im starting over again

[nix192]

i havent posted anything on here for a while as i thought i had my old life back.for a short update to anyone who dosent know my story,been together 21 years,husband left me and our 2 kids 9 times,the last time was 18 months ago.as every other time he has always came back with his tail between his legs i thought that is what would happen this time.

after months of texts and phone calls in which we were still acting as a married couple he went cold,i then find out he has been seeing someone for 7 months.2 months later hes moved in with her and her kids 4 hours away,i was deverstated but was slowly getting stronger.


then last monday he tells me hes left her and is coming back to town so i sid if he had nowere to go he could stay at ours wich he jumped at.he slept on the couch but it was so hard as i still love him dearly so after a couple of days i asked what he was feeling,he said he wanted to give us another go and we discussed how things would be differant this time.

the next day we told the kids and i was so happy,THEN 4 days later he wasnt the same,he had gone cold again so i asked him what was up.to my horror he said we had made a mistake and he was going again.apparently he thought he would give it a try as he missed the kids and felt so guilty.

he dosent love me the way i love him,so yet again we are saying goodbye this morning.i am so upset as i started to get better and now feel as if ive gone backwards,i know he will go back to her as he dosnt like to be on his own,even though he said she is a psyco and he cant deal with her mood swings.so now im trying to pick myself up again and move on.i know i dont want to be with someone who dosent love me but its so hard t let go.

[sean1234]

Tell me about it.Im going through hell at the moment and finding it really hard .1st time my wife has left and i dont know what to do.

[912jws]

Nix,

I am sorry your husband feels that he can treat you this way and keep coming back to you, I appreciate you love him but how much longer can you keep letting him do this to you? you need to find someone that respects you and loves you like you would do them.
I am in the same boat as you where I have always loved my wife and been 100% faithfull and been(still am) a very good father to our children and thought I was a pretty good husband.
My wife is now living with someone else in our old house with my children and this has all happened in the space of a few months, all this after several months back together after an 11 month split of which she wanted last year.
I now have to accept that my marraige is well and truly over, I didn't want it to be, I just wanted her as with your husband to make more of an effort given their previous history. I don't think she can change deep down which is a real shame for us and especially the children, i'll forgive her in time but I won't forget how she has treated me on and off over the last couple of years, especially over the last couple of months :mad:
I am just trying to rebuild my life yet again but this time I will put more effort in for me, it's not easy but hopefully it will get better with time :)

You do need to draw the line despite your feelings for him.

I hope you get it all sorted!

Jon

[nix192]

thankyou so much for your replies,im really having a bad time today,i think its all sunk in that he dosent love me anymore and its killing me.i did a stupid thing and texted him so he phoned me and said i have to stop contacting him so we can both move on.i know thats right but i was finding it a bit easier then last week happend ad i feel like im back to square 1 again bit yhis time i know theres no hope as he dosnt love me.

[Raymond]

He doesn't deserve you and is unfaithful. Maybe you can have the funeral and make a new life at last.

Raymond

[nix192]

thankyou raymond,
i am starting to get angry now,i hope it will help me.he is blaming me for everything now and it hurts.i hope in the near future i will be able to have some sort of funeral because i do need to let go.

[ken94]

Nix,

Hey ! Listen to that !

Now the burden is on the other woman !
You have to realise it is only the first time he is leaving her !!!

As Raymond said maybe you deserved better. Now I think your H has a massive problem especially a selfconfidence one. He has a problem with being loved. He can't sustain the mother love you are giving him.

Do you know what youth he had especially with her mother and the relationship he had with her ?

Courage !
Go for a run or else to lift your spirit up !
Sauna is the best way with no effort to provide.

Ken

[MSC71]

don't let him make you mad. Why even argue with someone that you are not with ? And don't take him back ! He has left you so many times. HE doesn't love you. I know that probably hurts but this won't get better until you leave him for good !

