Current Situation

[shaun]

Just a quick post, all replies welcomed. It's not been quite a week since I found out about my wife & 'friends' affair. My feelings towards my wife are heading in the direction of forgiveness I think, there is no right & wrong but it feels right for me. She has been totally honest and open about virtually every detail of the affair, upon me asking. I maybe could have gone about this whole carry on in a different/better way, as I've tended to be throwing things in her face all the time, knowing I s'pose that it's not really the way forward. I am not really bitter towards my wife anymore although the bitterness and anger will never lessen otowards my 'friend'. I intend to go out of my way to cause him some kind of harm. I know people may say that this is also wrong but that is the way I am currently feeling. Whatever is to be done to him would never cause him the pain that I have felt or am feeling. I've always been a strong minded laid back type of person but am a little unsure about myself now. See I would be well withing my rights to end our marriage right now, but I didn't get married on a whim, I got married to spend the rest of my life with my wife. I totally meant the vows we have taken. I could also go out at any time and return the favour she has given me, ie I could also sleep with other people, but morally I never could/would. Revenge towards my wife will never be needed as all she has done to me will be always on her conscience, where as mine will always be clear. Another thing I'm maybe doing wrong is expecting/wanting sex from my wife every night. The reason for this I think is to place other memories in my head other than the devastating truth that arose on Sunday.

Anyway, am unsure what point, if any, I intended to get accross in this post, but it's my current crack.

[Raymond]

I think you are handling it very well Shaun which has been helped by your wife's honesty and seeming repentance. The memories will fade eventually which will be helped by your forgiveness.

I agree with your friends. I wouldn't get taken up with revenge against your friend though. That is a bad move. Leave that to God. He has to now live with his conscience and the loss of his friendship with you.

Raymond

[sunnyjennyb]

I have your situation in reverse. My husband cheated on me with my 'friend".He came forward and confessed to me, I had no idea it totally blew me away. I was told about a month after it happened, one of the hardest things for me was realizing she had been over and in my house since the situation, I had noticed that she was wearing sexier cloths and even commented to her about it. I have daydreams where I am smashing her face in, but they are just daydreams I would never do something like that. I did confront her when I found out, I think I handled it wrong though I showed up at her door step at midnight and told her she was a scheming whore, I hoped her husband would come to his scences and leave her and on and on. it didn't make me feel any better. She literally seduced my husband, got her one night stand when I was out of town on a field trip with our son, and made everyones life hell. Im not completely blaming her My husband is totallyguilty. My emotions are like a roller coaster, one day I think I will forgive him and be able to put it past us, the next it feels like my world has crashed again.We have been married for 18 years and that is a lot to thow away, but I am coming to the hard realization tha we have other problems too or this would never have happened, husband has a drinking problem and is trying to stop.
How long ago did this happen? I have also had that thought to just get even with him let him know how it feels, but your right then you would have to live with your consience. Best of luck to you.

[shaun]

Have read your post Sunny, my situation is pretty much the same. The deed was done and thereafter my 'friend' continued to travel over from the north east to our home (north west), you know being all friendly and what have you. I had my thoughts about what could go on between him and my wife but truely believed she would never do such a thing to me. It happened right under my nose, in our own house, in our bed. I think the first time it happened was when my older 2 children were at thier nannas and I was on a driver awareness course. They had placed my youngest son in his bedroom to play while they got on with what they had both wanted to get on with, in our bed. Read my last post for more info on other happenings, as there was several happenings (some which are not mentioned). I want to forgive my wife aswell, and the bringing stuff up and chucking it in her face is lessening. I do feel a bit of a ***** for even wanting to forgive her, as although I would never go with other women, if I was to, she would never forgive me. Even if I was to have a one night stand with 100 times less deceit than she has shown me, she would never forgive me nor take me back. I do know I will learn to forgive her, have already started, but when I do return back to work it will always be on my mind if he has travelled over just to get more of what he's already had. I'll never know if that will happen and even if it does, I'll never have anyway of finding out. I like to think it would never happen but I was 100% sure that she would never do something like this first time over. In a way there is no point going over & over what has already been done, no one can change history, as recent as it may be. I s'pose it's the past that determines the future, the past obviously maps out the future, and I want ours to be better than what it could've ever been. We've just spent the weekend away at a friends wedding which may have been a little close to the bone (wedding n'all), but we both had a really good time. Said wedding has given me memories other than all the bad stuff going round my head, it's given me something else to think about, in a positive way. I also feel the same as because I will forgive her, and I know that she knows I'll forgive her, that it would allow her to think I am her lap dog and she can just treat me how she wants. Apart from my mother in law nobody knows about what has gone on, which also causes mind play for me. Is she staying with me because she can't handle to total shame that would follow if people did know about what went on. It may be silly to think such, but people can't control thoughts, I can't anyway. At the end of the day I do think we gonna be ok as a married couple but will I always be an untrustworthy paranoid wreck? Time will tell I s'pose.

