Husband has kissed me after 1 1/2 years

[yogamad]

Well, after nearly a year and a half, my H put his arm round me and kissed me. It felt really awkward and weird for both of us.

Yesterday we wasn't very nice to me and I told him that I'd moved on and was getting on with my life and I was happy. Today he told me he didn't like me saying I'd moved on and what did I mean. I explained what I meant and he put his arm round me and kissed me and said he wanted us to try again.

This is more or less what I did a couple of months ago and he called me childish. I feel a lot stronger this time round and I'm not going to be messed around again. He said that we should take things slowing but I wish he'd said this a couple of months ago as now I feel that I've moved on and don't know how I feel about him anymore.

I feel a bit confused at the moment but time will tell I guess ....

[Helpless]

make sure you don't get carried away in the heat of the moment and make sure whatever you do you do it for you, good luck xx

[yogamad]

Thanks Helpless. If I'm honest I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it for my boys, to keep our family together. But we've been together for 20 years and part of me thinks it's worth trying to make our marriage work before I give up on it completely. I'm taking one day at a time.

[Raymond]

I think it is a good sign, that he wants to try that is Yogamad. It needn't change you drastically as you have found some inner strength for you and your boys. He has noticed this it seems and maybe he doesn't want to be left out.

Nevertheless a marriage where there is unity is a great strength and his tentative actions could lead to better things. You have to find a way to build your marriage while continuing to build yourself. I think that is how it should be anyway. Yes the physical is all part of it but you will still always be you. If he wants to hold and kiss you it is a healthy thing. If it continues the awkwardness will get less and less. Don't clam up whatever you do. I know it's hard.

Raymond

[ken94]

Yogamad,

I am in the same position and I am quite doubtful sometimes. I try to keep on the line I define few weeks ago to support her whatever and I would like her tobe my wife again. But I certainly understand you as I feel the same !

Courage, I think it is for the good reasons.

Ken

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond and Ken.

Raymond, you're right, it is hard. H was made redundant last week so that is the last thing we needed, after he'd got settled in a job after his breakdown and everything. We were pleasant to each other this morning and he kissed me before I left for work and waved me off. It's those little things that I've missed and I can't tell you how strange it feels to have him doing that again. I texted him in my lunchbreak and got a nice reply, telling me he's got an interview tomorrow so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him.

Ken, I hope things also work out for you. All the best,

Yoga
x

[Johnee S]

YM don't get caught in the spiders web, fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you. If you decide to pursue or chance the thought just remember everything that happened the good and the bad. Take your time with it, don't be blinded like I was. What are his motives? Why does he want to try again after so long? Is he settling or does he genuinely want to be with you? You've come a long way, please don't let him hurt you again.

[Raymond]

You can be too suspicious Johnee. One has to take these things in good faith until you know otherwise. It would be a terrible situation for a wife or husband to hug their spouse and the other to think what does he/she want? I never think that of my wife but I suppose that everybody knows what their own spouse is like.

Raymond

[huting]

can i ask yogamad but how did u detatch yourself from the situation so much and stop caring as much about him? i am still wioth my husband and love him very much but want to detach a little, i think it will help as he as problems showing his feelings and enjoys time alone, and then at least if it happens again i wont hurt as much. any tips or advice please on how you did it, i know the situation is different but it may help, my husband doesnt like my clingyness.

[Ageing Grace]

Huting, take a look at Yogamad's threads! Starting with this one: My Husband Hates My Family (http://2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=5682), then moving on to: He's Leaving Me (http://2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=5808) :)

Yoga's story is such an inspiring & heartening one, I hope she's going to turn it into a book afterwards :D

Yoga - when I saw the title of your new thread, I jumped around yelling "Hurray!"
I know what you mean, though. On the one hand, here is a promise of all that you missed so desperately, last year (Hurray!). On the other - you've come so far, rediscovered your lovely self, achieved a state of Zen-like calm around your marriage ... is this what you want, now? Especially when it comes at a time of weakness for hubby?

I don't know what I'd do. But I hope I'd feel in as good a place as you are: as you say, it's excellent to enjoy the signs of a return to closeness, and I'm glad you're able to! But now the rules have changed, what's around the corner?

Nobody knows! Just for today, Yoga, I'm VERY happy for you. And very impressed :)

As Raymond says, stay true to your self, for that's the core of your life - and your family's.

Lots of love,
AG

[yogamad]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Johnee, I don't know why he's decided to try again after so long. He still told me he's taking it one day at a time but I think it was my saying that I'd moved on that prompted him to try again. I'm certainly not leaping up and down and trying so hard like I was all those months ago. I'm calm and just seeing what happens each day. He is also not trying really hard. When I went up to bed last night he reached over and gave me a kiss and a hug. This morning I wished him well for his interview, kissed him and waved him off. I texted him at lunchtime to see how it was going too. When he got home tonight I didn't kiss him and he didn't kiss me but he did thank me for my text.

Good to hear from you again Raymond and thanks for your support and advice.

Huting, the detaching came about gradually, bit by bit until I felt more confident and sure about myself. I am now like a different person, a lot more outgoing, happy, calm at work and at home. I accepted every invitation that came my way and also made more of an effort to arrange nights out/coffee with friends, etc. I have accepted an invitation to go to a male strip show in October with some people that I don't know that well, although my sister is also going. I'm not sure if I will enjoy it or not but so what if I don't, I'll know next time not to go but I may meet some new people and have a laugh. I'm trying not to take life so seriously and have more of a laugh (I think turning 40 in August also had something to do with it). My advice to you would be to also make more of an effort to do things on your own and not be so independent on your H, being clingy is not very attractive. There's nothing wrong in enjoying time on your own, it's healthy to have different hobbies/interests. I also think I now believe in myself, I like myself and others like me and I'm not going to let anyone put me down again. For example, whilst on holiday in the summer my H and my oldest son went off to the shops and couldn't find me when they got back to our tent. They found me and my youngest son on the trampolines having a great time. H just shook his head and said "I thought I'd find you here" in a 'telling me off sort of voice' as if I should have just waited at the tent until he'd got back. I couldn't care less, I was having fun with my son while he's still young enough to want to spend time with me (he's 13 next month). I just bounced even higher, laughed even louder and I think that told my H what I thought of him more than if I'd got off the trampoline and spoken to him about it. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Don't know if I've explained it well but just to try and be more confident in every day life really, it certainly helped me.

AG, good to hear from you, we haven't 'spoken' for ages. Do you know, I think I put on my very first thread that when I spoke to a counsellor she said it was like an autobiography ... who knows if future I may have a best seller on the shelves ... lol


Like I said before, I don't know what's around the corner, I'm just taking each day as it comes and not expecting too much.

H came home from his interview, got the job but doesn't know if he wants it and we sat down and discussed it. He's always hated his job (don't know if I said before but he's a dental technician - makes teeth basically) but it pays very well. I told him he has to make a decision to either choose something completely different that may not pay as much or stay in a job he doesn't enjoy. BUT ... he has to do some kind of work, he can't expect to stay at home every day which is what he would like to do if I got a full time job. I suggested there was a job going at Asda for a delivery driver but he said the pay was crap and it wasn't a proper career. I told him that the proper career he does have makes him depressed and grumpy and I'd rather he earnt less and was happy. So he doesn't know what to do. He has a week to let the company know one way or the other. I also suggested he give it a chance as he may enjoy it more than he thinks but it's long hours, long commuting and I do seriously doubt he'll enjoy it.

