baby with another girl but he dont think that way. what should i do???

[chacha]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3years now, and he told me a secret a long time ago which i didn't really care about until now. He told me a long time ago before we even knew each other he had a one night stand with his cousins friend (they had no feeligns for each other, no relationship whatsoever) and ended up getting her pregnant. once he found out she was pregnant he didn't do anything with her, not talk to her anything. that girl decided to keep the baby though. he doesn't do anythign for the baby, not talk to the baby or the girl that he had got pregnant...this was maybe 5 years ago (2 years before we got together). he tells me that he doesn't care about that situation and in his mind its as if that situation didn't occur. in his mind he feels as if that didn't happen, and that he doesn't even have a child to begin with. he tells me that he loves me and his most serious relationship and longest relationship was with me. he constantly tells me that he doesn't care about that situation, because i always bring it up to him. he tells me how he doesn't care about what happened, doesn't care to remember that person, doesn't care about that baby, doesn't care to even talk or see the baby, wouldn't help the baby and wouldn't even see or talk to the baby if the baby ends up trying to look for his/her "daddy" later in life. he tells me that he thinks of this situation as NOTHING. he told me that he considers not having a child with anyone else and that when WE have a child of our own he will consider OUR baby as HIS FIRST child. he will consider our baby as his first child, he will treat our child as if it was really his first and he told me that he would tell everyone that this child was his first child (not everyone knows about him having a child with someone else tho). he told me that he will do whatever it takes to show to me that our child will be what he considers his first baby.
the problem is, i know that his actions speak louder than words but its hard to listen to what he says abotu it since i know theres that sad truth lying in the back of my mind. he tells me he doesnt care about that situation and doesn't care about the baby and that in his mind its as if this situation didn't occur, and his actions show it because he doesn't ever talk or bring up this situation. he nevers brings up about him having a kid, he doesn't say anything about this situation Period! when people that knows about this brings it up to him he tells them "what baby? my first baby will be with my girlfriend (me) when shes ready". he tells me people that which is sweet...but the thing is, even if he is sayign and doing these things its hard for me to let loose of the fact that he does have a kid with someone else. even tho he doesn't pay child support for this kid, doesn't do anything to deal with this kid--its just hte fact that he does have a kid to begin with! he tells me that he'll consider our baby as HIS FIRST BABY but in the back of my mind i know thats not the truth
how should i feel about all this? how can i try and "forget" about this situation?? what can i do to remember that he doesn't care abotu this situation, doesn't care about that baby, doesn't even care to remember that situation or bring it up, and that he will consider our baby as his first child? what are some advices u guys can me considering that this happened? i know it happened because he was honest with me about it, but i just dont know how to deal with it or let go of the fact that this happened. he told me i should just act as if he isn't even a father to someone else because he doesn't even feel or act as if he is a father to anyone because he has NEVER ever met the baby, doesn't even know the name of the baby or anything, never talked to the baby or the baby mama after the incident, he just doesn't care about this situation and what happened at all...he told me that there were noooo feelings involved so i should just let it go. from what i found out (since thats his cousins friend-) the baby mama found a guy that acts as the father role for the baby so i shouldnt even worry because its as if the guy was the father because he was there for hte baby since she was pregnant. so my boyfriend told me i shouldn't worry because now its as if he wasn't a father to begin with because the baby already has a father role and even if the baby didn't have a father role daddy he wouldn't even budge to be the father role because he doesn't care about this situation adn the baby., he told me that if he could go back into time he would undo what happened..
but because this already happpened hwo should i try to let go of the fact that this happened? what can i do or what can i always think about to forget as if it never happened??

[ken94]

And you forgot something ... it maybe NOT his child after all.
This woman may have made up the story; if she did a one night stand with him I am sure she did the same with others !!!
So the chance of the child to be the one of your boyfriend is very very slim !!!
So slim !!!!

[chacha]

thanks for makign me feel better :) actually truth is--it is his. so they said? but if anythign he says that he doesn't care about that situation and wouldn't even budgeee to take care or see/talk to the baby if the baby wanted to talk to him.
im just asking for advice or anythign that i should/could do to get this situation out of my head. what can i do to stop thinking about it?

[jkk]

hi

i think i would be worried to have a child with him. I think maybe it shows a lack of caring, responsibility, and depth of character, that he is so ignorant of this first child. It might be that he is not welcome in the childs life, thus the only way is to ignore. Could you be sure that your potential offspring wouldn't be cast aside?

[Helen_uk]

I agree with jkk

I'd be concerned if my partner had a child from a previous relationship that he cared nothing about. Even if he has no feelings / didn't even have a relationship with the mother the child is not to blame and is his flesh and blood.

My first husband and I split when our son was 8 months old, and my ex had nothing to do with our son from that day to this, apart from two brief meetings at family funerals. Ex husband went on to have a number of children with different women ( one of his daughters is in contact with my son ) and did the same thing to them.

