don't know what to do !!!

[Helpless]

About 5 weeks ago I found out my partner of 21yrs had been having an affair with a 28yr old single mum. Someone sent me an email teling me , he denied it at first, but then eventually said he had been seeing her for about 7mths but swore he hadnt slept with her. I couldnt believe it, my world fell apart. He had been saying he felt depressed for the last couple of months and kept thinking was this his life for ever. We have a lovely home, car, no financial worries, 3 holidays a year and he has no pressure as I am the main breadwinner. Our 2 kids were there when I found out, my daughter 24 ( he has raised her up) was screaming at him to go and our 14 yr old son, who I thought was his world was sobbing heartbroken. He was crying saying he was sorry and asked if he could stay I said no get out and go to her (in complete rage) He left , but our son was so bad I asked him to come back to talk to him. We sat up talking all night and he said he had been unhappy, I was always busy with work (pardon me) and she made him feel special and important. I felt so helpless ,in the morning he said he didnt want to be with me and he was leaving. I said I didnt want him to stay if he felt that way and he left. My daughter took my son out for the day so he wasnt there when he left, he rang later and said "Is that it then" i said he had said he didnt want to be with me, he said he wanted to come and tell our son himself when he got back he was leaving. He came and told my son, who was inconsoloble and then he left. I was physically sick, but I had to keep it together for the kids. I texted him at 5am when i heard our son sobbing and said how could you do this to us, he didnt reply. At about 9.30am he rang and said he had been awake all night and he realised how much he loved us all and asked if he could come back, i said yes. He came back and we cried all day, I couldnt go to work I was a wreck, whilst we were talking she texted him saying call me. I texted her back and told her to leave us alone we were making a go of it (and some stronger words) she then kept texting sayin he had told her he loved her and they had been seeing each other for 12 mths and they had slept together!!! He evntually admitted all but sid it wasnt 12 mths it was on and off. We both stayed off for the week and worked through it, many tears and a few hurtful words from me, but we were like we were when we first met, totally in love and I could see it in his eyes. He kept saying that the shame was eating him up and he didnt want to face anyone. Things were goin ok he didnt go to work (he is a taxi driver thats how they met) stayed at home doing things with our son, DIY etc and we were getting there. Things were getting better, we couldnt keep our hands off each other, it was like when we first met. Then about 2 weeks ago he went back to work, i couldn't settle, kept ringing him, questioning him, he said it was expected, but as the days passed he started to get distant again. I was convinced he had been back but he swore he hadnt (and i dont think he has) , but he said she had asked his friend to pass on a message for him not to call as she was seeing someone (lie) she was doing it to upset things (and it worked) I asked him why he had gone distant again and he said he was feeling depressed again and was thinking of leaving. I was devastated, I thought things were going well, he said I was doing his head in talking about it all the time, I said it was hard for me too as I was the one who had to deal with his betrayal!!!! I said i couldnt believe he was thinking of putting us through that again (I have lost over a stone) He has always been a loving, doting partner, so unselfish, he sadi he wanted to put himself firts for a change. I was crying really bad by now but he had gone back to that cold person, someone I didnt recognise, he was like he was posessed. He did go to the doctor with his depression (before i found out) but she wouldnt give him anything. I dont know if he is having a mid life crisis or what? He has now said he wants to stay and try and work things out but I cant eat with the worry of him going. I am constantly holding him (i must be doing his head him) but he is so distant. We have been going out together every weekend and he is only working days through the week. He has said he is going to try and get another job (not easy though)I feel like I am going mad. It is like he doesnt want to look at me and we havnet made love for over 2 weeks now. I am always thinking about it and my work is suffering (I dont know what I'd do if he left) I have always been the strong one, who has sorted things. My son watches us both like hawks and was crying the other day when he was saying he was fed up he said "has he been back to her or is he going to" I just dont know what to do. Sorry for going on but writing it down has helped as I havent told anyone all of the details, I am dreading tomorrow as we both have to go to work and i dont think i can cope, i just dont know what to do :(

[nix192]

hi
i am so sorry you have been through all this but as you will find there are plenty of people on hear that have been through similar experiences.i myself was together with my husband for 21 years,he left me and our children a year ago but we were still talking,texting allthe time and i thought we would be ok(he left 8 times before and always came back).

so about 6 weeks ago i found out he had been seeing someone for the last 7 months,i was deverstated.then he told me he was moving 4 hours away to live with her.

a couple of weeks ago he said he was confused and finished with her nd to tell the kids hes not going now.we were talking about what it would belike to get back together etc,then 3 dys later hes back with her and moving again.

well he moved there on friday and ive been through so many emotions i feel like im going mad.but ive realised ive got to except he dosent want me anymore,he wnts her.

i do hope you work things out,and do feel for you but whatever happens you WILL be ok.perhaps he needs some space to work out his feelings and then may realise how muyou all mean to him.keep your chin up,you will get through this.xx

[Helpless]

Thanks for your reply and I am sorry for your situation, you wonder how someone you have loved for so long could put you through something like this.

I have decided I am going to back off with sitting by him so much as I know it is making him uncomfortable. He has said he does really love me and he wants it to work but i obviously feels so insecure and I want him to keep telling me all the time. He is 10 yrs younger than me, making her 23yrs younger than me (dont think that helps) but my imagination is torturing me at the moment as I keep thinking about what might happen. I know i need to stop but he has been the only one in my life for the last 21yrs.

[nix192]

i think your right to back of a bit,as he may think twice if you act like your not botherd.i know its hard but that is what im trying to do and in the mean time try working on yourself as i am,then if things dont work out at least you have a more sane outlook.i know i will be ok and you will get there,you have to realise you can get by without him.it hurts so much but theres nothing worse than feeling like you need him so much that you cant survive without him.

[Susan Strict]

This is going to sound very trite and basic, but what you have to do is to pray about it.

There's an answer that's right for you - but realistically you and God are the only ones who know the right answer. You can't find it right now, because you're confused and you're hurting. If the answer doesn't come to you from prayer itself, then at the very least you WILL find that praying about it helps to clear your mind and clarify your thoughts and what you want and need to do.
Consider all your options. Consider the options that don't seem like options. In the end, it comes down to four: You leave. He leaves. You work it out between you and start again. You live with it.
It's the detail of those options that's complicated.

Good luck.

Oh, and get a few other people to pray too. It works. Suprisingly often. I'll do it.

