I've been to the doctors had blood tests and am changing meds. Doctor says I have gone through a massive shock and I need to think about taking a holiday to relax if I can. I'm suffering from anxiety and stress. I totally broke down when I got home in front of everyone. I apologized to the all telling them how ashamed I am but they all seemed to understand and we all cuddled. I think they needed to hear howbad I amfeeling and having a go at me just doesn't help. Unfortunately I can't hide my emotions. I am living in the same house with all the reminders. Going to work everyday to support them all. Have no money left to do anything at the end of the month. I need to cry and let it out. I'm sorry but I still love her and that's not going to change. I think I've been bottling it too much. I don't know how I'm feeling now. My poor kids and dog looked so sad. I am so ashamed. I feel weak. I was always the strong man of the house. The problem solver.I've only cryed in front of them twice before. I think I became too content with home life. Maybe it wasn't enough?

[koliver0821]

Crying isnt a bad thing. I've learned that it can be very cleansing for the soul. Especially when you are sharing that with others that love you.To be honest, its not bad as a male to show emotions. For the longest time, I never did. It showed a side of me to my wife that she had never seen before. Partly, I was a broken man. But I also realized it was very healing.

there is nothing to be ashamed of. Your feelings are your feelings. You need to work on letting negative thoughts out of your head and focus on positive ones. Go to the gym. It may hurt just to get there, but do something. Run, Kick, Scream. etc. Keep telling yourself you are moving forward.

[sean1234]

Well thanks to everyone today. I've got through another day. My eyes are stinging, I've got a migrain but I've had a long cuddle with both my boys and I think my father finally understands the pain I'm in. He's never seene so emotional and I think it has shocked him. I'm in bed now with my dog frank having a cuddle with him. He was our baby . He's only a year old . Love him dearly.I hope the new meds are better than the last one. When I get paid I'm gonna get back down the gym.it's really no fun at all this depression. You feel like your in a very dark place.I hope I come out of this and I'd like you all to know what a godsend you all are. Thankyou so much.

[Wedgewood]

Hey mate, most of us have been there so dont worry about feeling weak etc, it happens to us all.

I am REALLY glad you went for help, things will improve, but you will have more difficult choices ahead. Going to the gym does help condition your body and mind, plus it helps to have the company. If you stay in and stare at the four walls then it will only make you worse.

One line my counsellor said to me was 'Try and see the sun everyday', it is good advice, try and get out at least once a day - and i dont mean to work. Just go and walk somewhere, get some fresh air and gradually you will find the depression will start to lift.

Keep posting,

Mark

[sean1234]

Woke up this morning and last nights episode really did take it out of me. Didn't want to do anything but I forced myself to work. I just want these dark times over with. How can I sort anything out if she won't even talk to me. Why is she being like this? I just don't understand it. How can someone put anything right if you are not given the chance to. Any advice on the valentines present would be appreciated as in at logger heads as to what to do.if I send her flowers she will like them but then she knows I'm still there and may resent me for it. If o don't get her anything she may think I don't care about her bit on the other hand she may realise that I'm moving on and may start missing me and thinking of previous valentines days. I don't know what to do!

[luce]

Sean, i have been in and out of this wondering if something is really over and whether it can be sorted out. Neither place is comfortable. But at least when i am saying this is over, it is really over, then i am in someway moving forward and dealing with things. I am also keeping the focus on me.

Personally i think that maybe you just need to concentrate on you. Your wife has left so i personally wouldnt send any thing for Valentines. Whenever i seem to spend moments hanging on in there it is almost like they are stuck moments for me and they are in many ways worse than the moments where i know it is over. But that is just my thoughts.

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time and i can really understand it. It is so very hard. Well done for forcing yourself to work.

Edited to add: hope you have a plan in place for yourself for valentines day if that is going to be a toughie for you. :)

[Helen_uk]

I think Luce is right, I wouldn't send the Valentine's flowers or even a card .

You've spent 4 months trying to talk to your wife and getting nowhere. Maybe it's time you think about yourself. Just maybe if your wife sees you sorting yourself out she'd be more inclined to talk to you . That's not the reason to do it though, it's just maybe side a effect. I stress maybe because it might have no effect on her at all.

I've been back and read your thread from the first post and I have to say that she isn't displaying any more sign now of wanting to work on things than she was then. Hard as it seems I think you've got to accept it and start thinking about a future for you and the boys. This hard on you but it's also very hard on them.

When I was 5 my mum left , my dad was diagnosed with clinical depression and even at that age it was incredibly hard for me to deal with and had an effect on me that's lasted all of my life and influenced the way I handle relationships. For your boy's sake at least you're going to have to find a way to move forward .

You seem very worried about what your wife might say to the boys to turn them against you but to be honest here they've seen the state this has left you in and I doubt very much they are going to be that easily influenced ,they lived through the marriage too for the most part and kids are good at picking up on problems so I'm pretty sure they would have known if your wife had genuine reasons to be scared of you.

You also seem concerned about why she acted so lovingly on holiday so lets look at that too. She may be a very good actress , she might have genuinly felt loving at that point, she may have been trying to hide what was really going on in her mind and not wanting you to twig anything was going on... or a 100 different other reasons. The point is it doesn't really make a difference why. What matters is that she did and then left anyway and you now have to deal with that . You will drive yourself mad wondering the why's when only one person knows for sure and she's not telling, might never tell.

You asked how can you sort anything out if she won't even talk to you..her talking to you isn't necessarily going to change anything and I think you are pinning your hopes on getting her back if she did. Seems to me the only talking she does hurts you more...She isn't acting like someone who wants to have things put right. I just feel like maybe you're not listening to her and she's getting frustrated and so her way of making you listen is to hurt you. Not nice, but that's what it appears to me.

Sean.. you really do have to stop all the wondering why and start to try to make things right for you and the boys , that's not to say you can't cry or be upset you have every right to feel your emotions and express them, but you do need to start putting yourself and the boys first .

Hopefully new meds will help with the depression and anxiety but you do have to do some things for yourself too . Eat properly, exercise, keep your mind active and not let it obsess about things. The reason time isn't helping you heal is because you're not letting it. You're spending all your time worrying about trying to get your wife to talk, to come back . You should be concentrating on you.

Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

Nothing at all planned for valentines. This is myproblem.I constantly think about the good times and how much I miss them. I think about her then my stomach goes. Then the anxiety kicks in. Can happen anywhere. I think when you have been with someone for such a long time the thought that you won't spend special times with them again is unbearable. The thought that she will be spending them with someone else is even worse.

[Helen_uk]

Exactly my point... the thought is unbearable.. constantly think about the good times and how much you miss them..

Ok here's an idea.. when you start to think about the good times.. try to pull up a thought about a bad time you had together . Think about it for a minute or so then stand up, walk around and direct your thoughts at something that's positive in your life now . Even something as silly as being able to leave the toilet seat up. Put your coat on and take the dog for a walk . Find a style of music your wife doesn't like but you do and play it, loudly.

The trick with time healing is that you have to make some new memories that don't involve the past to replace the old ones. Going somewhere new . Wearing something new. New music, new food...you get my drift I'm sure .

Valentine's is just a short 24 hours , look at it as just another day and treat yourself kindly, like xmas it's soon over and the world returns to normal.

Easter was just after my split 3 years ago . Easter Sunday I went out with my kids . The whole world was full of happy couples, happy families. I wanted to go home, bury myself under the duvet and not wake up.But I got through it and by the next Easter I was doing ok .

You will get through it too. Trust me.

Helen

[sean1234]

I know Helen I need to focus on me and the boys but I've always been such a deep thinker.my mind seems to play tricks on me and I end up torturing myself. I don't know why I do it but I just can't seem to help it. I really wish I could.

[Helen_uk]

I'm the same Sean so I do know where you're coming from. You basically have to retrain your brain. Not an easy task. I tend to be an over thinker. If there is something on my mind I worry it to death like a dog with a bone.

It's a game of distraction really and it takes some practice, but it is possible. You really do have to learn little tricks to stop a thought process . As suggested, click fingers, force yourself to repeat a rhyme or phrase or do something physical that also needs concetration.

It's easier not to think if you're in company which is why we are all saying don't sit around on your own.

[sean1234]

I have been listening to music she hates.i havnt been able to go out , other than with the dog as I've never anyoney left as I've said before I'm supporting my boys on my own. Just getting my son to college every week costs 30 pounds a week. There's just nothing left after I've paid everything and brought food and petrol. Without her income it's a real struggle. Because her rents 825 pounds a month she says she can't give anything for the boys. So I'm a bit stuck really and I find I'm just existing and not living.

[Helen_uk]

So find things to do that don't cost much.. or anything. Have you checked to see you're geting all the financial help you're entitled to ? Tax credits and such ?

Can you swim ? It normally doesn't cost much and it's great exercise . Even if you just go for a coffee somewhere and take a book it's cheap and better than sitting in the house fretting over things. I used to go feed the ducks in the local park . Walking the dog is good exercise so try and increase the amount of time you're out for ?

I don't think a court would think £825 a month reasonable rent for one person so if it were left to them she would probably have to pay money to you for the boys. That's a fair way down the line though.

Maybe you could use your lack of money to your advantage and find a way to earn some extra income that would also take your mind off things. Sell some unused or unwanted stuff on Ebay or utilise a hobby you already have to try to make a bit of extra cash.

I know it feels as though nothing is worth the effort right now, but once you start making an effort it gets easier.

[sean1234]

Your right about nothing seems worth the effort. By the time I get home from work I'm pysically and mentally shattered.I find it so hard putting on this brave face at work. People say alright sean. You yes thanks but inside your saying no I wish I never woke up this morning, my wifes destroying. Me. It's so hard. I'm on my feet most of the day and I'm so so tired. I really am trying to help myself but I'm just dreading the future without her. I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I feel like a fool. Rewind to Xmas it was truly awful. I texted her happy Xmas for what it's worth and happy new year but had no response on both occasions. Really really hurt me. It was so tough for my boys and I know seeing me like this must be hard for them.I just cannot help it. She seems to be acting like I don't exist, we were not together for so long and were never married. I am the father of her children and watched the births which were good times.she doesn't think this effects the boys as she says it is nothing to do with them. She said I will burn in hell for what ihave done to them as she is convinced ihave turned them against her. It's such a mess.her mother who at the dtart totally on my side soon changed her tune ringing me calling me names like fatty which is evil as in earlier conversations I opened up to her and told her it use to upset me when I was a kid that my dad use to call me that. She thought it would hurt me and showed her true colours. As I have said before I lost 5 stones about 5 years ago and have kepttbe weight off.god I've lost 2 stone since she left. She was right about it hurting though I didn't even argue back as there's no fight left in me. All because I was texting her everyday. It was my phone I was paying for it she could have given it back. She didn't .she has a new phone now and won't even give her children the number as she knows il getit. Her mother also said she prefered me bigger . I just don't know.I'm going to give thevalentines thing a bit of thought before I decide what todo. I imagine she will be expecting something from me , maybe it will be a shock if I didn't do what' she expects anymore.

[Helen_uk]

So basically every time you contact your wife you get no response.. which hurts you.. or a nasty response.. which hurts you .. ?

So how about you don't contact her ? How much more can that hurt ? I'm betting she won't be expecting that.

As to her thoughts on what she THINKS you've said to the boys .. you know that's not true, they know it's not true.. You can't control what she thinks. I don't get why you'd expect anything different from her. She's already shown you her true colours.

As to her family.. apart from the fact you really have to expect they'd feel obliged to support her , the rest of it is none of their business and you should tell them that. Why are you listening to what her mother thinks of you ? Put the phone down or walk away !

Stress can make you physically ill if you don't deal with it , you really have no choice but to try and find a way to beat it , you've got your boys to think of and a job to hold down.

Next time someone at work asks if you're alright, tell them no but you will be .. and start BELIEVING that yourself.

Helen

[koliver0821]

Sean, I thought of something else you may want to do. Bring your boys to your next counseling session. But perhaps it will let them know how you can be supported and maybe just maybe, they will learn something as well. Like you said, its not only affecting you, but its certainly affecting them.

you need to heal as a family and perhaps this will get you motivated about the future.

[sean1234]

I get home tonight and straight away I get people moaning at me. For gods sake sean put a smile on your face. I'm fed up with the misery, my dad says. I nearly had a nervous breakdown yesterday. He forgets that having him living with us was part of the problem. She's said it enough times. How can people see you so down one day . Sit on there butts all day while your working and expect all your problems to be gone. He even said stay off the effing computer no one on there will help you. I am so close to throwing him out. I've had enough of him. He hasn't got a clue how this feels. Yet again advice from someone who has not been through it. When I say to him this is a long haul he raises his eyebrows. I just want out of all this pain so much. I truly do.

[luce]

Hi Sean,
I have experienced this from some people too. Thats why i like coming here - no-one tells me to 'get over it' and everyone understands how hard it is. I can imagine that having your dad living with you must be difficult and even more so if he doesnt support what you are going through.

If the people around you cant hear it then it might be worth considering taking it to places that can. When i was first in it i spoke to the Samaritans a lot and they were really fantastic. They even called me at a pre-arranged time on my mobile number each day. This way i was able to plan their calls for times when i knew i would have privacy. It helped so much just having someone to listen. It also meant that i didnt have to offload to people that werent able to hear it. I now have counselling at drs surgery which is free service and again really helpful. It is about a space just for me where i dont have to look after anyone else.

[sean1234]

I started the new med last night and they have made me so tired. I can't seem to wake up this morning. I'm having a days holiday today as I had such vivid bad dreams. I actually miss her family as for such a long tome I was part of it. I feel like an outcast now though. So lonely. I'm not going to get her anything for valentines because I think I need to show her what it is going to be like without me. Do the unexpected. I brought a new game for my xbox with the money I had pit aside for her flowers . Found it hard but I'm going to try and play it today while I'm off as an escape . Thankyou all of you.

[GTW]

Hello sean,
Hope you are feeling a bit better than yesterday mate. You are doing the right thing showing your wife what things will be like without you in her life. It is so hard to do but you need to do it for yourself as much as anything, regular contact will not allow an environment for you to heal.
The computer game although a small thing, is a good move, anything that takes concentration will be of benefit during this time.
One thing I have found that has helped me is whenever you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, force them out of your mind by remembering happy times past (obviously without your X in them) or where you would like to see yourself in the future. It is hard, but it can work.
Hang tough bud, you can do it.

[luce]

I brought a new game for my xbox with the money I had pit aside for her flowers .

