i feel so awful,need help..

[nix192]

some of you are already up to date on my story but i wont bore you with all the details,been together 21 years,split up ,hes now found someone else and is moving down there tomorrow.
i knowtheres no going back now as he has hurt our children and me too much with his mind games over the last couple of months but why am i so deverstated that hes going and i wont see him anymore? i know its probably all for the best as i will have to move on and get over him but it still hurts like hell.

he is meeting the children tonight for the last time for a few months(he is going to need time to settle in and find a job before he comes to visit them).i know i cant control his relationship with our kids and i cant stop them from being hurt but im so sad that the kids think he is putting his new relationship before them.

why do i still miss someone who has basicaslly ripped my heart out and stomped all over it?and when will i start to feel better?i would be so grateful for some advice.

[JWD]

Don't give yourself a hard time for missing him no matter what he's put you through. You're mourning the person he was to you, you're relationship together, you're past and the future you thought you had together. I so wish I could end the pain for everyone here but it's just not going to happen overnight so you have to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel everything. You have every right to feel it, he's taken the rug from under your feet and you're left picking up the pieces of you and your children's hearts.

I think when people say it gets easier they mean that every day the shock lessens. Forgiveness is crutial for healing but you can't rush this step either. You need to feel the hurt, pain and anger before you can eventually move on and forgive. When I get like this it helps me to think I cannot change another persons thoughts or actions, it's basically out of my hands therefore I try not to waste energy going over and over what could have been done differently. I just adjust to how I'm feeling now. I try to recognise when I feel down and bitter and get my mind back on track. Start being thankful for all the good things in my life, my family, my friends, my cats, my career, my wee rented flat. Sometimes I get really carried away and even get excited about all the new people I'll meet now that i'm rid of him.:)

I know you'll want to hit me but you must always, always see a positive at least once per day and trust that things will be far better. Even something silly as being able to watch your fave programme in peace is a start. It shows you that the world hasn't stopped turning because someone you gave yourself to chose to leave. They've made their decision, rightly or wrongly and there is nothing we need to do to change that.

Everyone handles it differently, I say my affirmations just to make myself feel good again, I've flung myself in feng shui much to the horror and irritation of my long suffering friends haha and now I'm starting a degree course and hope to one day become a counsellor. This all helps keep me focused on something other that I've failed, I've been abandoned and I'm unlovable.

I read everything I can on the subject of infidelity and marriage break-ups just so I could understand it more and it also showed that I was far from alone.

I think it will take a long long time to fully comes to terms with what has happened to us and I think it will change us forever but that doesn't need to become a negative change.

You need to surround yourself with people that love you and make you feel good about yourself. Keep a journal of all your thoughts and you'll soon begin to see each day change.

You don't believe it when you hear but I'll say it anyway. Things WILL get better. Promise xxxxx

[nix192]

jwd
thankyou so much for your kind words,i am trying to be positive and know that i dont want someone who dosent love me,like you said its hard to forget all our dreams as a family.
he is just so nasty to me at th moment as if he is blamming me for all of this.i know he must feel guilty about the way hes done things but blamming me is not helping.
he wont admit any wrong doing or except that hes hurt us,i dont wish him any harm but i just hope his new life is not the bed of roses he thinks its going to be and one day he will look back and realise that our life wasnt as bad as he tells me it was.

[georgie]

