My life is in tatters, any advice/thoughts would be welcome

[ScoopGreg]

I've endured probably the worst month of my life after finding out that my long-term partner of six years has been having an affair, be it only for a couple of weeks.
I found out in the worst way possible after reading messages he had sent her on a social website and I saw the most intimate messages you are likely to find.
She has recently lost a lot of weight and obviously felt good enough about herself to make the decision she did. She has also changed very much as a person.
When I confronted her she told me that she needed some attention and that our relationship was already over in her eyes. I haven't spoken or approached the guy she had an affair with as she begged me not to because he is another relationship and has children.
She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want anything else to do with me in the relationship department and that it is over.
She assures me that she is no longer seeing this other guy and that she doesnt ever want another relationship but I have my doubts, especially with her always being on her phone texting and being very secretive.
We have one child and she is still happy to live with me for a couple of months before moving back to her mum and dads but I am finding it all so difficult.
She still wants to go out and do things as friends, but it is just making the whole thing so much harder for me.
She is now worrying about who knows about the brief affair she had because she doesn't want anyone to hate her. I cant talk to her easily about what went on as she just ends up getting very angry.
We have never had the most fulfilling relationship and have spent a lot of the six years arguing about silly things.
Do I just move on and accept what has happened because I am very confused about the whole situation. I know there is no going back but I don't know what to do about the other issues I have brought up.

[Ageing Grace]

Hello, ScoopGreg. Thanks you for writing here. I'm sorry you are going through this horrible experience.

Your wife sounds very confused, as are you. Her anger when you try to discuss her affair probably stems from guilt. She's clearly far from feeling 'repentance' and has a great many questions to answer for herself before she could begin to answer yours ...

Others might disagree with me, but my view is that it would be better for her to go and stay with her parents now rather than later. While you share a home, your very presence reminds each other of the unhappiness you both feel.

I think she'll have to tell her parents your marriage is in trouble, so that you can make suitable arrangements re childcare. Whether she chooses to tell them of her affair is up to her, but I don't believe you should in any way collude with her secrecy. That is her choice, not yours. By all means respect her wish if you like ... but, if someone asks you what went wrong and you want to tell them, then I feel you should.

If you do discuss it with others, try not to put her entirely in the wrong. Tell them, also, that she was dissatisfied in the marriage.

See if you can address her dissatisfaction. How about arranging to DATE while she's at her parents? Could you go out together, two or three evenings a week? Not to chew over your relationship (yet), but to find the best in each other again?

This might help you both to put your feelings in perspective.

AG

[ken94]

I guess you have to forgive to move on with the relationship with your partner.
It is normal that couple go through crisis. Her behavior suggest she still care about you but she is confused also she express shame on what happened; we are human and subject to temptation especially when things go wrong.
You said you were arguing a lot in the past then you should go through the acceptance phase each other. It is healthy to argue but not too much or not too little, in fact with moderation and constructively.
You never had a fulfilling relationship, then you should both do something about it because that isn't good enough ! (sorry to be rough but that's how it is)

Courage !

Ken

[ScoopGreg]

Many thanks for your opinions.
To be honest I think her way of moving forward is to go out, meet and date other people, which she has made perfectly clear to me in no uncertain terms.
Other than being a friend, which will have to be for my little boys sake, she doesnt want a relationship with me fullstop, nor with anyone else..so she says.
Like you said Ageing Grace, I think her anger stems from her guilt. With her not being able to answer my questions or talk constructively it is going to take a long while before she can answer any of her own.
She has admitted in all this that she has been really selfish throughout and I really do think its too late for the damage to be repaired.
My life is in tatters and I don't think I could ever forgive her for what she has done. You would have thought that she would have been the last person to do what she did.
The day I found out what she done I phoned her mum up and told her as I was so angry and upset. It may not have been the right move but I had to tell someone about what had gone on.
I know she is concerned about people finding out but surely that isn't my worry when she is in the wrong.

[ken94]

"To be honest I think her way of moving forward is to go out, meet and date other people, which she has made perfectly clear to me in no uncertain terms.
Other than being a friend, which will have to be for my little boys sake, she doesnt want a relationship with me fullstop, nor with anyone else..so she says."

Your 2 sentences are contradictory ! This brings up the confusion AG and me told you about.
She seems a bit lost. Being a friend with you is in a way a relationship.

You said :
"My life is in tatters and I don't think I could ever forgive her for what she has done. You would have thought that she would have been the last person to do what she did."
So maybe I should be a bit hard with you and then you let me know how you feel about it.
The facts:
- She was unhappy and she made a mistake.
- You're not prepared to forgive her.
So what are you doing on a forum where the purpose is to help the relationship of couple.
Maybe you're waiting for the sentences "She isn't good enough for you and you should leave her"
If you can't forgive then don't bother to pursue the relationship as it is a waste of time for everybody. It is quite selfish and not mature to not be able to forgive. Do your maths.

