how do i cope

[katharine2712]

im trying to get my head around my husband of 3 years just walking out a few days ago saying he loved me but not sure if it enough, was confused, needed to be alone. he says he is in a rut and doesnt want to come back while he feeling this way. I had no warning of anything we were planning holidays, buying for the house, he told me he loved me that day then was gone. I want him back and feel so unhappy, cant sleep, eat or function life just seems not worth living. We seemed happy and had a good life everyone cant believe it and say he having a midlife crisis, but i just want him home cos i cant do this ,

[Raymond]

He seems to be analysing himself too much instead of thinking of you. Love is extremely important and thinks of the other. He is looking for feelings instead of just loving. Feelings always follow when you do the right thing. The right thing is to be with you. I really hope he sees that.

Raymond

[crush]

In situations like these you will never understand their reasons and it will drive you mad trying. Unless you h is prepared to sit down with you and discuss his feelings etc you will not find the answers. It is always extremely hard when it happens out of the blue and the shock is immense. My h did the same to me, I thought everything was fine and like you had planned holidays etc. He just came home from work one day and told me he was leaving me, he did have ow though. That was nearly 5 months ago and I promise you it does get easier in time.

Do you suspect he has someone else only to leave that quickly and to leave the security of a home etc is always suspicious in my mind. It does complicate matters if there is someone else around as no matter what you try to say to them they don't want to listen.

Maybe it is just time alone, do you have kids? If this is all he wants and you can give it to him then maybe he will come to his senses but you must come to realise that people do leave for a reason and it is usually because someone else is in the background.

Keep posting on here and hopefully you will find answers. Rant all you need to it really does help.

[katharine2712]

He is friends with a lady at work. She flirts with all the men but he says their is nothing going on between them she does text him jokes iv seen them but he admits he fancies her just recently but promises that nothing has ever happenedx He is adament it is independence he wants as he is confused. i beleive nothing has happened with them as he never been away from me accept work. he was married before and then me but never had any girlfriends or ladies apart from us he a very shy person i wonder if the flirting has gone to his head and maybe he feels guilty cos her fancies her. He was just so loving and caring till the minute he left. Everyone cant understand him and says he doesnt seem himself. We have two children one each from previous marriages. This is killing me iJust want to end it and not wake up.

[Raymond]

You are not alone in this Katharine. Lots on here have gone through or are going through what has happened to you.

Crush could be barking up the right tree. A lot of times it turns out to be another woman when that was not apparent at the beginning. Hopefully not.

You say he doesn't want to come back while he is feeling this way. Hopefully that is all that it is. I would try and get accross that it doesn't matter how he feels and that he is welcome home whatever he feels like. Marriage is bigger than that. There will be plenty of time to work through what he is going through.

You do need to talk through together about what is happening. You are owed that.

This may be helpful in some aspects read this article (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=2&emc=eta1)

Raymond

[Rabbit In Headlights]

Huge hugs Katherine, I like you have just had the same thing happen to me, been married twenty three years and he is gone, wont speak to me, just txts, its breaking my heart but I just trying to play the long game at the moment and hope once he has had some space he will realise he wants to be with me!

[katharine2712]

Thanks for the replies some moments i feel i can cope iv sent texts to say he can come back and we will makes changes not had a reply yetx at mo feel just despair and so scared of being alone x all i want is him to come homex Iv been given sleeping tablets and anti depressants how much more can i take to make it stop hurting x I feel a wreck as if im some horrible person that no one wants any morex the one person who can make it better isnt here x Trying to be coping but cant get head around anything just want to cry and wait indoors all the time in case he comes back or calls x

[Rabbit In Headlights]

It is very hard, I know, Im stuck in the same place as you! It takes a good few weeks for anti-depressants to start working anyway so dont give up taking them. My only way of coping is keep finding myself stuff to do, have you got a job? Im in the process of trying to find myself one after being at home for two and half years as agreed with OH :mad: and my confidence is a bit wobbly but Im trying. Its the only thing that keeps my mind off the mess Im in, that and spending time with my animals.

[katharine2712]

I work from home but am off at mo for two weeksx Maybe ill go out to work instead in time just want to stay in at mo and not do anything just sitting sround is hard enoughx it a good idea to keep busy i guess so keep it upx dnt think im at that place yet just getting up is hard enoughx What animals do u have? Im hoping he will change his mind like u and after some space come backx Its the waiting thats killing me x

[Rabbit In Headlights]

I might only be a few days ahead of you hun, and probably just as confused, I have all my friends screaming shut him out of your accounts and effectively scr*w the barst*ward but I dont have a job and if I piddle him off and he cuts up nasty, not that I think he will, I stand to lose a lot most of all my beautiful horse who after the last couple of weeks I'd rather spend time with than him.. I also have a little cat she adored my H and is crying all the time which is breaking my heart cos I cant explain to her why! Chin up try and get your head round something else rather than him, I find I only get upset and in a pickle when I spend to much brain space on him and I dont imagine he is wasting too much on me!

[crush]

There is always a reason they leave, and most of the time it is because they attentions are focused elsewhere, why leave a comfortable home and a w etc if there was nothing better that they think they need. It is so hard and am so sorry for you but you must focus on yourself, easier said than done I know but it is so important that you try. Let him go for now at least, do not contact him or beg him it will only drive him further away. You have to ask yourself as hard as it may be but if he really loves you why would he chose to go? I am sorry if I sound harse but am trying to be realistic.

I have spent nearly 5 months waiting for my h to return and 3 weeks ago he did try but by then I was stronger, never thought I would be believe me. I would not have him back and told him to be on his own for a while, of course he could not do this so he went back to ow. How glad am I that I did not let me in.

I do hope things work out for you in the way you hope but it does not always work like that and you must find the strength to make your own decisions in this matter as you deserve better than what he is doing to you right now. Love does not allow the other person to destroy another no matter how you try to justify it. It is so hard to believe that they can treat you in this way, but they do and you have to try to accept that your life must go on with or without them.

Keep posting it really does help, even if some of the post are not what you want to hear it may just give you food for thought and enable you to find the answers within yourself and not waiting for h to make the choices for you.

[katharine2712]

thanks for all the posts it is comforting to not feel so alonex im sat here cant sleep eat and cant stop thinking about everythingx I feel it is all my fault why be so loving and normal then just walk away, i cant find anything to have seen this coming. i miss him so much and want him home i couldnt beleive anything could hurt like this just keep asking why x I feel im just sat here day after day waiting for him to come back or ring x

[Raymond]

Don't blame yourself Katharine. It is not your fault. Time will tell what the reason is. It could be anything.

Crush is right. You need to make a life for yourself in the interim period. You have been dealt a hard blow but not to the extent where you are finished for life. It will take time to heal. If I did the same thing and my wife folded I would feel very wary in coming back. I would feel that she is completely dependant on me and that would be quite frightening. Each of us have life in ourselves and the relationship is both of us contributing and sharing the benefits of the relationship. You were your own woman when you met him and you need to discover again a little of that. It would make you far more attractive to come back to believe me.

Raymond

[Sugarplum]

thanks for all the posts it is comforting to not feel so alonex im sat here cant sleep eat and cant stop thinking about everythingx I feel it is all my fault why be so loving and normal then just walk away, i cant find anything to have seen this coming. i miss him so much and want him home i couldnt beleive anything could hurt like this just keep asking why x I feel im just sat here day after day waiting for him to come back or ring x


It's not your fault in anyway, You have probably examined every aspect of your life together.....did I do/not do this or that? did I show him enough love? the list is endless and we keep torturing ourselves over something we have no control over. The problem lies with your Husband it's a decision he has made, he could have been mulling it over for quite a while but not able to pluck up the courage to explain how he was feeling about your relationship or it's more likely that there maybe someone else.
My husband told me he loved me right up to the day before he told me "I'm not in love with you anymore" and the reason I think he actually told me this was because of the other woman pushing him to tell me.

You're reacting in a perfectly normal way, I too sat and cried wiilling him to come home, wishing, hoping, praying, I didn't sleep or eat, I walked around in circles till I was exhausted asking myself "WHY" "WHY" "WHY" I didn't want to talk to anyone, my mind was completely scrambled and waking every morning was sheer torture because of another long heartbreaking day ahead.

I am now 9 weeks in and although I still miss him it is getting easier and I've had to face the fact that this is what he wanted and I cant make him love me but I have come to the conclusion that I have to forgive him so I'm not consumed with bitterness for the rest of my life...it's not an attractive emotion and will stand in the way of any future relationship that may come my way (well here's hoping) the forgivness is for me and it really has helped me in many ways.
Please beleive me when I say its not your fault, you didn't ask for this to happen and you cant control anothers thoughts, actions or emotions.