Oh Nix, I hear everything you're saying. Sadly it's that nature of the beast - they cannot seem to take any responsibility for their actions. It's as if they are as strange to themselves as they are to us, they can't believe what they are doing therefore somehow it must be our/everyone elses fault. Everything JWD said is 100% true.
I am 7 months in to this experience and it is a rollercoaster. I just quit my job this week, had a few terrible tumultuous days, was being bullied by my X about agreeing to the settlement he wants, then realised I was also working with a bunch of masogonist bullies, and realised the only reason I had taken that job was because I thought if I relieved the financial stress my X was claiming to be under that he would turn back into the person I used to know. Of course he didn't , he just became more and more selfish. So, now I am poor, but I have head space and I feel better. I've realised I have to start doing things for me and my kids, he is no longer to be considered at our expense. I have wonderful friends, my sister is hopping on a plane this weekend and flying from Ireland to Australia just to be here for me, my nieces are flying in from the other end of Australia for the same reason, my friends are constantly offering their love and support. I'm ok - I've no idea what I'm going to do re: finances, but I'm a capable person and I'm not just a machine to be trotted out to work with no satisfaction/respect, I deserve to be happy, my kids deserve a happy mom, so that's my goal. I feel good. I do not miss my X at all. He is a sad empty selfish person, when our financial ties are finally broken (apart from child support), and I no longer need to fight him for my rights, I know I'm going to pity him. Money is his God, he takes no real pleasure from the important things in life and you know what? that is his loss and his problem. I'm going to make sure that I do take pleasure in our wonderful children, in my wonderful friends and family. My life is no poorer for losing someone as selfish as he turned out to be. Your H is not the person you thought he was. You are better then he and you deserve better. Think of you Nix, put yourself first, your kids deserve a happy mother.x

[huting]

U feel so bad right now because it seems so final, u won't b able to see him and so won't have any influence on him, which is scary. After he's gone u will b ok, u won't have to see or hear from him everyday which is good because u will b able to move on without seeing him which makes you take 2 steps back. It hurts now but once he's gone,u will feel better. Its because u have no control. Thinknig of u, xx

[nix192]

thankyou so much for all your words of wisdom.
well hes gone to live with ow today,i dont know how i feel really,i know it hurts and there has been tears today but i also know i wont have any contact with him now and that feels a bit of a relief as i can move on now.
yesterday i did a silly thing i asked him to meet for coffee before he took the kids out.we talked and even laughed but it was hard to walk away after,he took the kids out for an hour(he apparently had more importent things to do than say goodbye).
when they came home they said he had asked about my lifeand what i was doing and also told them that the ows youngest dosent like him and is finding things hard as ow has had loads of serious relationships but they have all walked out on her.i must admit it felt good to realise that shes not as perfect as he makes her out to be.
i thought today hes like a drug to me as i crave him then after getting a fix the next day i feel awful.ive got to get him out of my system so im trying to consentrate on myself and our children,let him get on with his life.

[huting]

It will get better and easier now he's gone,although it doesn't feel like it now but u may actually b able to move on now without bumping into him which would make u think about him. That's not to say that u won't think about him but at least now its not a constant reminder. Good luck with the healing and moving on process. At least u know where u stand with him and can now try to move forward. There's a better person out there waiting for u,2 love u when u are ready.1 door closes and another 1 opens

[jools]

why do i still miss someone who has basicaslly ripped my heart out and stomped all over it?and when will i start to feel better?i would be so grateful for some advice. I suppose the emotional answer is "because you love him" - and that's probably true. I've been through what you're experiencing now (as have most people on this site). A love that is built up over such a long period of time cannot be easily erased that quickly. It'll probably take two to three years before you truly feel back to your old self (a massive generalisation I know). And between now and then you'll gradually feel stronger. There's no quick fix. Your brain will have been programmed in all sorts of ways over the years to rely on him for all sorts of needs. The reprogramming is a gradual process.hes like a drug to me as i crave him then after getting a fix the next day i feel awful.ive got to get him out of my system That's a really good analogy. That's exactly what it's like. We fumble around trying to find our way through the emotional fall-out. We make mistakes, we feel all sorts of emotions and just do whatever makes us feel better. I know when my H left I felt like one of those orphaned baby ducks - desperately seeking a replacement. I thought that the only thing to heal me was to find someone else to love. My friends said I wasn't ready and now I know they were right - but at the time I did what ever gave me hope. I do feel that I'm a better person now - in fact better than I was when we were together and I relied on him for so many things. I'm three years down the line and I like my life now. You will get through this and feel better - but it will happen gradually. Keep posting because this site is a source of so much comfort. You'll get there, Nix - I promise. Oh, and if I was a betting woman, I don't give him and her much chance. My H's "friend" disappeared within the year. Didn't affect the situation between us (too much damage done) but it made me feel better (rightly or wrongly). Actually - there is no right or wrong - it's like the old song "Whatever gets you through the night - it's alright..." Just do whatever needs to be done, Nix - anything that makes you feel better - you'll get there.
Jools XXXXXXXXXX