If the child is definitely your partners then he owes it some responsibility, even if it is only financial and even if , as Jkk suggests , he isn't welcome in the child's life now , it may be different once the child is old enough to decide for itself.

I'd be very wary of having children with someone who walks away from responsibility so easily.

Helen

[chacha]

Actually i had 2 abortions with him already and my reason for them are legit; financial issues that i dont want to bring upon to my child. he was there throughout my pregnancy. he bought me food everytime i was hungry, did whatever and anythign to satisfy me since u know girls hormones aren't so good during pregnancy. he also even took off of work to take me to get my abortion done..and not to mention---he paid the full 590 dollars to get it done. so multipy 590 dollars by 2 since i got an abortion twice and he paid for both of it. during my abortion he was sitting waiting for me til i got it done, after my abortion he took real good care of me and got me anything i needed/wanted since i wasn't feeling good. he didn't care abotu the other child because like i said it was a one night stand, they both didn't know what happened because they were both drunk. teh next day it happened he didn't talk to her or anything., he just met her that night...dumb mistakes people make when they are single, care free, and partying.
but, thing is he doesn't care about the baby or the girl because he didn't even get to know both of them and he doesn't care to even know both of them. he said it was a real big mistake for that to happen and if he could go back into time he'd undo what happened. he's never cheated on me and never gave me a sign of any thing like that either. his phone is covered with family numbers or his guy friends--no numbers of girls either.
when people talk abotu babies or he sees babies he always tell me or people around us that he can't wait to have a baby with me because he'll spoil it like crazy and he even tells me that he will consider our baby his first baby.
the reason why he is ignorant of that child is because of the fact that he doesn't even know the mother of the child to begin with and he said it was a real big mistake so thats why he doesn't care about it. in his mind its as if the situation never ever occured and thats how he wants to keep it. he has never seen or heard of the baby. since day 1 of that girls pregnancy he was NEVER there.
but since day 1 of both my pregnancies he was there every second/minute whatever...so wouldn't that maybe give me a sign that he will be there for me with our potential offspring?
its just the fact that i want or am asking for advice or anything that i could do to get this situation out of my head or to at least stop thinking about it so much..

[chacha]

and another reason why its easy for him to walk away from his responsibilities is not only the fact that to him it was a mistake but he told the girl once she found out she was pregnant (because the girl had contact with his cousins---my bf met this girl through his cousin) . once the girl found out she was pregnant my bf told his cousin to tell her that he doesn't want the child he was sorry for what happened and that he wants her to get an abortion or whatever because he wasn't going to take any responsibility for it because of the fact that what happened was a mistake he didn't want this to happen. he told his cousin to tell the girl that he wouldn't budge to help with the pregnancy because he didn't care about it. he warned her that he wasn't going to be there for the baby or her but she still insisted on keeping the baby because she and her family wanted her to have a baby so soon (i really dont know why?). but thats what happened...he told her he didn't want the baby and wanted her to get an abortion-she understood but yet she wanted to keep the baby cause for her sake and because her family wanted her to have it because her family didn't believe in abortions.
he told her he didn't want tht baby and the was the responsibility he gave this situation- she didn't want to listen to him so the outcome came to this- a no father because he told her from the beginning he wouldn't be there for the baby or her because he knew it was a mistake.
as of right now, (i spoke to his cousin) they don't even speak to the girl but what they found out before they stop speaking to each other was that that girl had another one night stand with some other guy and the same situation happened--the guy didn't want the baby but yet she kept it anyways.
so whose to blame in both situations?
the guy that she had a one night stand with is going thru the same thing my bf is. he called it a mistake and told her that he didn't want the baby and wanted her to get an abortion but she insisted on keep the baby.

so what can u guys give me as an advice now that u know this

[chacha]

oh and helen, "I'd be concerned if my partner had a child from a previous relationship that he cared nothing about." he had NO relationship with this woman---it was a one night stand. so there was no relationship involved no feelings involved NOTHING ..it was a one night stand they both met each other that night and after that night he didn't want anything to do with her because he realized what happened was a real big mistake for him. he didn't want to even know her as a friend it was just the alcohol that took over...

so compare that one night relationship and what he did with that situation
and compare it with his 3 year relationship with me and what he did for me when i was pregnant?

wat can u say about that

[huting]

i dont understand what your problem is exactly, you seem like you dont want him to have anything to do with the girl he got pregnant and their child, from what you have said he wants nothing to do with them so why are you worrying exactly?

it shows poor character on both of your halfs to be fair, he should take responsobility for the child he has regardless of if he wanted the child or not because the child is here. you dont want him to have any contact or dealings with the child because you are insecure about the situation.

if hes not seeing them then stop thinking about it. has for your 2 abortions well thats personal choice but its not for every one, and he sounds like he doesnt want the responsobility of children off anyone including you.

[Helen_uk]

What I'd have to say is that regardless of whether it was a one night stand, and regardless of his feelings for the woman the child is his. It exists .It's not a slur on you , it's simply that he has a child and whether you or he like it or not that child is a human being with rights.