Susan

[katharine2712]

im so sorry to hear your going through such a bad time. im 4 weeks into my own separation and no how very painfull it is i feel im going mad at the moment feeling lots of different emotions in one day its unbelievable that the one person who loves us could do this to us , at least yours is still with you and wants to stay . i think you must back off now and give him space very hard i no but i would love to have had the chance to work it out with my h but he went and hasnt come back except for clothes and i dont no how to be anymore my life is a standstill im trying to cope but cant . so keep strong and give it all you got make him realise what he got. for yourself and children be strong. great words from me who not doing to well myself but you still have hope with him good luck keep postingxxx

[Helpless]

Thanks for your replies. I know i have to give him space and I am trying. I wake up each morning and my mouth is dry and I still cant eat as I Know he is acting the same as he was just before he left. I keep saying to myself at least he is still here and trying but i want him to be like he was when he first realised what he had nearly lost, but obviously that is beyond my control. I am going to work in a minute and so is he and I am going to try not to phone him every hour to check where he is. I am finding this site a comfort, it helps to talk to people who really understand how you are feeling.

[Helpless]

Well I made it through until 12.15 before calling but he he was still quite stand offish, I then texted him to say sorry about calling all the time and he texted back saying "what are you going on about now". She lives where he works and i am obsessed with the fact that he is going to see her. I know I need to stop it but i cant, it is making me ill and i feel i have lost all control of my life.:(

[j92cool]

Hi helpless.

I am sorry that you have the need to visit this site. My ex left 6 months ago now after 27 years of marriage and 2 children. The support i received here has been a tremendous help to me and I am sure went a long way to keeping my sanity.

Your H should be doing everything he can to put you at ease. He is the one that strayed and should be understanding of your need to check up on him. He has broken your trust and it will take time to repair the damage to your marraige. Is he making an effort. If he has not then I think you have a good reason to question him.

I gave my ex a second chance but he made no effort and slipped back into his old ways. I do hope things work out for you.

Keep posting it really does help.

[Helpless]

Thanks J92Cool when I first took him back he was distraught, he kept asking me all the time are you ok, he was reassuring me it wouldnt happen again, but all that changed when the Thing sent a message to him saying she was seeing someone else. he did'nt tell me this at first, only when i kept saying i knew something was up. He said at first it didnt bother him but he then admitted he was thinking he wanted to be with her. Thing is he did'nt even have a real relationship with her. He would sneak there for a couple of hours of a day and a few hours of a night at the weekend when he was supposed to be working. It wasnt a real situation, just a fantasy. He says he still wants to be with me but he has gone back to the snappy cold person he become, just before I found out (was always so kind and loving before) Now if I say anything he's says i am doing his head in, well his head should be done in becasue mine is. I can actually feel the blood running through my veins thats how stressed i feel. I have a high powered , stressful job (at least if he leaves i wont have any financial problems) which is suffering, but he just keeps saying I'm being stupid and I'm still here aren't I. Well he may be in body but his mind is elswhere.

[jkk]

hi

on the internet somewhere, there is information on the tricks "the other person" tries to entice another back into a relationship (forewarned is forearmed), and info on how end an affair. If a person knows what to expect, it is much easier to recognise these tactics, and how to deal with them.

I'm sure some of the people can recommend suitable reading and internet sites. Perhaps the book "after the affair", would be good.

The effects of an affair can last for months, and your H might be suffering from the withdrawal effects - depression etc. It's grim when you've been the on the receiving end, and then have to start understanding the dynamics of relationships/affairs, and treating them with kid gloves, when you really want to kick them in the B...S.

[Helpless]

Thanks JKK i will check them out. i have to say I feel much better now though. I was in a high profile meeting today, going through some of my recent achievements in work and afterwards i thought , cheeky B******D why I am walking around on eggshells, he's getting told. So I went shoping on the way home and as we were putting it away i said to him "I feel much better today I've been thinking about things, why should I be creeping around you when your the one whose done wrong, and do you know what even if you leave yours is the life that will change for the worse, I'll still have the Kids, the house (paid off in 5yrs) the car, top of the range Lexus, so Ka sara sara. He just looked at me. I was so matter of fact about it and i felt great. His body language changed, I then left him to cook the tea whilst i came up here on this. It may not last, but hey I feel great at the minute:)

[nix192]

well done keep it up,it might be what he needs to realise your not going to take anymore rubbish from him.i hope you keep strong and it all works out for you.im feeling really fed up today had to go to the doctors and when i came out i cried because i really wanted my husband,how sd am i.lol.

[Helpless]

Sorry your feeling so low today Nix192 it is obviously easier for me because he is still here. I hate the fact that someone else can have so much power over our emotions. You have to try and be strong and think about you.

I have to say though thinking about the positives does help and i supppose the fact that I am totally fiancially independent from him, makes me feel strong. Tonight i played it really cool and went into the lounge to watch waking the dead (which i had recorded) he came in and watched it with me, he normally stays in the back room and watches TV in there. I didnt go near him , I laid on the couch one end and he sat at the other and then he started stroking my feet. I didnt react I just kept it cool and then when the programme finished I got up and said goodnight I'm going to bed. He followed me up and gave me a kiss (only a peck) but he looks a bit brighter and i feel better. However I have to get through tomorrow day , thinking he is with her, but we'll see. I hope I can keep it up. but i honestly didnt feel like clinging to him like i have been.

[j92cool]

Good on you Helpless. (I think you might need to change your user name as you are anything but helpless LOL) Put him in his place. He is lucky you have let him stay and it is high time he realised that. He should be bending over backwards to please you. You did nothing wrong and trusted your partner to do the right thing.

No need to go over board with power just keep doing what you are doing and stay firm. I have nothing but admiration for you. Keep up the excellant work. A big pat on the back for you.

Big hugs

[Helpless]

Ive had a bit of a wobble today as I am not well (ive had an awful cough for weeks) and it made me feel low. I started clinging to him again wanting to keep him close but i know it makes him feel akward (he was much brighter when i was playing it cool) . I told him I knew he didnt like it and I wanted to know why. He said he felt so guilty and ashamed at what he had done that it didnt feel right for me to be like that. I told him it made me feel like he didnt want to be with me and I said that if that was the case then he should leave because i dont want him to stay out of pity or guilt. He assured me he wants to stay because he loves me but it is so hard because my imagination wont stop playing various scenarios over and over in my head. I made a deal with him, I will not crowd him all the time as long as he initiates some cuddles now and then. He agreed so lets see what tomorrow brings.

