blip
5th September 2009, 11:01 AM
hi. after about a month of struggling with my feelings i'm resorting to looking online to try and understand what's happened, and why i'm feeling the way i do. i've been reading through some of the threads and haven't seen anything about married dating yet, in fact what i have read makes me feel i don't really have too much of a problem and made me question even further why i'm feeling the way i feel.
about a month ago i was sorting out my mother-in-laws computer, and came across some sites that had been visited......clearly by neither of my in-laws, they can barely turn the comp on! my husband is the only other person that visits (beside myself) that uses it. anyway, one of them was a married dating site. i felt sick, went cold, panicked, didn't know what to do.
so, i confronted him, he admitted he'd joined 6 months ago (it cost £119 per month..........we're struggling to pay our mortgage, that in itself hurt a lot) and then a few months later he'd paid for another months subscription. He promised me, hand on heart, looked me in the eye and swore on his beloved parents lives it hadn't gone further than messages online. i was still devastated, when we got home i realised i couldn't handle him being around and told him to leave. he went back to his parents. they are a really sweet couple and have brought him up well (if a little sheltered) and were completely shocked and devastated when he told them what he'd done.
sooooo......i couldn't sleep that night, and me being me, i couldn't leave it at that, i had to know. i dug about, got into his email, found it his old phone contract was never cancelled, i got into the online account, went back a few months and bingo. hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts to the same number over 2 or 3 months. no phone calls, just texts. and as far as i could see (i was in too much of a state to check properly) they were all during work hours. so i called it. after several tries a woman answered, i pretended i was after someone else, she said, no, this is ***********. gotcha. i told her who i was, she was really shocked, i told her i needed to know what happened, she said they met on that website, emailed for a few weeks then started texting. she was adamant there was nothing sexual or even that flirty going on, more like getting to know someone and building a friendship.
my brain just doesn't compute that, why would he pay all that money and be so deceitful just to be friends????
anyway, we talked for a while, she was shocked that i wasn't angry with her, i was so upset i couldn't get angry, anyway, i was on a fact finding mission and i would do my anger later. she said they never ever mentioned me, she just assumed we'd been married forever and he was in the same situation as her, bored and no longer in love.
in actual fact. we had only been married 3 years when he did this, together 6, just bought our first house and had a great life, doing lots of fun things and going to gigs (music is our shared passion) and i thought, had a fabulous and loving relationship. he is extremely loving and cuddles me all the time, tells me he loves me every day, i had no reason to think we weren't blissfully happy.
his profile on that site said, among many other things, he was bored with the way things have become and he wants some excitement. the couple of very close friends i have told were gobsmacked by this, they both said they and their husbands were always so envious of our relationship and the things we did (they both have small kids and can't do all those things, mine are teenagers) and the way we were so loved up and happy.
anyway, after coming off the phone i immediately called my husband and told him i'd just had a nice chat with ************, he was gobsmacked and speechless for several minutes. he eventually also assured me there was nothing sexual, but i was still struggling with the fact that they texted about 50 times a day for a couple of months..........is it just me?? i still don't get that. and he then admitted that he'd met her. he took the afternoon off work and met her in a pub out of town for a drink. he promises nothing happened, they didn't even kiss on the cheek, nothing. i asked why, he said he didn;t find her attractive. of course what i wanted to hear was, he couldn't do that to me, not simply that he didn't find her attractive. i can't help but wonder (obsess) what would have happened if he did find her attractive.........?
so, he stayed at his parents for a couple of weeks while i processed all this and got over the shock, he texted me all the time telling me how sorry he is, we met almost every day to talk (i'm a talker, i believe it helps enormously with the healing process) and after 2 weeks i allowed him to come home, thinking i could deal with it.
but the trust has gone. if it had been a drunken one night stand and not premediated i honestly think i could forgive him much easier. but this was premeditated, cold and calculated.
and this was not the first time, 3 months into our relationship he did something similar. i forgave him thinking he'd learned his lesson and would never ever do that ever again! i now wonder if i should have ended it there and then..........hindsight is a wonderful thing, huh? but we were so loved up, a male friend of mine convinced me it was just harmless flirting and an ego boost and something lots of people do, it's out of his system now..................
so now i'm struggling with so many aspects of this, why he did it, the money he spent (when i work overtime every week so we can do nice things) obviously the texting (during which time he didn;t text me at all saying he was really busy at work and no time to contact me.........up til then he'd at least text me every lunch time to say hey) the meeting, going back and paying for another month........oh, so much in my head.
so that's my sorry story. i'm sure people that may read this (sorry, i went on a bit) are thinking i'm a bit pathetic, it's not like he was actually physically unfaithful etc, but believe me it still hurts, and my head's all over the place.....
