facebook and my cheating wife

[JOSKIMAD]

okay here goes. Im married 15 years this month and i have 4 kids 14,10,8,and 5. to summarize, great marriage,love hard,fight hard,make great money,my wife raises the children. we communicate effectively, im affectionate,loving,caring,understanding and am there for her emotionally and physically. we both started facebook about 4 months ago and it was fun at first. she became private with the computer and was always on during the day and wee hours in the morning when i was away on business. i uncovered the affair 7 days ago through my verizon bill as the phonecalls and texting were plentiful and almost daily. my shock and disbelief caused me great pain as my copilot and bestfriend lied to me,cheated on me,deceived me and lived a double life for a month and a half. she did however cut it off on her own and by the time i found out they were about a month out of the affair.the pain and despair that i feel is unbearable that it makes it hard to sleep,eat and even breathe. the good news is that my wife also cant sleep eat and breathe and has lost 7 lbs from not being able to eat. she cant stomach her own self and the shame and disgust she feels for what she did is killing her. i then proceeded to get immediate marriage counseling and try and work this out. i love her to death and through this experience she has realized she almost lost her family as the fantasy crept into reality and tragedy ensued. has anybody had this experience and can one come back from this type of event and trust the cheating spouse again??? oh and this was strictly emotional cheating,never physical...

[marty]

Hi

I have been through exactly this situation a few months ago. My wife signed up to Facebook earlier this year. I wasn't that interested so didn't sign up myself. I wasn't aware of any problems at first all appeared well. By the way been married for 10 years with no real problems

Back in June I felt her behaviour had become a bit strange. Lots of little things but in general she seemed to have lost a bit of interest in me/us and our home life in general. She was logging onto Facebook daily and spending upto an hour at a time. What concerned me was when I walked into the rooom where she was on the computer she would "click" off what she was doing.

I didn't take any notice at first. I was never going in to try and see what she was doing in the first place. After it happened several times i started to wonder what it was she didn't want me to see. I asked her about it and she said it was just coincidence. I accepted this and life went on. Her behaviour continued to bother me and in the end I decided to do some "investigating". Not proud of it but you have to listen to your gut instincts particaularly if you have lived together for a long time. You just know when things dont feel right.

Discovered after some carfty digging that she had been communicating with another man both on Facebook and via text message. Some days there would be 20 texts to him.

I confronted her and she admitted that she had been swapping inappropriate messages with this guy. She said that there was nothing more than messages and agreed that what she had done was wrong. She felt flattered that someone else had taken an ineterest in her. She said that there was no way that she would have taken it any further.

I believed her saying that it had gone no further but I was sickened and appauled by what she had done even though it wasn't physical and above all I felt betrayed.

Now this is the important part. I refused to come to terms with it and did everything I could to push her away. The trust was gone (on both sides - remeber I went snooping through her phon etc). In the end I convinced her and me that our marriage was over. In anger I steamed ahead getting the house put on the market, dividing up our possessions etc. Looking back all very short sighted and childish. As a result I have now lost her forever.

Now ask yourself this question. In your current or any past relationships, have you ever flirted with another woman? I would guess you probably have. Sadly the initial excitement of a new relationship slowly subsides as time goes by and the relationship develops. It is replaced by something better in terms of companionship, soul mate etc, but that initial buzz is a very powerful feeling and we all miss it. Having someone show atttention in you re-lights that fire and it can be quite irresistable.

You say that she put an end to it herself, before being caught and that she realsies what she may lose and it was never physical. If that is true my heart felt advice to you is to forgive her and try to move forward. It won't be easy and there will be some obvious trust issues. When she goes out on her own, when she is on the computer, when she gets a text message. It will be difficult.

She had her head turned by someone showing her some attention that may have been lacking from you. Ask yourself whether you could be partly to blame. We all end up taking our partners for granted from time to time.

Yes it hurts and you probably feel betrayed BUT SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH. She realised it was wrong and stopped. Please try to work it out. Talk, keep talking. Tell her when you are feeling insecure. She has to understand that trust has been lost and you will need time to re-build that trust.

Hope it works out for you. Think very carefully before throwing it all away!

[JOSKIMAD]

thank you soooooooo much. your words mean a lot to me.

[Ageing Grace]

That was such a wise reply, Marty.

I'm very sorry to hear things spiralled so quickly towards your divorce. I do hope you're feeling more settled now. What you said is so important!Now ask yourself this question. In your current or any past relationships, have you ever flirted with another woman? I would guess you probably have. Sadly the initial excitement of a new relationship slowly subsides as time goes by and the relationship develops. It is replaced by something better in terms of companionship, soul mate etc, but that initial buzz is a very powerful feeling and we all miss it. Having someone show atttention in you re-lights that fire and it can be quite irresistable.
We all flirt. In small amounts, it's good for us.

The fact that communications now make it easier to flirt more, and more often, can lead to flirtations getting out of control more easily. But that doesn't make the medium itself (phone, computer, etc) bad. And, just like old-fashioned flirting, it becomes harmful when it becomes secretive.

As you said, Marty, it can prompt us to reassess what's going on in the marriage - maybe re-open conversations, and re-light sparks, that have been left untended too long.

I'm really glad you posted as this happens so often now. I'm sure your advice will help lots of other people.

Best wishes,
AG

[RayCub]

Hi guys,

Haven't posted in ages, but here's my two cents worth...Facebook can be so dangerous to a marriage...even one you think is 100% safe. I signed my STBX up for Facebook and encouraged him to use it to keep up with old friends. What I didn't count on was him getting reacquainted with one of his his ex-gilrfriends, the "one who got away". Within four days of messaging, she was telling him she still loved him (after more than 20 years of not seeing each other); I knew because I could see her messages through Hotmail. I couldn't see his, but I assume he wrote similar things to her. When confronted, he blocked her, but we never recovered. That was over a year ago now; we separated in March, are dealing with divorce lawyers, and you know who he's with now? Her. She left her own husband and family and moved completely across the country to start back up with him.

I fully realize that good marriages don't end in divorce, and that Facebook doesn't cause the breakdown of a marriage. But, I often wonder where we'd be today if I'd never signed him up and gave him the chance to find her...he probaly would have found someone else eventually, but Facebook sure made it that much easier for him.

Wishing all of you the very best...
Raycub

[Alayna]

Facebook has got many positive and negative impacts on the society. Facebook can be very dangerous if not used properly. People are now using facebook to cheat on their better haves and it is very difficult to find out whether they are cheating on you or not.

[Raymond]

Yes it can be good, but it also opens up a vast area of temptation if one doesn't watch it. Better to concentrate on your own spouse and build up your own marriage, rather than help it to be broken down by playing with fire. Friends is okay but the romantic world can be playing with mental adultery.

Raymond