I don't really enjoy his company any more, he's always so down and moaning about something. At bedtime he says stuff like "one more day nearer to retirement or death". It's like he's given up on life. He said he'd noticed I'm going out more, in that 'telling me off' voice again and I told him that I didn't enjoy being with him (this was at the weekend when he was having a go at me). Just as I was explaining above to Huting, H also needs to start going out (he doesn't go anywhere or see anyone). He doesn't see if family much (as you already knew) and has cut off ties with friends he has known for over 20 years. If you remember they came to my 40th b'day meal and H didn't come. He told me that they're my friends now, not his ... I mean, how childish is that. I didn't even bother to answer. Our friends told me at the meal that they're not giving up on him because they've known him for so long. He needs to get out there and start being more positive but he's very hard to talk to because he always sees the negative in everything.

Sorry for the long post. And will stay true to myself ... thanks AG.

Yoga
x

[Johnee S]

Yoga I wish you the best through this. I know you are strong enough to go either way, I hope he is genuine.

[Raymond]

You are handling things very well Yogamad. You are right to have fun with your children while you can. That is so very important.

Don't let your husband pull you down with his comments, but if there are obvious ways to cheer him up use them.

I think you are hitting it just right in the circumstances. You are a much stronger person than when you first wrote. I do think your husband has a few personal problems though but you seem up to it.

Raymond

[Raymond]

You are handling things very well Yogamad. You are right to have fun with your children while you can. That is so very important.

Don't let your husband pull you down with his comments, but if there are obvious ways to cheer him up use them.

I think you are hitting it just right in the circumstances. You are a much stronger person than when you first wrote. I do think your husband has a few personal problems though but you seem up to it.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Well, H has decided not to take the job as he knows it will make him unhappy. I obviously don't want him to be unhappy and I think he would probably leave anyway in a couple of weeks/months if he took it. It will be hard though for a while as I will have to pay bills on my own but I'm sure I'll cope. He has savings to help out so I'm hoping he will help out a bit.

He kissed me when I got home and asked if I'd had a good day but I didn't really feel anything, don't know about him. I got paid today and when he saw my wages slip he said "is that all you get"? I told him that I only work part time and at least I am bringing home some money. I've enjoyed him not getting at me for these past few months and if we start becoming a couple again, he could start nagging again.

[JWD]

Hi Yoga, its great to hear from you again.

I'm so pleased how well you're coping yoga, you're a saint. It will be difficult not to fall into the same pattern where he starts putting you down again so you still stay strong, you know that you can cope whatever happens.

[yogamad]

Good to hear from you too JWD. How are you these days?

To be honest I think I would've preferred to carry on as we were before, having separate lives, it was easier somehow. Now I've got to start trying to get on with him again, spending more time with him and I really don't know if I want to. I'm used to having the weekends to myself to do what I like (unless I'm doing something with my boys). Maybe things will start to get easier, I don't know. I'm determined to stick up for myself and try to talk about problems as they arise. Having him just hanging around the house isn't helping at all though, he's starting to get on my nerves already. He is helping with housework and cooking and clearing away which is great because I'm working full time at the moment to try and earn some extra money. But he says things like "you're the breadwinner now, I'm the househusband, don't leave stuff lying around, don't get in the way of my routine, blah blah blah" so you can see why he's getting on my nerves. But I will get through this, hopefully he'll get another job soon and hopefully I'll start to like him a little more ...

[Raymond]

I was going to say that yesterday. He really needs another job. Hopefully he will get fed up with it soon, staying at home that is.

Raymond

[yogamad]

And also to get a life! Atmosphere a bit better today. Our hug when I came home from work felt a little more genuine and we hugged for a fraction longer than yesterday.

I find him very depressing though and he said he felt low today and I'm not surprised just stuck at home all day. I told him that he needs to get out more and why not just ring an old friend and go out for a drink. We have a great mutual friend who H has known since school days but he said his 'youthful enthusiam' got on his nerves. I think this is a shame and they have known one another for 30 yrs. He told me that he doesn't like crowds now but I told him he's almost becoming a recluse. I said to just go for it but I very much doubt he will.

Putting everything into perspective though my younger son got a sweet stuck and couldn't breathe. H was great, did the 'whatever it's called' manouvrre and the sweet flew across the kitchen. I was just about to phone for an ambulance. I'm trained in first aid because I work in a school but I went into a complete panic. H saved the day. I've only just calmed down and it happened over an hour ago.

I'm not really looking forward to the weekend much with no money and a depressing H. Oh no ... he's grinding me down already!! lol

[Raymond]

He really needs work Yogamad. Anything is better than nothing. He obviously has skills in first aid and there is bound to be a lot he can do in other areas once he gets going. Work is very good therapy, not overwork, but work then rest and play.


I think all you can do is encourage him in that direction and build him up. He needs something to hang his day on.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond, I agree with you. He has been busy so far this morning, lots of housework which obviously helps me out but it's not a great day for him really as he won't be talking to anyone.

I will encourage him best I can to get out. Think it's going to be quite a rough road ahead somehow ...

Last night in bed we held each other for most of the night and it's starting not to feel quite so awkward so that's a step in the right direction.

Thanks again.

[Raymond]

I think it is a step in the right direction too, marriagewise anyway, but theres still the other of course, which are his personal problems really. It sounds to me like his is shying away from life and trying to build his life just in his house and marriage, a kind of recluse. You need to keep encouraging him away from that and put his hand to something outside the home. Make sure he keeps looking for something if you can.

Raymond

[yogamad]

I'm struggling today. Luckily I've booked myself a hair appointment so I'm going out which is what I seem to need. H pointed out that I've been going out more lately but it's what keeps me sane in this relationship. H told me to wait another 3 months before having my hair cut because we can't afford it at the moment but I haven't had it cut for 3 months as it is. I told him that I'd earnt the money and that I was having it cut, end of story. He has also broken the washing machine by trying to open the door before it had finished its cycle so we now (or rather he says me) will have to buy a new one. It's little comments like this that bug me and I'm really trying to bite my tongue rather than retaliate. Does that seem petty?

[Raymond]

Keep going out if it helps you. It will be better for him if you do. Get your hair cut as well. I know how important that is to a woman although I'm the one who cuts my wife's hair and vice versa. People do comment on how good her style is so it's no problem.

You need a lot of patience in your situation and have to choose your words wisely. You are doing well I think and need your own outlets to keep going under. Hopefully he will find work soon and be able to contribute more financially.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond. I ended up having a good day. Had my hair cut into a shorter style and feel really pleased with it, so maybe I just needed to pamper myself a little. H picked me up and we did a bit of shopping together (held hands) and I came home feeling happy.

I don't find it anywhere near as hard to stand up for myself as I did before and that definitely helps. I think I just need to give it time and not to expect too much too soon. We've planned a day out tomorrow, just a walk along the beach, but I'm looking forward to it.