Like huting, I'm not sure what it is exactly your asking advice on here. So your partner stood by you through your pregnancy, well good for him. He already has a responsibility though , saying he won't have anything to do with that child doesn't make that reponsibility disappear....From your post it appears you have doubts of your own. What would you like me to say ? That he seems good father material ? That he seems a good, caring , responsible person to settle down with and raise a family ? I don't know the guy ! You told the circumstances , those are my feelings on it.

On an open forum chacha you're not only going to get opinions that concur with your own.

For me, once a child is born it becomes the most important part of any equation.

"once the girl found out she was pregnant my bf told his cousin to tell her that he doesn't want the child he was sorry for what happened and that he wants her to get an abortion or whatever because he wasn't going to take any responsibility for it because of the fact that what happened was a mistake he didn't want this to happen." Sorry I find that unbelievable ! So... it's ok to have drunken sex,get someone pregnant then wash your hands of it because you don't want a baby ??

I will refrain from further comment !

Good luck.

Helen

[chacha]

huting and helen_uk- its not that i dont want him to have anything to do with the girl and the child but that was his responsibility and choice for it. he straight up told me he don't want anything to deal with it. the only thing im worrying or asking for is HOW CAN I TRY AND FORGET ABOUT THIS or HOW CAN I GET THIS OFF MY MIND? from his actions it shows that he really don't care for the situation at all he never brings it up at all to begin with...he doesn't talk about having a baby with anyone and the only thing he says is that he will have a baby with me and consider it his first child.
its not that i dont want him to have any contact with the child its his own decision from it. plus the girl that he had the baby with is now with someone else thats acting as the daddy role so its as if the child was his to begin with and not my bf's one because he was there for the baby.
like i said, he did want me to keep our baby after i got pregnant the second time around! he wanted to keep it but i couldn't keep it at the moment so he took my choice for it because its not him that would be going through labor or anything so he understood my feelings for it.
yes he isn't seeing them, they're in different states and so are we.
what i just want from you guys is advice or anything to help me forget as if this problem never really occured. i want someone to give me what they would do to act as if they can forget this problem with the way im giving you guys the actions my bf gave for the situation as well as mines..

yes i know the child has rights with human being helen but the fact is he told me even if the child were to try and find him after when he gets older he wouldn't even talk to the child and thats how much he'll show it that he will act as if he was not the father. plus the girl already found a guy to be the father figure for that child.
and from that quote you put up--it is believable. that is what he told me, and that is what his cousin told me happened too. the girl didn't want to listen to his words but she kept the baby because she actually been trying to have babies and her family told her to keep the baby because they didn't believe in abortions. but my bf told her from the beginning that he didn't want it and he don't want anythign to do with it thats why he wanted her to get the abortion..he didn't want to take any responsibilities! but she didn't want to listen to him and just kept the baby. even the girl is asking for no contact between my bf either anyway...she said she found someone to be the father figure for the baby so shes fine and doesn't need any help from my bf.and thats good.
im just sayign that from my bf's actions..how he says he will consider our baby his first child and do whatever he can to show it to me that he will consider it that, how he says that this situation is nothing to him and in his mind its as if this situation didn't occur, i just want someone to give me advice on how i can try to forget about this situation! my bf obviously forgot about it because he doesn't bring it up AT ALL, but its me that has the problem of always having it been brought up in my head over and over..it always comes up in my head and i just want someone to give me advice and tell me how i can try to forget about the problem or what i can do to try and forget about it...since he has forgotten about it and doesn't care about it how can i do the same? its hard so i need advice on what i can do!

[Helen_uk]

ok... leaving aside what Ive previously said.. what is it exactly that you can't forget or are worried about ?

Your b/f has told you he has no intention of seeing the child or it's mother,he's happy to leave that in the past. Are you worried the child might turn up in the future ? That the mother may want to establish some kind of contact with your b/f ? Or is it just the fact that it happened and you are struggling with that ?

I think you need to have a good think about what exactly is sticking in your mind about the whole thing before you can try and do anything about it..

You said "I just want someone to give me advice and tell me how I can try to forget about the problem ". First you need to work out what the problem is. By the sound of it , your b/f doesn't see it as a problem, to him it's history.... If he can do that and has reassured you of it then work out why it's still a problem for you ?

