in limbo land

[ste]

hi , cut to the chase, any words b great from anyone with help/advice :confused: with my partner for 10yrs, been married 5, 5kids, age 20,17,12,8 and 4. two girls mine 8 and 4.wife got divorced, ex still in nick, i came on scene, cleared her debts,got out of social housing, bought a house, done it up, and basically worked arse of for 10yrs to get to where we are today...which i believed she was happy with, kids ok, holidays uk and abroad when money available, sex regular but dropping off last 6months. maybe ive been a bit blind... she says shes not in love with me any more but obviously has feelings for me, and just wants to leave, feels unhappy at home , looking to take kids and rent somewhere.now tells me would rather we didnt go on hols and that be better if i was at home more seeing kids, but its past that now.she felt unhappy in april 09 and its reared up again now. i do my best to keep my wife,kids step kids happy for ten years and personally think she wants her old benefits life back ?. my wife has to sort kids out for school, washing, etc, has free time to go to gym, driving lessons recently, whatever shes wanted to do ive backed her, i basically pay for everything, mortgage,bills,food u name it and its never bothered me,weve rarely argued,i know shes trying to let go of me, but a little spark is still there and iwant to get her back, talk and talk,let her do whatever she thinks is right, ive been fairly uptight in years gone but have learned to chill, and honestly believed she and kids happy like me. ? anyone sense something i dont:o

[ken94]

And you go out with her sometimes ?

Do you come from work late everyday ?

Do you speak to her about her problems why is she not happy ?

Have you tried couple counselling ?

Sex is the best way to see if a relationship is healthy so why do you think there is less sex if you have a clue ? Sometimes it is hard to know why ?
Do you want it, does she want it ?

Ken

[Ageing Grace]

Oh dear, Ste. I'm sorry to hear about this bombshell, you must be feeling pretty confused right now.

Your wife told you in April she was unhappy? What came about then - what has changed in both your lives, and the family life, since then?

I find it hard to imagine she'd want a return to life on benefits. As you know yourself, it's not the bed of roses the Daily Mail makes it sound! Even though you're pushed for cash sometimes, there would be no holidays at all with benefits; no gym, no driving lessons, and fortnightly desperation when your kids are hungry and the payment's not due until tomorrow. Those journalists should try it themselves some time.

She's done that, been there. She would have to be mad in the head to choose to go back!

I wonder, though, what with you saying that and your description of a pretty hectic life, if she's finding it all a bit too much. Perhaps there is something she misses about her old life - the slower pace?

When you say you rarely argue, is this because you're in perfect harmony or because you never get time to discuss anything meaningful? Your remark that you've learned to chill more (congratulations on that!) suggests that you might have been very 'driven' the past ten years, and perhaps none too patient. Now you're cooler, how often do you and your wife get to kick back, watch a DVD, go to the pub, waste time, whatever?

Also, don't underestimate the power of a nice bunch of flowers! Other things that make us feel wanted are having all our tasks done for us while we recline on the sofa, sincere compliments, being treated to a lovely meal (in or out) ... and being listened to!

It's important to think about what she's actually told you, regarding why she felt restless in April - and still does. Post back if you can :)

Edit:
Sorry, I missed this: she says shes not in love with me any more but obviously has feelings for me, and just wants to leave, feels unhappy at home , looking to take kids and rent somewhere.now tells me would rather we didnt go on hols and that be better if i was at home more seeing kids, but its past that now.

Okay, so she is saying life's too frantic - she doesn't get to spend enough time with you. She'd rather you earned a bit less and had a bit more time for your family.

I know this is a double bind, Ste. You want to provide a better life for your family, so you work your butt off. Then you discover your family feels like you're never there for them. More than few people, here, know what that feels like :(

All is not lost, I hope. You've done a great job of pulling a home & security together for your family. So, now, try taking what she says VERY seriously. Knock off the overtime. Try and meet the younger kids from school. Help out a bit. Talk to everyone about what's going on in their lives. Instead of a holiday, spend more weekends doing fun stuff. Buy flowers. Treat your wife like a goddess. Next time you look in the mirror, see a warm and humorous family man instead of a stressed-out worker.

Good luck!
AG

[ste]

er hi, ste here, we had a good chat few days ago, and she still feels the same, so just getting on,and be ready for when she leaves..were both hurting but coping. not angry, just sad, its like i came into your perfectly formed little nest,and you let me make changes,showed you how good my feathers were, you accepted me,we got a bigger nest for kids, now i cant do anymore in this nest,and you want to go back to your old nest again ! i would rather drink the bottle of winebecause we deserved it or earned it somehow, she rather because unhappy or make her feel better....basically im being myself at home, not giving to much away, no tears or begging, just being me. in her state at mo, just gotta let her go ,although i love her with all ive got,and it hurts so much,taken me to some scary,very dark places indeed, but im ok, and only way i can b ok is to write... its been 3 weeks, and shes not gone yet cause she hasnt enough money saved up yet, so could b 2weeks or 2 months. in those 21 days have not been able to stop writing, about 33,000 words to date, like most have a billion questions and thoughts and if i dont write it down ,bloody head will explode, so ive got the girls smiles and a journal to keep me sane, and i may keep it, burn it, publish it who knows, maybe next week maybe 10 years from now. but if my wife comes round, i will b there for her, or in say 2 years says "im sorry" i will b there for her. im ok, just waiting

[Raymond]

Are you sure there is not someone else Ste? Doesn't seem right to me somehow.

