how do i deal with my husband staying out all night?

[Unregistered]

We've been married for about 18 months now and my husband and I have just moved house near to where his good friends live. He has an alcohol problem and is very easily lead by his friends and when he goes out with them he seems to forget he is married and stays out all night without calling me. It drives me to frustration, so much so that this morning I screamed at him and even hit him - Ive never done that before. I dont mind him seeing his friends but wish he would realise that because they are all single, he cant behave like them. All I expect is that he calls me to let me know he is safe - he says he was too drunk and forgot. This is the tip of the iceberg however, but its getting to the stage where I feel like there is nothing positive in this marriage for me. He has no parents, so theres nobody really who knows him well enough to tell him how stupid he's being, or anyone who he loves and respects enough to listen to. He doesnt seem to hear when I tell him he must stop treating me this way. we tried marriage guidance but he wouldnt stick with it - any help? Please?

[Kenneth Lane]

Hello. I am sorry that you are experiencing difficulties so early in marraige, but it is positive that you have sought assistance. You are clearly hurting, and something is coming undone in your relationship. You say that your husband 'doesn't seem to hear', but I am wondering if you are hearing him? It might be that both your expectations of marraige differ in some respects, and I get a sense that you are missing that close bond you each enjoyed - that time when you could talk about absolutely anything - and it may be that he is also missing that too.

Regarding his drinking, alcohol is usually symptomatic of a problem rather than being the problem itself. What is important is to find ways of braking this cycle, and working to reestablish that bond you once enjoyed. You can get there, but its not going to happen overnight. This time apart, when he spends time with his friends rather than with you, needs to be addressed. Perhaps a compromise would be helpful - suggesting that he limit time with these friends to certain nights - not every night! You need to talk this through properly, picking a time to talk openly with each other. (at home, or during a weekend away). Try and help him understand how you feel about what is happening, and try to hear how he is feeling. Also, be prepared for things that you don't want to hear. Rather than reacting angrily, try and understand what the real issue is. You might attempt this yourself, and then try working this through again in the presence of a marraige guidance counsellor. You both tried it once, so you might go back and discuss what has worked since, and what hasn't. If you can both be flexible and tolerant you will move forward together. Best wishes.

ken@contactmatters.co.uk