[nix192]

thankyou so much for your thoughts.
i had as bit of a breakdown last night,after spending the evening with a good friend me and my daughter got a taxi home and for some reason i started to think it would normally be me and husband coming home after a night out.
then when i got in i lost it a bit,sobing to my daughter that i cant do this anymore,and saying i miss him so much then i started saying i might aswell not be here anymore(to my daughters horror).
off i went up to bed,and she followed me as he was scared i was going to do something silly.i appologised to her and told her that i would never do anything silly as i have her and her brother with me.
she eventually left me and went to bed but i feel so terrible about what i put her through last night.

[Sugarplum]

Nix you are not alone in feeling like this......I too end up crying after going out with my daughter (23) because like you I always end up thinking I should be sat in the car going places with H like we used to. My daughter is always very patient with me and gives me lots of hugs and reassurance while I pour my heart out and lets me ramble on. I've told both my kids that although I'm broken hearted I would never do anything silly to hurt myself (I love my H but he's NOT worth sacrificing myself for) as I love them so much and want to be around to see them get married and have children.
I'm sure your daughter knows what your going through and that we say things when in distress. At times like this our kids are a blessing to us....I think of my H living on his own (he walked away from the marriage but not his kids) I know he loves and misses them, it's then that I realise I'm the lucky one as I have both my kids here with me and if I had to choose between them or H......I would hold the door open and tell my H goodbye.

Hugz Sugarplum x

[nix192]

hi sugarplum

you are so right about having the kids meaning so much,i dont know were i would be without my 2.And like you i feel sorry for h as he chose to move in with ow and her children who apparently are not keen as she has made a habit of getting serious with men then they leave.

i know my h loves our children and i know he is going to find things hard,hes not very paternal at all and the only kids he tolerated were his own who are both grown up(well almost) andits quite funny to imagine him pulling faces of frustration when ows young daughter is having a tantrum.

im almost willing her to play up,is that awful?

[nix192]

i feel really depressed today,why cant istop thinking about him?its driving me mad.had no contact since he moved away(friday) but i crave him.its almost like ineed him like a drug and im trying to wean myself from him but finding it really hard.i know hes moved on so why do i put myself through this?
im fed up with trying to act normal in front of the kids but all i want todo isgo back to bed and cry constantly.i wonder if he thinks of us at all,it seems like he dosent.
has anyone else felt this way?and if so when does it start to get easier?:(:(:(:(:(

[912jws]

Don't worry nix this is completely normal.
I have crappy moments where I feel depressed and lonely and then moments when I think and look back that there is someone better out there for me and to be treated like I have been treated is appalling.
I saw my wife for the first time in 3 weeks over the weekend and she acted all smug as if she had done nothing wrong and that I can deal with this ok :mad: i obviously made sure I looked good and was in control and acted calm.
New man obviously stayed in the house out of sight :rolleyes: I shall look forward to seeing him for the first time at my sons birthday party this weekend, something if he had any decency he would skip just this time.
I don't really miss my wife that much, I think i just feel hurt/rejected on how someone can be so spiteful/not give a damn to someones feelings :(
It's going to take time at the end of the day and we each have our own healing processes so how long is a piece of string :confused: I hope ours is a short one :)

Jon

[Helpless]

Big hugs Nix xxx my H is still here and it is hard enough i dread to think how I would feel if he left,but you must get strong as it is the only way you will be able to move on. Focus on all the positive things in your life , what is good, what you want your new partner to be like, where you will go, thats what i have been doing and he hasnt even gone and do you know what,I'm startin to think i might like him to go LOL.