Have you got any family or good friends you can spend some time with? It really does help to get away from the marital home for a while and have others to support you and pour your heart out to. Waiting around for him is what he expects you to do and while you are doing this he has the control, do something that will give you the control back.....believe me it really throws them and he is more likely to get intouch if you've thrown a spanner in the works.

I really feel for you as do so many on here who have been through the same emotional turmoil, you are not alone and although at the moment you probably feel like it's the end of the world......It really isn't, it will work itself out one way or another and you will be happy again.
Hugz Sugarplum.

[crush]

I completely agree with Sugarplum here, I have been through the same emotions and it is not your fault, it is his. His problem to deal with and ultimately live with. In time you will get control back and life will get easier but you do have to give it time and cope in the best way you know how.

Take care

[katharine2712]

I know what you are saying is right but i cant find it in me to stop the waiting at the mox You are so right sugarplum each morning is torture they worse than nights i thinkx My family are good I have a son in germany he came over for a couple of days when it happened but had to go back as wife has new baby x My youngest is 14 she trying hard but i dnt want to put on herx I have a friend who has been a rock but none of this takes the pain awayx Im so glad for the ones of you that are moving on it makes it seem hopeful that one day this will ease but at mo living in the moment scared to go out in case i miss himx Not that hes called it was me calling himx Trying not to now xIm absolutly dreading the weekend as i think he may try and get some more stuff hes left loads at home x I want to see him but not watch him taking more things away x It will killl me i thinkx I dnt know how to cope all i do is drink tea and wait x This helps a little but then it always there x So tempted just to take a load of pills and go to sleep to shut it out x

[Raymond]

Katharine it will get easier. Sugarplum, Rabbit and Crush have been where you are and know. The present situation may not be final anyway. You really have to hope for the best but it is very wise to be ready for the worst as well. Thats where you are now. You can only go up from here, even facing the worst. If they can do it you can do it. It was very unfair on them as well. Things do not stop still. Your healing will gradually be happening without you realising it at first but you can help this by trying to look at the positive.

On my calender for today it says don't look at what you lost but look at what you have left. You must try and do that.

Raymond

[katharine2712]

I no your right raymond but i cant do this anymore , i want out , not coping at all . the hurt is unbeleivable, i am grateful to this site it is giving me a reason to stay a little sane everyone is so caring. thank you all . i just want to ring him and keep begging him to come home but i said it all already it up to hime now i guess hopefully he willx just keep waiting at mo i guess i feel lower each day and dnt want to go out or anything how do u find the way to deal with this

[Rabbit In Headlights]

Just get the next chore done, thats how I cope! Ive also been reading quite a bit, there are several good books out there on relationship issues, Im reading Relationship Rescue at the moment. Ok I might not be able to rescue my marriage and as each day goes by I doubt I will even more, but I need to have some dignity in how I deal with him, if all I can manage is to show him leaving me is his loss well all the better. He is taking a big risk that if he doesnt like things on his own (he does at the moment) that I will be there waiting for him and I want to be, but like the others I dont know where I will be in two or three months time. I have a lovely grown up son and I dont want to behave in any manner that would make him uncomfortable being with me or his dad. Write yourself a big list of chores that need doing we all have the things we have put off for ages, and start working your way through them. You will feel better for doing something constructive I promise you.. my triump today was sorting the broken washing machine out!

[katharine2712]

I tried to do something today , was tidying bedroom and found his wedding ring in my jewelery box . why would he be so cruel to do that. It suddenly all feels so much worse . cant talk anymore at mo

[Rabbit In Headlights]

Try not to take it personally, it wasnt done on purpose he just didnt think and I know that him not thinking that you might find it hurts just as much.. I was doing the accounts yesterday and found out H had paid a letting agency to do references for him, that sent me reeling for a while.

[katharine2712]

My h phoned today and said he needed to come and collect more stuff papers and clothes etc i said not today as cldnt face him. He wasnt very happy and slammed the phone down. How am i going to cope when he does come cos i no ill go to pieces. This is so hard and i think he doesnt realise how painfull it is going to be to see him its only been a few days why cant he understand i need some time before he comes to house. I guess im trying to put off the inevitable but i cant cope with all this the pain is unbearable. Any ideas on how to deal with this next step? I worry he will take our furniture too a bit early to be thinking about it i no, but i want it all to stop and nothing to change except him coming home.

[Sugarplum]

Katharine, would it not be possible for you to box his things up and have them ready near the front door when he comes to pick them up? Maybe either have a friend or a family member with you while he's there or even get a mutual friend/family to take his things to him. If he does have to come then make it as brief as possible, if your making the desicions it's giving you back some control.
My H came to the house last Sunday to pick his (boxed up by me) things while I was in London having a nice weekend with my daughter, my son was at the house and helped him carry things to the car. I knew that if I'd have been there I'd have dissolved into tears and done some begging which wouldn't be of any use, it would have just pushed him further away. He actually phoned me when he'd loaded the car up to thank me for packing his things and we went on to have quite a pleasant conversation, it may have only been for 5 minutes but was a big improvement from previous phone calls/meetings.

Let him have his personal things but whatever you do make sure he doesn't remove any furniture from your home........he's the one walking away so why make things easy on him by letting him furnish his new place while you have to suffer. My H has been donated bits and peices of unwanted furniture from family members and bought things from charity shops. The only new thing he bought new was a mattress (which is understandable) to put on the second hand bed base.

Katharine it will be hard whichever way you handle this but try to stay calm and keep control wherever you can, keep contact to a minimum for now, show him that your stronger than he wants you to be and that you can cope (even though you're falling to bits inside) don't let him bully you into doing anything you don't feel is right.

We are here for you and totally understand what your going through, take the support wherever you can get it but most of all stand your ground.

Hugz Sugarplum

[Raymond]

I agree with everything sugarplum has said. He comes when you are good and ready. You are in control. He left. I think it is a great idea that he comes when you have friends with you who understand. You don't even have to see him if you can't handle it. You could be in another room somewhere while your friend sorts him out and protects your privacy. It seems you need this right now so let it be that way. He comes by appointment only just now.

Raymond

[katharine2712]

That sounds good advice i will make him wait till nxt week when i feel more hopefully stronger and will do as you suggest, friend and box . This sight feels like my best friend at the mo thank you all of you i hope i can help you one day when feel stronger . This weekend feels the worse at the mo i just cant leave the house . im supposed to be helping my daughter move house tomorrow but i dont think i can do it. I cant get any further than what is happening all the time its on my mind . Did you all feel that way? Even having a wash or getting dressed is becoming an effort.

[Sugarplum]

Oh believe me Katharine when I say I actually prayed and prayed, beggged and pleaded with God to let me go to sleep and never wake up again. I felt like life wasn't worth living without H in it but one day last week I put things into perspective.......It's a marriage break-up and if I had to choose between that or something bad happening to one of my children then I would choose H going everytime. Life is going to change for me and for you but it will be whatever you want it to be.
I'm 9 weeks into this now and although I still love him (probably will for a long time to come) and sleep with his bathrobe (it still has his scent on it) I'm finding I'm not needing the comfort of holding it all night anymore, hopefully soon I'll feel strong enough to hand it over to him.

You need to get out of the house and around other people because if you dont get a grip on it now you will just sink further and further, it's going to end up causing more heartbreak on those that love and care about you.
I used to go everywhere with my H and weekends are especially hard because I dont drive, I miss his companionship the days out, the feel of his hand in mine as we strolled along. I am now looking into joining a rambling group so my weekends are filled and I will be around others, hopefully I'll make some new friends along the way.
Try to look forward for yourself and fill your time with the things you like to do (dont think couple think self) think of things that you used to enjoy pre-H and maybe take them up again.

Most of all keep talking to whoever will listen as it really helps to get things off your chest, people have some really good ideas and opinions and if they ask you to go for a night out say yes (it's hard at first because you just want to stay at home and grieve) go and try to enjoy it.

Hugz Sugarplum x

[Helen_uk]

You know what ? The brilliant thing about this site is watching people get stronger . Sugarplum is right in what she says.

Your H made the decision to leave and now, even though you're not feeling strong and are devastated by his actions , you have to think about what's best for you. If you don't feel able to face him, then he will have to wait. If he won't , then he will have to either fetch his things at a convenient time for you, when you can arrange to be out and have someone there in place of you, or you pack them for him and have someone take them to him.

Sometimes it's as if the person who has left is so wrapped up in what they want they choose to forget there is a very hurt person left behind who also has feelings. From now on you have to consider your own feelings paramount to his.

Sugarplum, you've come so far in 9 short weeks and here you are now able to pass on some sound advice , learned from your own experience that life does go on.

