Mother & Wife Battles

[Braveheart2009]

Hi,

My wife never says it in the open, but she openly doesn't like my mother her ways, her methods, her traditional thinking. My wife always tells me moans and groans about my mother, which hurts me dearly. I love my parents so much and especially my wife saying that it the most painful thing to contain. I am considering moving out to less the tension in the home.

Any solutions to this? Do you think if I said to my wife not to talk to my mum in a bad way any more regardless of what you don't like about my mother?

[Ageing Grace]

It's very difficult to do the right thing in a situation like this, Braveheart.

Almost all of us have massive blind spots when it comes to our immediate family, especially our mothers.

The conflict is between your wife and your mum - it's very hard for you, as it's impossible to be unbiased. And it's almost certain that you're not getting the whole picture about what the tensions are. Crazy to even try, some would say!

For your wife's sake, the kindest thing you can do is to listen to how she FEELS about it. Not just a list of "your mum did this, she said that", but also what your wife's emotional responses are.

For example, mothers-in-law (not just your mum!) are often extremely good at making their sons' wives feel: inadequate; pointless; unwelcome; stupid; like a servant; like a nag; in the way ... and so on.

It's not at all rational, and most mothers don't even realise they're doing it. It comes from age-old instincts and, to be honest, there's rarely very much anyone can do to change it.

When I say it's not rational, here's something my first husband's mum once told me:
"I can give him everything you can give him, except sex" :eek:
How do you answer that?? You can't!

Simply validating your wife's feelings by listening to them, and being sympathetic towards her, will probably ease the tension if not resolve the issue.

Good luck :)
AG

[Raymond]

I think she should not keep saying bad things about your mother. If your mother is hurting her that is something else, but just running her down like that isn't healthy in my view. I think she should be looking for nice things she can say about her instead of the negative all the time. There must be some nice things she can say. We all have our good points and bad points.

Raymond

[Braveheart2009]

It's very difficult to do the right thing in a situation like this, Braveheart.

Almost all of us have massive blind spots when it comes to our immediate family, especially our mothers.

The conflict is between your wife and your mum - it's very hard for you, as it's impossible to be unbiased. And it's almost certain that you're not getting the whole picture about what the tensions are. Crazy to even try, some would say!

For your wife's sake, the kindest thing you can do is to listen to how she FEELS about it. Not just a list of "your mum did this, she said that", but also what your wife's emotional responses are.

For example, mothers-in-law (not just your mum!) are often extremely good at making their sons' wives feel: inadequate; pointless; unwelcome; stupid; like a servant; like a nag; in the way ... and so on.

It's not at all rational, and most mothers don't even realise they're doing it. It comes from age-old instincts and, to be honest, there's rarely very much anyone can do to change it.

When I say it's not rational, here's something my first husband's mum once told me:
"I can give him everything you can give him, except sex" :eek:
How do you answer that?? You can't!

Simply validating your wife's feelings by listening to them, and being sympathetic towards her, will probably ease the tension if not resolve the issue.

Good luck :)
AG

I think there is things I can do about it to make the situation better, but I need to make a firm stand. For too long she has been saying this and that about my mum and she doesn't see her in a positive light. I bet if I mouthed her parents off she would rebel and say don't talk about my parents in that manner. I do agree with you I have to listen to my wife's feelings however it tells me allot about the character, temper of my wife. I have worked with allot of types of people old and young and there are some people when you give them so much abuse they take it easy and calm and shrug it off and don't let things get to them. They learn to ignore and move on with things. I have adopted this attitude as I believe it will benefit me rather than rebelling all the time and gaining revenge.

I think she should not keep saying bad things about your mother. If your mother is hurting her that is something else, but just running her down like that isn't healthy in my view. I think she should be looking for nice things she can say about her instead of the negative all the time. There must be some nice things she can say. We all have our good points and bad points.

Raymond

I agree with you. Even when she is joking about my mother I feel she is insulting her. I don't have any solutions but to move out.

[Raymond]

I don't think moving out is a solution although I do think she should honour your mother. Point blank condemnation is one thing but sorting out a problem is another.

Could you ask her to be specific as to what the problem is without being negative? She may not hit it off with her but that doesn't justify her running her down. That is just unfair if it is that. It is alright to judge an action but to condemn a person is something else.

Raymond

[huting]

Have u told your wife how u r feeling regarding her bad mouthing your mother. I know u shouldn't have to but u need to tell her that u don't like it and she shouls stop

It does bring 1 question to my mind though, does your mother interfere a lot or always blame ur wife for things?? If my husband is ill his mom says he's run down, or if he loses weight, he's not being fed, I'm constantly being criticised,is this what's happening here?

Alternatively have a talk to your wife about y she dislikes ur mother and try and get them to talk it through

[tishtash]

Maybe your wife is jealous of your devotion to your Mum, and does this to hurt you. Maybe as said below she feels inadequate in your mothers eyes, do you ever compare your wifes actions etc to those of your Mother?
I think the main problem lies with your wife seeing your Mother as competition. This can sound ridiculous but I can, on a small level understand this, my husband would compare and criticize things I did.
I truly don't think its your Mother she dislikes rather your relationship with your mother.

I forgot to ask, How does your Mother feel about your Wife? do they get on?

[Braveheart2009]

I don't think moving out is a solution although I do think she should honour your mother. Point blank condemnation is one thing but sorting out a problem is another.

Could you ask her to be specific as to what the problem is without being negative? She may not hit it off with her but that doesn't justify her running her down. That is just unfair if it is that. It is alright to judge an action but to condemn a person is something else.

Raymond

I do feel moving out will decrease the tension there is between my mum and wife, however in the long run I agree with you. I think despite her conflict of intrest she shouldnt speak bad issues to me only good things as this is having a bad effect she speaks of my mother as if she is so backward.

I will add more later.

[Ageing Grace]

I do feel moving out will decrease the tension there is between my mum and wife

It may not have been clear to your other respondents, Braveheart, that you live with your parents in your family home.

I appreciate that you're having a hard time adjusting to your marriage - and your wife is surely far from perfect, like most people. I do think, however, that you need to cut her a bit more slack.

She's showing courage & resourcefulness in creating a new life, thousands of miles from home. It's difficult for anyone to start married life with the in-laws, how much harder must it be when you've left your home country to do so? She's got a new life, a new marriage, a new country AND a new family to fit in with! In her position, I'd feel very lost and maybe even wonder what value I had in all of this ...

My guess is that, despite your quite understandable frustrations, you'll find that lavishing attention, interest & care on your wife will pay tremendous dividends :)

When you say you're considering moving out, did you mean the both of you finding a place to yourselves?

Cheers,
AG x

[huting]

ageing grace how good are you, i wasnt even aware of that, this will put an enormous amount of pressure on both of you as individuals and as a married couple (living with parents, in laws)

maybe the best step would be to move out and live together as a married couple, i understand that finances play a big part but if this is an issue then there is lots of help now that you can get.

take it from there, that may be a good way forward, start from there x

[Raymond]

I didn't realise that either AG. Now I can understand the tension. I agree with Huting. You should set up on your own with your wife if you can. You and her are now a seperate entity from your parents and this has to be expressed. You have to be who you are with her and put her first.

Once you do this you will probably find the tension eases tremendously and maybe even some goodwill from her to your mother. I think this is important even if you have to apply for public housing.

Raymond