That bought a smile to my face Sean. I am so glad that you treated you. :)

[sean1234]

Funny how when I brought it I felt bad. I'm pretty certain she won't be expecting nothing. I don't knowcmaybe she has another valentine I don't know about. I really do wish I knew for sure. At least then I know exactly what I'm dealling with.

[GTW]

sean, you need to stop thinking of what she is doing and with who and focus on you and your own, it is counterproductive and serves no purpose what so ever...at all.
I am not having a pop sean so please don't take this as someone else having a dig. Remember, I too have my own demons to slay but having experienced these feelings as you are now, I feel justified in passing on what worked for me at least. The most important thing is to get strong sean, you will need it over the coming months. Stop the what ifs, buts and maybes and stop analysing and dissecting, it will drag you down.
sean, you WILL get through this; how do I know? Because I see allot of behaviour here that I can identify with and I am moving in the right direction for sure. Just as you are sean, I am only a man, nothing more or less, if I can do it, so to can you.Hang tough mate ;-)

[mangonpineapple]

Hi Sean, I wanted to say stay strong. You can do it and you will get through this. The obssessive thoughts are very damaging as they hurt so much. I have been there lately and I know how futile wondering what they are doing is, but somehow I cannot help myself. I choose to believe the others who have been there when they tell me that things will get better. Six months ago, I was an emotional and physical wreck; my weight dropped to a dangerous 43kg, and I was pregnant at the time. The friends I was staying with at the time kept telling me to get over it and him and to move on. I found them to be so unsympathetic and cold. I truly thought I was going to die. I did not die and with the help of the Samaritans and medication I got through that hellish period and lived. I lost my pregnanacy later on though which was a major setback emotionally+ physically. I am trying to cope, and the last few days have been dreadful but I know that six months ago, I truly thought I was going to die and I didn't. You will get through it and you will feel better. Try and get healthy again, it is the most important thing in this battle. You need your physical strength to get through the tough days. Take care x

[sean1234]

I am trying my hardest. I think once I get paid I'm gonna make it a priority to get direct debits for the gym. At least it will get me out. Funny how I loved playing computer games before this happened. It was a hobby of mine from before I was even with my wife. I've been fasinated with them since I was a kid. I'd be taken to the fun fair when I was a child and would be straight in the arcade. But at the moment as it's one of the things she has complained to me about I feel guilty playing. It's s shame as I have machines going right back to the atari. It's just something I enjoy and she's taken that from me. She said in the letter to the kids how difficult I have made it for her and that she knows that she can't offer them what dad can. She honestly thinks they stay with me for the games, the sky tv all the little things I'm trying to hold on to. But she doesn't think they think what she has done is wrong. She said the only crime she has made is falling out of love with me and we are all being unfair to her. She is so selfish at the moment. I really do hope for her relationship with the boys there is not another man. They just won't have it. I don't know. She seems to be in a world of her own. It does seem like a mid life crisis from everything I have read. I'm going to leave her to get on with it. I havnt tried to contact her for 2 weeks. She has my number if she decides she wants to talk. Il just have to try and be strong and I suppose what will be will be.

[koliver0821]

Sean, I know how you are feeling. Though, I cant claim to be the financial supporter that you appear to be. My wife makes more money than me. We talked about it last night that if things didnt work out between us, that she would continue to live the house we live in now. Quite frankly, that house has been causing us issues since moved in. (From a financial standpoint.) Cant imagine her trying to keep that house but I suppose she would have someone move in (like a family member) to help defray the cost.

Its funny you said the word selfish about her. when talking to my brother about my situation, he said the same exact thing. He said it sounded a little selfish of her to just walk away. I know my wife hasn't walked away yet. Its possible she wont and we will be a stronger couple after these events.

I do know these recent events have changed me. Changed me for the better. What I can't tell you is what this means for my marriage.

I f

[sean1234]

Actually had a smile put on my face tonight. All the girls I know had a poll on face book about which celebraty I look like. They all think I'm the spit of Christian slater. I'm happy with that never thought of it before but actually I do. Weird

[GTW]

You had better think about changing your profile name then sean-I mean christian :D

[jellybean28]

Wow sean or should I say Christian?:D, nice to read that you find something put a smile on your face. Remember how it felt, then when you start to feel down, remember that positive moment and smile and feel grateful to those wonderful girls. :cool:

Reading back over some of your posts and the advice you have been given, may I add a couple of things, you say your son is off to college, would it be possible for him to find a job for a few hours a week, it would give him a bit of pocket money and help ease the load for you. A walk outside even for 10 minutes can help to lift your mood, I know it's winter over there, but the effort of rugging up and getting outside will be worth it. Writing your feelings and thoughts down can help, you can pour your heart out, be angry and afterwards rip up what you've written if you want to. In time sean you pain will lesson a cliche but true. Keep posting here, and don't worry what your dad says, he should be more supportive seeing as he's living under your roof.

Oh and as for the comments about your weight from your wifes family, that's just cruel and childish. Your'e awesome to have lost so much weight and keep it off and loose some more with what you're going through, well done Sean. :):):)

One last thing please make sure you're looking after yourself. If you can take yourself off for a coffee. Take a book or the paper to read, never know who you might meet, Mr Slater lol ;)

[Helen_uk]

Sean I'm so pleased something positive happened for you !

[sean1234]

Thanks everyone. Started the new meds and they seem to make me so tired. Il persist with them but I'm having some vivid dreams abouty wife since I started taking them. I really am so scared of the future without her. Actually I'm terrified. You think your lifes sorted then you have this sort of thing happen and you think god I've hot to start again. Will I ever trust anyone again. This will scar me. It already has. I just can't seem to accept it. I'm in denial I know. I still have hope though. Ijust do. Can't help it

[jellybean28]

Sean

If your meds are causing the dreams and making you really tired you may need to see your Doctor again, so he can adjust the dose or medication.

Sean I understand how you feel about life without your wife, and the future, it's normal to feel like this, just try not to dwell on the thoughts.
Try to organize something to look forward to each day, baby steps at first. Things will get better even though at this time it doesn't.
Hang in there and keep posting here. You have friends and support here.

Hugz JB

[sean1234]

I'm not looking forward to the weekend. I'm now thinking I should at least get her a card. I'm such a soft touch I know but it's this hope that I can't let go of . I just love her that's all. I never didn't. I

[GTW]

Listen fella, I know how you feel, I still love my X but there comes a time when you just have to let go my friend, you are only prolonging your own agony and preventing yourself from healing.
If you really love her, and I mean REALLY REALLY love her, set her free and in turn it will set you free too.
Peace.

[sean1234]

I know you are right and I do really love her. It's so hard though to let go

[pitbull]

Hey Sean

I too am in the same position. Wife booted me out on Boxing day. I made all the classic mistakes of begging and stuff. Now after reading this forum, getting down the gym, talking to friends, I'm getting on with my life and not wasting any more energy on her. Guess what?
After a week of no contact, she started texting me asking whether I was OK.
I have to admit that I did get her a valentines card. Check out moonpig.com I personalised a card like OK! Magazine and put in "Exclusive interview with X about his separation with Y, Check out this years hottest couple whom are currently separated, blah blah. Chuck in a few nice pics of you two together. Got a call today saying hwo thoughtful and lovely and funny it was. Also, I am making up things on what I am doing. Like going out and stuff, Im going to my mates next weekend but I told my wife Im going with a friend to teh country for a few days R&R. This has really got my wife spooked and now she's doing all the running after me!

Wierd huh?

[GTW]

Yes sean, you are right, it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do but you do HAVE to do it, trust me, there is no other way. For a long time I thought that if I were to let go then my X would see it as I was giving up and that I didn't want her or love her enough to keep trying and hoping but the sad truth is sean, they don't care about us anymore so why would they even want someone that they no longer want themselves to want them and profess their undying love, it will repel them more so, like I say, you have to cut them loose for the good of you both.

[sean1234]

Bad tidings tonight. As bad as I feel and as much as o want her back I know for myself I have to cut allties with her. I have to do this for my own sanity and face up to the fact that this is happening and there is nothing I can do about it. Why love someone who does not love you.

[GTW]

Bad tidings tonight. Why love someone who does not love you.

AND THE REALISATION SHALL SET YOU FREE!

sean, that is the first and most dramatic step you can take in your quest for recovery, I know how hard it is to do mate and you can not do it unless you have genuinely excepted your plight but you have taken your first step along the road to recovery, you just have to keep walking.
Don't be a stranger; STAY STRONG

[mangonpineapple]

Hi Sean, someone told me that if someone doesn't love you, they don't deserve you. It is so true. I know how hard it is to let go. I am struggling with it myself. My H's communication is very cold. I struggle with this side of him but guess what, it does not matter any more. He is a stranger and is no longer part of my life. What he thinks or does is not relevant anymore. I have finally accepted that, even though I do feel wobbly at times. It is painful but it's the only way to go. You are doing well, continue to be strong and you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Take care x

[sean1234]

Feel a bit stronger today. I'm definently not sending her anything tommorow and I'm going to look into child support next week. She will have to get somewhere less classy to live because she is living beyond what she is earning. If she cares so much about her sons then as far as I'm concerned she should help me finantially at least to feed and clothe them. It's only fair. She won't have any constructive communication without getting cold or nasty and there comes a tome when I think you have to fight back and show your not a pushover. Does anyone else get the feeling that your ex thinks they are better than you all of a sudden. The grass is greener. That's how I feel and up to now I've been playing right into her hands. Mo more though. It's time for me to show her how strong I can be when trapped into a corner. Feels so much better with this attitude. Time to start living.

[GTW]

That's the spirit sean, well done.

[sean1234]

I'm going to take baby steps but I have some plans already. I'm going to take my boys to the download festival in June. Re join the gym, ring all the debters one by one and dirt that out. Priority will be getting her to support her kids without any contact to her as I have tried and it's just not worth the heartache. Let her just go. I couldn't help loving my family and becoming content with my home life. Maybe that's just me. Why should I wAnt to change who I am. I know I am not a bad person and I know the truth. It's what I think and know that matters not what her or her family thinks. Let's face it they are nothing to do with me anymore. It's their loss not mine they have been nothing but trouble to me full stop. If she is happy to be a part time mother than she's the one who has to live with it. My boy said to me last night that he chose to stay with me because he loves me. My boys are my valentine. At the moment I don't need anyone else but I will make myself better so that one day I will be ready to let someone else in.

[Wedgewood]

I'm going to take baby steps but I have some plans already. I'm going to take my boys to the download festival in June. Re join the gym, ring all the debters one by one and dirt that out. Priority will be getting her to support her kids without any contact to her as I have tried and it's just not worth the heartache. Let her just go. I couldn't help loving my family and becoming content with my home life. Maybe that's just me. Why should I wAnt to change who I am. I know I am not a bad person and I know the truth. It's what I think and know that matters not what her or her family thinks. Let's face it they are nothing to do with me anymore. It's their loss not mine they have been nothing but trouble to me full stop. If she is happy to be a part time mother than she's the one who has to live with it. My boy said to me last night that he chose to stay with me because he loves me. My boys are my valentine. At the moment I don't need anyone else but I will make myself better so that one day I will be ready to let someone else in.

Music to my ears mate!:D:D

[sean1234]

Found today harder than ithoight actually. Stayed on my own . I just wanted my own thoughts. Do miss her but I know there's nothing more I can do. I hope everybody on the site is ok. Obviously I'm not the only one finding today hard. Just to let you all know you're not on you're own and I'm thinking of you. Sean

[mangonpineapple]

I hear you Sean. Today was harder than I thougth it would be. I never really cleebrated Valentine's but today for some reason, it was a significant day because it is the fifrst where I am alone and going through a rough period in my life. Been moping around. I too know there is nothing I can do so, whatever will be will be. Hang in there. There are brighter days ahead. Take care x

[sean1234]

Yeah mango know what u mean. Been very hard today. Just going to the shops and seeing all the valentines stuff upset me and made me cry when I got back to my car. What is it with people and commitment. Marriage means nothing to some people. I don't think it's any coinsidence that in my wifes family her mum and 2 sisters are divorced. This has had an effect on my marraige as have they on my wife. It's really bad.

[sean1234]

I think it's mad how your feelings can go so up and down. Today has not been good yet yesterday I felt stronger. Maybe it's the realisation of how over it is. I allowed myself hope again today and was rewarded with tears. It's a terrible, terrifying expeirience that I never want to ho through again. I have read posts on here where people can never let anyone near again. That is how I am feeling at the moment. I'd dearly love that unconditional love but that is what I thought I had. After all that's why I married . U say the words forever and ever and to the the people here that is what we meant. Could we ever trust again. I don't know. I do know it will be hard. That is such a shame for me and the people who feel the same because I feel we are the type of people with alot to give. I really do believe theses so called soul mates of ours will get thier comupance one day. The honeymoon period never lasts and it comes down to day to day living. I feel my wife lived with me for 18 years, so I must have done something right. Will her next partner match up to her expectations?one things for sure what goes around comes around and unroll these partners of ours expierience heartbreak , they can never truly understand how we are feeling in these dark times. But hopefully one day they will.