Helen xx

[Rabbit In Headlights]

Stand your ground a little Katherine, set what rules you need to get your head round things. I had OH around today and although things are pleasant when he is here as Im determined not to fall apart and behave like my life is ended in front of him, I did say whoa, youre not doing that as you are not taking my house apart as fast as you have taken my life apart I need something to hold onto and when I am ready we can sort that.. He did take it well because I had put it nicely but firmly.. Keep posting getting your feelings out is the best therapy cos sometimes when you type things just rereading things may give you insight into where/what you want to go! Its still very early days for you, Im now into my 4th months of it all being up in arms, and now looking back I wasted two and half of them trying to get him back (he was living here still) when actually giving myself a swift boot up the butt and getting on without him has actually caught his attention more.. Lots of hugs and cuddles and try to muster up enough courage to go help your daughter tomorrow even if for a few hours it will do you good and give you encouragement. x

[katharine2712]

Thank you all again for your help. Im not going to see him until nxt and then only if i feel up to it x i still cant go out but going to try tmrw to help my daughter move in am. Dont no if it was a sane thing to do today but i had locks changed on door as i dont want him to walk in unannounced and not know he coming so will feel like **** it makes me feel a little in control. now iv done it i feel really guilty . why can they make us feel as if all our fault. sugarplum you have been so brave and doing so well iv read your threads a couple of times now. mayber one day ill feel hope again and be able to offer advice to others who have suffered . at mo each day is a real struggle im scared to do anything to sort finances etc as that feels like all my hope will have gone. love k

[crush]

It always gets worse before it gets better I'm afraid. You just get through each day the best you can. I am finally going back to work myself next week after nearly 5 months. When my h left I thought I would never work again, no interest, not able to concentrate. But now I want to go back and need to. I hate myself for allowing him to control my emotions in the way he has done.

I know how hard it is for you right now but do promise you it will get easier and you will be posting threads on here in the weeks to follow saying just that - trust me. You do have to think of yourself and not look back as a couple. It is hard, I still do it especially if I see friends who are all married etc and I always feel the odd one out and sometimes it does make me feel very sad. My friends have kept me sane through all of this I know that but ultimately you only have yourself to pick you up.

I have gone through the feelings of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I have even got my kids to school and come home and got back into bed and cried myself to sleep, I have done this more than once. I have had no interest in anything including eating, I lost over a stone in weight and I could not afford to do so. You will start to feel anger a bit down the line at the way in which you have been treated and the fact that it is all directed at you being your fault, when it so obviously isn't. Once you can get to this stage the strength will follow then you will not put up with their attitudes and demands and you can start to take control over your life once more and think how empowered you will feel.

Take care x

[Raymond]

You are entitled to get the locks changed Katharine. He is the one that has left and has created this situation. It will get the point across on what he has done, not that you did it for that. It will give you that control so that he cannot just swan in just now. As time goes on you will be better able to cope. You have to do what you need to just now.

Raymond

[huting]

im sorry you are hurting like u r, i know how u feel as many people on here do. i cry all of the time and i am still with my h. (please read my posts) ask him if you can make it work? why he feels in a rut, and what you can do together to get out of the rut. i have always believed in telling your partner if there is a problem in the hopes that you can sort it out. i hope it works out for you. if he doesnt want to talk, perhaps dont text or phone him, be out if he phones etc. wear make up, let him know what hes missing out on.

[katharine2712]

thank you all again for the helpful advice . it makes such a difference knowing someone else understands im so lucky i have a very supportive family and some wonderful friends who have been there but talking on here seems better somehow as most of you have been there or are in the middle of it .yesterday h came home to collect some things he sent his son who still lives with me in and asked him to do clothes and i let h into garage to get tools for his bike we were civil for a few words. then i left and went upstairs and saw his stuff being put into bags and lost control i told his son that he needed to tell h to go now as couldnt cope i think that was the worse monent yet . afterwards i went upstairs and just looked at all the empty space in drawers and wardobe , it was horrible dont think iv cried so much as the day he left. i keep going over and over wondering what i did that was so bad that he couldnt talk to me and give me a chance to put us on the right track again. how can he love me in the morning and be gone in the afternoon. i asked him the other day on phone if he tht he was having a midlife crisis he said yes but that doesnt help me and him at this moment . i wonder everyday if hes going to come back. i cant see much point in anything any more. im only survuving cos i have too i even told my youngest 14 to go live with her brother cos i didnt want to be here anymore i felt bad abt that but i cant see a future or even how do i get through tmrw . the pain is so intense im scared to be alone in the house as its worse then . i wish i could wake up and it all be a bad dreamx thank you for the time to listen to me

[Sugarplum]

I know how you feel Katharine about the empty spaces where his things used to be. I'd boxed them in advance of being picked up but it still really hurt putting all his clothes and personal bits and pieces in those boxes (must admit they were sprinkled with plenty of tears) but while they were there stacked up in the bedroom it still felt like there was some chance of him coming back to me. H came for them while I was away and the first thing I did when I got home was run upstairs look at the empty space and bawled my eyes out because at that moment it became all too real.
That was my turning point I decided that I could let the grief consume me and eventually grind me down (which I think is what H expected of me) or I could get my self respect back and show him he isn't my sole reason for being, I can and will survive (so all my things now reside in what was his side of the wardrobe and drawers........at least now my clothes come out looking as good as they went in there because they aren't squished into a small space...lol

Try not to blame yourself for this, I know it's hard because you want to find some rhyme or reason to why things happened the way they have...it's not your fault you did nothing bad for him to not want to talk to you....they dont want to talk because it means opening up and letting you in and the more you try the more they clam up. You have to let him go and if he finds further down the line that love is still there for him then one day (if you want it by then) he will be willing to talk about things and make attempts at reconcilliation.

My H wouldn't talk about our failed marriage, he didn't want to put it back on track (this was because he loved OW) he flatly refused any suggestions that we seek councelling so my guess would be that your H has feelings for someone else......if someone had told me a week before all this happened that my H was having an emotional affair I would have laughed in their faces because I wouldn't have believed it possible that this loving, loyal family man could do something so awful.

Katharine if you feel scared to be alone in the house then get someone in the family to stay over with you or go and stay over with them, it's not a good time for you to be totally by yourself and i'm sure everyone understands.
Every morning when I first wake up I look over at his side of the bed because I think it's been a bad dream then I realise this is it.....it's real and makes me more determined to keep pushing forwards because todays another day and you know what?.........I'm sick and tired of crying over a man that doesn't love or deserve me anymore. I have my kids and if I had to choose between him coming back or somethiing happening to one of them then I'd choose my kids a thousand times over him.
Keep your chin up Katharine as hard as I know it is, but just take baby steps and before too long you'll be feeling as though life is worth the living.
Hugz Sugarplum x

[katharine2712]

Thanks sugar plum for the post . iv got my daughter here but she needs to go out and do stuff. she been brill. I beleive him when he says there no one else as he not been out anywhere without me cept work he lets me see his phone not that im checking up just he didnt hid it . that what so hard to understand it was all just normal happy times , with i love u , hugs , kisses , plans for future, holidays and then nothing and was gone why would he buy xmas pressies a few days b4 then go .It keeps going round and round . i cant seem to get anywhere cant move forward just stuck in this horrible limbo world. i put on weight so maybe he didnt fancy me anymore . he said at first weight wasnt a prob then he said it worried him for my health was trying to lose wieght but very slowly it makes me feel as if i some freak now that doesnt deserve anyone ,whose going to like me if the one person that said loved me didnt. not that i want anyone else. i keep waiting for him to change his mind . im not phoning or begging anymore as that just will push him away i think im giving him his space to sort out his confusion as he wants . maybe he will wake up and decide it all a mistake when he living alone and he always said he hated that idea and loved having a family and being married. sorry for the rant just good to talk i guess . i just keep saying why why us . iwant it to go back to how it was b4 . keep strong kxx

[Sugarplum]

The thing is Katharine you say you want things to go back to how it was before, things will never be the same even if you do get back together, this situation will be with you forever and you'll always have that element of doubt. The trust and respect you had for him will never fully return.
If you do get back together it will have to be built on brand new foundations....starting from scratch but even then that doubt from you not him will always remain.
I wished with all my heart that me and H would try again but I think things have gone too far for that now.....the longer we are apart the less likely I think things will go the way I want them to go. It's a fact that I have to face upto, whether I want to or not.
I really do hope with all my heart that things turn out the way you want.
Hugz Linda xx

[crush]

I know exactly where you are coming from, when my h cleared his clothes out it was just vile and I would open up the wardrobe and look at the empty space and it all then seems so real. I have since cleared out all the things he left behind and that did feel empowering to me that I was doing it and not him. As sugarplum says if someone had told me a week before it all happened I also would not have believed them it would have seemed so ridiculous but now........ I have said before they usually leave for a reason and that can mean ow. I never thought mine had the chance to find someone else but he managed it somehow. They lie and cheat and deceive you to their advantage then they have the nerve to blame you for them doing it. Don't get sucked into any of it it is not your fault.