[huting]

Hey yogamad, I'm glad to hear that ur sticking up for urself these days, I think maybe after what u said about u moving on and now u go out more and have ur hair done nice, I think its more fear on his part, he's scared that u don't need him anymore or want to be with him.

[yogamad]

Hi Huting

I think you're probably right. He would have no one if we did split up, not even his family who he rarely sees.

I've always tried to make an effort to look nice so that is nothing new but me going out more is new and also sticking up for myself of course. I still find him good looking and he dresses well but I do have a problem with his weight (14 st and he 5' 8"). The problem is that the extra 2 stone is all on his stomach, while his legs are still slim. If I'm honest he looks about 9 months pregnant, I'm not exagerating here, it's huge. I have spoken to him about this loads of times and he says he's happy as he is and that if he lost weight he wouldn't get more sex so what's the point (that's when we were having sex of course). I don't want him to start going to a gym or anything but just to lose a little weight would be nice. I hope I don't sound shallow saying that because ultimately I just want him to be happy but I can never see myself sleeping with him while he still has that stomach ... mostly because I can't breath. Exercise would help but he hates exercise. I have tried telling him that exercise also helps with depression but he just doesn't want to try anything. Anyway, sex is a long way off so I'll worry about that if and when it happens!

[Raymond]

Excercise increases the sex drive for a man apparently, so hes losing out on more than one count by not excersising. Does he eat and drink a lot?

Glad you were having a time of walking by the sea. That cannot be bad. Things like that will do him good if you can get him into it.

If he doesn't go out maybe an indoor excersise bike will help? Thats after you have paid for the washing machinehttp://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/images/icons/icon8.gifhttp://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/images/icons/icon12.gif

Raymond

[huting]

hey yogamad,sex can enrich a marriage, as 2 people are truly close and intimate with each other during this, they connect on an entirely different level so to say that you dont have sex right now or wont consider it is a problem. 2 things, perhaps you could get on top that way you will be able to breathe as he his not ontop of you, or maybe you could say to him for motivation that you think if he lost some weight then you would fancy him more and would feel more of the urget to sleep with him. if he knows that there may be a chance of sex then this might be an incentive he needs.

[ken94]

yogamad,

You can get free washing machine and bicycle on Freecycle.
Also you can try second hand shop like Emmaus.

On your relation, carry on and time will help. He needs your support.

I completly agree with huting and there are loads of positions where you won't have to support his weight.
Raymond is right about the sport and sex drive but what about you ? Do you pratice a sport so you get in shape and get more sex drive ? (I know it seems a bit arsh to you but you could do sport together like tennis or running or just going for a long walk)

Ken

[yogamad]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I didn't want anyone to think I was horrible for bringing up H's weight.

Raymond, he doesn't drink very much at all. He eats quite healthily really but always eats til he's really full and doesn't snack inbetween. His stomach is really hard and I think he actually has some food intolerances because after certain foods it swells up. We actually measured it once in the morning and by the evening it was bigger by 4 cm. It doesn't bother him in the slightest but I've been asking him to do something about it for yrs. There is no way on earth he would use an exercise bike. Believe me, I've tried over the years to encourage him to do something he enjoys and told him about all the health benefits but he says he gets nothing from it.

Huting, I used to go on top of H sometimes but looking down on his big stomach isn't that nice either. It was more comfortable but I want to be able to fancy him. I feel sorry for him in a way because we are a 'foodie' family and while our sons and me can eat what we like and not put on weight, he puts on weight easily. I like your suggestion about encouraging him to lose weight then I would fancy him more and would feel more of the urge to sleep with him. I will try that.

Ken, I have a normal sex drive, I wouldn't say high or low just somewhere in the middle. Like I said before, I don't put on weight easily. I'm 5' 3" and weight 8 st. Even though I'm slim I still exercise to stay toned. I cycle to work every day, do lots of yoga, weights, etc. I love exercise and the way it makes me feel and really wish I could get H to see the benefits of it. I have tried taking H running with me but he didn't enjoy it. To be honest I only really enjoy exercise on my own as it's my way of unwinding but I'd be willing to giving anything a go really. It would have to be free though at the moment due to our finances. My yoga teacher was brilliant when I told her that I wouldn't be able to go for a while til H got another job. She told me I could still come to the classes for free as I've been going for so long. I thought that was really lovely of her and felt really touched.

H and I had a good day and took our boys with us aswell. When we got back we both watched TV and then had a nap together and H said it was nice for us to relax together. He has a good point and I think I need to slow down and make sure I sit down and chat to him more. I'm a bit of a whirlwind and rarely sit down as I like being on the go. So we're quite opposite like that, I'm wizz about always doing something and he's a bit of a couch potato. We'll have to meet somewhere in the middle I think. It's funny but even with all the work he did in the garden (and he was out there practically all day every day) he never even lost an ounce.

There's obviously a lot for us both to work on here. I think the thing that's different this time is that we are both trying hard, whereas in the past he's tried and I haven't responded and I've tried and he hasn't wanted to know. I feel a lot more confident that we could be happy together. He told me today that he loves me a bit and that we've been together for too long just to throw it away. I'm hoping that gradually over time we may grow to love each other again. I'll let you know how I'm getting on.

Thanks all of you for your support, I really appreciate it.
Yoga
x

[ken94]

Yes sorry with your name I should have guessed you do yoga !
:-)


"He has a good point and I think I need to slow down and make sure I sit down and chat to him more. I'm a bit of a whirlwind and rarely sit down as I like being on the go. So we're quite opposite like that"
Yes I was wondering exactly that !!!

[Raymond]

I admire your wisdom Yoga about meeting in the middle. I am very much like you in some ways. For me activity is life and I am a bit of a keep fit fanatic. Even though that's good I have to recognise my wifes life and interests, some of which are different from mine. I have made progress over the years. My wife turns out to be just as lively as me but shows it in different ways. There is a lot of wisdom in meeting in the middle. I think you will win this battle. I am thrilled that he likes gardening. There is a lot of physical work in that. Any healthy interests he has is a plus. The therapy will be good for him.

My wife does join me for swimming sometimes which is good. Our walking holidays are really meeting in the middle for me and it's working very well. I have other times I can do my other things. Walking is not a bad thing to do.

I hope you are wearing you helmet for cycling. I left mine off with near fatal consequences about four yers ago.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Well, last night H wanted some help on the computer typing out letters of application so I helped him with those which he appreciated. I then did 1/2 hr yoga (I could've carried on for another 1/2 hr because I was enjoying it but I made myself stop) so we could then spend the rest of the evening together. So hopefully that is us meeting in the middle somewhere. H knows how much I enjoy my yoga so if I just stick to 1/2 hr a night, I think that's a good compromise.

If you remember H completely re-did our garden about a year ago and finished about a week ago and I have to say it looks fantastic. Now it's finished I'm quite happy to potter away with him out there so that's something we could do together although with winter on the way it may have to wait until next yr.