Helen

[chacha]

helen-
What i cant forget about is the fact that he is a father to someone elses kid. So by the time we have kids of our own--i will still have that thought lingering in the back of my mind that even though he says our kid will be what he considers his first baby, i will always have that thought that thats not true-even if thats what he says.
i can't forget about the fact that this even happened..that he is a father to some other kid.
yes my b/f has no intentions of seeing the kid or the mother and no im not worried that the mother would want to establish some kind of contact with my b/f because like i said -she already found a father figure for that kid. and she wouldn't be able to find a way to contact him anyways because they knew each other thru my bfs cousin in that state that she lives in but they don't talk AT ALL anymore so it will be hard for her to try and get contact.
no im not worried about the child coming up in his life in the future because like he said-he wouldn't even want to budge or do anythign with that child anyways.
yes-what i am worried or can't forget about is that fact that this happened to begin with and yes it is what im struggling with! i don't know how to let go of it...i know my bf has put it in the past, put it as history (as a matter of fact he doesn't consider it apart of his history because he said he doesn't even remember that situation occurring in his mind and he don't want to bother even thinking about it). my bf has forgot about it-its me that is having a hard time coping with it.
i don't know what to do or how to feel. i know that my bf loves me dearly and that he wouldn't do this to me because he has reassured this to me so many times. we have argued so many times to the point where we told each other hurtful words or told each other we didn't want to talk or see each other anymore but by the end of the night we always end up saying i love u to each other anyway.

yeah i want advice or someone to tell me how i can act as if this never occurred. since my bf can do it so easily i should be able to do it too. but i can't. i can't stop thinking about it. i can't stop thinkign about the fact that if we were to have kids of our own it won't be his first kid. even though he tells me that when we have kids he will consider our kids as his first child--its the fact that i know thats not true. he tells me that he will make it like that is his first kid but its hard for me to think and believe him when i have that sad truth lying in the back of my mind that he already is a father to some other kid.
yes my bf doesn't even care about the problem-let alone he doesn't even care to bring up the subject!. whenever i bring up the subject about this situation he always tells me "you're opening up a can of worms" what does he exactly mean by that? like i said to him its not even history in his life because he thinks of this situation as nothing and he doesn't care to remember or think about this situation. he can do it , but its me that can't.
its the fact that i know that if we were to have kids i have that sad truth lying in the back of my mind. even if he tells me every time that our kid will be who he considers his first kid-i know thats not the truth. but how i can i try to forget about this situation (the whole fact that he is a father to someone else) and believe his words as if what he says is true (about the fact that he will consider our child as his first kid even tho in the back of my mind i know that isn't the truth)?

[Ageing Grace]

Chacha, I think I see what everyone else is seeing here, including yourself. Your man loves you - he's proved that he knows how to love, too, as he takes care of you when you need care. He wants to start a family with you.

Like it or not, when a woman chooses a partner, one of the most crucial things she needs to feel sure of is that the partner will make a good co-parent to her kids ( until she gets to my age :p )

So, the question begging for attention in your mind is: He is totally ignoring the one child he fathered, does that mean I can't trust him to be the father of mine?

I see two plausible answers to this.

[1]
His cousin's friend and he had a quick bang, there was no relationship there.

Baby resulted, as they may. Girl decided - responsibly and independently - to have her child, independently, and to bring it up herself, responsibly.

The two genetic parents (her and your guy) had a conversation about it, in which HE said "Look, I don't want to be your baby's father, can I help you to avoid being a single parent?"

And SHE said "Thanks, appreciate your candour, I am choosing to bring this baby up myself"

Both parties acted completely honestly and fairly. The child is fine. Happy ending :)

[2]
Or, maybe, the story is just the same as above ...

... but, maybe, the 'him' that he was back then was a more honest 'him' than the guy you love now?

Maybe he really isn't father material, and maybe he's kind of deluding himself now because he loves you and wants the whole family deal - maybe he was right before, and maybe he never will make a great dad?
:confused:

I can tell you now, Chacha, what you already know. No human being comes with a lifetime guarantee. You can never be 100% sure.

Your man loves you, takes care of, and wants a family with you. Yet you feel doubt.

Now, I'm a big fan of instinct but I don't think it's always correct. It would be helpful to know if something in your own family history made you mistrustful of fathers (or men in general). If so, that could be colouring your perceptions.

Even if that is the case, however, there still might be something about him that has triggered your "baby alarm". That instinct could be spot-on.

How to find out if you're worrying rightly or wrongly?

Well, first of all you need to get this old-baby concern out of your head. It's a red herring. Maybe a useful one, in the sense that it's triggered your "alarm" but, at base, it's not the real issue here: your own, deeply personal, instinct is.

What's stopping you from contacting this girl? She's a woman and a mother; can you get a message to her, that this incident bothers you and you'd like her to phone you to talk it over? She may refuse, but you won't know till you try.

Next, I'd suggest you really work to find a person to talk to, who will seriously understand you and can perceive what you might be missing. Either a counsellor ( a good one!) or your wisest aunt, favourite tutor, the old fella next door ... somebody older than you, who knows you well and knows life better.

Chacha, don't look for human guarantees because they are worthless. And don't ignore your instincts, because they are worth plenty.