When my h came back a few ago after leaving ow we did talk a lot, but I knew deep in my heart that I would never forgive him for what he has done to me and our children and even if we started from scratch it would be so hard to form a solid relationship again. The trust I had for him has gone and can never be replaced. It is scary to think that we are now alone and having to rebuild our lives but we all deserve so much more than to be constantly looking over our shoulders or worrying who they are texting etc. We deserve love and respect and one day we will experience it all again. We just need time to heal and come to terms with lot life has now to offer us.

Good luck and stay strong.

[huting]

how are you feeling today katherine? i do hope everything works out for you. im rooting for you. the advice i have found useful, not saying easy but useful. do stuff for yourself, give him his space, you can not change or control his actions only your own. so when he comes around, act like you dont care, be out when he comes round or phones. pretend hes not the centre of your universe...even though he his.

live for you, be happy for you. wishing you happiness xxx

[Raymond]

We still haven't got a reason for the walkout Katharine or how serious it is. Was there anyway he could have had an online affair? Just checking.

Apart from that he seems to be going through a crisis. Can he not work it out at home if it is not another woman? It may be worth leaving that invitation although he may not listen. Things will probably have to change from before but maybe that will be a good thing.

Raymond

[nix192]

my story is very simular to loads on here after 21 years and 9 times leaving us, this time it feels a thousand times worse as he has someone else and is moving 4hours away from his children to be with her.
im slowly coming to realise that this time its for good.hes still been messing with my emotions letting me believetheres still hope in us getting back together but today ive realised that hes either playing games to keep his options open or he is too weak to tell me outright theres no hope.
even though i have days when i feel life is not worth living without him for my childrens sake ive got to pick myself up and move on.i still cant face hearing about there wonderfull lifetogether and ive aked him as the mother of his children would they not rub my face in it(she seems to enjoy posting all about thier wonderfull life on facebook, aswell as calling me horrid names.) apparently shes very insecure owing to him coming back to me so many times.

it will be a long time before i get over this but i am taking 1 day at a time.i seem not as bad when i dont hear from him but as we have children its only natural we talk. and after speaking to him i always feel deverstated all over again.im hoping when he moves there in a couple of weeks we dont have as much contact,then perhaps things will get easier.

[katharine2763]

hi its katharine2712 how do i cope have had to registr as katharine2763 cos had problems logging in

[katharine2763]

i spoke to a relitive yesterday he now says he still in love withx of 4 yrs ago she happy with new man and has little boy so not interested in h . he also says im fat. that what he told our relitive i dnt know what to beleive anymore i feel a thousand times worse than b4 . h never once mentoned this to me we seemed so happy whay do i do now i feel so very unhappy and want this pain to go away. iv told him he can cm home and we can work it out but he wont

[katharine2763]

Iv wrote h a letter yesterday as we still not talked so still have no real idea why only bits and pieces from other people . he not replyed yet sent by email. why do weekends seem worse they just seem a long endless time . we would have done everything together i wonder does he miss me. iv left the door open to him to come back if he wants. that what i said in letter to him. im all done in now cant look forward seem to have mind in past all the time . what now?

[katharine2712]

I seem to be coping with sleeping tablets and anti depressents. but life seems one long hole in fron t of me. your support has been a godsend. does my life have no meaning any more i live in the past cant see a future. friends and family have been good sometimes feel they think i shld be over this now and moving on probably my imagination cos of stae im in. always i iam hopefull he will come back every doorbell or phone call did anyone else feel like that. just had in laws around they were pleasant but kept saying they didnt want to take sides understandible . they tell me he not been out just walking, and at his sisters . why can he be so carefree i can hardly function. i wonder does he feel anything miss me cos we used to spend all out weekends together and now im sat here with no one . i want to feel normal again i thought it would get easier but just seems harder each day .thanks for listening x

[Sugarplum]

Katharine all the thoughts and feelings that you are going through are completely natural, I can empathise and identify with every single thing your saying, even down to the in-laws and my family not wanting to take sides.

I too e-mailed my H yesterday...it was nothing about our relationship, I was just letting him know his contact lenses had been delivered and did he want me to leave them with his mum or did he want to pick them up from home (I think me referring to our house as home may have made him a bit antsy lol) but thats not my problem because although he has his own place I refer to it as his house and here as home. As yet I am still awaiting a reply from him.

All I can say is let the tears flow when you need to as they are very theraputic. You will live in the past (I still do) you will never erase the weekends and happy times together but keep in mind they are just as ingrained into his memory as they are in yours. When I get down I picture my H sitting in his house in the evenings all alone thinking of all the holidays, births of our children, parties, Christmas, loving words and gestures, snuggling up watching movies on the couch, etc....In a way it helps me to do this because although when he's in front of me or on the phone he has this cold detached exterior I'm sure when he's alone he must let his defences down (even if its just for a few minutes) after all they are still human and they loved us once and may still do deepdown but can't cope with it anymore.

You have told him the door is always open for his return, my H knows this too but I only told him once because to keep saying it may push him further, he also knows I love him deeply but I will not lower myself to keep telling him because it makes me look needy. They are not stupid men and they know what they are doing and exactly what they are putting us through but they remain totally self absorbed in attaining their goals and seeking out that greener grass.

I do know that if my H were to come back it would take a lot of therapy and trust building and I'm not sure I could cope with it the way I feel at the moment. I'll admit I do cry for himto come back in the wee small hours, then I pull myself together and think...Tomorrow is another day and I just pray for the strength to get through it and for God to keep helping me to forgive him for what he's done to me and my children.

Much Hugz Katharine, keep putting one foot in front of the other Hun, things will start to look brighter a bit at a time (I promise) xxx Sugarplum

[katharine2712]

thanks sugar plum that was much needed. i managed to go to town today with my daughter and buy school stuff . It was a big effort but i did it . I agree not to say anymore to him now iv said all i can and he knows he welcome home . Just feels that is what im waiting for all the time. Heard from inlaws that he just sits at thier house watch tv and goes to bed although apparently he did go for long walk today by himself hope he thinking about what hes done but still no phone call so i guess not. i agree sugar plum he must think something when by himself and remember all the good times . Why wont he just come back then.it gets so unbearable at times i feel like ending it all . so scared of the thought of my life alone till i die . only want him really not anyone else. I am so unhappy sat here yet when i go out i just want to come back again it crazy does anyone else get this feeling . keep strong and love to all k

[Rabbit In Headlights]

cuddle Katherine I know how hard it is, you so want them to see sense but common sense doesnt seem available to them at the moment.. we could have a lovely lifestyle, especially if I went back to work but he'd rather pick the crap one just because he can at the moment! its like dealing with a spoilt boy of fourteen.. Keep your chin up Katherine x

[katharine2712]

Hi there, thank you for cuddles rabbit in headlights it helps to no someone else is out there . family are supportive but dont really understand. found out today that stepson is going to live with h when he gets new place it was expected but it was still a shock makes it seem even more real. i keep hoping he will change his mind and come home. i feel so lonely like someone has changed my whole life with out my sayso as if i didnt get a choice which i guess i didnt. what next he has taken my life from me how do you cope with that. i dont know what to do about furniture and stuff cos im expecting him to ask for some of it when he gets new place wrecks my life and now will wreck my home. i cant afford to replace furniture etc if he takes any what do rest do in that situation. i seem on auto pilot one minute just getting through day and the next am in pieces . thinking of you all k

[katharine2712]

just found out today he has rented a flat . his son is moving in with him in two weeks . it seems more permanent now im hoping that he will hate being by himself and realise it was all a mistake. still dnt no what to do about furniture i want to be friendly and not fight cos i want him back. i thought i was doing ok today went out for day with family then found out about flat now it all caving in on me i just go from wanting him home to wanting to beg him to come back on any terms i havnt done that yet. when does it get easier or stop hurting . my time with him has been the happiest of my life i cant take it not being any more.