Raymond, we've tried swimming together and it didn't work but we could try again I suppose. H wanted to stop and chat after about 5 lengths whereas I wanted to keep going. With cycling it was the same, H said I took the fun out of it because I want to go fast and he likes to go leisurely. I do get his point though because I look on everything as a workout whereas for him it's just something fun to do. We did go cycling as a family on holiday and we all thoroughly enjoyed it (at a leisurely pace) so it's something we can work on there. Maybe if I suggest cycling to the pub, that might get his interest up at the thought of a pint. We do both enjoy walks so I'll suggest some nice walk at the weekends.

I do wear a helmet, although sometimes I must admit I do forget to put it on. Luckily it's mostly cycle paths to work but I still wear one (even though I hate it). We make our boys wear one to cycle to school and college so I'd be a hypocrite if I then didn't wear one myself so that's mainly why I wear it.

Things are going well. We got a part for the washing machine so H is fixing that as I write. He's being very affectionate, lots of hugs and kisses, asking how I am, how my day's been, etc. So I'm feeling quite positive at the moment.

[Raymond]

When I swim with my wife I leave her behind in the slow lane. It's no problem. We are still sharing an activity.

You have a very positive attitude. I think you will be able to make something out of nothing. In a way the whole relationship in marriage pivots around the wife. She can change the man not by trying to change him but through encouragement and wanting the best for him even if he doesn't deserve it. This may include reproof but if he knows you are for him he will not take it the wrong way. If the wife doesn't work at it there is nothing much the husband can do but the other way round there is a lot the wife can do. One of the quirks of life and marriage.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Yeah, my washing machine is fixed!

We could try swimming again it's just that I remember H only wanting to do about 5 lengths, whereas I like to do at least 30. Again, he thought I took the fun out of the activity but I can't help it that we're different in that way.

My H does like to moan, he hates being bored, doesn't like being left on his own, etc, sometimes it's like having another child to look after. I'm different again in that way, love being with other people, love time on my own, can always find something to do. So for my H to plod up and down the pool on his own is his idea of hell really.

Thanks for the other bit of advice, I hadn't really thought about it like that. I know that I didn't really include H in my life as much as I should've and the more he complained, the more I didn't want to! I have to slow down, he has to do more. Sounds simple really but we have to put it into practice.

I've arranged to go and see my parents on Saturday and I know already that H probably will not be pleased because as I said above, he can't find things to do so gets bored unless he's with me. I think this is unfair because I need time away from him and obviously I need to see my parents occasionally. He won't come with me because he doesn't like them so I'll suggest he'll have to find something. Then on the Sunday, I'll arrange either to do something as a family or as a couple.

[jkk]

Hi yoga,

you sure your not an adrenoline junkie! thriving - similar to joggers high!

jkk

[ken94]

jkk,

it isn't adrenaline

adrenaline is for the fear and so for risky sports

it is endorphin you meant !
See here : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endorphine

jkk,

I agree with you about the endorphin but that is for all the sport people me included.

You can get it very easily with sauna !
:-)

But I think sport people like me have to take the other non-sporty and non-endorphin junky into consideration.

Ken

[Raymond]

I think Yoga is aware of these things and is aiming for the balance. It's easier for a man. Any hobby or sport taken too far and which comes before your spouse is too much, but there is room to do what you need to do. My wife actually encourages me to stay fit and I will know when I am neglecting her.

Yogas position is different. There is pressure on her to curb good things which she is doing which I don't think she should bow to. They are very reasonable things like visiting her parents and keeping fit.

I am sure you will get the balance Yoga. You need to encourage him into work and to make a life for himself. Although we need our spouses I don't know whether dependency is a good thing which is what we are seeing here.

Raymond

[yogamad]

No I'm definitely not an adrenaline junkie - I hate that sort of thing. I just enjoy keeping fit and yoga's about as opposite as you can get from an adrenaline rush, it's all about feeling calm and peaceful.

I definitely did do too much yoga which took me away from my H and that was wrong (although it was only ever an hour an evening which isn't too bad).

I've made a hair appointment for our boys for Saturday and asked H if he can take them whilst I'm visiting my parents. He's happy to do that and I think I will give him something to occupy his mind whilst I'm not there. He's definitely quite dependent on me, I've never really realised this before. he either wants to be with me or our boys rather than friends or family which just isn't healthy. I can only try to encourage him. I have no plans to give up my nights/days out which I also need. With him not working and me working part time, we're together most of the time anyway at the moment.

Whilst I did too much yoga, H just sits in front of the TV all night which would drive me mad if I had to do that. I'd love to see him going out somewhere or just doing something!

[Raymond]

Good idea of yours giving him something to do while you visit your parents. The more you can be creative like that the better.

He seems to suffer from passivity the way he just sits in front of the TV. A programme here or there is good for a rest but using it as he does doesn't sound right. The more you can encourage him out of it the better. Too much time on your hands can be a bad thing.

I think your encouragement and wisdom here is the long term answer. Keep it up. A woman's encouragement doesn't seem much but long term there is a lot of power in it for change.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks for all the advice Raymond, I'll keep it up and report back how he's doing. Hopefully, I'll start to see some improvement somewhere.

Yoga

[yogamad]

Well things are improving ever so slightly.

I've come down with a bad cold and H brought me breakfast in bed this morning with some flowers he'd picked from the garden which I thought was really kind of him.

He needed to go to the post office which is only about a mile away but instead of leaping into his car like he normally would, he got on his bike and off he went. Right now he's taken our son to get his hair cut in town which is also about a mile away and they've both cycled off together. I told him all the good reasons for cycling rather than driving and I think he's taken it on board and is also feeling better for it.

I've been sitting down more (having a cold helps as I don't actually feel like getting up off the settee) and as a consequence we've been talking more.

So we seem to be going in the right direction.

[Raymond]

Thats really good Yogamad. Your encouragement is working. Flowers and tea in bed? Wow! People will start envying you if you are not careful. Keep up the good work. It will be a long haul but your encouragement and being for him will work wonders in the long run. You women have a lot of power if you did but realise it. If he knows you are for him, and he will by your encouragement of the good things however small, he will be able to take your views on things when he is not right because he knows you only want the best for him. I think you are doing really amazing.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond, your encouragement and advice helps such a lot.

We actually had sex last night. I asked him a couple of nights ago if he wanted to give it a go but he said he didn't feel ready but when I asked him last night he said yes. So that's a major step in the right direction for us and we both enjoyed it and it didn't feel awkward like I thought it would.

[Raymond]

Thats wonderful Yogamad. May it long continue. Keep up the good work and remember the encouragement and being for him. There is a lot more fruit to come.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Things are going really wells. We're definitely spending more time together and talking more and it's making a difference.

Also, H said he'd like my family to start coming round again which came as a total surprise. I'm really pleased though but am going to take it slowly. My parents were really pleased but my sister said she'd like an apology for the horrible things he's said to her in the past (& he has been really horrible to her so I can see where she's coming from). It's our youngest son's b'day this Thurs so I've suggested she come round with his card instead of posting it as she normally does and just stay for 1/2 hr for a cup of tea and some cake.

