sad and confused

[momof3]

I've been lurking here for a while, reading your posts and replies. I have a big problem and I haven't talked about it to my friends because I feel so stupid. My kids of course can't know about it and I can't tell my mom or my sister because they will just jump on the "I hate him/husband bashing" band wagon and I'm just not interested in hearing that.

We've been married for 7 1/2 years. We each had a son (both with us full-time) from our first marriages that we brought with us to our new forming family. Shortly after we began dating we became pregnant. All was wonderful (or so I thought) we were very much in love. We talked about (together, both of us) how lucky we were and how much we loved each other, how it must be just meant to be - just happening faster for us than for others. yada, yada, yada....

We bought a house and got married before our daughter came. Everything was wonderful and I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world.

A lot of things have happened in the past 7 1/2 years. Very good things and very very bad things. There has been a lot of damage inflicted on each other and lots of wonderful experiences and memories made too. Not long after our daughter was born I found out from my mom that he told her he only married me because I was pregnant. When I confronted him with that he denied it over and over, until in an arguement he yelled out how it was the truth.

I was heartbroken to find that out and it ate at me and ate at me. He went back to denying it, saying he said it because he was mad, and I wanted so badly to believe him. 3 years ago he got down on one knee in our kitchen and told me how much he loved me, and that after everything, he wanted me to be his wife, and asked me, would I be his wife? He gave me a beautiful ring, we joked about having a real ceremony, (we eloped when I was pregnant - he told me he didn't want his "girlfriend" having his baby. when it happened, I thought it was so sweet. We had talked/been talking about getting married in the future, so when he said he wanted to, and why, I thought it was so wonderful - we still planned to have a "real" wedding sometime after the baby came and we were settled.) Anyway, a ceremony wasen't real important to me, it was the words that he wanted to be with me because he loved me, especially after finding out that he did it because he felt he had to in the beginning. It was the "official" asking, that I needed to hear so badly. It became less important how we got there, and more about where he wanted to be in spite of that.

The past 2 years, things have drastically gone downhill. He treats me like I am a chore or a peice of furniture in the house. When we argue, the first thing he says is "forget it, I want a divorce". That should have been enough for me to hear, after the first couple of times, but I couldn't believe that it was true. I believed he just said it out of anger and that he didn't really mean it. We even made a committment to each other after it happened a handful of times, to not say it no matter what - at that time he was telling me that he didn't mean it and he DID say it out of anger. But within 2 weeks he said it again.

I have spent the last 2 years mourning the loss of the love in our marriage, praying for a miracle. The good times are outweighed by the bad. The only time it is good, is when I am willing to pretend that he hasn't hurt my feelings. He never admits to knowing when something he has said or done has hurt me. He just pretends like it never happened. When I tell him that he hurt me, he either denies it happened at all/ says it's all in my head/ or says "not, that's YOU". So after being tired of being sad and out of desperation for a happy marriage, I usually just shove it under the rug, and tell myself that he didn't mean it/ do it on purpose/ can't help it because of his upbringing/ etc...

Sometimes, occasionally he WILL finally acknowledge it and say he is sorry after several days of pretending it never happened, and if I don't fall all over myself accepting his apology immediately, he says "forget it, I take it back!"

(I am sorry this is so long)

So last night I read something that he wrote that I was not supposed to read. It was written recently, I am sure. He wrote about when we met and were friends/neighbors before we started dating, me being the reason he started smoking after quitting for 4 months (I smoked, I didn't know he had quit, when we went out the first time as friends he was smoking-?), about how he started drinking because of me when I invited him to join me and my friends out that first time for Cinco de mayo (He ordered the drinks, I had never been out with him before and had no idea he had quit drinking) He also wrote that the only reason he continued the relationship with me was because I trapped him by getting pregnant and that he didn't have the guts to tell me "HELL NO he didn't want to be with me".

This is not at all how it happened. But his memory of it as he wrote it is the truth for him. He was the one that pursued the relationship with me. I did not get pregnant on purpose. I was totally upfront with him when it happened, I told him we didn't have to move forward with the relationship just because I was pregnant. He was the one who said that he "loved me and wanted to be with me, and how he was so happy". I loved him and was happy too, but it was really fast and it didn't mean we had make the relationship move fast too. I could have had my daughter on my own without him if he wanted, and told him that, but he said no and that he wanted to.

So now after all of that, I now know what was the truth all along. Now I understand why it always feels like I am the only one working at our marriage, and why it feels so one sided. I wish he would have told me the truth in the first place. I have been in love with him all this time, and for him it was nothing but a big lie. I feel like a big fool.