Now can you tell me what you want ?

Sorry if I am shaking you but I think you have to be clear with yourself.

Waiting for you reply on your sentiments.

Also telling her mum is behaving like a child.
Did you get any reward from doing that ? A sweet or something ?
It is very hurtful toward your partner.
I think it is politically correct that you discuss the matter with your parents but not hers, not in that way and out of anger.

"I know she is concerned about people finding out but surely that isn't my worry when she is in the wrong."
You're so foul of yourself or very angry ? I think if she told you that it was to be protected you should have been the shell to protect her. See her as a child you want to protect and you will grow up.

It seems to me that you're quite selfish. Do you think I am wrong ?

And hey I may be completly wrong all the way, just let me know ?

You are certainly full of anger and you should get out of this state for the sake of your relationship because that's why you came here. To find a way to make it work.

Courage !

Ken

[ScoopGreg]

Ken,
I appreciate your honesty and bluntness.
Yes I am very angry, you are correct, but wouldn't anyone be if they found out that their partner was having an affair after being with them for a few years?
Perhaps I have gone about things the wrong way once I found out, but I was shocked and stunned. I will be the first to admit that I have made mistakes and been selfish in and at the end of my relationship.
I've never had this type of thing happen to me before and being perfectly honest I feel all over the place at present and have done for the last four weeks.
Deep down I would forgive her and have made this clear to her but she has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want forgiveness or a relationship.
With this in mind do I move on and accept what she is saying or keep trying to win her back, when I know full well that she doesnt want to be with me.
And how do you think I should approach the week's ahead and the future?

[ken94]

On the other hand she isn't going to run away and tell you she wants a relationship !
But you should read again my post about the 2 sentences : she is lost.

"when I know full well that she doesnt want to be with me."
That is only what you beleive not me. I think you're lost.

I think you're as lost as she is and you have to do some work on yourself before to win her back. The choice is yours in a matter of fact, only YOU will know what you want to do and you will only appreciate the comment going toward what you want. I can feel that you don't want to loose her but you will have to put a lot of effort into it and don't expect from her, that is loving inconditionaly. As it is in a marriage for the best and the worst and now and only now you start to realise what the worst is so hold on keep faith in your love to her and do the right things. People here have a lot of experience and give good advice try to follow them.
And don't expect to solve the problem in a matter of days.

First do your job on getting a better person as you are full of anger right now. If you beleive then go to your church otherwise you can try some voluntary work to help deprived people.

Trust me it is a great opportunity in life to learn about life, a great experience.

"And how do you think I should approach the week's ahead and the future?"
You should listen to people here ! Try councelling for yourself. The best and most difficult advice that already people told you : give her space, time and don't rush her. She needs to want you. And that is the toughest thing to do. Stop calling her, texting her and so on but if she try to speak to you be always welcoming and maintain the communication your can answer to her. Listen to her too that mean you should be a listener (for instance when she tells you something bad about your relationship you listen only and don't argue back).

Courage,

Ken

[ken94]

I forgot to say that it takes a great deal of courage and wisdom to recognise our own faults.
And that what you just did ! Well done.

Why were you selfish ? Can you develop ?
What mistakes did you do ? Can you develop ?

Ken

[ScoopGreg]

Ken,
I know exactly how I was selfish and also the mistakes I made and since I found out what she did I've tried putting them all right.
We both admitted to each other that we have made many mistakes and both been selfish but my partner has said enough is enough and that is why she chose to have an affair.
Being perfectly honest, both of us have been lost in our relationship for some amount of time.
I've given her all of the space she needs and I haven't been constantly texting and ringing her. It rips me apart not being together.
We even went on holiday (which was pre-booked) with my youngest last week and went out together last night.
I told her that I still loved her last week while we were on holiday and she got very angry with me, saying that she didn't want to hear that and that she wanted me to hate her.
The problem in my eyes is that my partner has told me that it is too late now to change any of the damage and that we are over....end of story.
She has also told me to go and find someone else.
Although I want to keep fighting for her there's going to be a point where she just says lay-off.
With that in mind do I just respect her wishes and accept that we are over?

[ken94]

STOP saying you love her. Actions speak more than words.
Saying it is to be needy/clingy.

"She has also told me to go and find someone else."
She told me the same ! And after 1year and 5months we are dating. She even divorced me when we started dating end of august. The point I am trying to make is even if she say a lot of negative things it may not be truly true and you have to beleive that.