[sunnyjennyb]

youve been through a terrible shock of course you feel like a train wreck. I have my days where everything feels black. In a way I am glad to talk to someone that is going through the same thing because your feelings are mimicking what I feel too. I do really love my husband and i truly hope we will work this out and be able to get past it. Sometimes it helps to tell a total stranger the injustice of it all. It's not something I want to talk to my friends or family about because when it is over and we can finally move on I don't want other people to be able to look back and say oh yea he cheated on her.Time is agreat healer, hopefully it will work for both of us.

[weddedandwinning]

Shaun,

I have been exactly where you are right now. It is not the easy road by a long shot.

Please read my post "Introduction My Story" it will give you a bit of backgroud on me.

I can say it is possible for your marriage to survive or even flourish after an affair. My wife and I are living proof.

You will get no satifaction out of revenge, stay away from that.

Please, if you have any specific questions let me know. I would be happy to share my insight with you.

Has she tryed to contact the "friend" recently? Did she apologize? I am very concerned about you still living under the same roof...not that it is wrong, just a concern.

God Bless.

[jjjj_jjjj]

This is going to be a long process and hiding won't help. Don't be so quick to forgive her. You are putting to much weight on her conscious. You need to make her work for her marriage.

[sunnyjennyb]

I know how you feel about wanting to forgive her, I feel the same way. Part of me feels like if I forgive him I am letting myself be a big door mat. That has been a really hard one to get over, His actions have really told me that he is sorry and feels bad, I can feel alot of remorse from him. I think it is just as hard on us if we don't forgive, we have to carry around the feelings too right? Im so sorry your children ended up involved, do they understand what happened? My boys are older but they do not know, and I will probably never tell them. Even if we were to break up I don't want them to know that about their dad.This is a really long process, Protect yourself , but if you want to forgive her , what happened belongs in the past. (I know this is very hard to do) take care, Jenny

[weddedandwinning]

Forgive or not to forgive? This seems to be a question I see repeated alot on this forum. Rightfully so, forgivness or lack there of, is what will hold or break a marriage.

Shaun,

Don't get to caught up in this for now. I am sure you're emotions are in great conflict, it would be hard enough for anyone dealing with an affair to hold their minds together long enough to rationalize anything.

Center on yourself and your children, take it a day at a time.

God Bless

[shaun]

Thanks for all the replies by the way. It's obviously right what people say, time is a great healer, although it's earlyish days yet. I honestly do want to forgive my wife, totally. I'm not saying she's faultless mind, far from it, it just seems she wants to brush it all under the carpet and forget it all, easier for her than me. I am every now and then throwing stuff in her face about the whole situation, which I know is probably wrong it's just she has to know how much this has affected my whole life, I s'pose she'll never know though. She has shown guilt, and I'm not asking for blood or owt, but she's now so eager to forget it all. I know she'd told him she was in love with him, she tells me no lies now about it all. We still living together as a married couple as that's what we want to be, happily married. The only person who knows about this affair is my mother in law, my kids don't know and never will. I sometimes feel as if my mother should know as she suspected exactly what was going on, but me telling her would be stupid, I don't want anybody to hate my wife, or even look at her in a different manner. We are trying to put this behind us, we were at a wedding last week, we're spending a night at Blackpool this weekend and are spending next weekend over my Mams as she'll babysit so we can go out and enjoy ourselves. I find it hard not to forgive her so easily, just cos she has been a c*nt, doesn't mean I should be a c*nt in return, 2 wrongs don't make a right n'all. Realistically, as my wife says also, what is done is done, forget it and move on. Common sense says that crack is right, it's just a lot harder to do than it is to say. In a way there is only so much I can say, only so many times stuff can be chucked in her face, as she has said sorry many times, it's just I find it so hard as I have nobody to talk to about what has gone on. I understand what you are saying about getting revenge, but he won't have any remorse about what has gone on, he won't care at all, it's just another notch on his bed post lets say. Revenge is a dish best served cold, I'll never ever forget what he has done to me, so even if it is years from now, he will be eventually reminded of the pain he's put upon me. One way or another, it will happen. I know my wife would never have had said affair if it wans't for him, he manipulates people into his way of thinking, into his beliefs. We 'may' have had marrital problems, but thier affair only happened because I introduced him to our home. My wife wouldn't've gone out looking for such betrayal, it was there so she took it, if you know what I mean. (that is not self blame or excusing my wife, it's just the way it is). I am taking every day as it comes, the whole thing plays on my mind for every minute I'm awake, it's in my dreams and it's the first think I think of upon waking up. I like to think these thoughts will ease, I'm not stupid, but they not fading as of yet.