[sean1234]

Very eventful day to say the least. Told my brother to give her a message about me contacting child support but I'd rather do it ammicably between us. So I get a phone call at work from the police saying she has made a complaint but she doesn't want to take it any further. A complaint for all the phone call and text messages or harrasment before she changed her number. I was furious. I said before she changed her number , don't you mean before I cut her off. I was calling my own phone. She forgot to mention that to them.I told them I had asked for the phone back but she was too busy ringing up90 pound phone bills. Then told them of course she had to change her number because I cut the old one off which cost me another 150 pounds. Guess what she didn't mention this either. Anyway I think she is just trying to hurt me even more. I can't believe she would go so low. Who is this women. I was straight on the phone to csa . Had no choice really. I feel setfree in a way as there is no going back now. I will never forgive her for this. Take care everyone sean

[mangonpineapple]

Oh Sean, I am sorry that things are getting nasty with her involving the police. It really does hurt. Remember, when she does this, it is because she is cornered and does not know what else to do. It is very unfair and cruel, as though she has not done enough damage, but remember, she is no longer the person you knew and loved. She is now a stranger and you must make sure that you seek legal advice on how to handle the situation. Things escalate and get nasty and you should be prepared for anything. You have done nothing wrong. Be strong and most of all, seek counsel - even Citizen's Advice Bureau - can help you. Calling the police on a spouse when there is no need is very mean spirited. Hang on in there. You will prevail. You are the classier one. Hugs xx

[sean1234]

Hi all. Been a bit down today but I suppose that's the rollercoaster ride I just can't seem to get off. Stayed in all last night and thinking about it I can't remember the last time. That's progress I suppose. Do feel a bit lonely though. 38 and I feel a bit old too. Still havnt cryed for a thre days and am having a laugh with my boys. Havnt seen or heard from her for a while. Was told she wants to see the boys but doesn't think I need or should be involved with that. Very immature on her part but she's hurt me enough already and I just think it's so dad that someone I spent so many years with and so many expieriences can be so cold and act as though I have died. Still such a shock to me. My youngest said when he saw her she seemed to have changed and he didn't like the new mum. Again a shame. I really think the boys are more clues up than she gives them credit for. I may well have to accept she isn't coming back as my boys I think have too. But unfortunately for her she has to accept the boys are not going to leave dad. 4 half months now and they ate happy with me at home. We don't argue. Shame for her though

[sean1234]

Got a bit down last night as I cleared out our bedroom. Found a bag full of photos which stupidly I looked through. . Cryed quite a bit. There wsmas a box she had kept which had allher trinkets from her hen night and all the cards from our wedding. Also went in loft and found her wedding dress. I was ver emotional and wonder what to do with all this. It's just too painful for me to go through . I will probably give it all to her to sort through. Il also give her the video camera and tapes as I can't watch them which is a real shame as there are some real good memories captured there for my family and the both of us use to love going through these. I almost seem to have to blank out the last 18 years at the moment as it really hurts so much when I allow my mind to drift back. Maybe giving her these might make her drift back on some positives in our relationship and not all the negatives she seems to be centred on at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated guys . Thanks sean

[sean1234]

Finding things tough but am able to block out memories. I seem to go back to the first night when she said I don't want this anymore. I love you but not in love with you. Still hurts alot that one. Now child support ate involved I imagine she hates me even more. I've had to do this for the welfare of me and the kids. Isn't that the future. Part of me would dearly love to get back together but I don't know if it has gone too far now. I do still love her I know that but at some point when your backed into a corner you tend to defend yourself. Am I doing the right thing ? Am I totally out if order? I ask this because I know she will struggle and I do care for her. I spent 18 years caring for her. unlike her I just can't switch it off. I'm not a machine. I am really struggling financially and I am supporting both the kids. I still feel so guilty. That's just how I feel and getting child support was a big decision but how do I sort it out with her when she will not even communicate with me. It's just not in my nature to hurt someone so much. I do still think she cares for me but I also think she generally thinks she went too far. I wonder if. There has been any moment at all when she has thought what have I done and maybe thoght of some of my good sides. I hope she has because I'm sure you can't be with someone for so long without them having something about them. After all we were together 10 years before we got married. I really think it's such a shame as I think we could have sorted things out. But if she really doesn't love me what could I do. Did I stand a chance. I know I wasn't given one. Ijust don't know. It's terrible when I really think about it . Take care sean

[mangonpineapple]

Hi Sean, sorry for the tough days that you are having. Sorting through personal stuff and the memories it brings is very painful. You are doing the right thing. You need to do this in order to help you move on. You also need the child support as you are struggling financially, and emotionally you have just been through the worst that person can go through. Do what you have to do. Do not feel guilty about going too far. You have rights and you are exercising them - and do not be afraid that this is further alienating her. She walked out of the M and is not providing for her children. Continue taking care of yourself and your boys as your are doing and I hope things will get easier each day. You will prevail. Hugs x

[sean1234]

After the last couple of weeks being so up, today I've come down with a real bang. The reason , jealousy. I just can't imagine my partner of 18 years in the arms of someone else. Is this normal to feel so low about.I just can't stop loving her even after all this time. I don't want to feel like this but I just can't help it. The futures going to be so difficult for me. I can't see anyway forward without bitterness towards her and especially a new man. I have to be so careful, I'm worried if I see her with someone else I could snap. Let's just say I would not be happy. I know I should just shrug it off, move on but I just gavnt been given a chance right from the start. We were so close, at least I thought so. Not only will it tbreak me bur my boys being a bit older will be devastated to see their mum with someone else. Yet I think it's an inevatability . I think it was so wrong to write in a letter to your sixteen year quote, I promise you the only men who will ever be in my life will be you 2. Now I know for sure she's not I to women so that's one he'll of a promise to make to your son and in my opinion wrong. I can see what she is doing she is letting him hear what he wants to as they have expressed how much this will upset them. Even so I think it is so wrong. They after all ate not stupid and nor am I. I am though still very heartbroken and today have shed lots of tears on my own. Think I've been storing them. I just want this all to end so much.no contact is hard but I am seriously thinking of moving away as far as I can get from her. What I f
don't see won't hurt and hopefully by the time I do see I might be healed enough to accept it. At the moment though I know I would lose it. Consequences or not. It would hurt to much and I'm afraid the fella would take the blame for it all. I know this is not right but I know me. I am very quite and gentle but if threatened I can look after myself shall we say. She knows 100 percent I would never harm her oor my kids, never have never would but if someone tried to rub my face in it beware . Yet I know this anger is no good for me but that's the problem at the moment I don't know if I'm coming or going and when I think I've hit a milestone I see to come crashing down. Am I normal, am I going mad , I just don't know. Back to the grindstone I suppose Thame care all sean

[spiderman]

Sean what you are feeling about seeing her with another bloke is normal....I feel the same way about my ex wife...I have moved away from the area where we lived so I wont have the oppertunity to see her with someone else......because if I did I dont think I would be responsible for my actions (on him not her I would never harm her in a million years).

Lee

[sean1234]

I know how you feel. Emotions all over the place. Truth be told I really miss her. I'm hating every moment of this and the last couple of days have slipped down near that dark place again. Just all doesn't seem real. I think quite alot, is this really happening. One minute I was happily married, or so I thought the next utter turmoil.does anyone else feel this way. It's been nearly 5 months now and I still can't but hope we could sort things out. I definently would like to see her and talk but I don't know how I should try or even if I should. I am in a better state to talk now but would seeing her put me back? I know I could crumble at any time and I would try so hard to act like I'm ok but I think she knows just what to say to press on my heartstrings and upset me. I'm sure some of you feel this way. It's impossible to spend so much time with someone and they don't know you well enough to know how to upset you. Same as it's impossible for us, the ones left behind to not love the person we married, after all I know I meant my vows. It all seems so cruel somehow. It is so easy to become complacent in a relationship and unfortunately for me, and some of you, you tend to trust your partner that marriage is forever. You don't mean it, I didn't. Another unfortunate thing is communication breaks down and when they leave usually , as was my case, you have no clue they were even thinking if it. How many of you who read this does some of this sound familiar.After they leave you are in such shock that you tend to go against everything people tell you ie no communication , giving space which in my opinion is normal as for me I told her I was texting and trying to make contact because I didn't want her to think I didn't love her. Problem is it tends to drive them further away and you just can't stop it because you don't see what your doing. Let's face it not many of of have expirienced this sort of heartbreak or we wouldn't be here.o don't think once they make that move to leave that you have much chance and even now I still have hope. I know I shouldn't and when I think of the last 5 months and how low down I have been I know I should not go back. But it just goes to prove how powerful love is. Who in this world other thanoir xs would we let treat us like this and then give them anything just for the affection we crave. No one .it really is such a shame. So many other people become involved that , for me this will be life changing. I hope for some of us that I am totally wrong and that I am typecasting for I fear most of us will allways love our xs and underneath it all that hope will never go. Take care my friends sean

[jellybean28]

I understand what you're saying Sean,

I had coffee today with my Ex's mum (we used to be very close), just in the hope that she would tell me he'd regretted leaving for OW. Couldn't have been so wrong, she was trying to get me to change my mind about his family and OW going to son's wedding in November, she even bought his sister along to give her opinion. I don't know what he's told his family, I still don't really know why he left, all I know is that I came away feeling like I was the one who had done wrong.

I still can't bring myself to meet OW or even use her name, I always refer to her as SHE to my Ex. While I couldn't hurt her physically. I have been tempted to send her messages in the hopes of causing trouble, but it just makes you feel worse.

[mangonpineapple]

Everything you are feeling and going through is so normal. I have asked myself a thousand times how someone I lived with for 7 years could so cruelly do what he did. The questions never stop in my head, as in yours. I guess, at the end of it all, we have to believe that the past is really the past and it is never going to come back. We can dream of how it was and perhaps of how it could be if things got back to how they were before the trauma, but it is all a dream. Reality is very different and it is painful. I understand what you mean when you say that you could not bear to see her with another man. It is normal. I do not even want to go there as it just puts me in a sad, bad mood. Being the one who has been left, it is normal to feel jealous. These feeling will go away, one day, I promise you they will. You will slowly adjust your thinking and attitude and one day you will be ok with it. I do hope that for you, there are more better days than bad days now. It is a real shame that the people we trust the most and believe we know, are the ones who hurt us the most. You will learn to trust again. It will take time and work, but it will come. My experience was horrendous and I do not get into the details on the forum. If you ever need to talk, you can email on abwwkt at gmail dot com. Hold on tight. Things will get better. I always think of the last lines of a poem I love which goes like this "....oh wind.., if winter comes, can spring be far behind?" It is a wonderful message of hope that there are good days to come. There is also another poem which I love which has wonderful and inspirational lines. Drop a line and I'll send it to you.
Take care of you and your boys. Mango x

[sean1234]

Hi all. If you read my story it all seems such a shame. The last thee days I've felt quite down. I just can't get her out of my mind. I've been spending quite a bit of time on my own. I think people around me don't understand. They think it's been 5 months now it should be over. It's far from over from me. I havnt spoke to my ex for about a month now and it still really hurts. She drove past me the other day and I felt pysically sick. I couldn't look at her. I don't know why. Will this ever end. Deep down I know I'd still like to make up with her but maybe I just have to give up. I spoke to a friend she had confided in and she told me my wife had said that she had ambitions and didn't want to come home to me and the boys anymore. She had plans and would be better off on her own. This confirms to me maybe she was having a mlf o r maybe thier is or was someone else. Why does this hurt so much. I feel bad about my life now thinking maybe I should not have been content with coming home and staying at home with my family. Of course I would have liked to do so much more with myife but I had to work for my kids. Why didn't she tell me how she was feeling. Why wait so long. I think we had the better years ahead and could have done so much together. Isn't this why you marry? I would have listened to her but she never gave me a chance from the start. She said she had finally grown up. What does that mean. Her job had gone to her head. It is just a teaching assistant. My job pays far more.I do believe if she hadn't got that job she would still be home. The irony of it is it was me who told her to go for it. She lied on her application about her grades to get the job saying she had a maths grade but she hasn't. Nobody checked and she got the job. She isn't qualified to be in her job but now thinks she is so much better than me now she mixes with teachers. If only they knew. It does all make me angry but underneath I still miss her alot , I married her because I , like we both said wanted to grow old together. Now I feel soonely and fe like I will never be settled again. Will I ever love again. Will I ever trust again. I know I am so scarred. I can't take on anything now. I am not nearly healed and I don't know if il ever be over her. Take care

[sean1234]

Hi everyone.havnt been on for a bit. Gone backwards. Missing my wife badly. Been no contact for a while now she seems to think I'm dead. 10 th anniversary of my mothers death today, someone stole my iPhone yesterday from work costing mr 350 to get a new one today. Just nothing seems to go right for me. Meds doc given me although seem to work and help me rep are making me gain weight which in turn is upsetting me. I just can't win. Be coming up 6 months soon and still I'm missing her loads . If she sends d papers through I just don't think I'm ready for all that yet. Do I have to sign them? I'm so sorry to everyone for going backwards again but it's just the way I feel. Cried for the first time in a while today and had to take a half day from work. I just could not concentrate. I hope your all doing better than me cos it seems neverending. Also I'm isolating myself again. I don't know why? Take care

[sean1234]

I'm really needing help. Yesterday I had a letter through telling me how much ex would have to pay me from Csa . Now I felt bad about thus and it upset me because I don't really want any thing from her. I still love her.anyway I was upset and felt very guilty. I had just sat down and remember she has ignored me fo 3 months. The door bell went and she had turned up. She had rung my uncle and auntie to come around too . So they were there. I was so shocked. No one had told me she was coming. I havnt even seen her for so long. She asks I want to see the boys. I said noes not a good time , my youngest had his girlfriend round my eldest had his friends in the room. I wasn't ready. At this she starts crying turning to my relatives saying see he's stopping me seeing my children. I said I was not don't you think we should try and talk. She said I've nothing to talk to you about I want to see my children. Anyway I let her in. She was hostile and twisted everything I said . I was so unprepared , many of the things u wanted to say just came out wrong or I didn't say them at all. She also kept pleading poverty and u said you havnt helped me with the kids in six months I'm I've supported them. She said you havnt supported them you went to pieces. She said to me your mums dead. Ossis it was the 10 th anniversary of my mums death yesteday. She said don't you think I know. It felt like a very low blow and mental torture.I told her she won't even talk to me but she just kept saying she has nothing to say to me. I think maybe she got the letter from the Csa. I said why didn't you let me know your coming round. She said you know I can't afford a phone. Yet my aunt amd uncle were phoned by her sister to come around. Why did noone tell me!I wish I had not let her in. I didn't want any of this. Me and the boys were laughing and joking b4 she came and now sorrow has filled the house all over again. I thought I was doing so well. She kept contradicting herself and my aunt and uncle saw through her. Of course I was upset . She said all my crying has turned the children against her yet it was ok for her to cry in front of them yesterday. I gave her all our photos a thee weeks ago and asked her too sort through them as it was too painful for me. She brougt round an album for each of the boys with photos of our memories, pets, holidays. All with quotes. What upset them was I was not in one of the pictures as if I didn't exist and I was nt there at these times. So cruel and I think that is emotional blackmail. Please help me I feel I have gone so far back again to that dark place. Sean

[georgie]

I'm so sorry Sean. That was such a tough thing to have to endure and so uncalled for. The CSA is her obligation, you do not feel guilty, it simply is what it is. Abandoning your family should never be easy! The CSA payment does not come close to 50% of the actual cost of raising the child anyway.
It seems your wife is not stable, and so I think she is behaving in this callous way towards you, the visit may be put down as a spur of the moment event, but carefully excluding you from the photographic records of your family history was a cold calculated act
She is not comfortable in the bed she has made for herself, but like most of these type people she will not take responsibility for it herself, instead she will twist eveything in order to blame you, and anyone else that shows her for what she is.
I've had similar incidents of unexpected visits, at one point my x arrived one Saturday night with his brother, it was so intimidating. Even though his brother was just as shocked as me at how my X behaved when he got here, it had a lasting affect on me and I am fearful of my X now . He tried to get in to the house again last Saturday, it really shook me for a while. My coping mechanism is to text my friends what has happened and they then rally to my support. Luckily at the time it happened I was actually chatting to JWD and Mark on MSN so that helped me a lot.
I empathise with you. It is incredibly cruel behaviour by her, she is utterly selfish.
Dont let her emotionally blackmail you and wear you down xxx
I wish I had something in the line of a solution for you, but the only thing you can do is build strong boundaries against her . Her behaviour is not your fault.