[nix192]

thankyou for your advice,
I am finding it hard but i know not to contact him and its for the best but our children both called him yesterday and he didnt even awnser thier calls.why?then our daughter text him and he replied yes im fine, hope ur ok ,talk to you in a few days.how hurtful.

i know itsbest if we have no contact but why dosent he want to talk to our children? who are inocent in all this.He is apparently at his sisters and shes told our daughter he is still vey emotional.It does hurt me to know he is upset but i tried to be there for him and he just threw it back in my face by telling me he didnt love me anymore.

I am so sad that its gone like this and i didnt ask for what happend last week,i wish it never happend.We were so getting stronger and feeling better now im back to hurting like hell.

[marty]

Dear Nix,

Just been through a difficult break up after 10 years of happy marriage, (she left me), so I do understand the hurt and confusion that you are feeling.

I had to read your initial post twice because I couldn't believe what I was reading. I realise that you must love you husband deeply so these words may hurt but the way he has treated you and your children is disgusting and to be honest he does not deserve your compassion or understanding for a second longer.

Believe me, I am all for giving second chances and not giving up when things get tough but you have gone beyond, far far beyond what is reasonable.

The saying "clinging onto the wreckage" springs to mind. I realise it is hard to accept that the person you have dedicated the past 20+ years and still deeply love, doesn't love you and more importantly doesn't respect you anymore. You have got to face facts.

Every marriage goes through rough patches and this quite often results in temporary seperation, but 9 times? I don't know you or your husband so I am taking a wild guess here but it would appear that he wants his cake and eat it. He wants the comfortable security of the life you have built together along with the excitement of the single life when the mood takes him.

I haven't read your other posts but it appears that another woman is involved this time and I would guess that there has been another woman involved on many, if not all of the previous occassions (regardless of what he may or may not have told you).

He is getting the best of both worlds and treating you like a door mat.

And what about the children. What must this sort of emotinal turmoil be doing to them? His behaviour is totally irresponsible, reckless and most of all selfish.

The prospect of being single after so many years is frightening but you owe it to yourself and your children to end this once and for all. It won't be easy and it will take a long time to get over this but in the end it will be worth it. Althoguh you may not want to think about it yet, there is someone out there who will treat you properly. You have suffered for too long. Be strong, take the mental decision to start again and be strong both for yourself and the children.

Start small. Little steps. Deal wth the first hour, the first day, the dreaded first lonely night. Do not look beyond a few days at first. It is too easy to think ahead to special occassions such as Christmas and fill yourself with dread of being alone. I won't lie to you, there will be some difficult times ahead. One day will be good the next not so good. Get over one day at a time. You will slowly grow and get stronger. It's time to start living again.

Lean on your friends and family if possible. If you havn't got friends, make some. Get involved in the community. What about sites like Facebook? Look up old school friends. Every day you need something to focus on. Lunch with a friend, take the kids out somewhere nice. Do something to improve your home. You must have a reason, EVERY day, to get out of bed. It is the only way to get through this.

Be strong and good luck.

[nix192]

Thankyou marty,
Yes i know i look like a right sado when you read my posts and i know you are so right i do deserve better.i must state that i was by no means easy to live with at some points in our marriage and hes only kept coming back because i let him.

But i also know its now time to let go,for our childrens sake as much as mine.and even though i still love him,i also want a relationship with someone who loves me too and respects me.

I do have great friends and family and i dont know were i would have been without them recently and also the caring people on sites like this one have helped me so much.

thanks again..

[georgie]

Hi Nix, I agree with Marty. You deserve better. You need to boost you confidence and self esteem. You are not a sado and nobody would judge you as that here, a lot of us have felt as you feel at times. It's frightening to walk away and feel you are facing the world alone, but it does get easier. You are modeling life for your children and moulding their expectations, they will expect to be loved and respected if you lead the way. Reach out to your great friends and family and keep reaching out, they want to and need to help you and be there for you. Good Luck on your journey.xx