[Helpless]

I am feeling extremly down today. It is like he doesnt want to be anywhere near me. i am trying to keep my distance but I am aching to be close to him but it is as though he avoids any contact with me. I do not know if this is normal or if he is longing to be with her (thats what I keep thinking) he has just gone to work and he doesnt even get dressed in front of me, when he gets out of the shower, he came out of the en suite and got dressed on the landing ???. It feels so strange, as for the first 3 weeks after I found out we were so close. He just asked me was i alright and i said no how can i be alright after what has happened and he just looked, gave me a peck on the cheek and left. I am being really strong but the fear is eating me up inside. I dont know if we will ever be close again, I know they say it takes time, but I keep thinking the worst, that he is going to leave next time he sees her and she gives him the nod it is ok.

[Helpless]

I had a really bad night last night. We went to a friends party and I had too much to drink. When we got home he did his usual get in bed and turn his back on me, well I went ballistic. I was shouting, and screaming , and cryining , he ended up sleeping in another room. I know I should give him space but i cant bear the thought of him wanting to be with her. I think I would rather he just went , if thats what he wants instead of putting me through this torture. How long am I supposed to back off for. i feel like I am going insane.

[Ageing Grace]

You're not insane, Helpless, you're distressed and hung over (okay, that feels like insanity but it's not :p )

Excuse yourself for being drunk, excuse yourself for being sad. Have a long bath and watch something dumb on TV. Tomorrow's another day - and, whatever it's like, at least you won't be dealing with a sore head and tummy.

I hope you enjoyed getting the hangover!

Love, AG.

[huting]

you need to talk to him and tell him that you are scared at rhe moment that he doesnt want you and that you fear he will go back to her...then you need to explain to him that you need his cuddles and reassurance at the moment if it is to get easier/better. the clingyness is normal,trust me im still going through this phase at the moment.

ask him why he doesnt undress infront of you anymore and why he turns his back on you in bed?? it sounds like he is closing his self off from you (avoidance), this may be due to the guilt he feels.

have a discussion without bringing the ow up or throwing it in his face. just a casual talk, ask him how hes feeling. how you can both move on

you need to stop torturing yourself and thinking about the 2 of them, trust me its not helping, makes it worse and you will never get over it. start forgiving him, build new memories up of the two of you, instead the two of them.

if you love him and want to stay together then you are going to have to try and forget, at least not keep mentioning it. i know this is hard but it will get better in time.

[Helpless]

Thanks for both your replies. Ageing Grace I feel awful today, both with what I said and did and with the hangover.

Huting I have tried to tell him how I feel , but he says he is hurting with the guilt. He keeps saying he is hurting (good) i am going through an angry stage now and its not good. We've just had another row as he said he was going to work when he had promised not to work Sunday nights anymore. I told him I cant handle it as he works in the area that she lives in. He said he wants to go and have a normal conversation with people (made me feel good) He has just said to me if I stay in you stay away from me doing my head in as He cant take much more. I feel so angry at him (and at myself for becoming weaker whan i was getting strong) and i know i should back off but then I think why should I after what he has done. I just hope tomorrow is a better day, I am so glad i can talk on here as I do not have anyone close enough to tell this to.

[huting]

He's not being fair to you, you are understandable upset,and his guilt is of his own doing not yours. He should be the 1 bending over backwards to accomodat you after all he was in the wrong,however this doesn't seem likely.and by u keep bringing it up every waking minutw will only drive him closer to the ow.

U need to do something when he goes out,read or watch something,hobby to take your mind off him. You won't be able to move on if you keep thinking about it,that is the only thing that will save your marriage now is to move on. Yes this will be hard as trust as gone, but u need to make a choice now while you still have a say. Stay together or break up. It really is that simple. If u choose to stay together then u have to let it go.

I'm sorry if I seem unfeeling but it is only because I have been there and I had to realise these things pretty quick if I wanted to keep my husband.

Go out together,cook a nice dinner,wear something nice, put make up on, watch a film together. Just the 2 of u. Stop thinkinh about them he's with u, so now take back what's yours and get your marriage back on track

Hugs and I hope your hangover has subsided,drink lots of water xxx

You will have your good days and bad days but it will get better xxxx

[Ageing Grace]

Helpless, I know I sound like a stuck record but you HAVE to focus on your self, to get past this in any way at all.

Thinking about (imagining, fearing, mistrusting, etc) what he's doing or even what he's feeling will only drive you to distraction. Take care of yourself. You cannot live someone else's life, but you can live your own. How long is it since you loved yourself as much as you deserve?

Everyone here has posted good advice: do what makes YOU feel like the GOOD you :)
Swanky baths, pretty clothes, new makeup, fresh hair, a college course, delicious meals, wasted girly nights, things that make you laugh, an exercise class, a forgotten interest ...

Take care of you. The rest will follow.

Good luck, and god speed
AG

[Helpless]

Hi Just thought I'd give an update.

I have been a bit stronger over the last few days and once again backed off and kept my distance (not clinging or kissing him) He does seem a bit brighter however he is still not wanting much contact, but I do believe he hasnt been near her (and he says he won't) so I guess I just need to be patient and hope things get better. I think I wanted things to be ok too soon and i suppose thats not realistic. We are talking more, about things in general, but i just hope i can keep feeling like this and not turn into the frail , crying wimp that I detest, never mind him.

[jkk]

Hi,

it is written that sometimes after an A finishes, people can go through a sort of grieving period, with depression, anxiety etc, and that they can really miss the o/p. This can happen regardless of their wish to stay and work on their marriage. It can take months for the 'fog' to finally lift, and they 'really' understand what has happened, and start behaving committed towards you and the marriage.

I had months of anguish, 3 months of shouting, screaming, making up with my H, - and with the o/w doing everything in her power to break us up. A further 5 months before my H started to 'really' behave 'committed', and to start building a new relationship with me.

I had counselling on my own, H wouldn't go. Oddly, one of his problems was he couldn't understand/comprehend why it wasn't the end of our marriage, and he expected me to try and get my own back.

got to go,

jkk

[Helpless]

Funny you should say that jkk but he has said to me now he worrys that i might go out and do something with someone out of revenge. I am usually the outgoing , strong one in our relationship and I am trying to regain that stance. I think your right about what he is going through. I think the OW provided him with respite and a santuary from our problems at the time and given it was mostly pleasant whilst he was with her why wouldnt he miss that, it still kills me though to even think about it. :(

[Helpless]

Well he has finally been honest and he has left. I was in work today and i got a really weird feeling, I drove up to where he works and phoned him and asked him where he was. He said he was were i was parked, i told him i was there and he admited he had just been with the OW. He said she had drove past and stopped and asked him why he had not been near Etc etc. He told me he was still unhappy at home and he wanted to leave although he said he didnt want to be with her. We drove home and talked and he said he felt the same as when he started the affair. He said he wanted to live on his own and see what it is like. I was distraught at first and then i said you know what i think your right. Go and see as I dont think i can put up with this anymore. he waited for my son to come home, told him and then left.How could he do this all over again.

