i feel like cheating to make me feel better

[honeybeee]

i left a post about 10 months ago. to recap,found out my husband of 23 years had been having an affair with some 29 year old slapper,he was 42.was going to leave me and our 3 children.it has been a really tough year and i dont feel any better.he wont tell me all the details as he said i dwell on things. every single day i constantly ask questions,i finally found out yesterday that it had been going on for a YEAR....i thought it was just a few months.this has knocked me for six and i feel like i hate him(even though i know i dont). how could he do that to me and our family? i really feel like going off with someone, to show him how much it hurts. he has'nt made any effort this last year,he is not romantic but i asked him to write me a letter,dedicate a song to me,anything.he said he'll write me a letter before he kills himself.i reduce him to tears,he says sorry but is not doing anything about it.all this time keeping their dirty little secrets from me.i want to know everything so that i dont have any nasty surprises,but he says i will be even worse if i knew every detail,if he told me this a year ago then i would have been able to deal with it all in one go.he said they did'nt go the whole way,he must think i'm a fool to believe that-a year? to think of him going with that thing then coming home to me makes me feel sick.i just can't get over all the lying,deceiving and betrayal.we teach a class and that thing regularly came to it.they were both laughing at me,stupid thick bitch wife....i really don't know what to do. our kids don't know about it,they just thought we were going through a rough patch and that he was texting somebody else, i don't want to ruin their lives.they are all living at home-13,19 and 22.what makes it worse is that in may he told me he was texting another woman from our class,but just as friends.the other whore told him i was a control freak and a dictator so he had to prove to homself that he can female friends???????????????? why would he want to do that after all he's done? i feel like i am going crazy.please give me some advice.

[Raymond]

Adultery is always nasty Honeybee. A lot of times the wife doesn't accept the husband and he has to leave. Sometimes there is sincere repentance by the husband and the trust is gradually restored and sometimes the wife is stuck in the middle, not one thing or the other, which seems to be your case.

Ideally he would have repented and now be striving to restore the trust that was lost. You would then be in a postion to forgive and cease the playback. I don't know where you are in this scenario. It is quite common for wives to want to know all the gory details but I don't know whether it is profitable as then it makes it very difficult to stop the playback once the forgiveness has happened. Whether you haven't forgiven or he hasn't repented I don't know.

You are certainly not a control freak. Faithfulness in sexual matters is fundemental to a stable and happy marriage.

I think you have to take a massive risk in the sense of accepting that he is sorry and forgiving him. How else are you to move on? Either do that or divorce him. At the moment you seem to be in some kind of limbo which needs dealing with. You cannot control his reaction, only your own.

A lot of this will affect your relationship in the bedroom. There will be something missing I think you will find, because of what has happened in the past. If he feels this as well, tell him he needs to put things right with you, so that you feel you can trust him again. You need an acknowledgment of the pain he has caused so that you can forgive more perfectly.

Raymond

[huting]

Has he truly apologised and showed his repentance at all? Not even after it first started. It may be that he was sorry but you kept bringing it up for a whole year and he feels your not gonna forgive him no matter what. Trust me when I say you knowing every detail is bad, u can never erase what u know, every time ul think about it. U need to talk to your husband now and ask what he wants,what you want, if you want to work on your marriage,it will take the both of u, but you will need to forgive and forget so to speak. Ul always remeber but rwemember silently, its not doing u or your marriage any good keep bringing it up. Its preventing u from moving on, and what u need now is to move on. So ask yourself do u want to carry on with your husband or not, it is really that simple cos once u have answered this you can start to move forward,with or without him.

By the way 2 wrongs do not make a right, doing the same would only further complicate things.

[honeybeee]

Thanks guys. He has been truly remorseful and says he feels guilty all the time, that he has broken his own heart as well as mine.he is not romantic at all but i feel he is not making enough effort,it just seems all words and not enough action.also i feel like that whore has got away with it, i feel like punching it hard in the face and putting a knife through its heart,thats what they've done to me. my husband is paying the price daily but i have'nt even seen that thing since it happened,i want to do something to it to cause it pain.that sounds really nasty and horrible but i think thats why i can't move on.unfinished business.i really don't know what i want now,you bare right, i am in limboland.i just want to be happy.i feel like i have wasted all those years with somebody who i thought i knew, but don't know him at all.i feel like this marriage is over because its not what i thought it was. i told him last night and said if he wants to win me back as his wife then he has to start from scratch and put more effort in.time will tell.

[Raymond]

It is hard for him to be romantic Honeybee when you haven't really accepted him back and forgiven him. Repentance isn't grovelling on the floor. Is that what you want? Repentance is a change of mind. Admtting that you got it wrong and going in the opposite way not wanting to do the wrong thing again by God's grace and wanting to make it up to you. From what you say he says I would accept that and forgive him so that you can start again. This means wiping his slate clean. Are you able to do that? It means stopping the playback and not bringing it up. It may be helpful for you to tell him that you find it hard to forgive but you are trying your best to do it. Mainly it is a decision, then you work at it to keep it on course. It is quite costly for you but that is the price of renewing your marriage. It is what Jesus did for us while we were still sinners.

As for the other woman. You have to leave her with God and not avenge yourself. Wanting revenge can be quite destructive. You are allowing her still to affect your marriage by these desires. I would leave it and forget it and concentrate on your marriage. It can make you quite bitter if you let it fester so let it go for your own health and for the health of your marriage. Vengeance belongs only unto God not to us. He will repay. So let it go.

I think taking this tough medicine is the best chance you have on going forward. It wasn't your fault that it happened but you still have to deal with it and who knows whether it will not make you a better person in the long run.

Raymond