He did it!

[tishtash]

What can I say... well my husband got back from Butlins on Monday. I went onto facebook to look at my profile and the search history bought up a girls name and a place. I asked him and he said he was looking innocnetly cos he'd lent her his phone cos she was lost and he wanted too see she'd got back to her friends. I often look at his site (sounds terrible I know!) anyway this girl requested him with a message saying "don't give strange girls your surname.. they may just add you!" I looked her up and sent her a message she asked me to ring her which I did, She admitted they had slept together! I confronted him and he said he can't remember!!! He had drunk alot and took some pills, eventually he admitted he remembers waking up on a settee in her and her mates room. but doesn't think anything happened.

I have moved out with the kids, just the fact that he put himself in this position has devastated me. I don't "know" if he did have sex, he reckons shes crazy! He now feels terrible and says it has took this to make him realise how much he loves me. He is constantly sending me messages etc a little too late I think. But I just don't know what to do or think! I feel sick, can't eat or slepp. I've seen the Dr this morn whose given me diazepam to help my anxiety and sleep. I don't know whether to go back, on my terms of course and when I can look at him without feeling sick and thinking of them! I need to know what really happened, but he insists he doesn't know! The girls from the other side of the country so why would she lie! She did text him at 5am this morning saying "ding dong hahaha" what does that mean? he says he thinks shes trying to mess things up!

I can't stand the lies. Any advice greatly appreciated!!

[Helen_uk]

Reading back over your previous thread it seems there were major problems before this happened.

I can empathise with you looking at his facebook page as you obviously have reasons to distrust him , don't beat yourself up about it...sometimes the only way we have of finding the truth is by going with our instincts.... and facebook is an open site on the whole.

You know your H and don't know this girl , who does your gut tell you is telling the truth ? Would she have reason to lie ? Would he ?

Your previous thread mentioned your H felt terrible about what was happening... here he is feeling terrible again....

As to knowing " what really happened "... you're only ever going to have one version or the other unless a third party was around to let you know or one or the other of them confesses.

If you're feeling this bad now, would knowing the facts make you feel better ? The fact is that whether or not your H slept with this girl or not , he put himself in the position where it could have happened and that was enough to make you doubt him ... I'd say the doubts were there before hand...

My advice ? Take a step back, have a little space and a good think about whether you can continue in a relationship without full trust.

Hugs

Helen

[tishtash]

Thanks Helen!

I don't know if its my gut or my heart doubting what she said! I trully want to believe him, but I think he could think that him remembering etc would end everything, maybe he's lying to save his skin. I thought she sounded genuine at first, why would she give me her number? what has she to gain from lying? maybe she enjoys the drama (seems so with her texting him this morning) so many questions??

The thing making me doubt is that I know my husbands drinking well enough to know that after so much he just collapses! He admits to waking up on the sofa in her apartment alone, fully clothed. He sent her a message on Tuesday asking her what had happened she said that "it was all her" whatever that means. I feel like calling her again but worry what she might tell me!

You're right about the trust though, I only know what state he was in, through him telling me this!! I don't know what to believe. I do believe he is genuinely sorry, but as has been said he put himself in this position! How can I go back to normal? but I can't imagine any kind of meaningful life otherwise!

I opened my own bank account today! don't know what to do with it yet!

I've been with him since I was 17! such a long time :(

[Helen_uk]

Sounds like total confusion and I bet it's all going round and round in your mind...That's why I suggested you have a little time out, sometimes it's hard to think when you're stuck in the middle.

Perhaps , once you've had some space you and H can sit down again and have a heart to heart ? I think he needs to know what your boundaries are.. and what the consequences are if he breaks them. Perhaps ask him how he thinks things could improve if you gave your marriage ( and him) another chance ?

You've been together a long time so I imagine you're pretty good at judging if he's being honest or not . How willing is he to sit and talk things through ? What would be " normal " for you ? Would it be possible to get back there ? So many questions ( sorry ! ) but they are the kind of things you should think over...