Hoping you find the answers you need :)
AG

[chacha]

thanks AG. the thing is i think your first plausible accusation were right. they had a talk about all this and decided that he wont help and the girl will raise it all on his own. i know my man loves me and he'd never do that to me. even his own cousin told me that she has seen a real change in him from the guy that he was back then...she has noticed that her cousin (my bf) has changed..he is stuck on me and does decisions i make, he doesn't do anythign behind my back and never made me accuse of him doing that, this is hte first time his cousin ever saw him stay so truthful to a girl for so long. and she also told me that im sure he (my bf) learned his lesson and that he wants to really put this in the past. this was 5-6 years ago..way before i even met him. so im sure he realizes what he did was dumb and foolish and he realizes that he wont ever do it again. thats what his cousin told me.
and to me, it feels as if he is someone i can rely and trust. ive never ever had the doubt of him cheating on me. he never gave me any reasons to think he'd cheat on me either...he always takes real good care of me even to the point where he goes real broke with his money just to satisfy me...so maybe he'll do just the same for our kid...
what i just want is someone to really tell me how i can let go of the fact that it happened. he can let go of it so i should do the same. but its hard. the fact that it lingers in my head that he is a father to someone else and also the fact that if we were to have kids someday he said he will consider that kid as his first baby but even tho he says this is what he'll do its hard for me to believe him because in the back of my mind i know that this isn't true. the truth is he already is a father to someone else, but him telling me that he'll consider our baby as if its his first makes me feel a little better even if it isn't the truth.

i can't and won't contact the mother of his child because like he said it will only open up a can of worms. he doesn't know the mother never did know the mother of their kid and only knew her that night that all this happened and after that night they didn't talk or contact each other. and he knew this girl from his cousins. his own cousins don't even have contact with this girl anymore so there's no way that i would be able to contact her anyway. but what i heard from before was during her pregnancy she did tell my bf's cousin that she didn't want him to be apart of the babies life and she could handle everything on her own. and before this alll happened my bf even told his cousins to tell the girl that he didn't want the baby and that he wouldn't take any responsibility for what happened because he doesn't care about the baby or the situation. he wanted her to get an abortion but she decided to keep it anyways...
so my problem is still- how can i get rid of this situation lingering in my head and what can i do to act as if it never happened. my bf can forget about it so quick so i should be able to do it too. but how?
by the way---my dad had cheated on my mom a couple of times..my mom found out couple of those times but they always ended up getting back together...maybe thats why im so insecure about this ?? im not sure
im also the type that loves to hear what a person really feels...sometimes i bring this situation up with my bf he gets really annoyed and mad not because of how i feel about this whole thing (not because of how i feel,he understands where im coming from). he gets mad at the fact that i bring up this situation/subject -he told me he doesn't ever want me bringing it up so that i can try to forget about it. because the more i bring it up the more ill keep on remmebereing it. thats why he wants me to stop repeating about this subject to help me forget about it. but im the type that likes to hear how a person really feels about this situation. so whenever i ask him about this situation he gets mad but he does tell me that he doesn't care for this situation and its as if it never occurred in his life. he doesn't consider it as a history in his life. and that when ever he sees babies he thinks about the future he will build with me and how he can't wait to have babies with me..

[Ageing Grace]

They did both act responsibly, you know. One-night stands have this result sometimes, and at the end of the day the pregnant woman is the one who decides her child's future.

To be brutal about it, he might just as well have donated to a sperm bank. And who knows? Maybe she used him as one!

I think your problem is with his expression "he will consider that kid as his first baby". Because you know it is not, it sounds unbelievable.

I don't think he means he wants to pretend he never fathered a child before. I think it's more like - well, if he had donated to a sperm bank, he would know he had genetic children somewhere but he wouldn't be their FATHER. You know, when an adopted child speaks of their father, they mean their adoptive father? Because HE is the man who burped them, taught them to ride a bike, helped them with their homework or whatever! That's what being a father means.

Sure, it's good to know what you're made of, genetically. The long-ago baby, who your man helped to make, might want to get in touch someday because of that. A letter and some photos would probably fill that need. But THAT child's father is the man who makes sure its feet are warm enough, it's not being bullied by the other kids and has a nice story at bedtime :) Not the guy who had a one-night stand.

I think he means "Our baby will be the first one I care about & look after. When we have a baby, I want you know I will be its Dad. For the first time, I WILL be a father."

Is that right?

AG

[jkk]

Hi

i think you might benefit from counselling to explore your problem. It seems to me that you are very uncomfortable with what happened, this could be for lots of reasons, but something is clearly upsetting you. Whether this relates to your pregnancies, upbringing, your b/fs attitudes/beliefs/morality, your beliefs, the childs rights, your potential childs rights.

Your potential child will never be his first born, however much he insists he will consider it to be. Both of you know this. Both of you know your potential child has a sibling out there.

Heaven forbid, but what if for some medical reason the child needed its genetic father. How would your b/f react - would he ignore the child because she was a product of a one night stand, and he didn't consent to production and upbringing.

jkk

[Helen_uk]

Looks like the reason you can't seem to forget this is that it happened in a nutshell and you wish it hadn't. Is that right ?

I guess deep down your basic instinct wants you to be the mother of your b/f's first child but your brain knows that can't happen.