[Sugarplum]

Katharine I urge you not to beg or plead with your H as this will not have the desired effect. All you will succeed in doing is pushing him further away and strengthening his resolve. Let him go and he will soon realise living without you is not a life, just merely existing...he will have to do all the mundane things in life (which normally fall to the women in the relationship) like washing, ironing, dishes, food shopping and preparation etc and we all know that *most* men have had no or very little experience in running a home. So let him have his space and time. At first it will be a novelty and he will probably feel quite good but as time goes on he will soon see the grass is definately not greener an start yearning for normality and the loving wife he tossed aside.
Is your H still paying all the bills/mortgage for the marital home? My H is paying for now and I suppose I have to be grateful for that. It does mean that money will be quite tight for him until he decides if and when the time is right to sell the house. I hope it doesn't come to this but have to ready myself for the day just incase.
As for the funiture being taken by him to furnish his new place you have to stand firm, let him take things that were previous to your marriage but that is all. Any furnishings that were bought for the house stay with the house and yourself.....if you let him take things then your the one that will suffer and why should you when you've done nothing wrong. He will have to buy stuff from a secondhand/charity shop or have cast offs donated by family and friends. My H has done just that even though he knows we have a 3 piece suite, television and dining table in the conservatory that are rarely used and would have had little effect on us had he taken them.
I think what I'm trying to say is make things as difficult for him as possible because this was of HIS choosing NOT YOURS!
I know your feeling crushed and hurt, I was bawling last night due to Hs indifferent attitude. The last entry on my thread will explain further if you want to take a look.
Keep your chin up and look at the sky....don't look down at that floor and all the rubbish that lies there because you are worth so much more. The down days are there but try to reflect on things that make you feel good (it could be something as little as how good that cuppa tastes first thing in the morning)
Just know that there's myself and all the other loving people on here who are experiencing the exact things your going through and we can draw on eachothers strengths to help us get through the dark days.
Love and hugz Sugarplum xxx

[Rabbit In Headlights]

Katherine I know exactly how you feel I was on a high thursday and came down to earth with a great splat when he told me he had got a flat and was moving in next week.. I suspect he is gonna get a bit stroppy about money now as he has our family home to pay for too.. Have to agree with you that maybe now is the time he will really feel on his todd for the first time.. H has been living with his brother who although would drive a saint barmy has been company, but once in his own place he will be very much alone.. I have had a crap weekend really because I let it all get to me, I miss him so much and not seeing my childhood sweetheart for days on end and him obviously not giving a t*ss about seeing/missing/talking to me hurts me to the core. Just take one day at a time hun and keep posting x

[katharine2712]

thank you for all of your thoughts. i went back to work this week , got tablets from doctor i thought i was doing ok then i needed to call h about a house matter and couldnt get hold of him that was then it all came crashing down i worried he had gone to meet someone and all these thought s kept going through my head and the pain is unbearable when does it stop hurting. i dnt want to feel like this anymore what have i done to deserve this . i am fat and think if only i never got like this he would still be here as he said that was the reason he didnt fancy me anymore. I keep praying and hoping he will come home the thought that hes got somewhere to live now makes it so much harder whens the happy ending. surely hes got to feel something and realise that hes throwing away so much. sorry for rambling k

[Sugarplum]

Katharine just because a person puts weight on should not mean the their partner will fall out of love with them....I actually lost 4 stone before my H left me and I don't think my weight was even an issue with him, he loved me fat and he loved me after my weight loss. He still left me for OW who by the looks of it is about the same shape/build as me, the only difference between us is she's 61 and blonde (bottle no doubt....lol) I'm 50 and brunette. It's only a very shallow person who would use weight as an excuse to end a relationship and as you said your H was a loving and caring man before all this started so it doesn't sound as if thats the problem. You are not to blame for the way he is now, it's a choice he made and beating yourself up about it wont do you any good nor will trying to lose weight now he has gone.......If you want to lose weight do it to make yourself feel better and not to try and entice him back and if he mentions any weight loss to you just thank him and let him know it's NOT for HIS benefit.
Anyway I think most women should learn to love their curves, it's a happy positive persona that normal (not the vain and shallow ones) men go for, if you can learn to love yourself and be confident in the skin your in then that gives out the vibes that say I'm lovable and fanciable. Just being slim doesn't automatically make the opposite sex fancy you there's plenty of miserable skinny women out there you know, slim is not the gateway to happiness.
I too started back at work today and it's the first time I've had to face everyone since my H walked out. Everyone was so understanding and supportive and I know that if I need to take a moment away from the job (I work in a primary school) then the staff room is always there for me to stop and recharge and nothing negative will be said.
Keep that lovely face (include a smile)looking straight ahead and keep ploughing on....no-one will think any the worse of you for getting on with your life, you have to keep going and look after yourself because if H has a change of heart you don't want him returning home to a miserable wreck of a wife now do you?
Chin up hun...megga hugz to you (just wish I could give you a real hug) and remember you are beautiful both in body and mind.....xxxxx

[Helen_uk]

True love sees with the heart and not with the eyes....

I read that somewhere and whoever wrote it , I applaud them.

If someone loves you they should love the whole you , not just the bit on the outside.....


Hugs

Helen

[nix192]

katharine

when my husband left i too worried he had left as i felt fat and repulsive but even though while we were together he told me i should lose weight for health reasons i still felt that he must feel disgusted when he looked at me,i wouldnt go anywere with him incase any of his friends saw us and felt sorry for him etc.
having recently found out he has been seeing someone else for the last 8 months,i couldnt help myself and looked her up on facebook i was totally surprised to see that she was about the same size as me.
in the last year since hes been gone ive lost about 5 stone(still a few more to go).
i feel so much better as i did it for me,hes since asked why i didnt do it when he asked me to,but i feel so good that ive got so far by doing it just for me and no one else.
i always used to belive that if i lost weight he would fancy me again but infact any feelings he had for me have gone since he met her no matter what i do.
dont beat yourself up about being overweight,if you want to lose some do it for yourself.

[katharine2712]

x is moving nxt week to own place im worried he will ask for furniture and i cant afford to buy new stuff. i feel he left so he has to start agin not me. maybe this will be wake up call and he will come back . cant seem to get round that hope all the time. i found out he has been to dinner with female colleague from work 2 times now ,he says they just friends nothing more just someone to talk to. this is killing me now . Feel like ending it all whats the point anymore . tried to do me things and had hair done been going out etc but just want to come home and cry and wait for a text or phone call . some days it feels like going backwards. i feel so lonley all the time even when people around me dont want to do this anymore it getting harder not easier, feel so low tonite keep reliving every part of our life that we had . sorry to rant but had to speak about how i feel to someone think friends getting fed up with me now but it only been 3 weeks cant just switch off.

[nix192]

i know exactly were your coming from,even my daughter rolls her eyes now when i mention her dad.my ex is moving 4 hours away next fri to be with his new family.ive been in the dont want to be here anymore stagemany times over the last few weeks.only last weekend he had finished with her and was coming round and talking as if there was achance we would get back together.
im tired now of wondering what if,as i said to one of my friends im sick of being on an emotional rollercoaster,its now time i got off for good before i end up sick again.
we al have the bad days but we will get good ones to,ive come to the conclusion i dont want my husband back,as he will always mess with my mind,he cant help it.i just would love his new life not to be as rosey as he thinks its going to be,then i can say i dont care get on with it.
keep your chin up,you dont deserve to feel this way and as they say what goes around comes around.xx

[katharine2712]

thanks nix it must be so hard for you with him playing these mind games. big hug.
guess what i found out today h has been having an affair a lady from work not been going on too long just a few weeks . god does this life get any better is it really worth all this. its only my kids keeping me from doing something stupid. when found out today i was angry and then horribly hurt now just feel numb.
cant believe the ow would do this to us ,and h of course, cos she had a breakdown last year and tried to kill herself when her boyfriend left her so why put me through all this, she know what it like. i could not do that to someone else. it was probably stupid but i sent her an email found it on x mailbox and asked her why she do this to me cos ahe knows what it like. feel silly now to have done it but was so angry at time .
still got his son with me said he can stay with me id understand if wants to go with h but this his home too. if he goes will be a wrench too .
where do i go from here now it all changed today a new ball game? i not sure what to do next . thanks for rant. :mad:

[nix192]

hi katharine
i know exactly how you are feeling,its not good is it? ive never hated anyone more than the ow my h is with.he cant see that she has been on facebook adding coments about there happy life together noing that our children and me can see all this,as if she is rubbing salt in our wounds.
i have to keep telling myself that with him she will soon see the real man and i hope he gives her all the hurt he put me through,his selfishness,mood swings etc.
now thats all her problem not mine,im trying to consontrate on our children and myself and you should do the same,i know its hard butyou have to show him that you will be okay without him and who knows he may realise what he has lost.thats what im hoping for myself,and if that dosent happen at least ive worked on myself in the meantime and know i will get through this without him.
keep your head up even when all you want to do is crawl away somewhere and die,look forward and try not to look back.
it will get easier for us both,we deserve so much better,sending you lots of hugs.nix

[katharine2712]

thanks nix . hope ur ok. h is coming on monday to het all the rest of his stuff iv put it in garage, im drfeading it but have to be here as he no longer has key im so scared im going to breakdown in front of him or start begginh him to come back dnt no whats worse not seeing him or seeing him . feel i spend most of my time numb now but every now and then break down. people keep asking are you ok , noooo im not, but i just say not too bad they look relieved i think. when does this whole thing get easier cos i cant see a way forward here, iv gone back to work , lost weight ,in the hope he will notice, iv sorted money with help from son . thank god for him hes been wonderful came over for a week from germany to help sort things for me. im still convinced h is having a mlc cos all this is so out of character and he fits all the stuff iv read on internet, maybe im clutching at straws but thats all i can do at mo . thanks for ramble x i

[nix192]

hi katharine
im having a bad day today as my h has mved to live with her today.i saw him yesterday and at the time it felt good as he was telling me he dosnt like thinking of me with someone else etc.he also told our kids that ows daughter dosent like him as ows had loads of serious relationships and they have all walked out,so she cant be that perfect.
i wish i hadnt seen him now as i feel worse,now hes gone i feel abit relieved,i know ive got o move on and im so thankful i have the kids here as i dont think i would be here if it wasnt for them.
thinking of you,keep your chin up and dont let him see your botherd,i know its hard .