I'm still feeling positive about everything and I've had a good weekend.
x

[Raymond]

You are doing really well Yogamad but you don't want something coming in upsetting things. He may not be up to apologising just yet so it cannot be forced. Apologising would mean admitting he was in the wrong. Is he up to that yet? I would sort it with him if you can before they come round as obviously they won't settle until he has done it it seems. It was positive that he mentioned about them coming round. The more of an open life he can have the better I think and you are key in this with your encouragement and being for him. Keep up the good work and you should see him change and take up more responsibility in the long run.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Yes, I agree with you Raymond. When my sister told me that she couldn't move on until H had apologised to her, I told her that it wouldn't be for a while because H wasn't up to it. I know he can't handle too much at the moment and I don't want to set him back at all. He had an interview today and is going back tomorrow to help out as casual labour when they need him I think so that's good. He actually enjoyed today and came home quite positive.

I feel that things are moving in the right direction but I want to take it slowly and gradually. It's hard at times, he's still quite low most of the time, goes to bed early but hopefully we'll get there eventually.

[Raymond]

Yes you have to be wise about your sister Yogamad. You must judge when he can take it. The positive thing is he asked for them to come.

It's great that he is doing work now outside. That is a real positive. That will help his self respect a lot so that is really good. The money as well of course.

I think you will get there the way you are going. I knew it was not going to be a quick thing but there are definite changes happening, however slowly. Take it steady as you say. You may lose a few battles but you will win the war and see a different husband. Keep up the good work and be good to yourself as well.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Things have been a bit tense in our house the last couple of days. H didn't enjoy his work yesterday, now says he wants to set up his own lab and work from home with me as a partner. I'm not overjoyed at this but if I say anything, he says I'm not being supportive. According to him I can work with him in the mornings, then go to work in the afternoons then I've got evenings and weekends to get housework, etc done. He's told me to think of the money but I'd rather have less money and be happy.

Also, I been told at work that I need to do a 2 yr course in my own time with no extra pay and that on top of H troubles, had me in tears last night. H said I was acting weird and he thought that I was stronger now but I told him that I'm only human at the end of the day, not super woman.

We were getting on so well, I knew at some point something would come up that we had to deal with. I'm actually the one withdrawing, mainly due to tiredness because our conversations are always so heavy. He's told me that he can set up a little office in the loft to do all the invoices, etc and was surprised when I wasn't jumping up and down with joy. I actually feel like another good cry tonight because I've got so much on my mind and I thought that those days were behind me.

When H and I weren't getting on and I only had myself to think about I could cope better but with all the other problems, it's beginning to get me down. I'm fed up with aways talking about work or lack of it, teeth (he's a dental technician) and everything else.

My sister popped round yesterday with my son's card and said she didn't feel up to seeing H yet and couldn't just pretend that everything was ok and I actually felt relieved. As you say, at least H made the gesture.

I just don't feel so happy any more but I want to be.

[Raymond]

All seems a bit sudden to me Yogamad. Almost like he didn't enjoy one day so he has an alternative plan. What will he feel like a week down the line?

If that’s what he wants to do I suppose you must encourage but also you must show him the pitfalls as well. You are a team and you will have a contribution to make regarding this venture. Maybe about whether it is sound or not. That is being a good wife. Encouraging means encouraging good things you see not agreeing to everything. You cannot be controlled or lie. You wouldn't be much help if you did.

Say this is a good venture what is it about it that troubles you? All things have to be considered. Your present job. This studying you have to do. The only good thing I see is that he is fired up about something rather than being apathetic, but is it sound?

Basically you have to live in what is real now not vaguely in the future. I wouldn't pour cold water on his venture even if it turns out to be hairbrained. It might just be a good thing for him. Give him something to pin his day on perhaps or maybe not. Time will tell.

I would just be patient, be nice, do what you have to do and not be rocked too much by it all. If it is a good idea it will have to be sifted and tested in all sorts of ways to see what it is made of.

All the encouragement and the being for him should give you the space to input some views on the matter without necessarily giving him discouragement. I think you have to ride it for a few days without losing what you have gained in your relationship.

It isn't better to not be getting on with him as that would not be a static thing and could get worse so don't go backwards.

Raymond

[yogamad]

We did have a tense couple of days, with both of us feeling a bit low but we've put it behind us and getting on well again now.

On Friday we had the day to ourselves as H as obviously at home, I had day off work as school closed for teacher training and boys at school/college. We went out for the day just the two of us and went for a really long walk along a coastal path and it was sunny and we talked the whole time. It felt relaxed and we both thorougly enjoyed it. We had a cheap snack for lunch and with the petrol we had a day out for under a tenner so that was a bonus as we obviously can't spend too much at the moment. H realises the benefits of exercise now and how much better it makes him feel. ~We either go for a cycle or a walk most days now and he feels so much better for it. He's even the one suggesting it! He's suggested we try dancing as funnily enough we went to the same dance school when we were younger but we never knew each other then. He did ballroom and i did ballroom and latin so we're going to look at the prices and maybe give it a go if it's not too expensive.

On the work front, he's been asked to work again tomorrow and he feels ok about it. He still mentions working from home as well and I've tried not to brush it aside but he knows I'm not keen. He worked self employed when the boys were tiny and the type of job he does means it long hours and by long hours I mean 8 am til 10 pm most days. It's one of the reasons why we haven't got on in the past because while I felt like a single parent, he was always tired and up to his eyeballs in work. Even though the boys are older now I have really bad memories of it. His long hours meant we've paid our mortgage off and I'm really grateful for that but no dental technician works short hours if they work for themselves, it's just the nature of the job unfortunately. I'd much rather he works for someone else, comes home at 6 pm and we have the weekends to ourselves. If he works for himself all that goes out the window, no more weekends off, etc. That's my main concern really and we have talked about it but we'll see.

On the sex side of things, there's no stopping us us. All awkwardness has gone, you'd never think we hadn't had sex for 18 months. In that department, things are better than ever.

Today we're off to a car boot sale with the boys and we're also cycling to supermarket where we previously would've driven. We're cooking together and have music on more than the TV these days so we can chat more. We've both agreed that if issues come up we'll talk about them and not bury them under the carpet, hopefully that way we'll sort issues out before they become too big.

It's half term next week so I'm looking forward to that. I have plans with H but also to spend some time doing what I want to do, visiting friends, etc. So hopefully a good week.

On a completely different note, my computer has a small crack down the centre of the screen which has resulted in me not being able to see a verticle stripe down the middle and also a horizonal stripe also in the middle going to the right. So if I don't reply one day you'll know I can't see a thing as the stripe is growing bigger daily. Also if my spelling is bad, sorry but I can't see in some parts what I've written.

[georgie]

Yoga that post all sounds so positive, nothing is ever perfect, but it sounds like genuine effort and desire to make things work which is so lovely to read. I really admire you, I think I would have given up and never known that this kind of turnaround could be possible - you are a unique, selfless tolerant and forgiving person in my view and I am a fan. x

[Raymond]

Glad you got through that couple of days Yoga and glad that you didn't let it phase you in the end. I'm sure you will work it out if you discuss together. You seemed to want to turn back at one point. Glad you didn't.

You've really got something going now to build on. Look at the way he is changing. He is even suggesting the excercise. Watch it though as it will increase sex drive. My wife says excercise releases endorphins as well, a natural feel good factor that your body produces. This does help if one is prone to depression so keep encouraging. You will see bigger returns. I guarantee it.