[Helpless]

My daughter has come home to be with me, i feel numb again, we had 3 weeks were we were really happy together and 4 weeks then when he went back to work and he went back into himself. I dont think i could let him back now even if he asked as i cant keep going through this.

[huting]

i am so sorry helpless. i dont know why men do it, or why they dont seem to care, especially after how many years we devote to the relationship, but at least you finally know, no more sitting around fretting about what hes doing. at least now you may be able to move on, knowing where you stand.

maybe he will come back and it will be better then before because he misses you and has made a mistake and is trully sorry, if not then it sounds like your better off without him, i know you wont want to hear that but you deserve to be loved as much as you love.you deserve to be trully happy. you only get 1 life.

[huting]

ok so you probably will still sit around fretting, probably more so now, we seem to do that to ourselves dont we, torment. there is nothing you can do or could have done to stop this, it is not your decision, it is your husbands. and sooner or later he will realise that it was a stupid one but for now focus on being you again. it hurts of course it does but it sounds like you have a great support system around you including us to help you through.

this may be a good thing, as 1 door closes another one opens, like i said you deserve to be loved whole heartedly and now maybe you can find that. and im a firm beiever in karma, so what goes around comes around

[Ageing Grace]

Oh, Helpless. Poor you.

Huting is right, you know, you do deserve better.

Glad your daughter is with you. Hugs.
AG

[Helpless]

Thanks everyone this site really does help. He's only been gone 3 hours and I'm a wreck again. I was strong while he was here though which I was glad about. He said he needs to go to see if that is what he really wants because if he didnt try he would always be thinking he should have done it. He was sobbing when he left and i said well you need to be happy and i hope you find what your looking for. He even asked if he could stay whilst he looked for somewhere to stay I said no chance, if your going your going now. I was proud of how I handled it and i am going to continue to be strong around him and as you all say if he doesnt realise well I will have to move on, It just feels like I will die at the minute though :(

[huting]

its all raw and new so it is going to hurt, you will go through phases, angry at him, then really sad to wanting him back to hating him. its normal and you have every right to be upset, let it all out, cry, shout and then watch something funny, go out with a friend and laugh.

dont text or phone him, let im do all the running, either way your in control. i love that strength in you about telling him that if hes going to go then he should go now, i love it, well done, keep that itl be useful now.

always remeber your not alone and the thing you need to think of is people in worse situations, dying etc, really puts things into perspective, not saying that what you are going through isnt important or sad but theres always someone worse off than you, i dont know if that helps or not but chin up.

him crying is a good sign right? i mean at least that has gotto say he cares, a man showing emotion, thats a new 1 on me!

[Helpless]

Thanks Huting knowing I can talk on here helps. He has always been really emotional and caring thats why i cant believe how cold he went. He has just called our son and he started crying i said whats up and he said my dad was crying, didnt ask about me, I am dying to call him but no way will I. I Hope he realises soon or he may be too late!!!

[katharine2712]

im so sorry helpless i understand how you feel so much . be strong and keep posting its a life saver for me . i still feel so lonely and im going through all the emotions huting mentioned. my h cried too and asked to stay till he found somewhere i said no but sometimes wondered should i have said yes maybe i cld have done something to make him stay. thinking of you xx

[jkk]

Hi, i do feel for you,

last year, 8 weeks after i had discovered the affair, i found out my H had seen the o/w again (she too had been driving pass our house), i packed his stuff and dumped it on her doorstep. However, a few hours later he came round and we talked, then we both went round and collected his stuff - o/w was distraught!

The following day she phoned me to wanting 'spill the beans'. We met, she was furious with my H, but she still tried her best to destroy what was left of our marriage. She told me everything - plus a few lies, and tried to get me to throw him out again. 10 days later, she phoned him, but i answered, i wrote her a lovely letter, and delivered it myself.

Life was hell for a time, at times H seemed to mope around. A few months later i put a GPS tracker in his car and discovered he had been driving around her place - but had kept out of view, she couldn't have seen his car. I told him i knew and asked if he was stalking her!
About 4 weeks later, i told him i'd had enough of him seemingly not able to committed properly to our marriage. Something seemed to have died in me. Over the following few weeks he began to change within himself.

In all in took about 9 months.

My thoughts are with you, try and keep strong.

[Helpless]

Well i didnt sleep much last night, but I haven't called or texted him. I have that sickly feeling in my stomach and I dont know if I can cope. i am dreading Monday when I have to go to work, but I know deep down I must try and be brave and carry on. I have breast screening next week (family history) he said he was going to stay with me until after that (big of him) as last year i had a bit of a scare with a call back. My eldest son is also in hospital as he has fits (my H told me that after he said he was leaving) so I have to go there today and visit him. I wish i didnt feel so helpless in all this and i feel alone even though I have my kids around me, I suppose because i cant burden them with how I really feel.

[j92cool]

Helpless I can feel your pain from here and I am so sorry that you are going through this. At least you know where you stand now. You seemed to be walking on egg shells around him and you can only do that for so long. I know I have been there too. They should be bending over backwards to regain our trust and yet we are ony ones making the effort.

I know whenever I mentioned my STBX's first internet affair he would get angry and state "are you going to keep throwing that me you need to get over it". He was showing no remorse and I let him off too easily. In hindsight I should have stuck to my guns and thrown him out the first time. I had him packed up ready to go but he begged and pleaded that he loved me and my son wanted him to stay so I gave in and let him stay. I was living a lie for over 12 months and it did me no good at all. I was despressed and was overeating for comfort. I think I knew it wasn't working but didn't have the strength to move on. My self esteem was at an all time low.

Now you can start to look after you and your kids. Stuff him, stuff him, stuff him. He has made your life a misery recently and you need to look after number one YOU. He will get what he deserves. I kow you are hurting terribly now but it really will get better. Just take it minute by minute, then hour by hour next thing you know you will have days of happiness.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to do whatever you need to get through this. Cry, rant, rave whatever you need. I wish I could give you a big hug. I know how hard it is but it will get better.

Keep posting. It has been 6 months for me and I have come such a long way and you will too. It just takes time.

Big hugs. (it is the hugs that I miss most).

[Sugarplum]

Big hugs. (it is the hugs that I miss most)

Me too j92cool.....The lack of those loving man hugs from a H who used to be my world make me feel so alone and unloved.
I know my kids and other family members love me and hug me and I'm grateful for them but the feel of his arms around me made me feel so loved, safe and protected. I feel so sad.