Your b/f has given you every reassurance that he can that despite being the biological father of the other child, he isn't ( and never is going to be ) daddy to it.

As AG says, you can't change the past and there are no 100 % guarantees but you can work on letting the past go by looking toward the future and seeing the present.

Maybe working through this with a counsellor would help , getting your fears out into the open sometimes diminishes them . Unfortunately we don't come equipped with an erase button to wipe out things we already know, but we can acknowledge they exist and DECIDE not to let them affect our future.

Good luck.

Helen

[chacha]

AGN- i guess you're right. that's true. but no---he did NOT donate a sperm bank trust me on that. that was the only girl he ever had a one night stand with and iknow this because we believe in God and he did say that he would never lie to God and told me that was the only girl he ever had a one night stand with.
I guess it is true what you said--our baby will be the first one he will care and look after...but how can or what can i do to feel a little better about this whole thing? what can i do to stop thinking about this situation so much? if he can forget about it i should be able to too..

jkk- well yes the only thing i am really concerned about is how to stop thinking so much about it. i know hes told me so much that makes me feel as if he really doesn't care about the situation but it still lingers in my head. my bf has never done or said anything to me that would make me think he'd do anythign behind my back or to hurt me. what i am disturbed about is just this whole situation. he tells me he will consider our child as his first baby, and i know that wouldn't be so true because of this situation, but its the fact that he said he will treat our baby real well, take care of it..so like what AG said -he probably don't technically mean he'll consider this baby as his first but he will treat this baby and actually be a father?
well like what my bf said--he warned that girl that he wasn't ready and didn't want to have that baby. the girl took the full responsibility and told him its ok and that he didn't have to be apart of it. simple as that. he wasn't there for her since day 1 of her pregnancy because of this. he told her he didn't want to take any responsibility and would want her to have an abortion because he wasn't going to be apart of the babies life he didn't want the baby. but teh girl insisted on keeping the baby so she said she would take full responsibility. after those words--its all her job; nothing for him to do because he told her how he felt and what he would do abotu this whole situation.

helen-yes yes yes. this whole thing happened in one whole time period. and YES my basic instinct does want me to be the mother of my bfs first child even though deep down it isn't true.
yes my bf has reassured me many many times within just this past week since i've been having so many trouble letting go of this situation in this whole timeframe. he did reassure to me that even though he is the biological father of that child he would never do anythign with the kid. plus the thing is--he told the girl he wasn't going to take any responsibility for the child and wanted her to get the abortion. the girl wanted to keep the baby and insisted she kept it even though he felt thta way so because he told her he didn't want it and wouldn't take full responsibility thats why he asked her to get an abortion..because he told her this and she didn't want to follow thru-she told him it was okay and that she would take full responsibility since she didn't want to follow thru with what he wanted. he told her that he didn't want it but she insisted on keeping it for her..

yes i can't change the past and wipe out this situation but i can work on letting go of the past by looking toward the future and seeing the present. yes that's true. my bf even told me just the other day that he can't wait to have kids with me and be able to see our kids grow. that made me smile because i know he is actually wanting a future with me.
i will definitely NOT let this situation affect my future. i mean, look at it--he obviously does NOT let it affect his life. he doesn't consider this situation as his past or even a history in his life so i should do the same. like a saying i thought about "dont dwell or worry about someones past that happened when you weren't even apart of their life yet"..true right?
what can you tell me as to how i can "forget" about this situation and to stop bringing it up so much. what can i do to let it stop lingering in my head everytime!? my bf told me that he honestly doesn't care for the situation. he told me that he never ever thinks about it, he never thinks about the situation and the what ifs and what not, he says that to him in his mind he doesn't know what im talking about when i do bring it up to him, in his mind its as if this situation has never occurred..
what can you guys give me as advice as to how i can let this not affect my future. what kind of words can you guys give me to feel much more secure about this situation. i know you guys are probably thinking, my bfs words and actions should already tell me that. but im the type of person that likes to hear other peoples opinions and i like to hear what others have to say about situations i go thru. i like to hear what others would think if they were in my situation, these sort of things. i just want someone to input some word of advice as to what i can do to act as if this never happened, or not so much that because i already know this happened so its hard not to think/feel that way--but more so i want someone to tell me how i can forget about bringing it up so much and how i can let it stop letting it linger in my brains so much...my bf obviously forgot about this whole situation and he told me he feels as if this never occurred so i should feel the same way, but its hard ..so i need advice on what i could do or think. whats someone u guys can tell me so that if i ever think about this situation or let it get to my head i have a phrase or sentence that u guys input in my brain to act as if i shouldn't think about it because of so and so..?

[huting]

You can't change the past only the future!

[chacha]

yes i know i can't change the past...the thing i want to know is how i can i act as if i don't know anything about it. or how can i let it stop lingering in my head?? how can i stop thinking about this situation so muchh?? what are any word of advice u guys can give me so that if i ever do think about this situation i think of the positive things for the future for us and not the negative things that already did happen??