Good luck !

Helen

[tishtash]

Its the sex part that I can't get by. Him saying he doesn't know! How could I ever sleep with him again if it happened.
I've just been on the phone for an hour and he still says he can't remember, but through tears! I told him how important it is to me to know the truth and he just stayed quiet, saying I've told you what I can.
Don't know what to think!

[Helen_uk]

Then I guess you have to think about whether to believe that... or not . How likely is he to lie to get himself out of trouble ? Does he drink heavily enough so that he can't remember what he's done ? What does this other woman have to gain by saying he did ?

If it turns out that he did have sex with her ( at a later date ) can you forgive him ?

Which is worse for you.... living with him and not knowing the truth or living without him not knowing the truth ?

It's a difficult situation and I really do feel for you but I think if you look inside yourself you'll have the answers already there......You've also got your children to think about. ... and what's best for them.

Marriages can and do survive cheating but it requires a lot of work, rebuilding of trust and a good dollop of remorse . If you give him the benefit of the doubt, and go back, you then have to think about what needs to be sorted about the previous problems you had together.

I have to say that I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt more than once , normally when I had no proof that he'd cheated and I sooo wanted to believe he wouldn't do that to me. It was only when proof was forced in my face I finally did what I knew I should and walked away for good. Looking back I can see it was never going to work, he had no respect for me at all.... but I loved him enough to overlook that . I WANTED him to be faithful . I WANTED to believe he was being honest. Deep down I knew he wasn't but it took a while ( and as I said proof ) for me to face that.

Hugs

Helen

[tishtash]

He's agreeing to everything I want, he says he will let me have the car everyday, to not go out, to do more as a family etc. I've told him to just give me some time, let me think it through. I still can't stand to look at him, with images of THEM together...though he still denies any memory of it!

I'll just have to plod on and see what happens. My friend are all surprised by how reasonable I'm acting towards him but I guess they've not experienced this!

[Helen_uk]

Then I think you're doing exactly the right thing...giving yourself some time to think things through .

I really do wish you the best of luck with this , you sound like a strong person and I think eventually you'll reach the right decision for you.

Helen

[MSC71]

don't fool yourself. Your husband saying "he can't remember" is total B.S. Why go back to him? He was being dishonest, and now that he is caught he is still telling lies about not remembering etc. etc. etc. So he is still lying to you. And now he is saying whatever it takes to get you back.


Edit: just read your first thread and sounds like nothing has changed. Drinking and hanging out with women? That is just crazy. Probably not the first time he has cheated either, just the first time he has been caught.

Not trying to sound rude, but you need to be away from this man and work on your self.

[tishtash]

Well, he's admitted it. He says he can remember and doesn't know what he was thinking. I'm devastated but at least I know now. He says he's realised how much he needs me and loves me and that he will change evrything if I come home. What to do??? I do know hes genuinely hurting. I really can't at the minute!

[huting]

On these forums, all we can do is offer our advice and support and it is for you to decide what to do with this advice and in fact your life. Only you can decide the best course of action. Do you stay or do you go? From your previous post you said you were not happy because he was always around and out with girls, so what's changed? Nothing,infact its now worse because he has slept with 1. In my experience and of people I know, the partner claims to change is great for weeks, months or even years but then once they get bored again or someone turns they're head.theyl be off.
The only way around it is to ban him from completely going out without u, which is not a good way to live. I know he's your husband but you dfeserve much better then to be treated like your second best and to people/girls he doesn't even know. If he's truly sorry hell try everything to get you back. Its up to you what you do with it. A leopard rarely changes its spots, I say rarely because ur hubby may be the 1, so here's hoping I'm right. X

[Helen_uk]

Can I be blunt here ?

To say he didn't know what he was thinking... hmm I disagree...what he WAS thinking was you wouldn't find out.