What does she actually want?

Raymond

[ste]

im pretty sure no-one else, taking my girls on a w/end break this friday, and obviously asked her if she wanted to come, gave her a day and half to think about it, no pressure, i havnt got false intentions going away, would just like us to be normal for the girls, have a laugh and a joke. " no i dont think i'll come, we will be smiling and you will think that im ok, things are better, this is a good step, but i aint gonna change my mind, and dont want you to think i am better or something, so you go, maybe your brother can come and c you with his boy or something" my wife and i cant really find any faults in us together, just last 6months . niggly things, she's been bit depressed, then for last 2months has just wanted to go out every w/end with friends to let hair down, which we both have done on our own or together, like she washing something out of her hair/mind, probably me, maybe our life is to hard for her, lost love for me, and hey ho, just wants to struggle on her own, well until i get that letter on the mat!

[Raymond]

What sort of a life did she have before she met you Ste? Socialwise I mean. What sort of friends is she knocking around with at weekends? And one more, what sort of stuff is she reading, watching or browsing?

Something is obviously not right for a wife to break up her family like this. there must be a reason.

Raymond

[ste]

:confused: hi again mate, errrr, basically she said she felt that even after 5 or 6 months together she felt i didnt trust her ???, but thought it would be ok. said she felt 3 years ago she wanted to leave but didnt say ought,and for the past year has been really unhappy, not because of me or kids or anything really,just thinks i dont trust her ?. it came out in april that me doing the shopping was the cause mainly, said fine u do the shopping, but she said no dont worry about it. i c her point, ive done shopping for past 5 years not because i dont trust her, mainly to ease her stress and workloads of bringing up 5 kids and also some weeks got £40 for a weeks shop. others when done overtime got £100+ to treat us, she like, but i have to make do ,sometimes im out and dont get to c what u put away in the cupboards.the i dont love you anymore is hard to take, but shes def going, and going back to being on her own, she just got divorced when we met, she out enjoying life,getting over it, then i come on scene and she accepts us, but seeing her and 3 kids struggling suppose i put my stamp on certain things, ways of doing things how i felt they should be done,deep down over the years she hasnt wanted that,tried to be normal, but it aint really her ?! she been free to do whatever she has wanted ive never controlled her or denied her or family anything.she went out last nite, drank a bottle and a half of archers and had to be taken home,sick, cuts and bruises over her,some from last weeks blowout, sorted her out, asked her stuff for an hr,even though not in the best state, but "do you think what me and you have worked for, for 10 plus years means something honey" replied "dont mean **** all". she just wants her old life back, she tried in a way, but feel ive been lied to for about 9 and a half years, wish she didnt hide her true feelings for so long, fall in love, have 2 kids, house , everything. but she never really wanted that. im getting through this even though when they go it will be a nightmare, a decade of my life but ive had an amazing time and have 2 beautiful girls, thats my life now and its another begining. but bitterness as moment from her as she needs money and said the old" well im just gonna have to do what im gonna have to do to get the money" jesus come mens revolution, give it a year maybe and she'll say sorry, but its to late then....:rolleyes:

[Raymond]

Sounds like she is hard to be married to and has a lot of personal problems. I think it is beyond you to sort it out as she came into marriage with these problems and doesn't seem to want to work at it. I'd say she has a rejection problem and an unstable childhood. It could have worked but it seems too late from what you have said.

Hope it works out for you from here on.

Raymond

[Ageing Grace]

I agree. Getting so blasted that you come home injured - twice running - is a symptom of something. As Raymond says, if she doesn't want to look into it there's not a whole lot you can do for her. How sad. What a tremendous disappointment for you :(

The healthiest approach for you must be to take a huge step back, Ste - and seek advice where you need it. Is it appropriate for her to take the children, for example?

So many horrid things to think about ... You're nothing if not a coper, though. You will get through this and come out a better man for it. I wish you the very best of luck, and all the support you need.

AG

[ste]

:rolleyes: many thanks raymond, ageing grace,words mean so much :). well just waiting for the day to come, hope to be amicable but it rarely is, hardest part will actually b the day i come home from work and my wife and kids not there. then after that waiting possibly 2 years to divorce, or she may well come back, could b to late then, wait for solicitors letter, then deal with that, hope to pay her off, downsize from a 4bed to 2bed and have the girls on my 4days off, maintain their welfare and in the meantime start my life again. i remember our second date, i had to leave early inthe morning as i was skydiving, lots of stuff inbetween, then 10years later reached the summit of killimanjaro (same flight as chris moyles and gang), as a family we did loads together, individually we done lots, as a young couple maybe not enough,always babysitter needed, but hey-ho life will go on, and i relish life, shame my wife has given up. 10 years no regrets, new chapter start in 1month or 2 or 3 or 4. cheers , keep tabs on all those going through this stuff, chin up, later.:mad::(:confused::cool:;):rolleyes::)