[Helpless]

Well he texted me today and said "can i come and collect some clothes, i wont ask how you are as thats just silly, sorry xxx" i texted back and said of course you can come and actually im fine, now i know the truth and that you want to leave im fine i will have to move on. When he came he looked awful, he started to cry and i said why are you crying come on be brave this is what you wanted. He hugged me and asked if he could get a shave and a shower, i said ok. He then held me really tight. He said could he come back tomorrow for his clothes, i said ok, kissed him on the cheek and he left. He then texted me tonight about a trivial matter, i just replied playn it cool. I then had to call him and ask him to do me a favour as my eldest son who is in hospital went missing off the ward. He found him and brought him back to the hospital. He then called around, i made him tea and he said he was extremely unhappy but he was relieved he had told me he wants to live on his own (he is staying with his nephew) I am confused as he is so upset and miserable but has chosen this. Could it be he is missing the OW who he thinks has a new BF? i just dont know anymore. He has just texted me saying goodnight xxxx Whats Going on????

[jkk]

Hi - it's the old 'i've got a new boyfriend trick' - from the o/w, made to inspire further grief and disruption/confusion to your H, and make him jealous!

hope your kids are ok. Try to stay strong, eat, sleep, and exercise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel - it just takes time for you to see it!

[Helpless]

well she might think twice now as I went to her house the other day and let her have it. I called her a home wrecking tramp and shouted all over the street "you knew he was married from the off so why get involved" i told her he had just told me that she had pulled up next to his taxi and questioned him, she looked shocked and never opened her mouth. I told her to back off while we are trying to work things out. My H niece has also sent her a message on facebook saying stay away from him home wrecker, lets hope this puts a halt to her pursuit as she sought him out from the begining (i know its not all her fault he went there) turning up everywhere he was. He texted me this morning (i was in the hospital, my son had a bad night) he said why didnt you ring me i said i thought you may of been asleep, he said I cant sleep. He called around and made our sons breakfast.He then called and asked if he could call around later and i said ok. I was going to say dont come but then i thought he make seek solace elsewhere if i dont give him it.

[jkk]

Hi, i think you have to really make a decision as to if you really want him, and you need to know exactly why you have made that decision. If you decide that you really want him, i think you might have to be a bit tacticle yourself ie, be attractive, appeal, understanding, supportive, forgiving (even if your aren't at the moment), available emotionally, welcoming. Open the door for him to walk back into (let him know). You give him what the o/w does.

But, remain dignified, don't be a doormat, set boundaries for yourself, be honest with him, and yourself. Get legal advice, and some counselling. If you refer to the o/w, do it unemotionally, just point out her games, lack of morals etc, then leave it at that. Remind him of your good points, and his good points. Remind him of the good times, and the prospect of good times ahead. Try to be positive, convince him you both can iron out the problems of the past and build a new relationship.

It isn't easy, what has happened has happened, you cannot change the past, you have to be able to live with it, build a new marriage, learn to trust again, learn to safeguard your marriage against this sort of thing happening again.

I have had a fantastic 6 months with my H. Our relationship is so different, we bought a bike, we go away together - day trips, holidays, meals, we chat and laugh a lot, and really enjoy each others company, and are much more open and considerate of each other wants and needs.

BUT, there is always a but!

There is a lack of trust, i still make checks on him, admittedly less than i used to. Strangely, we also came to an agreement about them. I check for signs, eg smell of perfume, signs that he has really been at work, mileage on the car, money, (makes me sound so sad). But, i get reassured, he understands it reassures me. If i do have doubts about anything, i ask, he answers. What we don't do is argue about it, or make a big thing about it, we both know why i check. It's a thing we both have to put up with, maybe the checks will fizzle out and the trust will be fully restored, simply, i don't know.

jkk

[Helpless]

I really do want him more than anything in the world. I have been doing what you say, I havent texted or called him (he has been texting me more than ever and putting xxx at the end of each one) I have been caring but strong when he comes saying i relasie he needs to do whats best for him, I have made sure i look good (no red eyes) he left on Friday and I have felt more connected to him over the weekend than the last 3 weeks he was living with me. He iniates kisses, cuddles etc, I think he is really confused what he wants. He says he loves me but he doesnt love his life and he doesnt want to be in a relationship. He may now start to realise what a fantastic life he has. We have fantastic kids, no money worries (i have a high paid job) a Lovely 4 bed detached house in a lovely area, a top of the range Lexus, 3 holidays a year. The other women has a rented house on a rough council estate,is a single parent with a part-time job and benefits, is 28 and sits out in the street drinking and smoking with all her young friends, everything he always professed to hating. I am just hoping this time away will make him take stock, but who knows maybe he will choose to go and bring someone elses 6yr old son up rather than his own.

[ken94]

You're doing well !!!
Cary on the good work !

And keep faith in your commitments !

Ken

[jkk]

Hi

remember to tell him that you love him, and really want him to come home.

All the best

jkk

[Helpless]

I'm confused i thought you wern't supposed to keep telling them you love them ?

[ken94]

Yes you're right Helpless but you can show it by caring and doing small gesture.
But don't be needy.

[Helpless]

right i need some advice.
i went straight from work to the hospital to see my eldest son (34). My H had texted me several times in the day asking how he was etc I texted back replies. He then called me and asked if he could come about 5 to see our son (14) i said yes i will be at the Hospital but our son would be home. He then asked what time i would be home, I said about 6 so he said he would come then. I come home and asked if he had had his tea, he said no. so i said do you want some here, he said he would. He helped me make tea and we all ate together and now he is sitting downsatirs watching TV with our son. It is his nephews b/day (who he is living with) and I said arent you going out with them for a drink, he said no i would rather stay here for a bit. Is he just using us to make himself feel better about leaving? should I say you should go now or would that push him into the arms of the ow. I also have to think about our son, dont get me wrong I want him here but i don't want to build false hope. I am confused at the minute never mind him.

[ken94]

"Is he just using us to make himself feel better about leaving? "
No he is enjoying being with you all as a family, that's good.

"Should I say you should go now or would that push him into the arms of the ow."
Enjoy the time he is with you if he wants to leave he will do on his own.

Another advice be with him instead of being on internet !!!

[Helpless]

Thanks Ken, he had dozed off when i came on here. I told him i thought he needed not to come as much after being in an infedelity chat room and several of them saying he was using me, then I read your response and i thought do you know what I agree with Ken.

He was upset when i told him i thought it best he diidnt come as much, he said he thought it was easier for all of us this way, after reading your response i said do you know what your right, i want you here, our son wants you here and you want to be here , so lets carry on this way. We sat on the bed and had a really good talk for hours, no nastiness, talked about general things, how we both felt etc he has only just left. It actually felt like when we first met and we were not living together. It was the best night we have had in ages and he has gone to sleep on his nephews couch. I feel really positive at the moment as we really connected and when he kissed me it felt like he meant it. I just hope i am not reading too much into it.

