marriage

[Unregistered]

hi,
i am a norwegian woman, i am married to a nigerian ma.
since 7 years he always stays out for 1/2 year. then he comes back. when i tried to divorce, he always got very close , stating that he loves me and so on. he never supported our marriage financially. i used tio have a lot of money so i didnt find a way to really force him to do so, since money was there anyway. now money is out and he is out and i have found out that jhe is living with somebody else in nigeria having a baby with her.
he is refusing to tell me. i have given him until 31 of May to be here. The problem is that we have two children and that his culture has a totally different view on divorce. i would have liked to divorce now because it is tearing me up. but his friend who is also close to me says that i should gove him time so that i can confront him and get him to tell the truth so that i can give the reason when i divorce.
my other problem is that i still have so much feelings for him. it seems sick to me when i look at myself since he is obvioulsy using me, only in our good times we had such wonderful experiences together.
i go thriugh so many different feelings. i have dine so many things for myself and i really feel i am moving on(working on my own weaknesses in the household, starting to refind my creativity etc.)
but what i cant understand is why i still love him.
how can i work on it?

confused in germany

[Liz]

Kjaere Norske Pike,

You seem to have found one of the key issues here and that is the difference in culture. In African cultures polygamy is not seen as wrong. Sometimes it has a positive effect - the first wife is not abandoned, but installed in a house nearby and cared for despite the new wife.

Have you someone wise that you can talk to, to help you sort out your priorities? What do you want for yourself and your future and for your children? What do you want from your husband? Can you stand in his shoes and understand the way he sees life, so that you can judge what he says and does from his cultural view rather than only from your own? That may help you to see a way forward rather than just ending up in conflict with him.

Someone is going to lose in this situation, as your husband cannot be in two places at once and it seems he cannot support both families.

Do you have family and friends around you at present or are they all in Norway? Can you work and earn enough to support your children?

Don't be surprised that you still feel love for him. We often care for those who are close to us even when they hurt us. Perhaps your care for him will help you find a constructive way forward, so that even if you part from him, you can remain friends for the children's sake. Just be careful that your feelings don't blind you to your husband's character and intentions.

Lykke til

Liz