[sean1234]

I'm really needing help. Yesterday I had a letter through telling me how much ex would have to pay me from Csa . Now I felt bad about thus and it upset me because I don't really want any thing from her. I still love her.anyway I was upset and felt very guilty. I had just sat down and remember she has ignored me fo 3 months. The door bell went and she had turned up. She had rung my uncle and auntie to come around too . So they were there. I was so shocked. No one had told me she was coming. I havnt even seen her for so long. She asks I want to see the boys. I said noes not a good time , my youngest had his girlfriend round my eldest had his friends in the room. I wasn't ready. At this she starts crying turning to my relatives saying see he's stopping me seeing my children. I said I was not don't you think we should try and talk. She said I've nothing to talk to you about I want to see my children. Anyway I let her in. She was hostile and twisted everything I said . I was so unprepared , many of the things u wanted to say just came out wrong or I didn't say them at all. She also kept pleading poverty and u said you havnt helped me with the kids in six months I'm I've supported them. She said you havnt supported them you went to pieces. She said to me your mums dead. Ossis it was the 10 th anniversary of my mums death yesteday. She said don't you think I know. It felt like a very low blow and mental torture.I told her she won't even talk to me but she just kept saying she has nothing to say to me. I think maybe she got the letter from the Csa. I said why didn't you let me know your coming round. She said you know I can't afford a phone. Yet my aunt amd uncle were phoned by her sister to come around. Why did noone tell me!I wish I had not let her in. I didn't want any of this. Me and the boys were laughing and joking b4 she came and now sorrow has filled the house all over again. I thought I was doing so well. She kept contradicting herself and my aunt and uncle saw through her. Of course I was upset . She said all my crying has turned the children against her yet it was ok for her to cry in front of them yesterday. I gave her all our photos a thee weeks ago and asked her too sort through them as it was too painful for me. She brougt round an album for each of the boys with photos of our memories, pets, holidays. All with quotes. What upset them was I was not in one of the pictures as if I didn't exist and I was nt there at these times. So cruel and I think that is emotional blackmail. Please help me I feel I have gone so far back again to that dark place. Sean

[georgie]

Sean, thinking of you. You and the boys will laugh again. It may be time to formalise her access and make it clear that unscheduled visits are no longer an option for her. It is not fair for her to disrupt all of your lives like that. Dont let her project guilt on to you about this, it's a direct result of her behaviour not yours.
I did reply yesterday but somehow my reply has ended up a post earlier x

[sean1234]

Thanks georgie. I really have seemed to have gone backwards after her visit last week. I wasnt doing too bad now back to this despair again.no energy no life. No wife. Why didnt i see this coming. I look back and still dont think i could have. Is it someone else?? Id rather know. Maybe it isnt. I just dont know.

[mangonpineapple]

Hi Sean,
Hope you are feeling better. I know, it's a hard road to walk. Thinking of you and sending you loads of positive vibes. I know what you mean about seeing them/talking to them and then having a sort of relapse into that dark place..... Keep strong. We're all here. You are not alone. Hugs xx M

[sean1234]

Oh no its all so s..t. Ive not been feeling well fpr the last 2 days witj bad stomach. Still been taking meds, frietened not to. Anyway after last week im lying on my couch today doorbell goes.again she is stood there, presents and easter eggs in hand. I said oh no not agsin ehat do you want. She says to see the kids. Now anger kicks in. Straight away i said o told you afyer last time you must let me know your coming your out of order just turning up out of the blue. Last time you upset evetybody, let alone me which i know doesnt bother you but i told you if you didnt let me know im not letting you in.she had the cheek to say WHAT IS WRONG WITHYOU. I daid apart from you totally out to destroy me nothing now f off. Doorbell goesvagain. She ssid just get the kids for me. I said i owe u nothing and im not having them upset again just so u can feel better so go away and ring me next time. I them shut the door. I snswered again and said i tell u what il do what you did to me if you dont leave il call the police. She said give them thier eggs. I said ok if they want to thank you they have your number and know where you live. Why didnt you even let them know you were coming? Why have they not gone to see u? Whats her next move. Shows how much shescscared turning up on her own this time. Ive never touched any of them never would. Anyway its really upset me yet again and im left a blubbering mess. My youngest cryed loads saying he didnt want her coming round here. They feel she brings bribes. Thats what they have said not me. As she was leaving i said when will u start paying maintenance an egg will not suffice were struggling. She snarled never. Why do i love this women?

[luce]

Oh its all so horrible isnt it Sean. Holiday periods are hell for sure. Hugs honey.

[seven]

Sean i've just read your thread. I'm so sorry, sounds like you are having the most horrendous time. I cannot believe how she is acting around you, but also around her own children. What kind of mother does that?

When you say "why do i love this woman?" i ask myself this about my H time and time again, but i've come to realise that it was who he WAS, and the marriage we once HAD that i'm still in love with. I confuse the 2 sometimes and think it's him who i'm in love with, but when i'm in a sound state of mind, I know that if I was to meet the man he is right now again, and hadn't met the man I fell in love with years ago, I wouldn't even look twice at him - I couldn't fall for this selfish and uncaring man that he is today.

Unfortunately people change, and it sounds like your wife is one of them, along with most people's ex's on here.

I feel your pain, and I hate to think of you experiencing such hurt. Just keep thinking of the amazing things you have to be grateful for - your kids being the main one.

Sending lots of positivity your way.
Seven xx

[sean1234]

Thankyou seven. I feel like ive let myself down. Telling her to f off and again im all alone feeling guilty. I did ask her to let me know if she was coming and i honestly think i would have hamdled things better if i was mentallt prepared. Problem is she comes as and when and catches me totally off gaurd. Losing my temper is so hard when she doesnt seem to honour my terms. I just think of the 2 times i turned up at hers. Both times i was treated like someone she didnt even know. The second time she left me standing in the rain sobbing my heart out. Then threatens to call the police out of the window. I only knocked once. I just wanted to talk. I just wanted answers. Ive honoured her terms and havnt knocked since. It was devaststing and il never forget it. I wanted to drive off a cliff at that time. So so heartbroken. I suppose just broken. Still am. Will i ever mend? I even sent her a message tonight apologising for swearing and just asking her again why didnt you just let me know you were coming. I could have spoken to the boys and i could have prepared myself. Is she afraid by asking the kids would say no. Is she scared of rejection. If so she could speak to me about that as i think now i am an expert in that field. I asked her last time if she would come to a councillor or mediation with the kids if they agreed. All she did was shrug it off asif i was mad. I truly hate all this conflict. Xmas was awful. I think of it. It was the worst of my life without doubt. Now she must have known how bad it would be for her kid s and maybe thought i better stay near in case they need me. No. She goes away to her father who had to go into hospital who lives 4 hours away. She has seven sisters and a brother , surely one of them could have done that. Was she putting her children 1 st. She was gone for 3 weeks. They got one text xmas day and one text new years eve. I stupidly texted her happy xmas , the same new years eve but no reply to either. What have i done to deserve it , someone help me i dont know. 2 weeks b4 she left we were holding hands on holiday when behind this ive been told she was planning it for 16 weeks. Thats 14 weeks b4 we were on holiday. How can someone do that. Midnight walks hand in hand, making love on the beach. How was i to know. Then she asks me today what is wrong with me. Youve broken me my love. Youve totally ripped out my heart and soul. I didnt know she was so unhappy. She said she tried to tell me so many times. But she didnt. Im no mind reader. I would have worked on making her happy if i knew the causes as to why she wasnt. Is there, was there,was she attracted to someone else. Thats the million dollar question. One i want answering but will i ever know. Id hate her to find out now. Id have hated from the start if thier was or is. I just dont see how she can be happier now. I know me and the boys arnt. Even the dog misses her. She just brushed him off last time she was here. He was our baby. Slept with us since ge was a puppy. Can she not miss it all. Is it humanly possible. I like to think thier have been times when she has thought what gave i done. But with her now i dont know. I dont know anything anymore and im not living im just existing without my love.

[seven]

Sean, you have NEVER let yourself down - i know you feel such despair and utter hell, but you aren't the one who has done this.

I too have asked myself repeatedly how my H could do and say the things he did. I cannot understand how he has cut himself off from me the way he has. A few people on here told me that he obviously switched off way before I even had a clue we were having problems, it's hard for me to see that, but i'm starting to believe it, it's the only reason for him being able to do it. They dont' just suddenly switch off overnight - but they continue to act "normal" even though they've already mentally left.

My H bought me some wonderful gifts for chrismtas - put in such a lot of effort and sent me the most beautifully written christmas card. 2 days later he moved out. I couldn't understand it so asked him why he was so thoughtful and "himself" if he honestly didn't love me anymore. He just simply said that he "wanted me to have a good christmas". I still don't get it, but he seems to have justified it to himself.

I'm sure your wife is the same - she'll have been feeling all of this weeks before, but probably didn't know how to leave or how to tell you. I'm certainly not justifying her actions, it's just easier for me to try and make sense of it that way for my own sanity.

As I said before, your wife's actions are unforgivable in the way she has treated you, and your children - and even your dog. You may never understand why she did this - and you need to really stop trying to make sense of it - trying to make sense of it is what was driving me absolutely mental during the first couple of months (and still does a bit now).

I agree about the giving you notice thing - she obviously doesn't know how much this is hurting you, and I know so much just how much it helps to be mentally prepared. I've met my H a few times since the split, and each time i've been prepared. If he turned up unannounced, i'd no doubt end up acting like a screaming banchee because i'd be caught off guard. Don't apologise for that, it's absolutely natural. you don't need to apologies to anyone including her for that. She needs to understand that she has caused this situation, and she doesn't have an automatic right to just saunter in and out of your life like this. Stick to your guns, and stay strong about this. It's just not fair.

I know exactly what you mean about not living and just existing. It's so difficult, but it will get better. I'm not in a position to say "look at me, i'm living proof it gets better" because i'm not there yet. But i do know that even though i'm having really crap days, there are good days too. I'm building on them a day at a time - sometimes just an hour at a time.

You're doing the right thing by posting on here when you are feeling low - you will always get support from those who know absolutely exactly how much hurt and pain you are feeling.

It WILL get better, I can promise you that. Sounds like you have amazing children who can see what a wonderful father you are. you need to find strength for them - just seeing them strong will really help your recovery.

Just take each day at a time starting with tomorrow. Try to look for something positive and fun to do with the kids - try to find one thing to laugh at, try to find one thing to make you smile.

You will be ok sean i promise. We're here for you - and will listen whenever you need to talk about how you're feeling.
Much love xxx

[georgie]

Sean, everything that 7 says is true. It takes more time then we want it to, but you will heal in time. Her visits have to be regulated, otherwise she will continue to have the power to set you back, I'm not sure what the situtaion is re. mediation in England but I would suggest that you set formal times for her to see the boys, and make it clear that anything outside of that is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. I know you dont want to do this, but you may want to think about getting a restraining order if she will not respect your boundaries, she is harrassing you Sean and that is not ok.
Dont be hard on yourself, you are a human being with human emotions. You have been deeply hurt, and she has been continueing to hurt you. Dont let her hurt you any more.
I know you feel you still love her, but try to accept that you love the person you thought she was and not the person she is. Try to let go. Its not easy, but I think it is the only way.
I'm so sorry this is such a hard time for you, but this shall pass Sean.
Vent as much as you need to.
If you are feeling really down and dont seem to be getting any better, get back to your GP and get some help, be it meds and or counselling. You are only human, like the rest of us here, we all empathise with you and in our own ways understand how you are feeling.
Much Love also xxx

[UpandDown]

Phew! Have finally got to the end of reading your story! (over an hour later!) but blimey, what an absolute nightmare.

How are things today?

I think you should immediately write her a formal letter politely requesting she gives you notice of any visits to the house. You could also suggest you have a formal meeting to discuss terms of contact. Maybe your Uncle and Aunt would be happy to mediate this meeting? If not, maybe there is a friend who would be willing? The aim of the meeting would not be to discuss your relationship in any way, but just to set out in writing what you each expect regarding the boys.

Have you looked at cmoptions.org? There is a private agreement form on there for maintenance. I know you already have that sorted out through the CSA, but you could maybe put something similar together for access? The alternative would be professional mediation, but that would be expensive. You really must must must get this sorted out though and nip these problems in the bud. The more she comes round unanounced the more power she has over you - she'll make you anxious and she'll also reinforce in her mind the idea that you are obstructing her seeing the boys.

I have some observations from reading your thread. First of all, congratulations on doing such an amazing job! There are so many husbands out there doing what you're doing - I had no idea. You are obviously a good man and she is nuts to have left without trying everything to fix your marriage.

The main thing that came accross strongly to me was your questioning it over and over again. Why this, why that. It's because it's so traumatic and it's such a shock we are all just trying to make sense of it. It sounds like you have now been able to let that go. It is very liberating when we stop doing that - I know I was less exhausted when I didn't have that going round in my head. I think it was Helen who said the old wife has gone and you need to accept that. That's advice we hear time and time again on here and it's worth reiterating to ourselves over and over. If we can accept they've gone and are not coming back we can move forwards.

The other thing I noticed was how totally screwed up you wife was/is. My H also was thinking about leaving for a long time but didn't think it through. We have a 1 year old and a 2 year old and he thinks when we are officially seperated he will continue to come over each day to bath them etc. He also indicated we will spend special days like Christmas Day together. All I can say is, how deluded, naive and unrealistic is that.

The things your wife says are very confused. My H too contradicts himself all the time. I have found now it is better not to listen to any of it. It's hard when it's regarding the boys, but you will just have to accept that there will be people who believe what she's saying but you can't worry about that. You and your supporters know the truth and eventually even her staunchest supporters will realise she's a fruitcake. (sorry)

I may have missed a post or two but I was just wondering what's happened about your Dad? Also, has she moved into somewhere cheaper? I couldn't believe she wasn't just renting a room. I was also wondering what it is you do for a living. I can't fathom the teaching assistant attidude thing....Did she have a chip on her shoulder about her education? My H has a huge chip on his shoulder which I didn't know about, to do with him regretting not going to college.

Sorry for all the questions. I really hope you've had a good day today. Lots of love to you and your gorgeous boys.
Kathryn
x

[mdmquincy]

Hey, Sean... Honey, you are speaking directly from my soul... All the same things. I think they know what they are doing to us. I think they are hoping to break us. Break us so totally, that they can feel good about getting away. I think it is unconscious, but purposeful.