Fantastic about the dancing. It really is good to share a hobby together. It will help your marriage more. I can't get over where you are now. All power to you for encouraging him and being for him.

In a strange way the whole marriage relationship hinges on the woman. If she stops working on it there is nothing a man can do. If he stops working at it she can still bring it round by encouragement and being for him (provided he is not being unfaithful). Us men have to make sure that we act in such a way that she will want to work at it. Our main thing is to love and understand and give security in every department. Love will mean many things depending on the reciprocator.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thank you so much Georgie and Raymond. It's lovely to hear from you Georgie, I hope you're well and doing ok.

The crack I mentioned before has now taken over the whole screen and my son has linked the computer to the TV so we can still use it. It's a bit harder to write on here now as anyone can now see it if they walk into the living room.

I forgot to mention also that H texted my sister which I suggested

[Raymond]

That an apology then?

You need a new screen. You can pick them up quite cheaply these days.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond, we'll have to look into it. H walked in on my last post.

I was saying that I suggested H texted my sister as he may find that easier than speaking to her direct for the first time. He told her to forget his horrible phone call and that she was welcome round here any time. He didn't apologise because he said he had nothing to apologise for but my sister texted back to say she appreciated his text and that she may pop round one day this week. So I'll see what happens with that one.

I suggested that we could maybe see my parents for Christmas this year. I haven't seen them at Christmas for quite a few years because normally we go to Italy but obviously this year can't afford it. He said he couldn't bear it because they were too old - they're only in their late 60s! I let it go as it's still early days there but another year I don't see why we couldn't see them for a bit.

We have loads to work on but I feel quite positive.

[Raymond]

Hope it works out when the sister comes. If he honestly doesn't see how he offended her you have to let it pass. Us men are not always aware you know. We are learning.

Sad about your parents and Christmas. You are very wise to let it pass. Still be for him and encourage him although it is disappointing. He may well see it differently in time.

Does he know you are on this site or is it a secret?

Raymond

[yogamad]

No, he has no idea. I have shown him the marriage tips and stuff like that on here and he said he found it useful. I don't think he would like it if he knew I was writing on here but I may be wrong especially as I've found it so helpful and supportive. I may tell him one day, I don't know. For now though I like keeping it a secret as it wouldn't be so helpful if he could log in and read what I've been writing because he would know what I'm trying to do.

[yogamad]

Thanks Amber for your post and sorry to hear that you're in the same predicament as me. It's not easy and I've got a feeling that it's never going to be easy for H and I so we're probably always going to have to work at it.

H is at work again today so that's good news for us. He was in a bit of a state when he got home yesterday evening due to his lack of confidence and he was nervous again this morning so I just hope he gets on ok and doesn't give in. Money wise, things are a bit tight but I've got all the bills covered and there's food on the table so we're coping and that's the main thing, we're not getting into debt or anything.

Thanks again.
Yoga
x

[Raymond]

I find that gradually after all the internal adjustments and working at it you fit together more and more. I think God uses marriage to shape us and bring the best out in us. The working at it makes it the more interesting as it shows there are new areas to discover. I am enjoying where we are now but know that there will be a lot to come.

What is H nervous about Yoga? I know that you are learning to encourage and build him up when he needs it.

Raymond

[yogamad]

He's nervous about not being good enough and being given the sack. Before he had his breakdown he was fine and never worried about anything. He left a perfectly good job for another with more pay but he didn't enjoy it and walked out after 4 days. Then he was off a almost a year I think following his breakdown. He got another job working 3 days a week as that was all he felt he could handle and that is the one that he's just been made redundant from now. I think his confidence has taken a bit of a knock and he feels he's not good enough any more. I've told him I'd rather he was happy in a job which paid less. Money is obviously good to have but it's not everything if you're not happy.

I think he sees where I'm coming from now as I work part time in a job I enjoy but it's not necessarily the best paid job in the world. Luckily we're in a position where we can both work part time if we want but I think H would still prefer it if I worked full time and he could stay at home. I've told him lots of times that isn't healthy and that he needs to work at least 2 or 3 days a week.

[Raymond]

Thats sad. I didn't realise he had just been made redundant.

I think you are absolutely right in what you say. You are not pushing for a lot of money and only for him to work in a job he is happy in and that only part time for the minute. I think pushing for you to work full time and him not to work at all is an unhealthy option.

You can only keep encouraging him when he does well and being for him when things don't go so well. I think there should be a job for him somehere. He obviously has some talents but has taken a few knocks with his breakdown and now this redundancy. If he can build his confidence a bit it will work out, but that takes time. I think you are helping a lot in this and are getting there. I suppose he has memories of his breakdown and fear can come in, but the reality is he is much better than he was.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Well what he wants to do now is work from home with me as a partner and set up a business together. I've told him I'm not really happy about this but he says I'm being unsupportive. He still wants to do dental technology with him doing the work and me the paperwork and delivering to dentists locally before I start work in the afternoon. I'm still not 100% happy about this but have said I will do it. He then said I could give up some of my school hours and he could show me how to do some simple dental jobs but I said absolutely not. I'll do a couple of hours admin in the mornings but that's it, he has to do the actually work not me which he agreed to. But he still wants it to be our business and corrects me when I say 'his' but I don't really want a business.

I am trying my hardest to be supportive but it's really difficult if I'm honest. I've told him if he's serious about setting up on his own to take it slowly because his anxiety is quite bad at the moment.

I enjoyed my night out at the strip club last night, it was just a fun girls night out with a few drinks. We went into a club after dancing and I didn't get home til 2.30 am and he was awake and asked me what I'd worn out, how high my shoes were, whether I'd touched anything, etc, etc. I told him he was only asking me these questions because he was insecure and he admitted that he was and that he needs me more than ever. i told him I was going to go next year (it's on every year) and he replied "we'll see" to which I replied he has no right to ask me not to do something and he agreed to didn't. He wasn't angry and it wasn't a heated exchange just us talking. I find it much easier these days to stick up for myself because he doesn't shout at me anymore. I'm never to let him or anyone else tell me what I can and can't do ever again.

On the plus side, i got breakfast in bed again with more flowers today.

[Ageing Grace]

On the plus side, i got breakfast in bed again with more flowers today.

Well, that is a plus, Yoga :D

I'm glad you enjoyed your girls' night out - and continue to be impressed!
This is a very tricky question about the business, isn't it? I think you're absolutely right to set boundaries around the level of involvement (and responsibility) you'll accept. It's his project - you have agreed to support him with it. That's all he needs; his success will be thanks to his own efforts!

I'm guessing he might try to guilt-trip you into doing more than you've agreed to. Happily, you're well capable of stopping any such shenanigans in their tracks.

Oooh, you're so brilliant ... ! :cool:

AG xx

[yogamad]

Thanks AG.

Things still much the same. H still talking about setting up business, with me trying to be as supportive as possible but without taking on too much. He has up and down days, was very positive this morning but this evening says he's low even though he doesn't really know why. It's a bit difficult to deal with at times and I've felt myself get a little bit low because of it but it doesn't last long. We went to an art exhibition at my son's school because some of his drawings were on display and H said he felt a bit panicky whilst we were there but he didn't know why and I don't know either as all we did was walk around looking at children's work?