so, if anyone feels like giving me a good kick up the backside and telling me to get on with it (which is what i feel i should be doing but can't) or anyone else has been in this situation (or even in the same position as my husband and can shed some light on stuff) go for it! ANY advice gratefully received :-)
about a month ago i was sorting out my mother-in-laws computer, and came across some sites that had been visited......clearly by neither of my in-laws, they can barely turn the comp on! my husband is the only other person that visits (beside myself) that uses it. anyway, one of them was a married dating site. i felt sick, went cold, panicked, didn't know what to do.
so, i confronted him, he admitted he'd joined 6 months ago (it cost £119 per month..........we're struggling to pay our mortgage, that in itself hurt a lot) and then a few months later he'd paid for another months subscription. He promised me, hand on heart, looked me in the eye and swore on his beloved parents lives it hadn't gone further than messages online. i was still devastated, when we got home i realised i couldn't handle him being around and told him to leave. he went back to his parents. they are a really sweet couple and have brought him up well (if a little sheltered) and were completely shocked and devastated when he told them what he'd done.
sooooo......i couldn't sleep that night, and me being me, i couldn't leave it at that, i had to know. i dug about, got into his email, found it his old phone contract was never cancelled, i got into the online account, went back a few months and bingo. hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of texts to the same number over 2 or 3 months. no phone calls, just texts. and as far as i could see (i was in too much of a state to check properly) they were all during work hours. so i called it. after several tries a woman answered, i pretended i was after someone else, she said, no, this is ***********. gotcha. i told her who i was, she was really shocked, i told her i needed to know what happened, she said they met on that website, emailed for a few weeks then started texting. she was adamant there was nothing sexual or even that flirty going on, more like getting to know someone and building a friendship.
my brain just doesn't compute that, why would he pay all that money and be so deceitful just to be friends????
anyway, we talked for a while, she was shocked that i wasn't angry with her, i was so upset i couldn't get angry, anyway, i was on a fact finding mission and i would do my anger later. she said they never ever mentioned me, she just assumed we'd been married forever and he was in the same situation as her, bored and no longer in love.
in actual fact. we had only been married 3 years when he did this, together 6, just bought our first house and had a great life, doing lots of fun things and going to gigs (music is our shared passion) and i thought, had a fabulous and loving relationship. he is extremely loving and cuddles me all the time, tells me he loves me every day, i had no reason to think we weren't blissfully happy.
his profile on that site said, among many other things, he was bored with the way things have become and he wants some excitement. the couple of very close friends i have told were gobsmacked by this, they both said they and their husbands were always so envious of our relationship and the things we did (they both have small kids and can't do all those things, mine are teenagers) and the way we were so loved up and happy.
anyway, after coming off the phone i immediately called my husband and told him i'd just had a nice chat with ************, he was gobsmacked and speechless for several minutes. he eventually also assured me there was nothing sexual, but i was still struggling with the fact that they texted about 50 times a day for a couple of months..........is it just me?? i still don't get that. and he then admitted that he'd met her. he took the afternoon off work and met her in a pub out of town for a drink. he promises nothing happened, they didn't even kiss on the cheek, nothing. i asked why, he said he didn;t find her attractive. of course what i wanted to hear was, he couldn't do that to me, not simply that he didn't find her attractive. i can't help but wonder (obsess) what would have happened if he did find her attractive.........?
so, he stayed at his parents for a couple of weeks while i processed all this and got over the shock, he texted me all the time telling me how sorry he is, we met almost every day to talk (i'm a talker, i believe it helps enormously with the healing process) and after 2 weeks i allowed him to come home, thinking i could deal with it.
but the trust has gone. if it had been a drunken one night stand and not premediated i honestly think i could forgive him much easier. but this was premeditated, cold and calculated.
and this was not the first time, 3 months into our relationship he did something similar. i forgave him thinking he'd learned his lesson and would never ever do that ever again! i now wonder if i should have ended it there and then..........hindsight is a wonderful thing, huh? but we were so loved up, a male friend of mine convinced me it was just harmless flirting and an ego boost and something lots of people do, it's out of his system now..................
so now i'm struggling with so many aspects of this, why he did it, the money he spent (when i work overtime every week so we can do nice things) obviously the texting (during which time he didn;t text me at all saying he was really busy at work and no time to contact me.........up til then he'd at least text me every lunch time to say hey) the meeting, going back and paying for another month........oh, so much in my head.
so that's my sorry story. i'm sure people that may read this (sorry, i went on a bit) are thinking i'm a bit pathetic, it's not like he was actually physically unfaithful etc, but believe me it still hurts, and my head's all over the place.....
so, if anyone feels like giving me a good kick up the backside and telling me to get on with it (which is what i feel i should be doing but can't) or anyone else has been in this situation (or even in the same position as my husband and can shed some light on stuff) go for it! ANY advice gratefully received :-)