[huting]

sorry perhaps i didnt make myself clear, this was the phrase that you are supposed to keep in your head everytime you think about the situation, you cant change the past, you can only change the future, the thing is if you keep bringing it up or throwing it in is face then you will cause problems in your relationship, stop thinking about it, hes with you and wants to be.

you cant change it so accept it and move on. if you find yourself thinking about it, think of something else, rainbows, your own good memories or listen to happy upbeat music. the key is to distract, after a while it will become easier.

[chacha]

huting-
oh i see. sorry for the misunderstanding. thank you...that's true though-i know i can't change the past but i can build on to a better future. he told me that whenever i bring it up to me he gets annoyed and mad because he doesn't even know what im talkign about (thats what he says)-he says he doesn't know what im talkign about because like he told me-he doesn't care abotu this situation and he feels as if this situation has never occurred anyways.
thign is-i found out from his cousin that they only assume it is his baby...the girl might have slept around with other people before or after him and didn't even remember or know. she might have had sex with someone else before my bf and got pregnant by him and haven't known she got pregnant from him. then when my bf had sex with her she probably found out she was pregnant after him and then automatically insisted it was his child..the girl didn't take any paternity tests so its not a fact. but the thing is people that know her and the girl herself assumes and says that is my bfs baby. so how is that possible?

[jkk]

hi

i think to stop it lingering in your head, you have to understand why it lingers, why is it important to you, why you are stressing over it.

You could try a few cognative behavioural techniques (therapies), for example put an elastic band on the wrist, and ping it every time it begins to linger in your head, or image placing the thoughts into the palms of your hands, screwing them up and throw them away, then force yourself to concentrate on something else.

But i really think you need to understand why it lingers. I think you should seek a spot of counselling, and stop the lingering thoughts. Sooner rather than later, if it is affecting your relationship with your b/f.

[chacha]

jkk-the reason why it lingers so much in my head is the fact that it happened. i know its the past but its the fact that it happened that lingers in my brain. and the other reason is because of the fact that when we have a child together i know that in the back of my mind even if he says he will consider our baby his first child it will be hard to believe that because in the bck of my mind i know thats not the truth...so that is the reason why it lingers in my mind so much
i know my bf has made it clear to me that he will do nothing to have any connection with this child, he doesn't want anything to do with that situation...and as a matter of fact the thing that makes me more happy about what he says/does is that everytime i bring up about this situation the first thing he asks me is what am i talking about, he doesn't know what im talking about, in his head its as if it never occurred...im glad that he never ever thinks about this situation and never ever remembers it as anything. the fact that he says its not even a part of his past/history in his life makes me feel better about this situation. i guess like i said the only reason why it lingers in my head so much is the fact that when we do have a child of our own in reality it isn't his first child--even if he tells me he will consider it that way..i guess i'm just having a hard time coping with the reality that thats that-you know??

[jkk]

Hi

you wrote that you have know about the child for a long time. How long ago was it? When did it begin to linger? Does it bother you more now, than when you were first told? What thought do you find worse, the one night stand issue, or the child? If you believe that he will not contact the child, are you worried that the child will contact him?

jkk

[chacha]

jkk- yes i found out about this when we first got together. his brother brought it up one time when we were talking about babies and i asked him for the truth about it and he told me the truth. but that time it didn't bother me so much because we weren't in such a serious relationship. but now we're going onto almost 4 years, we're both adults and are almost ready to start settling down to make our future together. thats why it started to sort of linger on me also because of the fact that we're older and more mature and we're both ready to start settling down but i only remembered the thought of this baby situation again when his aunty brought it up one time when we were arguing (to be honest i never did think about it or act anything about it before his aunty brought it up because i totally forgot about it.) she told us that if all we do is argue how are we going to work out when we have a baby if we always argue. then she looked at my bf and told him "like what happened to you" and that really made me angry/depressed because of the way his aunty said it. the fact that she acted as if they were in a relationship and had the babies and they had too much arguments thats why they separated made me confused because from what i heard it was just a one night stand! so i asked his cousin about it and she told me that her aunty is like that--she likes to switch stories around because shes a good gossiper. then she told me the story and how it was actually a one night stand and after that night they both didn't talk to each other.
the thought that i find worst is the child issue. having to have it linger in my head that when we have our child it won't be his first. even though he tells me that he will consider this child as his first baby since he says he doesn't remember that situation (one night stand and having a baby) he doesn't remember or care about that situation and its as if it didnt occur in his mind--he says he'll consider our child his first kid. but in my head i know that thats not the truth and thats what hurts me. i know he's only saying these words to make me feel better about this situation but its hard to actually believe his words when i know that already isn't true.
i know he doesn't want ANYTHING to do with the child. and i already asked him that question"what if the child tries to contact you" my bfs cousin told me there is no way the child will be able to contact him because the mother of the child doesn't even talk to my cousins brothers anymore (my bf met this girl through his cousins -2 guys). my bf told me that if the child were to ever try to find him though, it wouldn't work because he'll ignore the kid and not want anythign to do with the kid. like what he told his cousins to tell the girl when she found out she was pregnant, he didn't want anything to do with the kid and doesn't want to bother with the kid at all...to him this situation d\idn't occur and it isn't in his past or a part of his history in life...