Now H's finished the garden, he's started on the kitchen. I now have no kitchen table (filled up with all his tools, etc), all my shelves have been taken down and everything dumped in the living room. God, sometimes, I think I deserve a medal for putting up with all this but I'm strangely happy :)

[Raymond]

He has obviously got a drive there and doesn't seem to be lazy. Maybe he can make it being self employed. He also seems to suffer from fear about some things. Do you know where this would have come from?

You are doing well holding the same line. Hopefully you will have a nice kitchen or is it he just wants something to do?

Raymond

[yogamad]

Yes, I have a lovely kitchen already, just as I had a lovely garden. It's just giving him something to do. I'm sure it will look even nicer once finished but I'm not sure if that's the point really. He also talks about moving to a run down house that needs doing up, a bit like property ladder, then making a profit and moving on. I'm not interested in this but I think he thinks it could be an alternative job. I just wish he'd get a job every day that didn't involve me, come home and be happy.

He told me this morning that he should have married someone rich to look after him and provide the money which I thought was quite hurtful but I ignored his comment.

[georgie]

Hi Yogamad, you do deserve a medal as far as I'm concerned. Hope things are a little better by now. I'd like to recommend a book to u, I've found it helpful and u and then ur H might too. It's called 'Feeling Good' By Dr D Burns. It's basically about how depression can be traced bac to our thought patterns, and how we can change these patterns. If u see a copy at the library etc. I think it would be worth a look. Best wishes and thought to and of u as always xxx.

[Raymond]

I think you'd be better of with the dental technician thing rather than having to keep moving all the time. It is the wrong time to be doing the house thing anyway at the moment. Seems like he changes his mind a lot but obviously wanting something to put his hand to.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Georgie for your support as always. I will definitely see if I can trace that book as it sounds very helpful.

Raymond, I think H is running ideas round in his head and coming up with all sorts of things but i don't know if he means them or not.

He told me this morning that he's always fancied me and wanted to sleep with me this past year but couldn't as he was so depressed but because we weren't talking that much, he couldn't tell me.

We've decided to get the local paper and see what sort of jobs are available. It was my idea because I mentioned someone I know got a job at the local supermarket delivering food and this man used to be in the building trade. So if he could do it, there's no reason why H couldn't at least try. H seemed fairly keen but very nervous about trying something different but I told him there's no harm in trying and if he doesn't want to go for it, then fine.

We had a good chat last night for how he feels and I told him he needs to get out more and suggested swimming. He only wants to do something with me but I told him I also need my own space and would love him to do something. So, he's going to think about going swimming on his own once a week.

Also, he texted a friend about going out for a beer.

It's little steps in the right direction I think. He also says he likes the new confident me and I'm not even finding it hard.

So quite positive at the moment.

[yogamad]

My sister came over yesterday and everybody was civil to each other, they chatted ok about this and that for about an hour then she left. I'm really relieved that the first meeting's over and she can pop over again whenever she likes (just her, not her partner to start with) and we're going to see how it goes.

H and I still getting on well, he told me he's falling in love with me all over again and I also feel the same.

Hope everyone had a good weekend :)

[Raymond]

Thats really good YM. I like the way you don't flatten or criticise him but encourage him into what is right and best for him. We have certainly seen the fruit of that on your threads. A lot of the truth of what he was thinking in the past is coming out and he really does fancy you. I see how you are encouraging a little independence which is good. I think he needs that and the confidence that goes with it. When a marriage is happy and secure it does enable one to make their mark on the world. Men aren't always strong but with a good wife they can be.

Raymond

[jellybean28]

So happy for the way things are working out for you Yoga.

Both you and your husband are pretty amazing!!!

Hugs Gillian :D

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond and Jellybean.

H is going out with a friend next Thursday, someone he's known for a long long time but has lost contact with. I suggested he text his friend and they've arranged a night out. I hope he enjoys it, I keep encouraging him, telling him that he needs to get out and see other people apart from me and our boys. I said if it goes well, there's another friend he's known for a long time that he's lost contact with, he could meet. He said he would if I helped him arrange it and I told him I would. So that's good.

I've arranged to meet someone from work who I'm quite chatty with over Christmas for a drink. The 'old' me probably wouldn't have had the courage to suggest getting together but the 'new' me suggested it. She has left her husband and moved into a flat and was telling me about her separation and I said I'll have to come over with a bottle of wine and she can tell me all about and she said she'd love me to come over.

I'm so much happier than I was six months ago. If I hadn't come across this forum and all the wonderful advice from everyone, I don't think I'd be where I am now.

H has been very low this week. He's actually signed on at Job Seekers which means we get some extra money each week but H is mortified that it's come to that, he's embarrassed but we need the money. We've been through lots of "where's my life going", "will I ever work again", "I just want to go to bed", etc, etc but I've listened to him and supported him which I have to admit I never would have done before but he would probably have shouted at me by now which is the biggest difference.

He always said that I couldn't talk to him but that I could talk to other people and I always told him it was because he put me down and shouted at me. I don't think he can believe how talkative I am now compared to before and it's all because he doesn't shout any more.

We going out tomorrow night for a couple of drinks to hopefully cheer him up.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Love Yoga
x

[Ageing Grace]

Have a brilliant weekend, Yoga :) Thank you so much for your updates.

Wishing you BOTH all the best, and whatever support you need when you need it.

xx

[Raymond]

You are doing amazing YM. Well done for encouraging him with this friend.

He does see things in a negative way sometimes. Of course he will work again. There is a recession on but you can still be positive. I am glad you are finding things better in yourself and your marriage.

I hope you can pass something on to your seperated friend.

Raymond

[Jenn]

Hi Yogamad:

Just wanted to drop a line and tell you that your story is inspiring me as I too have a VERY negative husband.

Sometimes it feels like I can't bear it anymore, but I guess alot of patience (resisting the urge to scream at him and walk out the door) and a positive attitidue (encouraging him) are what's needed.

Thanks for sharing.

Jen

[yogamad]

Hi everyone

H went out with his friend but he was home by 9 pm because he felt too anxious and just wanted to get home. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed just a few hours on my own and was really disappointed he came home so early. He said it was a major set back for him and he felt a lot worse for going out. I thought it would have the opposite effect on him and he'd come home feeling good but guess I was wrong.

It's still hard because his depression just seems to get worse and worse to be honest. He's applied for a few jobs (dental and others) but didn't get anywhere which can't have helped but I told him at least he's trying and he can't do any more than that. He signed on the dole for the first time yesterday so at least we should get some extra money coming in but he was mortified.

I'm coping ok, had a couple of down days last week but went out for a much needed drink with friends from work last night and feel a lot better today.

Hope you all have a good weekend.
Love Yoga
x

[Ageing Grace]

He signed on the dole for the first time yesterday so at least we should get some extra money coming in but he was mortified.