I have nothing good to say about what your wife is doing. I just know this, you must forgive yourself first. You could not have predicted this. A bold statement, but it is true. A good spouse would never spend all his/her time second guessing their spouse. If she said she loved you, and you believed her, then she is the fool. Not you.

Love and healing, Sean.

J

[sean1234]

Hi all thanks for the replies. 1st my father is still with me. He is retired and has been helping me out doing the laundry. I think she despises him for this. What i must say about my father thiugh is he knows loss. He gound his mother dead from a brain deseasexaged 14. obviously hes had to deal with the death of my aunt and my mum. He loved mu ex as his own daughter. He was more of a father yo her than hers ever was. So this has hit him hard and i know he is heartbroken. Everytime he has aeen her ie at the house etc he has treated her with dignity and respect. He hasnt had a go at all. What have i had from her parents . Pysical threats, name calling etc. Shows the difference. Easter day couldnt drop off eggs to my brothers as her father was thete. Apparently he told my brother he wants no trouble with my father but my eldest son who he had hit and my father passed on going round. I was never going to go. I couldnt trust myself near him after tge threats he has made. As to her living arrangements. Shes still in the 3 bed flat which is 825 a monrh. Hiw she is affording this i dont know but she says shes staying so the kids can live there when theyvsee sense. I think maybe she is in denial. Its 6 months now and me and the boys have formed a real strong bond. Sorry they are going knowhere. She has ti accept thus. Ive been told shes waiting fir me to mess it up with them and they will come running. Little does she know jve had arguments with them in the past and said right tgats it im not letting you uae this situation to get yiur iwn way gi live with mum. They stayed. I think thatcsays it all really. I work as a warehiuse supervisor and dont enjoy it but ive stuck it out fir my boys, and yes she does have a hang up about herveducation. When she was doing hercexams ger parents were i the midst of a nasty divorce. She always said she would never forguve tgem fir being so selfishvand not caring. Now shes done the same. I think shes messeed up. You are right i would have truly tried anything to save my marriage. I would have done anything for her. I love her and i hate her if that mskes any sense at all. Sean

[UpandDown]

Oh, Sean, I just think you're brilliant. Thanks for answering all my questions - I'm so glad your Dad is helping you out and I'm so pleased you have such a wonderful relationship with your boys. In my opinion, teenage boys need a strong male role model and as such she should give up on trying to get them to come and live with her. She is nuts to keep the 3 bed place. She's obviously not thinking straight otherwise she would rent a room for now, but make sure they know she would get somewhere bigger if they decide they do want to live with her. It does seem to be a bit of theme with our other halves that they are totally unrealistic and deluded a lot of the time! Staying sane whilst dealing with someone like that is a toughie, and by the sounds of it, you're managing great.

Well done for sticking with the job for the sake of your boys. This is such a hard road we are all walking right now, but we have to believe that it will get better.

I totally know what you mean about loving and hating at the same time. I think it's that thing of we love who they were and hate who they have become and what they have done.

At the moment I am having some time off being devastated - today I am feeling p'd off with grumpy. It's quite a nice feeling!

Love Kathryn
x

[sean1234]

Ive come to the conclusion i will never be happy again. My wife plagues my mind and whatever i do i just cant blank out my love for her. Life feels empty and ive simply had enough of this day to day hell. Meds are crap. Life is crap. Il never stop missing her. Ive had enough.

[mdmquincy]

Hey, Sean...

I am here. Sent you an email as well...

You do feel like crap. I know. It is a hell. The only escape I get these days is reading books on marriage recovery. Most don't fit my situation, but it shows me what can happen when two people try. We are the half that's trying, Sean. We can't move these mountains alone.

Meds-- the benefits come and go, and you have to give them time to work as well. Still, I love my Xanax these days. Whatever it takes.

But, listen--- you will be happy again. So will I. I am determined of it. We must get past this with the pride of knowing that we are not the runaways. We are the ones that stay. The strong kind. Worthy of respect. Worthy of honor. That's us. THat's who we are. The ones who never give up. Shoulder-to-shoulder soldiers for our family. Believers in what should be. All of those things so worthy.

Life is not crap... circumstances are. Just know that circumstances change, and you look for the opportunities around you. We are standing in crap, Sean. In fact, we are standing in crap, while a step to the left or right might free us. Yes, we are paralyzed to know which way to go. Just keep trying until you find that safe ground for you and your kids.

With my deepest respect,
Jennifer

[UpandDown]

Oh Sean you poor thing. I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. Wish I could say something to make you feel better. I just admire you so so much for how you've handled yourself through this.

I can feel your pain and confusion over the way your wife has treated you. She must be such a messed up person to behave like this. I really hope she takes a good look at herself and realises she has to confront her own issues.

But that's what I hope for my H too. Jennifer is right when she says about the standing in crap thing. We have to not let ourselves sink into it but gradually claw our way out, and I know at the moment it seems like "what's the point" - I feel the same way, but we have to keep trying.

In an earlier post you said your boys were your biggest achievement and how proud you were of that. You are so right - hold on to that. Because of YOUR influence, they will grow up to be sound young men who know how to treat their partners with respect and to carry themselves with dignity in awful situations.

I hope you are feeling better than when you wrote your post. Let us know how you're doing.

Thinking of you.
Love Kathryn
x

[sean1234]

Thanks so much. I had a good cry tonight on my own in my car. Listening to music. I know im torturing myself. I sent her a text just asking her if she does plan on coming round to please let me know so either i can go out or i will be better prepared as i said to her im still hurting and i still love her. I told her i miss my best friend which i really do.18 years with someone you tend to miss them when they leave you. Im just human. I have emotions. Im a very loyal person and feel so let down and betrayed.anyway as usual i got no reply at all, nothing just silence. Why? Wouldnt it be better for her to at least try and make some effort if not for us for our biys. They are innocent. But no nothing. So now i await her next move. Her turning more people against me with her lies. I feel trapped in this nightmare. When i came home my youngest noticed my eyes were red and puffy. He asked me dad are you ok. Unfortunately i burst. I couldnt help it. We had a big cuddle and he too started crying. He told me that now it is starting to really hurt him. He said all mum says is you will understand when you are older but he says im14 il never forgive her. I was on holiday with you 2 weeks b4. It was me she made lie to you when she showed me round her place. It was my xmas she ruined. Now he says he doesnt look forward to anything. His family is split in 2. As my brother is married to her sister he feels dustraught and misses his cousins. But he said il never leave you dad and i love you. He also saud hes struggling at school as hes finding it gard to concentrate. Her blanking me isnt helping him or any of us. How can she be so selfish when she herself went through this. Her parents didnt speak for 10 years after divirce. Seems to run in her family. Anyway il let you all know hiw i am tommorow and i really hope you ate all ok. Ive read all your stories and i know how you all feel. Its truly devastating and i think its only the ones on the recieving end that know really how bad it is. Outsiders and even family gavnt got a clue? Thinking of you all. Sean

[mdmquincy]

Selfish... that's the key word. There is no defense, nothing that could justify what these people are doing. I do notice the trends of it running in families. We will have to be especially diligent to keep it from spreading into the offspring. Yes, I am serious.

You have my email, the forum, and FB, if you need me. Let me know if you need me. Truly. I know where you are, and I know how lonely it feels. I know how bad it sucks, and how unfair. I can't fix it, but I can listen, and offer you the comfort of knowing that you are not alone, and yes, this is happening and it sucks. Sometimes that is just what I need.

Love and healing and answers.
J

[UpandDown]

And thanks Jennifer for hooking me up on FB. Sean please be my friend?!!
x

[luce]

Hi Sean, It hurts so bloody much hon i know. The betrayal is almost beyond bearing even now. It is awful that they hurt the kids too. Really does stink. I have started to swear in increasing amounts and use the C work a lot (i blame 7 for encouraging me :D )

[UpandDown]

Sean - I see you already are my friend. Not sure how that happened but very happy!

Luce - the C word talk peturbs me as I don't know which one it is..... every time you mention it I feel anxious as I am not swearing at all at the moment. (Have done it a lot in my head over the past year but not of late) Actually, come to think of it, when H leaves in the evening I close the door so it doesn't bang and I say "Bye" the under my breath "you d***" etc...... Nothing beginning with C though...... Woe is me. When are we meeting up? I could find out then???

Okay, am now spoiling Sean's thread with my inane rambling. Very very tired must sleep.

Love you all
x

[sean1234]

Im having problems today at work. You just cant trust anyone. My problem is im too open. As o e said i wear my heart on my sleeve. Im seeing this now as a fault in me. I must try and change this to stop people taking advantage of it. Someone said at work keep your fruends close but your enemies closer. Problem is im just not made like that. I have a conscience. Again another fault in me. Im finding our being the way i am is going to get me knowhere in life. Its done me no good so far. But its so hard changing who you really are. Again feel crappy today. Im a born worrier.

[UpandDown]

A lot of people in workplace are just covering their backs all the time. Carry on being you, Sean.

If it helps at all, I'm having a sh*t day too.

Love Kathryn
x

[sean1234]

Oh god help me. Got in from work , had a bath went to lie down upstairs for a while. Yet again she turns up at the front door. 3 times in a week. She now says sges tied into rhat house for a year. Originally it was six months. Csa have said theyvwill get money durect from her work. She has a go at me because she has to wait for me to answer the door. Still utterly convinced i have stopped the kids from seeing her she calls me evil and says she cannot believe the way i have behaved since she has left. Then she asks me when can she see rhe kids. I said il ask them. She then says when will that be when im dead. Then says she cant afford a solucutor as if she could by law they would be with her. At this point she is crying. Now i stepped back and thought this is a bit ofva role reverse. You at my door crying me not. Standing my ground. So i said ok then as you areso convinced i have stopped the bous seeing you lets say im saying do not come hete anymore. You have blanked me for six months. Now if you want access to the younger one get a solicitor as we cant communicate . Anything i have said you have dismissed. So im in a strange place now. She stormed off. She doesnt seem happy. She seems very unhappy. More unhappy than when we were together by far.i think its gone too far and she is too proud to admit to that though. I teally think she is messed up. Maybe as bad as me. Karma. She actually said that she thought i was happy. I told her if u think im happy you ate unstable love. Im a long way from happy. But for a minute when she cried and i didnt, sounds terrible but i thought thetes some justice in this. You have messed it all up havnt you. I almost smiled. Felt bad about it but she has made me suffer so much i couldnt help it. Is it coincidence now csa contact me today to tell me they will be debutung from her wages starting this month as she has not replied. Now she tutns up 3 times in a week. I dont think so. I think she now is scared.

[mdmquincy]

I don't think you are being selfish... all this time to be the victim, I think it is only human to see the role reversal with a bit of relief. Just remember that you did not create this situation she did. Don't pity her. She'll do that all on her own.

I hope she is hitting bottom, Sean. But, I'm not sure. I am thinking of you and your boys... wishing you all the luck and soul-searching in the world.

Love and healing and reflection,
J

[tulisanuk]

Hello all,

I am also suffering the same as most of you in hear. Firstly, 5 months ago I've been made redundant at work but managed to transfer to another department at a low salary. Last Sunday my wife went out as one of her female friend is having trouble at home. 3 hours later I called her and ask what is going on and does she want me to collect her as it was a bit late at night. Her reply was no I'm not there and said that she is comforting a male friend as the girlfriend just walked out on him. So, I ask what time will you be home then? and she simply said not tonight. I said what the hell is happening and all she can say is I'll explain in the morning. I was furious and said to go home right now as all our kids 14, 9 & 6 years of age are looking for her but to no avail. She came back the following morning and as soon as she step in the house called our daughters and me to sit down on the table and immediately said that she was leaving me. I didn't know how to respond but instead said that we can work this out but interrupted me and said that she will not change her whats over while my 2 daughters are now crying their eyes out. Anyway, all begging from me and my daughter did not matter at all as she was so determined of her decision. I gave her space to think about all week and sat down again with my girls and offered counseling but the respond is solid that nothing will change her mind and again my older girl repeated and beg this time with my 9 year old saying to at least try but she completely ignored this. I cried and cried until no more tears coming out of my eyes asking the big question why. All offers I made was all denied. The following week she just started doing her own thing coming home late even she promise my kids that she will be on time and the worst time is when she called in and said that she will not come home for the night, My girls are now crying everyday and asking questions to what is happening with their mommy. All I can say is that mommy is a bit confused right now and let us all give her space to thing for herself and probably will realize that what she's doing is wrong. I was wrong to say that because now she will leave for good to be with this man to a near by house so the kids can visit on a daily basis and stay 1 or 2 days a week. I don't agree with the idea but what can I do? The worst part is she will only pay the mortgage for the month of April & May but wants me to keep the house and she will help out with the other expenses. I don't really know how will I make ends meet and worried now that I will loose the house. I will complete be converting the the first floor and create a bedroom to rent but still falling short. I hope someone in here can give me some pointers to re- start my life.

I love my wife so much after 20 years of marriage that I offered her to come back if her relationship doesn't work. Call me a fool but I mean every single word of it.

Thank You

TUK

[UpandDown]

You poor thing that all sounds dreadful, especially with the children. I can't understand where she's coming from.

First of all, the best piece of advice is to look after yourself. Don't put too much pressure on yourself each day. Just getting through it at the moment is enough.

Well done for being such an amazing Dad. There are quite a few men in your position on here and I'm sure they'll be able to advise you, also some women with similar aged kids (I can't really help you with that as mine are very small.) I imagine, however, that they will need some kind of support to get through this, either a kind family member or counselling? Because she sat you all down and told you together they might think it's something to do with them? I don't know though, but even if they seem okay I imagine there will be a massive impact on them - at school etc too. If they clam up it could be because they are being strong for you so having someone else to talk to will help them i'm sure.

You must be so so shocked. The thing to keep in mind is that you may never get the answers you are desperate for right now. When this happened to me I couldn't stop torturing myself with why, why, why, but it's counterproductive. You have to try and focus on yourself. Well done for having a plan for a lodger. Get as much advice as you can on your financial position and try not to worry about it too much - it's her responsibility as much as yours. Don't agree to a financial arrangement unless you are sure you can manage on it and you think it's fair. Cmoptions have an agreement form you can download and use, but as she is doing things in a very hostile way you might need to involve the CSA to get a fairer deal? Again, I haven't had any experience of this yet, but the security of your home is vital for the kids and so should be her no1 priority.

I'm sorry to hear about the redundancy - you must be absolutely reeling. But the fact that you were able to transfer departments show you're a really strong guy and you will manage to get through this.