I hope you feel better soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[nix192]

thankyou so much for your replies,i feel a little better tonight as the kids are home.i am trying to think about just me and the kids,but its hard.
its only been 4 days since hes gone so the no contact thing is hard at the moment but i know i have to do it .

he text our daughter tonight to ask how she was but still hasnt contacted our son,he just dosent think.why cant he realise that both of them are hurting.at least hes thinking of one of us.xx

[nix192]

ive had such an awful few days but today has been the worst,my daughter decided to unblock ows facebook and then tell me all about thier wonderfull relationship even though ive beged her not to keep hurting me like this she still keeps doing it.
i know shes hurting too but i wasnt the one who moved away to be with another family,im here doing everything possible to make her life easier.when she speaks to her dad shes all sweetness,so why do i have all the bad stuff and he gets all the good?

[1aokgal]

Dear Nix192,

You must be dealing with incredibly sad and mixed up emotions. A long time marriage with children and he has so little character he moves out to move in with the OW and her children! That is just a terrible thing for you. Perhaps the positive is that you did not waste more years of your life with a man capable to care so little for his children he gave them a really awful role model and hurt the mother of his children.

Believe me when I say such a move on his part may blow up in his face. It sounds as if she has been around the block a few times and won't be the princess he thinks he got. Maybe she is a younger model but that gets old too. History is likely to repeat itself and she will cheat on him too. This kind of thing usually replays itself. That means you need to set yourself into a mindset that he may come back.... sounding really repentant. It would be a mistake to take him back until the reasons for this infidelity are dealt with between the two of you.

There are many women who have experienced a similar story. It just sounds like mid life crisis to me. A long and comfortable marriahge can sometimes feel like a noose for a man. Women want the comfortable and familiar and men seem to crave the excitement of the chase.

Please feel very good about yourself that you can still love a man so much even at this time. What you need to do is to get your survival skills in order. Do what you need to to protect yourself and your children in financial well being. If you are dependent on him than you need to find out how you can earn your way. Then get legal advise so he meets his responsibility to you and his children.

Your children must be very embarrassed that their father would be such a shallow person and will make their own relationship with him. Sometimes kids don't even want to talk to a man who leaves the home. You are the one now who needs to do all you can to think through what has happened and realize it is more in what is lacking in him ..than what was lacking in you. It is really a terrible thing he has done. The best thing you can do is to deal with him as calmly as possible and to discuss the arrangements between you about the kids.

A man who has to provide child support for his kids is not all that attractive to the OW.

This is a great time to nurture yourself with good care, some exercise and good eating plan. Form a battle plan to decide how you will handle meetings with him. Don't soften up because you care for him but arrange to get what help you can from him and what he owes to you. You can make a decent life and you can go on to a better one in time. Women do it alll the time. We get past these things. Consider a training course or think about help from family if you need to do that. Expect your children to do things around the house to help you if they are old enough to do that.

Hard to believe there is info posted about your husband on facebook. That is just tasteless. I am sure your daughter is as hurt and upset and you have been. If she has contact with her dad it should be positive as the kids can't take sides. Try not to confide too much in your children because they don't need to carry the stress of adults poor decisions or actions. The less they know, the better.

That was one action I regret years ago when I asked too much of my 12 year old son. He took responsibility to help with things above his age when he should have been out being a kid. He is still a too serious one who just had his own marriage fold.

You have every right to expect better treatment and I feel certain you will one day find a happier life.