Oh, do I know how that feels!! He might be pleased to know that only 30% of 'middle class' people actually claim what they're entitled to - including me, until recently, as well as your husband. Madness. This is what we contributed to, just so people like us wouldn't starve :rolleyes:

I found a statement, which I was given on my redundancy, of how much I'd paid in during my working career. It was over a quarter of a million ... yet I was still holding back from claiming my £60 a week! Get him to look up some of the facts online, he'll soon be complaining about how little he gets. Rightly so, in my opinion :p

All the best, and stay on top.
AG x

[yogamad]

Thanks AG, I know what you mean. It took a bit of persuading on my part to get him to go but I think in the end he realised he was entitled to it as he'd been working ever since he left college 25 yrs ago.

The security on the door made him feel intimidated to start off with but I guess they have to deal with a lot of unsavoury characters there. But the staff were pleasant to him so I think he felt ok in the end.

H had a good weekend, the best he's had in ages (his words, not mine). Despite his setback on Thursday evening, we had a nice relaxed weekend so all's good in the Yoga household.

xxxxx

[Raymond]

!!!!!! :) !!!!!!!

[yogamad]

H and I not had a good weekend. We haven't argued but H's anxiety levels are high. He's got a job interview this Tuesday which I actually don't think he's ready for because he's so anxious all the time.

He said he knew it was going to be a bad weekend when I came home from work on Friday because of something I said, I don't know what it was, probably something to do with the mess I expect. We've just been up and down, both of us, one minute I feel fine, the next I feel really stressed. The main thing is we haven't argued or shouted at each other but it's been hard all the same.

For me, it's the mess. I can't understand how H can be home all day and I still come home to a mess. There's not one room in the house that's clean or tidy. I explained to my H that I find it hard to live like that. Normally I do housework before I go to work but I've had a cold all week and wasn't up to doing alot, I still went to work but came home exhausted. I know that when it comes to it, it's not the end of the world if the house is untidy but I've always found it hard to cope if it is.

H is still in bed and says he's going to stay there all day because he feels so anxious which I don't think is a good idea but I honestly haven't got it in me today to rally him around. I think I'll feel better once I've gone to work and have something else to think about. I finish work on Friday and have 2 weeks off for Christmas so looking forward to that, although it could be hard being at home all day so I will to arrange some 'me' time.

[jellybean28]

Oh your poor thing Yoga.

Like you I can't cope coming home to an untidy house, especially when you've been at work all day and not feeling well.

Could you maybe allow you H one room that he can let get messy and then shut the door on it when you get home so you don't have to worry about it as a compromise, and then he can make sure the rest of the house is tidy for when you get home. It can be an easy problem to solve with children but difficult to work out with an adult.

Make sure you're looking after yourself first, so you recover from your cold faster and it linger for to long.

Hope you feel better soon :)

[Raymond]

It is difficult for you coming home to an uncleaned house Yogamad. Obviously his moods got the better of him. The anxiousness about the job interview etc.

It is best not to criticise. I feel like that when I come home to a tip, but then I realise she is going though things which keeps her busy in other ways. I have to bite my lip rather than filling the air with negativity. We are always more critical of others when the thing is a strength we have. We have to be careful there.

You know your husband is normally good at housework, but to do it under compulsion in response to your moaning isn't the best way I feel. Keep believing the best and encourage him. Love covers a multitude of sins. He has good in him. Encouragement will bring it out.

Raymond

[ken94]

Yoga,

You're doing a great job. He is very lucky to have you !!!!
:-)
You care for him.

We married our partner for the best and the worst and now it is the worst so we have to help them in their hard time.

Continue the good work and it will pay off.

By the way did you ask the help of a professional because what your husband is going through isn't so unusual as they are other people who suffer these kind of isolation states and being afraid of the outside worl ?

Courage,

Ken

[ken94]

We are always more critical of others when the thing is a strength we have. We have to be careful there.

Words of wisdom, as ususal Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel better today, cold is better and I feel in a better mood all round. Took H out for a coffee and we had a chat and I think he feels better too. He's still anxious about his interview but hopefully he'll be ok.

When I went to work yesterday, my Headteacher gave me some champagne and chocs for Christmas so that really brightened my mood.

H's interview is at 6 pm this evening so he won't be home for a couple hrs cos it's quite a long drive there and back. I plan to put some music on, put on my Christmas lights and clear up the house. Not exactly exciting but I know I'll feel better once it's done.

Jellybean, H has the kitchen at the moment which is the worst room in the house for himself. He's supposed to be doing it up but with lack of money it's taking a long time. I've got floorboards, fridge in the middle of the room, he's taking everything down and just throwing it away, including our table. We're eating on the coffee table in the living room at the moment. He said yesterday he was going to take down and throw away the cupboards even tho they were brand new 5 yrs ago. I told him I'd chop off his dangly bits with a blunt instrument if I came home and he'd done that and I he must've known I meant it because the cupboards are still there. So, that's 'his' room, I'm going to concentrate on the rest of the house.

Raymond, apart from a little bit of criticism which I apologised about I have been really patient with him and encourage him as much as I can. He knows I'm doing as much as I can and I know he appreciates what I'm doing.

Ken, H has had counselling in the past and been on tablets but yet he's still back at square one so I'm trying to persuade him to find out what's bothering him and trying to put it right.

I'm glad we're coming up to a new year, a new beginning for us hopefully, so we can put the past behind us.

Thanks again for your advice, you don't know how much it has helped me this past year.

Luv Yoga
x

[jellybean28]

The kitchen Yoga, how patient you are! I couldn't handle that as well as you are. I must say you made me laugh about cutting off his dangly bits if he threw out your cupboards, funny the effect that has on men lol.:D

So nice you are planning to make the house nice for when H gets back from interview. Hope all goes well for him.

Glad your cold is better.

[Raymond]

I know you are really patient and encourage him Yogamad. Well done for apologising. You are and will be bringing the best out of him.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Well his interview has been postponed until Saturday morning now which is a shame as it would've been good to get it over and done with. So I didn't get to grips with the house as H was still here but I'm going to tackle it in a minute as I don't start work til 12.

Do you remember I said we were looking into getting dance lessons? Well the teacher rang last night to confirm we can definitely start in January and we're both looking forward to it. I think it will do H good to get a bit more exercise, although he still does his cycling but not a lot else really. We plan to go on a couple of walks over the Christmas holidays too.

I feel a lot more positive today, only 3 more days left at work. H is taking me out on Saturday night for a few drinks and I treated myself to a new outfit. The boys finish school/college on Friday too so looking forward to spending some time with them over the holidays too.

Thanks again for your replies Jellybean and Raymond.

[Raymond]

You seem to have a life Yoga. I hope the interview goes well and your Christmas activities. I will be doing tennis and swimming with my brother and perhaps my sons over Christmas. Maybe my wife will join in the swimming part. All of us will have long walks, but there will also be loads of board games as my eldest son's new wife seem to be a board game fanatic.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Thanks Raymond, I hope you have a good Christmas too. My younger son still likes board games so I'll definitely play some games with him. Got to get out for some fresh air though or I'll go mad I think.

Just when you think things are picking up, the car broke down last night and won't start this morning. We've got two cars so going to leave getting it fixed until after Christmas when we can see what money we've got.

I'll keep smiling :0)