Love is a queer thing :o)

[sunnyjennyb]

Its hard not to have anyone to talk to , this forum is great for that. This is a great place to Vent. It sounds like you and your wife are spending some much needed time together, that is great, You have to refind what it is that has kept you together. You have to stop thowing things in her face, Ive been there with my husband and i can tell you nothing good comes from it. you are right there reaches a point when you can only say the same thing so many times. You have to let it go try to put it behind yourself because it is hurting you. Go out and do somethings for yourself also, it is great that you are doing things with each other but make sure to take care of yourself to. I am finally finding that the obsession is fading for me, I still have my days but they are not every day now. Let go of revenge, once again nothing good will come of this. Simply have nothing more to do with him and let it go. this is what I tell myself also of course im notsure what would happen if i were to run into her in a dark alley.(haha)

[shaun]

See, me and the wife are spending so much time together because she is still my wife and we do have 3 young boys together, bearing in mind that I want nobody else other than my wife, and hopefully she feels the same towards me (trust is gone so I guess I'll never know). I do know it's stupid to chuck things in her face but sometimes she says things where in response, I have to chuck things in her face. It was a case of my 'friend' totally breaking contact with her, not her breaking contact with him as she was still trying to make contact with him after I'd moved back in to our marital home, hence feeling second best. She claims she was trying to make contact to see why he could turn into such a c*nt, I'll never know I s'pose. As for the revenge crack, I'll never cross paths with him again as he lives on the other side of the country. He does however know where we live, he has my wifes mobile number, our house phone number and my wifes email address. He could easily make contact if he wanted to which equals to my paranoia. I do hate to state this to you decent people, but revenge upon him will certainly happen in the future. You may say that I won't feel any better from such actions, but deep down inside I know I will feel a load better, it will be like a load lifted from my mind. I honestly aint no thugish chav, but I can't let this go un-answered. People may say God will judge him, I've not even been christened. I do have faith but, not many religious beliefs. The way I feel now, and will probably feel 10 years down the line, revenge will be saught (it's all down to my anger really, but it will happen and I'll feel no guilt).

Thanks again.

PS. Hardly chucking stuff in her face, but am I wrong to wonder about why she's asked me to pass her mobile phone to her as she's gone to bed before me. I do know it's silly to think that she needs if for any other reason than to wake us for tommorrows Blackpool trip, but am I wrong to wonder. The way I see things, she isn't going a very good way about earning my trust back (am I just being petty or is it paranoia). Now I may sound silly in my thoughts, and I would never do to her what she has done to me, but if I had, I most certainly wouldn't react in the same way which she is after putting me through such stuff. Am I right to have all this in my head?

[weddedandwinning]

Shaun,

You are completely Right to have this all in your head and more. There is no way just to forget it like it never happened, its a process that you both have to work together on.

She needs to get in the trenches with you and not just pretend as if nothing happened that is a big mistake.

You have every right to be paranoid, skittish, off kilter, and angry. SHE TOLD THIS GUY SHE LOVED HIM!

