Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[Kay]

Nearly two years ago, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed after the sudden deaths of several family members, a move to a new house and the loss of my husband's job. I sought treatment with a therapist and am on antidepressants and doing significantly better. It appears that during this time in my life however, that my husband began questioning his feelings for me and 3 months ago, told me that he no longer loves me. We have been married for 19 years and have two children, 15 and 12. I am devastated, but determined not to divorce, which he also does not want to do. How long does one wait for a spouse to "reclaim" their feelings? He has asked me for time for him to sort out what he's feeling, but in the meantime, I am having a very difficult time remaining hopeful. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

[GTR]

Kay, I have had to hear the same revelations from my husband, so I know how devastated you feel. I gave my husband the space to sort himself out, and like me, you should be hopeful because your husband has been honest with you. There must also be some hope on his part because he hasn't just upped and left - which is something he can do if he wants. But he hasn't, so this is a good sign. Also when I confided this (my situation) to a male friend, he believed that if a man says "he doesn't know" then the decision can go either way. So don't despair just yet. If you had even odds in the lottery, you'd think that was pretty good!!

I asked my husband what he wanted me to "do" while he figured himself out, and he just wanted me to carry on with our life in a normal way. Not separate, or do anything drastic, just to carry on. This was one of the hardest things I had to live through, but I really think because he had disclosed his true feelings (or lack thereof) and then I gave him the time to work things out in his own head, it freed him up to realise that he did love me and was not willing to walk away from everything we had achieved.

Nobody wants another person clinging around their neck, hanging on every word, nuance, or innuendo. If you hold on too tightly, this will have the opposite effect of what you want.

Also, I have come to realise that real love waxes and wanes. Maybe your husband is experiencing waning at the moment. Often we mistake this lack of anything substantial as a loss altogether. Just give him the time he has asked for. He has been gracious enough to share that with you, so you must have a solid base if you can be that honest with each other. Do you know how much courage it would take to tell someone who you know loves you, that you were having doubts? Very hard indeed, and maybe if more of us were so honest, there'd be less marriages falling apart.

Maybe he has been supporting you for so long with all your dramas that he feels he doesn't have anything more to give. Maybe it' now your time to give back to him the time and space he has asked for.

I don't know if it has helped at all. You probably don't have any choice except to wait as he has asked. At least you can be thankful that he hasn't simply walked away.

[Kate]

As GTR says our feelings can wax and wane. In fact they are changing all the time in response to the events going on around us. They often give us signs of what is going on within us too, what emotional needs are being met or not being met. Giving your husband space to reflect on things should help him to stand back from his feelings and think about his commitment to you. Feelings are very poor guides for making decisions.

Marriage has to be based on more than feeling good about each other, but sometimes the things we go through leave us feeling drained and hurt.

One thing we know that can give a boost to a marriage is a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). It helps a couple get in touch with the good things in their relationship and gives them tools to keep them close through the ups and downs of life. We did one just after our first child was born, when we were beginning to lose our sense of direction and feeling distant and a bit disillusioned with married life. If your husband is committed to making things work then one of these weekends might be a good idea when he is ready.