There are people on here who have been the victims of adultery (I may have been but as yet undiscovered!) and I know it is a whole other board game. mdmquincy just posted a thread about the different kinds of divorce and you might find that helpful to read.

Just re-read your post and had missed the bit about her messing the kids around. You need to try and put aside your emotions to come to an arrangement with her as soon as possible for their sakes. It's not acceptable for her to go back on promises she has made to the kids and as you are left to pick up the pieces you need to make that clear to her. Again, an agreement between you about access asap will make the kids adjust quicker.

What a horrible sitution. I know it's no comfort but everyone's other halves in here seem to have a lot of the same selfish traits and a lot of them think it's okay to go about things in a horrible manner.

I hope this has helped - hopefully more people will post soon, but if not you could start your own thread and repeat your story.

Keep strong - you're doing amazing.
Love Kathryn
x

[sean1234]

Hi mate im glad youve found this forum and please keep posting and reading on here. The advice and best of all the people are so valuable. They all have helped me through some dark times as im sure you have read. They truly ate wonderful people and now i am friends with alot on face book a d by email and i hope to form lasting friendships as i will never forget the help they all have given me. I love them all. Now to your thread first id like to say how. Sorry i am about what has happened to you mate its truly horrendous. Unfortunately our exes just become monsters overnight and dont blame yourself for this. I did and im only now beggining to understand its them not you. My boys are older and are finding things hard. You poor kids , i just dont know how people can do these things to them. I know if my boys begged me id do anything. I truly mean that. They are my purpose in life. I created them with my ex. I like you would do anything to avoid something as traumatic as these events which will live with them forever. Please concentrate on you and them. Hold on to them with all you have. Our exes become very devious. Do you have any idea how long this affair had been going on. Were there any signs? Did she become distant. Remember though there is and was nothing you could do about it. The whys ifs buts just go round and round in your head and make you ill. You have to try to focus on looking after you and your girls. Get legal advice about the house asap. Contact csa asap. These ate things i held off in the hope she would come back to her senses and come home. Did me no good though. She has to be made aware of the consequences of leaving as soon as possible. Maybe then, just maybe she might reconsider. Dont make it easy for her. She wouldnt for you. Its unaceptable her letting her girls down and i feel for them and you. Come to an arrangement if you can otherwise think about a mediator. My wife still now is convinced im stopping my boys seeing her. Shes gone mad. For months i keptcasking them to see thier mum but all this seemed to do was cause us to argue.so now i dont bother. Im leaving it up to them. My eldest is nearly 17. My youngest nearly 14 . If they want to see her i wont stand in thier way. I do know though she will try and turn them against me but ive been on my own now with them for six months and im convinced anything shecsays will justvanger them. Thier such good lads and im very proud of them. Your girls are alot younger and this must be very gard for them to take. Give them all your love and im sure they will be ok. Please get legal advice though asap. For all of your sakes. Take care friend sean

[sean1234]

Back again. The last thew confrontations with her seem to have had a big impact on me. They seem to habe really set me back. Im really isolating myself which i know is wrong but cant help it. Stuck with my own thoughts i almost feel jealous of other peoples happiness. I had alot of invites to go out tonight but just dont eant to mingle. Think now im more depressed than ever. Shes done areal good job on me i yell ya

[claire]

Hi, I hope you are feeling alittle better today. I just wanted to write to you and say that you need to get yourself back on the right path before it becomes to hard for you to see anything but hatred and dissapointment. i know it probably sounds easy for me to say it but you have to set yourself a goal or aim. if she does or doesnt come back you need to find yourself again. you both were very young when you got together and had children just like me and my husband and it is hard you forget who you are and why you were together in the first place. You need to let her see how you can cope without her and let her see the man she fell in love with at the start is still there. its so easy to fall into the normal every day life we all lead and people just forget about each other and begin to take each other for granted. When was the last time you kissed her good night, just because she was going to bed not because it was going to lead onto something else or just made her a cup of tea without her saying ill have one. its the little everyday thoughtful things that show women they are loved. Also she most have been 16 when she gave birth to your 1st child, she probably feels like she missed out on so much of life and can see it passing her by she just panicked and now doesnt know what else to do. She has obviously been thinking abt leaving for a while and finally did it. My guess is its not what she expected, been a mother so young and being someones partner ( by expeience) you start to imagine what your life could have been like not that you would change it because you wouldnt have you children and your family but those thoughts become day dreams but these aren't reality she will be realising it now. I hope this is of some help i just wanted to let you know they are people hear who are going through experiences like yours and we have all come through the other side. Next time someone asked you to go out say yes even if its for a hour you need to, this is what will get you through this and keep smiling because soon you will be smiling and you wont even realise it but you will be. set yourself a goal , you are worth it you have to believe inyourself before anyone else will.

[dazed and confused]

Hi Sean
I agree with Claire, it is those little things that women want more than anything. She might also have felt she had no real control of her life any more.
I think it would be hard for her to ask to come back now,even if she wanted to. Why does she keep coming over? I know she wants to see the kids but there are ways without coming over all the time.
When she comes how do you act? Even though your hurting and want her back.When she comes to the door are you narky? I find when my H lets his guard down he gets more narky,to hide his feelings then I get narky back. I know it's because there is so much pain there and we hate to let our guard down. It's hard not knowing your W or what's she's thinking. If it was me and I came over and my H was looking good and happy.I'd start worrying it was to late to come back. I really feel for you.I understand your pain.

Take Care
Val

[sean1234]

I must admit when she came yesterday i was narky from the start. Simply because she never said she was coming. Ive all but given up hope of her coming back but i did text her afterwards and told her if she thought as she said i was happy she must be mad. Im just telling thetruth. Imnot happy and i miss her. All those little things you mention i must admit for some i was lacking but it is a 2 way door and i feel i would have liked the little things 2.i think we both took advantage of each other but never said what was bothering us. She did say we never even argued. Maybe if we had this might not have happened. In highnsight i would chang alot. But she
never gave me the chance. Ivenever said i was not at all to blame. I will take my responsibilty in this to the day i die and have learned many lessons from this.i know my faults and became too comfortable but i think it happens to alot of people and if i blame myself for all of it il nevervheal. Maybe its all just gone 2 far now. I know knowone made her laugh like me and likewise. 18 years is a long time and i was also young when we got together. If she had not fell pregnant who knows where id be now. One thing is for sure on my part. I love my wife and i would have done anything to try to mend this. For me, for her and for my kids. It has been a total lack of communiction from the start. But lets not forget i tried so hard to talk to her and was ignored for months. Still am now. When she came around the first time i asked her please can we just talk. She said we have nothing to discuss. What can i do. I am in limbo land still after all this time. If im jonest to myself i think i gave to face the prospect that she will never come back as i dont think il ever get my shot. Do i deserve one. I think maybe i do but when someone says they will always love you but are not in love with you , now i dont think i ever stood a chance. Anyway i hope you understand from what im saying that i do understand what you mean about the little things i truly do. I miss the little things the most. The kiss goodbye in the morning . The cuddle b4 bed. We always did thise things and i mentioned this to her . She said those are things we just did. Im beggining to understand the little things simply were not enough for her. Id have liked more our time too. We just never said. Its a shame it really is because i think if we gad talked from the start we could have been happy with each other. I know we felt at ease with each other. I dont know im just rambling on. I know the rollercoaster will go on and on. I just hope i have tge strentgh to get off that carraige before i cant . Thanks everyone sean. Oh i did go out tonight by the way . I forced myself and although underneath it was burningvaway inside i did laugh and i did smile. I know my fruends are important . I must get out more.

[dazed and confused]

Hi Sean
I have to say I'm like you.I wear my heart on my sleeve also.I'm glad to hear you went out and laughed. I'm still trying to figure out.Why the one who leaves never wants to talk about it?It doesn't seem to matter if they are male or female.I'd love to know the answer to that one. When you said your jealous of other peoples happiness.The mall is the worst place to go everyone holds hands there. I do know how hard it is you just wish the pain will go away. Sorry just having a bad day.

Take Care
Val

[sean1234]

We all have those so dont be sorry. Its all baby steps. Did enjoy last night. But im feeling a little fragile this morning lol

[claire]

hi, glad you had a good night. I'm sorry if you thought i was implying that it was somehow your fault that your wife left, its just im in a position where my marrigae is very rocky to much to go into now. we were together very young and have three lovely children. I can just see that she took the step to leave either right or wrong, you shouldnt blame yourself in any way what either of you did or didnt do while you were together is in the past now and you need to start a new chapter weather it be apart or together. She needs to know and the boys when its the right time to come to see them. If she turns up unannonced just poilty say its not a good time. I know its easy to say but she has made her bed and you are dealing with the after math so its no good to your peace of mind or your childrens for her to just turn up and upheaval everything. I also understand that you still love her but you derserve someone who loves you back the same way you love them. Keep smiling. claire

[topro86]

incredible how life unpredictable is! Is there anywhere something nice to hear?? why are people making their lives harder than they are??? i am sorry to see you are in such situation! The problem is really big... remember don't try to do anything on a force! First of all let her for a while, don't bother her. Believe me she will think of you every single minute,since it si not possible to be with someone that much and not to think of him. But if you call her all the time she will know that you are suffering more than she does, so don't do that. Don't let her know what is your life right now, if you do that she want be interested in that, but when she doesn't know she will be interested, which means she is going to think of you! Then after some time is passed...for example 20 days or more, depends how long u can control yourself, Call her! But have on mind your voice tone, it has to be cool, calm, like u are doing well, like nothing has happened! Than ask her if she missed you...no matter what she says, don't change your tone, or your way of talking...don't react on that when she says she missed you! Then tell her that she made mistake, a mistake that has hourted many people...and that pain is big, undescribeable !! Remember don't change your voice tone... be calm, i know it is hard! tell that she misses to the kids, the house is missing her, and you can mention some other stuff too, but at the end say that you missed her too...that nights are too long without her, endless.... that you feel like someone toked your soul out and left mechanic body to fullfill everyday jobs. Tell her that your doors are open for her and that you are waiting her to bring you back your soul, and your sense of life...HER!! Just remember to stay calm, and not to get upset or to cry..that is very important! if she don't give you answer at that time, tell her to think about it....and tell her to meet you at some restaurant on a dinner in a day or two, don't ask her, just tell her you are going to wait her there!!! And be sure to be there! I wish you all the luck!!! Hope it will work! Best regards...and remember to do exactly as i said. You can thank me after all with all your family... ;) have a faith!

[sean1234]

Mate ive tried all that. Its been six months now. If im honest beimg apart from her has just made me so utterly unhappy. I married her planning to grow old together. I had no indication we would ever split and its ripped me in 2. Im 38 years old. Lost my nan at 17 who was like a mum 2 me, lost my aunt who commited suicide aged 63 the very next day my mum died. Now i lose the women i still love. My life sucks. Ive no confidence. Its been so long since i even thought about chatting another women up as ive always been very faithful. Day by day this is killing me just as my wife said it would. At times i want to just give up. I think ive been on the verge of a breakdown for sometime now. The ups and downs are still going on and for six months now im beggining to just think sod this ive had enough. I think shes had plenty of space . Shes been living alone for six months. In that time she has not been nice to me once. Not once. It kind of destroys you inside and you start to believe maybe i am to blame. Im bored of my life. Day to day. Go to work , a bit around the house, pet the dogs, pop round my mates, feed the boys, give them money, take the meds. Its all crap. I have no time or money to do anything myself. I mean i cant even listen to music because it upsets me. My brother whos msrried to her sister has been to see me once in six months. That hurts. Hevsays to my dad hes under the cosh from his wife. I dont even want to go to there house anymore. He used to drop off my nephews every saturday and they would spend the day with me my dad and my kifs. Since she left they havnt been once. Why am i being tortured. I never left . Im the same person as before all be it a hollow version. The one with the false smile. I hate work. At the moment i hate life. Maybe they would be better off without me around. Just let them all get on with it. This has driven me mad. Ive just gad enough my brain cant take anymore. I give up. Shes won

[UpandDown]

Sean don't give up. You've been doing so so well. I know life seems boring and cr*p at the moment, but it will pass I'm sure. You are an amazing Dad and a wonderful human being. She is questionable in her commitment to her kids and she has behaved despicably. You deserve so much better. I agree we all deserve a chance to put things right, and when our other halves don't give us that it's torture.

Do you think the meds are helping? Maybe you need to go back to the GP again for a review?

I'm sorry about your financial position and also the situation with your brother. It's unfair of his wife to stop him seeing you. She should understand you need his support - it's a shame he can't be firmer with her on that one.

I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow. I'm struggling to get myself to bed right now. Couldn't sleep at all last night. I haven't done anything either though around the house....all feels very odd. I guess we just have to be kind to ourselves during this period.

Love Kathryn
x

[sean1234]

I am going to go back again to the docs. I just think seeing her the last 2 weeks after not seeing her 4 so long has put me back. I just looked at her and thought i love you . Why ate you doing this to me. I have so many unanswered questions that maybe il never get the answers to. Its my sonsbirthday on wednesday. Im dreading it. I know shel turn up. Probably when im at work. Try to twist him against me. By her being so happy. Dafs just miserable at the moment. Maybe hed be better off with her. I cant snap out it. We are all different. Im quite shy snd reserved.shes alot more outgoing than me. But mentally she was prepared and must have gone through what will happen when she left. Slightly different for me.im very tired. Started work at 7. Selfish as it sounds im getting the urge to run away. Give her what she wants.get oout of this job.its just a thought at the moment.at the syart i was hearing she was tied into her flat for 6 months. Now she told me its a year. Has she resigned. I have to pass there every day on myvway to work. I so wanted her to move. Its funny cos im sure it was her that said she was thete for6 months. I remember her saying she will end up on someones sofa. How is she affording to live. It doesnt add up. Im not being told something. I just have a gut feeling.

[claire]

Hi, im glad you are going back to the docs. My husband suffers from depression has done for years and the quicker you get help the more benifical it is, he tried lots of different meds before he found the right one, everyone is different. He has very low and high days but the meds kind of take that edge off so you can deal the hard parts of life. You say abt your finances are you getting everything you are entitled to, I'm sure if there is one adult in the house you get 25% off your council tax bill, also tax credits are you claiming them, im pretty sure everyone is entitled to them. If you are have you told them abt your change in circurstances as you might be entitled to more. Plus if your children are still in full time education you should be getting child benefit untill they are 19. Every little helps doesnt it. Below is a link for online benefits it wont help just to check as it also tells you if you are entiltled to tax credits.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Diol1/DoItOnline/DoItOnlineByCategory/DG_172666

I hope this is of some help to you, I just wanted to say that i agree that she left when she was mentally ready and you had know idea so you are behind her emotionally. But thats ok and you are right to be totally pissed off and annoyed at her she has broken your heart. but just remember if you love someone you dont want to hurt them in such away and you derserve to be loved. You will be ok I know its hard to see it now but you will be you have to believe in yourself and your future because it can only get better you have hit the bottom, now you have to get back up. Dont give up.

