confused

[Unregistered]

I'm 28 and separated from my husband (40) for 3 of the 4 years we've been married .We have 2 small children together and I have one child from another relationship. he is a recovering alcoholic and very self-destructive and weak. He would always cry and have "fits" in front of my oldest son.I made him leave. . He's always been very loving and supportive while sober. He has stopped drinking and found God.He has always wanted to reconcile but I was unwilling untill recently. I am in another state and I let him visit to see how things would go. I could not get over the past hurt I felt even though I wanted to. I sent him back to his state He BEGGED me to try and work things out but the more he cried the more I wanted him away. I was to harsh and regret that .,but at the same time I dont want my children growing up to be weak like him,always crying and not valuing life. I dont want to divorce but now I see no other option.He hasn't called since then (3 weeks).I feel torn apart. Any advce would be appreciated. Thanks

[Kate]

It is bound to take time to heal past hurts - you have been through so much. There does sound as if there's a danger that your husband would become very emotionally dependent on you if he just came straight back.

To set out on married life afresh he would surely need some help perhaps counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) to establish a mature relationship with you, where your husband finds his own self worth and confidence. Can his church help in any way?

You say he is a recovering alcoholic - have you had any contact with Al- Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) who support carers and family of alcoholics. They might be able to give you some help.

The easiest solution in the short term might be to walk away, but that would not heal your hurts and would separate your children from their father. He may come over as weak, but he is still their father and that bond is important and strong.

Is there any possibility of his moving closer, but not in with you and you working through things steadily with some outside help?

[Unregistered]

Thanks for your response.First I have gone to Alanon meeitng and did find them helpful.I do agree with him needing counseling to mature. I t would be very helpful for him even if we dont reconcile.You mentioned the bond of my children and my husband. Actually they dont know him. They hanve seen him a few times but he is just like another visitor to them. I know its not good but its the way things are now. While he was in this state he wanted to stay with me untill he found work and a place of his own. But things didnt work out . He stayed in a shelter hoping I would reconsider but I told him he could stay in the state and still persue his goals. He sadi that without us it didnt matter so he left. Should I just go on with the divorce? I plan to file Thursday. Thanks for the feedback

[Kate]

Is there any particular hurry with the divorce? It's a big decision that you are taking. When I referred to your husband's relationship with the children, I wasn't necessarily referring to any pre-existing relationship. Surely they need to know their father and he deserves the chance to know them.

What I was suggesting was some sort of structured plan agreed between you where you positively agreed on some goals together, like setting up somewhere nearby for him to live and work and spending gradually more time with each other, with perhaps some counselling help as a back up. The way you describe what happened comes over as done in frustration and pain. He stayed for a while, he had to move out because things weren't working out, you told him to fend for himself and he upped and left because he couldn't be with you and could see no hope of it getting better. That was all conflict based, rather than working together to sort things out.

I don't know what facilities there are in the US to help you do this - we are UK based here, but a counsellor might be able to help you work out some goals together, or perhaps a member of the family or a friend could help.

It may be that in the end your husband cannot support a healthy relationship with you, but surely it's worth trying a few more possibilities first.