[Ageing Grace]

I think you want something you can't have, Chacha. I think you want your baby to be the first your man has ever fathered. You can't have this because the past has already happened! But you CAN be the first mother, of the first child, that he chooses to father :)

I wonder whether your boyfriend sensed you had a problem with this, and that's why he keeps saying about 'it never happened' and 'your baby will be the first'? Like he wants to make you happy, and he senses this is what you want, so he tries to make it be true?

Fact is, you can't go back & un-make history. The other big fact is: yours WILL be the first baby he chooses to have. Yours WILL the first baby he fathers, as in actually being the father.

So are you still wanting that thing you can't have?

I'm in total agreement with JKK and Helen. Why this is still bothering you imight due to some glitch in your own mind, some memory - our minds hold onto the weirdest things; it might be a tiny little reason like a remark you overheard when you were small, that you misunderstood because you were small, and it just stuck in your mind without ever being understood right. It might surprise you to hear that most people have a couple of those misunderstandings tucked away in their subconscious! Quite often, something like that is the real reason why a person is afraid of dogs, say, or don't like elevators.

What a therapist can do - very quickly, if you find a good one - is help you remember the dumb thing that caused your mind to develop this misunderstanding in the first place. As soon as you remember it for yourself, of course you see it for what it really is and the misunderstanding gets fixed. Simple.

I may be wrong about the overheard remark or whatever, but I'm pretty sure a good practitioner can help you sort this issue out for good.

IF you truly can't afford a therapist (not even one session to discuss your worry?), you can try cognitive techniques like the ones JKK suggested. They have certainly helped me a great deal, over the years.

The idea is to separate the past thing, which you can't change, from the coming thing - which is your future, and which you can choose to think & act positively towards. So, example, you start thinking about the other baby and you choose to SEE (imagine) that thought as a useless annoyance (JKK thinks of a screwed-up piece of paper, I think of a pointy little elf!) - and you choose to send it away, throw it away, burn it, tear it up, whatever feels good to you. Then you choose to replace it with a nice, warm imagining about how it will feel to hold your first baby, what your home will be like then, an evening in your kitchen with your little family - and so on.

Do you get how this works? Is there another way we can explain it to you that might help you better?

Personally I think you'd get on really well with a couple of therapy sessions but I hope some of this is working for you one way or another!

All my best wishes, Chacha
AG

[chacha]

AG= you're exactly right...I do want my man to be the father, but more so-i want HIM to actually be the father of my child and have our child be HIS first child-which eventually can't already happen. I guess I can think of it that way--I be the mother of the first child he chooses to father.
It's just that it still sucks knowing and having that thought linger in my head that his first baby wouldn't be our first baby.

I actually tell my boyfriend everything I feel. And the first thing he actually told me when I wanted to know about all this was it never happened and that our baby is what he'll consider his first. but when i told him to be truthful about it he did tell me what happened because i told him if he wasn't hiding anything i wanted to know the details and the truth since only he would know. & yes--i believe he is trying to make me happy and feel better about this situation that's why he says these things.
Sad story is, -yes i can't go back into the past and un-do this. I guess the other big fact you mentioned makes me feel a little better also though , "yours WILL be the first he chooses to have. yours WILL be the first baby he fathers, as in actually being the father" thats true because altho he did make a baby with someone else, he doesn't father that child-let alone never did ever see that child!

I'm not sure about how this might be bothering me due some glitch in my own mind. I can't afford a therapist, so sadly that wouldn't work.
But i think the dumb thing that caused my mind to develop this misunderstanding in the first place was about his aunty. remember how i said his aunty brought it up and she brought it in such a way where its as if they were together but the truth was they was never together?? how his aunty likes to gossip so her words got stuck in me? im not sure...

Cognitive techniques sounds very good. It's just that sometimes i don't think before i talk so once that issue gets in my head i just start talking and rambling about what i want to/need to say. I would totally love to imagine the other baby (NOT AS A POINTY ELF but maybe something worst, so i can laugh about it too? hah) and be able to burn it and laugh about that situation.
I know the past is the past and i can't change that. I can only change or work onto building a better future...This situation is just never ending in my head maybe because it deals with how my future in my brain will be (how i know his first child wouldn't be ours even though he says that he will consider it to be).
Yes I get how the cognitive techniques work and i hope soon that i can start doing these because i hate feeling so down about this situation.
just today we had an argument because i brought it up. my mind just went crazy and i started to tell him how he was a sperm donor and ill do the same to make him feel how i feel. but i only said that to make myself feel better about this, which obviously made things worst...i guess my problem too is that i have a hard time thinking before i act/say anything.