Don't confuse love with trust. You can love someone to death and not trust them a lick. But a marriage is based on trust and love, you cannot have a successful marriage without both. She needs to understand that she can give no reason, not one single little reason for you to doubt her.

Question: Is she saying one thing then doing another? How long has it been since the affair?

God Bless

[shaun]

I s'pose my wife couldn't be more honest now, but the damage has already been done, is it not a little to late for honesty (or is that me being bitter). The affair lasted just short of 2 months and has been over since back end of June. We are getting on great but it feels as though its always me who has to make the first move. We do seem to be closer now, closer than we've ever been, it's just she seems overly lax about the whole situation. I often wonder, and maybe hope that guilt is playing on her mind as much as this sickness is constantly playing on my mind. Things are getting a little easier, but the thoughts are always there.

[shaun]

Actually things aint really getting any easier. We had a good weekend spent at Blackpool with the kids, but emotionally for me it was quite a bad time. We had a good talk on the drive home, kids were asleep (mainly me doing the talking mind). I told her exactly how I feel, about how gutted I constantly feel. I told her that she has ruined my life and that I hate the way I've been forced to feel. I do understand there is nothing she can do about it, but there isn't a great deal I can do about it also. It's like we just going round in circles, going over the same stuff day in, day out. I do still love her, but also feel disgust at whats been done to me. I do know that it must be awfull for her to listen to how I feel, but I didn't ask for any of this, and expected it even less. When we first split up virtually everybody was suggesting to me that there may be somebody else, but because I knew my wife so well, I truely believed there couldn't be anybody else. At that point I believed every word my wife said to me, she knew I had reservations about there being another fella, but she convinced me so easily that there wouldn't be another bloke for a good while. In hindsight it all makes me feel really blind and stupid, as I was so sure my wife would never do that to me. Loads loads of stuff plays on my mind which when I look back make it blatently obvious that there was somebody else involved, for example, she whould never ever let me drive my kids anywhere on my own, during said affair all that changed and one weekend when I didn't take my kids she tried her hardest to get me to take them along with me. I was in very close contact with the 'friend' who she was having an affair with and almost everynight she was telling me to give him a ring to have a crack as he kind of cheered me up about my marriage breakdown, all the time the affair was going on. I was pouring my heart out to said 'friend', he knew I was and the wife knew I was, again all during the affair. The way I see it is they done nothing more than take the p*ss out of me. I constantly longed for my wife and really cared about what she thought of me, always wondered what I'd done wrong for her to just "fall out of love with me". It still is an awfull time that I'm going through even though I think I know this will never happen again, it's just a little difficult to get my head round all the stuff that has gone on. I feel a bit of an arse posting stuff on here as I feel I'm just going over the same kinda stuff on here, I s'pose thats what comes of having nobody to confide in, the one person who I thought I could share anything with, is the person who's made me feel the way I feel. I know I'll never forget what has gone on, never will, but hopefully in time I'll stop having ups and downs day, if you know what I mean.

[weddedandwinning]

Shaun,

This is to be expected. The constant going over and over the same things. You will go over it a million times and a million times more until you reach the stopping point.

For me that point was when I figured out that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. I placed all my worries and concerns at the feet of Jesus Christ and left them there.

Has your wife apologized, I mean really apologized and asked forgiveness? Or is she more like "lets just move on?"

Believe me you need a real apology. It was about 10-12 months before my wife apologized and new what she was apologizing for. Because if you strip it all away, the thing that hurts the most is being lied to by the person you trust most of all.

God Bless

[shaun]

My wife has said sorry umpteen times and keeps on asking "what more can I do, I've said sorry" Now I don't know what else she can do, just as I don't know what I want her to do, its just an awfull situation I'm in. She says she cant go on living like this but I s'pose she should've of this before doing what she's done. I'm yet to reach a stopping point and it still plays on my mind nearly all day. Sometimes I feel like I'm coming to terms with it, but then I just go backwards again. There was no way I could've prevented the start of the affair but if I hadn't introduced thdm to each other it would never have happened and in hindsight, if I'd've followed mine and everyone elses suspissions, I would've been able to prevent the following happenings. It kinda makes me feel a stupid tit, knowing of the extremes they went to, to do what they did, all the while this 'friend' being a shoulder to cry on. Over trust is what I feel most stupid for.