[nix192]

1aokgal
thankyou so much for your kind words,they are much needed after the few days i have had.i do think what you say is true but i still find myself thinking about what i could have done better as a wife then maybe i wouldnt be here now.
but then i think to myself if he dosent want me then nothing i could have done or said wouldhave stopped this.my emotions are just so all over the place at the moment,i swing from being angree at how could he do this to feeling strong and believing that its for the best and we will be ok to missing him terribly.
as for our daughter she is still in contact with him(when he feels like ringing her)only i dont think the ows too happy when he has anything to do with his old life as shes insecure.but its still me that has to be there 24/7 for her.
but as he moved away 10 days ago,he left his job so has said it will be a while until he settles in and gets a job until he can come see them,so i think she is probaly feeling abandoned by him and she seems to be taking all her hurt out on me as i am here.
everyday it gets a slight bit easier and i know we will be ok but i dont no what i would have done without sites like this they have been my lifeline.xx

[Helpless]

Nix Big Hug and stay strong xxxx

Something you need to remember about sites such as facebook, people only post what they want other people to read and believe. I know because my H Thing posted things about him (actaually named him) hoping i would see it. (i did after i found out) she even put he had phoned her after he came back to me when he hadnt left my side (so she was hoping to cause trouble) so just because she is putting everthing is fantastic doesnt actually mean it is. I know because I am now putting things on for her benefit , that may not be entirely true :rolleyes: Anyhow you have to realise that you deserve better than him now. Take care xxxxx

[1aokgal]

Dear Nix192..

If you love this man you analyze your life together and REALLY be honest to assess whether it had merit. Think about how he was to you in the past. Was he a good husband before this time? This is not a pattern of behavior? Realize You cannot change the past but you can work to alter the future. You begin to rebuild all that you can salvage for you and your children.

What do I mean? You rebuild your faith and trust that God wants you to be happy. That most things happen for a purpose. Perhaps you pray that the man you love will wake up one day and realize he blew a good life away. What if he has a deep regret? Perhaps he will call you or indicate he thinks she looks like hell in the morning. She has a vile temper and he looks back on his years with you with fondness. Maybe he harbors hope that you can go back in time and wipe out some of the bad stuff.

You salvage who you used to be. If you gained a few pounds and let yourself go as we get older, work to renew yourself. Not for him..but for you. Of course, when you see each other that is not a bad thing for him to see you did not crawl into a mattress with depression. You work to improve yourself, your home and all you can make better with positive energy.

Spend time with your childrena and realize they are hurt as well. Don't talk too much about him. Talk with them about things you enjoy to do with them. When you make these changes you will feel renewed. You begin to take back some of your power and control over your life.

Maybe he wasn't all that. Perhaps you will find the time heals and decide he treated you badly. That is when you make contact with friends and start to make a life with joy in it. There is nothig sadder the the end of a marriage but you now begin again as your own best friend. It is a good time to treat yourself better and take time for improvements. Take a couple day trips with your kids and look at places you enjoy. You begin to nourish your soul. There is a better tomorrow.

It takes effort to grow up and realize each day we learn to adapt to what happens in our lives. We earn character by how we accept challenge and change. Adversity teaches valuable lessons just as I can remember when I had to start over again years ago. There were some real laughs at some tough times. Seriously, one can have hilarious moments when you have to overcome constant annoying problems. Why does every thing break down when there is no man around? So we have to learn how to turn a screw driver! It is when we learn to change the oil or repair something alone we realize we are pretty functional people. Who says women can't do all these things! Take one day at a time. God bless.

[nix192]

Thankyou so much for your replies,i am trying to not look at facebook at the moment as its caused me so much heartache and i cant take any more.
As for my husband yes he was agood husband while i was well but after being ill for some time he started to resent it i think.i do pray that one day he will look back and realise that what we had was not that bad and perhaps once thier honeymoon period is over it wont be all a bed over roses.
But i also know that i cant hang around in limbo waiting,i have to move on.i have lost weight since he went and have decorated,had my hair cut short and genrally tried to move on.i couldnt ever get back with him now as i would always feel like i was his second choice and i couldnt live with that.
I know i have to be strong for our children and need to put us first .