I know what I have to do. I am saving some money to rent a place with my 2 kids. Our oldest is 20 and is his son, even though for the past 7 years I have raised him as my own. I feel so numb and empty and broken inside. I can't believe this is happening.

I am so sorry this is so long. Is there anybody here that has been through something like this? Am I the ONLY idiot on the planet?? I can't believe that I have poured myself in this marriage and family 110% to find out that it's all been based on a lie!

Thanks for listening.

[Raymond]

The question is where does he want to go from here?

He has been dishonest with himself and with you, but he did marry you. He is showing weakness but not deliberate deception. He was silly to do what he did as he was not true to himself. Things are not what they seemed and you have been dreadfully hurt, but is there not anything left to salvage? Maybe it can now be based on truth? It may be worth a little time spent on this before you exit the marriage. If it is to be ended why do you have to leave the marital home with your children? Could not he?

Raymond

[MSC71]

sounds like he is blaming your for everything (smoking, drinking, marriage) etc. I imagine he has built up a lot of resentment towards you because of this. He needs to realize HE made these choices on his own.

[momof3]

Thank you for reading and for your replies. I couldn't wait to get a chance to log on here and "talk" to somebody. I feel so lonely lately. He is my best friend (or at least that's what my heart believed all these years). I think it is really crappy to go through something this big, and you can't go to the one person you would usually turn to because he's the one that hurt you in the first place. (Does that make any sense the way I said it?)

Raymond: right now I feel like our entire relationship had been build on a lie, and so there is no real thing to work on. It hurts so much to feel like he didn't ever want me in the first place, you know, past the dating and the "benefits". So to answer you question, I don't know. Maybe after the sting wears off and the fact that he's still been around starts to carry more weight - assuming it does? I feel so unwanted and unloved. I'd rather be alone than know I was in a relationship with someone who is only there because he feels he HAS to be. Call me a hopeless romantic I guess, but the passionate "I LOVE her" part is really important to me. I need to FEEL loved.

MSC31: You make a very good point, and I agree with you. But what do I do with that acknowledgement, if he ever even does realize it? Even if he accepted those choices on his own, it still doesn't mean he wants me.

I also can't afford the mortgage payment and utilities/bills for it on my own. If he stays in the house, he can and also still be able to help me financially with our daughter. I can afford to rent a smaller place on my own. I also don't want the stress of taking care of the house, OR packing it up if we do decide to divorce.

I just wanted to distance myself from him, enough for him to be able to look at whether or not he does want a relationship with me from where we are standing right now. He still says (when we do speak to each other - we havent really spoken, other than kids logistics, for about 2 months now.) he loves me, but I don't believe him, and his actions and other words don't support that statement. I believe he is just more afraid of being alone, not that it's ME he WANTS. Know what I mean?

[Raymond]

It makes sense what you are saying Momof3. I don't think your husband has learned to be himself and is not strongwilled. Right now you are living in the truth of the situation and it hurts. It's not wrong to want to be loved. It is very important to feel loved but some men just don't know how to express it and have to learn it. I wish I was better at that aspect. It is a weakness of mine to not say the words (except in bed). It doesn't sound me but I do love her and am in a good marriage. I even had to learn hugs etc. but that has improved a lot. We all have a different love language.

That this came out at last is a good thing. What is his feeling now, now that he knows that you know everything was based on an untruth? Things will certainly be different. What happens now will be based on reality and not on a false idea that you had because of his weakness.

I don't know if it can be built from here but I would not dismiss it out of hand. It's up to you both. One cannot do it alone.

Raymond

[wonder]

I am in a similar situation where me hubby says things out of anger. he tells me to go quite often as he cant take my shouting, though I dont shout just talk loud. We have arguements a lot. He has 2 kids from previous marriage and I have 2 from a previous relationship. We have a daughter together. My hubby doesnt get on with my kids who live with us and hates it as their dads arent paying for them properly now. And he hates the fact that he puts a roof over their heads when their dad doesnt. I feel like leaving and he says to leave. Then next day he changes his mind til he's angry again. Every few days im told to pack my bags and go.
My hubby says things when he is stressed, may be yours is stressed? ask him what he wants to do, to split? for good or temporary? or stay together and stop these arguements/accusations of blame.
let him know you are not happy and you need to talk.

[Raymond]

Words can destroy a marriage on their own Wonder. We all have to be careful what we are feeding into the relationship and atmosphere through our words especially when we are angry. We can destroy the things which are most precious to us. Your own children will know they are not wanted by their stepfather. This isn't good and will definitely affect them. Now you are a family all the children should be loved regardless of their history which wasn't their fault.

Raymond