[sean1234]

Hi all . Boys bday yesterday. Iasked her to let me know when shed drop off his presents day b4. As usual no reply. Turned up after i left for work. Family days are very upsetting and seem to set me back. Feeling low low low tonight. I dont know how shes doing it. It seems just never ending. I want to be able to just not care. Id give anything to stop hurting

[sean1234]

Oh by the way no card or present from her parents for my son. Unforgivable. Hes only 14 .

[mdmquincy]

Hi Sean... Sorry the cycle has begun again. I feel like I go from resolute to destitute in moments sometimes. Proper medications and coping skills are helping. Daily.

I want you to know that I have had the same feelings about running away or just ceasing to be... I can't imagine that it is not typical to feel this way. I still have my moments, but all in all it is getting better. Just know the difference between the fantasy of the "deep sleep" and the harsh reality and legacy of action.

Do you have to answer the door when your wife comes round? You have politely requested notification (actually I would make sure that you have that notification in writing) before she comes to visit. Why would she refuse if she wasn't a mess? She also has to know it is hurting her relationship with your son. Can you change the locks? File an order of restraint? I'm not sure how your legal system differs from the states? Even a good neighbor (or a nosey one) might be willing to help you from being sabotaged so frequently. You need a set visitation schedule so that you can be well-prepared and she doesn't feed her rage by catching you off guard.

Sean, listen, listen carefully... People care about you. I care about you, as do others here. People are absolutely morons with how to deal with these situations. I have been most aggravated by this situation. Your boys are there for you, too.

I'm going to say the words that I so hated to hear in the first few weeks. Words spoken here and everywhere else, words that split my soul. Hear me out, because I hope to say it in a way that a doubter like me could understand.... People told me to take care of my kids, put them first. I didn't even feel like I could stand on my own, and everyone was telling me to stand for someone else. I tried and tried to do and say the right thing, while being surrounded by the selfish people that you just described in your scenario. The only ones to hear me were my poor baby girls. Imagine telling me to stand for them!

Well, <mumble, mumble, mumble>

They were right, and I was wrong. Standing up for my daughters has helped me stand for myself. Helping others, especially my daughters, has helped me strenghten myself--returned some of my self worth. Ask your boys what you can do to "fill their love tank." Ask them to give you simple tasks that would help to show your love and devotion. Also ask them to do a few small tasks each day to show they care for you. By tasks, I DO NOT mean take out the garbage, clean the table, run an errand. By tasks, I DO mean things like giving hugs, telling a joke, sharing a cup of coffee, asking about your day, 15 minutes of undivided attention, listening to a favorite song together. Notice these things are not really elaborate or designed for hoop jumping. They are designed to be everyday, everyway ways to show you care and to hear that you are cared for. It really is making a difference at my house, a difference to everyone. We were all on empty so long, and it helps to see that we matter to one another.

I have taken that same principle into my classroom. I was always an involved teacher, but knowing my secret war at home has really helped me to tune into the pain of others. I have become a source of outreach, a bridge to guidance, and a shoulder to lean on to so many 8th graders who are begging for someone to listen. Someone to give them a pat on the shoulder, someone to say I'm proud, someone to inquire about their day, someone who'll stop a minute and chat to them. I want them to know I care, and every smile and thank you I receive helps me know that I am worthy, and that others are worthy. It's really rewarding! Really. I bet there is someone at work, something or somebody that needs your attention now. If your family is at all like mine, I know your boys need that extra attention.

(Some of my students do not wish to share, and that's okay.... I just let them know that I am there, if they ever need an adult to talk to, someone to listen or find help for them. You see, I can't counsel all the ills of this age, but I can let them know that I care. I can help them find help and restore their faith in themselves and the adults around them.)

Sean, you matter to me though you are so far away. Your boys matter to me. Let me know how I can fill you love tank? How can I show you that we care, what can I do to help you through. I am at your service. You are worthwhile-- worthy of my time and attention.

Love and healing and love tanks,
Jennifer

[sean1234]

Thanks for your post jen its really kind. I inderstand what you are saying. I do think i have made some progress. I mean at least i can concentrate at work. I find the times like xmas , my boys birthday. Knowing that they all had a christening in the family without so much as telling us. That includes my brother by the way. The no card for my boy. These are the things that are prolonging this nightmare and yes i do think at times ive just had enough. I try to think how did she feel at xmas, how did she feel only seeing her son for 10 mins on his birthday. How did she feel at the christening without us , on her own. Can she really be happy. Makes me think was it really that bad. So many questions . But if was me id be devastated. Has she really changed that much. Is it all a front. Has she had doubts?as to what you can do , just listening and knowing you care helps so much you dont quite know how much. Your all keeping me going. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Seanx

[UpandDown]

Sean I can imagine how much it sets you back her turning up unannounced...it sets me back when Dan turns up and I know he's coming! From Sunday we are properly seperated and he won't be coming here at all. My only contact with him will be on the doorstep...

I also know exactly what you mean about the family occasions. It's because our thoughts about how things should be now and stretching into the future haven't yet adjusted. So when there's a special day whatever happens you're comparing it to the film in your mind of how it should be. We need to get to a point where we have made this new altered reality the normality and that is the film playing in our head......Hard though I know!!

You have done so brilliantly and there's good suggestions in Jennifer's post. Think I will follow the advice myself!

Thinking of you
Love Kathryn
x

[jellybean28]

Just read your recent posts.

I understand how you feel about family events. While my kids have grown up I'm having problems with my son's wedding later in the year. (story is on my thread if you want to read it).

If it helps the family things do get easier as time passes and things will get easier. Take one day at a time, baby steps if you need to, whatever works. Don't give up your sons need the great dad they have and they love you unconditionally, hold that thought when things get you down.

Jen has given you some good advice, just to echo, look after yourself do what ever it takes, good food, time out, exercise, fun things with your sons. Rememeber we're all here for you, the forum has got me through and I've met some amazing loving, supportive, wise people along the way.

Sending positive vibes and hugs your way JB

[sean1234]

Hi all been sitting thinking when i got home from work. The question i want to ask is most of us on here are on thr recieving end now heres the question. Is it possible to stop loving your partner. I dont know if it is. I know i love her but i hate what she had done. But i love her still. Would i takw her back. Yes of course i would. Does this seem crazy or do some of you feel r
the same uf you are really being honest with your self. I spent 18 years with her and i didnt really know how much i loved her till she left. I wonder if this feeling one day will creep into our exes minds. Maybe they think thibgs have gone too far, or they maybe too proud , or maybe they think coming back would make them look a fool in the eyes of others. For me i dont care what other people say. Yes at the start my pride took a great hit but i am only a man. Point is i didnt leave and if im honest i still love her very much.maybe this is what i have to face and domething i am going to have to live with.i do silly things. I dress as smart as i can thibking oh she might pop round but then i say to myself she gasnt come to see you for 6 months. But still im afraid i live in hope. There was a time we were inseperable and i cant believe she hasnt once, just once missed me. Take care all sean

[Helen_uk]

Hi Sean.

It may not be possible to stop loving someone who has been such a huge part of your life for so long , but it is possible to get to a point where you don't want them back.

Did I stop loving my ex ? If loving him means wanting him in my life, then yes I stopped loving him. I value myself far more now, too much in fact to put myself through that again . I couldn't go back to a relationship where I felt I couldn't trust him ( and I know I never could ). I also realized that you may love someone, but for it to really work out you also have to like them . How can I like someone who could treat me so badly ?

It's been 3 years for me, and for a good half of that I would probably have gone back to him had it been asked of me. I'm now so grateful it never arose because my life is so much better now.

This man left my hospital bedside after my attempted suicide to go phone the woman ( girl really ) he was having an affair with......This man destroyed my self confidence .....cheated on me....He left me broken in pieces . Now I'm healed, whole and happy.

I learned to love myself , that it's OK to be me. That I'm worth it. I wouldn't risk the peace of mind it's taken me so long to get back.

When you have kids together especially ( we hadn't ) you are always going to have a bond , you have a perfect right to your feelings, and they don't just disappear if your partner walks away but believe it or not , it is possible to get to a place where love them or not , you don't want them back , you've moved on.

Nobody can tell you how to feel , it's just something you do.

Hugs

Helen

[sean1234]

Thanks helen i think im on the right track. Your right about how can you want to be with someone who basically has tried to destroy you. She knew what this would do to me. She said in her only letter to me i know this will kill you. Well im still here. Still going to work everyday. Ive got ambitions but i must heal before doing anything drastic. I know this. Thankyou sean x

[mdmquincy]

I'm glad to see credit given where it is so richly deserved. Good on you, Sean.

[jellybean28]

Sean
been sitting thinking when i got home from work. The question i want to ask is most of us on here are on thr recieving end now heres the question. Is it possible to stop loving your partner. I dont know if it is. I know i love her but i hate what she had done. But i love her still. Would i takw her back. Yes of course i would. Does this seem crazy or do some of you feel r
the same uf you are really being honest with your self. I spent 18 years with her and i didnt really know how much i loved her till she left. I wonder if this feeling one day will creep into our exes minds. Maybe they think thibgs have gone too far, or they maybe too proud , or maybe they think coming back would make them look a fool in the eyes of others. For me i dont care what other people say. Yes at the start my pride took a great hit but i am only a man. Point is i didnt leave and if im honest i still love her very much.maybe this is what i have to face and domething i am going to have to live with.i do silly things. I dress as smart as i can thibking oh she might pop round but then i say to myself she gasnt come to see you for 6 months. But still im afraid i live in hope. There was a time we were inseperable and i cant believe she hasnt once, just once missed me.
Sean I fully get where you coming from with this, I too felt the same way. 2 1/2 years on I still love the man I married but sadly he's gone for good, and a stranger now inhabits his body.
Dress smart Sean, do the things you love to do that make you happy. So if she does come around, she will see that you have moved on with your life and can live without her.
The best investment I made in myself was getting a life coach. In the last six months I have become a different person, from the needy pathectic wife I used to be. I am now confident, independant and happier than I've been in ages, just need to work on the body and when the ex next sees me he will be in for a shock. Never know I might have a new love in my life by then, I know I deserve it.
Hope my rambling has helped Sean, :)
Take care JB

[luce]

Hi all been sitting thinking when i got home from work. The question i want to ask is most of us on here are on thr recieving end now heres the question. Is it possible to stop loving your partner. I dont know if it is. I know i love her but i hate what she had done. But i love her still. Would i takw her back. Yes of course i would. Does this seem crazy or do some of you feel r
the same uf you are really being honest with your self. I spent 18 years with her and i didnt really know how much i loved her till she left. I wonder if this feeling one day will creep into our exes minds. Maybe they think thibgs have gone too far, or they maybe too proud , or maybe they think coming back would make them look a fool in the eyes of others. For me i dont care what other people say. Yes at the start my pride took a great hit but i am only a man. Point is i didnt leave and if im honest i still love her very much.maybe this is what i have to face and domething i am going to have to live with.i do silly things. I dress as smart as i can thibking oh she might pop round but then i say to myself she gasnt come to see you for 6 months. But still im afraid i live in hope. There was a time we were inseperable and i cant believe she hasnt once, just once missed me. Take care all sean

Oh Sean i read your post and i get you i really do. I have been thinking about this one this evening. Not so much would i take him back but more about my life Sean.

I liked my old life with my H far better than i like my new life. I am trying to like my new life Sean, i really am. I work so hard at it too. I keep busy, work at the positive attitudes, laugh a lot, party, work out, nurture old friends, create new. But the truth is that this new life is painful, lonely, needy and generally hurts like hell. I am never, ever comfortable in my own space Sean. Thats what i miss more than anything. In my old life i was so comfortable in my own space. Words like needy, lonely and desperate didnt figure in that life. And now they do. It is bloody horrible babe.

But you know something Sean - it will get better. It will get better for me and it will get better for you. I hang onto the saying: 'when one door closes, another one opens, but it is bloody uncomfortable in the corridor'. Thats where we are right now Sean - we are in the corrider. But when the time is right we will walk through the door and find our place in the world.

As for your sons birthday honey - that is so sad and it is truly unforgivable. How utterly disgusting!

Hugs to you babe. xxx

[sean1234]

I never thought about enjoying my own space but you are so right. When iwas on my own b4 i felt totally happy, peaceful and enjoyed my own space. Now its all the time i hate it. I seem to pace about thinking il do this il do that. All the time really thinkingvabout it all. Find it so hard to relax. Update . Bous recieved a letter from her . Fine. Problem withbletter she was paying them 10 pounds each a month into thier banks. She told them she has to cancel this as now she has to pay me csa directly. Tells them how much and when she is paying. Then goes on to say she cant afford her rent this month because of this and said its only a matter of time before she gets kicked out and she will let them know when this happens. Says she will have to throw away all the furniture she has been given whichvshecsays is suchva shame. Then goes on to say solicitor says they can live with her but she would have to go to court to make this happen and no matter how evil dad thinks i am i would mot do this to you. Well uve thought about this letter. 1 st kids want to live at home. 2 nd ive never stopped them seeing her thats been thier own choice. 3rd im so so pi..sed off because she is emotionally blackmailing them. Its wrong. She could sell her furniture and or take it with her to a more affordable place. Shes given me nothing money wise in 6 months now she has too shes really come out of the woodwork. I can see what she os doibg. Shes trying to make the boys feel sorry for her so she can stay in expensive place. Am i wrong to be angry. What can i do about this? Why is she doing this. She is so convinced they fontvwant to stay at home. Its been 6 months.6 months . What do i do. She said she wanted to tell him this before but she dodnt want to spoil his birthday. Is she in cloud cuckoo land. She spoilt his birthday the day she left. My boy thanked me for makung his birthday better. She just turned up after id left for work spent 10 minutes with him and left. Whats going on . Please i need advice. Shes slowly killing me.

[Helen_uk]

Firstly, it's unlikely a court would force the boys to live with their mum against their wills..They are old enough for their wishes to be taken into account, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Secondly, she is using emotional blackmail to try to get you to say she shouldn't pay maintenance for the boys.. The amount is up to the CSA and not you, and she should have thought about that before taking on such an expensive flat...To blackmail your sons like that ( by saying she can't pay them pocket money now because of the CSA ruling )is downright cruel, she's doing her best to try to throw the blame onto you... your boys are far too savvy to believe that though I'm sure.

