hard time forgetting past....

[sarag412]

HI,
I need some advise really bad. I have been married for 4 years and I have a hard time putting things that hurt me in the past. There is a girl my husband was with for a short time in high school (6 years ago). She was my friend. When my husband and I were split up, she started dating him. Well, she is now my sister-in -law's friend. So I have to see her at family gatherings. I saw her yesturday at a birthday party and I get very uncomfortable and I can't put behind the past. My husband and I got in an argument because it was so long ago and I can't just get over it. I really want to but I get so angry and would rather not go to a party if she will be there. There also was one time (2 years ago) that my husband danced with a "family friend" at a Valentine's day dance for 3 songs in a row and that really upset me. When we have a argument currently, it will get heated and I bring these things up. And those are only 2 examples. He is getting tired of me doing this and so am I. How do I let things go and just feel relieved? It would take a weight off me. I do not know how, though. I always will bring something from the past up again. If anyone has had a similar situation, please give me some advise. I would appreciate it much. Thanks

[Liz]

The solution is in your hands. First of all, you need to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/forgive/) the people you think have hurt you. That means letting go on any desire for revenge or "putting them right". You obviously haven't forgiven the past hurts or they wouldn't keep coming up when you get into an argument with your husband. If something is more than a day old, it should be gone and not brought up again. you may have to work at this, but choosing to love and forgive your husband means battling away inside with any desires to bring these past things up, until you are boss of them and not driven by them. There are soem more articles about handling conflict here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/).

You also need to be able to live with those unpleasant feelings that come over you when you see these people. It's ok to feel angry, uncomfortable or whatever, but you don't need to act on those feelings, getting ratty and cross with your husband. Some of that will depend on you feeling secure in yourself and in your relationship with your husband, rather than acting out of your insecurity.

If there is a problem of trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) between you then you could also work on that. I've linked through to some articles that you might find helpful.