[jkk]

Hi

i think it is important to tell them you love and want them home, it doesn't have to be in a romantic, cuddly, emotional, puting pressure on them, or needy way. You can appear calm, and matter of fact, and clear about what you want, and what will happen in the future - with or without them.

[ken94]

Yes, don't read too much into it, that isn't good for your mind. Just see it as a step forward and enjoy the moments.
You did well, carry on the good work !
Courage !

I have to agree with jkk but only in a full conversation matter.

Saying "I love you" not in a conversation is more a sign of needyness as we are waiting for the same in reply. It doesn't make our partner comforable. And when the reply is "thank you" it is heartful and frustrating.

Ken

[Helpless]

Well he came tonight and took our son to his nephews to do a workout in his gym. He then came back and had his tea with us, but once again he seemed to be distant, so i just kept my distance. After the football fininshed he just got up and said I'm going I'll see you tomorrow, i just said bye and never got up, he gave me a peck on the cheek and left. I am really sufffering tonight, after last night I had built up my hopes (i know i shouldnt have) but it still seems like one step forward two steps back. I just want him to come home so bad and I know i shouldnt rush it, but the pain is unbearable.:(

[Ageing Grace]

Helpless, if you are going to stroll along with this now-he's-here-now-he-isn't thing (and, believe me, I understand how driven you feel to go with this flow), then you need to read Dave's sticky at the top of this forum.

And take care of you. Put your self (and your kids) first, second and third. Don't try to be a mind-reader, let him think his own thoughts while you get on with your life :)

Good luck!
AG

[Helpless]

I Know AG and i know I cant rush things, but I want to shake him and say come to your senses , but I know it has to be his decsion. It is so hard when one day I feel so upbeat about it and the next so down but i guess its all part of the process i have to go through. I just hope he realises soon. We have never spent more than 1 night apart in 21 yrs until now.

[Ageing Grace]

I know!!!! It's agony! I remember wanting to bang his head against the wall (very loving, huh :rolleyes: ) until he got the connection between baby + bathwater (or cake + eating it)!

Seriously, Helpless, what the woman in Dave's sticky did was NOT float around waiting for him to make a decision. She just got on with life, and laid a place at the table (literally and metaphorically) so he knew he was welcome if he chose to come back.

The thing about her approach is, she was covered both ways. If he didn't come back full-time, then her life had already been enhanced and her future was bright. Meanwhile, he was looking at an ever-more attractive home life ... and the choice was his to make.

She wasn't "playing a game" or "playing him". She was enriching her family - with or without him :)

You need good friends to do this right. You have them! Get on the phone, Helpless ... view yourself as a project in an exciting stage of development.
You can do it.

Go, girl :D
AG

[Helpless]

Thanks AG this site is really a great support. I havent got that many close friends and I have no family other than my kids. I think that was part of our problem we lived our lives so closely and did'nt really have outside friends. I am still not well, (the doctor finally gave me anti biotics yesterday) i have a chest infection and I suppose feeling ill, having to drag myself into work and my son still in hospital doesnt help.

I want him to come back so much, I woke at 5 am and really missed him next to me. I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I dont let him see me down when he is here, I pretend everything is fine, but when he goes I just feel like I want to die. I still can't eat properly ( the weight is falling off me) and I know i have to but i just cant seem to swallow. When will this pain end.

[Helpless]

Well hes just come and collected our son and took him to his nephews to use the gym. I am not too well so he has just said he will bring a takeaway home with him for everyones tea (although i cant eat any) he gave me a hug when he came in only not as tight as when he first left. I am totally confused by all this he said to me he feels really starnge and sureal and yet it is all of his doing.

I truly believe he hasnt seen the OW since their brief encounter last friday (the day he decided to leave) but maybe he is still pineing for the what he believed they may have had especially as she told him she had a new boyfriend and he is an extremely jealous person. My eldest son has just been discharged from the hospital and I have said he can stay here for a bit as he is still not well, but I havent got the energy (being ill myself) to look after him. Why does everthing have to happen all at once, I feel so down.

[Helpless]

Well H has just told me he went to view a flat y/day just around the corner. I asked was he taking it and he said he was so i said well i dont think you should keep coming here all the time, if you dont want to live here then you need to stop dipping in and out of our lives giving us false hope. I made it quite clear that i didnt want him to leave and that i loved him, he once again said he loved me but he didnt love his life. He asked could he stay here until Monday I said no you need to go now and dont come back if thats what you want. So he has gone and I feel extremely calm. I just hope i feel as calm in the morning i think it is the only way to go make or break maybe he needs a bit of tough love, who knows.:(

[Ageing Grace]

I hope you managed to stay calm for a while, Helpless, it helps to give us strength. I hope the antibiotics are working and you're starting to feel a little more human. If I could send home-made chicken soup over the internet, I would!

Interesting what he said; "he loved me but he didnt love his life". That's serious stuff, but it's also fixable.

Have you discussed this before? Do you know what issues he wishes to change?

If so, ramble on here about it :) Between us, we might be able to make constructive suggestions :confused:

The main thing right now is for you to get back on your feet. Have a big virtual hug from me (and virtual chicken soup. With dumplings.)

AG x

[Helpless]

Thanks AG replies on here are a great comfort. I slept surprisingly well, maybe deep down I knew he had to do this. He said he has had a nagging feeling for a few years that he needed to see that he could cope living on his own. I have always taken care of all the finanaces etc and he did the majority of the household chores. I know he will be devastated not being able to come here but i feel whilst i was allowing it, he wasnt really missing our life. I said "was your life so bad" and he said "no i just feel its something i have to do," He said i will probabaly think in a few weeks "what are you doing" but he said unless he tries he will never get it out of his mind.

I am ok this morning, I have a busy day conducting interviews and i am going to go out tonight with a girlfriend tonight for a drimk. I have explained to our son why I said he couldnt stay here until he moved and he agreed. My H said to me last night this has been the worst week of his life, lets hope he realises as soon as possible that all what he really wants is here, but i have told him if he doesnt, we will be ok because i will make sure we are.