Everything that's happening to her is done by her own hand , she made all the decisions and now she's going to have to face the consequences...Why should you feel guilty ?

I'm not surprised you're not enjoying your own space right now... it was forced on you and you're living in a constant state of anxiety .

You should be angry Sean, I'd be livid , and ( being honest here ) I'm starting to wonder just how well she knows her own sons if he thinks these tricks are going to work. In fact.. I'm angry for you.

Hugs

Helen x

[UpandDown]

Hey Sean

Keep a copy of the letter. You could also write her a formal letter to confirm the situtation as you see it. You could mention the 6 months of no money which forced you to involve the CSA and that your joint incomes do not allow for two large homes. She seems to be in cloud cuckoo land.

On the other hand you could try and ignore her pathetic attempts to try and make you feel guilty. As Helen said, she has brought this on herself. When she left you she could have stayed with a friend or rented a room until you guys could figure out your next move, instead she went hell for leather getting the big place even though you couldn't aford it.....she's just not been realistic.

Try and stay calm and just keep being a great Dad to your boys. If you can manage not to say negative things about her to them that would be great - Jennifer has some great lines that she uses with her kids to help them cope with her other halves erratic behaviour - maybe you could use them too.

Sorry I didn't speak to you saturday night - I was at the cinema. Not sure how to find that message now. Nevermind, am writing to you on here!

Take care
Love Kathryn
x

[sean1234]

Just gave her a text saying not to stop the kids pocket money il post her 20 pounds every month to cover it. No reply. Didnt think id get one . Never mind.

[luce]

I did similar Sean. When my H let my boy down with his provisional driving licence i sent him a text telling him to send me back the completed form and i would pay for it and send it off and never tell the lad anything about it. I so much wanted to protect my boy from hurt. But he never responded to the text either.

I have come to conclusion that i cant protect my son from this kind of hurt. That i can simply be the best mum i can and try to take up some of the shortfall for him by supporting him. I know his dad has hurt him. I also know that we are closer than ever and he is aware of that and is glad of it. Your boy is aware of it too - just look at how he thanked you for making his birthday better. :)

[Helen_uk]

She didn't reply Sean because she doesn't want you to come up with solutions to the problems she's creating ! She's trying to make you look bad and herself better so every time you come up with a simple solution she has to re-think her plan.

Kathryn is right, you HAVE to stop focusing on her and start thinking about you. Don't solve her problems for her , look after your sons ( you're doing a fantastic job ) and look at your own needs , she isn't thanking you, she's resenting every little thing you do. So........ don't do them.

She appears to have created this whole persona for herself...the " poor me " syndrome and it's not working out for her , her plans is failing . She's none to happy about that and it's showing .

Hugs

Helen x

[luce]

How are you doing Sean? Thinking of you dear. :)

[UpandDown]

Hi Sean

Anything you wanna share with the group????!!!;)

Hope you're doing okay.

Lots of love
Kathryn
x

[sean1234]

Where to start?all i know now is i am back to feeling terrible. I am having major grief at work basically have been set up for a fall by the manager as when 7 months ago he was reprimanded over his skills because he treated me so badly. He had powers taken away from him and has basically tried to drop me in it and get me the sack. Now hes saying im a risk as 3 seperate general accidents happened. Only one is true the other 2 are not. Anyway ive got a meeting with my bosses on monday . Hes a vindictive ass. I hate him . He knows im going throgh hell with 2 kids and hes trying to get me sacked which could happen. Strike 1 letter came this morning ex wrote to boys telling them how much csa she had to pay. I get letter this morning telling me she has appealed against it. Strike 2 last but not least. Ive been talking for a while now to my neighbour. Yes the same neighbour who x confided in. Shes been lovely to me . Some harmless text flirting went on and one day we just seemed to click and kissed. She hasnt had alot of luck by men and has been on her own over a year. For me its been 7 months. Anyway things progressed between us very quickly and we really enjoyed each ithers company. So nice to have someone that cares about you and just to cuddle. We decided that utcwas going to be hard to stop and for the 1 st time in a long time i felt a bit of happibess . I think bcos we k ow each others baggage and have known each other for a long time it felt so easy for us. We didnt have to hide anything. On friday she cooked me dinner and i went to hers and watched a film. I then spoke to my boys . Youngest fine. Eldest completely freaked. Told me i have ruined everything and in wednesday he is leaving to live with his mum. I was devastated. Even my father who lives with us backed him. Ive been made to think ive done something so so wrong. Yried to explain to him how lonely iam a nd that ive accepted mums not coming back. She wont even talk to me. So as it stands ive had to cool it off with her even though i dont want to. I feel as though i am being blackmailed. Now i know for sure i am moving away from my father as this about tops it off with his interfering. I am the boss of this house, i feel ive done nothing wrong. I actually really like her . I feel trapped alone and so so unhappy now. She has said she was sorry for caising trouble and would wait for me but it is wrong. My x is not coming back and after the way she has treated me frankly i dont want her. This is no rebound thing. I knew they wouldnt be happy but i didnt expect this. He even pushed me and threatened me. Im so so lost . I want a cuddle and i could have one as im writing this but now im so scared as what to do. My father even said in front of my boy id be a laughing stock and shed be hated for splitting my family up. He said you want to keep ur boys you cannot see her. F,,,, cks sake im nearly 40. I can make my own choixes and my own mistakes. I have been left by my wife. Im lonely. Im so un happy yet the past week i actually felt very happy. I felt that tingling when you see someone in your stomach. I havnt felt like that for so so long . Strike 3 your out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sean1234]

Its saturday night and im sitting here on my own with my dog. What was i doing last saturday oh yrs sitting here on my own with my dog what about the saturday b4 oh yes, well you get the idea. Just last night i was having a glass of wine laughing and joking. Smiling and cuddling someone i do actually really like even if others dont. I dont care what people will think as long as im smiling . Ive been smiling all week now i just want to curl into a ball . Ive had it. Its so unfair. Ive never any money to go out. All my money goes into the bills the house and the boys yet i am mot allowed to do as i wish. The girl i was seeing knew everything about me and had said to me the reasons my wife left were qualities she loved in a man. She said she told her this. I believe in fate. But if thier is a god hes really putting me through hell. What have i done so bad to deserve this. Do you know how good it felt cuddling up to someone who wanted me for me. Not to change in anyway bcos they already knew me so well. It was fantastic. As ibsaid we just clicked. I need help i dont know what to do.

[mdmquincy]

Sean,

I am so happy you have found some happiness. I hope you don't let it go. Whether it is permanent or not, it is deserved. Is there no middle ground? Is it all or nothing?

I am concerned that your dad and your son have so much control over you. They don't sound very supportive, but I am not privy to the whole situation. Can they verbalize their concerns? Can you not sit and talk over where and how you should proceed. Let them know that you want their advice, but as you said, F sake you are almost 40, and you will have the final say.

Move wisely, but suppressing your need for companionship seems like a really bad move and a bad message to your boys.

I don't know, truly, but I am on your sides as ever.
J

[UpandDown]

Hi Sean

This is a nightmare situation....I just wanted to say about your meeting tomorrow at work, try and stay really calm. I know you're feeling really angry about everything and you have every right to be, but tomorrow it's really important you don't make it personal between you and your line manager and you just stick calmly to the facts. If it helps, write a list of the three accidents and next to each one list your involvement or non-involvement to get it all straight in your head. It might also be good to have a copy of your company's disciplinary procedure in front of you so you can be clear where you are on it and what they can do. It sounds like they supported you before so they are obviously fair minded bosses, so if you can control your feelings and stay professional I'm sure they will work out the truth of the matter for themselves.

I know that another major problem with the work thing is the fact that you don't really like the job and you are only in it because of the wife and kids. Try and remember that you are also working for yourself. Sometimes I resent a lot of the things I am doing but then I realise it's for me too and I feel better about it. Perhaps you could tell yourself that you will start looking for a new job that you will enjoy more? That might help if you're only seeing it as temporary. Also, if all is sorted out over the disciplinary, try to be as upbeat as you can at work. My H lost two jobs through being miserable (although he didn't realise he was being) because of what else was going on in his life.

The other thing that you might find helpful is to make a detailed budget/list of everything you're paying out for. Are you getting all the benefits/tax credits you can? Are you entitled to anything because of your Father? You should be able to afford some leisure time one way or another - staying in on your own (even with the dog!) is not healthy. Even on full benefits people can afford to go out once a week......

Good luck with the situation with the neighbour - you know my thoughts on it. I just want to echo Jen's words that I am totally on your side.

Love Kathryn
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[sean1234]

It seems to me that everone is against me. Everone tells her im on the rebound. Everyone tells me cos she has 3 failed relationships im mad and people will laugh at me. I hate the place im in now. My eldest wont talk to me and has said hes going as i know what i have done is wrong and theres nothing i can do about it. So quick to forget what mums done. Also the fact he wanted nothing to do with her for so long didnt help things at all.worried sick about wirk tommorow. So im at a crossroads . Dad said to me i have to do as the kids say or they will leave and im going to end up with nothing. I hate this. Its funny when we are together im happy. Cant they see im so lonely and finally me realising its over with mum is huge. And it is over i know that. She has ignored any communication ive tried to make. Still dont know why. I could understand if i was violent or a drinker but im not. They dont see its all been abiut what she wants. Im scared lonely isolated. Could lose my job. Not allowed to see who i want. Whats the point. Im once again back in hell

[sean1234]

Im hating every minute of it. Life really does suck!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mdmquincy]

Sean... The situation does suck, but it will not last forever. I have had a bad week, too, but things are looking up again for me. Just last week you were miserable, but you found an oasis of comfort. There are other happy times ahead for you... I have been emailing the samaritans this week to get through, it's been a lot of help. The adddress is http://http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm. You can phone, but I prefer email. Lovely system. I am hoping the best for you. You have people who care about you. I do. I support you.

Jennifer

[sean1234]

My boy has just had another go at me. Frankly im sick of it. He said we were fine b4 i did what i did and he cant live here anymore. I feel like im being blackmailed. I was not happy b4 . Everyone here knows this. He even said now i am nothing to him. What do i say to that. I was relaxing in front if the tv trying to forget the trouble at work tommorow. Ive tried to be calm with him. Tell him i didnt want our marriage to end, i tried and tried with his mither but she never gave me a chance . I dont think i ever stood a chance but i did give it the best i could. Now i cant stop my feelings towards this other girl. Its come as a shock to both of us. But i really do like her. What is wrong with that. My 14 year old has been really understanding. Ive told them nothing will come between us but im very lonely and i just cannot be told who i can and who i cant see. Will thungs work out betwwen us, i dont know. I do know i have feelings for her and she does for me. Im not letting that go. Im not being told what to do. Ive been left to do as i pkease as a grown adult. I can make my choices and my own mistakes but that is my business. Im not discussing my sex life with my 16 year old son. Im just not. That is my business. He seems convinced his mother will have no other man. Im not. I know she will . Shes a very attractive women of 34 . Of course she will. I know my son is in pain and so am i , but i have to be able to make my own choices right or wrong.

[Helen_uk]

I hope things didn't go too badly at work today Sean. Let us know what happened ?
x

[UpandDown]

Yes - been keeping everything crossed for you. x

[mdmquincy]

Curious here, too. How did things go with the boss? I hope all is well with you and that you are finding a balance between the your needs and the needs of others.

Check in, Sean.... we care.
J

[sean1234]

Hi all been chaos. The work thing is uncomfortable but ive still got a job if everthing works out. Not very nice so im having some holiday to chill. Now bad news, my boy was so stubborn he left gor his mum yesterday. I just felt i had to stick by my guns. Understandably for me this was harrowing to say the least. Im still seeing my now girlfriend. We get on so well and seem to want the same things in life. I know now me and my wife wanted different things thats why she left. Maybe one day she might reflect on the decision she made and who knows regret it. Especially the way she did things and the way she conducted gerself after she left. Im not ashamed of breaking down. I think it showed how truly shocked i was and that i loved her. The time i spend now with in this new chapter is at the moment really nice when im with her. Now its not us its all the others making a fuss. One thing this has taught me is to be strong and if when im with her ifeel happy i dont see im doing anything wrong . Hugs all sean

[mdmquincy]

Sean, I'm proud of you for standing your ground--Relationship, or no relationship. I encourage you to continue contact with your son though. He seems to me to believe that he has more control over your marital situation than he should. Like he has some power to change it. If so, he is likely very confused. He can't make your decisions, he should not. He is not giving you the respect you deserve. Still, I think you should give him respect. not for his actions, but for his potential as an adult male. You are his role model. You are doing well setting healthy boundaries, but I encourage you not to go into the other direction.
If I'm overstepping here, I apologize. I am 100% for you and felt compelled to share my thoughts.
J

[sean1234]

Your not overstepping. Il try to contact him every day. Im angry that hes not returning my texts but i love him dearly. Hes my son. Its not me being stubborn i just feel happy being close to someone. He is very confused at the moment and im sure when the dust settles hopefully he will understand i tried so hard to save my marriage but i had to give up. It was killing me hugs sean

[sean1234]

Hi all havnt been on for a while been so busy. Thought id give you all an update. Well to start the person giving me grief at work was dismissed. Which meant premotion for me. That was a massive weight off my shoulders i can tell you. My relationship with my ex is still very bitter. I have tried talking to her but shes so angry at my new relationship. She texted my new girl last week saying the most strange things. She said she was no friend of hers, shes poison and she has stole her husband and stolen her life. Very confusing to me.as you all know i tried so so hard to reconcile but i have had to move on. It was not planned, to be honest i didnt think i was ready but she makes me feel very special and showers me with affection. She is not the girl i thought she was and if i have learned anything from this its you never really know anyone. Weve been going out alot and i seriously think we can be good for each other. Were very similar in our morals. My eldest is still being a pain but he will have to accept things. Im the only dad hes got. Hes controlling my wife now to the point that she cant gave any of ger family i. Her place and i poty the man she ever brings home, he will go mad. Ive just let him know i love him he always has a place with me nut i cannot let him decide who i can and cant see. My youngest is so cool with it he generally likes her and they have lots of chats. So things are good. Oh she went for csa as soon as my boy left but unlike her il pay. Hes my son and i owe him that. No arguments how much il make adjustments. She did something that made mevangry though and that was my youngest asked my oldest why cant dad pay for me and mum pay for you to which he replued dad earns more than mum and we will get more. Now i know that came from her but my youngest was upset about it and he is not seeing her so why be like that. Anyway i hope you all are getting on fine.catch up soon sean