[katharine2712]

thanks nix hope you will feel happier tmrw it sad that we going through this but it so helps having others who understand what im feeling not that im that sure i go from numb to sad to angry to i dont want to be here it a rollercoster im in i just want the ride to stop and my life back the way it was. i wonder if ill ever be happy again. i read on here others that seem to move on and get stronger so i only hope that i will too one day as i hope you will nix. and everyone else in this lonely painful time . be strong

[nix192]

hi katharine
i know its awful to experience so many emotions in one day,thats what i find hard to cope with.and yes it is so comforting to know thatothers on here have been through similar experiences and have lived through all the pain and are now feeling so much better.
i have had a few up and down days and sometimes i find it all too much,i had one of these times last night(ive shared it on my thread).but today i feel a little stronger and all im concerned with is how my children are today.who nos how i will feel tomorrow but its good to know i can come on here and get the support i so badly need right now.
keep strong.xx

[katharine2712]

hi anyone out there. not many at this time of night i guess. tonight i heard my stepson is moving out to live with dad my h i knew it would happen but he has not told me yet just others i no he wants to be with h that only right but i love him too and dont want him to go. its brought all the pain to ahead again today like being abandoned again. not his fault i no and i must be strong and not show him how upset i am. it doesnt help as h is coming tmrw to take rest of things it going to be so hard i just no ill cry and i want to be strong and show him im not a weak person but i cant control myself everytime we speak on phone or i see him i just end up in mess i feel so much pain that i tht i had under control and cant stop crying. will this never stop the going over and over inmy head about life together and is this all my fault could i have done something to make it not happen i feel im going mad at times. i seem to have more down days than i thought possible and only brief moments of feeling normal is life really worth all this i keep asking myself i just cant do this anymore i want the pain to stop its so all consuming i dont know where to put myself any more or who iam . why can someone ( h) control my life and make all these changes and i get no say its not fair. help someone please i dnt want to do this anymore .

[Ageing Grace]

I'm hearing you, Katharine - though I hope you've gone to sleep at last!!

It's awful, isn't it. You do sometimes (OK, often) feel as though you simply can't stand the pain any more and wonder what's the point :( All I can ask you is to believe it does get better, you do begin to find your feelings again - and, once you've started to recover, the joy and laughter and colour comes back. Sometimes even better than before.

I'm asking you to believe it, because I have felt like you do now and so have most other people here.

You're grieving. You've suffered a loss of what you hoped for and expected; the shock of finding life wasn't quite what what you thought it was, and all the distress of having changes forced on you. In all of those ways, what you're going through is almost identical to the death of someone close to you ... it's horrible.

But it DOES get better, you WILL heal, and the world IS still around you, waiting until you're ready to greet it! Have some faith in yourself, you can and will get through this.

Do your best to take care of your self, if only for the sake of distracting your mind for a few minutes! You ARE worth the effort :) Stay as steady as you can.

Good luck tomorrow; don't hang around with your ex & stepson any longer than you absolutely have to - you can always phone him later.

Hugs,
AG

[katharine2712]

well h came and took hism things on monday evening i actually didnt see him cos he just took stuff from garage. i drand a bottle of wine b4 he came just to cope not a good idea i guess but by the time he left i was hystercal is prob the wor. he didnt come in cos he didnt want to upset me more. that so kind. i dont think i can get anymore upset feel bruised and numb today . what now what do i do with myself . anyone any answers to this sometimes feel so alone although i have good family and friends they just seem to live their lives happily everyone seem to be a couple . i no it not really like that and people worse off than me but i cant seem to think of anyone but what im going through at the moment i feel selfish to do this but i cant function properly its been a month now when does it get easier . iv been out tried to keep busy but it comes back the minute my mind wanders and when i come home its awflul. i think ill do things to keep busy but when it comes to it i cant do it just sit there and remember. Everyone on hre has had a bad time and iv read loads of the threads it so comforting to no someelse understands and hope one day to be able to move on but at the moment im just stuck in this huge hole of nothing . thanks for rant be strong. i want to phone him as to hear his voice helps but then i think no cos id sound desperate. its like a seesaw in my mind maybe if i said this or did that he would come back. im living on hope thats not there i think did u all feel like this.

[nix192]

hi katharine
i know exactly how your feeling as my husband moved away to live with ow last friday and since then ive been a mess.today is the first day ive felt a bit stronger but who knows how i will feel tomorrw.
hes contacted our daughter twice but hasnt contacted our son yet wich makes me so angry,wich is probably a good thing.
i had a good friend over today and cried to her again that i miss him and she really made me see things clearer when she said what do you miss,stop thinking of all the good things and try thinking of some of the bad stuff(his moods,we never went anywhere together,he was distant etc).
im trying but it is hard as its only been 6 weeks since i found out about ow.try to stay strong and think of all the posotives,we will be ok i know it.

[Helpless]

I feel for both of you Katherine and Nix as my H is still here and it is hard. But the only people who can heal our hurt is us. We have to grow strong and that confidence radiates. Think how you deserve to be treated thats whats kept me going and believe you me there will be someone out there gateful for your love.

[Ageing Grace]

Think how you deserve to be treated

That's so true, Helpless :cool:

It's completely normal and natural to obsess over "what did I do wrong?" and "how could I have been different?" The answers to that might be illuminating in future times ... but the important fact for now is:
You did not deserve this hurt.
Something went wrong, for sure, but it could have been any one of a million reasons. The time to analyse is NOT now! You're ill, basically, and you need to treat yourself with lots of tender care so you get better. Analyse later.

its like a seesaw in my mind maybe if i said this or did that he would come back. im living on hope thats not there i think did u all feel like this.
God, yes! The weird thing is, he was doing the same thing (I bet you spotted that in many of the threads you visited here).

The urge to make things "back how they were before" is incredibly strong - we're capable of having a normal conversation sometimes, just like nothing nasty had happened. But it has. And you both know that ... it's almost like a comforting habit, to ring each other about practical details and even make a few jokes.
Okay if it reminds you that you are, in fact, good at relationships.
Not so helpful when we're frantically reading things into it that aren't there!!

Bear with it, Katharine. Know that you're suffering a normal, human experience of grief. Cut yourself some slack. Try not to influence outcomes, just try to be your best self.

Stuff that helped me:

Writing a list of 15 of your really good qualities (it took me two days; that's how depressed I was :eek: )
Keeping the list somewhere you can easily see it!
Phoning everyone who loves you, including your neglected friends, and getting moral support from them :)
Tearing up photos. Childish, I know, but what the hell.
Praying, in a "grant me strength" sort of way.
Anything that helps get your mind into a good place. I had one of those guided meditation tapes - it was all about exploring a beautiful landscape - and went to sleep with it playing every night. Now I know my 'beautiful landscape' so well, I still think of it when I'm stressed.
Cooking a wonderful meal! Actually, I lost interest halfway through the first one I did, but I ordered a posh takeaway so I treated myself well anyway :p
Having your hair done. It's a cliche for a reason!

Try a few of them, Katharine. Whatever works, stick with it. You deserve to be well, whole and healthy.

Love,
AG

[JWD]

AG's advice is spot on Katherine. You will find the strength.

Stuff that helped me

Visiting a trained counsellor
Praying
Affirmations
Walking whilst listening to upbeat music
meditation
printing off healing and forgiveness poems
being with people who loved me just as I am
self hypnosis cd's
painting my toenails bright colours for some reasons cheers me up



http://www.donotgiveup.net/LetThemGo.htm

http://www.aplacefortheheart.co.uk/frame.php?sp=/louise_hay/affirmation.htm

http://www.drstandley.com/guidance_friends.shtml


I swear by the affirmations. I have a wonderful ebook from Florence scoval Shinn which I can send you.