Thanks again AG and thenks for the soup i feel a lot better today.:)

[dusty]

Hi helpless. Dont know if you saw any of my threads recently ( I deleted them I think). But my partner of 24 years left for a 21 year old girl. This all started really in November last year however he said he was finished with her in Jane and we then started a couple of months where he 'didnt know what he wanted' 'needed space' still loved me but didnt know what was wrong with him. Called regularly to see the children 16 and 18 and would often have tears in his eyes and look at me as tho he was finding things hard. I duely backed off and gave him his space. spent a month of being thrilled when he phoned for a chat or seemed as tho he was missing me and then found out he was back seeing her again. Needless to say all hell let loose and i had to break all contact completely ( me and the kids) just to survive. It was just a terrible time - another stage that it seems by reading this forum that we all go through. The children are back seeing him once a week he picks them up from the end of the road but i still havent spoken and its been 6 months. What Im trying to say is that its very likely he is still seeing or at least in communication with this other girl. If its any consolation it does get better. I read this site and see what you and others are going thru and recognise that there are stages i have actually moved on from so something is happening. Good luck x

[jkk]

hi - i think he is still in touch with the o/w. Your H is obviously making perminent/semi perminent moves. I think you should seek legal advice, and find out how you stand.

Also, stand your ground to what you think is right. Take good care of yourself, try to eat, sleep, exercise. Have your hair done, make-up, buy some new clothes, go out with friends, treat yourself kindly! Stay strong! Keep venting on here!!!!!!!!!

Thinking of you

jkk

[Ageing Grace]

Seconded! Especially JKK's second paragraph :)

Good that you've cleared the air with your son, Helpless. Now you have clear air at home and your life to yourself for a little while, get well, become your loveliest (for you, no-one else) and put some effort into your other relationships. GREAT that you're going out - enjoy the break.

love,
AG xxx

[Helpless]

He has phoned me and assured me he is not in contact with the ow, maybe i just want to beleive it, i am so confused with everything now i just dont no what to do. i know eveyone says look after you but that is easier satd than done. He says he just fells he needs to at least try living on his own, i just hopw he realises soon what he is loosing

[Helpless]

Well i have had a mixed couple of days. Friday i felt awful the anti biotics must have kicked in and i felt really ill, and having to conduct a full day of interviews didnt help. H didnt contact me (at my request) nor me him. I didnt feel up to going into town after work so i came home. My D was in and i just broke down crying feeling really low. Then my friend called and i couldnt talk, she came around and her and my D pursueded me to go around the corner to our local pub for tea. I forced some food down and had a couple of glasses of wine but a few hours was enough and i needed to come home.

As i got in my youngest son called to say his dad was picking him up from his friends and dropping him off. He said his dad was going to come in and then heard our voices and said i better go. The next morning my H texted me asking if he could come and get a change of clothes. He said he didnt come in last night as i had asked him not to. I said he could come and get changed. He came about 4pm i didnt let him hug me (like he normally does) i just carried on doing the washing etc and not really taking any notice of him. We had a brief chat about him moving and i said if he really needed to do it then he should and although i wanted him to stay i understood that if he didnt do it he may always regret it.

He left after about 30 mins dropped our son off at his friends and went to work. He called me later to say he was going to collect our son later, when he did he came in and i asked him if he wanted a cup of tea. My son said to me "mum when is my dad going to wake up and come home", i told him about his dads desire to live alone and he said "Lets go on holiday for 4 weeks and leave him here and let him see what its like". My H went up and had a game on the PS3 and when he came down he was teary. I asked what was up and he said he had asked our son if he was going to help him decorate his new place and he said i dont know. We chatted for quite a while about what had bothered him in our home life, i acknowledged these issues without taking any of the blame for the A which he agreed. He said the only thing keeping him going was the thought that he could come home if it didnt work out in the flat. He then also said if i come back i want to stay doing this job. I said i knew that if he came back things would have to be different but it wouldnt be easy. He left and said he would call me today.

I am sorry for rambling but i know everyone here has been/or are going through similar things and i dont want to push too hard . Some say dont let him come into the house, but then i think how can we talk if i dont let him in. I am feeling really confused, all help gratefully recieved.

[ken94]

Rubbish the idea to not let him into your house. As you said how are you going to speak and see each other. You have to be welcoming and keep an open door policy otherwise her will feel unwanted and then move on in the wrong direction. Be like her mother who is going through the tantrum of her child.

Toward your son explain the situation well so he doesn't resent his father. Everybody go through hard time and his father is just doing that. But his father still love him. And your son should support him. That said it will be wrong for your son to go and help your H to redecorate his flat as your son's house isn't his flat and that isn't support.

Be supportive, loving and listen to him.


It takes time but he will realise how great you are that can take more than a year. ( I am 1 year and 6 months in with a divorce and future starts to look bright again with my exW)

Courage

Ken

[Helpless]

Thanks Ken well my H has come to his senses and asked to come home. He texted me today to ask how i was and i said ok, i asked if he wanted to come for his dinner and he said he would love to.

He came in and he looked awful. I asked if he had phoned the man over the flat and he said he had and then he said he had told him he didnt want it and that if he could he would like to come home. I said of course you can however it wont be easy and there will probably be difficult times ahead. He said this week had been the worst week of his life and it made him realise how lucky he actually was.

He said he felt part of him saying he wanted a flat was so he could run away from what he had done and he knows now that wasnt the right thing to do. I said if he come back i couldnt go through the wanting to leave again in a few weeks, he said he wouldnt do that as it made him so miserable being away from us. I know it will take time but at least we are in the same house again, so hopefully we can try and build a new relationship better than before.

[ken94]

Very good for you !
Congratulation !!!

Ken

[Helpless]

Well he has been back since Sunday and I have to say I am struggling . After wanting him back so bad i now find myself resenting the fact he said he wanted to leave in the first place. I want to talk and he doesnt, I know it is a long process but I would appreciate any help or ideas i can use to try and move us on. Biting my lip is the one I am using the most at the minute.

[jkk]

Hi not so helpless - i cannot bring myself to call you helpless!

it is so difficult! i struggled for months.

I would often see him pondering; wondering what he was thinking. But, i couldn't see into his mind - still can't! I suppose the only way i can think of is, he had the choice. He chose me. I love him. I believe he loves me. I still don't trust him, or the o/w. I believe she was more truthful than him. I hope and pray that i am being told the truth. If i am not, and there is any contact between them at all, i shall put my chin in the air, and say good riddance!

My H had an affair for 7 years - whilst i was ill. It is a horrid thought.

But now i believe he isn't - i hope not. It is over a year since i found out, and i've been through hell. No more! We have more fun than we've had in years!

But, i am sure that i would have a good future without him, of course i would cope - maybe i would have to call on support from the people on here! but they would be a rock!!!!

It wasn't easy - it's still not, i have huge doubts - checking on him etc, him checking on me???
but we are together, we both understand. We're having a great time, enjoying life and each other, hopefully it will carry on.