My ex told me ( when I took him back after he first cheated ) that he would never do it again ,that he would make me trust him ,I could check up on him night and day , check he was at work, check his phone, his PC history, whatever it took....For a few weeks after we got back together I didn't do any of that ,hoped to be able to trust him without the need to check up....Then, one day. I checked his phone...Was he happy I'd done that ? NO ! Why ? Because he knew what I'd find. It was invading his " privacy " !

He was up to his old tricks within days of me taking him back apparently.....

Had your H confessed voluntarily what he'd done then just maybe you could have found a starting point to rebuild your marriage, as it stands I'd say that's gonna be pretty hard to do . He's perpetuated the whole thing by lying about it. In your shoes I'd be wondering just how many times previously he'd done it and not been caught...

As huting said it has to be your decision , but bear in mind, whatever he's saying now is designed to get you to take him back and won't necessarily be truthful... He's hurting ? I think that pales in comparison to the hurt he's caused you.

I think before I'd give him another chance I'd want to see some concrete progress in his behaviour ... stopping drinking, taking responsibility for himself and his actions , sorting out his finances and proving he means what he says with actions and not just words. Talk is cheap.

I'm so sorry you're going through this tishtash , having been there ,as so many of us here have ,I know it feels like total devastation.

Helen x

[MSC71]

Exactly what I was trying to say. He is still lying by saying "he doesn't remember" . Seems like an ongoing issue with him and I doubt he will change. Right now he was caught and he is saying everything he can to get another chance, which is just a bunch of lies too. If he truly felt this way about you he would of never done this in the first place. Don't fall for his tricks. Especially since he is still lying. Nothing can be repaired if there are secrets out there. And I guarantee you that this is the only part you know. There is probably other times that he didn't get caught.

[tishtash]

Its comical really, he's saying all those things you've mentioned to get me to come home. I sincerely do believe that this is the first time. He says that he thought he didn't love me and vice versa, but this has made him realise!

He did come clean to me yesterday and told me everything! well i hope everything! He's begging me again today, I've told him to just accept that I'm prepared to talk/text him and that i have every right to cut him out of my life! he says he can't live without me! He's going to have to learn how to I'm afraid, at least for the time being, until and if I feel I can trust him.

Thanks all for your comments so far x
Tash

[georgie]

on reading your post my gut feeling is that he is a liar. he was trying to make contact with her again when he was caught, if he had woken up in a 'strange' womans place on the sofa - I don't think he would have just left not knowing what had happened and then tried to contact her via FB. I think he has failed an important test re: repentance ie when given the opportunity to come clean and be honest he instead resorted to more lies. In my opinion, if he is sorry, it's only for getting caught. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but having been on the receiving end of such lies I appreciate the value of reality checks now.

[tishtash]

Just thought I'd update....

I'm still at my sisters with the kids we are ok there for now. He is still texting me all the time to apologise etc. I went for a drink with him yesterday afternoon to talk about things and found I could actually look at him without wanting to ram something through his face!

He has given me a list of things that he will change if I come back. Really its many of the things that I complained about before this all happened. He says this is the biggest wake up call ever! I do think I believe this!

I've told him all I can offer at the minute is to speak to him and maybe go for a drink to talk sometimes. I feel if there is any future for us we'll need to go back to the start.

I'm not too sure about the house though, as I said we are fine at my sisters, she lives alone and has plenty of room and loves having us!
He says that me n kids should move back home and that he will not be there when we are, unless when I go out he will come see the kids. That could work, but at the minute I feel that I'm controlling things. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. I guess I just need to see his promises in action.

He's come off facebook, changed his number and tidied the house from top to bottom even sorted out my wardrobe :eek: certainly not a job for the weak as I'm the biggest slob around! He's back to work tomorrow and thats the biggest test for me, to see how he handles all that.

Time,Time,Time ~ the word everyone keeps using.

Oh and "chin up" my head will touch my ass if I follow this advice anymore! lol