I have printed some off and I see them before I sleep and when I wake.

I am divinely protected and cared for by angels
God showers me with blessings and miracles everyday
I am loved by all that I meet

They really do work after a while.

I get the most comfort from affirmations and by praying. And when I'm feeling like I'm slumping I read that let them go poem and it always shows me that this isn't the end of the world.

You'll get through this Katherine, you deserve to be happy and loved

[katharine2712]

thank you for the wonderful advice i liked the poems and will keep them in mind. i am seeing a councellor in a few weeks and made a big effort to go to dance class last nite and actually enjoyed it i cant pray to god at the moment and i do believe in god usually because i feel he shouldnt have let this happen ,i no its wrong to feel like that but i cant help it at the moment. im being selfish i think as all my thoughts seem about how i feel and what has happened. cant seem to get passed the waiting game of when he may come back and cant get him out of my head. is this normal? everyones lives seem to go on around them and im on the outside going through the emotioms of living working and putting a front on while inside i think whats the point in all this. i so want to stop feeling this pain its so all consuming every tht dream and feeling seems governed by what has happened. i used to be a easygoing person and happy most of the time, now i have lost my confidence (helped by h saying he didnt fancy me cos im fat), and feel will never be strong again. how do you all do it. and how soon wil it begin cos i hate this. k xxxx

[Helpless]

Hi Katherine

I dont think anyone can tell you how long it will go on for as we are all different and deal with things in different ways (depending on circumstances as well) but one thing that is for sure, it does get easier with time. I went through a similar situation in a previous relationship (22 yrs ago) and even though i knew it was right that we shouldnt be together, when he left it hit me like a train. I remember going to bed in the day, taking sleeping tablets to help me sleep. I had a 2yr old and a 12 yr old and thought, i have to be strong for them. When i did this I got strong for me, and it showed. After about 3 mths he was begging me to have him back and I laughed in his face and said " not if you were the last man on earth" he married the OW only for her to cheat on him and they got divorced (Karma)

I then met my current H who was the kindest, most loving person I had ever met and we built a wonderful life together (21yrs) , which I thought was fantastic until the recent bombshell of his OW. We are trying hard at staying together, some days good (when I can back off) and some days bad (when i scream at him damming comments) I still feel sick when he goes out (he is a taxi driver in the area where she lives) but i know I have to stay and get stronger for me because if he decides to leave he wont be getting another chance and he knows I mean that. The stronger you get, the more they respond to you in a postive way (when i am indifferent to him he is far more attentive). So work hard on yourself and watch the reaction and i really hope you feel better soon. xxxx

[Helen_uk]

Helpless,

I think you have to try and look at your h going out in a different way . It's a horrible fact but , if he's going to see the OW then he will . You could torture yourself wondering but at the end of the day you can't change his behaviours.

Of course the bright side of that is that if he isn't going to see her he won't... I think one of the hardest parts of what you're going through is the constant wondering about whether we can change things or could have changed things if we'd acted differently. Then the constant fear it will happen again.

The fact is that no relationship is worth having without trust ( and believe me I well remember that horrible worm of doubt wriggling away in my guts every time he left the house ). In an ideal world the partner who had the affair would do everything in their power to offer reassurance that they are remorseful and it won't happen again - no matter how long that takes , or in what form it's needed. Sadly most don't... what happens instead is that they see your constant need for reassurance as a permanent reminder of their guilty actions, and they just want it over with and forgotten about. Hence why your h is nicer when he thinks you're not being " clingy ".

It does get better, it takes lots of time and in my case the lack of trust finally drove me to re-evaluate the relationship and see that it wasn't going to work if I couldn't trust him. And I couldn't. You may feel different, but either way, unfair as it is , unless you can take a step back you are not going to get back to being happy .

Helen x

[katharine2712]

it will have been 6 weeks nearly and im busy doing things spending time with family and friends putting a good face on but it all a pretence i want him back and that cant change in my head and heart . iv tried thinking of the bad times but to be honest the only bad thing is when he left. we got on well had a good life etc and i thought we loved each other . he seems to not give a damn now even when i need to talk about stuff he very cold and that even worse cos i so need him to be nice and friendly to me cos i so desperatly want hope. he moved into house and feels like the life we had together never existed as if i was never part of his life how can he shut me out like that i think about him almost every minute and wish things could have been different or he could have given me the chance to make it right again. i cant imagine a life without him the last six weeks have gone by in a dream i dont want to be like this forever but it doesnt seem to get any easier .

[Ageing Grace]

It doesn't seem to get any easier. But it will, Katharine. It will.

The first six to eight weeks are the worst. That's when you feel like nothing's real; like you're looking at the rest of the world through a thick pane of cloudy glass; when you have no idea of how many days have passed let alone hours; and some people get a sort of messy noise in their head; some people feel seasick all the time; some people forget the simplest things like their own phone number.

This is grief. It's horrible, but it's normal. It's how your mind protects itself from shock. It is a kind of illness; you may even find yourself coming down with flu as this stage nears its end! If you do, that's your mind again, saying "for goodness sake lie down for a few days!"

DO treat yourself as if you are ill. That's important; it will help you build up some some reserves for the longer, more boring part that comes after (sorry).
DON'T expect yourself to be 'over it' in a flash - how shallow would that make you?!
DO look for the positives in life. Even tiny things that make you feel happy, for a second, are worth stopping to appreciate for the full second. Mine were things like cherry blossoms (it was spring). Yours might be anything from a baby in a pram to a handbag in a shop window - whatever, just make sure you savour that second!
DO see your doctor if you start feeling overtired all the time, can't sleep and/or can't stop crying, or get weird stress symptoms. Antidepressants take a few weeks to start working, unfortunately, but they do take the edge off if you need help to keep on going.

Be gentle on your self.

Love,
AG

[Sugarplum]

Thinking about you Katharine.........hope your feeling OK xx

Does anyone know how Rabbit is doing?

[katharine2712]

tonight has been hard again sat here just crying .dont know what started me off prob cos im home alone as daughter gone. not used to being alone iv always had lots of people around me.
i try to be strong for daughter 15 but it all a front one thats not very strong. its been 7 weeks now and life seems such a struggle like im watching someone else live my life for me. when does it get better. anyone got any ideasnothing works . i feel so lonely and sad .

[katharine2712]

i regualrly read others on here and feel so sad that all this hurt is going onx i think this site is a life saver as just talking on here maakes my mind a bit clearer . just getting all the feelings out . have no contact with h at mo only via text if about house stuff. it feels like i dont exsist to him anymore just thrown away like a piece of rubbish. do yu think he thinks of me and our life at all. im hoping afor a miracle to happen and him to realise it not what he want but wants to come home to us. will i ever move on and get over this all i seem to do is feel sorry for myself and talk about me on here im sorry its not that i dont care about anyone elses probs but cant seem to move on from mine at moment anyone else got any ideas how to move on cis life feels a bit hopeless at mo :(

[huting]

Perhaps a good thing 4 u right now is not to be in the house so much, that way u won't be alone there, go out more,get a hobby, bingo anything to get u out of the house and take your mind off your husband.

It isn't going to get better until u make it better. You need to put your husband and the back of your mind and just focus on you, do everything that u never could before or didn't have time to do. I made a list of all the thing I wanted to achieve by 2010, such as learning to drive, etc. Then start doing the things on my lis. Keep yourself busy, better yourself then if he comes back its a bonus but if he doesn't then ur life will be better

[Helpless]

Hi Katherine i too am only 8 weeks since d day and my h has also moved out although i have had contact with him . i have been talking on the infedelity help chat room (Dr Bob Huizenga) and it helps to chat live with many who have been through and come out of it the other side as well those of us who are still raw, a great comfort and it passes lonely hours alone, log on and see, it may help. xxx

[katharine2712]

Thank you all for you replies it really does help to no someone understands. this new life is taking some getting used to now. but i joined a dance class and started going twice a week now it really helps take my mind off things. i sometimes wonder if life will ever feel normal again i go through the motions of living but feel im watching myself live my life. it very weird. did others find this. i am booking some councelling to see if that helps . think this site is probably just as good. its the lonelyness thats the hardest to take . no one there at night or after u come home . weekends are the worst i think as that when h and i would spend most of our time together . i keep wondering does he ever think about me and regret it all . but if he did he would come back i guess . thanks for listening xx

[Ageing Grace]

Oh, babes, yes I did feel like I was watching myself live! Weird, and very tiring, isn't it?