My H said that for years he had really wanted to be on his own, but given the choice - he actually chose not to be. He actually begged me never to dump his stuff on her doorstep again, regardless, as he really didn't want to be with her.

It's a long road, and not an easy one.

From being ill, and everything that has happened, i cherish every day, and look forward to the next - regardless!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wishing you well,

jkk

[Helpless]

Thanks jkk it is heartening to hear your story and that 1 year on you're still together. It has been a little better over the last couple of days. Monday i told him i needed to feel sure about what he was saying not just hear it. I said a few things and then let the silemce ensue, he did eventually talk and i felt it was honest what he said. Last night we actually laughed together and i realised how long it had actually been since we had been like that with each other.

I am taking one day at a time and I realise the road ahead is a long one, but I know that it is one I want to take with him, however as you say jkk, if not, i also know I can walk it alone.

[Helpless]

Just thought i'd give an update. Things have been much better over the last week.we have actually laughed together for the first time in ages. He knows it will take time and so do i..i feel inside that he has not had contact with the ow and that our relationship can grow and evolve from this terrible event.. i do hope so.

[Sugarplum]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you xx

[Helpless]

Thanx Sugarplum, i have had week of ups and downs and whoever it was that told me it was a rollercoaster they were definately right. Some times i feel really happy and then i feel really down. I keep telling my h how i feel (trying not to throw up the A) and he did actually say "maybe we should go to counselling" the other day, something i thought he would not even consider.

I keep having the feeling that he may say he wants to leave again, he keeps telling me that he wont, that it was his decision to return and that he really wants to be here, but i cant help how i feel. Saying that i dont want to impact on how we try to get through this difficul time and feel if i keep harping on about it he may well think enough is enough.

[Raymond]

You can't believe he wants to stay faithful and be with you now but that will come in time. Him suggesting counseling is very positive and shows someone who wants to commit. Trust takes time to build up again. It is not a quick thing. I see it will come though if there is commitment from him there which I believe that there is. I think he is very fortunate to still have you and yet somehow it seems to be working the other way.

Raymond

[Helpless]

Thanx Raymond I feel you are right he is lucky to still have me,his family and his life. We had a lovely night together tonight took our youngest to tennis and then out for a nice family meal.He does seem to have come out of the fog, he is like my old h again, no mopeing, laughing and joking, he seems happy agiain. i just need time to heal and recover from this lifechanging experience.

[Raymond]

You are right Helpless. The past would have affected you emotionally. Things don't snap straight together when a husband comes back. There are issues that need healing. Trust is an important one and only time and ongoing faithfulness can heal that. Sounds like you have forgiven him so you are okay on that front I think.

Maybe you can change your name now?

Raymond

[Helpless]

I just thought i would give an update. I am still struggling, it seems to me that my h just wants all this to go away and i'm afraid it cant. I can understand that it is painful for him to talk about this but it is painful for me to live with it. I confronted him last night because i can see h is actively avoiding talking to me. He admitted it and said he knows the conversation will get around to the a and it depresses him. I try hard not to bring it up all the time however it is still on my mind 24/7.

I have tried to alter my behaviour which he said made him feel unhappy within our relationship (doing more around the house etc) ,however i dont see much effort on his behalf. I know it is a long process but my h refuses to read anything, now says he doesnt want to go to counselling and i said to him last night i really dont know how we can move forward without either of us knowing how. I just feel if we dont alter how we are doing things we will just slip back into our old ways and end up back to sqaure one.

[j92cool]

Dear Helpless

I am concerned that he is making very little effort and just wants it all to go away. Mine did that and it came back to bite me 12 months later. He really needs to go to coucelling and I would be reluctant to take him seriously about wanting to make your marraige work. This may sound horrible but he needs to pay his dues and show more repentace for the pain he has caused you and your son. It takes 2 to work on a marraige and it seems like you are working alone, making changes to your behaviour and taking the blame.

[Raymond]

Has he got a guilt complex about this Helpless? None of this is your fault but he still seems to be battling with something. Does he ever reproach himself about what he did?

Usually when this happens repentance and a regaining of your trust is the answer which is followed by forgiveness by the offended party. There seems to be something else going on here and I am wondering if he is troubled by guilt here? What do you think?

Raymond

[Helpless]

Hi both and thanks for your replies. I do think he needs to pay his dues but Raymond you are right he feels extremely guilty about what he has done and says he hates himself and cannot bear to think about it although he has agreed he will have to talk about it with me.

It was totally out of character for him, i have never even seen him give a sideward glance at another female in the 21 yrs we have been together. He has never been one for going out drinking with his friends he always prefered being with his family so this came as a complete shock.

He says that when we talk about it he feels so ashamed he gets depressed , but i have said unless we work through things, it will just get back to where we were before.

[Raymond]

Sometimes the problem can be that the cheater hasn't a conscience about it. In this case it seems that he has an over developed sense of conscience. Either that or he doesn't know how to receive your forgiveness or forgive himself in fact. The problem is not repentance here. You have enough of that. Perhaps he is waiting for your condemnation and cannot take it as he is punishing himself already.

I think you have to tread lightly Helpless and while not making light of it, because it was wrong, try and confirm your forgiveness and acceptance of him as a person in spite of what he has done. It's a tall order I know but a necessary one for you both to move forward.

Let me know how you get on. If that doesn't do it maybe he has a conscience towards God as well, in which case a solution has already been provided.

Raymond

[j92cool]

I am sorry Helpless my preious post was not very helpfull. I feel I was looking at things from the wrong angle and can see where Raymond is coming from now. I suppose I was looking at my experience where my ex had no heart and took the cowards way out.

I do hope you and your H can work through your problems. Best of luck.

[Helpless]

Thanks j92cool I know my H is really sorry for the hurt he has caused and maybe I was looking for too much from him too soon, I am obviously still struggling with the trust.

Raymond you are spot on he is always saying he cant forgive himself and he feels so embarrassed at what he has done, I have told him he needs to start forgiving himself but he says its not that easy.

After i read your reply Raymond I Texted him and said sorry for going on and on (had another go last night) and he replied saying he was sorry too and would try harder. He has just called me at work, something I had said he didn’t do to make sure I was feeling ok. I know it is a long road ahead however I do feel a lot more optimistic about our future today...lets hope things continue the way they are, and once again thanks for your encouragement and support.

[Raymond]

I really hope it all opens up for you both and that a real understanding and a better knowing of each other begins to happen.

You are being wise Helpless. If one is already punishing themselves over something you don't need to add your weight to it as that can destroy something.

Let me know if he continues long term in this lack of self forgiveness in spite of your willingness to forgive.

Raymond