Come on man !!!!
Can't you open your eyes ????
"We even went on holiday (which was pre-booked) with my youngest last week and went out together last night."
What does this mean to you ?????
Do you think the story is over ???
Are you too blind to see ????

Come on courage and follow your heart. She is lost. And if you improve yourself then it will be better.

And can you hear me ? Can you open you hears ?

"With that in mind do I just respect her wishes and accept that we are over?"
What answer do you expect for this one ?

Ken

[Helpless]

Ken is right Greg. When i first found out about my H a i kept saying if you leave me i will die, I cant cope, I cant get through this, what will i do. He stayed and do you know what he was miserable and moping around (read my threads) and I was walking on eggshells until he finally moved out. When he left i got strength and told him not to worry about me i would be fine whether he came backor not and even though when he left I crumbled I didnt let him see. He came back the other day because he wanted to and thats what he said was important to him to realise. So stay strong and keep hopeful and as Ken says if your W had no feelings for you she would not have gone away on holiday.

Take care xxx

[Ageing Grace]

Greg, Ken's giving you great advice here.

One of the many unpleasant facets of a break-up is that it forces us to look at ourselves through another's eyes - usually the eyes of the person who just dumped us, PLUS our mutual friends, families and, in this case, forum correspondents.

If you don't improve as a result of this experience, then you will have failed to take one of life's more significant opportunities. I won't go so far as to say you should welcome this, as some self-help books do. But try reading some of the threads here - both by people who divorced, and those who reconciled. You will see that every one has gained in self-knowledge, wisdom, confidence and compassion.

Your wife is an unhappy, frightened and confused woman. Just as Ken says, this is time for you to step up to the mark and support her. You can do this by being competent in your home & professional life, caring well for yourself and your children, and keeping your ears and your front door open to your wife. One of you needs to be the grown-up right now.

I told her that I still loved her last week while we were on holiday and she got very angry with me, saying that she didn't want to hear that and that she wanted me to hate her.

That is not grown-up. It's the response of someone who hates herself. Don't you feel a bit sorry for her?

To react to such a statement by going "Oh, she doesn't want me, what can I do" isn't grown up either. It's childish and pathetic. I can think of more appropriate reactions, but it's far more useful for you to think them up for yourself.

The pair of you seem to be rejecting one another, rejecting yourselves and generally running around in circles of misery! You sound like prime candidates for counselling. Maybe not together, and maybe not even 'marriage' counselling. But I suspect the two of you can do yourselves - and each other - a power of good by gaining some perspective on what's happening on your lives.

Good luck. Be a grown-up :)
AG

[ScoopGreg]

I have taken on board what both Ken and yourself have said, but whether it will have the desired effect only time will tell.
My partner has admitted to her friends that she regrets having an affair and that she is deeply upset at what she did to me, but at the same time she has also told them that she is mightly relieved that our relationship is now over.
I will be bending over backwards to try and make things right between us without being too clingy, but my partner has already made it clear that she wants to go out at the weekends and have fun, including meeting other men.
Obviously I will find the nights she is out very hard as I will constantly thinking about what she is getting up to and with who, but would you say that I should turn a blind eye to this and just accept this is what she wants to do.
Like you said, she is lost and frightened, but at the same time so am I, as well as very confused.
You said that we both need counselling but will this repair any further damage if she decides to go out on a regular basis and meet other men?

[Ageing Grace]

Good for you.

It's terribly painful for you to know that she feels she wants out of your relationship - even though she 'repents' of her affair. I know how impossible it feels, to let your partner get on with her own processes, when she's turning away from her life with you. It feels impossible and it hurts - but it is possible. Most of us here have done it, with varying outcomes.

Two outcomes you can be sure of, if you manage your self well enough, are that your relationship with her will become easier and your capacity for happiness will increase. Therefore it is worth doing.

Some of the more spiritual members of this forum give great advice on how to 'let go' of your resentment and anger, both over her affair and over her rejection. An important factor in this is learning to forgive yourself, for past mistakes and for current anger.

My advice is always, always, about taking care of yourself. To treat yourself with respect, love and tenderness is essential for the development of any future relationships (with your partner or someone as yet unknown) and for your own health.

To this end, I do feel a counsellor can help you. A good counsellor brings detachment and experience to the table, which helps you get a wider view of things far quicker than you might on your own. A guy here called Dave123 reported fantastic success with a Relate counsellor, plus he later joined a Relate group which seems to have whisked him into more positive circumstances within a few months :)

Counsellors vary: we don't always land up with a perfect match, but Relate is usually very good. In fact, a single session with Relate clarified the issues in my first marriage and I wish I'd gone there with my second one. (Never mind, I'm making up for it now)

Do keep coming here, Greg; sometimes the very act of writing your post is helpful.

Take good care of yourself.
AG