WELL DONE on the dance class!!!! Good for you. Well done on the counselling, too - I hope you find a lovely counsellor, you deserve one :)

What can you do to ease the loneliness? Get a cat; ring your friends at night; watch more TV; read more books; join more activities so you're all pooped out by bedtime ...

Trust me, he will think of you when something goes wrong :rolleyes:
By then, who knows, you could be so blissfully on top of your own life that you hardly care what he's thinking!!

You're doing great, Katharine. This is a very tough time for you. You're allowed to complain about it! You are managing it well. Give yourself some credit for that :)

Love,
AG

[912jws]

Hi Katherine,

A lot of what you say/feel is exactly how I feel sometimes and probably what a lot of the others go through on here.
For me its the being tossed away and replaced so quickly that I find difficult to take in and also not having anyone to go home to/spend time with :(
I do try and keep myself busy though and channel my energy into getting fitter and trying to make myself look better as hopefully that will have a positive effect on my confidence which in all honesty needs a boost.
It would be great to be wanted by someone else again and I know it will happen again but it seems like that could be forever at this rate :rolleyes:

I hope you have a good weekend, I am looking forward to picking the kids up from school later and having them for the next 4 days :)

Jon

[katharine2712]

Its been a while since i came on here and yes i moving on good days bad days. i would still have him back tmrw but i realistic to no it would be so hard the trust would be gone. but i would still do it. iv been so busy dancing going out with friends working anything to fill my time and thoughts to keep the pain away. is this normal iv even been too busy to come on here but tonite i stayed in and decided i should look here again cos this is what has helped me through the worst bit. now theres my whole life ahead of me and i wonder will anyone else stay with me in a relationship or will i just do something else wrong and go through it all again. im so scared to meet someone else but a part of me want too iv met a couple of nice men online and one local person the online one want s more than i do and the local person is taking it slow and being just friends but i seem to have gone mad with him texting him loads and hoping for more than just friends whats wrong with me i still love my x but fancy this man like mad yet will push him away if im not careful i feel so confused and hyper all the time even writing this is all waffle a bit please excuse me im trying to get thoughts out but not sure how or what i feel anymore. iv had councelling it not working for me just keep going back to my childhood which was fine as far as im concerned whats that got to do with now and whats happened. im on antidepressants they seem to work for me in living day to day but when will i be normal again how do i stop this manic lifestyle . can anyone help me with some advice as so confused . sorry again about the waffle .

[jellybean28]

HI katharine

I understand where you are coming from. My suggestion is to try and play it cool with the man you like, he must have some feelings for you if he wants to take things slow, let him chase you. :cool:

It's not easy after the breakup of a marriage, some days I feel as if I'm about to jump the next male who's still breathing that passes by me, just
because I feel so lonely, thank goodness I have a good imagination, stops me acting on it lol :D

It took me a long time to stop my manic lifestyle, and yes I kept going back to my childhood. Not wanting to repeat myself yet again, but writing in a journal helped to explore what I was feeling, also helped me to let go of some stuff. Affermations are great, for example "I now have the perfect man for me in my life" Repeating affermations over and over help to stop the negative self talk and dwelling on stuff.

Find at least three things to be grateful for every day not matter how little, if you find more great write them down two. By being grateful, you will attract good stuff into your life.

Don't be sorry for waffling and posting, it's all part of the healing
Hugs for you

[katharine2712]

thank you jellybean it was good to have a reply so quickx i dont feel so alone in this manic mood now x i want to jump the next man i talk too just prove i can be wanted i think. i think im lonely although i have lovely family and friendsx this man thinks im being too heavy cos i got drunk last night and texted him lots he got into trouble at work so i apologised and he said he happy to be friends for now so im not contacting him he can get in touch with mex think im trying to push the lonelyness and pain away by replacing someone in my life as have been talking to two men on internet but they want a relationship and i panic then and come back down to earth x i feel like an emiotional wreck x can someone help me feel normal again x

[jellybean28]

Hi Katharine

mex think im trying to push the lonelyness and pain away by replacing someone in my life

It normal to feel like that after a relationship ends. By being aware of how you feel is a good starting point, try and occupy yourself with other things. Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely (weekends are the worst). I get myself a good book take myself off to a coffee shop and spend a couple of hours reading, even though I'm on my own I have people around me, and it's better than sitting at home alone. Sometimes I just people watch, so much fun!! Make eye contact with people and smile at them. At first smile at an old lady, you'll make her day. :p
It's taken me two years katharine to get though my breakup, a couple of times I nearly didn't make it, but Now I can honeslty say my Ex has done me a huge favor. I am happier and have more peace within than I have had for years, people have noticed I also have more confidence.

You'll get there you deserve to be happy.

Enjoy the on line thing, I look at it like this I can spend an hour checking out the men on line at my lesure, I usually have a glass of wine, play some music, this way I tell myself it's better than being at the pub, and being hit on by sleezy drunk men lol, and you can refuse there advances with the click of a button lol :D

Life does get better, but it does take some effort, get up look yourself in the eye in front of the mirror smile and tell yourself "I love you just the way you are". You may cry, or laugh, keep doing it and you'll start to feel comfortable, by loving yourself in this sense, you open yourself up to happiness

Gotta rush, going away for the weekend, meeting some one tomorrow, met on line, what ever happens happens I'm just going to enjoy the experience.

One more thing my friend, if you had known me 6 months ago, you would think I'd had a brain transplant or something now. I was depressed, negative and miserable, one day I chose to pick myself up and get on with it, if I can do it I know you can!!! :D
Take care my friend

[katharine2712]

thank you jellybean for the advice i am going to give it agox have a great weekend you have cheered my day up yet again x many thanks x

i hope life will get better some days are ok others not so good then times the black hole appears and i wonder is it worth all this what did i do to dexerve this i only ever loved him and wanted a happy life togetherx i sometimes think life is never going to get anywhere for me x i am lucky though i have good friends and a good loving family so i must be happy about thatx

im feeling very confused at the moment i want my life back sorted secure agin even if i am on my own x but i have this longing to have h back still and fill this hollow place inside of me x
thanks for rant ki

[jellybean28]

Hi Katharine

How are you? Thought I would let you know I had a good weekend thanks.
The man I was meeting is really nice, and we had a great time, however no chemistry ;). When I got home he had sent me a lovely email, which was very complimentary (gave me a great boost). Even though nothing romantic came of the meeting, I have got a lovely male friend, who would like to be friends go for a drink etc. Back to the glass of wine, computer and online meetings.

im feeling very confused at the moment i want my life back sorted secure agin even if i am on my own x but i have this longing to have h back still and fill this hollow place inside of me x

I understand what your saying, I still occasionally have those feelings.

Hows your online dating goin? Maybe we could start a thread, the joys and horrors of online dating lol :). Could be very interesting don't you think? I think I might go now before I end up getting myself trouble.

Take care

[katharine2712]

Its been two months since iv been on here x How life seems to have changed x iv done lots of dating x leading a manic life still but actually feel happier again x never thought i could say that x still seeing my local friend still taking it slow and enjoying it x then surprise surprise h decides he misses me wants me back x oh my god what now x met him a few times was strange but nice like we first met but how do i do this i still care about him but so scared i like my life now and dating and the people in it but i still have feelings for him and want back what we had x i know this cant happen but maybe we can x im so confused with all these feelings till he contacted me i was doing ok slowly getting there and making a life for myself x good friends say do what u feel is right but the problem is i dont know what i feel x i sort of feel numb with anything that involves emotions and just keep very busy x i want to slow down but i cant . I fill my life up with going out , dating and quite like it too x Every thing feels so manic so i dont have time to think x what do i do for the best x what if i make the wrong decision and gt hurt again x please help ..

[Ageing Grace]

Whoo, Katharine! So you get happier & he turfs up again. What a surprise :rolleyes: :D

Glad you had a happy new year! I'm still a bit worried about your being 'manic' but maybe this will settle down once you're more comfortable in yourself - you definitely seem to be heading towards it.

There's no reason why you need to make a decision about your ex right now. Why not tell him you'll agree to date, maybe once a week?

Keep your focus on yourself and your own wellbeing. You're doing great.

All the best,
AG x

[jellybean28]

I agree with AG Katharine,

Worried about you keeping yourself so busy you don't have time to think about things.

Sometimes it can be good to write things down to help with decision making. Where your husband don't make a any quick decisions, if he's not prepared to wait and take things slowly, then maybe it's not meant to be.

All the best :)

[Beckey B]

Well,

Keeping yourself busy was my alternate plan when i broke up with my guy. I used to write things as memories, but his feelings were kept reminding me a lot. Sometimes it's not meant to be, what you deserve.